Same Disclaimer as before

Chapter 10

Goodbye, Nurse Rachel

After she finished packing, Ruth went downstairs to prepare a small, healthy lunch of grilled chicken breast and a salad for herself and Harry. She knocked on the study door and announced that lunch was served. Harry joined her in the kitchen and the two of them ate at the small breakfast table in the kitchen. Ruth tried to make conversation, but Harry would not rise to the bait. He responded politely but refused to give more than monosyllabic answers.

When they finished lunch, Ruth cleared the table and started to load the dishes into the dishwasher. She stood at the sink with her back to Harry, who made his way back to the study. However, he then came back and was standing by the kitchen door. He cleared his throat.

"Rachel, both the doctors and my superiors have given me clearance to return to work, and I … ," he began.

"Oh. That's good," Ruth said, desperately trying to sound calm and nonchalant. "Yes, that's very good news indeed. You must feel very relieved to be able to get back on the horse, so to speak."

"Yes, it does feel good. But what I wanted to say is, when I return to London, to my job, I guess I will not be requiring your services as my private nurse anymore," Harry went on, in a breezy conversational manner.

Ruth's heart missed a beat. Even though she had fully expected to have her services as a nurse terminated, it still felt strange hearing it from Harry. The finality of her situation with Harry never seemed so real. This was the end of the road for Ruth and Harry. Tears started to swell in Ruth's eyes; tears that she did not think she still had. She tried hard not to let Harry know that she was crying, so she continued to stand at the sink with her back to Harry.

"I suppose your agency will find you another placement. I hope your other patients will not be as difficult as me." Was that a tone of jocularity in his voice? Ruth was not sure.

"No, I don't suppose they will be. I'm not sure about another placement though …" It was getting harder and harder to choke back the tears.

"I must thank you for taking such good care of me. You have been working so hard for my sake, you really should take some time off. I have given you so much trouble that I'm sure you must be utterly exhausted." Harry sounded so sincere that Ruth almost believed that that was how all grateful patients sounded like.

"No, I'm alright, really." Any minute now, Ruth was going to lose it completely.

"Do you have any plans as to what you might want to do after this assignment?" Harry sounded concerned.

"I haven't given it much thought." That was the truth. Ruth did not think that the end would come so soon.

"Perhaps you ought to take a holiday and travel a bit. You know, take in the great capitals of Europe, Paris, Madrid, Rome, Berlin. Visit the museums, walking in the streets, sitting in the cafes and do some people watching, instead of having to watch over me." There, this time, Ruth was sure that there was something strange in Harry's tone of voice.

Ruth could not believe what she was hearing. Didn't she have this same conversation with Harry, oh, half a century ago? What was he saying? Ruth was confused. She wanted to turn around to look at Harry, to look into his eyes to find out what was he really trying to say. But she could not because then he would see that tears were now streaming down her face.

"With this sort of trip, you will probably need a companion, don't you think?" Visions of their one and only date were flashing in Ruth's brain.

"What kind of companion did you have in mind?" Ruth asked, trying hard not to let him know that the tears were now coming hard and fast.

"Well, it would have to be somebody whose conversation you enjoyed, yet sometimes understood the need for quiet, somebody with a gentle sense of humour, principled but not foolish …."

Ruth was so lost in her own thoughts that she was not aware that Harry had, by now, left the kitchen door and completely closed the distance between them. When Ruth finally turned around, she found a pair of soft brown eyes looking at her lovingly. He pulled her into a tight embrace and finished what he was saying, "… or naïve."

The floodgates opened and she cried into his polo shirt, leaving a large wet patch. All the worrying, hurt, uncertainty and heartache she had bottled up for the past few years came pouring out of her eyes. Harry was a little surprised by this reaction and kept rubbing her shoulders and her back, whispering in her ear, "There, there, everything's going to be alright."

After what seemed like an eternity, well, to Harry anyway, the sobs started to subside. Harry walked the two of them to the living room where they sat on the couch. Ruth was in serious need of tissues to clean her nose.

"You bastard, you do remember me!" Ruth said in between sobs.

"Of course I remember you." Harry still had her in a tight embrace. Finally, I am able to hold you, he thought. "You and everything about you are firmly etched in my memory. I defy any brain washing system in the world to be able to cleanse me of you," said Harry with all the tenderness that he could muster. "In the beginning, I had my doubts. I was developing feelings for my nurse which I felt were inappropriate, because those feelings have already been reserved for you. I was surprised and confused. It didn't feel right."

Harry then told her what happened that first day he went back to the Grid for a short visit.

"That was the first time that I realized who you really might be. Up until that point, I felt that if I took things further with my nurse, I would be cheating on someone else. Only, I could never see clearly, in my mind, who that someone else was, or is. I had to be certain. I needed to make sure that my affections for this other person in my past have not been incorrectly projected onto my private nurse. If the two of you were not one and the same person, then that would be very unfair to both of us, we would both be labouring under false pretences."

Ruth let out more sobs. "You haven't been talking to me very much for the past few weeks. I was worried that even if you did remember me, maybe you resented me or hated the fact that I chose to come back. If I didn't come back, you wouldn't have been shot." Ruth was caught up in more tears.

"Ruth, I could never resent or hate you, no matter what you may have done or not done. If it takes getting shot to get you back, that's a small price to pay." Harry meant it and he hoped that the look in his eyes was helping to put this message across.

"But you could have been killed!"

"Well, I wasn't, was I? You are my guardian angel. This wouldn't be the first time that I've told you, I don't know what I'd do without you. You nursed me back to health. Can you imagine what would happen to me if I was shot and you were not here to take care of me?" Harry planted a tentative kiss on Ruth's cheek.

"With you by my side, I am indestructible!"

Ruth put her hand to Harry's lips, "No, Harry, don't say that, don't tempt fate." As long as her fingers were already on his lips, Harry took advantage of the situation and started to kiss each of her fingers.

Ruth calmed down a little and took a few deep breaths. Her brain resumed normal functions. She was relieved that Harry still remembered her and was now showing signs of affection. But this brought on another question, something which had been bothering Ruth from the beginning of her journey back. She decided that this question had to be articulated and got out of the way.

"Harry, do you mind terribly that it was Jools Siviter who actually resurrected me?" Ruth took another breath before making the observation which had been bothering her. "I always thought that perhaps you might come for me yourself."

Harry had been dreading this moment ever since he realized that Rachel was really Ruth. That was one reason why he needed time to think and to formulate a response that would best reflect his feelings, a response which he owed to Ruth.

"I do feel bad that I didn't try as hard as I could have. Everything happened so quickly when you left. I was not given a chance, or the choice, to devise a plan to save you. I also thought that perhaps you wanted to get as far away from me as possible, since you rejected all of my romantic gestures." This was not some excuse. This was how Harry truly felt about the whole situation.

"That's not true Harry, I told you that at the time. I was not trying to get away from you. You know as well as I do that it was not as simple as that." Ruth looked at Harry with some incredibility in her eyes.

"I know, but I never had a chance to talk to you properly about that. I thought that perhaps everything became too much for you, the workload, all the machinations of Oliver Mace and on top of everything, me." Harry held Ruth's gaze intently.

He went on. "I missed you so much after you left, much more than I thought I would. You're the only one who has made me feel that way in a long time. During the times when the pain became unbearable, and there were a lot of those times, I somehow managed to convince myself that you might be better off with a new life. I always imagined that once you were settled in your new life, some nice young man would snap you up and that you would be starting your own family." Harry still has vivid memories of those painful times. In fact, this was one of the first memories about Ruth which Harry retrieved after regaining that portion of his memories related to her.

"How could you think that? Men have not been exactly beating a path to my door. You should know me by now, I don't get involved with any one just like that, not in that way." Ruth looked at Harry with an expression which was bordering on reproach.

"I know, but just because I was stupid and blind and took years before I realized what was happening between us does not mean that other men would not take immediate notice of your charms and attributes. Don't tell me that you were not aware that Dr. Middleton was quite smitten by you?" Harry asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Ooooh, I think he was rather harmless. I guess he felt sorry for me, that's all. Why didn't you say something?" The dull ache in Ruth's heart had slowly started to dissipate.

"I couldn't," Harry cried. "I have no right to make any comment on the private life of my nurse. Was Dr. Middleton the reason you didn't break cover even after I got better and started to remember things?"

"Yes." Ruth left it at that; she did not elaborate. She did not want to give Harry the chance to interrogate her about whether it was for romantic or medical reasons that prevented her from disclosing her true identity. Ruth was not interested in discussing Dr. Middleton or the advice which he had given her about revealing herself to Harry.

Harry was pleased to note that Ruth did not seem to have any interest in Dr. Middleton. Still, there was something which did not quite add up where the good doctor was concerned. He made a mental note to try and figure this one out, one day when he has nothing better to do. But right now, he had more explaining to do.

"I had rather assumed that after you left me, you were settling down to a happy new life. God knows you deserve all the happiness in the world, Ruth. If in your new life, you found happiness with someone else, then far be it for me to go barging in and upsetting the new order." Harry waited to see Ruth's reaction to what he just said. Ruth simply stared at her hands.

"If there was someone else and you no longer cared for me, it would embarrass you and make me look very foolish, not that I would mind looking foolish. But if there was a new man in your life though you still cared for me, I really have no business complicating your life any more than I already have." Harry tried to put on the most sincere expression he could display and hoped desperately that Ruth understood what he was trying to say.

Ruth did not know what to say. What Harry said made sense, in a weird sort of way. It was funny how she had similar thoughts about him a while back, thinking that perhaps he had moved on after she left. She felt immense regret that the two of them had wasted so much time and opportunity, second guessing each other's feelings. If only she had given Harry a chance. If only they had been truthful about their feelings towards each other. If only …

"But Jools Siviter is not the sort of person who does favours for any one, is he? Does it bother you that because of me, you are now somehow indebted to him?" Ruth was still not ready to let go of this subject.

"You're right. I now owe him a favour, but given the assassination attempt, that favour is probably not going to be as big as the one Jools originally hoped for. But don't worry, my love. Even though I don't trust Jools Siviter as far as the eye can see, he is someone I can do business with. The fact that in bringing you back, he has also rehabilitated a dozen or so other agents who were wrongfully discredited shows that his heart is in the right place. I'm sure that given time and opportunity, I will be able to get even with him, maybe get him to owe me a favour or two."

Harry was pleased that he appeared to have managed to explain himself quite well. He wanted to close the subject, but there remained one question he had to ask.

"Are you very disappointed with me, that I was not the one who went and brought you home?" Harry was pleading for forgiveness.

Ruth reached out to put her hand against Harry's cheek, caressing it gently.

"No, I am not disappointed with you at all. I am just happy to be back, and that I am here with you now."

Harry gave her another kiss, on the forehead.

"Its nice, us talking so fully and frankly with each other." Ruth was now feeling a whole lot better.

"Yes, it is. We should have done this a long time ago. But every time I tried, you ran away from me."

"I was scared."

"You needn't be." Harry kissed her again on her cheek. He wanted to take it further, but was unsure whether it was the right time to do so.

"Promise me that as long as we are together, we will always be completely honest with each other and take the time to hear what the other has to say," Harry asked.

"Yes, I promise." Ruth put her head on his shoulder. Harry ran his fingers through her hair.

"When you gave me notice just now, I thought that I had lost you forever," Ruth muttered. "I was all packed and ready to make a quick exit …"

When Ruth was packing, she was too lost in her grief over the impending end of her relationship to have noticed that Harry made a brief appearance outside her half closed bedroom door; he retreated as soon as he knew what was happening inside the bedroom. That was when he decided that the charade had to end today.

"That was just to tease you. I'm sorry for putting you through all that. It was very thoughtless of me. Forgive me?"

Ruth was about to say, I don't know, I might have to think about that, but Harry beat her to it with a kiss, this time on her lips. This kiss was not of the chaste variety which Ruth gave Harry on that dockside. This kiss was how a kiss between lovers should be: long, hard and passionate.

Now it all made sense to Ruth. The strange behaviour after Harry came back from his visits to the Grid. He had been testing her, or rather, his own memory. It would have been so simple for any one on the Grid to simply tell Harry, early on, that his private nurse was in fact the love of his life who went into hiding all those years ago; or for Ruth herself to come clean about who she really was. But Dr. Middleton had cautioned against doing that. He imposed a strict rule of no prompting Harry about his past.

Was John Middleton guilty of misleading the two of them? There was no hard evidence that the medical advice he gave was absolutely incorrect or negligent. Surely someone with Ruth's skills could have easily done some research in order to ascertain whether the doctor was giving correct medical advice. But Ruth was house bound at the safe house and did not have access to her usual avenues of research. Doctors were one of the most trusted of professionals and people tended to accept everything they say as gospel truth without further enquiry. There was always the possibility that Ruth was so flattered by John Middleton's interest in her that she did not consider that there might have been a chance John was working against a reunion between Ruth and Harry. At the end of the day, Harry did manage to remember Ruth all on his own. They would never know whether he might have done so sooner if he had prompting from someone.

If John Middleton was guilty of inappropriate behaviour as a physician, should he be reported to his superiors? Any attempt to discredit him would only harm his career, which would be a shame as he was otherwise a good doctor. If in fact the advice given by John Middleton was suspect and Harry should ever find out about this, he might go ballistic and ruin this young doctor, thought Ruth. She decided that she must never discuss Dr. Middleton with Harry.

Apologies to Kudos for quoting so extensively from one of their scripts.

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