Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. Never have, never will.
Shapes loomed on the very edge of Avalon's vision, weaving in and out of existence. Every time her peripheral vision would catch movement, she would spin wildly around, hoping against hope that it was him, and he was alright, and nothing had changed. But things were there instead, deceiving things that had tentacles and other nasty, multiple appendages.
She backed away in fright every time it happened, scared that they would reach out and grab her with their slimy tentacles and take her to deep, dark places that no human should ever go.
Everything was a greenish-blue, like an aquamarine. It was as if she was looking at the scene through eyeglasses that had that colored tint. Even her own skin looked that way in this light. And still she walked on, never running or flying, only walking. She didn't know where she was going, or what she would find there, but there was a pit in her stomach that told her it wasn't going to be pretty. She just had to concentrate on not fainting when she arrived.
Far away, a million lifetimes away, she heard fighting. The stench of fear and betrayal lurked in Avalon's nostrils, fighting for a permanent place in her brain. She kept walking inexplicably toward the sounds that sent pangs of terror up and down her spine.
Finally, she reached the end of the tunnel. Down below, a fallen angel lay broken on the cold ground and a nymph stood over him, protecting him at any cost. Her tears ran down her face and formed into a whip that lashed out and struck down her oppressors, machines that showed no feeling. They wore masks over their faces so that each one wore the same frozen, bitter expression. In the middle of the army of machines stood a devil. It was neither a he nor a she. It stood in sharp contrast to the dying angel at the nymph's feet. It radiated everything that had gone wrong from the beginning of time, from the mournful cry of the first baby to the heart-breaking squeal of the first wild pig-chicken that that was hunted for its meat to the last, dying breath of a loved one who left before their time was up.
Avalon scowled at the devil, wishing she could strike it down, then and there, so that it could cause no more pain in the world. Suddenly, the devil's body erupted in flames and still its harsh laughter rang from it, like beautiful bells that had been cast for a church but were instead carried at the head of a tyrant's army, pealing out woe and death for any who heard their warning cries.
A little light spilled from Avalon's pocket. It rose up to her face and warmed her heart. She smiled at it, this little ball of light, and wanted it to stay forever, so it could warm her and keep her safe. It reached out and brushed the tip of her nose with one of its rays, and then her hair, already yellowed by the sun that had made its way into her mother's womb when she had still taken up residence there. But the devil called to her pocket of sunshine, and it turned abruptly away from Avalon. For just a moment, the dark things on the edge of her vision had been held at bay by the light, but they rushed back in as soon as it left with greater intensity than ever. She cried for it, for it to come back and be with her, but it would not heed her.
She leapt after it, trying to capture it in the safe confines of her arms, but it slipped from her grasp and joined the devil at its side. Avalon whimpered once more, an almost silent plea for the light that had blinded her so that the rest of the world was now an even darker place than before. But the light burst, and morphed into a minotaur, an angry half bull-half man whose circumstances went beyond its control, cursed to forever wander the labyrinth of life, never to escape, always to be lost.
Avalon stood staring mournfully at her poor sunshine that no longer saw her through its own troubles. The army of darkness moved around her, swallowing her in one swift, gulp, and even as she fell through the perpetual night she wished that she could give whatever she had left to save the minotaur, to find it and lead it out of the maze and then watched as it transformed back into that bouncing globe of happiness.
It heard her then, wishing with all her heart for it to find its way home, and it did, it left, but Avalon knew as she plummeted that it would never, ever bring her the same warmth and joy that it had and yet she felt some measure of satisfaction, knowing that she had saved it.
Avalon stiffened her back and prepared for her eyes to pop open to see the tangled mess of sheets that had become her bed and her hand to wipe the cold sweat from her forehead. She had had this dream many times, and it no longer made her scream like it used to. At the beginning it had only gone to the point where Zuko left her and the darkness came poring in, but things kept adding on, making the dream more bearable, if only slightly so.
This time, she didn't wake up. She kept falling. Avalon's first instinct was to release gravity's hold over her and rise up against the odds. To her extreme surprise and delight, she did. She started soaring upwards, the darkness thinning by degrees. At some point, she knew then, a tiny pinprick of light would appear at the end of the tunnel. She kept flying and flying, but it never came. Finally, Avalon realized that she had to give up.
She would never reach the top. She was too tired. This false hope had eaten at her insides, and now she was emptier than before. The fall back down to despair would be even worse the second time around. As she gave herself up to her fate, the light bobbed in front of her eyes. It was like the light of the angler fish in the deep oceans of the world. It tempted her to grab on, but Avalon knew that if she did she could end up in a worse place than this. But what about the possibility that that next place would be better?
What if what some said was true, after you died, your spirit went to a paradise, a safe haven? What if grabbing onto that light meant dying and pain and suffering, but it also promised heaven afterwards? What if it was telling the truth? What if it wasn't? Could she submit to it, knowing that if it ever left her again, she would be too blinded by it to live?
That was when she finally woke up, scowling instead of screaming.
Aren't dreams and sleep supposed to unwind your mind, not provoke it even farther? She thought irately. And tonight's was a weird one, no doubt. At the very end, questions had just bombarded her mind, questions she had no answer to. It was easy enough for her to relate the things in her dream to the things in her life, something that hadn't come so easily the first time she had it. Fortunately, her mind wasn't that cryptic and it wanted to make sure that any subconscious messages it sent made their way to the conscious part.
Avalon stumbled out of bed and washed her face groggily in the washbasin at the far end of the room. She collapsed back onto her childhood bed, smiling up at all the tiny holes she had put in the ceilings and the walls with darts or other various, pointy objects. Pappy had never had the heart to cover them up. Poor old man, she thought, he doesn't deserve a substitute daughter like me, he deserves his real one.
So does Mums. She needs someone to pamper and listen to and be needed by, not a flighty orphan. Avalon had never given them the respect or love they deserved. Her mother had gone into labor while passing through the town, and after she died, her father hung himself, devout to follow her mother wherever she went. And Pappy and Mums had taken in the tiny baby with the fair hair, a baby whose parents they didn't even know personally.
Many years before that, Mums had given birth to a baby girl. But the baby had been premature and had died from frailty, if such a thing is possible in a home where so much love flowed so freely. They had never tried again. And now all they had was a damaged shell of a girl, never their daughter, but always loved so.
A soft knock at the door preceded the flood of light that ended Avalon's train of thought. That, and a baby wailing. Kailee peeked her head around the door and Avalon sat up and smiled at her.
"Hey, Ava, I was just wondering if you could baby-sit Charlie for the afternoon. Me and Riley are supposed to help Mums pick berries."
"I'd be delighted," Avalon grinned, and was pleasantly surprised to find herself telling the truth, even though she knew that Kailee could simply bring the baby along, because berry picking wasn't that difficult of a physical activity.
"Great!" Kailee exclaimed, swinging the door open fully to reveal arms full of blankets and wooden toys.
Avalon had fed Charlie and changed his mess and burped him and played with him all afternoon. Now she sat with her chin in her hands, resting on the table, peering into Charlie's big, brown eyes, trying to decipher what he was thinking about.
"You gotta great family, you know that?" she asked him suspiciously, like his greatest crime in life was not appreciating his family.
Charlie gurgled happily in response.
"Your mom, now, she's the toughest person I know. Well, maybe not tough, more resilient. She's a couple of years older than me, like five or something. She had a brother once; his name was Charlie, just like yours. But he died … because of me."
Charlie stared at her with such a concentrated gaze that a driblet of drool poked out of his mouth.
"And her parents died, before that. So she was the only person left in her family. I can't imagine what that was like, to have a family and then lose them. I just know what its like not to have a family, which is better in some ways."
Charlie nodded his wise baby head in response.
"So you better hold onto to them with all your worth, baby, 'cause they're the most important thing in your life."
Charlie pursed his lips, swearing the oath.
"Friends, that's another type of family. You see, Charlie, family doesn't end at blood. I suppose that's how people get married or something. Keep lots of friends, Charlie, but only a few close ones."
Charlie swallowed this next pearl of wisdom in the form of some spit-up he had been contemplating getting rid of.
"Now, love, Charlie, is something you must be wary of. I'm not talking about family love, which is undying no matter what happens, but love-love, with someone who's not your family, but still a part of you. If you can help it, choose who you fall for. Don't go for the bad boy. Oops, sorry, girl in your case. 'Cause they're just gonna scar you. Don't go for the mysterious one, 'cause they're just gonna send you spinning in circles. Don't go for the exotic one either, 'cause they'll confuse you so bad with their strange ways. But instead, fall for the safe one, the boy, sorry again, girl next door, 'cause you will always know where you are with them. That's what I should've done. I should've stayed here and loved your uncle, even if I would've never been completely satisfied."
Avalon paused for a moment, digesting her own advice. She had never said that aloud before.
"Never mind, forget everything I just said. It's not like you have a choice anyway."
Charlie sighed and reached out for Avalon's hair. She let him pull it and mull it over in his tiny, baby hands before she sighed too and lifted him into her arms. She rocked him and cooed at him and blew bubbles at him with her mouth.
He giggled happily, that unique giggle of a baby, so pure, so innocent, so free.
"You are a pretty little thing though," she said to him, "I never was much of a child person."
Avalon babbled on for a while, about her dreams, about her hopes for Charlie's future, things like that, until she looked down and noticed he was sleeping soundly. It was a strange feeling Avalon got then, that feeling that someone had just put their undying trust in you and you were their sole protector.
The most profound thing about it was that Charlie felt safe enough to sleep in her arms when she didn't even feel secure enough to hold her body upright. It was a nice feeling, overall.
Last night finally wormed its way into her thoughts. She was sill in denial that Zuko had actually kissed her. She hadn't seen him since she fled from the quarry. She didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed. She still had to choose a path.
Avalon knew of only two choices: keep falling, knowing no end to the pain, or grab onto him tightly, praying that paradise, and not the next level of hell, awaited her on the other side.
Author's note – This was just sort of a filler chapter, to let you guys know what's going through Avalon's mind and give you a break from all the drama. And I'm going on vacation, so another won't be put up for a while. Reviews are still welcome though!
Celtic Goddess of Fertility