Kanda's POV

"Akumako!" My eyes snapped open, and the world I saw had completely changed. No checkered floor, no doors, no strange girl cajoling Akumako. And no Akumako. I picked myself up from out of the dirt where I'd fallen, shouting her name, foolishly hoping she would somehow hear me. But there was nothing. Nothing but my own voice dying away in the fog. Stiff and cold, I took off running down the road, calling for Akumako at the top of my lungs until I was hoarse. Dammit, woman! I inwardly cursed, Where the hell are you?!

I don't know how long I ran or how far I'd gone before I heard someone call my name, "Yu!" Not the voice I wanted to hear. Lavi and Bookman materialised out of the fog, the younger looking quite out-of-breath. "Yu! Where've you been? We've been looking for you for ages!"

"What's it matter?" I snapped, my hands clenched into tight fists.

"You disappeared without even leaving a note!" Lavi hollered, "We had no way of knowing what happened! First Akumako vanishes, then you! What were we supposed to think?"

"You think I care?" I snarled, "You found me, now leave me alone so I can find Akumako."

This time, Bookman interjected, "And what exactly do you plan to do if you somehow find her?"

I glared, sure he was insinuating something, "Meaning what exactly?"

"Are you going to be able to do your job or have emotions clouded your proper judgement?"

"What do you mean, 'Do my-'" Mid-sentence, I realised exactly what he meant. "You knew."

"Of course we did. As Bookmen, we were privy to all information regarding the Demon Exorcist Akumako." The old man gave me a pointed look. "And I do mean all of it."

I returned his gaze with malice, "And what exactly are you getting at, old man?"

He narrowed his eyes at my insolence but answered, "Not only has she begun awakening as a Demon Exorcist, but she'd also run away, likely to rejoin the Millennium Earl. You were assigned to kill her if that happened." I tried to cut him off, but he kept going, "Of course, you should have done that the moment she attacked Lavi. Yet you didn't. You even asked us to overlook the incident."

"Your point?"

"Your emotions have gotten the better of you, Kanda," he chided, "Even if you found her, you won't kill her like you agreed, will you?"

I scowled at the pair menacingly. "Not if I can save her." I turned on my heel and bolted, unwilling to waste one more moment being lectured about my job. I knew I'd broken my agreement. After being broken for so long, there was no way I could ever un-break it.

Eight Years Ago

I was on my way to the cafeteria for dinner when I heard a loud, excited squeal, "General Cross!" Akumako. The cursed half-breed. I stood just around the corner, watching them and waiting for them to leave so I could get my meal in peace.

I watched as the Freak ran up to the General, shrieking like a delighted maniac. I watched as he picked her up in a warm hug and laughed happily, like I imagined any half-decent father might. I listened to them talk about this, that, and the other thing. Not even anything all that interesting. It was weird how happy it seemed to make them. It was weird that they did that. It was weird how normal it seemed. And it was weird that those two were the ones acting that way.

I found it unsettling.

Impatient, I made a small sound of annoyance. Freak didn't seem to notice, but General Cross's eye immediately darted to me. His expression shifted for just a moment in a way I couldn't decipher, then changed back without a trace as soon as he turned his attention back to the Freak. He told her to go ahead and get some food, and that he had some business to attend to before he could eat, but it wouldn't take long and he'd join her soon. She smiled and hugged him one more time before running off into the cafeteria. So much for my peaceful meal.

Once Freak was gone, General Cross started heading straight towards me. Not keen on finding out what he wanted, I tried to slip away, but he caught up to me before I could make a clean getaway.

"Are you Yu Kanda?" he inquired without even a hint of politeness.

"What's it to you?" I retorted in a similar manner.

"Watch your tone, punk. Are you Yu Kanda, yes or no?"

"Yeah."

"And you're the one they assigned to take care of Akumako if something happens?"

"Yeah, and?"

"I need you to do something for me." Without waiting for a response, he continued, "I won't ask you to disobey orders, but I need you to promise me that you won't execute her if there's absolutely no other option."

"I don't get what you're asking," I said bluntly. "If she goes psycho, I kill her. That's it."

General Cross muttered something under his breath that sounded quite crude, then rephrased his request, "I'm saying don't kill her unless you don't have a choice. Try to help her, save her, before you resort to execution. If there's a chance to bring her back from the edge, I want you to promise that you'll take it."

"Why're you asking me to do that?"

The General's eye grew sad as he replied, "Akumako is a sweet, good girl. It's not her fault that she is what she is. She's tough, but she needs someone on her side to advocate for her, to help protect her when she needs it, and to save her should she wander too close to the dark side."

"Then you do it!" I refused, "I'm not interested in doing your job for you!"

"I can't. That's why I'm asking you. There's… restrictions, you could say, that make it impossible for me to keep Akumako safe like I want to. But you… It's already part of your job to keep an eye on her. Please, kid, I'm begging you."

I wanted to reject his plea and walk away. Killin the Freak was my job. Protecting her was none of my business. Yet, something in the way the General spoke tugged at me. General Cross had a reputation, and his behaviour regarding the Freak didn't match up. "Why are you so desperate to protect her?"

The General looked around, like he thought someone might be watching us. "I'll tell you, if you swear to never tell anyone else, especially Akumako."

"Fine."

I failed. The thought hurt. I failed. The clawing, burning feeling in my chest only got worse as it sunk in. If only I'd done something differently, maybe it wouldn't have gone this way. If I hadn't been so callous, would things be different? If I'd accepted the olive branch sooner, would anything change? If I'd just told her the truth, would she have been spared?

I should have told her. If no one else was going to, I should have. Even if it went against orders, she deserved to know. But whenever I considered it, I decided against it. 'It's best if she doesn't know,' I would tell myself, 'Everyone's better off.' What bullcrap.

I'm just a coward.

Seven Years Ago

It was my birthday. Actually, yesterday was my birthday. Today was the party I never wanted. But why exactly did the Order throw a birthday party a day late? Because there was a second birthday the next day. Rather than putting together two separate parties, they just had one on the day in between. And whose birthday was spliced with mine? Take a wild guess.

I actually didn't care about sharing my birthday with Akumako. I just hated the prospect of a party. I'm antisocial on my best day, and bordering on homicidal the rest of the time.

Over the last year, the way I saw Akumako had changed. Of course, I still couldn't stand being around her for more than a few minutes and I was just as cold as always, but she wasn't "Freak" to me anymore. I'm not sure what it was - maybe what General Cross told me - but now, she wasn't just an assignment, or the anathema I used to see. Somehow, she seemed more human.

Be that as it may, everyone else here was human and I didn't feel any compulsion to give them presents!

Of course, being me, I sat and sulked alone in the corner throughout the whole party, watching everyone else give Akumako gifts, like stupid little dolls and hair clips with sparkly bunnies on them. All stuff I knew she'd never touch again after today. Anyone with any common sense would know she wasn't interested that kind of thing.

I fiddled with the box tucked under my heavy coat, wanting to just give it to her and get it over with. For the fifth time, I grabbed it, intending to get up and hand it to Akumako, but yet again, I let go and settled back against the wall. Dammit, I silently cursed, Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. Just stand up, and give her the box. Easy. By the time everyone had dispersed to get back to work, I still hadn't moved from my corner. Now I was alone, swearing at myself for missing my shot.

I returned to my room and left the ungiven gift on the bedside table. To pass the time, I sat down to sharpen and clean Mugen. The task, ordinarily taking only fifteen minutes, took much longer than usual. I couldn't understand why I kept losing focus. Countless times, I caught myself sitting still just staring at the gleaming blade. I quickly finished and tried meditating instead, only to have my mind wander to places I didn't want it to go.

Maybe I should just go to bed, I thought. Deciding that was the best option, I took off my uniform and climbed under the covers. But I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't get comfortable. My eyes wouldn't stay closed. My mind wouldn't stop drifting back to Akumako and her present. No matter how many times I banished the thought, the picture came back, with me giving Akumako the box and her smiling. When she wasn't being a pest, she had a really nice smile.

I laid there, restlessly daydreaming, until the sky outside turned from black to grey. Tired, but unable to fall asleep, I got out of bed and got dressed for the day, planning to go straight to the cafeteria for breakfast then go train. As I was putting on my boots, the box on my nightstand once again caught my attention.

I grabbed the box and dashed out of the room. I walked down the hall to Akumako's door and raised my hand to knock, but I froze at the last second. I stood there for a few minutes, torn between my compulsion to give my present and the urge to flee. I groaned and returned to my room. I grabbed a scrap of paper and scrawled 'Akumako - Happy Birthday,' then tied it on with a cord. I returned to Akumako's door and left the box outside, once again cursing at myself as I walked away.

How gutless, I reflected on the uninvited memory, I've always been such a spineless coward when it comes to her! I couldn't even give her a damn birthday present! Still, the way she smiled… I remembered how excited Akumako was when she burst into the cafeteria with the box of caramels I'd left her, showing everyone the present from 'some mysterious stranger.' She was so happy. Would she have been that happy if she knew it was me? My eyes were begun to sting, surely from the cold. What would she think if she knew I was looking for her?

The burning in my legs and throat forced me to stop running. I leaned against a nearby tree and fished my waterskin out from under my coat. After drinking and letting the aching in my muscles dissipate, I continued down the road, slower than before, but calling for Akumako once again.

A older man driving a horse and cart appeared out of the fog ahead of me, then pulled to a stop. "What's got ye runnin' like that, lad?" the man asked me, "Ye look like ye' go' the Devil on your heels."

"I'm looking for someone," I replied quickly, "Have you seen a young woman with long red hair and blue eyes? She's been missing since yesterday."

"Red hair, you say? This is Ireland, laddie. There's quite a few young women about like that."

"Not that kind of red! It's crimson, like blood. And there's a star in her right eye."

"Why on Earth would a lass have a star in her eye?"

"Have you seen her or not?!" I snapped, "Her life could be at stake!"

"'fraid I haven't, lad. I'll keep an eye out for yer red-haired lassie, though. Good luck to ye." He snapped the reins and the cart squeaked back into motion, leaving me alone in the cold, grey gloom.

I had to find her. Not for the Order, not for General Cross, not for anyone else. It wasn't about them. What they wanted didn't matter anymore. I had to find her before she was lost forever.

Five Years Ago

"Well done on your mission, you two," Komui praised us, "You did a great job."

"It would've gone faster if you hadn't sent her with me," I grumbled, frustrated after having spent an entire uncomfortable week in the field dealing with Akumako's antics.

"Kanda, you know I can't send a child into the field alone. In a few years, once you have more experience, maybe, but it's not a risk I'm comfortable taking yet."

I scoffed in annoyance, "Whatever."

Komui started rambling about something, prompting me to zone out, though my mind snapped back to attention when he said, "Akumako, are you alright?"

She had been oddly quiet since we got back. I glanced at her, and she did look a bit ashen.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, "Just a bit tired. I think the week is just now catching up with me."

Komui looked her over. "If you say so. Why don't you go get some dinner then head to bed?"

"Yeah, turning in early sounds like a good idea," she agreed listlessly, "See you tomorrow, then." She tripped on her way out the door.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Komui turned to me. "I take it everything went smoothly with her, then?"

"Apart from being annoying as always, she was fine," I shrugged. "Nothing noteworthy." Several loud thuds caught my attention. "The hell was that?" I bolted out the door to find Akumako sprawled out at the base of the stairs outside the office. "Akumako!" I blurted, forgetting in a moment of panic to call her something else.

I knelt down, shaking her and calling her name a few times, but she didn't stir. I rolled her onto her side and touched her forehead, blazingly hot and disgustingly sticky. Once I looked at my hand, I realised she was bleeding. The colour matched that of her hair so well that I hadn't noticed it initially. I put pressure on the wound with my sleeve and searched my pockets for the roll of bandages I carried in case of an emergency.

Komui finally emerged from his office just as I finished wrapping her head. "Is everything al- oh dear…"

I cast him a sharp glare, irritated with his lack of urgency. "She's sick. I'm taking her to the infirmary." Without waiting for acknowledgement, I picked Akumako up and carried her away, careful to not jostle her too much, in case her tumble had hurt her worse than I could tell. She's really light, I thought, I thought she'd weigh more. Maybe it's because she's sick.

As soon as I walked into the infirmary with an unconscious, bleeding girl in my arms, the Head Nurse went into a tizzy, initially assuming I was the one who'd done the damage. Once I explained that she had a fever and had fallen down the stairs, she calmed down and stopped scolding me. She took Akumako from me and got her set up in a bed. I silently watched the Head Nurse treat Akumako's head injury and check for anything I may have missed, which fortunately, only amounted to some bruises and scrapes. The older woman cleaned her up and tucked her in with a cold compress on her forehead. Once she was done, I asked the Nurse, "Will she be okay?"

"Most likely, so long as we can keep her temperature down."

I nodded absently. "Good. Good." I wasn't sure what to do. Stay? Leave? The Head Nurse seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.

"You can stay for a little while if you want, so long as you don't cause a ruckus."

I wound up sitting next to Akumako's bed nearly all day for the next week, waiting for her to wake up. There wasn't any real reason why. I really only left to get my meals or when I was forced out to go to bed. When I was away, I would feel uneasy, and found myself inevitably drawn back to the ward, usually with a book or bowl of miso in my hands for Akumako. If the Nurse was busy, I'd feed her, and then I'd read to her quietly. Sometimes, I'd just look at her. In spite of everything, she looked peaceful. I wondered what she was dreaming about, or if she was dreaming about anything at all.

What would she think if she opened her eyes and saw me sitting here? I wondered, What would she think if she could read my mind? Recently, I'd come to accept something that completely changed things for me. Part of me wanted to find out how she would react if I told her, but the more sensible side of me was content with imagining.

"You perplex me, you know?" I said quietly when it was just the two of us, "You're so annoying and sometimes I want to stab you, but… I kinda like it. The things you do, I mean. Your stupid antics, the way we interact… You remind me of Alma. You're a lot like him in some ways, but at the same time, you're totally different. I think that's part of why I was always so angry when I looked at you. But now… I feel better when I'm with you, even when you're being a pest. I just like being around you. You're something special." I went silent for a minute, hoping nobody heard my rambling. "You don't know this, but I'm supposed to watch you, just in case you turn into something bad. And General Cross came to me a few years ago asking me to protect you and keep you safe, and try to save you if it looks like it's happening. I'm gonna do just that, but not because I was told to. Do you wanna know why?" She didn't stir. I moved over so I was sitting next to her on the bed, and I bent over to touch me forehead to hers. "I'm gonna protect you because I don't want to lose you. Not ever, Akumako." I brushed her cheek with my thumb and whispered, "I love you."

"The Black Order are the ones who murdered your family!"

Just ask she was about to take my hand, Akumako withdrew, shock and hurt etched on her face. "No, that's not true," she denied, "It's not, is it, Kanda?"

"Of course not!" I shouted, desperate to get out of this place together, "That's insane! Come on, let's get out of here." I reached out to grab her hand and pull her through the door, but I couldn't touch her. My hand went right through her.

"I won't let you touch her, Exorcist!" the blue-haired brat shouted at me. "Look, Akumako! Look what they made you forget!" The girl pointed at a scene she conjured.

We both watched as a beautiful woman hid a tiny, crying Akumako. The cries of akuma and loud blasts of cannons and gunfire filled the air. "Don't worry, Akumako," the woman comforted the child, "The fighting will stop soon. We'll keep you safe."

"You promise, Mama?"

"I promise."

The woman walked away to guard the door. Akumako's crying got louder as the clamor outside got closer. "I don't like this, Mama! I wanna go home!" she sobbed as another akuma gave its death rattle.

"We will, Koko. Don't worry. Just try to stay quiet." Akumako did her best to silence her bawling, but she didn't do very well.

After one last gunshot, everything went silent. "What's happening, Mama?" Her mother didn't say anything. "Mama?" With a loud bang, a massive hole appeared in the door and dark blood sprayed across the floor. "Mama?!"

"Be quiet!" Her mother hissed just before the door was kicked in. Akumako squeezed her eyes shut and covered her ears. Akumako's mother looked at the intruder and said, unfazed, "So it's you."

General Cross pointed his gun at Akumako's mother. "Shiori. I wish this was a happy reunion."

"Spare the sweet talk and just get this over with."

"First tell me where she is."

"Who?"

"My daughter, Shiori. Where is she?"

"Why would I tell you? You'll just kill her, won't you?"

General Cross cocked his gun. "What kind of monster do you take for? Tell me where she is."

"Just shoot me, Marian. Find her yourself." The end of Cross's gun touched the woman's forehead and she smiled, "She's got lovely red hair, just like you." Bang!

"MAMA!" Akumako screamed, drawing the General's attention, "Help me! I'm scared! Mama! Mama!" He walked over toward the source of the shrieking and found the little girl. He knelt down and started comforting her, wiping away her tears with a handkerchief. "Hey there, little one, it's okay. The monsters are gone now. Let's have a look at you." He pushed her hood down and touched her hair, deep red, just like her mother had said. "You're a pretty one. You'll grow up to be a real beauty, I think. Just like your mother. Come on," he said and picked her up, "I'll be looking after you from now on. My name is General Marian Cross. What's your name, little one?"

"Akumako."

"STOP IT!" the real Akumako screamed and the scene evaporated. She was on her knees, sobbing, "That can't be real! It has to be a lie! Please, tell me it's a lie, Kanda!"

I was absolutely dumbstruck. What could I say?

"Kanda, please!"

"I… I don't-"

"He can't say it because it's true. The Order had your mother and all the rest murdered and took you away from those that were left, all so they could have a shiny new weapon."

"Did you know, Kanda?" She gave me a pleading look, her eyes filled with agony, "Please tell me you didn't."

"No!" I finally managed to blurt, "I only knew what Cross told me, and he didn't say anything about-"

"That's what he made you promise not to tell me, isn't it?" she interjected, pain turning into anger, "That he murdered my mother?"

"No! I didn't know anything about that!" I denied, "He just told me that he was your father! He never said anything about your mother!"

"Why should I believe that?" The brat perched on the other door started grinning. I realised too late that we'd walked right into her web.

"Akumako, you know me! I wouldn't lie to you!" I tried to reason with her, "That brat is trying to trick you! This is what she wants!"

"Trick me into what? Realising that the Order has been deceiving me my whole life, not just about what I am, but about what they did to get me? And about my own damned parentage? I couldn't even know that?!"

"Please, Akumako, just come back and we can work this out!"

"No!" she shouted, and I stumbled back as though I'd been shoved, "I won't go back to being a slave of the Black Order ever again!"

"Don't do this!" I yelled back as I was flung unwillingly through the door, "Akumako!"

I finally collapsed to my knees. I couldn't run anymore. I couldn't shout. I couldn't keep searching. It wasn't just because of exhaustion. For the first time in nearly a decade, I was on the verge of breaking down. I'd failed. The Order, General Cross, Akumako, myself, everyone. "I failed," my voice broke, "I failed." I repeated it over and over as everything sunk in. "Forgive me," I whispered as the first tears fell into the dirt. "Forgive me. Forgive me."

It hurt. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was being crushed. I might've asked someone to stab me if would make this feeling go away, this horrible emptiness that came with knowing I might never see Akumako again, I'd never hear her tease me, or see her impish grin or that sweet smile when she got my birthday presents. It was excruciating knowing that now, she was to be considered the enemy, and ally of the Millennium Earl, and I may one day have to fight against her. It killed me.

I'd lost her.