Holy hell it's been a long time. I was just overcome with a crazy amount of inspiration, so I cranked out a chapter! Yay! I like this chapter, hope y'all do too :)
"Sammy!" a gruff voice bellowed as Sam was roughly shaken awake. She sat up straight, frantically looking around, grabbing for the gun in the waistband of her jeans. "Whoa, whoa, easy kojak!"
Sam finally registered where she was and who she was with. Collapsing against the seat of the Impala she let out a heavy sigh.
"Sorry," she said lamely.
"What the Hell, Sammy? Are you having visions again?" Dean asked. Sam shook her head.
"No. Just another nightmare," she half-admitted. She couldn't tell him what was really going on inside her head. Any forgiveness Dean felt for her would immediately disintegrate and he would kick her to the curb again, saying that things could never be the way they were before. Sam didn't think she would be able to live through that twice. Dean shook his head, sighing.
"If something weird is going on in that freakish head of yours, you need to tell me," Dean said, falling back into the role of bossy big brother annoyingly quick.
"I will Dean—no more secrets remember?" Sam reminded him. Dean had called her a few weeks ago to tell her that he thought they worked better as a team. It had been rough, but Dean had gotten to a point where he was able to forgive Sam and realize that he had wanted to kill Lilith as well—with or without him, Armageddon would have started anyway. What with the Apocalypse coming and everything, the two had sorted out their differences in an attempt to stop themselves from saying yes to their respective vessels.
Speaking of, Sam had yet to tell Dean of her brief romance with Lucifer. While it had only lasted a few weeks, if had felt much longer to Sam and she was still hurting. They had had a fight—a really bad fight. Over and over they had told each other that they didn't have to make a decision anytime soon about whether or not Sam was going to say "yes" to Satan…they had been wrong…
"Sam, I need more of you," Lucifer had said desperately, pinning her to the wall.
"I can't do it, Luce, I just can't. It's wrong," Sam stood by her decision.
"If you love me at all, you will say yes to me Samantha. Look at me!" he stepped back, throwing his arms to the side. Nick's body had started to slowly deteriorate. It was only a few cuts and scrapes, but it would get worse if Lucifer didn't find a new host soon. He dropped his arms and immediately pressed himself up against Sam again, cupping her face. "I need you Sam."
Sam made a noise of frustration and fidgeted in his hold.
"Can't you just forget about the Apocalypse? Why is it so important? You can find a new vessel until we can figure something out and then we can be together. You don't have to do this," Sam argued.
"Of course I have to. It's my destiny," Lucifer replied in exasperation. "It's my destiny to be with you."
"You can be! But do you really have to destroy the planet to do that?" Sam asked.
"Samantha, are you ever actually listening? I don't want to destroy the world; I want to show my father that just because he created me, doesn't mean he can toy with me. He can't lock me in a cage for eternity because I loved him!"
"So this is about revenge," Sam stated, the disappointment obvious in her voice.
"No—it's about justice. It's about taking back the life that was meant to be mine," Lucifer insisted, lowering his voice with seriousness. Sam looked at him, conflicted between wanting to help him and knowing that she never would. She shook her head and slid out of his hold, stepping away from the wall.
"I can't do this anymore," she said, the finality of her decision surprising herself. Somehow the knowledge that she needed to leave Lucifer had just slammed into her brain and there was no turning back.
"What?" Lucifer hissed, turning to face her, a smoldering glower on his face that made Sam's heart ache at what she was about to do.
"I love you…I'm going to say yes to you," she said slowly. Lucifer raised his eyebrows. A hesitant smile spread across his face.
"Sam, our lives are going to be perfect. I'm going to make you happier, stronger than you've ever been before," Lucifer said quietly, not wanting to break whatever spell had somehow made Sam agree to be his vessel.
"No," Sam said plainly. "I have to leave. If I stay with you, you're going to talk me into saying 'yes' one way or another. And I can't let that happen. So I'm leaving."
"You can't leave me," Lucifer said. Sam began to walk around the room, throwing her clothes into her faded green duffle bag. Lucifer rushed after her in panic. "I'll find you. You can't hide from me Sam." She ignored him. "And if I can't find you, then I'll track down Dean." When she still didn't respond, Lucifer roughly grabbed her shoulders, stopping her dead in her tracks. "I'll make him talk Samantha."
"You'll never find my brother. He's got more than a few tricks up his sleeve—so do I, as a matter of fact," Sam replied, thinking of the Enochian sigils that were imprinted on both her and Dean's ribs. Lucifer had been able to find her recently because she told him where she was, but as soon as she left, he wouldn't be able to follow her trail. She gently shrugged off his hands and resumed packing. As she zipped up her bag, Lucifer roughly grabbed her shoulders and spun her around violently. Brave hunter that she was, even she flinched when she saw the anger and rage in Lucifer's face.
"You belong to me, Sam Winchester. Like it or not," the fury quickly disintegrated from his expression and was replaced with his signature cocky smirk. "So you go have fun playing Batman and Robin with your big brother, but I will find and you will say yes to me." Sam remained stone solid as the Devil bent down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I love you."
"I love you too," Sam said evenly. "But I'm going to throw you back in that cage." She picked up her bag and walked out the door.
That had been over a month ago. Now that she was back with Dean, Sam was determined to do the right thing and put the Devil back in Hell where he belonged. Coming up with a way to actually do that was just a little more impossible than she had planned.
Dean pulled the Impala into yet another crappy motel and got them a room while Sam got their bags from the car. She had to admit, she was glad to be back with him. Dean was home—and it felt good to be home.
Within minutes, Dean passed out on the bed closest to the door, leaving Sam with nothing to do but close her eyes and will away the nightmares.
"Sam," a voice distantly said. Sam stirred in her almost-sleep to see who had spoken. Lucifer, in his vessel, sat on the edge of the bed. Apparently she was asleep. And she desperately wanted to wake up from this pleasant nightmare. They may have fought, but she still loved him and the part of her that knew they were supposed to be together kept urging her to just give him what he wanted.
Sam lay back down and shut her eyes tight, willing herself to wake up. She would not give in to him tonight. She had to be strong. She had to somehow keep him from getting into her mind and making her want him so badly that she couldn't resist him.
"Sam," Lucifer said in a disappointed tone. "Why are you going to try to resist me tonight? You know that in the end I will win. In more ways than one." He placed a hand on her waist. She kept her eyes shut, ignoring him. He chuckled. "Samantha, you do know that 'You can't see me because I can't see you' theory doesn't work, right?" At that she sat up.
"I really am not in the mood tonight. Or any other night for that matter. You need me. You can't hurt me. You can't even find me. I can refuse you all I want," Sam said defiantly. After their fight, she had left the hotel that she had been staying in-now that she had left, he had no idea where she was and could only talk to her through these dreams. She scooted herself to the other end of the bed. Lucifer, of course, followed her. Or rather, appeared next to her on the other side of the bed.
"Oh really? Then why have I been fucking you? Why have you been telling me over and over how much you love me?" he asked triumphantly. I didn't know how to answer. "Ah, that's what I thought. You don't have to be ashamed of it, sweetie. This was written in Heaven. It's next to impossible to fight it. You and I are destined to love each other and become one."
"No," Sam said harshly.
"Excuse me?" Lucifer asked, slightly annoyed.
"No, we are not going to become one and I will never love you. I gave into you because I was incredibly weak. But I am done, with letting people down again and again. I don't care how good it feels to be with you, it's not happening again," she said angrily.
"I'd like to see you attempt this great feat of defying destiny. I promise I will never hurt you," he said as he started to close the space between them. "But there is nothing wrong with needing to be with what is rightfully mine."
With that his lips were on Sam's…and she wanted him more than oxygen itself. Lucifer's vessel's hands were everywhere, running up and down her body, pulling her against his own body. His tongue parted her lips and did sinful things to her mouth. She could feel him slipping into her mind, making that voice that told her to give in to him start screaming louder. But this time, there was another voice with it. The voice telling her how disgusted Dean would be if he knew all the things she had done with the Devil. And she fought so hard to let that voice take over, to force Lucifer out of her mind.
She pried her lips from his, but stayed tangled with his body, which was now on top of her's. "No. I don't want to do this," She whimpered. In actuality, she really wanted to do this. Sam was waging a war inside her head.
"Shh, yes you do baby, yes you do," Lucifer murmured with his lips pressed against her ear briefly, before his kisses moved to her neck.
"No. I really don't," she said, trying to convince herself as well as him. "Get off me." Her words did not match what her body was doing. She was panting and arching her chest up into him. Lucifer snapped his fingers and all of their clothes were gone. Sam moaned, both in frustration and desire.
"You don't really want me to stop," Lucifer said breathlessly. Sam cried out in anger at both herself and the Devil. She dug her nails into his shoulders and pushed on him with everything she had…it didn't move him an inch
"Yes I really, really do," she began to think more clearly. "I think rape falls under hurting me."
"I am not making you do anything."
"I said no."
"But you don't mean it."
Now she was getting desperate. If she couldn't stop herself from sleeping with him, then how on earth was she going to keep saying 'no' to being his vessel? "Please stop, please. I don't love you anymore," she said in hysterics. She started to breathe faster. "No, no, no. Stop! Please, stop. No! No. No…"
"Sam! Sammy! Sam, wake up!" a deep, gruff voice said. She was drenched in sweat, panting and mumbling. It took her a minute to focus on the person shaking her awake.
"Dean?" Sam gasped.
"What the Hell is wrong with you? You were screaming in your sleep," Dean said annoyed. Just what Sam wanted, for Dean to be mad at her again. Things had gotten so much better over the past few weeks, but somehow it seemed that she always managed to bring about the underlying distrust he now had for her. She couldn't form a coherent sentence.
"Sam, this has gotta stop. You've been having nightmares since we started working together again weeks ago," Dean continued.
"I'm so sorry Dean," she said, barely above a whisper.
"What are you sorry for?" Dean asked confused.
"Dean. I have to tell you something that is guaranteed to make you hate me-more than you ever have," she started. She knew that she had to tell him the truth.
"Sammy what the Hell did you do?" Dean asked, sitting down on his bed across from her. She took a deep breath.
"Okay, so the first time Lucifer found me right? He told me that no matter what I did I would end up saying yes to him. Well, something else happened," she said hesitantly.
"And you neglected to tell me this? Anything is relevant. What are you keeping a secret?" Dean was angry. Sam didn't blame him. She kept talking.
"That night, Lucifer he-uh-we…" I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"Sam. Come on," Dean impatiently said.
"Dean, he was right. I'm was made for him. I can't fight him on anything. We were…involved and it was stupid and you can hate me and kick me out again and it will never be enough because what I did was unforgiveable," she said. Tears were brimming at her eyes, but she didn't want Dean to see her cry, especially when she felt that she deserved all the pain she could get.
"What," Dean said. It wasn't a question, he was just in shock. Sam sniffed and nodded.
"Yeah. I was in love with him Dean, I fought it, but I just couldn't anymore. I didn't want it to happen, but it was like as soon as I saw him I knew—," she couldn't hold back the tears that silently fell down her face. "I tried to just kill myself, but he kept bringing me back," she continued. Dean didn't say anything, just stared at her horrified.
"And you're grossed out, I get it. I don't blame you. I am too. But Dean, you gotta believe me, I tried to stop so many times," Sam said.
"Wait, you tried to kill yourself?" Dean asked. Sam wrapped my arms around her stomach, willing herself not to throw up as guilt coursed through her.
"I killed myself a lot when we weren't hunting together anymore. Lucifer always brought me back, but I kept trying anyway," she cried harder. "I tried so hard Dean, I really did."
"Sammy, you killed yourself? Multiple times?" Dean said incredulously.
"Yeah, but I had too. I had to do something. I don't deserve to be here Dean. I want to die so badly. I know I belong in Hell, but he just won't let me get there. I slit my wrists, drowned myself, shot myself, took pills, everything. He always brought me back and then I just gave into him. I let myself trust him," she sobbed. She was shocked when she felt Dean's hands on her shoulders.
"So this is what you have nightmares about all the time?" Dean asked softly.
"Uh-huh. I'm so sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry," she said as her body was racked with sobs.
"Hey, hey, hey, shh. Look, you're fighting the Devil. That can't be easy for anyone. And you got away from him tonight. So you can get away from him again," Dean said. "I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm totally grossed out. And I don't trust you to be alone long enough to take a piss, but I don't hate you."
"I just can't take anymore Dean, I can't take it. Everywhere I go, the bad things follow me and I'm too weak to fight them off. I keep letting you down," she sobbed.
"Samantha, you are not weak. You are the second best hunter in the world and the toughest woman I've ever met. Sammy, I've forgiven you for what you've done. When are you gonna cut out the guilt trip," Dean said firmly.
Sam didn't answer him. The guilt she felt was heavier than anything she had ever felt before. Worst of all…she still loved Lucifer. Sam could lie to him all she wanted, but she couldn't lie to herself.