Oh no. It's him, the one I've been trying to avoid all morning. Peter. He notices me and smiles evilly at me.
"Can't get enough of me can you?" He smiles at me while his eyes have a threatening look of hunger in them. This can't be good. I just avoid eye contact and try to walk away. He walks I front of me and stops abruptly, causing me to run into him. "I'm going to pick you up at 7:00 tonight, better be ready in something nice."
"I uh actually have a boyfriend and don't really want to, so thanks but no thanks." I say trying to be as nice as I can.
"That hasn't stopped any one." He winks at me taking one step forward confidently. This gets me totally enraged. Something snaps in me while I take a step back, distancing myself from him.
"I'm done trying to be nice to you! Leave me alone! I don't want to go on a stupid ass date with a scumbag like your self so just back off!" Tears threaten to spill over, they aren't the kind of tears that come from sadness though, but the kind from pure anger. He steps back putting his hands up defensively.
"Fine wow, ok." He starts walking away and I do too before I hear him mumble loud enough for me to hear. "You're gunna regret that sweetheart." Oh shit. My heart starts to beat out of my chest, my hands and feet go numb, and all I can think is. Run. So that's what I do, I run and run, my backpack slowing me down, but not by much. I don't run to school, or home, I just run aimlessly. I finally arrive at the park near the school, only a block or two away. I walk around looking at things and catch my breath. Dammit I have to be at school in 10 minutes. I get up and run again, this time to school, so much for being early. While I was running a few tears spilled over leaving very faint mascara lines on my cheeks. I try to rub them away but they won't budge, so I just give up. There it is, the school. I don't want to be here today, I wanna be at home, sleeping. Safe. Tobias is waiting outside, a worried look shadowing his face. I walk up to him, his worried face going away when he sees me from afar, only to return when he sees my face and tear stained cheeks. I completely forget he was going to show me something, and apparently so does he.
"Oh Bea what happened? Why were you crying? Who did this to you? Who do I have to kill?" Tobias gets more and more angry and I know I have to stop him before he acts before he thinks.
"Tobias," my voice cracks. I clear my throat and begin to talk again. "Let it go… Please… I'll tell you later… when we are alone and have more than 5 minutes." I give him a pleading look and his eyes soften. He takes a step toward me and wraps his arms around me in one swift motion.
"Do you promise you will? I hate seeing you so damn upset, it kills me." I take a step back and look into his eyes. His deep blue eyes, as deep as the ocean, as big as the galaxy, fit into the small oval shape that is his eye. I don't trust myself to speak so I just nod. I look down at my feet, then at the door. My mind is yelling at me, and staying completely quite at the same time. I'm at a war with myself and I'm losing. Tobias and I start walking towards the building that has the name of a school, but is truly a prison. The classrooms are the jail cells, the teachers are the prison guards… and all of us unlucky children, well we are the prisoners, being forced to do things we don't want to do. I walk to each class mechanically, just going through the motions. Science, stupid. Math, boring. Art, amazing. Gym, even better. Lunch, not hungry. AP language, terrible. Language arts, so boring. Social studies, sucked. I walk to my locker and put my books and stuff in my backpack. I don't want to go home, I don't want to go to the coffee shop, and I certainly don't want to go anywhere with Tobias right now because he's going to make me talk about what happened and I really don't want to talk about it. I walk to the park that I ran to this morning.
While I was there this morning, I found this little cave right next to this river that is hidden almost completely by bushes and trees. The only reason I found it was because I was walking around for a few minutes before I checked my phone, and I saw these beautiful bushes. The flowers growing on them were so extravagant and elegant. I was looking at the bush and went to the back to see if there were any on the back. I pushed the big green bush away and it opened up into a little cave, big enough for two grown, 6 foot muscle men. I stepped back, letting the bush swing back and admired how it was hidden so well. By this time I checked my phone, checking the time and my face, rubbing my cheeks, then walking to school. Since I just arrived again, I go to the cave thing and examine the flowers once again, picking some off. My flower collection is getting to big for one hand so I stop. I pull the bush back and step inside, letting go of the bush. I am immediately engulfed in darkness. This darkness is different from any other darkness I've ever experienced. It's comfortable. It's not the kind of darkness where you want to curl up in a ball and hide because you feel like if you move, something will get you. This kind of darkness is welcoming, it's like it's talking to me saying 'I won't hurt you like everyone and everything else, I will only love you and let you live in peace. I won't let you go baby, your safe with me.' I take out my phone to check the time and text my mom.
'Hey, I'm at the park by the school, I'll be home later tonight.'
'Okay. Are you okay sweetie?'
'Yeah, just have a lot on my mind is all. I'll be fine :)'
Do you ever have those times when you're texting someone while crying, hoping your sadness and pain won't spill out through your word usage. This moment is a time like that. I'm on the brink of tears but I can't let anyone see me. I have to be strong… I have to be brave.
I spend hours there in that little cave, letting my thoughts change and move. When my thoughts and ideas change, so do my emotions. One minute I'm crying my eyes out, mascara and eye liner lining my cheeks with a black line of coal, the next I'm smiling and laughing at old memories or dreams. Each thought bringing a new one to either accompany it or make it abandon my mind. I get my phone out, my mind landed on a thought of my home and my mom. When I check the time it reads '6:37'. damn it. I get up, crouching slightly in the cave, and prepare myself for the brightness that is the outside world. I pull the bushes back and step out of the cave. One day I will have to bring Tobias with me, but not today. Today I get home and hide away in my room. Again.
I start walking forward, and turn slightly, still covered by the canopy of leaves and branches above me. I look in the camera and notice my cheeks have thick lines of black as dark as the bottom of an abyss running down them. I lick my finger and smudge it in an attempt to get it off. I quickly get the idea to take water from the river and wash my face. I slowly walk over to it, not wanting to draw to much attention. I cup my hands on the cold water and splash it on my face, careful not to get it on my clothes. I start to wipe the black away. I look in my camera, it's going away but I have to do it a few more times. Splash. Rub. Splash. Rub. I look once more. It's all gone, leaving my face makeup-less and red. I take the bottom of my shirt and pat my face dry. The only sign I have been crying recently is my red puffy cheeks and eyes. By the time I get home, it's died down enough that you would have to look really really close to see the red puffy-ness. My dad's probably out back smoking a cigarette, a new thing he started doing a few weeks ago. My mom, she's either in her room reading, on the couch reading, or out back with my dad reading. Her and her books. Connected forever. It's like she has this bond with the thin paper that has the ink slapped on it, like she can hear it, hear what it's really trying to say to her, the reader. It really is something else.
I take a step through the front door as quietly as I can, shutting the door slowly behind me. I put one lead foot in front of the other in an attempt of walking. I make it up stairs and into my room. I close my door and lock it. My hands are shaking and my vision is getting blurry with tears by the minute. I fall to my knees, my body shaking and my lungs begging for air. I'm getting suffocated by my own tears. My breath is shaking and I start hyperventilating. I tried keeping it in for so long. So damn long. Does anyone even care anymore? Who am I kidding, of course no one does, why would they like a stupid fat ugly slut like me. Would they care if I died? Would they even give two shits? Stupid question, I know the answer already, they wouldn't. I've been lying to myself all this time. Tobias only likes me because he knew the old me, and fell "in love" with her, but I've changed. I know now that if he didn't know me back then, he would only think of me as some sort of object to get something he wants. And the gang? They only "care" about me because I know Tobias. My parents are the only ones who care, and the only ones who will ever care. Sometimes though, your parents aren't enough, they can't relate to you like people your age could. My own brother doesn't even care about me. I'm pathetic. A worthless excuse of a human being. I am a burden to everyone around me, especially my parents. I should just leave and never come back. That would be so helpful to everyone I know. Then I could also escape from this hell I've been living in. Would it work? I wouldn't be able to do. I would be a coward and not go through with it. Maybe. I should try. Not right now, but another day, when no ones home, I'll get the rope and a chair and end it all. Relieve every one of the burden that is Beatrice Leanne Prior.
I hear a ringing in my ears, Ring... Ring... Ring... Right... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring. My phone! I take it out. 23 text messages from the gang, 17 of which from Tobias. 13 missed calls. 4 from Christina, 9 from Tobias. My tears start to dry, leaving my eyes burning and my cheeks red and puffy. I've moved from my floor to my bed, now surrounded by tons of blankets and pillows. I read the texts first.
1. Tobias: Hey, you ok?
2. Tobias: I didn't see you after school.
3. Tobias: You seemed really upset this morning.
4. Tobias: Tris?
5. Tobias: Hello?
6. Tobias: Are you ignoring me?
7. Tobias: What did I do?
8. Tobias: Bea?
9. Tobias: Are you mad at me Bea?
10. Tobias: Is that why your ignoring me?
11. Tobias: Please tell me what I did wrong I need to know so I can fix it. Please!
12. Tobias: Why won't you answer my calls? Are you ok?
13. Tobias: Not even Christina's calls?
14. Tobias: I don't even know what I did! Not even a clue!
15. Tobias: Beatrice Leanne Prior! What the hell!
16. Tobias: Answer me... Please
17. Tobias: I'm going to come over there and talk to you. I don't care if you like it or not!
18. Christina: Hey girl you ok? You seemed like your body was at school all day but you mind was somewhere else.
19. Christina: Four looks so terrible right now, I've never seen him so upset. He keeps pacing back and forth and won't listen to anyone. You need to talk to him somehow because if you don't I think he's gunna lose it.
20. Christina: Why won't you answer any of our calls? We love you sweetie and want to know if your all right!
21. Christina: Four just said he was gunna go over there so he's on his way.
22. Uriah: Tris, you ok? Big four here doesn't think so and he's about to throw someone off a cliff. I don't want to be thrown off a cliff!
23. Uriah: Dood Four's coming over there. He thinks you hate him right now.
Oh no. They think something's wrong... Well things are, but not like that. As if right on que, there's a knocking at the door. I hear my mom go to open it.
"Hi sweetie? Are you here for Caleb? I can call him for you." I barely hear my mom from my room, but her voice is sweet, welcoming.
"Um no I'm here to see Tris. Is she here? Can I see her?" Tobias sounds frantic and afraid. Feelings of guilt shoot through me. I made him feel like this. This is all my fault.
"Yeah she's h..." my mom doesn't get to finish because Tobias interrupts her.
"Where! This is really important! I need to see her right now!"
"Upstairs, down the hall three doors to your left." I can just hear the smile in her voice. I think I hear a thank you before I hear heavy footsteps sprinting up the stairs. The sound of the footsteps approach my door quickly. There is no hesitation before it's opened. I see Tobias standing at the door way. I try to give him a small smile when his eyes land on mine, but it doesn't seem to work. He runs to my bed and I'm immediately tangled up in his arms. He holds me there in his arms so tight for a few minutes, but when it's over I wish it could've continued forever. He pulls back and looks into my eyes for a couple minutes before he speaks.
"What'd I do Bea? Why won't you answer my texts or calls? Not even Christina?" Tobias has sadness in his eyes. He rubs my cheek with his thumb, pulling my tear away.
"You didn't do anything Toby," I reach out and touch his face before I continue. "I didn't realize you texted or called till like 4 minutes ago. I'm sorry"
"Okay good, I wouldn't ever forgive myself if I hurt you in any way. Wait, Tris. Have you been crying?" The look of sadness quickly turns to anger. "Who did this? Who do I have to kill?" He repeats what he said this morning, and I can feel the corners of my mouth turn up slightly.
"Tobias, it's nothing. I'll tell you another day, just not today. I don't want to talk about it." I'm hoping he won't push it, and he doesn't.
"Okay. You know that thing I was gunna show you this morning?" He looks excited, like he's been waiting for weeks to show me what he is about to.
"What is it?" I ask. He just smiles at me while pulling a big square box out of his pocket. He slowly opens it up and pulls out the most beautiful necklace I've ever seen. It has a medium length silver chain with two beautiful small charms hanging off of it. A small cursive looking 'T' and a small silver heart are there staring at me."Tobias! This is beautiful! What's the 'T' for? Me or you?" He smiles at what I think was for my last question.
"It's for whoever you want it to be for." His smile falters for a second I barely notice it. "Hey Bea can you promise me something? Don't tell the gang my name? I don't want anyone else to know but you." His face has turned serious and I can tell he really needs me to promise him this.
"I promise." I whisper. Whispering just sounds like the right thing to do. Before I know what's happening, I'm surrounded by him, his scent tickling the inside of my nose. We sit like that for what feels like hours. I didn't realize just how tired I was until he was hugging me. It must be about 10:30 11:00 ish. I slowly start drifting in and out of sleep. I'm almost asleep, and Tobias must think I am because he lets go of me and slowly lays my head on my pillow, pulling the blanket up so it covers me. I must smile a little because he chuckles deeply before he kisses my forehead. I think he says 'I love you Bea' but I can't really understand him because I'm 97% asleep.