A/n: I suggest you listen to "Save the Hero" by Beyonce when Clary starts peeling the apples :)

Also fair warning to some people, there is a memory about Clary 'cutting' herself. Its pretty hectic... Otherwise

Enjoy!

It was at that moment, the moment when I think, Jace Lightwood is about to kiss me, that I rolled over and emptied the contents of my stomach all over Simon's shoes.

JPOV

She puked, she fucking puked! I didn't know if it was because of me or not, Paolini said it was just her body's way of recovering. Yet, she puked as I was about to kiss her... That's a sign right?

Simon had been mildly disgusted, but had helped Clary along with Isabelle. Ash had started giggling like a little girl and then started to soothingly rub Clary's back. Tomas just raised an eyebrow and found out Clary would be sick for the next week or so and me, you ask? I stood there like an idiot, my mouth open wide and eyebrows raised.

I sighed, leaning back on the wicker chair in the infirmary. Clary was asleep on the bed, the portal had exhausted her. Ash was next to her reading a book and Jocelyn was talking quietly with Luke at the door.

She had been extremely happy that her daughter was healthy again, but now she, Luke, Maryse, Robert and Tomas were looking into this mysterious demon and its ability to poison people by touch. Alec had also joined the team, being 18 and James had decided to stay back and look after the Institute while they all went to meet with the Clave.

Mangus had stayed with Paolini in order to learn how to purge the substance in case anyone ever came in contact with it again.

Luke and Jocelyn whispered good night, Jocelyn blatantly ignoring me while Luke gave me an apologetic smile.

Whatever, I thought, I didn't care. All I cared about was the fragile little girl lying on the bed in front of me.

Slowly I gave way to sleep, Ash had already fallen asleep and I could feel the 20 hour stint start to take it's toll. So as the darkness took over I was assaulted with pictures of a beautiful angel with fiery red hair and vivid green eyes.

CPOV

I was burning. I was on fire and it was hot! I kicked back the blankets, trying to get some relief. It didn't help, the burning continued, eating into me. It was tenfold worse than the heat when Paolini had healed me. I would gladly take that pain over this one. I felt like I was melting into myself. Like my flesh was burning into crisp ash and my blood bubbling like boiling hot soup.

Someone touched me and their heat burned. I screamed out loud, suddenly finding my voice over the immense pain.

"Don't touch me... I-I'm too hot. I n-ne-need cold," I stuttered, trying to control the pure agony I felt.

"Clary, just relax okay... You're gonna need to walk outside with us. Someone there is going to help you," a voice cut through the red haze and I simply nodded, arching my back at the white hot pain that shot down my spine.

Then they started touching me again, trying to get me to stand. Their hands searing me like I was cattle. I moaned, trying to suppress the howling screams inside of me. I needed to be strong. I was a shadow hunter and I was not going to give in.

The marble felt delicious on my feet and I felt a minuscule part of the fire leave me. My eyes were closed in my effort to contain the need to burst into tears. I was unaware we were outside until a chilling breeze hit my face and I heard voices talking. They sat me down on cool stone stairs, and I enjoyed the breeze providing temporary pleasure.

Another voice cut through the blazing fire, a voice that had died and been reborn. A voice that was going to help me, it said. It was going to make the pain go away.

It was at those words that I gave way to the part of me the wanted to fall down and sob my heart out. I fell into the hands of that familiar voice and it was like ice on my burning skin. He wrapped his hands around me, pressed his lips to my cheeks and slowly the fire cooled, as long as he was holding me.

"Shh... Clary, it's alright love, it's alright," Simon whispered and I gave way to the cold blackness.

JPOV

He wrapped his arms around Clary as she broke down, sobbing hard into his chest. I wished wistfully that I could provide that shelter for her, of course in this instance I'd have to be a vampire but besides that, I wished I was still the one she came running to when she had nightmares.

Simon rubbed his hands over her back, stifling a yawn as they had roused him from bed.

"Shh... Clary, I've got you okay? It's okay."

She whimpered and slowly her sobbing stopped, the red flush from her face faded and her eyes closed. She went limp in his arms and Simon lowered himself onto the stairs leading into the Institute.

He pressed another kiss to her temple delicately, my hands clenching into fists at the intimate gesture.

"She should be fine now."

He looked at me, "Thanks for coming out," I said.

Simon raised an eyebrow, "I came for her."

"I know."

He sighed, "Well, she's getting kind of cold, take her inside and keep her warm."

"I know how to take care of her Leech," I snapped.

"Hey boys stop the spat, she's alright and that's all that matters," Ash piped in.

I had forgotten he was still there. He had also refused to leave her side, his feelings obviously a lot stronger now.

"Whatever, I'll take her inside," I grunted and took her into my arms.

She was so light and soft, I resisted the urge to nuzzle my face in the crook of her neck and kiss her tenderly. Instead, I picked her up bridal style and walked inside the Institute, hearing Ash come after me.

"Jace!" Simon called out just before I walked in.

"What?"

"Just be careful with her."

"Dammit bloodsucker, I'm not going to hurt her!"

He sighed and shook his head, "No, I mean... Be careful with her heart."

CPOV

I woke up slowly, feeling slightly chilled if possible. I shuddered thinking of the fever I had last night. Simon had been there to take care of me, as usual. His cool fingers had chased the heat away and I finally gave into to him, sinking into his arms and falling asleep.

I actually felt pretty good, I had no sign of a headache or the constant nausea that had followed me around these last few days.

Slowly, I opened my eyes to see that it was night. The moon shone brightly through the large window behind me and I could see quite clearly. On my left I saw Ash leaning on his chest, snoring softly. His lush brown curls were tainted with silver and his tanned face cast in shadows of black and white. It reminded me of the second night I had seen him, playing the piano. I flinched slightly, the night my life changed.

Though, I still remember wanting to draw him, to capture his innocent beauty on paper. Unlike Jace, who always looked avenging and slightly intimidating, Ash would look like a sweet figure. Always worried and concerned, yet still strong.

I looked to my other side to see Jace, completely sprawled out on his chair, his chest rising and falling softly.

My heart pulled and I was swept over with a want for him, for his touch, his warmth, his scent, his taste. He looked so beautiful, the moon enhancing his golden features.

His curls were lying haphazardly over his face and I resisted to urge to gently move them out of the way and caress his cheek. His face was gaunt and I could see dark bags under his eyes. I felt a pang in my heart knowing I caused the sleepless nights, though I could hear my pride wagging a finger at me. Telling me it wasn't my fault.

I sighed, I was still so confused about my feelings toward Jace. I mean, I was still so angry, so alone, there was still so much pain and hate I felt towards him. Yet, his mere presence caused my heart to speed up and his scent paralysed me.

He had acted like there was nothing between us after he made out with that girl in Pandemonium, but now I was confused. While I could still hear, he was so gentle, so protective... So loving.

"Urgh," I muttered, I would leave that puzzle for another day, right now I needed something to drink. My stomach growled angrily... And eat.

I crawled off the bed, swaying slightly on my feet. I was still weak.

I made my way to the kitchen, noticing the Institute was so quiet, the pale moon light lit up every nook and cranny.

Every counter and plate gleamed in the kitchen. The knives glinted dangerously. I walked over to the fridge to see what was inside.

Great... Nothing but Isabelle's concoctions. I searched a bit deeper, hungry but not that hungry. At last, I found two green apples.

They would have to do for now I thought, pushing away the memory that the fruit bought with it. The greenhouse and a few stolen kisses... I stood near the window, grabbed a knife and started peeling back the thin green skin.

The knife slowly glided over the surface, peeling away curling strips of sour green apple skin. I drew a stringy strip to my mouth, savouring the taste. I continued to skin the apple, trying to clear my thoughts.

Suddenly, someone whispered my name.

"Clary?"

I swivelled around to see Jace staring at me, his eyes wide and alert. He was already taking a step towards me, his scent starting to fill the air.

"Ow!" I said as I quickly looked down at my finger, realising I had cut it.

I looked at my thumb in awe. A thin sliver of scarlet liquid raised to the surface, slowly sliding down the arch of my thumb into my palm. I watched as the blood pooled in my palm and I stood, frozen, as the blood dripped to the floor.

"Clary? Are you alright?" I looked up to find Jace right in font of me, looking pointedly at my thumb.

I took in a breath, ready to tell him that I was fine, when I breathed in... Him. Lime, sunlight and soap. He smelt like my past, my security... My home.

I dismissed that thought immediately, he was anything but my security or my home.

"Clary?" he asked again, this time reaching forward and cradling my hand in his. I gasped slightly, his touch still creating a tiny spark. He looked at me, his eyes full of admiration, yet at the same time, full of confusion and pain.

"Clary, why did you do this to yourself?" he asked, his voice husky and I realised how close he was. I could reach out and run a finger over his full lips, caress his cheek and nibble his earlobe.

His eyes continued searching me, looking intensely into my soul, my heart.

"I-I- I... You startled me while I was peeling an apple. It's just a small cut..." I said, my voice low and quiet.

His eyes tightened and he looked at my hand again, his index finger running over my thumb. He lifted his hand to see the blood that was on his finger and looked at it as if he had just noticed it. He started to shake his head.

"No Clary, why did you do this?" he asked, running the same index finger over the long, horizontal scar on my wrist. His finger left a small trace of blood, a memory of what had actually happened.

He snapped his head up, looking intently for an answer, his eyes narrowing at my silence.

"Why Clary? Answer me for goddammit!"

His words snapped something inside of me. How dare he ask me why! How dare he demand answers from me!

"You," I said, clearly. My voice confident and slightly harsh.

Jace blinked twice, his eyes widened and he took a small step back.

"Me?" He whispered, almost scared at the answer.

I didn't give him one, I just stared at him. All the while my blood dripped slowly to the floor.

"I made you-you... Cut yourself?" His voice cracked at the last word.

I looked back at the memory...

About a month ago

I ran into my bathroom and slammed the door loudly. I grabbed my razor, knowing my intention and the consequences, but I had to! I had to try and get rid of this overwhelming pain and anger. It was consuming me and I needed to let it go.

I slid out the sharp blade underneath, feeling it press into my palm I took it to my wrist. Not too low, I didn't want anyone to see – not that they would care.

My hand was shaking... I took a few calming breaths. I pressed the corner to my skin and hissed when it broke through the layer. A small bead of blood popped up and I pressed the blade down again, dragging to slowly across the surface of my wrist. It wasn't deep, but the pain stung none the less. I sucked in a breath when I saw the thin line of blood that had risen, both sides dripped over the side staining the white-tiled bathroom.

I threw the blade into the sink and put my wrist under cold water. The water abused the sensitive skin and I released a string of profanities under my breath.

This wasn't working! The physical pain wasn't overlapping the emotional. I could still feel the tight ball, just under the surface wrapped in anguish, waiting to be unleashed.

Would it ever go away?

He pulled me close to him, wrapping me in an embrace and throwing me out of my thoughts.

He was too close, he was everywhere. I couldn't breathe, and when I did I breathed in him. It was all too familiar and all too strange at the same time. I remembered when this was a shelter, when his arms could ward off the worst nightmares. But right now this was a torture.

I wanted this so much! The embrace, the love, him... but I couldn't, I couldn't get hurt again.

Yet, his touch was so overwhelming and his smell so comforting. His breath whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

That's when he did it.

He pulled back, and I immediately missed his touch, his warmth. Already he had me addicted.

Slowly as if not to scare me he leant down and touched his forehead to mine. I sucked in a breath, my heart rate picked up and my breathing was shallow. I could hear his laboured breathing, his erratic gasps of air. This was affecting him too.

"Jace..." I breathed.

He leant down some more and pressed his lips against mine.

His lips were soft, warm and oh so sweet. They moved against mine, and I felt a shot of warmth run down my spine. His hand moved to cup my face and my fingers intertwined themselves into his hair.

It was so soft, silky smooth, how I had missed it.

He slowly sucked my bottom lip, asking for entrance, begging for it. I opened my mouth, letting him come in. His tongue mixed with mine and it was a bitter-sweet reminder of what we had. I felt warm liquid slip down my face, through his fingers and onto our lips. It was salty, a taste I was all too familiar with.

We drew apart all too soon, our breathing ragged our hearts wild. He grazed his thumb over my cheeks, wiping away the tears.

"Shh... Shh Clary. I'm so, so sorry love. For everything For-" he drew in a deep breath, "- for being such a jerk and – and having to wait so long to say... To-"

My heart leapt, he still loved me! It seemed to yell, I couldn't help but be scared. I knew that if he said it I would be his again in a flash. He would be mine and I would maybe feel healed, but my head jumped in, to remind me of the pain and agony that I had faced these past two months. He shouldn't be able to say two words and have me at his side. It shouldn't have taken me to the brink of death in order for him to say it. I knew I was confused and I had to think, to breathe. You deserve better my head whispered. You deserve him my heart whispered.

I shook my head, "Don't say it Jace."

He stopped, "Why not?"

"I just can't her you say it... Not yet."

He nodded slowly,absorbing what I said, "Okay Clary, that's fine. Take your time sweetheart."

I nodded weakly, I was so tired. So as the exhaustion closed around me once more I couldn't help but notice that as Jace held me closely, his hands rubbing soothing circles on my back, his smell surrounding me, his breath whispering into my ears and his taste on my tongue, that my tight little ball of pain was gone.

A/n: I cried when I wrote this so... I hope it was worth it! This is kinda a transition chapter so the real drama will come soon :D Thanks for the reviews and could I have some more please? ;P Thanks to my awesome beta Namington!

Click review :) :)

XXX