Jack's Story: Part 4
Both the death and the resurrection had hurt and the Master had enjoyed watching the effect of both, over and over again in as many different ways as possible. Sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, sometimes multiple times a day. He had always asked Jack afterwards what it felt like, how he would rate it as a way to die, as though he were carrying out one of those household surveys on the street. Jack had felt he like he was just a toy, a jack in the box. Push him down and up he pops again. Jack had tried to hold on to his sanity by keeping the images of all the people he cared about in the front of his mind. One image in particular kept pushing to the top of the list – Ianto. Ianto would be waiting for him. Ianto needed him. He couldn't believe now that he'd held himself back from his relationship with Ianto because he'd been scared of feeling too much when he eventually lost him – and Jack always lost everyone in the end. He'd missed out on what could have been, because he was scared or what might be. He had decided that when he got back, if he got back, if Ianto survived, he was going to do it properly this time.
When he had returned he had looked at his team. "Why did you come back" Ianto had asked. "I came back for you…" he looked Ianto in the eye for beat he hoped that was enough but he had to be honest. "…all of you" he had said looking around the whole team, his team. They hadn't been willing to just welcome him back with open arms at first and when he'd discovered Gwen had become engaged to Rhys he had briefly felt betrayed. Gwen was moving on with her life, she would probably have to leave Torchwood, leave him…after everything he had given to return to his team. He'd known right away that was unfair, hadn't he told Gwen she had to keep her real life going, it was just jealousy on his part that he could never have that sort of life himself again. He'd made an effort to pull back the dark emotions. "Congratulations Gwen".
Then he'd made up with Ianto. Ianto had surprised him again.
"….I don't want to share you with half of Cardiff anymore" Ianto had exclaimed and Jack had been in shock, did Ianto really believe that he, Jack, had been sleeping around. There hadn't been anyone, excluding a snog here and there but that didn't count, since Ianto. He had grabbed Ianto and kissed him trying to tell him with touch what he couldn't afford to put into words. "That seems fair to me" Jack had agreed easily. "We'll go back to yours now pick up some take-away and I'll explain everything, maybe later we can finish this".
"No Jack" Ianto's tone had been angry and Jack wondered what he had said wrong this time "We are going to finish this first" Ianto had actually growled at him at that point and that's when Jack had known dark Ianto was coming out to play and his whole body had jumped to attention. Ianto in control that was just what he needed and wanted right then. The things Ianto had done to him then in the back of the SUV, possibly while their other selves were running around the car-park unaware, had allowed him to be taken away from the memories just for a while.
Later Ianto had confronted him about Gwen, something he had been expecting especially when he realised Ianto had overheard his earlier exchange with Gwen. He'd been trying to explain his complicated feelings and find a way to reassure Ianto, when Ianto had interrupted him . "… you told her you had died so many times, been dragged back into life, like being hauled over broken glass. That you had seen the end of the world. Why did you tell Gwen all that when you have told me nothing!" Jack had felt his mouth drop open in surprise, Ianto wasn't jealous that Jack might desire her, he was jealous that he'd told her something about his trip away, first."
"…it's not something I want to talk about with anyone…" Jack had replied looking intently into the eyes of the other man willing him to understand as he had understood so much already and then he heard himself say something that he hadn't known he was going to "…other than you."
Jack had found himself opening up to Ianto, felt himself breaking down as he related some of the details he had not intended to remember again, felt Ianto pull him from the dining table to hold him in his arms comforting him like a child on the old couch. It had felt right, even though it meant having to give up his hero persona, if there was one person he knew he could do that with without being judged, it was Ianto.
Things had settled back down quite quickly after that, the team had quickly accepted Jack back as their leader and a general acceptance that Jack and Ianto were more than just friends even if Ianto did prefer to keep the public display of affection to a minimum. They had begun to spend regular nights together, sometimes in the hub, sometimes at Ianto's flat. When rift activity allowed they would go out for dinner or occasionally catch a movie. One of Jack's favourite dates had been when they had gone to the zoo, ok they had actually been working, but Ianto had allowed him to hold his hand in public and Jack had been surprised at how proud he had felt.
He had held Gwen in his arms as they danced at her wedding. "Will you miss me?" Gwen had asked. She had looked up into his eyes and he had seen the love and desire there and he had felt his own heart contract. Gwen was and always would be special to him. She was the one person in his life that was totally open, who hid nothing of herself from him, even Ianto still hid a part of himself. He loved her for that, even as he also knew if had ever acted on his feelings he would have broken her. She only saw him as the golden hero, she didn't know or understand his darker side, he loved to be seen as the golden hero but he also knew it wasn't real.
Then Ianto had cut in and Jack had been surprised because Ianto did not do public displays. As they dance Ianto had whispered into his ear "I know it was hard for you seeing her get married".
"Of course it wasn't" Jack had automatically denied. He had felt the young man in his arms stiffen in anger. "Jack…just don't" Ianto's voice had been full of hurt and Jack had felt the admonishment in the tone.
Jack had thought back over the last few months which have been tough on both of them and how much Ianto had had to accept. First there was him running away with the Doctor and when he finally returned Ianto had been confronted with Jack's intimate history with John Hart. Still Ianto had understood and accepted him back with open arms, well not quite. Jack smiled to himself as he remembered what had happened in the back of the SUV.
But after John Hart, Michael had popped back into his life literally. Michael Bellini, a young, confused man, an unwitting time traveler and another ex-lover. Well ex for him, still the future for Michael. A young man with whom he'd connected in 1965 but hadn't been able to save, another name on his list. Ianto though had come to him and with his quiet reassurance had listened to the story and encouraged him to go to Michael and offer him the support and encouragement he needed. Then there had been Greg Bishop. Jack had loved him and lost him too soon and he knew Ianto had seen that when Greg's spirit had shown itself to them, but Ianto had made no comment and asked no questions. Ianto had accepted everything and asked nothing in return. Jack knew he owed Ianto the truth
"It is not about wanting Gwen, it's about wanting what Gwen has." he had whispered to his young lover "Gwen represents something I will never have, will never be. Sometimes I just want all that compassion, all that belief in right and wrong and I want to hold on to it and believe in it myself." He paused. "Gwen doesn't love me, she loves the man she wants me to be. I need someone who accepts all of me who has the strength and depth of character to contain me, hold me, support me, understand me and sometimes, when needed, to stop me. I need...you" He had turned his attention back to the young man in his arms, wrapping his arms tighter around him, he feels Ianto settle in to rest his head on his shoulder. Jack never wanted to let him go and instead had whispered all the things he would do to him later that night and he had started to believe that maybe, just maybe he could have a future with this man.
Then disaster had struck, Gray had returned and Tosh and Owen had died. Jack had been in torment, for a year the three of them had tried to continue alone. Jack had known his behaviour to Ianto had not been fair, he had been torn between an intense need to have Ianto, to hold Ianto, to have him in his life permanently and an intense fear of the pain he would feel when Ianto inevitably left him. He was aware that Ianto was trying to have the "couple" conversation and he kept deflecting it. He wasn't ready to deal with it but he knew he would have to be soon. Maybe that was why he had decided it was time to look for replacements for Tosh and Owen, maybe that was why he had been too eager to trust Dr Rupesh Patajali. A trust that had led to Jack being blown to pieces destroying the Torchwood Three hub.
Even after three years Ianto continued to surprise him. Who would have thought then that the young office boy would be the one to come riding in on his white charger (or a forklift in this case) to save him from his concrete prison, Jack had felt so proud of the young man, even as his own life came crashing about his ears when the truth about his role in the deal with the 456 had come out. Ianto had still supported him even then, still guided him. "The Jack I know would've stood up to them." Ianto had been right as usual and this time he had been determined that that was exactly what he would do.
"I should be the one to go with you Jack" Gwen's voice had been determined. "I am the field operative, Ianto is better with the technical stuff"
"But you are pregnant" Jack had tried to insist "Exactly" Gwen had retorted. "This is about the children and I'm going to be a Mother I have a vested interest. I'm only a few weeks gone and I'm not an invalid. We are only going in to talk to them for god's sake." Jack had looked to Ianto with a plea in his eyes, he wanted Ianto by his side, his rock.
"Jack, I think Gwen's right. I am best suited to staying here and monitoring the situation. Take Gwen on this" So Jack had agreed and 30 minutes later he had been holding Gwen in his arms as she breathed her last, poisoned by the 456. "Jack" she had whispered "I love you, I always loved you". "Don't" he cried in anguish those shouldn't be her last words not his Gwen, his passionate, courageous Gwen. Gwen was going to be a Mother and live out her life happily with Rhys, the man who deserved her, now all that potential, all that future gone. He pressed his lips to her's as they both breathed their last. When he came to he was lying beside her white, dead body. He hadn't been able to meet Ianto's eye, didn't want to deal with Ianto's grief, didn't want to think about how easily it could have been Ianto's dead body. He'd ordered Ianto away, to look after his sister's kids in Wales, he couldn't take it anymore. He was better alone. After it was over, after he had sacrificed his own grandson to save the children he'd left without making contact with Ianto again. He had thought that best, a clean break, he couldn't afford to love and lose anyone else.
But now he was back, he was sitting in the dark waiting for Ianto to return.