a/n: first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! i wish you and your families and loved ones the very best for 2016! think about it, guys. only three more months until Allegiant! i'm so excited! anyhow, thank you for your reviews! i appreciate every single one of them, really! you help me a lot and i have no idea how to thank you! now enjoy the ninth chapter!
BONDINGS | 9TH CHAPTER
[ ERIC ]
. . . .
I like to watch her when she talks.
Tris is usually smiling when she does, even when she's not in the mood for it. Sometimes it is hard to focus on her eyes, because she tends to wildly gesture with her hands to somewhat avoid the emotions showing in her face, I guess. Of all of the people around here, she is the most transparent one. I can easily see through her but yet I always feel like I choose the wrong decisions when it comes to her — it had always been like that.
It's around seven in the morning and I'm already sitting in the dining hall, reducing my breakfast down to two cups of coffee at the maximum. I fucking hate it because I'm not able to get anything down at such an early hour. But still I need it to keep my eyes open at least until lunch break.
I can't even remember the last time I actually slept well.
Tiredly I rub my eyes, closing them for just a little second when I suddenly hear her laughing. I look up, feeling the tiredness slowly decreasing as I open up my eyes again. She just came down the stairs, having Christina on her right side and Four on her left — that pathetic moron keeps on following her like a dog. How idiotic!
I force myself to take another sip of the already cold coffee before I see Tris approaching me, obviously followed by Four.
"Morning," she says, trying her best to fake a smile. "you don't look so good."
"Skip the small talk. What do you want?" I demand harshly, literally seeing the frustration in her eyes.
I was honest when I said that I'm not avoiding her and it never was my intention to do so. But I'm well aware of the signs I give her, of which I shouldn't feel sorry about. Certain things sometimes go too far, so you need to push them back by force. No matter what it will take. That's what I have learned during my initiation.
"Well," she nervously claps her hands together to then fold her arms over her body. She wants to hide her insecurity — luckless. "I need to see the doctor today and I wanted to ask if you could take care of the initiates for me while I'm gone."
"Do I have a choice?" I shrug, letting my gaze wander around the room again as I catch one or two faces staring at me. Sometimes I wonder what exactly is making me so frightening. I used to think that I had it figured out. Back then I thought I knew what exactly makes me the terrible person I am, but she was able to change my mind from one day to the other. Tris is not scared of me, not at all. During her initiation I have done the worst to her and her friends. I literally forced her to leave this place — but she always managed to successfully stand up against me. How bad can I be when not even an Abnegation-girl is frightened by the cruelest leader of Dauntless?
In the corner of my eye I see Tris nodding before she turns around to leave, slowly disappearing in one of the hallways. I turn my head to the side, looking after her when I notice Four still standing next to me, taking a step closer. With a frown on my face I look up at him, being naive enough to believe that my intimidating stare alone would tell him what he's got to do next. It is his turn to flee, but it seems he doesn't even get it. I lean forward onto my elbows, letting out a frustrated sigh because I feel his appearance already giving me the signs of a bad headache.
"What are you waiting for, a fucking permission? Get lost." I growl at him.
Hesitantly he takes a seat in front of me and I lean back, crossing my arms over my chest as some kind of negative response to his discourtesy.
"You know, I'm still wondering —" Four begins to speak when the sound of a harsh and dark voice interrupts him. He turns around as I glance over his shoulder. Max is standing in front of the stairs, his eyes jumping from me to Four and back. With one hand he is still holding onto the rail and his posture is slightly stooping — he rather looks confused and old than commanding right now.
I couldn't care less about what Four tried to say, so I stand up and leave, walking toward Max, who is still having his eyes on me. The closer I come, the more furious his face seems to get and it reminds me how much I hate him in his position. I know exactly what he thinks about me but still he can't deny that in fact I'm indispensable as one of the leaders. There is nothing he could do to get rid of me anyway.
Max turns around as I approach him, raising his hand to give me a sign to follow him up the stairs. Both of us remain silent until we enter his office and I close the door behind me. The whole leadership is gathered in this small room. With my elbows I force my body between Trey and Tobi, who are instantly making half a step to the side.
"I'll make it short." says Max, slowly walking around his desk with his hands folded on his back. "A group of Factionless attacked two of our guards on the west side of the fence the other night. Yesterday they did it again, but this time it was a group of at least ten people not only attacking the guards at the fence, but also a few in the city. Meanwhile another group of Factionless had been caught as they tried to sneak into the headquarters of Erudite. I'm pretty sure that the attacks on our soldiers were meant to be some kind of distraction."
"But what exactly did they want at Erudite?" Tobi utters as she steps forward, brushing my arm as she does.
"I don't know." Max shakes his head. "Three Factionless are currently kept under observation here at the headquarters. They were disguised as Dauntless but our men were able to catch and uncover them before they were able to trespass the building. They refuse to give us more information."
"Well, then." I cross my arms over my chest as I speak. "Scare the shit out of them and make them talk."
"We're going as far as the rules allow us to do. Anyhow, this is the plan: every compound of the Factionless will be kept under guards for the next few weeks. A group of soldiers has already been sent out this morning to install observation cameras at their places, so they'll be watched day and night by our men and women in the control room. Tonight a troop will be sent out to ward the Erudite headquarters. These troops will be lead by me for the next couple of days."
For the next fifteen minutes Max keeps on talking, explaining the details and assigning tasks to us. Again he walks around the table, keeping his sharp eyes on every face for at least two seconds until he stops right in front of me. He's surveying me from only half a step distance and I'm sure that I have seen a little bit of distrust in his eyes. It makes me go furious from one second to the other, but I'm not going to make him notice.
With only twenty-five years I may be the youngest of all the other leaders, but I have showed him more than once that I'm perfectly made for my job.
"I'll be leading the troops at the Erudite compound from our headquarters, while you will stay there with them overnight. Tris will be responsible for the initiates until their final test, so you don't have to take care of them for the last days."
I nod without saying another word, leaving the room quickly as soon as Max allowed us to go.
. . . .
The rest of the day went by fast. Due to Tris's absence I had to take care of the initiates in the simulation room. The longer I watched these kids living their worst fears for just a few minutes, the more I was wondering what exactly fucked them up that much. Then again I thought about the first time I had to face my fears and I started to ask myself the same question.
I'm standing in front of my apartment door when I hear her calling my name. I turn around to watch Tris rushing up the stairs, approaching me with a smile on her face.
"Hey," she says quietly. "can I come in?"
I hesitate for a second before I open the door, waiting for her to enter. Without saying anything she takes a seat on the couch while I get her something to drink. Then I sit down right next to her, keeping the distance between us, even though I would like to have her a little bit closer to me.
"I worry about you." she begins carefully. In the corner of my eye I see her moving. Then I feel her hand slowly sliding down my arm until she stops at my wrist, pulling it back again.
"No need to do that." I say. I know that she is referring to this morning, but I won't let her go into it any further. "What about you? Everything's alright?"
She nods, her eyes gazing anywhere but into my direction — just like I expected it. She remains silent for the next few seconds.
"Well, honestly nothing's alright. Four seems to spend a lot of time in the control room lately, or so he says. He said we'd meet in the dining hall for dinner when I'm back but he didn't come. And now I'm here at your apartment and I know that you too just want me to leave."
"I don't want you to leave." I protest, sighing in frustration because this is definitely not what I need right now. If she just came here to cry her heart out about her relationship and the things I do wrong, then I might change my mind about her presence.
"You don't act like you'd want me around, either."
"What the fuck are you expecting?" She turns her head to me as I frown at her, almost shouting, even though I didn't intend to raise my voice that much. I pause, taking a deep breath to firstly calm down before I speak. "What exactly do you want me to do? Jump for joy whenever I see you? I'm currently having other things on my mind."
"I'm sorry." she says carefully. I lean back slowly, not saying anything because I have no idea how to react to that.
Deep down I know that she doesn't even need to apologize for anything. I'm the one to speak out these two words for everything I have done so far — or for what I haven't done. But fuck, honestly the future is scaring the shit out of me and I have no idea what to do next because in my position it is hard to tell the wrong from the right at the moment. I'm not prepared for that one thing that is coming at me right now and I feel defenseless.
"I spoke to Max today, right after I came back from the hospital. He told me about the attacks of the Factionless. I think they are up to something much worse than just sneaking into the Erudite headquarters. I was at my parent's house the other night and I saw two Factionless carrying something that looked like guns."
"Guns?" I repeat, making sure that I heard correctly about what she just said. "Are you sure?"
"Well, yes." she nods. "Unless hallucination is a side effect of pregnancy, of which I've never heard before."
She had to bring it up — whatever. If she is telling the truth, it must mean that somebody is funneling the Factionless with weapons. Or they really were successful when they sneaked in into the Erudite headquarters, because I know that they have a hidden armory for extreme emergencies.
"He also told me that you'd have to stay with the guards at Erudite overnight and that I'm now responsible for the initiates until they take their final test." she adds, talking about it like it would be some kind of bad joke.
"Yes, right." I say, taking a look at my watch. "I gotta go soon."
"Wait!" she places her hand on my shoulder, holding me back before I could stand up. Then she hesitates before she speaks. "Today I had my first ultrasound scan. It doesn't look like a human yet, but I was able to recognize the little heartbeats. The baby is well so far. I thought you might want to know."
"That's ... good." I say, swallowing hard as I look to the door. Then I stand up. "I need to go now."
Not exchanging any more words, we leave the apartment. After locking the door, I watch her walking down the stairs and I notice that she's wiping her tears away once again. Once more I feel the thoughts of wrong decisions and regrets creeping up on me — how idiotic.
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