A/n: look an update! I'm getting better updating more, I swear!

CHAPTER nine
- Cas –

It wasn't difficult to steer clear of Isaac for a while, except for the two classes we had together. Even then I managed it, Isaac being away and all.

I ignored the niggling feeling in my stomach that told me it was different from when he usually skipped classes.

Bela would be both relieved and pissed if she knew, but there was no way I was about to tell her. She would either hit me for not hanging out with someone as damn fine as Isaac – her words- or get it into her head to be superior about it. Worse yet, she more than likely would have asked why.
That was half of the risk. Isaac had never dishonest about who he was or what he did, and that brutal honesty is one of the reasons I could stand to be around him at all. Still, it was the last trait I wanted him to have if Bela ever asked it of him.
Still, Isaac had the good cigarettes; the unfortunate side effect of cutting myself off from him. Which my fingers were itching for right then.
The classroom door opened quickly, cutting off the conversations echoing around the small space. Jo and Bela hopped off their spot on my table to take up the seat in front of me, Kaz and ash behind me. Yet again, the spot beside me remained vacant. Isaac wasn't coming to English it seemed.
The smallest of smiles spread onto my face as Miss Barnes walked into the room, the English teacher looking flustered as she piled up textbooks onto her desk. Miss Barnes was by far my favourite teacher at Handover, knowing me better than my guidance counsellor probably did. She encouraged my art and interests - as well as being a total bad influence - but unfortunately had a talent for intuiting when I was having problems.

It also may have been the fact she started dating Balthazar only about 6 months ago. I smiled briefly as she took her seat, her eyes narrowing in worry slightly.
Yep, still had that damn talent.
"I trust everyone did their reading assignments? That means you won't mind a little quiz."
A chorus of groans erupted as Miss Barnes handed out sheets of papers, the jocks glaring behind her back. The jocks may have a crush on the young English teacher but that didn't mean they liked English any more than they used to.
The door slammed open quickly, dean coming through quickly.
"Uh…Sorry," he mumbled, all eyes on him. "I was...i mean i...I'm sorry I'm late."
The jocks chuckled and murmured amongst themselves, Ms Barnes shooting them a quick look before turning back to dean. "Find a seat then"
I ducked my head quickly, realising the jocks were yet to free a seat for their fearless leader, leaving the only seat that was open next to me. I ducked my head, trying to make myself less conspicuous as I began to answer the test. I ignored the quick glance dean sent me as he sat down.
It didn't take long to finish the quiz and I tugged my sketchbook from my bag, not risking dean seeing the pictures as I turned to my last drawing. The wolf had its head thrown back into an ear-splitting howl, the background non-existent for the time being. It was half finished, the shading still sketchy and needing improvement but it had been a long time since I had any real inspiration, instead making myself draw things that weren't Dean fucking Winchester.

I tried to ignore the feel of dean's eyes on me the entire time.
"Castiel." A finger tapped on my sketch book, catching my attention. I looked up at Miss Barnes quickly with a blush. "Quiz is over. Your paper?"
"Sorry." I mumbled, still feeling the heat in my cheeks and she smiled, patting my hair.
"Just pay attention."
I zoned out after that, having already read and finished the whole novel we were covering. I liked to skip ahead and Ms Barnes knew that. Partly the only reason she smirked when she caught me staring out the window each lesson. Over the clamour as the bell rang, I could hear her voice call out to finish reading the next act – one I had read weeks ago – before she waved me over. "Castiel? May I see you for a moment?"
I grabbed my backpack quickly, leaning against her desk as the class forwarded out. I could see dean hesitate as he made his way to the door, Jo walking behind him and pushing him forward each time he seemed to slow. His eyes caught mine at the door and I dropped my gaze to floor. I ignored the look on Miss Barnes' face as she stood in front of me, watching quietly.
"I see some things have changed since our last talk." She looked at me curiously.
"If you mean Winchester has currently got even more bipolar, then I yes I totally agree." I sighed, pulling my hidden packet of smokes from my pocket. She glared disapprovingly and I returned them to my pocket with a sigh.
"Balthazar told me about your apparent 'need' for those Cas but how much worse is it getting?"
"It's nothing, just…" I pause, biting the inside of my cheek. "…stress."
"Dean stress?" she pressed, sitting up on her desk beside me. "I know it's hard being the only gay boy in the school Cas and I know your past friendship with dean is a hard thing to deal with but that doesn't mean you should take that in destructive ways."
"I wouldn't call it destructive." I faked a smirk, placing my pencil behind my ear. My smirk vanished as she looked at me with that no-bullshit glare. "Pamela, can I ask you something?"
"Only if you don't call me by my first name in class" she smiled softly, squeezing my shoulder for a moment. "What is it Cas?"
"Deans…well, he's being dean again. He's not being Winchester." I said quickly, fumbling over my words.
"Okay, I'm young and all that but that doesn't mean I'm Balthazar. I can't read your mind like he can." She laughed quietly. "Again, this time explain."
"In my head I kinda have different versions of him, you know? Like he became two people" I began to explain, clasping my hands in my lap. I couldn't look up at her just yet. "I mean, there's Winchester. He's the bully, the hockey jock. The one that everyone knows."
"The jerk." Pamela added and I smiled widely.
"Exactly."
"And what about the other person?" She pressed.
I sighed deeply. "Well, then there's dean, my old best friend. The smartass but you know, he was good and kind and all the bullshit-"
"Language" she cut in.
"All the stuff" I tried again, smiling slightly. "That no one sees anymore. I mean, Kaz, Sam and Jo do but they're his family basically."
Pamela paused for a moment, shifting on the spot. "So what's going on that causing all this new…stress?"
"You mean besides me being an idiot?" I groaned, letting my head fall in my hands. "Things are so messed up. He's changing between 'Winchester' and 'dean' faster than Meg changes her sex partners and that's saying something….no offence… and I can't talk about this with anyone. Like I said, Jo and Kaz are his family and you know Bela. She would kill me."
"Well, what about Balthazar?"
"Balthazar's my brother." I shrugged, gesturing briefly to her. "I mean, he's got you, he's got work, and he's got this whole life with its own problems. He doesn't need my problems stuck on top of that. You don't need my problems but for some reason you still ask and put up with me."
I lifted my head out of my hands long enough to pull my sketchbook from my bag and hand it over to her. "This is my recent book. The last 3 months tops."
She flicked through it quickly, although it felt like ages before she finally closed it, passing the book back over to me. "You have a remarkable talent castiel."
My head snapped up. "What?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Ask why I have drawn over 80 precent dean? Say that I'm insane? Beat me to death with a textbook? Anything like that is honestly fine with me" I said quickly, holding the sketchbook in my hands tighter.
"Well killing you would be counterproductive, the singer family and I love you... Plus you're acing this class; I'm not killing my top student." Pamela smirked before she shook her head sighing. "Seriously, Cas. I know it's hard and it's confusing but sometimes you can't help how you feel about some people. If it's because you see the real side of him, fantastic. If you see that fake side, then it sucks. Know this though, the strongest feelings, no matter how repressed and horrible and scary they may be…they are usually the real ones."
"I'm going to get my head thumped in if he ever knew about this." I whispered.
"So he won't" Pamela shrugged. "It's not like I'm going to tell anyone. Not even Balthazar if you don't want me to."
"Thanks Miss" I smiled slightly.
"Just…one day…maybe you could try telling him how you feel?" she tried, shaking her head when she saw my look. "Never mind, just remember to protect your heart, Cas."
"I will, miss. Always have." I smiled.
All but once…
"I might as well be a good teacher and ask if you're keeping up with your studies?"
I flashed a grin. "I find time in between my myriad social engagements."
"Still having difficulty getting along with people?"
"It's more finding people crazy enough to befriend the school queer or people that I can stand." I said truthfully and shrugged.
"Stay out of trouble, Cas." She warned.
I smirked wider, deliberately avoiding the subject. "I'll see you at dinner miss."

Isaac wasn't on the roof by the time i got there and i once again that day I ignored the sinking feeling in my stomach that told me something was wrong as I took a slow drag of the cigarette, relishing the curl of smoke over my tongue. The ritual of it was somehow soothing and it wasn't too long before I was laid out on the roof, my anxieties mellowed into inconsequential things that sloshed like honey at the far back of my mind.
I sat up with a small smile, it fading as I saw the sea of yellow and blue jackets and broad shoulders having lunch on the quad. Right there, smack dab in the middle of it was dean fucking Winchester. He was laughing slightly, reaching over to punch one of his friends in the arm. I pretended not to notice the absence of his letterman jacket.
I took another long drag, head ducked down. The world was so much easier to deal with when dean Winchester didn't exist.
Or at least, when I could get away with pretending that dean didn't exist.
I jumped as large hand slammed down on my shoulder, spinning around so fast I had almost slipped off the roof if it hadn't been for bens strong grip.
Ben Braden was exactly like his sister; tall, brunette, pretty, popular.
You know, the normal cliché.
Weird thing was, Ben was actually a decent, smart guy.
I swore when I saw the small hall monitor badge on his shirt and the pink slip in his hand. Principles call. Ben leaned forward, taking a slight sniff before he sighed heavily. "Smoking again, castiel? Really?"
"Slander!" I pretended to gasp, putting a hand over my heart but I didn't bother protesting as he started to pat down my shirt. "You know, Ben, I've always admired your unflappable moral compass, but I'm going to be late for class if you do not unhand me this instant and — oh, where did that come from?"
Ben held the roll of unlit evil paper at a delicate distance between his fingers, giving me a small disappointed look.
"I thought you'd be smart enough to give these up." Ben said quietly.
"And I thought I was smart enough to not get called to the principal's office." I smirked. "Seems we are both wrong"
"you got a visitor, castiel. Let's keep the cigarette part out of it for both our sakes, alright?" Ben rolled his eyes, gesturing for me to jump down from the roof.
On solid ground, I smiled at him, giving him a small salute. "Can do. Although I think people will assume as I follow like a puppy to the office."
Ben rolled his eyes again, giving me a little tug on the sleeve and he slammed the cigarettes and a small can of AXE from his pocket. The look he gave me stopped the caring-about-me comment in my throat but it didn't stop the smirk on my face. Unsurprisingly, a few students gaped and pointed as we passed. I could see Bela and Kaz look horrified as we passed them at one point. I winked as I caught their eye, Kaz' look turning merely irritated after that whereas Bela looked like she was about to kill me.
When I arrived at the office, Isaac was there in his normal band tee and torn jeans and my eyes went to Ben who just shrugged before walking away.
For the first time Isaac looked nothing like himself, his already messy hair a total wreak with dark black circles under his eyes as If he'd been awake all night. His frame stiffened when he caught sight of me, Isaac hesitating before he started to walk over to my side.
"I'm so sorry" were the first words to tumble from his mouth, cutting off whatever I had been planning on saying. Now my frame stiffened. Isaac didn't apologise. Ever. He did what he did and never had regrets.
"w-what?" I managed to stutter out.
Isaac looked up from the ground with guilty eyes, dropping his gaze back to the floor as soon as he met my eyes. "I'm sorry castiel."
I felt my heart clench. Isaac never called me by my name. "Isaac what have you done?"
"I had to do something. Luc came to me, offering money. As much as I wanted- within reason. He wanted you and dean to stay away from each other but god knows neither of you listen to anyone when you put your mind to something. Not to mention the two of you are like fucking gravity. The more you two pull away the more you're shoved together." Isaac rambled. "He asked me to do it. It was the one thing he knew would really affect you. I didn't want to, I promise! But I knew if I didn't Luc would think of something worse and i-"
"Isaac!" I snapped, shutting him up. Already I could feel myself shaking. "What did you do?"
Isaac met my eyes finally and my breath caught in my throat.
No...
From the look that skidded onto Isaac's face, he knew what I was thinking but by the look he shot me, I knew I was right. The room felt too small, the office space making my heart and head pound, my breathing becoming heavier. No, not him.
" I have to go. " i somehow managed, ignoring the look of guilt and apology from Isaac as I spun only to run head first into what felt like a brick wall.

I looked up slowly, my heart giving a painful squeeze as my eyes locked with the all too familiar honey ones.

"Hey Cas, you miss me...?"

- Dean -

I winced as I felt the hard ice, my helmet not helping the impact any and I could feel my control on my anger slipping. I knew it wouldn't be very long til I snapped. I knew what they're doing though; they wanted to break me. Being a Winchester – and much like Sam to be honest– I was too stubborn to give in. I pushed myself to my feet, ignoring the sharp pain in my side as I took off again, eyes on the puck.
Something collided with my side and once again I slammed into the plastic wall, falling back face first into the ice but not before I feel the strong elbow jab in my ribs twice.
Fucking son of a bitch… I hissed, pulling myself off the cold floor again, pushing the guy into the wall as I continued to skate.
The blows kept coming and I knew hockey was an aggressive sport –hell, that's why I was so good at it - but this wasn't hockey anymore.
"Cool it, dell or you're getting the bench! I mean it!" Coach yelled, Luc matching his glare as he pushed past me, shouldering me roughly. Coach's eyes narrowed on Luc but turned his gaze to me. "Take a break, Winchester"
"I'm fine Rufus" I hissed out, Coach looking at me as if he wanted to say more, sighing as he waved me to continue, still looking doubtful. He knew how hard headed I was when I wanted to be.
Luc landed another hit into my side not too long later and my jaw clenched as I stood yet again. I knew something might have been fractured at the least if not broken. Not that I was going to say anything.
"That's enough, Dell! One more cheap shot and you won't see the ice for the rest of the season!" Coach yelled again fist tightening around the gate of the rink.
"It's alright coach, he can handle it, can't you dean?" Luc smiled as he looked at me but even i could see the hatred beneath that smile and words. "You're a man right? Cause hockey's a man's sport"
"What, you think i can't handle a little shove?" i said, meeting luc's glare with a smirk. "Come on, Luc. We've been friends for a long time. You know better than that. Let's stop this figure skating shit and play some real hockey."
Luc's eyes narrowed and my taunting voice and my lips turned into a malicious grin as i tried to concentrate on anything except the pain in my ribs – almost every part of me screamed in pain. Truthfully, i prayed that coach would actually sit him down for the season, not that i was about to wuss out and admit that so i braced myself as Luc took the bait.
Here we go...
I skated past Luc but it wasn't long before I was slammed back against the wall again and I welcomed the pain. I was confused as hell – that's an understatement – but I laughed at the fact Luc thought I couldn't handle a few shoves and cheap shots. I elbowed Luc back as he pushed me into the wall and I could hear him wince slightly.
"Enough! Take a break everybody!" Coach sighed loudly, rubbing his face before heading towards the locker rooms with the rest of the team.
I came off the ice quickly, taking an empty seat in the stands and began to take off my gloves and gear, shoving my helmet into the bag beside me.
"Tired, you fucking asshole?" Luc growled over his shoulder and I lifted my head, catching him still on the ice, leaning against the wall in front of me.
"Fuck you, Luc!" I hissed, not moving from my spot. "What the fuck is your problem? Why the hell are you avoiding me? Why won't you just talk to me, bro?"
"I don't talk with liars and shit like you" he snapped back quietly, glare zoned in on me.
"Bro, I have no idea-"
"Don't call me bro! I can't be your fucking bro! Not with a fucking queer!" he yelled, cutting me off. His hands were balled into fist by his side now. "I heard you and meg. You're a fucking homo, Winchester!"
My blood ran cold for a split second, eyes widened as I looked at luc.
"You don't get it, man!" he snapped "if this gets out, we're gonna be taking a bunch of heat because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden! Novak turned you into a stupid fucking faggot just like him!"
My eyes turned deadly now and I could feel my fist clench, blood boiling. Somehow my voice had stayed level and before I knew it, I was back on the ice in front of him. "What did you say?"
"You heard me. Just. Like. Novak." he growled.
"That's it!" I yelled before my fist hit him squarely in the jaw, tackling him down onto the ice. Luc reacted quickly, balling fists full of my shirt and slammed a fist into my face. I hit in the side of the face again and before long, it was a blood bath on the ice. My lip was busted and I could feel the broken skin underneath my right eye being to ache but I smiled, knowing Luc would come out of this looking almost as bad as I did.
"Don't call him that!" I growled, hitting Luc again with each word, narrowly dodging the elbow that came at my face.
"Sticking up for your girlfriend, how fucking cute" Luc snapped back and my head spun as he managed a punch to my jaw. I shook it off quickly.
"Maybe you should be sticking up for him. He's. Your. Brother!" I yelled, sending a punch to Luc's ribs at each of my last 3 words.
"That fag is not my brother!" he yelled, his punches becoming harder.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Coach's voice screamed, filling the rink as he came to my side, yanking Luc and I apart. Luc glared at me, his fingers lightly touching the bloody and broken nose in his hand. I smirked widely, despite the swollen eye I could feel coming on. I could only imagine the two of us looked like a jigsaw with a couple of piece gone but for some reason, I felt good. Mentally of course, physically I felt like shit.
"What the hell is going on with you two?" Coach snapped, holding us apart and I winced as I felt his grip on my shoulder tightened to make sure I didn't move. "You two are best friends!"
"Yeah, were." Luc corrected acidly, turning a glare to me which I copied, neither of us watching as Coach rolled his eyes. "Screw this I'm out of here."
"Whatever" I growled, yanking out of coach's grasp as I made my way off the rink and I had to admit I was kind of relieved as I enter the locker room, smiling at the vast silence. Empty. Perfect. I took my jersey and undershirts off slowly, wincing at the movement. I ran a quick hand down my side and torso as I looked at the bruises already forming, purple black and yellows mixed together. Nothing too bad, I knew it could have been worse. I sighed to myself, thumping a bandaged hand onto my locker.
Fuck my life ...

Since the start of high school; there were always 3 things I was sure of.
1, Sammy was a logical and reasonable nerd
2; Kaz was the most no violent person I knew
3; Luc was my best friend at Handover.
You know I was getting really sick of suddenly getting that wrong.

"What the fuck did you do?"
Dazed, I sat up, my hand rubbing the back of my head. Sam was standing above me, his face murderous before he dropped down to sit on my chest as he slammed another fist into my face.
Logical, reasonable nerd Sammy. Oh where had you gone?
"What the fuck? Is there some mass text about bashing the shit out of me today?" I growled
"there should be!" Sam snapped, trying to hit me again.
"For god's sake. Sam get off me!" I swore, half swatting his hands away and half trying to hit him back. "I haven't done anything!"
"Like hell you haven't." Sam growled, pushing me as he stood up. "Dean, you're my brother and I love you but I have never been this angry with you. Ever. And that's saying a lot."
I shook my head, lifting myself off the floor. I purposely ignore the death glare from Kaz curled up at the top of the stairs. "I have no idea what the hell you are talking about. I got in a fight with Luc. Big deal. You two never liked him anyway."
"We like Cas!" Kaz snapped, standing up and Sam's posture stiffened as both their glares narrowed on me.
"What? Cas? I haven't done anything to Cas!" I said quickly, eyes darting from my brother to my sister.
What on earth had I missed?
"What did you think you were gonna get dean?" Sam glared although the venom in his voice was lessening slightly. "You pushed Luc somehow. And here's the problem ... Luc pushed back."
I rolled my eyes, the effect lessened by the swollen eye I was sporting from luc and my fight. "Sammy, if you don't speak English-"
"he paid Isaac to keep you and Cas away for each other." Kaz screamed, unconsciously taking a few angry steps down the stairs. "Luc did it the only way he could be sure would work."
The anger in my sister's eyes; the blind anger. I had never been afraid of my sister in my life but the look she was sending was making me feel like I should have died on the spot.
"Kaz, I'm sorry but I-"
Sam pushed my shoulder, capturing my attention as well as letting Kaz try and settle down. You knew you were a piece of shit when your own siblings couldn't look at you.
"God dammit dean" Sam breathed. "Gabriel's back."
I was out the door before Kaz and Sam could say another word.

In all honesty my feet didn't actually take me where I was expecting, my brows furrowing as I stood in front of the crappy apartment block Isaac had somehow decided to call home instead of the all too familiar Singer bar. Not that I didn't have an idea of what my ideal dream scenario would turn out like.
I jogged up the 6 flights of stairs as quickly as I could, ignoring the broken lift - and if it wasn't it really should have been looking at it.
The front door of the apartment was broken too, the boot hole in the wood not helping the twists in my stomach. I debated just leaving, but if there was one thing Dean Winchester didn't do, it was pussy out. I knocked quickly, shoving my hands in my pocket before I could chicken out. I could hear him swear, the sound of scuffling beyond the door just seconds later. I tapped my foot impatiently, straightening when I heard the chain slide off the door.
Isaac was on his ass the second it opened.
The normal, snarky part of me commented that Isaac looked a lot worse than I remembered. And I wasn't too partially kind in those memories either.
Dressed in a pair of ratty grey drawstring sleep pants, Isaac glared as he pulled himself back up to his feet. I had to admit, he was a good looking dude, if I was into that sort of thing.

Which I wasn't.

But I could see his appeal to Cas. Not that I had to like it.
"Not that I mind our little brawls dean." Isaac snapped. "But I'm really not in the fucking mood."
"You're supposed to be taking care of him." I snarled, pushing Isaac's shoulders roughly.
"And you're supposed to not give a shit," Isaac snapped back, tipping back the remaining whiskey in the glass on the kitchen bench beside him. "Neither of us is really what we're supposed to be."
I glared at him, shoving my hand deep into my jean pockets. "You hurt Cas-"
"I want castiel." Isaac interrupted his face almost entirely blank. I couldn't help the small unconscious step back, Isaacs's admission making me feel pretty freaking exposed and a whole bunch of emotions I couldn't explain. My hand went up to the wing necklace around my neck unconsciously.
Isaac snorted at the gesture.
"Take care of him...or stay away from him," I snapped quietly, half running out of Isaac's apartment, glare pasted onto my face.
Some would've called it running away.
They would've been correct.

I drove my boots into the wet grass, my hands shoved into my pockets as I walked towards the old hall, my head down and once again covered by my hoodie. I still didn't know why i was even bothered to come all. As soon as I saw Cas, I knew he'd run or yell at me. Or the even more likely, try and punch me. But i wanted to take that risk. As much as i lied before, i was beginning to miss Cas and my friendship the more and more i remembered and if anything I needed to talk to him. About what, I still wasn't sure though.
I shuffled my feet on the mat as i entered, moving along the shadows on the back wall. Cas wouldn't see me and i was counting on myself control to wait until he was done before i approached him outside. A small snarl tugged on my lips as the next person took to the stage, his black hair messy as always. Isaac smiled widely as he started the song and my eyes followed as Castiel came from behind the curtain, guitar in hands as he came to Isaac's side. Talk about a perfect combination. The guy i loathed and the guy i bullied singing the song i had hated since i started high school when i lost my pathetic excuse for a father.
Remembering my dad, my frame stiffened and i felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stay, not even for the chance to talk to Castiel civilly without being judged. Then again with Isaac around i didn't think that was an option now.
I ignored the little voice in the back of my head, telling me that i was running away from my past again, from a fucking song and the memories i brought. I wasn't that scared little boy anymore.
But you are...
I ignored my thoughts, planting myself to the spot with my jaw clenched. After the last 5 years, i was sure i was fine without my father. That i didn't feel anything from his absence. The white hot anger in my gut told me different.
The thirteen year old scrawny kid didn't think much of walking around the snow filled streets back then. Mum had taken the girls and i was supposed to be at Conner's but my friend had passed out and i couldn't help myself as i slipped on the parker, taking to the streets.
I had found my dad, watching as he sat the piano of his new house with a smile that beat any i had seen on his face. It was my worst memory. I didn't question it as i stood my ground, feeling like some dirty spot as i watched him in the marble and glass house. Perfect.
Beside him i could see Caleb, one of my father's friends, a man I thought to be too beautiful at the time. My brow furrowed as i watched him wrap his arms around my dad's neck or the fact didn't say anything as he laughed softly. Dad had pulled Caleb onto his lap and kept singing as he continued to play, fingers flying across piano keys and Caleb had shaken his head, smiling playfully.
Even now i could remember how my stomach had sunk, my frame shaking. It wasn't real; he didn't even do that with my mum. I remember asking myself how he could just let this...guy touch him.
I lost my breath as my dad reached up, calloused hands cupping Caleb's cheek as he pressed their lips together. I could feel my world fall apart and i spun around, running as fast to Connor's as fast as i could, never looking back. But it was burned into my brain, along with that sharp pain in my chest at the memory of my father.
I shook my head, bringing myself out of my thoughts and absent minded rubbed my chest, my heart thumping roughly under my palm. It still hurt.
"Oh my god.." i tore my eyes away from Castiel and the stage, the voice filled with dread and disbelief, even for a whisper as i spun around quickly, shocked. My eyes burned at the sight of the man beside me, his blue eyes on me. The years had barely changed him at all. He was still the pale slight build i had seen, his hair cropped short and his face barely looked marked by the ages of life.
He looked flawless.
I wanted to break it. My fingers clenched in my pockets.
"Oh my god..." he took a careful step forward. "Dean? Is that really you? W-What are you doing here? Does your father know you're here?"
The feelings of hurt and helplessness i had moments before shattered, all of my hatred threatening to explode. I shifted on the spot before i pushed past Caleb roughly, my shoulder hitting his as i ran out of the old hall. If i stayed i knew i would do something i regretted. My breathing began to calm as i came to the parking lot, my truck parked just in front of me, but my erratic heart didn't change.
"Dean, wait! Please"
I spun around, pressing my back to my truck as i glared and pointed a finger accusingly at Caleb. "You stay away from me, you hear?"
He didn't listen, taking a step forward to place a hand on my arm. "Dean, please..."
"I said back off, fag!" i hissed, my hands snapping out to curl around his collar. I was holding so tight that even my hands hurt and Caleb's blue eyes widened. His terrified face made my heart stop painfully. For a second i swore it was Castiel in his place. I let go slowly, hating myself for how much of an affect Castiel had on me still.
I threw Caleb down onto the wet grass roughly and he bounced slightly with a distinct snap. He had his wrist up to his chest as i came closer, my anger controlling me now. A broken wrist wouldn't bring my family back together; it wouldn't pay back the last 5 years of my life. I wanted him to pay...
"That is for my sister. That's for Sammy" i hissed, kicking him in the stomach twice before laying another into him. "That's for my mum."
Caleb shook his head, pulling himself up onto his knees as he tried to stand but i kicked him once more, this time in the face. "And that's for me, you stupid fag!"
"Get off him!"
The world spun and i cried out as my head hit the pavement behind me. I could feel someone on my stomach now, a tight hand around my throat, not squeezing, just holding me in place. I ignored the sharp pain in my hand, both my hands scrapping weakly at the one around my throat. My vision blurred slightly but i smirked evilly as recognition filled his eyes. He stood quickly, eyes never leaving me as he backed away and my smirk grew as i shook my head.
"Son?" he breathed.
There was so much i wanted to say. I wanted to scream and curse at him till my breath ran out. I wanted to slam my fist into his face. I wanted to kick him until he knew he was wrong for leaving me, Sammy and Kaz.
Having him in front of me, i couldn't move as i only managed a small smirk. "I'm not the loser..."
"Son, I-"
"Don't call me that!" i hissed, slapping his hands away as i stood, ignoring his help as i stumbled. I pressed a hand to the back of my head, glaring at him again as i tried to walk off. "You left us, old man..."
"Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you, Dean! I'm still your father!" Anyone would have shrunk away in terror at his tone, his eyes furious but i laughed, loud and painfully.
"Who the fuck did you say you were?" i asked, barely suppressing my laughter. "Or how about this, who am I? I'm not the stupid 13 year old you could push around before you left. I can do whatever the fuck i want."
"We're going to talk, Dean" he snapped roughly. "Damn it, it's been years since i last saw you. Would you stop being so god-damn angry and just listen to me?"
"Listen to yourself!" i yelled, gesturing to him angrily. "Do you even listen to what the fuck you're saying? You left us! You left mum and you left me! Kaz was barely 11, Sam was 12! I had to step up and be the man! Me! I was 13 and i had to step up because you left us to be some fag!"
My eyes narrowed on Caleb as he got to his feet. His eyes met mine and i flinched slightly. Even with the bruises he was too beautiful, like Castiel. He looked too much like Castiel.
Dad went to his side quickly, holding him up around the waist as he let his fingertips tremble over the bruises forming on his face. My hands balled into fist again.
"How the hell did you even find me?" i growled finally. "I thought you wouldn't have the nerve to show your face in town."
"I'm here for someone else" he sighed, "but I'm staying here for you, Dean. You have to stop; i hear what goes on at your school."
" When are you gonna get it? I'm not the kid you left behind! I'm not a child!" i yelled again, fighting not to let my voice go louder.
"News to me!" my father huffed and Caleb rested a trembling hand on his sleeve.
"Please, John. We should go. I don't want any trouble, love"
"Like hell you do" i snapped. "That's all you've caused since you turned my dad into a fag knowing he had a wife and three kids to look after!"
There was a hint of defiance as Caleb turned his eyes gaze at me, challenging. He looked too much Castiel. I dropped my eyes.
"It was nothing like that, you don't know what happened-" Dad started
"Neither do you!" i cut him off. "Kaz and Sammy kept asking me where you were. I had to lie to them before mum finally caved. You didn't see Sammy and Kaz grow up, you left and all mum had was me – a sick reminder of you!"
I bit the inside of my mouth roughly. I couldn't break down when i had the courage to tell him everything i kept back for so long.
"I tried to find you dad. I was only 13 fucking years old." I shook my head, willing the memory away as the pain over powered my bitterness, making it hard to speak. "Kaz and I were miserable, Sammy tried to act fine but he was hurt too. But you were happy. You didn't care. Not when you were with him."
"I never wanted that to happen." Caleb spoke, his tone laced with sincerity but it didn't matter. Everything out of his mouth was dirt to me.
"It still did!" My vision blurred, my eyes hot and wet and i wiped at them angrily.
"Dean, son-"
"Don't call me that!" i yelled, my hands in tight fist. "I'm not your son anymore! I want you to stay away from me! Next time i see you, I'll kill you. Do you hear me? I'll kill you! And him!"
I pushed Caleb's chest roughly, my dad catching him as i was thrown sideways. It wasn't my father, the intruder strong but smaller and faster. I reached up to touch my lips, my tongue licking the blood away. The bastard managed to punch me. My eyes narrowed. I turned sharply, ready to throw myself at him when i froze, my feet stuck in place.
"Get away from him!" Caleb grabbed the kids navy hoodie, pulling him back from me.
"What the hell are you doing here?" the kid growled, his cheek grazed with ice from his attempted fight. Caleb rolled his eyes, turning the kids face to touch the cut softly.
"What were you thinking" he demanded. "You know better than to get into a fight, Isaac."
"He's not getting away with this. I won't let him"
"Shut up, Isaac! This is between me, my dad and his fag!" i growled and his eyes widened as he tried to throw himself at me again but Caleb had his arm, holding him back.
"You're dad?"
"Isaac, calm down. I'm fine." Caleb spoke softly. "Just calm down okay? Isaac. Isaac, are you listening to me! Son!"
Isaac spun around at the word and my mouth dropped open as i glared at my dad. "He's- he's your son!"
He shifted on the spot and my mouth dropped open more, glare fixed onto my face "You really never cared about us at all, did you?"
"Dean, stop!" my voice vanished, my heart thumping from my chest as i turned, Castiel's wide eyes meeting mine. He took a hesitant step forward, his hand reached out before he thought better of it, pulling his hand away. "Dean, you can't do this. Not here."
"Castiel..." i breathed, eyes wide "I didn't...i wanted to...I just..." my words failed me as i shook my head angrily. Why couldn't i just spit it out!
"Dean, don't" Cas whispered, turning his back on me slowly
My hand reached out on its own accord, Castiel's just slipping through my fingertips. "Wait..."
"You have to go." Castiel said finally, my dad looking between us curiously which i tried to ignore.
"I don't wanna fucking go! I came here to talk to you!" i snapped, gesturing to him and i could vaguely hear Isaac struggle behind me, Caleb no doubt still holding him back.
"Get the fuck out of here Winchester. You don't belong here!" Isaac yelled and i snapped, throwing myself at him once again, someone catching me in their arms. Castiel ran to Isaac side quickly, taking him from Caleb as he looked at me, his face torn between confusion and pity. I could feel the persons grip on my arm tightened, holding me to their chest strongly.
"Dean...let it go..." the voice whispered and i crumbled, slumping down into the persons arms now.
I knew that voice.
Balthazar pulled me away slightly, eyes locked onto Castiel in some sort of silent apology. I sighed, shrugging his arm off. I couldn't meet his eyes.
"I'll take him home, Castiel." he whispered, sounding older than the last i time i had heard him, a hint of arrogance in his tone "I suggest you and the others leave. Now."
"Balthazar..." My dad tried to warn but Balthazar had his hand around my forearm tightly.
"I got him, John." He said sternly.
My eyes flickered to Castiel briefly. "Cas ... I'm sorry..." i managed and i could see my father's as well as Cas' eyes widen slightly at the gesture.
Wordlessly Balthazar pulled me along behind him, anger still radiating through my frame as he threw me into the passenger seat, taking the wheel of my truck. It wasn't till we were home that Balthazar finally looked at me, standing in front of the large stainless steel stoves in my kitchen. For once i was glad my brother and sister were out with Bela, Jo and Ash.
Balthazar had one of the large frying pans in his hand, a loaf of bread, a large pack of cheese, and a tub of butter on the counter next to him.
"How did you know your way here?" I said finally, my voice low as Balthazar fiddled with the gas burner. He shrugged slightly, his eyes turning slowly to my face
"I remembered it slightly. And I swear to god that I would deny it if ever asked again but…Cassie sometimes makes me drive here. He'd stand against the car, just looking at your house as if he was actually about to walk up the driveway….." Balthazar trailed off, shaking his head. "Never does though. Don't really expect him to. At least I understand why now."
"Are you going to look at me, Balthazar?" I tried
"What do you want me to say, Dean?" Balthazar shrugged again.
"Something. Anything." I admitted.
"I want to know what the fuck happened tonight" he sighed, the words were said with an air that clearly implied an unspoken 'obviously' which i tried to ignore as Balthazar pulled another slice of bread and began to butter it. I shook my head as he slathered it on, wondering just how much butter was required for whatever Balthazar was making.
"I can see that." I said as i dropped into the seat at the counter opposite him, watching Balthazar as he continued to spread copious amounts of butter onto the bread. "But it's...complicated."
The smile that had just been on Balthazar's face slipped. "And that is why? Last time i checked you and me had an agreement. At the bar you promised to talk to me if I kept Cassie 'safe' after school instead of letting him die of an alcoholic overdose. Not that I ever would, you know that."
"I know" I sighed.
Balthazar paused for a moment, hesitantly speaking as his eyes flickered to me briefly. "You obviously can accept Cassie to a point with this…why not them? John is your father after all."
"I don't want to talk about him, Balthazar. He left me!" I hissed, eyes glued to my knees.
"So you take it out on that kid who apparently was your best friend? Bravo, Dean. Bravo." Balthazar rolled his eyes. "You were there to see him. Why? If you hate gays so much, why willingly go to see one, even your ex-best friend?"
"I...I had to talk to him about something. I had no idea dad was going to be there, let alone that Castiel's stupid boyfriend was dad's stupid adopted kid."
For just a second, Balthazar's gaze flickered up before returning to the frying pan. He pressed the spatula into the bread again. "Something? Like what?"
"Nothing" i muttered to my feet. "I just wanted to talk and..."
"And?"
"And… that looks ready. You want the plate?" i said quickly, holding out the large white plate in my hand. I forced a smile as Balthazar took it, rolling his eyes at me. He had the grilled cheese sandwich on the plate and was spreading even more butter over the bread.
"Eat that." Balthazar said as he cut the sandwich in half and slid it over to me, a pleased look on his face. The grilled cheese was practically flat, the bread reduced to a thin layer that was cracked and showed the melted cheese underneath. And the butter that Balthazar had spread over the top was melting quickly.
"Did you actually leave any butter for morning?" i teased lightly.
"Don't judge me." Balthazar pointed the knife at my chest, not very threateningly. "That's how my nanny makes them. Now eat."
Balthazar placed his hands down on the counter top, staring with one of his most menacing glares. Tonight, however, it merely looked comical and i fought the urge to laugh, settling for the plate which i pulled closer. Taking the grilled cheese, under my fingertips the bread felt even thinner than it looked but judging by the look on Balthazar's face i didn't argue, taking a bite of his concoction. It was only a small bite, a corner, but it was enough. The bread, flattened by the spatula and covered in butter was crispy, and the melted cheese seemed to flow out of it. Surprisingly enough, it was not only edible –rare in most of Balthazar's cooking feats i had been told – but actually really fucking good.
"Good, right?" Balthazar smiled, obviously pleased with himself. "It's better if you use cheddar instead of American. But all I could find in the fridge was American and Swiss."
Chuckling softly, I took another bite of the sandwich, raising a brow as Balthazar eyed me thoughtfully.
"You are you going to tell me? The thing you wanted to talk about, i mean." Balthazar leaned on the counter, watching me eat. I raised a brow, still chewing as i shook my head.
"It's nothing" Even as I said the words, I knew that they weren't completely true. As I swallowed, Balthazar raised a brow and i caved. "I...I kinda hate Isaac."
"Isaac...?" Balthazar's expression faltered little. "That's it? Come on, we already knew that."
"No, I mean… that's not really all of it." My eyes flickered down to the other half a sandwich still on the plate before looking back up at Balthazar.
"Dean..." Balthazar paused awkwardly as if he didn't know how to proceed as he picked up the other half of the grilled cheese, biting into it. "I get why you don't like the idea of gays. Your father finally accepted himself and fell in love too late and it hurt when he left you but...if you're saying what i think you are– and I'm saying if – it's not the end of the world to be gay. You know I'm here, right? You don't have to go to your mum or dad. You don't even have to go to Cassie if you don't want to. But believe me, you don't wanna wake up one day with a wife you didn't want and a bunch of kids you still care about because you couldn't admit to yourself that you were different."
"I'm not gay, Balthazar." i snapped and Balthazar nodded again, unaffected.
"I just said if. Not when, okay?"
"You start singing 'If you were gay' I'm gonna start throwing punches." I promised with a raised brow. "You still got that boxing ring in the garage you were talking about?"
Balthazar laughed, patting my arm. "I think you need to heal before you and I put the gloves back on, Dean. Let's get you patched up first. I'm gonna get you some ice and some wet cloths' for that mug of yours"
Slowly, my smile faltered as I ran my fingertips over the slightly swollen area around my right eye, blood still seeping out from the small cut above it. By the feel of it i could tell it would turn blue and yellow defiantly but there was a chance of a bit of purple eventually.
Great, wasn't I beaten enough already?
"So what did you say to piss someone off this time?" Balthazar smirked, pushing the icepack into my face none too softly. I winced, glaring at Balthazar with my free eye.
"Me and Da-John...We… We had a disagreement"
"You're sugar-coating it."
"Fine" I hissed, glaring down at my shoes. "...I tried to beat the shit out of his fag and accused him of being the whore that turned my dad."
"Well, that was intelligent" Balthazar rolled his eyes. "What about Isaac?"
"Castiel's friend? Although...wannabe boyfriend seems more accurate." my glare narrowed again. "And apparently Caleb's kid. I mean, i hate John and he's not my dad anymore but some word would have been nice to know that his little adopted ray of fucking sunshine was attending my school."
"Wow, i don't know what's got you more riled up. That it's your dad and Caleb's adopted son or that its Cassie's almost boyfriend?"
I pushed the ice pack back onto my swollen eyes, grumbling out a half-hearted "shut up"
"so what now? You going to apologize?"
My head snapped up at Balthazar's words and he burst out laughing, patting my knee.
"I meant to Cassie" he amended quickly. "You obviously still care somewhat how he thinks of you."
"I do n-!"
"I would think carefully before you finish that sentence Dean Winchester" Balthazar cut me off with a serious look and i growled, hiding my face in my hands after i threw the icepack across the room roughly. Balthazar didn't flinch. With a sigh, he clasped his hands in his lap, looking at me seriously again.
"Dean, tell me now and tell me honestly. Are you gay?" Balthazar whispered and i physically flinched. "Dean, this is me. I'm not going to do or say anything. I accepted a lot of gay people in my time. Hell, you know Cassie's like a brother to me. If you can trust anyone it's me and you know it. I promise i won't tell John or Cassie if you don't want me to."
I bit my rough roughly, letting out a shuddering breath "...i don't know."
Balthazar sighed disappointed, not moving from his spot on the couch as he placed a large, warm hand onto my shoulder. "I'm not going to push it but you know now is the time to decide what you want, Dean. You said you needed to talk to Cassie right? This is the time when you can change everything. You can either get your old best friend back or the jock punching bag. Are you brave enough to fight for what you really want or not?"

a/n: deannnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Is this Dean starting the slow process? D:

Guys remember reviews are VERY much appreciated as well as any bits you want me to further on and any storyy ideas! Also, comments on when you guys want dean to come out (to closest people only )? Next chapter? A few more? Who should he come out to first? Balthy? Sammy? Kaz? Jo? CAS?

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