DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. To say I was bowled over by the response would be an understatement! As a thank you I have posted a one-shot, "Missed Me?" as well as this chapter.

Author's notes at the bottom.

July 2014

Tuesday 1 July 2014

So, I will be heading back to Bath at the weekend. It has been hard work here but I think I'm making progress, which is good. What I hadn't expected was this feeling of detachment from the Army I now feel. I have always loved the Army and all of its intricacies, its discipline and its hierarchical structure, but now it kind of annoys me. I have spoken about my feelings with Rosie McClellan, my shrink, and she says that it is as if I have already distanced myself mentally. She feels some of this is likely down to PTSD, but she actually told me that I should consider moving on if that's how I feel.

We have talked extensively about what happened on the bridge and about how I blame myself for Smurf's death. She said our discussions are protected by patient confidentiality but I have not told her about Molly's and my kiss, just that Smurf picked up on our feelings and flipped. I have told her that Molly and I had agreed to wait out on any possible liaison until we got back to the UK, and how much it cost us, but that we talked and touched at the CP and Smurf must have picked up on it. I felt a bit bad about lying, but I am protecting Molly. If our kiss became public it could seriously damage her military career and that would be a travesty. My career would be over, but I have pretty much accepted that it is over anyway.

Rosie has been great about talking everything through and getting me to see what I am and am not responsible for. That being said, I did lose tactical awareness and focus on that bridge and nearly got Molly, Smurf and I killed, and potentially endangered the rest of the section. While I have never lost focus before, I am worried that it could happen again and don't think I should risk the lives of any men and women serving under me.

Rosie suggested I spoke with the Careers team here about looking into things I can do. I have already mentioned that I don't fancy a desk job and the sort of things soldiers seem to do afterwards don't really appeal. There is the security role, but I don't really think it's for me. I would like to do something where I help and support people. You can make a real difference to people's lives. Molly taught me that. I want to do something that we can compare notes about and also something that will make her proud of me. Bruce Miller, who is one of the careers reps here, suggested I talk to some charities and NGOs. Apparently he knows some people who have contacts in those areas and he will try doing some snooping for me. I thanked him profusely.

Saturday 5 July 2014

I'm back in Bath. I would say my stay at Headley Court has done good things for me. The movement in my leg is better, and I have been set a number of exercises and activities to do every day to continue to strengthen it, which include stretching and swimming exercises. I have been told to walk without my support as much as possible and build up the amount of walking I do, and that by the end of this month I should be able to start running again. I am not looking forward to that – I HATE running. Or rather, I should say, I hate running on my own. It's OK when you've got someone to run with.

I've been given a clean bill of health on my abdomen and told to build up my abs and core exercises slowly, so hopefully I can start to do something about this belly I've been building before Molly gets back! Apparently swimming is good for that as well, so I must find a local swimming pool.

I've been told to go back to Headley Court for a two day appointment in four weeks' time, and if I have continued my improvement I will be passed out from there and will need to face a Medical Board. After that I can make my decision about whether to stay in the Army or not. So by the end of August I could be back on Civvy Street.

Bruce Miller came through for me and I have an appointment with a contact of his who works with NGOs and charities in London next Friday 11th July. We will discuss what sort of roles are available and I can tell him the sort of thing I am looking to do and he will tell me whether that's viable.

Wednesday 9 July 2014

I really miss Molly at the moment. The weather has been great over the past few weeks and when I walk around the city, people are sunbathing in the parks and gardens. There are some really pretty girls wearing not a Hell of a lot and while, like any other red blooded male, I enjoy the views, it makes me melancholy because I'm sure Molly would look absolutely gorgeous in a bikini or short sundress as well. I hope she's doing OK. Her reports from Afghan are positive and she seems to be really enjoying what she's doing. On a more positive note, Qaseem e-mailed to say that he has found Bashira and had her put into a safehouse. He is going to meet with Molly next week, when she is in Kabul, to tell her.

It has been great to spend a bit more time with Sam since I got back from Headley Court. It is still a little while before the Summer holidays, but Rebecca brought him over on Sunday when I got back and I saw him last night as well. I am looking forward to taking him out during the day during the summer and have asked Rebecca if I can take him abroad for a long weekend in August, which she agreed to.

Friday 11 July 2014

So I went to London today to meet Bruce's contact, John Williams. Turns out he is a headhunter who works with NGOs and charities. It only took 90 minutes to get there on the train and we met in a hotel just round the corner from Paddington. We talked about my Army experience and particularly some of the aspects of the most recent tour and my need for change. I mentioned my aversion to working the majority of my time in an office, although I am realistic enough to know that I will have to spend a certain amount of my time in an office. Turns out he is a former Army officer as well and so we were able to compare notes. He had a similar revelation to me after Iraq and decided to get out. I guess there are quite a number of us out there.

He told me that there were always jobs available for someone with my background, but that they weren't necessarily advertised. He said that he will have a word with some of his contacts about me and see what's available. We briefly discussed salaries (which frankly aren't that relevant since I have a private income but needed to be talked about so that potential employers take you seriously). We agreed to keep in touch, and that he would call me straightaway if anything came up. I mentioned, hopefully not jumping the gun, that my girlfriend was still in the Army so I might need a bit of flexibility over working locations and holidays if she was on leave. He said that could be discussed with potential employers.

Sunday 13 July 2014

So Mum finally got tired of me moping around at home, missing Molly. It's getting pretty bad. I sometimes take her black robe out of the wardrobe in the evenings just to touch it and smell her scent. It relaxes me. I've also been reading my diary entries for the nights Molly stayed over.

Mum read me the riot act this afternoon and told me I had to resurrect my social life, particularly if I was serious about leaving the Army. She told me, quite rightly, that I am now more than well enough to travel to stay with my friends and that, while she enjoyed seeing a lot more of me, this wasn't me. I should be doing stuff at night during the week and at the weekends like going to the rugby, going out with my friends and even going to stay with the ones that are further away. She's right. I will start reaching out to people.

Thursday 17 July 2014

Got an e-mail from Qaseem today. Apparently bloody Molly Dawes is at it again! He was able to meet up with her, as planned, yesterday lunchtime. He caught the end of a lecture she was giving at the university, which apparently went down very well with the students. I got a warm feeling inside when he said that, which rapidly transformed into a hot flush of anger at her latest stunt!

Qaseem told Molly that he had located Bashira and, unlike normal people who might just write to the little girl, Miss Molly had to go and see for herself. Obviously Qaseem tried to dissuade her but, as I have noticed, when Molly gets the bit between her teeth nothing can deflect her! So the bloody idiot put on a burka, sneaked out (without telling anyone where she was going!) and Qaseem drove her to meet Bashira. Qaseem said it was lovely to see the two of them together. Both the little girl and Molly were crying with happiness. He felt cruel when he had to separate them to take Molly back. I'm glad I am hearing about this after the fact, since I know Molly got back safe, but still! I'm glad I'm not her CO any more or I'd certainly have grey hairs. I think as her boyfriend I might get them as well!

I went straight upstairs and started writing an angry letter asking her how she could be so stupid, but then I realised letters could be censored or discovered and I don't want to get her into trouble. I think I will save the letter (it is a bit of a masterpiece!) and present her with it when she gets back!

Qaseem also mentioned that Molly talked about giving him her 14 grand deployment money for Bashira and he said that it was too much and asked me how could he dissuade her? Did I mention what a good man Qaseem is? I called and asked how much he thought would be needed and he said that probably a trust fund of about £10,000 should see her through school and university and allow her some independence. I told him to hold that thought and I would see about setting up a trust for her with some of my and some of Molly's money. He should just put Molly off about it until she comes back and I will discuss it with her.

Wednesday 23 July 2014

Just back from a few days staying with Richie and Sarah in Derbyshire. I left on Saturday afternoon, after I had taken Sam home, and we had a great time. I hadn't seen them for ages so it was good to catch up. We went out walking on the Dales on Sunday; obviously nothing steep and not for long, but it was really good to get back to doing some of the things I used to enjoy. Mum was right, it was long overdue to start catching up with my friends. I still thought of Molly lots of times during the day, but there wasn't that cloying feeling of loneliness and loss that I have been getting recently.

I wrote to her on the train back and told her about the weekend and remembered that she would be writing to me, but for the first time her letter was not the only thing to look forward to in a day, and I guess that shows that I am starting to get my life back.

Sunday 27 July 2014

Wow, looking over my entries for the past few weeks and I see that I'm not really writing a lot. I guess that's got a lot to do with the fact that nothing massively out of the ordinary is happening. My recovery continues on track (which is great) and I've joined a gym and a swimming club and am starting to get my physique, stamina and fitness levels back. I haven't mentioned that to Molly; hopefully she'll be pleasantly surprised when she gets back! I'm starting to get my social life back, both around Bath and with some of my uni friends and I am often out or on the phone in the evenings, catching up. I'm still loving my letters from Molly and making time to write to her, but it's dropped to twice a week for both of us. She is busy and has lots of people to write to (her family and she also told me she has been exchanging letters with Smurf's mother, Candy) and my life balance is better.

John Williams has been back with a couple of jobs but none of them really floated my boat. He said not to worry and he will keep an eye out.

I have organised with Mum and Dad and Rebecca that we will take Sam away around the weekend of the 8th to the 12th of August. Mum and Dad suggested we go to the villa in the South of France but I wondered if Lake Garda might be better for Sam since there are more activities there. It will be a good weekend to go though, since my Medical Board is on the 15th and it will be great to take my mind off it!

August 2014

Monday 4 August 2014

So I'm off to Headley Court for my two day appointment tomorrow. I hope that it goes well. I think I should pass; physically I am lots better than before and am starting to get what feels like almost a full range of movement back. It is now nearly four months since the injury and, aside from a nasty scar, there is very little to show that it ever happened. Molly's latest letter wished me luck. It is so sweet that she is so busy but still remembered that I have this important appointment. I'll have to make sure to get her something to show my gratitude.

Thursday 7 August 2014

Clean bill of health from Headley Court! I have 95% of my movement back and that's as good as it's going to get! I got back last night and Mum and Dad took me for dinner to celebrate.

I also caught up with Rosie McClellan while I was there and she said that she is very pleased by my progress. We talked in some detail about my future and I said that I was almost convinced now that it doesn't include the Army. She said that she felt I had made the right decision for me. It's not as though I won't be part of the Reserves and able to be called up if my country needs me. It's just on a day to day basis I think I have lost my love for it.

We leave for our short break with Sam tomorrow. In fact he is coming over tonight so that we can leave early for the airport tomorrow morning. We decided to go to our villa in the South of France, based mainly on the availability of flights. I am really looking forward to it. I love the hills and the wonderful way of life down there and we should get good weather. The only downer is that I will not be able to pick up Molly's letters until we get back. Still I should only miss one, maybe two.

Tuesday 12 August 2014

We got back this afternoon and I have just dropped a very tired Sam at Rebecca's. She invited me in and we had a long talk. It turns out that she has a new boyfriend, Sean. She didn't know if she should tell me but she didn't want to put Sam in a difficult position. I told her I was very happy for her and in the interests of full disclosure I told her I was seeing someone too. She knew straightaway "It's that medic isn't it? The one who saved your life?" I asked how she knew and she said that she could tell from the way Molly looked at me. She also said that it wasn't an issue. We parted on good terms. I hope she likes the lovely handmade clay vase that I helped Sam choose for her.

It was good to hear Molly's news; they have been working hard recently as there has been a flare up of Taliban activity and lots of ANA and police casualties; luckily not too many British and American casualties though. Some of the Afghan medics she is mentoring were engaged, so she has had to do a lot of work with them to help them.

We had a great few days in France. I love the whole lifestyle in that part of the world. Our villa is in the Vaucluse region, within an easy drive of Avignon. It is beautifully sheltered so we don't get some of the vicious winds that are prevalent in that region and is surrounded by vineyards, but within walking distance of the nearest town which boasts all you could ever need (boulangerie, bar, supermarket). I just love relaxing in the garden or in the swimming pool, or walking through the country lanes or fields. I am dying to take Molly there one day and hope she loves it as much as me. Hopefully she will think it's "proper nice", like that area of Helmand we were based in!

Friday 15 August 2014

It was my medical review board today, so I was back at Headley Court. Got a good luck letter from Molly in the morning post, which tickled me pink. I hope she likes the nail varnish I sent her (on mum's advice). There was this really interesting little makeup shop in one of the towns with all these mad colours (green, blue, silver), so we picked out some for her and Mum made sure we got nail varnish remover so she wouldn't get into trouble – I wouldn't have even thought of that! I also brought some more of it home to give to her when she visits. Am I whipped or what?!

I passed, and was declared fit for active service. I then submitted my request to resign my active commission and asked to be downgraded to reserve status. They said they would come back to me.

As I write this I feel a bit melancholy. It is final now. I have resigned (in writing) and there is no going back. The Army has been my home for many years and I'm not quite sure how I will fit in outside it. But I know I've got to try. I am hopeful I will find a good job that challenges me and helps to make a difference to other people, and, hopefully uses my skill base as well. I wrote all of this to Molly and await her reply. She always has a way of making me feel that everything will be OK.

Wednesday 20 August 2014

It is now two months since Molly shipped out on her tour and, all things being equal, she should be back within 6-8 weeks. To say that I can't wait and I miss her would be one of life's absolutely massive understatements. While my life is more balanced now, I devour every letter she sends and I have a pile of all of them in a box on my desk. I often go back and re-read them time after time just to get every little nuance out of them, although Molly isn't that subtle – she tends to tell things how they are!

Friday 22 August 2014

I had a letter from Kinders yesterday telling me that he had heard on the grapevine that I was resigning my commission and trying to persuade me not to. He said that I was the best officer he had served with and that it would be a great loss to the Army if I left. He also thanked me for the time spent helping him to be a better NCO. I was touched by the letter and wrote back immediately to confirm that I had resigned but wished him and the men well for the future.

Interesting e-mail from John Williams today with details of a job with the British/International Red Cross. They are looking for an Overseas Disaster Emergency Co-ordinator. Basically someone who can fly out when there's an emergency and co-ordinate the response, working with the logistics and medical functions and local authorities to make sure that the right stuff goes to the right places, in the right amounts and at the right times. I could be based where I like so long as I am within 6 hours of London and there is a minimal amount of time required at their head office in London, and travelling to and working with other teams around the world. He said that it needs someone who can work well under pressure and has experience of working in big organisations and co-ordinating with different groups within them.

It sounds perfect for me. I could be using my skills to help people and I would get lots of travel and, if I was lucky, might get to work with Molly if the British Army sent medical teams to operations I am working on. Of course that is pretty pie in the sky and unlikely to happen, but it is possible. In addition, I'd run my own timetable which would mean I could work hard and travel when Molly is away on exercise and on tour, and try to prioritise leave and being around her when she is at home. Also, if she was posted abroad, there's no reason why I couldn't do my job from there, as long as it isn't in the middle of nowhere.

I have asked him for more details on how to apply.

Molly liked the nail varnish I sent her! She especially appreciated the nail varnish remover. She said that she put some of the varnish on when she was off duty the other night and it made her feel "well girlie again"! She wrote of her sadness about me resigning my commission. She said that I had been a fantastic officer (but maybe she was biased!) but said I had her full support. That means so much. I must ask her whether she's had any thoughts about her plans for after this tour. I'm hoping for a posting to Aldershot – it would be ideal – close to her family and within easy reach of mine and if I get this job it would be perfect. But I won't say anything to Molly. It's her career and I don't want to influence her wishes in any way.

Thursday 28 August 2014

I received a small package this morning. I wasn't sure who it was from so I opened it. It turned out that Kinders fights dirty. He had told all the boys in the platoon that I am leaving and all of them, every one, had written to me. There was even a letter from Major Beck. Most of the letters were trying to persuade me to stay on, but wishing me luck if I decided to go. The Major said that he would happily lose my resignation if I was swayed by the letters, but if I was not then he expected me to attend the Barracks to say goodbye and hand in all of my clothing and ID cards.

I was very touched by the thought. I did have a bit of a cry actually but I truly believe I have made the right decision. If I subsequently find I have not then I can always re-apply. I wrote back three letters; one for Kinders, one for the Major and one for the Platoon. In the Platoon one I thanked them for their loyalty and told them that I would always be honoured to serve with each and every one of them and wished them all luck for their future lives and careers. I tried to tell Kinders what his gesture meant to me and to thank him, but to confirm that I have already made my decision. I confirmed my decision to the Major and asked him to send me a list of dates that worked for him for me to come down. I am officially on Terminal Leave at the moment so I can pretty much attend at any time.

John Williams got back to me to say that the job has not been advertised but that he has been speaking to one of his contacts and that they mentioned the requirement. He is going to try and get me an interview.

Sunday 31 August 2014

I had a letter from Molly yesterday telling me that she has been giving lots of thought to what comes afterwards and that her present CO has been encouraging her to attend CLM courses when she gets back and she also wants to do medical courses to improve her rating as a Combat Medical Technician.

I was delighted about the CLM suggestion since it means that Molly is being considered for accelerated promotion if she is being encouraged to do these courses. I'm not sure if she's aware of that – knowing Molly, probably not! She said that she is keen to apply for a posting at Aldershot, probably with a medical regiment, so that would be ideal from my point of view as well, providing I get the job!

I had a great day with Sam today. School starts on Wednesday so I will see less of him but I have really enjoyed seeing more of him during the holidays.

Dad and I are really looking forward to the beginning of the Premiership; also next week. Hopefully I will be able to take Sam along with us to some of the Bath home matches.

Molly said that she will have some guidance on when she is coming home soon. Apparently activities are winding down quicker than expected and British combat forces will be leaving Afghanistan by the end of October vs the original target of the end of the year.

A/N 1 I'm not too clear on the process for leaving the Army since I haven't really been able to find too much detail on it. So apologies that it's not as well-researched as normal.

A/N 2 I made the Red Cross job up, although it does bear some resemblance to other jobs I have seen advertised (not necessarily with the Red Cross).

A/N 3 CLM stands for "Command, Leadership and Management", there are different levels but passing the courses is a pre-requisite for a soldier to be promoted to the next level of advancement.