A/N: Sorry it took me so long but here I finally give you next chapter :D
Thank you for all your comments :*
Special thanks for Anaknusan for her amazing beta reading job :* :*
Chapter 10 – Nothing to hide
Grissom splashed cold water on his face, wishing it would help him to wake up and gather his thoughts. Even though he'd been at work for no more than five hours he was already exhausted. Time was passing and there was still no news about Cassie or her kidnappers, even though the team was working hard. One good thing was that the Amber Alert was working and information about the girl was broadcasted into the media, which was giving hope that someone might have seen something and would call.
Sara, though much calmer now, was still heartsick and seeing her like that was breaking Grissom's heart. Also, the fact that some part of him was feeling responsible for what was happening wasn't making anything easier.
Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger in an attempt to fight the pressure building behind his eyes. With every passing hour his head felt heavier, what inevitably foretold an upcoming migraine. He reached to his pocket and took out the bottle of prescription drugs, hoping they would ease the uncomfortable feeling.
He sighed and made his way back to the layout room, stopping to get two cups of coffee. He figured they both needed the caffeine as there was still a long night ahead of them.
"But why the hell didn't they tell us anything?" Nick's raised voice coming from behind a corner made Grissom stop suddenly. "They're having a child and what? They're hiding the fact from us? Why? Did you know about it?"
"No Nicky," Catherine answered calmly, "I wasn't told either, but, you know, it was pretty obvious from the moment I saw Cassie." She added and Grissom guessed she must have been smiling.
He disapproved eavesdropping but the conversation topic was simply too interesting and significant to ignore. The overheard conversation got his full attention and he froze, leaning on the wall, trying to breathe as quiet as possible in order not to reveal his presence.
"Obvious?"
"Even if Cassie hadn't inherited her eyes and personality from Gil it would be apparent that she is his daughter. Can you imagine Sara having a child with anyone else?"
"Cath, I could hardly imagine her having a child at all." Nick laughed. "But, yeah, you're right. She never loved anyone as much as him. It's just I still don't understand why he never mentioned being a father, not even when Sara came back."
"I don't think he knew."
"What?!"
"Nick, he was as much surprised to see Sara's daughter as we were. I don't think she ever told him she was pregnant."
A loud sound, which Grissom guessed must have been made by Nick's fist hitting the wall, made him almost drop his coffee cups and deafened Nick's next word. Grissom deduced it was a curse as he heard Catherine harshly and indignantly whispering Nick's name.
"I can't calm down, Cath," Nick admitted angrily, "I wanted to hurt a bastard that left Sara and I was right, I should do that!"
"Nick, he didn't know and he is still your supervisor." Catherine reminded him calmly.
"And Sara is still my little sis!" Nick riposted. "Don't you see it Catherine? HE…" Nick emphasized 'he' in a way that made a chill crawl down Grissom's spine, "…he must have done something so wrong, hurt Sara so much that she didn't even tell him she was expecting his child." Grissom felt as if an iron fist clenched around his heart. He cast down his eyes and sighed quietly. Nick's words really touched him, it hurt to hear them. It hurt to hear the truth. He really was a bastard. He hurt the only person he truly loved. He had chosen work above her, afraid of taking the risk. He let her go because he was a coward.
"They have their own ways. We don't know what really happened. And I don't think that this is important now. Their daughter is missing and investigating why they didn't tell us about her before or what really happened between them is not only not our business but it also won't help to find her." Catherine explained calmly and for a moment, silence fell between the two CSIs. "Do you actually want to stand here cursing Grissom," she continued, "or would you rather help to find Cassie and stop the pain Sara is going through?"
"Sorry, you're right." Nick admitted quietly. "Let's find Cassie. Let's do it for Sara."
Grissom quickly turned around and quietly walked away before his presence became known. The last thing he wanted was to be caught eavesdropping by an angry Nick.
~*~
It took him more time than usual to reach the layout room, mostly because he had chosen the longer way to avoid meeting Nick or Catherine. He was sure that right now he wouldn't be able to hide he had overheard their conversation.
To his relief neither Nick nor Catherine returned to the layout room. Only two people were there – Greg, working on a computer, with two cell phones laying next to him, and Sara, who was nervously pacing up and down. When Grissom walked into the room she looked at him briefly without stopping her nervous walk.
"If you came to send me home don't even try." She said warningly.
"Sara…"
"Griss," she interrupted not allowing him to even start the sentence, "I can't go home and just wait for the news."
"Sara…"
"And I'm not tired. I don't need rest." She added still ignoring what he wanted to say.
"Sara, would you please listen to me!" Grissom said in a raised voice that finally attracted Sara's attention. "I'm not sending you anywhere." He said gently, smiling. "I know you. Even if I tried, you wouldn't listen." He moved closer to Sara, standing in her way so that she was forced to stop in front of him. "I just brought us coffee." His smile widened a bit when he handed her a cup.
"Thanks." Sara answered embarrassed and took a sip, closing her eyes for a moment. "Sorry, I'm kind of tense today."
"Honey, I've already told you," Grissom said softly and placed a hand on the small of Sara's back. He led her to the couch, taking a seat next to her. "You have a right to be touchy. You're a mother."
Sara cast her eyes down, investigating the contents of her cup. After remaining quiet for a couple of minutes she suddenly asked: "You've never believed it, have you? That Cassie isn't yours."
"No, not really." He admitted quietly. "Even though she is your spitting image, not mine. But I think I know why you have told me something different. Why you didn't allow me to be a father." He sighed and reached for Sara's hand. "I'm sorry I haven't realized before how much I was hurting you."
"It's a little more complicated then you think…" Sara whispered, her voice barely heard even in the quietness of the room.
Grissom looked at her intrigued, arching his eyebrow, but before he managed to ask what she meant an electronic sound coming from the computer caught their attention.
"Grissom it's your phone." Greg said, pushing few buttons on a keyboard. "The number is restricted but I think it's him."
"Let me talk to him." Sara demanded, gripping Grissom's arm tightly, her hand shaking slightly.
"I don't think it is a good idea."
"Griss, I know I am…let's say - not in my best shape today," she smiled weakly, "but if you try to get her on the phone, and I know you will," Grissom nodded, confirming what Sara said, "she won't call you 'dad'. And if they believe that the girl they have is not your daughter…"
"They won't need her anymore…" Grissom finished for her quietly, considering in his head what Sara just mentioned. If he talked with Cassie it would be risky. She would call him 'uncle' and if the kidnappers believed that, she wouldn't be a crucial element in their plan anymore and they might want to get rid of her. Grissom didn't know what the kidnappers might be capable of. "All right," he agreed, "but this time you'll have to act more as CSI than as a mother." He led Sara to the table where Greg was sitting. "Greg, go tell Archie to do everything to track this call and inform the others."
The young CSI nodded and left the room. Sara raised her head and looked at Grissom, her eyes dark with fear. She nervously moved a wisp of hair behind her ear.
"I know you can do it, Sara." He whispered in Sara's ear. He moved to stand closer to her, putting his hand protectively on the small of her back, before he pushed the answer button. "I'm right behind you."
~*~
"Sidle." Sara answered the phone, keeping her voice as calm and strong as possible.
"Oh, hello mommy." A harsh male voice laughed, sending shivers down Sara's spine. Grissom recognized it as Sean's voice. "I was expecting a concerned daddy."
"He's busy," she answered dryly, "he's hunting you down."
"He doesn't have a chance, mommy." Sean laughed again. "You will do exactly as you are told. Don't forget I have your precious kid."
"I want to talk to her." Sara demanded, her heart racing in her chest. Unconsciously she reached for Grissom's hand and entangled it with hers.
"First my demands!"
"There won't be any demands…" Sara swallowed heavily, reminding herself to stay calm, to act like any CSI would, "…till I'm sure she's all right."
"I am the one calling the shots here."
Sara closed her eyes and exhaled. "If you are in charge then you should know that without proof that she's all right we won't do anything." She said quietly, squeezing Gil's hand in hers. She had to clench her teeth tightly to stifle a scream.
She heard some muffled voices at the other end of the line and she guessed that the kidnapper must be covering the speaker. The next sounds came muffled but she definitely heard the second voice. The tone of the voices suggested an argument. The last sentence she heard more clearly: "Bring the kid."
"Sara," Grissom whispered in her ear, "just be strong and stay calm. For Cassie. They mustn't know how much you care."
In the same moment they heard their daughter's voice weakly through the speaker: "Ouch… that hurts…" Sara stiffened for a moment before quietly sighing with relief that her daughter was alive.
"Cassie?"
"Mommy? I want to go home…" the little girl said through sobs, "I didn't want to go with them."
"I know Butterfly," Sara said softly using almost all her strength to hide how terrified and nervous she really was. "It's going to be fine, honey. Can you hear that? We'll going to bring you home."
"Mommy…" Cassie cried.
"Honey, listen to me,…" Sara hardly swallowed down a gulp in her throat, squeezing Grissom's hand so hard that her nails were digging into his skin, though neither of them seemed to notice that. "I know it's hard but I need to you to be brave for a little more, ok? Can you do this for me?"
"…yes…" Cassie answered hesitantly between the sobs.
"Cassie, everything is going to be all right." Sara reassured once more.
"Enough." Sean said flatly, his words followed by a loud noise, then Cassie's screams and one of the kidnappers' shrieks of pain.
"That little b*tch bit me." Sara heard quiet voice in the background. "I'm going to teach her good manners!"
Sara's heart pounded painfully against her ribs. Her body was trembling. She tried to scream her daughter's name but strong arms turned her around and embraced tightly. Her voice came muffled by someone's chest. It took her a moment to understand that it must have been Grissom who embraced her. She calmed herself down in his arms, but decided not to look around. She felt him kissing the top of her head and then someone else's arms embraced her. She stiffened for a moment, not recalling the fact that someone joined them in the layout room. But after all she was mainly focusing on the phone call so she might have not noticed that.
"Don't even try to touch my daughter." Sara heard Grissom's calm and demanding voice.
"Oh, so we have our daddy after all…" the voice from the speaker laughed.
"Apparently you wished to speak to me." Grissom answered dryly. "Just say what you want!"
"I want what we all want – justice."
"Didn't you get that last time we met?"
"I see you're being sarcastic Gilbert." Sean smirked. "I don't think it will help your precious child."
"Then maybe tell me what will."
"You know, I never forgot you put me in jail." The kidnapper said. "Surprisingly I'm even quite grateful. Thanks to that I made some great friends."
"Let me guess," Grissom interrupted, "you already miss them?"
"Something like that." Sean laughed dryly. "The thing is, Gilbert, that what they miss is the daylight. I think it will be just if they could join me in enjoying it. I want them to be freed in the next 24 hours, daddy, or you will have to say 'goodbye' to your kid."
"Touch her and you'll be the one never seeing daylight again." Grissom said fiercely.
"Right now I'm the one threatening, not you." Sean snapped. "By the way, your daughter is … very beautiful…" he added, laughing menacingly again.
Grissom heard Sara whimper behind him, embraced tightly by Nick's arms. He exhaled heavily and rubbed his temple.
"Give me names." He said quietly to the microphone.
"I've already sent them on your email, Gilbert. Along with other information. You've got 24 hours!" The kidnapper said shortly and disconnected.
Sara shifted in Nick's arms to face Grissom, noticing that apart from them only Nick and Greg were present in the room, her eyes were red and teary.
"What now?" She asked quietly.
"Greg take this recording to Archie," Grissom ordered, bending over the computer and logging into his mailbox, "check if he was able to trace it and then analyze all sounds from the background."
"Nick, there are some names in this email," he said handing Nick a small USB stick, "give them to Catherine, she's already working on Sean's cellmates. Help her. I want to know who they are and what they were convicted for. And if you can, check where this email was sent from."
"Sure boss. Don't worry Sar, we're going to find him." Nick nodded and after hugging Sara again he left the room with Greg by his side.
"Are you ok?" Grissom asked softly, placing his hands on Sara's arms and drawing her closer to himself.
"I can't take it anymore Gil…" Sara leaned her head on his chest, allowing him to embrace her once more. "She must be so scared and I can't do anything…"
"Honey, you told Cassie she must be brave, I think it's what you should do too." He said and releasing her from his embrace he took her hand and led her back to the couch. "Sara, you're not alone, we'll go through it together."
Sara nodded. For long moment they just sat in silence, interrupted only by Greg, coming to tell them that the kidnappers used some anti-tracking device and Archie wasn't able to catch the signal but they were working on the background noises.
"Gil…I must tell you that I didn't lie…" Sara said suddenly, making Grissom look at her astonished. "In the goodbye letter." She explained. Before the phone call they had started a conversation about Cassie and Sara felt she owed Grissom a longer explanation. Though he was still looking at her with raised eyebrows he said nothing, eager to hear what she wanted to say.
"All I had written was true." She continued quietly, casting her eyes down. "I didn't leave because I was pregnant, it was just a trigger, it advanced everything but eventually I would have left anyway. But… maybe I should start from the beginning?" She smiled weakly in answer to Grissom's nod.
"You know, after being trapped under that car I couldn't really find a meaning in anything I was doing. As if I lost myself in the desert. I was doing everything kind of automatically only because things needed to be done. There were moments I wasn't even sure what I was doing.
"It was the same with work. I saw no sense anymore in catching the bad guys. Why bother if when one was caught two others took his place.
"It was getting worse and worse. Especially when I was assigned to home violence cases. I was seeing my mother and myself in the eyes of those beaten women all the time. And then there was the Amy case. I did everything to help and I didn't manage to. It broke me. It made me hate my job.
"I tried to fight with it, because I knew that if I didn't, I would have to go or I would self-destruct. It lasted for a month, maybe two, but I didn't get any better and the thought of leaving was returning to me over and over again.
"Moreover my physical condition also got worse. I couldn't keep any food down, I had trouble sleeping, I was quickly getting dizzy or was almost fainting. But you know me, I ignored it. I got worried only when I realized that for the last two months I hadn't gotten my period. It still took me another two weeks to let the thought into my mind that it might be something else than simple stress. I bought a pregnancy test, when it came positive I bought another one and another…and then I smashed half of my tableware." Sara smiled. "I was so confused, so lost, I could hardly breathe or think. I was beginning to understand that I needed to make few crucial decisions and that in this city I wouldn't be able to do. I understood I needed to leave and fight with what was hunting me and only then, with a clear head make a decision about a baby growing inside me." Sara raised her head and shyly looked at Grissom. "You are asking yourself why I didn't tell you anything then, aren't you?" She asked quietly.
"I'm asking myself why I lost your trust?" He answered with a question, even quieter then Sara.
"It's not because of lack of trust in you that I didn't tell you," she answered moving closer to him and taking his hand in hers, "it was because I couldn't trust myself."
"I'm afraid I don't understand…"
Sara sighed with a gentle smile. "You see, all my life someone else was making decisions for me. Since my father died they were choosing were am I to live, how long, what should I be wearing and doing. I felt as if I were living someone else's life and I promised myself that as soon as I was capable of living on my own every decision I made would be mine and only mine. And this finally allowed me to regain control over my own life." She exhaled softly and looked deep into Grissom's blue eyes. "Please don't hate me for that, but I really needed to do it on my own. I knew that if I told you it would somehow affect my judgment. I was aware that what I was doing was selfish but I needed to be sure that whatever decision I was making it was truly what I wanted and needed."
"And because you couldn't make the decision in Vegas you left." Grissom continued for her and she nodded. "But why did you do it without a single word? Why did you leave me with just a letter?"
"Because I knew that when I heard your voice I wouldn't be able to go." She admitted casting her eyes down again and moving away from Grissom. "And besides my leaving was actually quite unexpected. I mean, I knew I was leaving, but I didn't know when. It changed when I went to my doctor and he said, with that irritating smile, that I was 15 weeks pregnant and if I was lucky I would be showing soon." Sara grinned, "I think I yelled at him…and at the nurse…without any reason." Grissom grinned too imagining what that might have looked like. "But after that visit I knew that if I was to go then it was the right time to do so. I went home and packed, I wrote you a letter and then I went to work, one last time. What happened with Marlon and Hannah that day only confirmed that my decision was right. I couldn't work anymore. When my shift ended I went to find you and kissed you goodbye, not caring if anyone was watching." She stopped to take a deep breath and continued, though her voice was now hardly louder than a whisper. "Gil, I never wanted to leave you, I wanted to leave the city, my past, my problems. At the beginning I thought I was leaving only for some time but with the passing days I understood that I couldn't live in Vegas without falling apart."
"First you went to visit you mother, right?" Grissom asked after few minutes of silence, encouraging Sara to continue her story.
"Yes. Going there wasn't easy but I had to do that to outfight the ghost I've been living with. I really don't know how many days or weeks I spent with my mother. I remember we spent long hours talking, till at some point I felt peaceful in some way. I understood that I don't have to live in the shadows of my past, that I'm not bound to the fate of my parents. It was just a beginning of a long and tough road but right then, for the first time in my life when I went to a park I didn't see a girl covering her bruised arms under long sleeves of her jacket but a normal, happy teenage girl. I felt as if colors returned to my life. It still took me a few months to believe that I can give my daughter a normal life and a loving family but in that park I made a decision – I wanted to have a child, your child." Sara smiled and her eyes filled with tears. Grissom watched as one rolled down, leaving a wet trail on her cheek. He carefully placed his palm on her cheek and delicately brushed it away.
"Honey, why didn't you told me then. You know I would have…"
"Come?" Sara cut in. "Marry me?"
"I don't know. Probably…"
"That's exactly why I decided not to tell you."
Grissom looked as Sara questioningly, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Listen, I wanted you to come and join me," she continued her explanation, "but I wanted you to do it for the right reasons. I wanted you to come because of me and for me, not because of feeling remorse that one night we forgot to use a protection. A child shouldn't be a reason to stay together." She whispered. "That's why I didn't tell you then. That's why in every phone conversation we had I was telling you that I couldn't come back, that I missed you and loved you, that I always would. I really wanted you to be with me, with us, share our life. But you kept saying that without both of us the lab would be shorthanded, that you needed to finish a case and even when you finished one there was always another waiting. Your work was more important and you didn't want to take the risk of dropping it.
"Still I was hopeful for long months. It broke my heart when one day I understood that all your hesitation was actually making a decision. You decided to let me go. You couldn't take the next step and resigned from life with me. You can't deny it."
"No, unfortunately I can't." Grissom agreed quietly. "I wish I done differently, though. I wish for once I hadn't thought so much about doing something but simply done it. I think I should have followed my feelings then." He wondered. By the tone of his voice Sara guessed he was thinking aloud. "So I guess Nick was right…"
"Nick?" Sara interrupted astonished. "And what he has to do with this?"
"Huh?" Grissom murmured as if he suddenly noticed he wasn't alone in the room. "I'm sorry honey, I got lost in my thoughts."
"I noticed." She smiled. "You said Nick was right. About what?"
"I did?" He raised his eyebrows. "That's nothing important."
"Yeah, right," Sara smirked, "I can see it is important. Did he say something to you?"
"Well, not exactly." Grissom admitted with a sigh. "I only overheard him talking with Catherine about you and me."
"And?" Sara shifted on the couch.
"He said that if you decided not to tell me about my own child then I must have done something very wrong. And I am beginning to think he's right."
"Griss,…"
"No, Sara, listen. I left you when you needed me. I didn't follow, too scared of what I might lose and never considering what I might get. I chose work over you even though I asked you to marry me earlier, even though Catherine was constantly pushing me to go after you. I thought as a scientist and chose what was safer."
"Blaming yourself won't get you anywhere. I've tried that." Sara shook her head, placing her hand over his again. "Nick is wrong, Griss, I didn't hide Cassie's existence to punish you."
"Excuse me…" Catherine cleared her throat from the other side of the room, attracting their attention. Grissom swiftly stood up, almost jumping from the couch, and she raised her eyebrows, feeling as if she had caught two teenagers snogging. "I checked those names Sean gave you." She explained, her voice bringing Sara and Grissom back to reality after reliving the past. "These guys weren't really popular behind the bars, I'm guessing they were staying together in one group to be stronger. They are all pedophiles." She said and handed Grissom some folders. Sara shivered slightly. "If you need to know more here are the files I could find. But it won't be easy to persuade any judge to free them."
"We have to…" Grissom shook his head violently.
"Would you calm down?" Catherine cut in. "I didn't say we're not going to try. Brass is already talking with one. He'll do what he can." She reassured. "Also I talked with Sean's parole officer. He recognized the other guy on the tape as Sean's best friend, Mark. He has no record so far."
"What about the phone call or the car?" Sara asked.
"Warrick checked Sean's tickets and all the others where this car is mentioned. The majority of them are from the southern Vegas, we can't narrow it any further and we can't be sure he has Cassie somewhere there. Archie is still working on the recording."
Sara automatically glanced at the watch.
"There is still time." Catherine answered her unasked question. "I'm checking all Sean's known addresses I got from the parole officer. Brass gave us a warrant for his and Mark's credit card records and Greg is taking care of those." She informed them. "We'll find something." She smiled and left the room.