Lil sis (sorry, I don't know what else to call you) - I can understand that, I know most people would probably rather see Brittany as the smart articulate version she is sometimes in the show, and ignore the side of her that forgets how to leave a room. I guess I wanted to bring credibility to the character because i'm both sides and I wanted to show how what seems like an unrealistic character, could actually be real. :) Anyway, you're awesome for being a great sister, it's never easy for siblings of people with disabilities. Your brother is so lucky to have you. Thanks for reading. Ps. I definitely plan to reveal the current status of me and "Santana" to present date, but not til the end.
Puff614 - Wow. I so never realized that remembering everything is a burden as well. I only ever tried thinking of it as a gift before, but you are so right. It's a burden, because other people get to move on from Brittany and she never gets to do the same. And, like you said, there are some little things that nobody needs to remember. I think bullying is a good example. A few slushie facials would be good to remember so you know how other victims feel, but you don't want to remember hundreds of them, those memories are ones you really want to fade over time. Thank you so much, I get so much out of writing this stuff down, especially when I get comments like that, because you can't put a price on having your life suddenly make more sense. It's good to know the reasons why things can be so hard. Also, I know Brittany would totally love to hug you back and be your friend. :) Ps. Your sheep pillow pet is very welcome and I got a huge kick out of imagining horns being taped to stuffed animals. :P
xoxo - That's actually really true, out of every single moment there ever was, it was actually that one that Santana needed Brittany to come through for her the most. It didn't exactly change the course of Santana's own life but it was probably the 'sliding door' moment that made sure that she brought Brittany with her. As always, thanks for reading. :)
Taeblancaxoxo, chanismith. kolman, Orange-Green - Thanks for much for all the kind words and for supporting me and this story! I'm so glad you like it. :)
prattle01 - Thanks so much! Haha, I love all those bitch slaps all round. I can say now that neither Brittany nor Santana ever see Ben again. He fell out with Tomas and never came back to that house, and because we don't know what happened to him, punishment ideas seem wide open. We like to imagine he's in jail or was captured by a businessman with a very dark specific fetish. I can't say (yet) what happens to Tomas, but I can say that the chapter after this one is a happy one. :)
I might do a few 'infinite playlists' every now and then. I mostly picked songs from Glee (with a couple others thrown in), because at least everyone here has probably heard them at least once so I won't be leaving anyone out. The quote from the song is the part that reminds Brittany of Santana. I went with songs that suit this part of the story.
Chapter 10 – Stop the Violence.
Brittany S. Pierce, Present.
Santana and Brittany's infinite playlist, Disk 1.
Sometimes using other people's words is okay, so long as you have your own too. An infinite playlist, the soundtrack to our lives, played inside my head every time I looked at her.
Fix you - Coldplay – When you get what you want, but not what you need / I will try to fix you.
I'll stand by you – The Pretenders – Nothing you confess, could make me love you less. I'll stand by you.
Ben – The Jackson 5 - I don't listen to a word they say/ And you my friend will see you've got a friend in me.
Shake it out – Florence and the Machine - It's hard to dance, with a devil on your back.
True Colors – Cyndi Lauper - You with the sad eyes, don't be discouraged, oh I realize, It's hard to take courage/ Your true colors /Are beautiful, like a rainbow.
The Hokey Pokey- Now put your tongue in, and your tongue out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.
Anywhere – Evanescence - I have dreamt of a place for you and I. No one knows who we are there/ Forget this life, come with me, don't look back you're safe now. Unlock your heart, drop your guard, no one's left to stop you.
The Rainbow Connection - Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Brittany S. Pierce, age 16.
Predictably, Quinn went from protégé to captain of the Cheerios. With it came longer training hours and more responsibilities, which meant Santana saw her a lot less than usual. Santana knew Quinn was always going to be the one make captain, but she couldn't help feeling pissed. Why did Quinn always have to be everyone's golden girl? She never has to give up anything to get ahead like I do, Santana grumbled.
At least Coach Sue now realized what a deadly weapon she had in her trio. She selected Quinn, Santana and Brittany to star in the majority of their routines. She also handpicked them for her recon mission against her number one enemy, Will Schuester, and by extension his Glee club. She insisted that all three girls join the club as spies.
At first, Brittany was giddy with excitement. She had immediately started raving about how much spy equipment they already had.
"Coach Sue! We won't even need to buy a thing for this mission because we have these recording devi…"
"Brittany," Santana hissed, nudging her in the ribs, "I threw all that stuff out years ago. Stop embarrassing us both."
She looked at Sue. "Sorry about Brittany. She gets confused sometimes. No way are we such lame dorks."
"A shame," Sue said, "I'd admire anyone who pulls out all the stops to bring down an avid user of the Pomade styling solution which should have been outlawed upon Elvis's death, god rest his soul. Not only do I resent the smell of beeswax and lard in the morning, but I fear he might use the power of it to attempt to bring back ducktail hair and that, my young half baked yet vaguely alluring potential ex-resident poets of a certain Greek Isle, would be a crime."
"You," Sue gestured to Brittany, "might even remind me of a young Sue Sylvester, though perhaps only of one stoned out of her brain during a Woodstock concert."
Brittany had perked up during the mention of a ducks tail, but after feeling Sue's eyes upon her, she had looked back down at the floor at Sue's white Adidas trainers. Days later, she still couldn't get what Santana had just said out of her head. She knew Santana was lying. She knew all their stuff was boxed up in a chest in Santana's room. Why would she lie? And when did having fun become lame?
Spy stuff or not, they had agreed to spy on the Glee club and were accepted in with next to no effort, at least compared with how they'd had to force their way into the Cheerios.
Coach Sue definitely seemed to have some kind of grudge against one Will Schuester, their Spanish teacher, and now Glee club coach. Santana wasn't the greatest fan of him either, but she didn't hate the guy. As for Brittany, the minute she saw him she was convinced that he had to be the lovechild of lesser known Muppets: 'Guy Smiley' and 'Don Music.' Apparently, Mr Schue had inherited Guy's eyebrows and Don's voice. Santana had no idea what kind of trippy retro children's channel Brittany had been watching lately but she couldn't help giggling at Brittany's comments about Mr Schue's 'parents'. Apparently everything their teacher did reminded her of at least one of his 'dads'.
Brittany kept asking Mr Schue to teach her the alphabet, but got discouraged when he didn't seem to have any anthropomorphic letter friends on call waiting to help her sound things out like on his dad's learning show. He wouldn't even bring M and N to talk to her. She'd always had trouble with just those two letters because she thought they were too similar. When she thought too hard about it, Brittany often mixed them up and ended up coming out with strange words like 'emeny', 'imfany' and 'nomkey'. The rest of the alphabet was fine though, it got easier after that. O was the capital of Oklahoma and S was the capital of Santana. She liked the letter S and always made sure she included the initial of her middle name when writing her name, because it brought her closer to Santana. Even though she knew it was silly, she liked sharing Santana's capital. She liked any way they got to be the same, or have the same things.
Santana loved the idea of Glee club, though she would rather be tortured than admit to it. She half attempted to maintain an air of uncaring during practice, making sly digs at Berry the singing hobbit, or lewd jokes about Mr Schue and his ginger-stalker, but most of the time she didn't even bother. Santana secretly loved having a place where she could spend time with Brittany without having to put on a big act for other people. Santana didn't bother wasting her bragging on people in that room. The only people she had to worry about in Glee club were Quinn and Finn and they were usually too busy sucking face to notice anything else.
Brittany loved it just as much back. In Glee club, Santana was hers again. Brittany couldn't wait until 4pm to come around, because that's when Snix went home, and her Santana headed off to practice with her in the choir room.
So long as they were there, Santana would smile and laugh with her, sitting practically in her lap while they studied new sheet music. She'd even dance with Brittany during songs sometimes, her eyes shining, pure happiness radiating out of her. It was Brittany's favorite part of the day and she secretly hoped it it was Santana's favorite part too.
Both girls were yet to have a solo, but it was clear Santana could sing. She delighted in showing off just before rehearsal started, declaring her raspy tones too hot for this small time club. This usually earned her a look of contempt from Rachel Berry which she was always happy to return.
Brittany was too shy to sing by herself at all. Mr Schue was always trying to encourage her, but she didn't want to talk to him right now because he told her he didn't know all the words to The Rainbow Connection and that just wasn't Muppet.
The drawback to Glee club was that it made them more conspicuous, and not in a good way. As Cheerios, they'd been untouchable, but Glee club worked against that, getting them noticed and judged for their bold choice in being seen with losers. Brittany had previously gone unnoticed by almost everyone for the most part, living in Santana's shadow.
Everyone assumed that they hung out together because they were similar. Every experience Santana had, every date she went on actually went twofold because every time Santana was sighted making out with someone in a dark corner of a cinema, it was assumed that Brittany was elsewhere doing the same thing. People always assumed, and filled in the blanks of their minds the way they wanted to. In actual fact, Brittany was more likely spending her Friday nights watching One Tree Hill with Lord T and Senor S. It wasn't Sweet Valley High, but she was hooked anyway.
Because of Glee, Brittany suddenly found herself suddenly under more scrutiny, especially when Santana wasn't with her. At the same time, she was finding classes more difficult, especially English. Now they were in the higher grades, Santana didn't have as much time to translate their homework assignments into Brittany-friendly language. She barely had enough time to get her own done. The best she could do was to let Brittany watch her do hers.
They had always held hands while doing their homework together. They would cram themselves into one chair at Santana's desk and sit side by side, taking advantage of the fact that Santana happened to be left-handed, and Brittany right-handed. If Brittany sat on Santana's right side, then they could hold hands between them and still write at the same time. They'd done it this way since they were kids, but now holding Brittany's hand had suddenly taken on another purpose altogether for Santana. If she forgot to tether her, Brittany would forget to keep watching how Santana answered homework questions or structured her essays.
These days she was losing all focus more frequently, and forgetting what she was supposed to be doing. When that happened, she would get up and wander around the room looking at Santana's things or flop down on the bed dangling her feet in the air and she would try to start up a conversation about anything from bunnies to Mr Kidney, their janitor at school. It was easier to just keep her tethered, and it wasn't like Santana minded getting to have her that close, the worst part was when she finally had to let go.
Brittany was finding that the ever increasing workload with the huge variety of topics wasn't working for her. When something didn't interest her, it seemed impossible to focus and learn pages of information on it. In contrast, when she was fascinated by something, Santana had to actually force her to stop working on it, which was easier said than done. When Brittany liked something, she'd spend hours finding out everything there is to know about it, often staying up into the night to read about the subject by torchlight, sending Santana informative texts at all hours of the morning.
But when it came to subjects she didn't like, Santana had to be creative in her ways to get Brittany to keep still. During one really difficult essay on the Reformation, Santana had called Brittany over and got her to sit between her legs, pinning her there and keeping one arm around her waist while she wrote. Brittany really wanted to focus, but it was like something was barring her from it. Santana could see how hard she was trying, though it pained her to watch her friend run her hand up and down the pages trying to take it in. It pained her even more to know that after Santana left, that was when Brittany would have to try to start and finish her own essay. Santana wished she had the time to stay and help her do her own. She also wished that Brittany's abilities would even out a bit. Last week she'd managed to recite to her the history and evolution of dance and how they differed in other countries in great detail, but when they came to talking about Ancient Mesopotamia for another class, Brittany just looked at her blankly.
Santana was getting a reputation a the 'smart slut' and Brittany was fast becoming the 'dumb slut'. The later term when applied to Brittany, made Santana see red. She hated people calling Brittany that more than anything.
Today, Brittany had written a short story to hand in based on the novel they were reading in class, Shakespeare's Othello. She was desperately hoping she would finally get that elusive C minus. The teacher had failed every piece of work she'd written this year, even though she'd written it with a boring old black pen instead of her crayons. She was sure she'd done it right this time because her teacher had said she wanted her to write a 'different interpretation' of the text and Brittany had worked hard on it. She'd written a scene from the perspective of a cat, translating the Shakespearian world into a feline one.
Brittany clutched her paper to her chest, bouncing on her feet, waiting in line for their teacher to grade it. When it was her turn, her teacher skimmed it, taking a lot less time than she had on the other papers. She graded it almost instantly, putting a large red F in the corner.
"Why?" Brittany asked in a small voice.
The teacher shook her head, she wasn't going to bother with a girl like this. "Sit down, Brittany," she said.
Brittany did, but she put her head on her desk for the rest of the lesson. The other students snickered. Brittany had to be the only one who had a perfect academic record of getting Fs. Brittany felt their stares on her and felt ashamed, and at least two times more conspicuous than usual. She wondered if maybe it was because had suddenly grown bigger than everyone else in the room like Alice in that Disney movie, Alice in Wonderland. Obviously her brain hadn't grown with her though, it had clearly shrunk. She didn't remember having this much trouble in school ever before.
After class during break, some of the Brittany's classmates were talking about Brittany's latest F. Their only mistake was that it happened to be in earshot of Santana, who was scouring the cafeteria for something that looked vaguely edible.
"That girl Brittany? She's the dumbest person in our grade," Finn Hudson said, "and I'm not the brightest one of the bunch, but she's something else."
Before he knew it, he was being slammed up against the wall by a tiny person with jet black hair who was surprisingly strong.
Santana was breathing hard as she regarded him coldly. She'd been seeing a lot more of him now that they were in Glee Club together and he was hardly someone she wanted in her face.
"You just insulted my girl Brittany. I assume you don't like your balls anymore because I'm about to cut them off and feed them to you."
He gulped. "Come on," he tried to reason with her, "she does say some really stupid things sometimes."
Santana exhaled once, and then slammed him against the wall again. Her eyes were calm and seared through his.
"If I ever hear you say anything like that ever again…," she warned.
"You'll what, you'll beat me up?" He couldn't help a bubble of laughter that burst out of his throat. She was so little, what did she really think she could do to him?
Santana clasped her hands around his throat, smiling as his eyes bulged out and his face turned red. She clawed at his neck with her long nails until she had drawn blood.
"No Chubbalito, you useless hulking posterboy of the worlds fattest Bovini tribe. If you bully her again, or if you try to ruin her in any way…then make no mistake I…," she pressed her fingers into his jugular vein threateningly, "I will kill you."
Leaving him, Santana ran off to find Brittany, her lunch forgotten. She looked in all her usual haunts, the janitor's closet, under the bleachers and in any other tight spaces she could find. Brittany was always a hard person to locate because she was the sort of girl who could be anywhere, she could have even easily crawled under any of the teacher's desks to hide out. Maybe she had found a new tiny space in a corner between the wall and the lockers. Santana sighed, she knew she would never find her then.
She spotted her by accident in Miss Pillsbury's office. She barged her way in, ready to put an end to any harassment by this ginger ninja who had evidently managed to somehow lure Brittany here without Santana's permission, but halted in front of them when Miss Pillsbury put up a hand.
"This is a private conversation, Santana," Miss Pillsbury said firmly.
Santana looked at Brittany, wondering if she'd really want her to leave. Brittany's chin wobbled, but she stepped closer and curled herself into Santana's side. That was all the confirmation Santana needed.
"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered to her, speaking up to inform Mrs Pillsbury that she didn't listen to aspiring orange marmosets and that it was Brittany's choice as to whether she left or stayed.
Miss Pillsbury sighed, "Brittany, do you mind if she stays?"
Brittany shook her head, viciously going from side to side. Santana's eyes narrowed. Brittany had gone mute again, obviously she was either upset about whatever had happened in class this morning, or Miss Pillsbury had said something to upset her. Or both.
"Well, Santana this is the second session I've had with Brittany, in the first we discussed her condition, which I am sure you're aware of."
Of course Santana was aware of it, but she wasn't sure how Miss Pillsbury knew. It could only have been that damn Mrs Pierce. Santana wasn't fond of the woman who had made their lives so difficult over the past few years. She was also becoming less fond of Miss Pillsbury by the minute, and it's not like she'd liked her much to start with, even before she'd started having these secret sessions with her best friend.
Santana interrupted her. "No YOU would have discussed it. Brittany doesn't like to talk about it. Leave her alone. And if you tell anyone, I will ends you."
Brittany tried to smile at her gratefully but it didn't come out right. It was sort of like the time she'd twisted her ankle and couldn't use it to pull off her ballet moves properly, except instead of her ankle it was like she'd injured her heart and she couldn't use it to make herself smile right now.
Santana was talking like one of the tough black kids in her neighborhood again. Brittany thought it made her sound funny, but at the same time it definitely made people back off. It was also funny how Santana's 'bad neighborhood' on the 'bad side' of town was barely a few blocks from her own home. Small towns just don't have a whole lot of town, she thought, trying to imagine a perfect map to Santana's house, complete with all landmarks marked. She'd do anything to distract herself from this conversation. She'd do anything to stop Miss Pillsbury referring to her like she was sick and had 'a condition.'
Mrs Pillsbury blinked, stunned by Santana's fierceness, her enormous eyes seeming to fill up the whole space. Santana was right. She recalled her previous session trying to help the blonde, and how unwilling she'd been to talk about her disorder.
"Look Brittany, here's the autism spectrum," Miss Pillsbury said getting out a rainbow colored ruler to demonstrate.
"Everyone's on it. There's you, me, your class, Mr Schuester, everyone. We're all here somewhere. Everyone has the same traits as you, it's just you have more of them and your behaviors are strong enough for a diagnosis, while theirs aren't."
"Here's you," she said pointing over at the right side of the rainbow where the colors started to get blue.
"Here's me," she then pointed at the red zone on the left, "some people are much further into this blue area than you Brittany, you are quite high functioning."
"Where's Santana," Brittany whispered, mesmerized by all the colors.
"She's over here in the red zone with me," Miss Pillsbury said gently, putting her finger on the color to demonstrate.
"No." Brittany said simply.
"What?"
"You're wrong about me. This is where I am too." She put her finger on top of Miss Pillsbury. "I'm right here. With Santana. The same," she said fiercely.
Miss Pillsbury felt the need to reassure both the girls standing in front of her. In spite of her harsh words, Santana had seemed terrified that other people would find out about Brittany's disorder, and Brittany herself had stepped back and was now standing slightly behind her, cowering and pressing herself into Santana's shoulder.
Santana slipped her hand into Brittany's, neither of them even looking down to complete the handhold. It was like second nature to them, Miss Pillsbury mused. They have such total awareness of the location of each other's bodies. She briefly wondered what they'd been through together and took pity on them. In the past she had often shared what she'd learned in counseling sessions with Will and some of the other staff. But, this time she wouldn't share anything she had learned about these girls, and instead she would set their mind at ease.
"Of course I won't, there is such thing as patient confidentiality Santana, and my knowledge of Brittany's disorder will not leave this room," she finally said, planning to stick to it for once. "Anyway, that's not why I've called her here now, Santana. She's actually here about the bird in her locker."
"What bird?" Santana asked innocently, hoping her wide-eyed expression (which right now was surely rivaling Miss Pillsbury's own huge blinking headlights) would fool the woman.
Brittany had already told her many, many times about the egg she was hatching in her locker. Evidently, it must have hatched. Earlier in the week Brittany had found what she suspected was a goose egg in the woods, and she'd given it to the ducks to raise but they hadn't taken to it. Upset, Brittany had claimed it back, raging angrily at the ducks for not accepting it.
Brittany had shook her fist at the pond full of birds, and with one arm still cradling the egg she'd recited to them the story of 'the ugly duckling,' informing them that they'd all be sorry when this baby was hatched and grown and 'out of progress' and more beautiful than all of them.
Santana stood a distance back just watching her, unable to remind her that in the story, the 'ugly ducking' had been a swan, not a common goose. She'd just watched her friend coo to the egg as if it could hear her and she let Brittany have her moment. Brittany knew what it felt like to be the only goose in a pond full of ducks.
The blonde girl's rage hadn't lasted long though. Twenty minutes later, the ducks were forgiven, she could never have stayed mad at them long, just like she never seemed to be able to stay mad at Santana.
"We heard a noise and then found a newborn gosling in Brittany's locker and we're hoping that this situation never happens again," Miss Pillsbury revealed.
Santana shot a grin at her friend. Brittany should be proud that she'd hatched it. She'd carried the egg around in a baby sling sometimes when she wasn't at school, and had excitedly told Santana all the things they were going to do together as a family when it hatched. Brittany was sure it was going to be a girl goose. Santana wondered what Miss Pillsbury had thought of the fuzzy pink nest she'd turned her locker into.
Brittany wasn't smiling back. She was still staring at her feet. She seemed to have shrunk and closed in on herself.
"Obviously we have removed the bird and sent it to the proper animal authorities."
Ohhh, Santana thought. This must be why Brittany was so upset. Maybe she misses the bird? She did raise it after all. She wanted Santana and herself to be the first ones the goose saw, because that way, the goose would always follow them and know them as family. What a pity the adults got there first.
"Principal Figgins has given you one more chance. But if this happens again we will consider suspension." Her voice became more gentle. "Look, Brittany I know you didn't mean any harm, and your condition causes you to make some odd choices, but you can't have live animals in your locker. It's as simple as that."
"We'd already sorted out holes so she could breathe in there in case she hatched!" Santana defended her, before she could stop herself. She clapped a hand over her mouth. She hadn't meant to give away her innocence.
"There are no animals allowed on school property," Miss Pillsbury droned.
"Stupid rule then, dragonfly eyes," Santana muttered.
"And you Santana, if you are involved, and if there is a next time, then you will be suspended too," Miss Pillsbury finished, standing up to leave. "Look, if you two want to compose yourselves in here before your next class, then that's fine."
"No," Santana said, unable to stand the fact that everyone could see them through the glass door. "We're fine. Come on Brittany."
She grabbed Brittany's hand and pulled her out the door. Brittany stumbled after her, focusing on putting one foot after the other.
Santana didn't stop until they reached the janitors closet. She opened the door with one hand and pushed Brittany inside with the other. Brittany sank down to the floor the other side of the room, leaning against the wall, resting her head sideways on her knees which were drawn up to her chin.
"There. I'm sorry for being so rough," Santana apologized, "I had to get us in here before anybody saw us."
Brittany said nothing. Her hands shook in front of her where they were resting at her ankles.
"Is this about the goose?" Santana asked.
Brittany wrung her hands.
Santana nodded, that was Brittany speak for 'yes and no'. Obviously something had happened before the goose as well, Brittany could only take so much.
"What happened in class?" Santana asked her gently, handing her a notebook and a pen for her to write in instead of speaking. She didn't expect her to be able to speak. Once she shut down it usually lasted a while.
Brittany set the notebook down beside her and instead reached into her pocket with trembling hands and found her short story which was crumpled into a ball. She handed it to Santana. Santana winced at the sight of the F, but sat down beside her to read it.
When she'd reached the end she told Brittany sincerely, "this is great Britts. It's super creative and stuff. I would never have thought to have turned these characters into cats. But you're right, they can be very jealous animals sometimes, just like they're all 'green eyed monsters.' It was a great choice to explore the theme of jealousy in the play and I liked how you humanized the cats without making them lose their feline traits completely."
Brittany finally picked up the notepad and wrote, I got my inspiration from Animal Farm.
"There you see! I love that book too. George Orwell is a genius. Just like you."
Brittany just pointed at the F in the corner.
"Britts, you're smart okay. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. This F doesn't prove anything, other than the fact that one teacher is not creative enough to understand how your mind works. It just means that she has a set idea about how she wants things to be. In fact, good grades at school often only really mean one thing- that you can figure out what your teacher wants you to do and do it. You can't do that, sweetie. You aren't going to be able to sit in class, always realizing where the teachers are coming from so you can endlessly suck up to them and do everything the way they like it. Because you know what? That's pretty much what the rest of us always shamelessly end up doing. But who says that's real intelligence? That's just… mindreading. Cheating almost."
Santana paused for breath. "You've done your own thing and you've thought outside the box, and what's more, you've done it well. You're a genius Brittany," Santana repeated, "I mean it. And one stupid English teacher's opinion of you isn't going to change that."
Brittany reached for another note in her pocket and pulled it out. It was clearly a note that had been passed to her in class. It looked like it was written by a girl, unless one of the guys in their class had starting doing hearts to dot their letter i's.
It read, Why are you so stupid?
"Oh Brittany," Santana said tenderly, tearing it into tiny pieces then and there, right in front of her.
Brittany pulled out the notebook again and wrote furiously. Why doesn't anybody else see me like you do? Why? She underlined it three times. What if I don't graduate because I can't figure out how to stop getting Fs? Why did they take our bird away? Why won't Miss Pillsbury stop saying I'm different. What if everyone is right and we're wrong?
A sob escaped from Santana's throat before she could stop herself. It wasn't fair that Brittany always had it so hard. It wasn't fair that Brittany didn't understand why she had it so hard either.
Brittany's eyes met hers, she looked horrified. She wondered what she had done just now that had been so mean that it had made Santana cry.
Santana patted her knee, reading her mind, "I'm not crying because you've been mean, Brittany, you didn't make me cry. I'm crying because I'm the only one in the world that knows how hard it is to be you. And you won't cry about it, you never cry at all. So I'm crying instead. I'm crying for you."
Santana could hear Brittany's heart thumping a million miles a minute. She shifted closer to her so their knees were touching. Brittany's face had gone pale, and she seemed to be having trouble breathing. Santana pushed on Brittany's knees and slowly, Brittany lowered her legs so they were flat on the ground. Santana laid her head on Brittany's chest, listening to her heartbeat. It was so loud, that she feared it would beat all the way out of her chest. Santana had already felt Brittany's heart beating that fast back in Miss Pillsbury's office. Brittany had been behind her then, leaning into her and Santana had practically felt Brittany's heartbeat come through the back of her shoulder. Being in a state of panic for this long couldn't be good for her. Santana knew she needed to calm her down somehow.
"Hold onto me, Britt," Santana said, tears still pooling in her eyes. It always helped when Brittany had a hold of something.
Brittany circled her arms around her, holding on tight.
"Please cry, B. When you hold back all your tears inside, you hold everything inside and things just get stuck and you don't get any better. I don't want to not hear your voice all week because you can't speak. It's just us here. I don't mind how long you cry for. I don't mind if you can't stop." Santana wasn't sure, but it had been at least six years since she'd last seen Brittany cry.
She vaguely remembered the last time. It wasn't like watching Quinn cry, or even what it must be like for Brittany watching Santana cry.
When Brittany got upset when she was little, and if she got really worked up, she'd just completely lose control. She was never violent, but she would fall to the floor as if she couldn't hold her limbs up anymore and she'd scream as if she'd lost all control of her voice. It went on forever, and it took her hours to look and feel like Brittany again.
Santana recalled the worst time. They had only been nine years old and she'd never found out what Quinn and her friends had said or done to her, but it had sent Brittany into the worst state she had ever seen her in yet. She'd found her beneath the monkey bars, hitting her head against the ground repeatedly, all life devoid from her eyes. Santana had then had to drive away a whole crowd of people who were too freaking curious for their own good. Then she'd forced Brittany's floppy limbs into a sitting position, holding her up so she couldn't hurt herself. Brittany hadn't remembered it afterwards, but the self loathing on her face hearing Santana's side later on, had been such a strange expression on her young freckled face, though it was not unlike what Santana saw every time she looked at herself in the mirror.
Santana knew it was because of her that Brittany had vowed never to lose control like that ever again. Since that time when Santana had been stupid enough to tell her how scared she'd been that day and made things worse, Brittany had held everything inside for her. She knew that Brittany would go to any length to keep whatever took her over in those times inside, and if that meant never speaking or crying, so be it. Brittany knew she couldn't get to that point of no return, if she never started at all.
Santana wished now that she had never said anything all those years ago. She couldn't deny it, those few times of their childhood had scared her, but it scared her even more now to see this reclusive, pale and shivering version of Brittany, unable to say even a single word. She'd take any sort of meltdown over this. It would be so much better to deal with a few of Brittany's long crying sessions a year, even if one or two or them got as bad as that day on the playground, than it was to have her completely withdraw like this every time she was upset.
"Please, Britt," Santana sobbed. This is all my fault. Everything is always my fault, she thought. "Please trust me. I can handle this."
Like a dam inside her had finally burst, Brittany cried. She buried her head in Santana's hair and sobbed until she had no tears left, feeling like she was an ice cube, dissolving into liquid.
It went on for a long time, neither girl was sure how long. As they clung to each other in the dark room they both completely lost track of even the concept of time. Santana's foot eventually fell asleep but she didn't move a muscle, she just let Brittany cry. The whole time, Brittany couldn't have stopped her tears even if she'd wanted to. But, it didn't matter because things had changed. She didn't find herself screaming and forgetting where she was. She stayed here, in the present, with enough control in her body to clutch Santana tightly. She was bigger now, stronger. She swore to herself she wasn't at the mercy of any 'condition' anymore, like Miss Pillsbury thought she was. While her tears still went on forever and she couldn't help that, for the most part, Brittany felt like she finally had gained control of her emotions and her body. Getting sad didn't have to be so scary anymore. She felt an overwhelming sense of relief and calm.
"You're not stupid Brittany." Santana murmured, finally hearing the other girl's heart start to slow down.
'Okay,' Brittany said, testing her voice and finding it was once again free.
Santana wouldn't have heard it if Brittany's voice wasn't so close to her ear. She threw her arms around her. "You see? Now I get to hear your beautiful voice again. Keep talking!" She giggled when her lips vibrated against Brittany's body as she spoke.
"Santana," Brittany whispered again.
Santana gave her a squeeze around the middle to encourage her. Her hair flopped into her face from her enthusiasm. She pressed her head even closer to Brittany's chest, not caring enough to brush her hair from her eyes just now.
"I love you Santana," Brittany said softly.
Santana's face fell and she lifted her head up slowly."Keep talking," her voice cracked, "just don't say that. Please. Just… don't say that."
This week in Glee club was 'Vulnerability Week'. Brittany looked over at Santana who was practically permanently stage eye rolling her eyes, evidently trying to get across how stupid she found this theme. Brittany hoped her eyes didn't come unstuck and accidently roll all the way back into her head.
Rachel had already sung Memory from Cats and several other dramatic numbers from some other musicals that nobody had ever heard of. Brittany had clapped with the others but Santana had put her nose in the air, even though she was secretly impressed by how easy Rachel found it to put everything inside her on show like that. There was no way Santana was gonna get up and sing. Brittany had begged her to, and Santana had snapped at her because this pushing thing was becoming a reoccurring thing with her.
Even since they had cried in the janitor's closet together, Brittany had hoped that maybe things might change. They were getting closer behind closed doors, and Santana was becoming more open with her when it was just the two of them, but she wasn't letting other people in. Brittany wished that she knew that she could trust other people at school too. She wanted everyone to love her friend like she did, and she wanted to get to have her Santana when they were in public, rather than just having Snix there all the time.
But, if anything, lately Santana seemed to have taken a step backwards, retreating back into her shell. Brittany had seen Santana in the hall earlier, talking to Puck, and what she'd heard had made her sad.
"Yo Puck. You want to come over to mine Friday night right? There's a couple of other guys coming over too," she said airily whipping out her phone and scrolling through her address book, "I've got a new move I wants to try out, I call it the 'Red Sided Garter Snake' copyright Santana Lopez. Basically they're all gonna get in a pile on top of each other and make out with me, and whoever holds out the longest can get their poisonous snake on. But if you steal me some bling I'll probably pick you regardless of whether you can handle this or not."
Brittany sighed. Santana just seemed determined to make herself more and more unhappy. She didn't know what to think of Puck. She'd known him forever but she had never understood him. He didn't seem like any old raccoon, he seemed different, but Brittany couldn't figure out how. Maybe he was better, maybe he was even worse. All she was sure about was that he was starting to hang around them most often now.
According to Santana, he looked good on her arm. Apparently, he looked good in her bed too. Brittany wished she knew what Santana really wanted. She wished she knew what would really make her happy.
Santana had refused to talk to Brittany about her first time and that night they'd spent together ever again. All she wanted to talk about was how she'd been trying out her new principle of 'get some, get gone'.
"We're young, it's all about having fun. We're just two people passing through life, briefly making each others lives more interesting. Why fight that? As soon as you add feelings you add unnecessary drama which no one needs."
Most of the time, Santana was back to pretending feelings didn't exist. She was like a yo-yo, up and down, here and there and all over the place. Brittany missed the raw, open and honest girl that she got so few glimpses of so badly that her whole body ached for her. She thought maybe if she tried hard enough, she could find a way to bring that Santana back more often.
Wanting to bring her back was why she agreed to sing a solo at their next Glee club meeting. Maybe if Brittany made the best of 'Vulnerability Week' and showed everyone how vulnerable she could be, maybe Santana would too.
Santana had no idea why Brittany was suddenly fighting that obnoxious Berry for the limelight. Only last week, Brittany's knees had practically shook in fear when Mr Schuester had tried to persuade her to sing in front of everyone.
Now, apparently she was going to do a solo.
Santana had tried to talk her out of it, telling Brittany she didn't have to. She even said she would kick Mr Schuester's ass, teacher or not, if he was pressuring her.
Brittany had stood firm though. She knew she had to do this to teach Santana it was okay to share feelings. She'd spent all night trying to come up with the right song that was about an issue she felt really strongly about that made her really sad. She wanted a song that she truly identified with, and a song that made her really emotional.
When Mr Schuester entered the room at the start of Glee club, Brittany jumped up, "I'm ready," she announced even though Santana grabbed the bottom of her skirt, trying to pull her back down.
"Okay, Brittany… go for it," he said encouragingly.
"Go for what?" she asked.
"Um… just start singing your song. Brad will back you up on keyboard and Finn… go and give her a beat on the drums."
"Okay," Brittany took a deep breath and wet her lips, trying to pretend that she wasn't about to sing in front of a whole group of people.
Santana was staring at her curiously, like she was unpredictable, which was strange because Brittany thought she had to be the most predictable person in the world. She always ate exactly the same thing for breakfast even. It was Santana who was confusing, and she was never predictable and she almost never had the same thing for breakfast.
Brittany bit her lip. It was now or never.
"This is the saddest song I know. Everybody deserves to be loved and it's not fair because not everybody has someone who cares for them and hugs them so they feel safe and happy," she said and she cleared her throat and began, pretending that there was nobody there except Santana.
I love cats
I love every kind of cat
I just want to hug all of them
But I can't
She threw her hands in the air dramatically, doing an impression of Rachel.
Can't hug every cat
She started swaying to the beat, her love of dance beginning to kick in and making her want to move.
Can't hug every cat
The whole glee club was staring at her, eyes wide. Finn was having trouble remembering to keep up with the drums. Santana had a lazy half smile on her face and was kind of nodding along and moving her shoulders back and forward to the beat, enjoying it.
So anyway
I am a cat lover and I love to run
I'm sorry, I'm thinking about cats again
I really lo-ove cats
I'm thinking about cats again
And again, and again, and again, and again
I think about how many don't have a home
She teared up at that part like she always did.
And how I should have them
I think about how cute they are
And how their ears
And the whiskers and the nose
I just love them
And I want them
And I want them in a basket
And I want little bow ties
The Glee club were starting to snicker now, and Santana had stopped smiling and was glaring around at them, trying to get them to shut up, but for once they were completely ignoring her. Tina had her face buried in her hands and Quinn looked like all her birthdays had come at once. Finn was side-eying Santana warily, too afraid to look amused.
I just love them
And I want them
To be on a rainbow and in my bed
And I just want us to roll around (to roll around, round, round, round)
Artie let out a loud snort and tried to turn it into a cough.
Sorry, I'm getting emotional
Brittany wiped away a tear in her eye. This was just so sad she thought. It was a dream for a better future and such an inspiring song.
I love cats
I love every kind of cat
I just want to hug all of them
But I can't
Can't hug every cat
Can't hug every cat
All the boys were now up on their feet, except Artie who was rolling backwards and forwards. Everyone was dancing and mimicking Brittany, enjoying a laugh at her expense. Quinn was leading them and they were forming a conga line around the room. Santana was furiously hissing to everyone that she was gonna go all kinds of Lima Heights on them like never before if they didn't shut up, and Mr Schuester was waving his arms at them, trying to contain the room before Brittany realized what was going on. She had kept her eyes closed for three quarters of the song, partly from nerves and partly from trying to feel the song better. She had been so involved in the music that she was completely unaware of the commotion going on around her.
So anyway
I am a cat lover and I love to run
I'm sorry, I'm thinking about cats again
I really lo-ove cats
But I can't hug every cat
Can't hug every cat
Can't hug every cat
Brittany finished and looked around the room and was immediately pleased to see tears coming from everyone's eyes. They were all crying over my song!
Santana wasn't crying though, she looked pissed off and was charging at people trying to force them back in her seats, but they weren't budging. Santana was the one Brittany wanted to affect the most and Brittany didn't understand why she'd be doing what she was doing right now instead of crying with the others.
Her eyes widened when she realized that there were also shouts of laughter filling up the room. It's not sad tears, she thought. Maybe it's laughing tears. Santana and Brittany had laughed so hard together they had cried many times. Is that what's really happening now, Brittany wondered. Why are they all laughing at my sad song?
"Did you guys want to hear the one about the poor duck who couldn't get any grapes and always had to waddle away instead?" she asked hopefully. It was totally sad when you never got what you wanted, no matter how many times you tried to get it, she thought.
Her question brought on a room full of absolute hysteria. Rachel and Tina were now freely choking with laughter, tears streaming down their cheeks. Artie was still grooving to the music even though it had finished a good five minutes ago, with a huge smirk on his face. Quinn was leading a discussion about how Brittany was so going to end up a cat lady.
Mr Schuester realized it was pointless. Giving up completely on restoring order to his class, he instead just sternly told everyone to leave. They all picked themselves off the floor and Santana angrily escorted them out, telling each one in turn that they were now on her list.
"When the heights comes, you won't be laughing," Santana thundered, "when you turn your back and drop your guard that's when. That's WHEN."
Mr Schuester told Santana to go as well, because he wanted to talk to Brittany alone, so the angry girl stormed out, throwing a concerned look over her shoulder in Brittany's direction. She knew she'd come back inside after she'd taught these clowns a lesson.
"I'm sorry about that, Brittany," Mr Schuester said, seeing she was near tears.
"It's okay, I hate when people laugh at me when I'm being serious, It happens a lot but I try to pretend it's not happening. I pretend that my skin is super thick and bad things can't get inside. But it still gets to me anyway," Brittany said, her chin quivering.
"You know Brittany, they only laughed because I know that song didn't show them the true you."
"It … didn't?" She asked.
"No. Because I know you can dig deeper than that song. How did it feel to see them laughing at you and making fun of you?" he asked her carefully.
Brittany frowned, "It makes me sad."
"And what else," he prodded, hoping she could elaborate.
"I don't know," she admitted.
He paused for a moment.
"And how do you feel about Santana?" he asked knowingly. He had eyes. He had seen the way those two were with each other. He had seen how they worked hard to put things in front of their hands to cover up handholds. He'd seen how Brittany was always staring at Santana even when he split them up into opposite teams.
Santana was better at hiding her feelings, but even today, he actually feared for the rest of his kid's lives with the way she was angrily defending Brittany. Maybe he shouldn't have sent her outside, or maybe she should have at least told the others to run. It was safe to say, something was going on with that pair.
"She's my best friend," she said, "I think I love her."
"Yes, but how do you feel? What is it you love?"
Brittany looked at her shoes, and then at his shoes. They were black and shiny and professional, compared to her cute little ballet flats.
"I don't know, Mr Schue," she answered truthfully, her feelings seeming way too big to ever articulate into words and break down into reasons.
"Okay," he tilted her chin up, and to her credit she held his gaze for a few seconds before it got too much and she dropped her eyes down again, "that's what you need to figure out. And when you do I want you to sing to us again. I know you've got a big heart Brittany, I want to see it some day. I'm pretty sure it will blow us all away."
"Santana has a big heart too, it's just she won't show hers."
"Well," he smiled, "maybe if you learn how to show yours, she'll feel more comfortable allowing us to see hers."
Brittany smiled back, "That's what I thought! I hope so, thanks Mr Schue."
"Anytime Brittany."
3 Things:
1. In real life I read a "very sad" poem for English class and yes I picked one about a cat, but it's Glee so why not do a song instead? To listen to Brittany's song… actually I don't think it would be a good idea to post the proper link so just go to you tube and then after the dotcom part put this: /watch?v=CheBneJ9HmA
I linked you to a cover, not the original, because Brittany would have done it more like this cover. :)
2. Teachers at school really don't know everything. Don't get me wrong, there are some amazing awe inspiring teachers out there, but then there are others that have held able people back from going forward to college or wherever they want to go. Sometimes, those red F's seriously need to be taken with a grain of salt. I was so mad when they didn't let Brittany graduate on the show! She could have found her way around the school system like I did in the end.
3. I really did raise a lost baby bird on school property. I never put him in my locker though.
Oh and being a left hander in love with a right hander, definitely has its benefits, take it from me :P "Santana's" not left handed though, I am. So I always sat on the left when we did homework together, not the right. :)
Next up is the chapter I've been waiting to share since the beginning... I'm already excited!