Lord Harold Farber III ruled an empire that spanned the system. He had offices on four planets and factories and holdings on twelve planets.
This was the first time that he had been invited to the Persephone Ball. Most people looked down their noses at him and thought themselves better than him.
He was extremely shocked to hear the names…
"Mr. Jayne Cobb and Miss River Tam."
…announced by the attendants.
Cobb he knew as the muscle for hire aboard the cargo ship Serenity. Miss Tam he knew as the recent fugitive from the Alliance Agents and Parliament's Operative.
"Hey, Badger, ain't that the Li'l girl that 'lliance operative was after?" Came the annoying question from his left shoulder.
"I told you not to call me that here, its Lord Farber. And yes that is the Li'l bit." Badger was beginning to regret not hiring outside protection for his first foray into high society.
"Maybe we should nab 'er and turn 'er in?" Came an even more uncouth voice from his right.
"Maybe you should shut your hole before I give you a new one!" Badger hissed as quietly as he could.
He tried not to speak to many people at this function as his accent gave away his common upbringing, his father was the nobleman but his lowly servant of a mother had raised him.
It was on his father's death that he had inherited his father's estate and title at the age of 25, he was already quite the crime lord in his own right and decided that having a legal business would be beneficial.
So here he was attending his first official shindig as a respectable member of the community with his… not so respectable… "attendants"; and who should walk in but some recently wanted government fugitive on the arm of Reynolds' hired muscle.
This is why he didn't gamble – at least not with his own money – the fates hated him. They have sense of humour that should be overlooked by mortals lest they desire a long stay in a padded room and total frontal lobotomy, their sense of humour would drive the average person insane.
At this point Badger was just hoping that they could avoid each other and pretend the other didn't exist. Well, this was a Tuesday like any other? Why would the fates decide he deserved a break?
River was floating on waves of happiness and feeling very pretty, being on the arm of a very handsome man who was capable of making her toes curl – which when she thought about it didn't count for much coming from a prima ballerina and decided to spend the following day coming up with a better analogy.
Jayne was nervous but determined to make the evening perfect for River. He had even agreed to leave all weapons at home - even Binky.
River could feel both Jayne's apprehension and determination. She had already laid out plans in her mind to treat him later… that it would involve Vera, their bunk, their bed and very little else.
As they stepped onto the dance floor River turned to Jayne.
"I have good news and bad news." She informed him.
"Any chance the bad news won't affect us?" Jayne asked hopefully.
River gave him her patented 'duh' look.
"Fine, good news first." Jayne grumbled.
"I'm so happy that I will be showing you how much later when we get home - with Vera." She whispered in his ear.
The giddiness was flowing off of Jayne so much that she was loath to give him the bad news.
"Jayne, the bad news?" She reminded him.
"Oh… yeah… ok, spoil my mood." Jayne said trying to frown, but failing.
"Badgers here." She said as she closed her eyes in fear of the onslaught.
Jayne's face fell suddenly. But then, after a moment's thought…
"S'not like we have to talk to 'im is it?" He asked hopefully.
"No… but when the Captain arrives he will not be able to stop from interrogating him as to why he survived the Alliance rousting of all our associates by the Operative." She told him still bracing for the cursing and ranting.
"What the gorram hell is the cap'n coming here for?!" Jayne demanded incredulously.
"Wanted to take Inara somewhere nice. The others will also be here for the same reason… although Wash just wanted to get Zoe into something 'slinky'."
Jayne sighed.
"Will I at least get to pound on Badger some?" He asked, desperate for something good to happen… not that having River weren't all kindsa shiny but this kinda shindig weren't really his kinda deal.
"No fighting!" She told him sternly. Jayne's face fell. "But you may be very intimidating." Jayne's smile returned.
"Well, ain't no reason can't enjoy the evenin' 'til Mal comes to spoil the night." Jayne reasoned. "Can I pound on Mal?" He asked as an after thought.
"I'll think about it."
Simon and Kaylee were the first to arrive, Simon looking very dapper, Kaylee looking every inch like Little Bo Peep looking for her sheep at some swanky soiree.
River was impressed by the fact that Kaylee was not upset with Simon. She fully expected her ge ge to have managed to shove his foot in his mouth. She was so proud of him.
Shepherd Book had offered to stay on ship and keep an eye on things; he also had the inevitable bail money and rescue weapons to hand.
Mal and Inara were the next to arrive, Inara looking as regal as ever with Mal as the perfect accessory, something Simon and Wash would later take great pleasure in teasing the Captain about.
Eventually Wash and Zoe arrived. Zoe turning heads the second she stepped through the door. River was on the verge of berating Jayne for staring at Zoe when she realised he was staring at Wash who was barely recognisable without his trademark loud shirts.
Zoe arrived just in time to prevent Mal from killing Badger and Mal from getting shot by his bodyguards. Wash just stared in pure pleasure as his wife moved in perfect slinky-ness.
Jayne gave River a quick peck on the lips before joining Zoe in backing the Captain up.
River began to get goose bumps as her man went all tough and growly.
"Thing of beauty, ain't it, watching our loved ones move like that?" Wash remarked as he sidled up to a moon eyed River.
"Definitely." Came the contented sigh.
Regrettably River was so engrossed in her man that she was barely aware that Wash had fallen to the floor, she finally snapped out long enough to realise that someone had injected her with a sedative and that she was being dragged away.
Her last thoughts were that Jayne and Zoe were going to be so mad and the Captain was going to get shot rescuing her.
River was right on the first count.
Zoe was pissed about Wash getting hurt. She had the Shepherd outside the Ball Room with Simon's med kit and a good deal of Serenity's arsenal. He was very careful in the handling of Vera.
Jayne was also enraged about River being taken. This was evidenced by the fact that he had instructed the Shepherd to enter his bunk and retrieve a good deal of his girls. Anyone touching his guns usually failed to wake up the next day.
River was wrong about Mal getting shot - for the moment.
"Do we know who took her?" Inara asked.
"No clues were left, there's been no ransom demand yet and the Simon and Kaylee are gonna call if they get one." Zoe told her.
"What about the people in the ballroom? They must have seen something." Wash pointed out.
"Probably did, whether or not they'll tell us is another matter." Mal was strapping up as was everyone but Inara. Even Book was packing heat.
"Well, they took my girl and clobbered Wash." Jayne said as he checked Vera. "I say Cap'n and 'Nara go check for witnesses and Zoe and I go persuade Badger that we may not kill 'im if he helps us."
"Why don't I get to persuade Badger?" Mal whined.
"'Cause someone needs to go with 'Nara, Zo' and I have a personal stake in this."
"Fine," Mal grumped, "but next time Badger needs persuading, I get first shot."
"Not to worry sir," Zoe consoled, "safe to say Badger will require persuading at some point."
"Ok then, Wash and Book stay with the Mule and keep it running in case we catch a break, the rest of us, lets go." Mal ordered.
Despite Inara's connections and claiming River was her favoured niece, she was unable to glean anything other than the fact that she was taken by some rather unsavoury looking thugs whom they had no idea how they were able to get past security.
This, however, was enough to give Mal the idea to see if the incident was captured on the surveillance systems.
Badger knew he was going to get the blame for the incident with Cobb's girl and had tried to bid a hasty retreat.
He did quite well considering he made it to his mule out front.
He was fairly startled when his two bodyguards crumpled to the floor beside him.
As he felt a strong yet slender hand grip his shoulder he felt a distinct heat spread through his pants and his underwear seemed to sag slightly from an added weight.
"What the hell!" Jayne exclaimed. "Gorram rodent crapped his pants."
As unlucky as the two warriors were to be exposed to Badger's stench, they were fortunate enough that the wanna' be crime lord hadn't fainted, no need to revive him.
"Alright ya li'l runt," Jayne began, "we don't plan to kill ya, yet."
Badger seemed to visibly relax at that.
"But that don't mean we can't do some persuading. You don't cooperate and I start cutting bits of, next time you see 'em will be when you check ya post, dong ma?" Jayne drew his knife and began testing the edge.
At this point Badger turned a remarkable shade of green and Zoe was just quick enough to turn the terrified little man away from them before he vomited all over the terrifying duo.
"This spewing of bodily fluids… this one of them 'defensive mechanisms'?" Jayne asked as he watched on in amusement.
Zoe opting for the silent approach merely shrugged, she was quite happy to let Jayne do all the talking and would only step in if Badger looked to have a heart attack.
Eventually the stream of bodily fluids seemed to dry up.
"Right, pretty obvious what we wanna' know." Jayne said as he hauled the quivering mass of human to its feet. "But I'll spell it out for ya just so's there ain't no misunderstandings." Jayne took a step closer and placed his knife behind Badgers ear ready to slice it off.
"Who took my woman and beat on Zoe's man?"
"I s-s-s-swear I d-d-d-don't know, bu-u-u-U-U-U-u-ut," Jayne had begun to slice but stopped at the panicked plea, "I swear if ya find out who did it I'll help ya try an' find 'em, I'll even give ya first pick o' all my jobs and pay ya double."
It was pretty obvious that the little man wasn't holding back and was far from inclined to try and lie to the heavily armed man and woman.
Jayne looked to Zoe who gave a barely noticeable nod.
"Very well, we'll let you walk away intact. We find out you had any involvement in this, and I mean if you even know a friend of a friend of a friend of someone who was involved, then you'll be receiving your body parts in the mail on a regular basis."
Jayne shoved the little man to the ground without a seconds glance and stomped off, Zoe falling into step beside him.
"Think Mal and Inara had any luck?" Jayne asked.
"Hope so, probably safe to say they're having a less fragrant experience." She said with a small smile.
"Well, I feel sorry for whoever took River, she ain't gonna be too happy when she wakes up." Jayne said as they approached the mule were the others were waiting with Mal and Inara.
"I'm just hoping she leaves some for us." Zoe replied.
After a quick round of reporting from each team, Wash and Mal went round to find Badger to see if he recognised the thugs caught on the surveillance systems kidnapping River.
Jayne and Zoe, refused on the grounds that:
"We already scared the crap out of him, I really don't wanna' see what's next."
On their return, Wash was looking a little green and Mal was smirking.
"Seems like Badger has developed an aversion to you two. Says he's promising us first choice on all jobs so long as he never sees you two again." Mal said grinning.
"He also needs to get his colon checked for infection!" Wash exclaimed. "He stinks worse than Jayne when we first met."
"Yeah, well, you would too, was the only way to make sure Marco and his lot didn't try and get frisky." Jayne groused.
"Can we please hurry this up? River is out there somewhere." Inara begged, worried for her friend.
"Ain't worried 'bout her." Jayne snorted. "More worried 'bout us not getting in on the action."
"As true as that may be, I think her brother would appreciate his sister returned as soon as possible." Inara pointed out.
"Sooner we find her, sooner we get to have some fun." Zoe remarked.
"Well, 'ccording ta Badger, these are Ol' Ath's men." Mal said rising up on the balls of his feet in glee.
"Tell 'em the best part Mal." Wash bounced happily beside him.
"Ah yes," Mal said sagely, "turns out your ol' beau, works for another friend of ours—"
"NISKA!" Came Wash's excited cry.
"I wanted to tell 'em!" Mal whined.
"You were taking to long!" Wash complained.
"Mal forgive me for asking, but why does this make you two so happy?" Book asked smiling as he couldn't help but be amused at the antics of his friends, despite his worry for River.
"Get settle two scores at once." Zoe said with a slight smirk.
"I still don't understand why you aren't worried, especially you Jayne, I thought you loved River!" Inara cried exasperated, tears threatening to fall.
Mal saw her distress and took her in his arms.
Zoe looked her in the eyes and explained their lack of concern.
"'Nara, in the few year we've known River she's managed to convince a cold-hearted bounty hunter that she was the ship and get him thrown into the black. She's escaped from a locked room and taken down Jayne twice. She's destroyed a bar whilst killing the patrons one at a time. She shot three men straight between the eyes without looking. She's warned us of at least one Reaver attack. She convinced all of us to trek through Reaver space and back again, and to take on the Alliance by our lonesomes. And she took out forty to fifty Reavers in a room with one exit."
"And that was when she weren't quite right in the head." Wash added.
"Suffice to say darlin'," Mal told her as he gave a comforting squeeze, "She'll probably be sitting in their complex waiting for us to find her with dead bodies all around her."
"Well I demand that we go and get her, something might go wrong." Inara pleaded, seeing their point but still scared for River.
"We will, we're gonna drop you, Shepherd and Wash off at Serenity and take a shuttle to go pick her up." Mal said as he helped her into the mule.
Simon and Kaylee were just as worried as Inara, as the Mal, Zoe and Jayne left in the spare shuttle Wash was trying to cheer them up by retelling some of his stories.
It turned out that Niska had taken up on a planetary base. Seems he lost his fondness for space stations after his last one started to fall apart around him after the crew of Serenity rescued their Captain.
His new base was underground; this suited the three heavily armed would-be rescuers just fine, as they didn't have to worry about causing decompression.
They had decided on a very complicated plan of shoot everyone in the knees and then ask questions, kill 'em if they fail to cooperate and then kill everyone else once they have the information they need as to River's whereabouts. Jayne was very pleased with this plan… probably because it was his. Zoe and Mal were in no mood to argue.
Upon reaching the entrance their progress went quite well. The four guards were incapacitated and Mal and Zoe stood back whilst Jayne had a little chat with them about how to get in and where River was being held.
Information began to flow freely after Jayne literally spilled the guts of the first guard all over the floor.
Apparently River was at the bottom of the installation twenty levels down. Access was easy once the terrified guards handed over their keycards.
The trio moved in side and worked their way down through the floors looking to eliminate guards lest they find themselves under siege at the bottom.
"This ain't no fun!" Jayne complained on the fifth level. "Where are they all?"
"No idea Jayne," Mal responded, "Think our Li'l Albatross could have something to do with this?"
"We were expecting her to be able to handle the bulk of the forces before we got here." Zoe pointed out.
"Yeah, but she knows how much I'd enjoy getting some action." Jayne whined.
"Worse comes to worse Jayne, its U-Day next week, after Miranda it should ten times as fun!" Mal consoled with a smirk.
"Hell yeah!" Jayne perked up considerably.
Upon reaching the nineteenth floor they finally came across some resistance, around fifty guards were crowded around the entrance to the twentieth floor weapons ready to decimate anyone who walked out.
The three retreated back to the eighteenth to consider their plan of action.
"Well, they ain't looking our way so we could just mow them down from behind by surprise. Just don't seem very sporting." Mal suggested disgusted at the thought.
"Don't think anyone who would work for those two hundans deserves sporting." Zoe pointed out.
"Yeah well, if we do just start shooting maybe we should be careful in case River decides to join the fight." Mal said. "Zoe, think you can thin the herd a little?" Mal asked his first mate.
"I should be able to take out several from the back. I'll give you a signal and then you can start firing and I'll slip behind take out some more." Zoe confirmed as she pulled out a wicked looking knife.
Jayne just grinned and pulled out a metal tube.
"River made me this silencer for Vera, figure I could make it through the vent and cover you from above."
"Which leaves me to scream and make loud noises with my big gun here when they realise their buddies are dying around them." Mal said gleefully whilst he checked his weapon.
"Jayne, get into position and signal over the com when your ready, Zoe will start to drop them, they figure it out I'll join the fray."
Jayne just nodded and made his way to the nearest air vent.
Mal and Zoe had always been two sides of the same coin, Zoe was quiet, methodical and could dispatch an opponent before they realised they weren't alone.
Mal tended to go in guns blazing.
Being a sniper, Jayne was more than comfortable to sit back and wait for his victims to cross his path.
From his vantage point Jayne was able to observe Zoe's progress through the fifty odd guards focused on the twentieth floor.
She made it through ten before on sneezed and happened to fall back just enough to trip over one of his fallen comrades.
Jayne was able to take him out and Zoe only just managed to catch him before he fell into another of his comrades and gave the whole game away.
Zoe managed another ten bodies before she could do no more without alerting the rest to her presence.
Zoe retreated to the side whilst Jayne signalled Mal it was his turn.
Mal stood up and simply began to hold down the trigger on his machine gun, whilst screaming his lungs out.
Jayne began picking off any one who might be a threat to Zoe who had snuck behind them and had resumed picking them off.
They were down to five men when one of them in the throes of death sent a random bullet ricocheting around the room and landing in Mal's thigh.
Thus fulfilling yet another of River's predictions.
Mal ducked behind cover again whilst Zoe and Jayne made short work of the remaining five.
Zoe went to check on Mal whilst Jayne punched his way out of the vent to land on the floor below.
"Couldn't go one time without getting shot?" Jayne remarked.
"If you remember I didn't get shot on Mr. Universe's." Mal smirked.
"Nah, you just beaten to a pulp." Jayne retorted.
"Better hurry up so Simon can fix this." Zoe said as she tightened the tourniquet she had applied.
"Yeah, he'll never let me live this down." Mal griped. "Lets go get our Albatross."
As they entered the twentieth floor they noticed that it was littered with more bodies that they had not killed themselves.
"Looks like River's been busy." Zoe remarked.
They moved through the corridor to a heavily shielded door, which was quite obviously some sort of holding cell.
Mal stood back whilst Zoe and Jayne took up positions to breach the room. Zoe gave the countdown and Jayne kicked the door as Zoe released the latch.
The two entered the room taking up positions whilst Mal hobbled in behind them.
The three stopped and stared at the sight before them.
River, still dressed in her ball gown, was sitting on a stool watching them calmly. Tied to a similar metal structure Mal and Wash had once been stuck to were Niska and Wing.
Both seemed to be extremely terrified but otherwise unharmed.
"Erm, Albatross," Mal began, "watcha' doin'?" he asked.
"Waiting for you." She replied.
Suddenly Jayne was moving forward and grabbing River in huge hug.
"Missed you, too." River gasped as Jayne hugged her tighter. "Jayne, air– please!"
"Sorry, bao bei."
"So then River, have they told you why they tried to kidnap you?" Mal asked as he approached the two men currently tied up.
"Thought I was the best way to get to you."
"Not the most original of motives." Zoe noted.
" What do you want to do with them?" Zoe asked.
"Kill 'em." Was Jayne's simple suggestion.
"Yes, but do we want them to suffer, or do we just want them gone as soon as possible?" Mal asked.
Jayne stalked up to the captives.
"Here's the deal," he began. "You give us access to all your funds and resources, sign everything over to us and we'll make it quick and painless, you decide otherwise and I'll have Mal pick me up in a week or two when we're finished."
The two terrified men nodded quickly; clearly they had been scared enough by River, something Zoe made a note to ask her about later.
"Good, you just give all your details to my girl here," he said drawing River to his side, "and we'll conclude our business here."
Jayne left River to gather the information from their prisoners and went to Mal.
"I suppose, in the interests of being good guys, we could just turn them over to the authorities on kidnapping and torture." He said glumly.
"Why Jayne!" Zoe exclaimed theatrically. "Have we corrupted you with our morals?"
"You ain't worried about them buying their way out?" Mal asked.
"With what? River's about to get all their loot and we have this place and the surveillance from the ball as evidence." Jayne pointed out. "Besides, we can just kill 'em if they do get off or out. Least this way we don't have to worry about murder charges."
"Talk about scary, morals and intelligent thinking!" Mal cried, "Who are you and what have you done with my merc?"
"Har-dy har-har." Jayne sarcastically. "Can we just get on with this? I need to spend some quality time with my girl."
"Fine, I'll head back to the shuttle and wave the feds, you three bring those two up when you've finished." Mal ordered.
"Zoe better go with you, you lost a fair amount of blood."
Zoe and Mal looked down at Mal's blood soaked leg.
"Simon is really not gonna let this go." Mal whined. "Come on Zo', time for you to take care of your ailing captain."
Jayne watched for a moment as Zoe slung Mal's arm over her shoulder and the pair made their way back out into the corridor. Jayne moved to join River drawing his knife as he moved.
"We done here River?" Jayne asked looping an arm around her shoulder.
"Yes, Mr Wing wasn't entirely forthcoming, but I managed to get what we needed."
"Right then boys, seems my fun is spoilt." Jayne informed them, sheathing his knife. "We're gonna be handing you over to the authorities for kidnapping, torture and attempted murder."
Both men seemed to visibly relax.
"However," Jayne growled moving in closer and drawing his knife again for effect, "either of you to tries to get off with these charges, or escape, or I find out you've hid money from me, you and I will be spending at least two weeks together the end of which I can guarantee you won't see me again, dong ma?"
The two men paled and shrank back, too scared to answer.
"DONG MA?" Jayne roared.
The two men began to nod vigorously.
"Ew, that's disgusting!" River cried stepping back.
"What?" Jayne asked looking between her and the prisoners.
Apparently Niska suffered a bout of incontinence and Wing lost bladder control.
"Rutting hell!" Jayne exclaimed jumping back. "Twice in one day!"
Jayne and River left the two men to hang in the torture chamber, rather than stick around with the smell.
They exited the complex to find that Mal had called Serenity to them and Zoe was just docking the shuttle.
Jayne headed for the infirmary whilst River went to change out of her gown.
"Jayne, how are our two benefactors?" Mal asked as Jayne leant against the infirmary doorway.
"Smelly." Jayne stated with a grimace.
"Excuse me?" Simon asked as he looked up from extracting the bullet from Mal's leg.
"Niska crapped his pants and Wing wet 'imself." Jayne explained.
"What is it with you!" Mal asked disbelievingly. "First Badger now Wing and Niska?"
"Hey, I just explained that if they tried to avoid jail or crossed us again we'd be spending a couple of fun filled weeks together." Jayne defended.
"Yes, well I would appreciate it if you could convince the Captain to stay at home for the foreseeable future, it appears he gets shot if leaves the ship." Simon groused.
"Wouldn't help none Doc." Zoe said as she joined them. "Mal's been shot plenty of times on Serenity."
"The Captain has failed to learn a very important lesson." River explained as she sidled up to Jayne.
"And what would that be oh all knowing Albatross?" Mal asked grumpily.
"When to duck."