Hi Guys! As promised - here's an epilogue! Okay, now I have to confess - I liked the way all three of them turned out a bit too much for my own good. Hence - this humongous epilogue... I mean I know epilogues are meant to tie things up and maybe say goodbyes, and honestly, I don't know how or when it got out of hand, but here you have it - the longest chapter I have ever posted! And it's not like I could split it in two - it's a freakin' epilogue for crying out loud!
Anyway, sorry for that, I still hope you'll like it because I had a blast writing this story! It's one of the favorite stories I've ever written, if I say so myself :) So here you have it - enjoy! Oh, and I almost forgot - this chapter is the reason why this fic is definitely M rated. You've been warned! ;)
Kisses, L.
Epilogue
12 months after the angels fell
"Guys." Sam clears his throat and I jump back, breaking the kiss. Dean rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably and even in the darkness of deserted alleyway I swear he blushes. He's freakin' adorable.
"You should walk louder." I tell Sam with the grin.
"We're on the job!" He rolls his eyes. "Cas, you're millennia old ex-angel, not a hormonal teenager, for crying out loud!"
"Hey, back off." Dean groans, but then grins. "I'm just that hot, ok?"
"Yeah, or Cas is just mentally impaired for having fallen for you!"
"Someone's bitchy today." I drawl.
"Someone just wants to get the job done." Sam whines, but I can see he's wearing one of his patented bitch faces. I love that guy!
"So tell us, what did you get from the good doctor?" I ask. We're working on a case that most likely involves god of fear Phobos. We managed to stop Nammu's followers at the last moment, but before we knew it, someone was trying to resurrect Phobos! There's always something on this side of humanity.
"He said the victim's heart literally ruptured from fear. Dammit, what's with all the gods?"
"It's about the balance Sam." I tell him calmly. "There's a void with no angels and no god left and it has to be filled, otherwise demons will tip the scale to their end."
"Why can't they all just leave us in peace? As in all of them – gods, demons, monsters…"
"Angels?" I ask silently and feel Dean's fingertips brush against my hand.
"No." He growls and Sam does look somewhat apologetic.
"Don't worry. Besides, you've been to the universe where there's nothing except humans. From what I've heard, you were a douche with a big house and alpacas for pets there." I laugh and Dean smirks beside me. "Although I gotta say, I would've liked to meet that Jensen guy…"
"Hey!" Dean scoffs indignantly. "That guy was just a painted monkey pretending to be me! You've got the real deal."
"That I do have." I look at Dean's eyes warmly.
"Guys, seriously…" Sam scowls before we indulge in our epic staring.
"You're a pain in the ass, Sam." Dean mutters. "Fine, let's go stop the freakin' god of fear. I suppose you should go to the library, check what there is about that god and his resurrection then and Cas and I will question the family of the dead guy."
"Dean, I think I should better go with Sam. There's much more use of me in the library – I'll be able to find things faster than Sam can think of them."
Dean looks at me for a second. I know he doesn't like letting me out of his sight on the hunt, but he knows I'm right.
"Yeah, ok." He nods finally. "Let's meet at the diner in three hours."
"Sam, look away. There's gonna be a brain bleach moment." I tell him with a smirk and Sam rolls his eyes and walks away. I pull Dean into my arms and kiss him. He usually shies away from this thing we have in public, but the alleyway is empty and dark and he gives in. I run my tongue across his bottom lip and he parts his lips slightly to let me in. Dammit, do I like the taste of his hot and wet mouth!
"Be careful." I tell him releasing him and he smirks. "Aren't I always?"
I just roll my eyes and then go catch up to Sam and bump him with my shoulder.
"So tell me, what gives?"
"Don't know what you're talking about." Sam says moodily and I roll my eyes at the second brother.
"Come on man! What's with the grumpiness?"
"It's nothing. Just want to get the job done."
"Hey, aren't you the guy who needs to talk about everything? Talk!"
"Fine! It's just… It's kind of stupid. I mean I'm glad Dean and you… solved your differences, you know? You both really seem happy and all… And I know it's a honeymooning phase, but lately you two are just constantly in each other's faces!"
"You miss your brother." It's not really a question. I should've known, of course he does, they are used to being just the two of them.
"I know it sounds like I'm a biggest jerk…"
"No, it doesn't. It's ok, I get it."
"And it's not just Dean, you know? It's you too. I mean you're my best friend and we used to talk about things, but now it's like I'm in a way for you two all the time."
"Listen, how about this – Allie and Jake have been badgering me to come visit and I really want to go. I'll take off for couple of days, spend some time with them and you can spend some time with Dean. Do your brotherly thing." I smile. "And then once I'm back, you and I can hang out. There are movies I'd like to see that I know for sure your brother would abhor."
Sam looks at me for a second and then grins slightly.
"Sounds great. I mean I'd really like some time with Dean. Not too long though, he's driving me crazy, especially when you're not around and he's worried. And there's this movie – Samsara – I want to watch and think you'd like it."
"Yeah, ok. Anyway, just so you know, you're never in a way for Dean and I. I swear I'll kick your ass if you ever tell anyone I went all sappy on you, but man – you're my best freakin' friend and I love you!"
Sam looks at me for a second and then before I can wriggle away, he hugs me. I just sigh.
"Dammit Sam, how the hell did you grow up to be this oversized ball of feeling being raised by your father and brother? Seriously, the first time I wanted to hug you, we agreed it was just weird, remember? What the hell happened to you?"
"Shut up." He grins releasing me. "So is everything ok with you and that brother of mine?"
"It's awkward to talk to you about these things, you know?" I tell him and I let my thoughts drift to a total of three freak outs we had in the matter of last three months. The first happened not even two weeks into our… what is it? Relationship? Thing we have?
/\/\/\
It was the second time we got ourselves a separate room and we were lying in bed, dead at night, tangled with each other. We've done things with our hands and our mouths, but not the actual sex yet.
"Have you ever?" I asked him silently, brushing my lips along his jaw. "Been with a guy, I mean."
He was silent for a long while and I thought he wouldn't answer. He didn't pull away though. Finally, he said.
"Twice. It was long time ago and not the best experience for me."
"You don't have to, but if you want to talk about that, I'll listen."
"I'm not Sam." His lips twitched with the ghost of a smile.
"Well that's a relief. Otherwise I'd be very confused as to what the hell am I doing naked in his bed and how am I going to tell you…"
"Don't even think about it." He growled and I kissed him. Once I released his lips we were silent for a long while again. Finally he started talking.
"The first time was just after Sammy left for Stanford. I was… It was hard, you know? I was so used to taking care of him that when he left I just felt… useless. My father… He said it was my fault, he said I should've done a better job raising that kid up and then he wouldn't have left me. And I was… I guess I just wanted to believe him, because Sam did leave me. It was never about dad, he was never around and… Anyway. That night I had a fight with dad over Sammy once again, he was drunk and yelled and… I got out, went to the first bar, got shitfaced and picked up the first willing dude. I was young and stupid and really I just wanted to do something my father would be pissed about. I just wanted to get the hell out of his hold and so… I was very drunk, don't even remember everything. I woke up with a killer hangover and a stranger dude in bed with me. It hurt all over, but the craziest part was I just hated myself for having done that, for having disappointed my dad. So I left and tried to put it past me.
And then the other time… It was just after I told Cassie about the hunt and she decided it was too much to bother with. I knew this was likely, you know? I was an always pissed sort of guy with nothing to offer and this big secret hovering above me… So she left and I… I guess I just wanted to forget everything and not to be that guy anymore. I chose freakishly bad way of doing it, when I think of it – got drunk like hell and bent over for a random guy in the bar's bathroom stall. I remember it being really, really bad and… I didn't do it ever again." He finished and closed his eyes. I looked at him with the feeling of dread coursing through me.
"So let me get this straight, both times you were with men, you did it as a sort of rebellion and punishment to yourself? Dean, have you ever been attracted to a guy?" I asked him as calmly as possible.
"Obviously." He smiled and tightened his grip around me. I started pulling back.
"Except me. Have you ever been attracted to someone who's not me?"
He frowned slightly and felt a ball of ice settling in my stomach.
"Dammit, dammit…" I groaned untangling myself from him and sliding off the bed.
"What…" He started to ask, but I cut him off.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Dean. Dammit, I should've known, I'm so sorry." I muttered pulling my pants on and looking for my t-shirt.
"What are you talking about?" He asked confused. "What are you doing? You're going somewhere?"
"There's nothing you wouldn't do for family, is there?" I asked him silently. "I should've known there was no way this is what you want."
"What the hell dude?"
"You're giving me this, aren't you? It's your way of keeping people you think is family around, isn't it? You give them what they want."
"Cas, you're not making any sense. What's happening? What are you talking about?" He asked me getting out of bed. He took couple of steps towards me and I stepped back.
"Stop Dean. You don't have to pretend anymore. I should've known and I'm sorry, but you really don't have to anymore."
"Cas, you should better start making sense any time soon or I'll kick your ass. What the fuck?"
"This. This thing…" I told him waving my hand between us. "It's really just for me, isn't it? You don't want this, do you? It was just the way to get me come back – you gave me what I wanted. But I don't want it this way, ok? I'm fine with being your friend Dean, I won't go anywhere, I won't leave just because you don't want me this way. I can be your friend, it's ok."
He stared at me for what seemed to be a very long time and I understood there just wasn't much more to say. So I looked around for my freakin' t-shirt, but as soon as I turned away from him, he spun me around and backed me into a wall, pressing his still naked body against me.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Have you completely lost your mind?" He growled. "I had your dick in my mouth not ten minutes ago! You fucking idiot! I do a lot for my family, but I don't do that!"
"Dean, you don't have to…" I started, but he cut me off smashing his mouth to mine. He almost forced his tongue into my mouth, his hands gripping me tightly, leaving marks on my hips. When he finally released me, I was breathless and he was panting.
"You think I'm faking this too?" He asked grinding his hard cock against me. I shuddered and before I could stop myself, my arms were around him again. I kissed him, desperately wanting to believe it was real. "Dammit Cas, why is it so hard for you to believe I want you? Why do you keep making me say this sappy feeling crap?"
"Sorry… I just… There's nothing I can give you anymore." I muttered resting my forehead against his.
"You're giving me this, you fool. And I fucking want you, ok?" He asked me pulling back and cupping my face in his palm.
"Yeah, ok." I nodded and he chuckled silently.
"Way to freak out over nothing, dude! Seriously, never pegged you for a drama queen…"
"Shut up." I groaned. "It's just hard for me to believe you'd want me."
"I've wanted you for a long time now. You really don't see yourself clearly, do you?"
"And who do you think I got that from?" I asked with small smile.
"Shut up, lose the pants and come back to bed, it's freakin' late."
He climbed back to the bed and scooted over, making room for me. I shrugged off my jeans and boxers and slid to the bed. He covered us both with the blanket and then before I knew it he rolled onto me, pinning me to the bed. His naked body slid perfectly against me and I sighed with relief. The feeling of his body, so hard and strong and hot against me was still more than I could process. He lied there for a few moments, without moving, silently watching me through his half lidded eyes. "You're everything I want." He finally muttered and started kissing me, slowly, deliberately, with the sense of unwavering purpose. I ran my hands down his sides, resting them on his hips for a moment, before cupping the perfect swell of his ass and grinding us together. We both gasped at the sensation and I used this to slide my tongue into his mouth. I spread my legs wider and he slid between them, the friction making us both moan into each other's mouths again. He trailed his lips down my jaw line to my neck, nipping at the skin there and finally biting into my shoulder. I bucked at the sensation and he licked the mark he left. I noticed he liked to mark me, leaving bite marks on my body or sucking droplets of blood to the surface of more sensitive skin. He moved down my body, kissing and licking and sucking all the way down to my hips. We've only done this couple of times, but I knew by then he was strangely fond of my hips – he licked and bit and marked every inch of them until I couldn't hold it in me anymore.
"Please… please…" I begged thrashing, straining to get his warm mouth on me. He chuckled silently and moved to nip and lick the insides of my thighs, the soft crease between my legs and my groin. Finally, fucking finally, he mouthed at my balls, his mouth warm and wet and it felt so impossibly good…
"Dean…" I moaned his name not trusting myself with anything else, because I might as well have started telling him just how much I feel for him.
"Right here…" He muttered and then licked a wet, slow swipe along the underside of my straining dick. "It's so fucking hot the way you moan my name."
"I can moan the freakin' oath of allegiance if that makes you stop teasing and get on with it!" I groaned and he chuckled. I grabbed his arm and pulled him up, the friction of his body sliding against mine making me groan again. I kissed him then, slowly, thoroughly as if trying to memorize every nook of his perfect mouth. It's absurd really, I know his mouth better than I know my own. I flipped us over and now I was straddling his hips while my mouth travelled down his shuddering body. I slid between his legs, spreading them, making room for me and giving me access to him. The sight of him on his back, spread like that, his eyes half lidded, but watching me intently, his mouth slightly open, spit slicked and plush, his cock straining for the touch, sent delicious zing down my body to my balls, but I tried to ignore it, tried to concentrate on him, getting the responses I needed from him.
I didn't go for ridiculous teasing, I just didn't have it in me to delay any more. Instead I lowered my mouth on his cock, sucking in the head and swirling my tongue around the way I know drives him crazy. And sure enough he moaned loudly at that, bucking his hips up slightly, trying to get in. I put my hands on his hips, holding him in place as I sucked him in deeper and deeper with every slide of my mouth. It was slow and tantalizing, but I didn't want to rush this. I love the feeling of his throbbing, heavy cock in my mouth, I love the heady smell of musk and sex and something so distinctly Dean and I love the taste of him, bitter, but also sweet beyond the usual meaning of sweetness. He put his hands into my hair holding me, or maybe just holding himself through the shudders and thrashes of his body and I let him fuck my mouth. I released his hips, letting him take control, while I slid my hands under him, my fingers inching closer to the sensitive skin of his hole. I brushed against it and stilled, giving him chance to shrug away but he just moaned louder simultaneously trying to fuck my mouth and buck into my fingers. I pushed my index finger in then, just a little, still letting him decide.
"God, Cas, go on!" He groaned and it was all I needed. I worked his hole open for me with my fingers – one at first, working it deep, pulling and stretching the muscles slowly, carefully. When he was loose enough to take two, I simultaneously did that thing with my tongue and pushed in the second finger. And the response I got from him damn near got me off! He almost mewled my name, his hips jerking almost uncontrollably. He pulled his legs up, giving me more access, spreading wider and I moaned around his cock at the sight of him losing control beneath me.
When I felt he was loose enough, I finally bent my fingers brushing across the spot deep in him. He shouted then, broken words, my name maybe, or maybe a curse. I don't think he knew himself. I brushed against it one, two, three more times and he shuddered and thrashed, whimpering loudly.
"Stop, stop…" He finally uttered and I pulled away at once.
"You don't want…" I started a question, but then cut myself off. "It's okay, we don't have to…"
He looked at me as if I had gone insane and then pulled me into a hard kiss.
"I just don't want to come before you're actually in me…" He muttered between kisses. "Come on, I want you in me."
I smiled relieved and he actually rolled his eyes. I got up, went to my duffel bag and dug out a bottle of lube. He arched his eyebrow with a smirk and as I shrugged we both chuckled. Yeah, we still communicate better without actual words. I settled between his legs again, popped the lid open and poured generous amount of the stuff on my hand. He looked at me transfixed as I stripped my cock, coating it and then pushed three of my fingers back into him. I brushed against his spot again and he let his head fall back onto the pillow, moaning loudly. I positioned my self at his entrance, pushing slightly before stilling, letting him change his mind. He threw me a confused look and then urged. "Come on, Cas, I want to feel you."
I gripped his hips then, holding him in place as I pushed, slowly, but relentlessly until I was fully in. He panted and winced slightly and I stilled once again to give him time to adjust. It took pretty much all I had in me to stay still at that moment, because seriously, there's nothing – and I've seen a lot, I can tell – there's nothing as arousing as a man you really want spread wide and filled up in front of you.
Finally I started moving again. Shallow thrusts at first, looking for the best angle to hit that spot again, to make him writhe beneath me. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up for a long while – I had felt my own orgasm building in me already, but I worked hard to keep it at bay, to take care of him first, to make him feel this doesn't have to be painful or unpleasant or shameful or whatever else it was before. I took his cock in my hand and started pumping it in sync with my thrust into him and before long he was actually writhing and keening in front of me. I could see it building in him - his pupils dilated, his hips started bucking and he was fisting the sheets frantically. I sped up thrusting deep and hard now, hitting his spot with my every thrust.
"Cas…" He drawled my name into five syllables as he tensed up, his back arching, and came shuddering and clenching around me, spilling over our stomachs. I concentrated on working him through his orgasm, stroking him slowly, gently, but still thrusting into him with every move of my hand. Finally I released his cock, gripped his hips tightly and let myself concentrate on feeling him around me. I sped up again, thrusting deeper and harder until finally with two last thrusts I came groaning and spilling deep inside him. He pulled me down then for a soft, languid kiss and I pulled out carefully, before collapsing into his arms. I looked at him then and I know the look on my face was expectant, curious. He stared at me for a few seconds and then chuckled.
"Dammit, Cas, if I'd known it was gonna be anything like that, I'd have had you fuck me the first day I met you!"
I laughed relieved and pleased and ridiculously overjoyed at that.
"And would that have been before or after you tried to kill me?"
/\/\/\
"Hello! Are you still in there?" Sam bumps me with his shoulder and I shake myself out of that memory.
"Sorry… You were saying?"
"I asked if everything was ok with you two… Jesus, where did you go just now? No, scratch that, I really don't want to know."
I chuckle at that.
"No, you probably don't…"
"Argh…" He wrinkles his nose. "So?"
"We're good. It's surprising really just how good we are. I mean I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I think he is too, but… It's been good."
"Hey, aren't you the one who said good things do happen?" He asks me with a smirk.
"Nah, must be an uptight, pain in the ass, trench coat wearing angel you're confusing me with!"
"You're an ass."
"Now that's more like it!"
"You know I think I'd like to be there when you tell Dean you're going to see Allie and Jake – I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know you're going back to where your ex is!"
"I'm not going there to see Nick. You know it didn't end well, he wouldn't want to see me."
"Well, you can't really blame the guy – there he was, waiting to go for a romantic getaway with you and you stroll in and tell him it's over. And that's after he asked you if you two were cool for how many times?"
"You just have to rub it in, don't you?" I groan. "If you think I don't still feel like shit for what I did, think again."
"Sorry, didn't mean to."
"Yeah, yeah… I'd like to see Nick though. I owe him some decent apologies, you know? I mean he didn't really let me explain things when I told him I'd be leaving with Dean and I do owe him some serious explanations… Not the whole truth, obviously, but a decent part of it, at the very least."
"Well, what is there to say? You're in love with my brother and went to live with him."
"Again with the love, Sam! I haven't even told Dean that yet…"
"Why not?"
"Well for one – he'd freak out." I grin. "I mean he can't even bring himself to admit we have a relationship yet."
"What do you mean? You're always in each other's face!"
"Yeah, and I know he's in this too. I mean he shows me in his own way this is important to him, but whenever someone as much as mentions this thing we have, he literally balks. It'd be hilarious, if it wasn't a bit annoying."
"I've noticed he's edgy whenever someone else is around, but I never thought… He's being a dick, isn't he?"
"No, it's just… I understand it's hard for him to accept this, but with every day the meaning of 'dirty little secret' is clearer to me."
"Hey, I'm sure it's not like that. Dean's just… He's stubborn, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. And it's not like I'm not messed up too. We've both got a lot of crap to work through… And anyway, it's all good, really, he has this very particulate way of letting me know it's important to him." I chuckle at Sam's frown. "And no, I don't mean the kinky stuff. He just… he doesn't really know how to use words, but he knows how to use actions. Small things really, like getting my coffee in the morning when I'm grouchy or letting me use the shower first because I'm still not used to being cold and he doesn't want the water to run out on me. Or the way he always seem to feel when I'm restless and he just looks at me and I calm down. Yeah… It's important to him. Which is awesome considering I'd take this thing we have any possible way." My thoughts drift back to the second time I assumed I knew how this thing worked.
/\/\/\
We were at the bar. We just finished one of the nastier hunts and after having showered and scrubbed all the slime from our tired bodies, all three of us agreed we deserved some normalcy. And for Dean normalcy meant pool and bar and beer. So obviously we went to the bar. After a few rounds of beer and relaxed conversations that involved a lot of teasing for all three of us, I noticed something amusing.
"Sam, I think that woman there is kind of picturing you naked." I grinned at him expectantly and I swear he did blush! Dean chuckled beside me.
"Yeah, Sammy, you should go for it! To think that here, in a middle of nowhere you finally found someone who'd prefer you over me!"
"Oh shut up!" He growled, but he did smile back at the woman. Not two minutes later he was walking to meet her while Dean not so discretely told him 'good luck!'. Apparently, she did like him though, because she ignored Dean's comment and soon they were laughing and drinking together.
"It's good to see Sammy like that, you know? Relaxed and enjoying himself."
"Yeah, I know." I agreed. "You both should have more fun."
"All three of us, you mean. You're in this too."
"Hmm, I suppose I am." I agreed and brushed my knuckles across his hand lying on the table. He didn't pull away, but I saw him tense and I backed off. "Anyway, I'm gonna grab more beer, you want some?"
"Nah, I'm good." He said and I left for the bar. I talked to a barman for few minutes and got my beer, but when I looked back at our table, Dean was sitting there talking to some woman. Well, flirting was probably better word, given that she had her hand resting on his arm and he was grinning at her. So I just stayed at the bar and talked to the barman some more. He happened to be an owner and he got that bar from his father. Family business, he said, but from the way he spoke of it, I knew he actually loved working there, loved the fact that it belonged to him. He told me some stories from his childhood, what growing up in a bar was like while I nursed my beer. I don't think it was long before I felt Dean slide on the stool beside me. I looked at him surprised, but before I could ask, he cocked his eyebrow at me.
"What's taking you so long?"
"You were busy, I didn't want to interrupt." I smiled at him.
"What do you mean? You wouldn't be interrupting."
"Come on Dean! I distinctly remember you muttering something about my cockblocking abilities back when I was falling."
He gaped at me for few seconds before asking me slowly.
"So let me get this straight – you stayed here so I could have a go at the chick there? As in hit on her and probably get laid?"
"Well, isn't that what you wanted?"
"So you're fine with me bringing her back to the motel?" He asked in that careful tone.
"I'd appreciate if you got a separate room, but yeah, that's the idea." I nodded at a loss as to why he was acting so weird.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He hissed under his breath and suddenly I was being dragged out of the bar. As soon as we were out of sight of everyone, he pressed me against the wall and kissed me roughly.
"Dammit, Cas! What the hell?" He growled, but he didn't release me or step back.
"You've got to be more specific than that, Dean." I told him. "What did I get wrong this time?"
"Why the hell are you ok with me sleeping around?" He asked a tad desperately.
"I had no idea I get to have a say in the matter. It's your life Dean and I know you. It's always been like this, I don't get why you should change."
"For fuck's sake! After everything I kind of thought you'd be all for being exclusive, as stupid as it sounds!"
"I am not planning to sleep around." I clarified, because I thought that was the problem.
"Yeah, then why are you ok with me doing that?"
"It's not like I want you to, but I figured you'd do it anyway, so why should I get in the middle of that? I don't want you to lie about it."
"Cas, listen to me," he started and then kissed me, "I might suck impressively at this thing we have, but even I don't suck that much. You've got to stop assuming! I looked for you for almost a fucking year and dragged you back and trust me, none of this was so I could screw around! This," he kissed me again, "this is real and I don't plan on fucking it up. I will probably do so in one way or another, but dammit, I'll try and do anything not to, ok?"
"So you're saying… Are you saying I should expect you not to screw around?" I asked him.
"Yes, dammit. I'm not going to screw around."
I smiled at him and in that moment I realized just how relieved I was. It was all good and shiny to tell myself I would be ok with that, but honestly – how could I be? I freakin' wanted him for myself! So I kissed him, again and again until we heard someone walking out of the bar. I pulled back, but before I released him, I muttered.
"I'm freakin' happy about this, you know?"
"Then why the hell didn't you just say it? We're both in this, man! I would fucking kick your ass for screwing around! Damn, I wanted to kick your ass for flirting with that barman there!"
"Hey, I wasn't flirting, just talking! Besides, if flirting is off limits too, then you have to work on yours."
"Yeah, I wasn't… I'm not saying… I mean some harmless flirting never hurt anyone, right?"
I chuckled and pushed him towards the bar again.
"Yeah, alright. Now let's go back find that moose of the brother of yours and I can go back for some harmless flirting with the barman."
"Hey!"
/\/\/\
"How about this – you go to Ancient Greece section and look for Phobos and Deimos. I'm sure Deimos will show his ugly face in this too." I tell Sam as we enter the library.
"Deimos? As in god of terror?"
"Yeah, they were kind of a package deal back in the day. Twin brothers, you know. In the mean time, I'll look up Ares. He was their leader and the only one they actually respected. Insolent fools…"
"Did you actually know them all?"
"Not in person. Ancient Greece was not my favorite by far. The only thing worse was Ancient Rome although the deities of course remained the same, all they did was change the names to be more… politically correct." I chuckle. "Anyway, that period of time was full of contrasts. Your species learned a lot during that time, evolved immensely. But for every Socrates, there was Aristogeiton, for every Seneca, there was Nero. It was a horrible time, filthy and cruel. I would have never considered falling for that humanity – there was very little kindness in it, just the base carnal desires and the first specks of brilliance of the mind."
"Whoa…. Well, I never thought I'd say that, but for the sake of humanity, I'm glad the whole apocalypse thing only happened now."
I laugh silently at that.
"The gods that spawned during that time were at fault too, of course, but…"
But I never finish that thought, because at that moment I see a man striding purposefully towards us and I freeze.
"You!" He hisses. "You are still alive! How dare you be alive?"
"Sadriel." I finally manage, but I don't try to defend when his fist hits my jaw at full force. I can feel a coppery, sickeningly salty taste of my blood filling my mouth and my head rings, but I don't try to back away. Sadriel hits me again splitting my eyebrow, before I see Sam bristle and shove him back.
"What the hell!" He yells, but Sadriel's focus is on me. He ducks under Sam's arms and punches me in the gut. I could easily block him, I could hurt him. I could actually kill him. Sadriel has always been a diplomat; he was never really a soldier. His hits are inefficient, flawed in many ways and really just too obvious, but I don't try to defend myself, instead I keep my hands down and let him attack me. It's Sam who catches him and shoves him back again. And before I know it, he's holding his gun, aiming at my brother.
"No!" I splutter through the blood and aches and I fling myself between Sam, and Sadriel. Sam stares at me in shock while Sadriel is momentarily frozen.
"What the fuck, man? Get out of the way!"
"No, Sam. There will be no more blood spilled." I turn to Sadriel. "Brother…"
"Don't you dare calling me that! It's your fault! You ruined us! You and your grandeur and your ignorance and your humanity!" He shouts at me and I lower my head. He is right, of course. This is my fault. I murdered part of my family and helped cast the remaining ones from heaven.
"Sadriel…" I start again, "I shall not fight you. I wish you no harm and should you find me alone, I will not defend. But brother… Don't let this anger rule you. Even though I deserve to be killed by your hand, you don't deserve to become a murderer."
"If I was the one holding the gun, I'd kill you in the heartbeat!"
"I know and I understand."
"Cas!" Sam hisses.
"As it is, my friend is holding the gun and he shall not permit you to harm me, regardless of what I say." I continue staring at Sadriel. His face betrays the rush of emotions running through him. He's angry and righteous and most of all he's hurt. "Brother… There is nothing I can do to be absolved or redeemed and I will pay for my sins in the Lake of Fire for eternity. Don't let your soul to be damaged too for someone as unworthy as me."
Sadriel stares at me for a long time and I can see he's thinking about what I said. He's not a fighter, he never will be.
"There is no forgiveness for you Castiel, no redemption and no absolution." He finally says. His voice is steady and unrelenting as he uncurls his fists. "You are lost forever."
With that he turns and leaves. In the year I've been human, I never felt more like breaking. My hands are shaking and my head is pounding, but it's the ache somewhere deep in my soul – and do I have a soul? – that unravels me.
"What the hell was that, Cas?" I hear Sam growl, but I can't even look at him now.
"I have to go." I mutter sauntering away. But it's Sam and he grabs my arm and spins me around. I don't know what he sees in my face, but he hides his gun and a second later he's hugging me again. I sag against him. It's weak and pathetic and I know it, but in that moment I can't find it in me to refuse the comfort he's so willingly giving me.
"Come on, man. He's just scared, you know? It must be difficult for him to be so human… But you didn't do this, Cas. It was Metatron, not you! I know they want to blame you, it's easier to put the blame on someone real and right here, but you can't take it."
"Stop Sam, just stop." I choke out. Dammit, I'm fucking breaking down here.
"No, you'll listen to me Cas. You and Dean, both of you are always carrying all that crap on your shoulders. You screwed up, alright! With those souls and godhood, you screwed up! But you have been punished enough! And you did all you could to make things better. It's not your fault that Metatron is a bitter son of the bitch who took his daddy issues on all of you!"
"I should've…"
"No! You did what you felt was right and you were trying to save your family, regardless the cost. He fucked you up! It's on him and not you! You can't just lie down here and die because he screwed you over!"
"But…"
"No, dammit! It was not your fault! Do you hear me? It was not your fault!"
I pull away and look at him. Look at the kindness in his face, at the care in his eyes.
"For this humanity I'd fall again." I tell him with the attempted grin. My face protests in sharp pain against any sort of the smile. For a diplomat Sadriel's right hook was suspiciously too painful. Sam gives me a small smile.
"Come on, let's go back to the bunker, patch you up a bit."
"Nah, it's ok. We still need to look for Phobos and I'm fine. I'll just go to the bathroom to clean up."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, all good." I tell him.
"Alright. But if you go and disappear on me, I'll kick your ass!"
"I won't, I promise." I tell him and remember the time I made the same promise to Dean.
/\/\/\
I woke up in the middle of the night, startled and disoriented. It took me some time to drag myself from the nightmare I've been having and realize where I was. That night was one of those nights when all three of us shared the room. Sam was not feeling too good, probably getting cold, and both Dean and I wanted to keep an eye on him. I was sleeping on the couch, alone, and as usually when I was sleeping alone, I dreamt. That night I had one of the worst nightmares since coming back home. It started as one of those horrible ones where I kept killing Dean and then morphed into the one I was still high on souls. I made Dean hurt Sam in it… I woke up as I was forcing Dean's hand to strike the lethal blow.
I still felt feverish with it, soaking with sweat but still chilled to the bones. There was no way I was getting back to sleep that night, no way in hell. So I got up, padded silently to the bathroom and got dressed. Both Dean and Sam were sleeping peacefully and I knew they really needed sleep, so as not to wake them I silently slid out of the motel room. I walked outside, sat on the porch in front of the motel and just waited for the morning to come. I suppose some time at night sleep got to me, because the next thing I remember was Dean shaking me.
"Cas, what the fuck are you doing here?" Dean growled at me, still shaking me.
"I suppose I was sleeping." I croaked trying to shake him off. "I'm not anymore! What's wrong? Why are you freaking out?"
"Dammit! Don't you disappear on me like that!" Dean groaned and slumped beside me still clutching fistfuls of my jacket.
It took me a moment to realize what happened. I pulled him into my arms then and rested my chin on his shoulder.
"Dean…" I breathed. "You thought I left again."
"Well what the fuck was I supposed to think? I woke up and you were not there!"
I rubbed soothing circles on his back and held him firmly against me.
"I'm right here Dean. I'm not leaving you again."
"What are you even doing here? What's wrong with the couch?"
"I just had a nightmare and I thought… I just needed some air, that's all."
"Jesus, Cas! How many times do I have to tell you – you have a nightmare, you come to me."
"You needed sleep. Besides, I'm not a child, I'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own."
"It's not about being capable, dammit. It's about…"
"It's about you wanting me in your sight all the time." I cut him off. "Dean, I'm not a two year old in the supermarket, ok? I won't get lost just because you look the other way once in a while."
"Fuck you, Cas. It's not about that."
"No, it's about you not trusting me."
"I trust you with my life. I trust you with Sammy." He hissed.
"Yes, but you don't trust me with my life. And you don't trust I won't go away."
"Well, your track record is not exactly clean, now is it?" He sneered and I pulled back at once. "Dammit, it's not what I meant."
"This is exactly what you meant." I sighed tiredly. "I will not leave you again. Whether you believe this or not, I will not leave."
"Cas…"
"This is enough, Dean. I think there's nothing else to be said right now."
"Jesus, I want to believe you, ok? I fucking want to! But it's…"
"It's fine. I suppose you were overdue for a freak out. After all, I had mine."
"Very funny…" He growled and tugged me back into his hold.
"It just takes time, doesn't it? You're going to find me here, with you, every time and eventually you'll stop thinking that I will leave again. You'll have to get a new reason to freak out."
"If you think I enjoyed it, you're thoroughly mistaken. Fine, I freaked out, but damn, you're not leaving again!"
"I promise you, I won't leave again." I told him seriously and I kissed him. The fact that he didn't push me away, even though we were outside and it was morning already, just showed me how shaken he was not to find me. "Let's get back inside before you freak out over PDA. I don't think you can handle two freak outs at once."
"Shut up." He growled, but he didn't let go of me as we walked back to the motel room. "How do you even know what PDA is?"
"Allie." I grinned and latched on the chance to distract him, make him forget the whole thing. "You wouldn't believe how much absolutely irrelevant information women store in their heads… Seriously, I had to sit through countless stories about celebrities, shows, trivia and all that crap!"
Dean laughed.
"Why? No one would make me listen to what Brangelina is up to!"
"The fact that you know what Brangelina is says a lot about you… And anyway, you don't have female friends. They grow on you, you know? You don't even notice how the comfortable silences in the library morph into comfortable conversations about books, then suddenly TV shows, celebrities, people you've never heard of until you find yourself thinking you are fully converse on the subject of Charlie Sheen's breakdown on Two and a Half Men…"
"You know what, a year ago no one would have made me believe you were capable of saying the last sentence and mean it!"
"A year ago no one would've made me believe I'd get to have sex with you. Things change." I laughed and he chuckled with me. "Anyway, in long afternoons at work, especially when it was slow, few regular readers and that's it, Allie, Jake and I spent hours sorting the books and speaking about the insignificant things. And it was way better for me than having to dodge questions about my life before I came to work there. So I encouraged Allie to tell me more about those things and Jake was hopelessly infatuated with her, so he listened too. That is until Nick came along."
I felt Dean's hand tighten on my back at the mention of Nick, but he kept his face impassive.
"Why's that? Did he have a problem with you two?"
"No, but he did have a problem with Allie and Nick. Allie met Nick first, they dated for a while before she introduced him to Jake and me."
"Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying Nick was Allie's boyfriend? Dude, that's messed up!"
"I know." I said simply. It was messed up, no denying it.
"How did you even go from being millennia old virgin one day to stealing a boyfriend from your friend the other?" Dean scowled.
"I didn't steal Nick." I frowned. "They broke up before anything happened between us. And to answer your other point, I wasn't a virgin by then. And besides, just because I never felt need to fornicate before, doesn't mean I didn't know about it. You can hardly think you were the first one to try to get me laid."
"Wait, what?" He stared at me, eyes widening.
"Have you met Balthazar?" I asked. "Seriously, do you think he never tried? I had to endure countless attempts, countless not so subtle 'accidents' and occasions he fabricated to get me laid."
"I knew he was a slimy bastard!" Dean growled. We were standing at our motel door, but neither of us wanted to get in just yet.
"He was certainly very determined. Whorehouse you took me to was the most innocent of places I've been courtesy of Balt."
"Seriously?"
"Dean, I met Caligula once." I told him shuddering at the memory.
"Whoa! Was he really that bad?"
"Worse. He was… I thought he actually was a demon. He wasn't, not then anyway, but you can imagine. Balthazar thought it was amusing, how the hairless apes succumbed to carnal pleasures and pains. I thought there was no species I could despise more. Needless to say I didn't go on any trips that weren't strictly missions with Balt for a very long time."
"Then why the hell were you so freaked out that night?"
"Because that was the first time I actually considered the possibility."
"Really? Why? What changed?" He asked curiously and I looked at him for few moments.
"Before… Before I fell, I never felt any real need to connect to anyone in any way. I was part of the host and the host is perfect. You don't feel anything in the host because you are and you live everything. I know it sounds weird but… Look, you don't go wishing for one more kidney – you have two already and they are perfectly capable of doing the job. You wouldn't even think of wanting one more, because seriously – why? It's similar with the host – you have everything there and you are everything. I never could understand Balt's fascination with human desires, because I couldn't relate. Did I ever tell you that they only send very few angels to Earth? Only the ones that are completely balanced and show no inhibitions. This is because in the view of the higher ranks of the host, Earth and humanity in particular is an infection to the angels. Angels that show any indication they could be affected by emotions, are never allowed down here. I was a perfect example – I've been on Earth countless times, I had to endure Balt's games and yet I never showed any inclination I might actually care. And I really, really didn't.
That was one of the reasons why Zachariah sent me to find you in the pit. He knew I couldn't be affected – I was one of his best soldiers." I laughed bitterly at that. "Proved him wrong, didn't I?
Anyway, after all that, after I met you and rebelled, after I fell… I still didn't really feel the need or strictly speaking desire to have sex, but I was curious. You made it sound exciting and I… Well, I suppose I wasn't as opposed as I was before. Regardless, it still felt wrong and I didn't want to go through with it in the end.
In the next couple of years I didn't exactly have time for anything except the war and the battles and you know… Besides, there were you.
But after the angels fell… I had nothing holding me back anymore. I had no god, no host, no you. And it all just happened so naturally, you know? I had to start speaking to people, because I simply needed to work to get some money. I was hungry – it was as easy as that. Three days of not having anything to eat ease you up a little, so I went and talked to people and found a job. Then long silences in the library started to be punctuated by some meaningless conversations with people I worked with. Finally I made friends. And eventually I thought – what a hell, I'm human now. Having sex seemed to work pretty well for you when you wanted to forget the crap you've been through so I thought I'd give it a try, since drugs was not an option. You were right."
Suddenly Dean wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. Our foreheads touched and I breathed in a slow, steady breath to calm myself.
"I'm glad you got a chance to experience this humanity on your own, but… I spent months worrying you might be hurt, or hungry or plain dead… I'm not good at this, but dammit Cas, you are important to me, ok? As in really. I know you managed just fine on your own, but I don't want you to manage on your own." And with that he kissed me full on the mouth. Surprised as I was I still melted into the kiss, pressing hard against him, enjoying his reckless attention more than should be possible. "I'd like to fuck you senseless Castiel. Fuck you until you're sated and incoherent, fuck you until you can't physically get away from me." He whispered into my ear.
My breath hitched at that but I grinned.
"You always do." I told him. "And I'm not going anywhere."
And we kissed again. I knew it was stupid to wind each other up like that when we had Sam sleeping in our room, but honestly, I couldn't have cared less.
/\/\/\
It takes us more than three hours to sort through the documents and books in the library. Sam called Dean to let him know we were not going to make it to the diner and they agreed to meet back home. Yeah, we all have home now.
I look up from my stack of books when Sam comes over.
"We got to go home, man." He mutters yawning. "It's late and I'm beat."
I stretch and flinch at the aches in my stomach and face.
"Yeah, alright. I think we got all we could anyway. It really is Deimos and Phobos this time…"
"Just our luck, I suppose."
When we come back to the bunker, Dean is already there. Both Sam and I grin at the smells coming from the kitchen. Dean thinks he cooks better than he actually does, but there are things that he can make that are absolutely amazing. And from the smell of it, tonight we will be having his beef stew – which is doubly awesome because it's really good and we won't be subjected to his more questionable concoctions.
We head to the kitchen to find it in the usual state of post-disaster disarray with Dean's right by the stove, stirring feverishly.
"I think I burned it a little." He admits in dejected voice before turning to us. He notices my bruises and in a second he's right up in my personal space, cupping the side of my face.
"What happened? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Dean." I nod. "Don't worry."
"Then what happened?" He asks again frowning.
"It's nothing. Family meetings, you know how they go…" I grin trying not to show how affected by Sadriel's hate I still am.
"You met your brothers?"
"Not only did he meet his brother," Sam frowns, "he apparently has decided to serve as a punch bag to him!"
"Sam." I mutter.
"What?" Dean asks.
"Apparently your boyfriend here has decided to let his brothers have a go at him if any of them wants to! He wasn't even trying to defend himself!"
Dean narrows his eyes at me and I sigh.
"I'm not going to hurt any of my brothers ever again."
"Dammit!" Sam hisses again and then turns to Dean. "Maybe you can smack some sense into him, because seriously, he jumped in front of the gun I pulled out to help him!"
"Sam, can you look over the stew?" Dean asks unexpectedly. "I'll handle this."
He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the kitchen. We go to my room and he closes the door behind him. I expect him to start yelling and I brace myself. It's never easy to fight with Dean, but this is something I know I'm going to win, because there's no way in hell I will ever hurt my brothers. Dean sits on the bed and I sit beside him.
"I understand." He says simply and I gape at him.
"You do?"
"Yeah, I do. I understand guilt. After you got me out of hell… And to this day, really… I will never torture anyone. You forced me once and it was worse than I thought it would be. It was… I hate myself for what I did in hell and who I was in hell. I don't want to be that person anymore and I... I just understand why you won't defend,"
"Thank you. I really need you to be with me on this and so… yeah, thank you. But… I have to say this - Dean, what you did in hell is incomparable to what I've done in my own free will. It's not about what you do in hell, do you understand? Hell is what is done to you. You survived hell, it's victory, not a sin and not a crime. You survived and yes, you came out of it changed and different, but… Dammit, I don't know how to use words to tell you this!" I growl frustrated. Why the hell is it so much easier to talk to Sam? "Look, when I said you deserve to be saved it was not just words or concepts. Dean, you deserve to be saved." He shifts uncomfortably at that, but I hold onto him. "Listen to me, what I saw in hell the first time I saw you, was not a demon, not a sinner, not… With every cut you made on that soul you tortured, your own soul rippled with pain and horror. You didn't choose this, do you understand? It was just one more way for Alistair to torture you – he made you believe you were weak, he made you believe you chose this and you enjoyed this, because he knew that hurting people is the worst he can do to you! It was his torture on you, do you hear me? It was not what you did, it was what happened to you. This is how hell works – it strips you bare of all your defenses and all your walls and uses what's underneath to inflict the most pain on you. Your biggest fear is losing Sam and hurting people – in hell you have already lost him and so the only thing Alistair could do to you that was worst than pain, was make you hurt them."
"Cas… just stop, ok? I just can't…" His voice breaks and I cup his face in my palms.
"You deserve to be saved and you deserve all the good things that happen to you." I tell him firmly and he closes his eyes.
"And what about you then?"
"You can't compare us. I don't deserve what I have now, but I'm selfish enough to hold onto this anyway."
"It's… Cas, it's a load of crap." He says finally. "Look… Yeah, you fucked up. Dammit, you fucked up royally, but you know what – you've been punished enough, ok? The soul stunt you did – it sucked and you were wrong to do it! You were wrong, but you didn't know it would turn out as bad as it did. All those brothers you claim you've killed – you didn't do it on your own free will as you say. You did it while high on souls! I know you think it's just an excuse, but it's not – you would've never done it if you weren't high on souls. Yeah, Balthazar is on you, it had nothing to do with souls. It is your fault and you have to live with it every day – it's called regret and you are damn full of it. But the rest… You screwed up, but you never wanted them to die, same as I never wanted to torture. I did it because I had to, because I was broken. And you did it because you were broken. And that's not even the point – the point is that you have been punished already and you still are punishing yourself. And it scares the crap out of me, because if you can't forgive yourself then… You'll always put your head out and I just can't… Dammit, I just can't lose you again!"
"Dean…"
"No, Cas." He cuts me of and takes a deep breath. "Look, I understand that you won't hurt them again, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you roll over and die. I will kill whoever tries to hurt you and there's nothing you can do about that. I am not letting you martyr yourself because you're feeling guilty and worthless. You're not worthless to me and I'm keeping you. This… This thing we have… It means everything to me and I will keep it no matter the costs, you hear me? So why don't we just try to stay away from your siblings and you know… live."
I smile at him tentatively.
"Yeah, it sounds like something I could do."
"Good." He nods and kisses me. And then it seems he just can't let go, because he kisses me again and again until we hear Sam shout from downstairs.
"Guys! Enough of the drama, come here to eat!"
We both chuckle and he starts standing up, but I catch him.
"Hey, there's more." I tell him and he looks at me worriedly. "Look, I've got to tell you something, but you can't freak out. I mean it's nothing… You just can't freak out, ok?"
He frowns then.
"Jesus, what is it?"
I fidget and rub the back of my neck. I never thought I could get so nervous.
"It's nothing big, but… Look I've been meaning to tell you, but I wasn't sure how you'd take it."
"Spit it out Cas. What the fuck is going on?"
"It's nothing bad, really. And look, you don't have to do anything about it. I mean, it's not a big deal, I just don't want you to freak out, that's all."
"Cas goddammit, you're not making it better! What the hell did you do?"
"I didn't do anything, it's just… It has nothing to do with you anyway… Well almost. It's something I… Ok, I'm going to tell you this now, but just remember you don't have to do anything with it, just don't freak out, it's not a big deal."
"Oh my freakin'… What the hell is it?!" He yells.
"I freakin' love you."
There's a long silence between us. He gapes at me, mouth slightly open, eyes wide. I look right back at him for what seems an eternity. Finally, I just can't take it anymore.
"As I said, it's not a big deal." I mutter quickly. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but dammit, I do love him. "It doesn't change things, I just thought I'd let you know, is all. Um… I think we should go downstairs, Sam's waiting."
I stand up and I'm almost at the door when he catches up and turns me around.
"This is how you tell someone you love him?" He asks silently, pressing me against the door with his body.
"Well it's not like I have a lot of experience on the account." I mutter defensively. "I only ever told Sam I love him and let's face it – he wasn't prone to freak out."
"You what?" He splutters. "You're actually telling me you told my brother you loved him? Right now? After you just told me you love me?"
"This came out weird, didn't it?" I grin.
"You can say that again."
"Look, I meant what I said – it doesn't change anything and I really don't expect anything from you, ok? I didn't mean it as a burden, I just wanted you to know this is important to me and you know…"
He presses his forehead against mine then.
"Ok."
"Ok." I echo and we're kissing again, slow and easy.
"Guys, seriously!" We hear Sam yell and we chuckle into each other's mouths. He pulls away then.
"You know, I think I'll move my stuff in here tonight." He says unexpectedly and I look at him. "I don't remember when was the last time I slept in my room anyway and it makes sense we share this one rather than mine – at least it doesn't share the wall with Sam's room."
"I think he'll appreciate that." I nod with a chuckle.
As we walk out of the door, he takes my hand and twines his fingers with mine.
"I'm keeping you." He mutters blushing slightly and I smile. This is more than enough.
/\/\/\ END /\/\/\
Just one last thing - I'm incredibly happy you stayed with me through this story, hope you liked it and hope you love destiel! Of course, who am I kidding - what's not to love? ;)
p.s. This is my second fully finished multichapter - I couldn't be more thrilled and happy with myself!
and lastly - someone offered to be my beta in the reviews. If you're still interested, could you pm me? I have a new story well underway and one more in progress - I could really use a beta...
And now that's really it! Thx, L.