A/N: Back into the mind of Sirius. Enjoy.
I slowly bring my hand up to my face and touch the spot where he licked me. The air is thick with tension. His eyes are wide with shock.
"Sirius, I…" I don't let him finish. I press on brief kiss on his lips. I pull back slightly, but I don't go far. I'm still lingering close to him. It's his move. I hear him whisper, "Shit," before I am pulled into a searing kiss. He pushes me down on the bed. Everything is so much more than I imagined. The feel of him, all of him, pressed against me. His kisses. Hot and passionate and violent.
His lips leave mine only to travel along my jaw line to my neck. He slips his hands under my shirt. He pulls it off and carelessly throws it off the bed. His kisses are slower, each one becoming more and more drawn out as he travels down my torso.
I'm breathing heavily, but I can't seem to get enough breath in my body. His kisses are getting lower, and while my body definitely wants this, I don't know if either of us is ready. I let out a groan as I pull him back up and crash my lips against his. His hands tangle in my hair as I bit his lower lip.
Suddenly he jerks up and rolls off me. He turns his back to me and places his feet on the floor. I'm panting and aching and confused. I can see the tension in his back. I'm not really sure what just happened.
"How could I be so stupid?" I know Remus is not really asking me anything, so I don't respond. Instead I slowly sit up and retrieve my shirt. As I'm putting it back on, he turns to look at me.
"I'm sorry Sirius. You shouldn't have to go through this. It's all my fault for not thinking everything through."
He stands and goes to the pile of books on the floor near his bed, searching through them. He tosses a few aside. I can see him getting irritated that he can't find what he's looking for.
"Remus, what's going on?" I demand. I'm angry at him.
"You don't get it do you, Sirius? The reason you're feeling the way you do!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
He doesn't answer me. Instead he flings a few books to the side before frantically searching through another. I hear him mumbling to himself, "How could I not see this?"
I step towards him. "Remus," I plead, "What's going on?"
He looks at me, and I see the glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. I take another step closer and he backs up.
"Remus, don't"
"Did you know I haven't had to, to…you know," he glances down, "since I was fourteen? I could always find someone to do it for me?"
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I always found it so easy to find someone to be with me."
"Remus, just tell me what's going on!"
He flips through a few more pages before finally stopping. He still doesn't talk. Instead he hands the book over to me. I stare at the tiny print, but the language is archaic and vague. I make out something about bonding and links and markings, but none of it makes any sense.
Finally, I toss the book to the floor.
"Remus, this has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm feeling for you. What I have been feeling for you."
He shakes his head as I finish.
"You don't get it do you?"
"Then why don't you just fucking explain it already?"
"You think you want me because of a spell. That's all. A fucking spell. You, her, the only reason you want anything to do with me is because of this fucking mark on my back."
"That's…that's not true."
He lets out a derisive laugh, takes the book from my hands and tosses it to the floor.
"Sirius, have you ever felt like this about another guy? Ever?"
I shake my head.
"I didn't think so." We stand in an awkward silence.
"Remus?"
"What?" I flinch at the repressed anger in his voice.
"We'll figure this out."
He looks me right in the eye, and his expression softens to one of gratitude.
"You…you're not angry?"
"Not at you. I'm angry at whoever did this to you."
He nods and picks the book back up.
"I'm going to the library. Maybe I can figure this out."
"I'll go with."
"Sirius, you hate the library."
"I do. But we need answers. Someone decided they can own you, and I can't stand that. And that's me talking."
"Thanks."
We walk to the library in silence. It's not awkward or uncomfortable, but there is definitely a strain. I keep telling myself over and over again that the pounding in my chest is just a spell, but it feels real. I simply can't imagine not feeling this way. And maybe that's the spell talking.
I really do hate the library.
After three hours, I'm covered in dust and sneezing uncontrollably. I haven't found anything. It doesn't help that I can't keep from looking at Remus every five minutes. He chews on his bottom lip when he's really concentrating.
I tear my eyes away and sigh before picking up another book. Remus found them all, and I'm to help go through them. I barely even know what I'm looking for, but I can't leave him, not now.
I begin to scan. This one is even more dry than the last.
Oh look, pictures.
Pictures are always a good thing. I take a closer look, and can't believe my eyes. I'm staring at a drawn replica of the exact mark on Remus's back. I open my mouth to call Remus over. The air gets stuck in my throat as I read the paragraph below the drawing.
"Fuck."
Remus hears my mumbled expletive. I hear his chair scraping back against the floor. I don't want him to see this, but he needs to.
He leans over my shoulder. I feel his warmth seep into my own body. I fight the urge to lean into him. I close my eyes as he reads where my finger is pointing.
He starts breathing heavy, scared hesitant intakes of air.
"No. No that's…that couldn't be it."
"Remus." He's turned from me. "Moony."
"Sirius. This is just too sick. Who the fuck would do something like that?"
I don't know Remus. I don't know."
As I gather him in my arms I realize I do know. Only a sick bastard would place a binding spell on a child. The mark on his back, the shape and color of it, tells all. When Remus was only a boy, someone wanted to own him, body and soul.
A/N: I update faster when inspired. Inspiration comes from reviews!!!! No really, tell me what you think!