A/N: I cannot stress enough how important the Epilogue will be
It had been three days since their passionate reunion and Kyle was restless.
Whereas Eric had school, Rugby and coping with his mom, to distract him, Kyle felt at a loss. It seemed that their make-up tryst had sent him relapsing into the amorous, rich days of their still very young relationship; When Eric was still awed by the concept of romance and Kyle was still arrogant enough to write this whole thing off as a fling. He also often thought of the week Eric spent here with him, totally committed to each other.
Kyle resented how obsessive he was being, how, regardless of his overwhelming affections, he had somehow prioritized Eric over everything else. Before, he would've thought nothing of it. Now, with their relationship at a straining distance and Eric not an everyday face who appeared at his front door, he was starting to chastise himself for being so pathetic.
Still, when Kyle received a text from Eric, or they had just finished another conversation over the phone, Kyle would wonder if Eric shared his insecurities regarding their relationship, or if he could still smell Kyle on his sheets. His scent still detectable even through the mask of fabric softener.
Kyle was optimistic when Eric agreed to come to his apartment, he had promised Kyle during lunch break that he would take the bus to Denver, straight from school. If this meeting was as successful as their last one, it would instill more confidence in Kyle, that things could be strengthened, like they were before. Maybe Eric could let Kyle be more involved in his life back home? Admit that he needed more support? Instead of giving Kyle lukewarm, false assurances that he was okay, which Kyle had to counter himself. He would rather Eric tell him the painful truth than pretend.
Kyle had just finished typing a couple of thousand words of his possible novel, when he heard the familiar knock. It broke Kyle's heart a little that maybe nothing would come of the story he cared so much about, the story he wrote when he was feeling doubtful or anxious, sleepless or bored. It was something he worked on when he had a lack of motivation for articles, a covert way to connect with Eric without using his name. A publisher wouldn't take those emotional pulls into account when reading the completed manuscript.
"It's open!" Kyle shouted, closing his laptop and turning his chair almost expectantly.
Eric opened the door shyly, looking around Kyle's apartment as if it was not safe to enter. As if he was deliberating whether to leave. Kyle flinched at the possibility, watching silently as Eric surveyed the place, had he even seen Kyle sitting in the chair?
"Hey" Kyle said, his voice sounding unwillingly loud and impatient in the thick quiet.
"Oh, hey" Cartman laughed uncomfortably, his shoulders almost hunching defensively, it reminded Kyle of a tortoise retreating back to its shell.
Eric slid his backpack from his shoulders, letting it drop to his ankles before softly kicking it so it lingered more in the threshold of the apartment. Just like him. Lingering, intentionless and Kyle almost felt a prick of anger in chest when he thought that Eric probably believed he didn't notice.
"You have been here before" Kyle tried to teasingly remind him.
"I know" Cartman replied defensively.
"Aren't you gonna come in?" Kyle asked, standing up and walking over to him.
Cartman nodded when Kyle was closer, but it felt like the kind of answer you would give to somebody who you want to please out of pity, it was insincere but yet meant to comfort. Cartman hated having to please Kyle to avoid hurting his feelings (because he felt he owed Kyle that) rather than pleasing him because he genuinely wanted to. Cartman castigated himself for the realization, wishing the desire to have Kyle pin him against the wall, kiss him hard and touch him with knowing hands came as fervently as it did before, when Kyle's number was still faded ink on his arm.
Cartman whimpered when Kyle's hand slid up his face, his fingers gliding through his hair, demolishing any kinks caused by the wind. Kyle effortlessly held Cartman's unwitting gaze, the admirable love that coated Kyle's irises made him blind to Cartman's own surprised gaze.
Only when Cartman heard the door click shut, did he realize he was inside, led by Kyle's namelessly powerful hold.
Three days ago they were in an inescapable embrace, now they were staring at each other hesitantly, trying to decode their intentions and not willing to make the first move.
Cartman shivered pleasurably when Kyle's coarse palm slid down from his hair to the nape of his neck. His skin prickled and his nipples hardened under his shirt at the touch, Kyle always managed to rouse something. Cartman wished his cock would harden too, so he could press Kyle closer and try to convince him even more that he wanted him, and maybe it would be enough to convince himself as well. The thought of being fucked made him squirm, and Kyle's hopeful smile made him cringe. Mostly because he knew that getting an erection wasn't what Kyle needed, to know that he still loved him.
Kyle couldn't keep staring at Eric's face anymore, trying to figure out what his troubling expression meant. He strengthened his grip on Eric's neck and leaned up to kiss his lips.
Cartman's eyes were lidded when Kyle kissed him and he never realized how handsomely pretty Kyle looked when he did that or the extent of his efforts when they kissed. Even now, it seemed like Kyle wanted to give Cartman everything, every last drop of affection and lust. And when he felt Kyle's tongue lick at his mouth, he moaned and let him in, because there was something so desirable about Kyle's devotion to the simple act of kissing.
"I've been thinking about you all day" Kyle confessed, the vulnerability straining at his voice and he felt prematurely exposed in Eric's arms.
Cartman furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to say it back, wanting to say anything that expressed the love that Cartman was undoubtedly sure was still there. But lying to Kyle would've made him feel guilty and he didn't want to spoil the remainder of the afternoon by being dishonest.
"You have?" Eric murmured, his lips on Kyle's cheek. Kyle deflated when Eric broke the kiss, almost breaking away from him too.
Kyle nodded, nuzzling into Eric before asking "How are you? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine" Cartman answered too quickly. Its velocity starving it of any meaning and Kyle had heard it too many times before.
"Forget it..." Kyle muttered, shaking his head in disappointment and pushing himself away from Eric.
There was only so far you could venture in a small apartment, but Kyle needed to get away. He decided to go to his bedroom, not caring if Eric followed him.
"What?" Cartman asked disbelievingly, traipsing after him anyway "Kahl, what?"
"This was a mistake" Kyle admited, hating himself for it, his arms crossed tightly over his chest as if to contain himself "You coming here was obviously a mistake"
"How was this a mistake?" Cartman asked although he supposed he knew that before Kyle did.
"Don't, Eric!" Kyle shouted, releasing his chest and his hands were balled up into pale, confrontational, angry fists at his side "Don't act like what I'm saying is wrong! I just figured it out to spare you from saying it."
Cartman stared at Kyle for a long time, their breathing somehow becoming synchronized, influencing each other in the silence they had both created "Saying what?"
"You didn't wanna come here today" Kyle replied, nodding smugly and triumphantly for figuring out something he secretly knew. "But to avoid upsetting me, you showed up anyway"
Cartman looked away guiltily, afraid of what Kyle could say next.
"I guess I should thank you for that." Kyle added. And that stung even more. Because Cartman felt he was undeserving of Kyle's thanks.
Cartman shook his head incredulously and Kyle wondered what the Hell he could have to be incredulous about. But Cartman felt he had quite a lot. All the things that he kept from Kyle, to protect his feelings at the cost of being honest. Knowing that if he said all he wanted to say, he could ruin it all.
"Well, what did you expect, Kahl?!" Cartman snapped "For everything to go back to how it was before? Like nothing happened?"
"Yes, is that so bad?!" Kyle replied, the volume of his voice escalating the pathetically naïve honesty and Cartman didn't know how Kyle would be so childishly hopeful. "You'd be lying if you tell me that you like things the way they are. That you like being apart from me and feeling like we're slowly becoming strangers to one and other. I hate it. I fucking hate it. And worst of all, is that you make me feel like you don't care-"
"That is so fucking unfair, Kahl!" Cartman interrupted, his voice breaking with the injustice of Kyle's words. "I care about you more than I've ever cared about anybody-"
Kyle rolled his eyes and groaned in frustration before interrupting impatiently "I know! Alright, I know! But the issue isn't that you don't care about me, it's that you don't care about us! That you're scared of making this better, for whatever reason that you're too paranoid to admit to yourself, so why the fuck would you tell me, huh?"
Cartman glared at the snide tone of Kyle's voice, hating it so searingly. His voice became darker, more solid in tone when he replied, almost seething "We made a pact. A pact that was your God damn idea. That we would embrace this change-"
"Well, I don't wanna embrace it, anymore! I don't wanna embrace the idea that I could be losing you-"
"You could never lose me..." Cartman shook his head dismissively. But his words were still ardent and heavy with an enormous amount of sincerity.
"But you could be losing me" Kyle replied, it made Cartman snap his eyes back to Kyle with a trembling, alive fear that painted Kyle's features with apologetic hurt. But Kyle didn't regret it, it needed to be said. He smiled exasperatedly and continued, his voice wavering yet strong. "Because that's how it's always been, right? I'm the one who's expected to hold on through everything and daren't let you go. I'll do anything, literally anything, to keep you from slipping away. Meanwhile, I'm in constant danger of falling from your grip and it's like you don't even notice, it's like you don't even acknowledge that we're disposable. As much as we love each other, we're disposable. It's how relationships work."
"I never meant to make you feel that way-" Cartman began softly, stepping over to Kyle, his hand extended out to him and he prayed Kyle would take it.
"Of course you didn't!" Kyle exclaimed, stepping closer to Eric but ignoring his gesture. "But you can't control how I feel! Or how I perceive these things!"
"Exactly!" Cartman protested and Kyle winced. "I thought that you knew how much I was fighting to keep you with me!"
"Oh, you were fighting, huh?" Kyle laughed sardonically. He stepped closer, almost squaring up to Eric. "Prove it" He challenged, his jaw straight.
"What?"
"Prove it" Kyle repeated louder, as if it were no big deal. But he gritted his teeth and his eyes sparked when he continued "If you're so God damn passionate and intent on keeping me, then prove it"
There was a part of Kyle that was regretting this. The way Eric was staring at him, his breathing short and labored and his mouth set in a defiant, affronted line. If he didn't know him so well, Kyle could have sworn he was about to be punched. Regardless, there was a fear there. A fear that Kyle couldn't, or didn't want to, place.
Growling, Cartman grabbed a fistful of Kyle's curls and smashed their mouths together. A heady mixture of blinding anger and proud, fervid determination. Cartman simmered slightly when Kyle matched him, reaching further into the kiss and he moaned when Eric's hand softened around his now throbbing scalp and instead encompassed his face, his thumb pulling apart the kiss at the corner of their mouths. They laughed shakily, Kyle wanted to suck it, to taste the unpretty salt of his skin. Instead, Eric clawed at Kyle's back, twisting the material of his shirt and pressing Kyle further into the embrace. Kyle whined, feeling constricted and his arms scrambled for purchase around Eric's neck, struggling in the kiss but not wanting it to end.
Still, Kyle burned shamefully at his unwanted erection, hating when Eric felt it against his leg like a sign of victory. No. Eric wasn't going to win. Kyle blamed his trademark stubbornness, but also the more heart wrenching fact that this wasn't enough. Their turbulent, intense attraction wasn't enough of a reason for Eric to keep fighting. And Kyle knew that Eric was capable of proving that.
Before Kyle could pull away, Eric had pinned him against the bedpost. His kisses turning into ferocious pleas, simpering yet biting Kyle's kiss-flushed lips. And Kyle didn't want to let go, he wanted to let Eric keep capturing his mouth, trapping him like this. Whenever he noiselessly protested, Eric's mouth or tongue would be there, to wonderfully silence him and Kyle couldn't help but give in.
"Eric" Kyle gasped, choking. Eric's hand gripping Kyle's hip as Kyle canted against Eric's thigh.
"I fucking love you" Cartman pleaded into Kyle's neck, invading the caverns of Kyle's fingers with his own.
Kyle almost sobbed at the feeling of them being so chastely connected, the unbearable sadness of Eric's words and he recoiled at how selfish they both were being. How for Kyle, this had devolved into cold pleasure, while for Eric, it was a display of love that had backfired.
"No" Kyle moaned, now fighting in Eric's arms. Although they seemed like the best place to be. "No, let me go!"
"Wait... Kahl..." Eric tried to protest, because if he lets Kyle go, what would Kyle do then?
"Fuck you!" Kyle helplessly whined, pushing Eric away violently but trembling with remorse when he sees the evident hurt on Eric's face.
"Kahl-"
"No!"
"God fucking damn it, Kahl! Tell me what it is that you want! What the Hell do you want?" Cartman begged, his voice scratchy and too loud.
Kyle sighed, annoyed, embarrased that his pants were still tenting with his now aching, unattended erection and because he can't sink any lower, and because he thinks Eric deserves to know, he admits "I want things to be like they were three days ago. When I came to your house after our fight and you held me and kissed me so unconditionally and you made me feel like you could love me in spite of anything. Regardless of any mistake I could make. And when I made love to you, I could've sworn we were back at the beginning."
There are tears in Kyle's eyes and he's both jealous and overwhelmingly saddened by the scene in his head. The people he and Eric were a mere three days ago and he wonders how they got here. He wants to apologize to them, he wants to comfort the drained, forlorn Eric standing in front of him now, reeling from Kyle's words. This Eric, the one who he can still taste and who is on the verge of tears himself, is the boy Kyle loves and he wishes they could stop fighting. But it isn't over yet.
But Cartman delivered the crushing blow "We can't ever have that again, Kahl." He simply said, shaking his head because he wishes it wasn't true. "Not unless you want to be stuck in a cycle of hurting and forgiving each other."
"But we did have that!" Kyle exclaimed, this frail hope making him almost manic "Hell, at one point, that was all we had! And I figure that if we had that once, we're capable of having it again!"
"No! No, we're not!" Cartman shouted, clearly agitated by Kyle's unwillingness to face it "Because maybe you haven't changed, but I have!"
"What are you talking about?" Kyle asked nervously, wanting to divert his gaze.
"Do you think I'm happy?" Cartman asked so matter-of-factly that it threw Kyle completely.
"What?" Was all Kyle could unintelligibly say.
"Do you think I'm happy?" Cartman repeated in a way that was almost farcical.
Kyle glared at Eric for a second, expecting him to burst into laughter. But, instead, Kyle sighed, reminded by the seriousness of it all before muttering "No"
"Correct" Cartman replied, the distress seeping through "I'm confused and terrified and I don't need the added pressure of trying to make you feel good about yourself!"
"What pressure?" Kyle snapped indignantly, scared by the anger that had flared in his chest "I never fucking wanted to put pressure on you! I'm just worried-"
"About what?" Cartman interrupted, edging closer
"Your fucking mental wellbeing!I need to know that you're okay! Everything I have ever done for you, every time I put my neck on the God damn line and risked getting hurt, I did it because I want you to be okay!" Kyle retorted
Cartman rolled his eyes before snapping harshly "Clearly I'm not okay. But that's none of your damn business."
"I can't believe you" Kyle whimpered, shaking his head and gritting his teeth at the uncontrollable tears in his eyes "I can't fucking believe you!" He cried.
"What?" Cartman shouted back.
"It is my damn business when I'm so hopelessly, pathetically in love with you, you ungrateful bastard!" Kyle cried, unable to look at him.
"Ungrateful?!" Cartman reeled, the word reverberating through him.
"Yes!"
Cartman shook his head, pursing his lips together to stop him from sobbing angrily. Kyle had betrayed him again with a hurt that he never thought he was capable of. Cartman covered his face with his hands, thoroughly wiped out and defeated and when he sighed so brokenly Kyle softened. Swaying with the force of the razored emotions that were destroying him, he wanted to take Eric's hands and hold them in his own.
"I know you don't mean that" Cartman spoke through the shield of his hands. When he finally revealed his face, it was tear stained and hardened with anger. "But I'm not your fucking responsiblity! I'm 18! I'm an adult! I may not have grand, wise philosophies on the world, or all the answers, but I'm smart enough to know that life is unfair and fucked up and I can take care of myself! There are so many people I have to answer to and impress and I never thought you would be one of them! Because you're different to me, too! And I loathe the possibility that you could be like everybody else!"
When Kyle doesn't reply, struggling to find fault in himself, but struggling to deny it too, Cartman sighs and continues. His voice was softer, filled with budding wisdom that Kyle couldn't help but be proud of "Believe me, I miss how things were before, but we can't fucking get that back, Kahl. Because that's one of the cruelest things about the universe, right? It doesn't let us enjoy things a little while longer. Or for a second time. See, I'm smart enough to know that life doesn't revolve around dates or old movies or apartment fucking rooftops. And the fact is, right now, you just come off to me as somebody who has no fucking idea. I'm smart enough to know that life is often unfathomably difficult. So why can't you, huh? Come on, as a grown man, why can't you just accept that?"
"You don't think I've accepted that?" Kyle asked, calmly as he possibly could. But he gripped his hair in frustration when he snapped "Why do you have to be so disobliging, huh?"
"Disobliging?"
"Yeah, it means 'Deliberately unhelpful'"
"I fucking know what it means! And I've never deliberately hurt you! Why would I want to?"
"But you have!" Kyle argued. "You have, you just don't see it!"
"Then tell me!" Cartman demanded.
"Maybe I do have to accept that things are inevitably going to change between us." Kyle admitted honestly, but he was still saddened by the undeniable fact "Good or bad, I honestly have no idea. But you have to accept people's help sometimes! It's alright to be dependant, it's normal! Not having anybody, is fucking miserable!"
"But I want you!" Cartman protested, seizing Kyle with every ounce of fight he has in him and he hates it when Kyle flinches "I just don't want us to go on like this!"
"We don't have to! We can make this better! See, this is why you're disobliging! You act like this isn't fixable. For you, the worst possible outcome, is the only outcome. Maybe you don't know any different. But I'm different, what we have is different. It's something that needs a little work, but it'll be worth it. You're just too cynical and haunted to even consider it."
Cartman opened his mouth to say something, but then decided against it. He felt like there was nothing he could say, after all, there was this deep-seated knowledge that he could never give Kyle what he truly wanted. Somebody who was fixable, Cartman felt it was too late for him now. He loosened his grip on Kyle, but that wasn't enough to sever their connection; even when it wavered with doubt.
Kyle held him at arms length when he calmly said "I'm gonna ask you something. And a part of me, that I need you to prove wrong, is telling me that you're not gonna give me the answer I want." He was terrified, his hands were shaking at Eric's shoulders
He hated how Eric was shaking too.
"Okay" Cartman swallowed and although Kyle was scared, he still felt the need to protect him.
"Do you honestly think this is fixable?" Kyle asked, tears already sliding down his face. "Because I can't do this without you"
"Kahl-" Cartman sobbed, he wanted to beg him to stop.
"No" Kyle said in that authoritative voice that always made Eric feel safe, even now. "No hesitations or excuses, I need you to tell me the truth."
"I don't know" Cartman whispered, pressing his wrists to his burning eyes.
"You don't know, what?" Kyle asked, peering closer at Eric's face. Wanting a second chance.
"That this is fixable." Cartman finished, an apology dying in the back of his waterlogged throat.
Cartman despaired at the devastation of his words. The impact written on Kyle's face tragically. He felt Kyle's fingers wilting and he couldn't bear to look at him any longer. Cartman turned away, determined to bite back his tears, and it was almost as if Kyle was disappearing, fading into the same catalog of memories that these past few weeks had held. Cartman could've sworn he had made him up, that he was a vibrant, colorful figment of his lonely imagination, who had the cure and the answer to everything. In a way, that would've been better. But Cartman still felt Kyle, under his skin, influencing his thoughts and breaking his heart.
Touching his face.
"Eric, please look at me" Kyle limply begged, although there was no need, as far as Cartman was concerned.
Cartman looked at him and Kyle's smile was so sad, it was going to dissolve into a frown any minute.
Kyle kissed Eric's forehead, his lips lingering for longer than usual and neither of them wanted it to end. Kyle's tears splashed on Cartman's skin, claiming his own face.
"You should go..." Kyle tearfully whispered.
Cartman nodded, he walked out of Kyle's bedroom, picked up his school bag and left the apartment without a single look back. That would've just been foolish.
He didn't cry on the bus journey home, his throat was too dry, and to Cartman, what just happened, didn't qualify as a memory, it was too soon, it was biding its time. He knew it would break him eventually, that was a given.
However, when his front door was shut behind him, Cartman just stood there. Helpless to the point that he no longer recognized himself, scrambling to cling to the only thing in his life that was real and promising that was now potentially, irreversibly ruined.
Cartman covered his face with his hands, the tears burning in his chest but his eyes and palms remained dry. The heat in his chest threatening to implode if he doesn't sob right here in the hallway.
"Eric?" He heard his mom call from the living room, but he didn't reply.
"Eric! Oh my God!" Cartman registered the perfumed, lithe arms attempting to encompass him before he heard the alarmed, concerned voice that must have preceded it. "Poopsikins, what's wrong?"
And although Cartman would never tell her, it still felt unconditionally comforting to know somebody was there.
Stan had been Kyle's best friend long enough to know when something had gone horribly wrong in his life. Since it was Kyle, his decline into emotional Hell occurred in three specific stages and ran like clockwork.
1. Panicking that nothing is ever going to get better and that he has nothing to live for. This was either done in an empty room where Kyle could pace back and forth and attempt to rip his hair out, or on the phone to Stan, where, usually, Kyle left no interval for Stan to interject or even give himself time to breathe.
2. Dangerous over confidence, bordering on denial. Where Kyle assumed that everything had worked out way too soon and that there was nothing left to be fixed.
3. Feeling the need to get stupidly drunk by ordering four scotches in one go and then pouring his heart out to Stan, with as much honesty as the alcohol would allow him to divulge.
So at 11PM on a Tuesday night, seven hours after Kyle had told Eric to leave his apartment, it seemed Kyle had sped straight through to #3.
Stan had received a phone call at 10PM, from an unsettled Kyle, asking, begging, Stan to meet him at the bar across the street from Kyle's apartment. Half an hour later, Stan had walked in to find Kyle sitting at a lonely table, inhaling his fifth glass of scotch and studying the room with darkened, glaring eyes.
"Stan!" He had shouted with slurred enthusiasm, slamming his empty glass down along side the others. A lemon wedge loosely clamped between his teeth.
Stan rushed over, in a bid to quiet Kyle down somewhat and it seemed to work, as Kyle slumped further in his seat as soon as Stan meekly slid into the seat opposite him.
"Kyle, what's up?" Stan asked, concerned. After ten years, Kyle had learned to not resist that question, knowing that Stan was going to pry something out of him eventually.
"Nothing" Kyle shrugged, sluggishly groaning. He ran a hand through his lank curls and muttered "Except I really need another drink. Like, right now"
"Kyle, I don't think that's-" Stan tried to begin calmly before he became impatient "How much have you had?"
Kyle flexed his fingers and stared wide-eyed into the palm of his hands, as if something indecipherable was scrawled across them. Bending each finger as he counted, he finally replied "Five scotches here... Three Budweisers back at my place. Eric's drink. Well, until he finds something more adventurous. You can tell he's eighteen, right? I keep a six pack at my place in case he wants a drink when he comes over"
"Has something happened between you and him?" Stan asks forthrightly, not caring what Eric drinks.
"Yeah. I think it has" Kyle tries to laugh, but his voice tailed off into a plaintive stare and he doesn't look at Stan when he says "Let me order a couple more scotches and then I'll tell you all about it, promise"
"Did you have a fight?"
"Stan, I can't fucking talking about it right now, can I please have a couple more drinks first?" Kyle asks testily.
Stan rolls his eyes, Kyle's apology painted across his pathetically sad face. "Fine" Stan sighs.
"I'll buy you a drink too" Kyle offers "Your usual?"
"Please" Stan nods, adding quickly "But only get one for me, okay?"
"Pfft" Kyle says, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Sure"
Stan only did one shot of Jameson, too concerned and anxious about Kyle to drink. They talked while Kyle mindlessly emptied tumblers of scotch, Kyle had emphasized the importance of avoiding the topic of Eric until he was properly sedated with alcohol. So, instead they talked about Gary, work, news bulletins they had seen that morning, as well as any gossip regarding their old classmates.
Stan wondered if Kyle even knew how much he was drinking or if he understood that Stan had hardly drunk anything. It was easier to keep up this comforting facade when Kyle wasn't throwing back his drinks so quickly, so desperately attempting to defuse the ache.
Finally, when Kyle tried to saunter over to the table and placed a tray with three more orders of scotch on the table, Stan couldn't bear it any longer.
"God damn it, Kyle!" Stan snapped, tugging Kyle's arm and pulling him back into his seat. Kyle whimpered pointedly and tried to furrow his eyebrows confrontational at Stan."You are not drinking these!"
"But, Stan, I paid for them!" Kyle whined, reaching out to grab one.
"I don't care!" Stan argued "I'll drink them!" He snatched the one Kyle was trying to grab and he thought Kyle was going to start crying.
Scotch wasn't Stan's favorite drink and he fought the urge to pinch his nose as he downed the contents of the tumbler.
"Can I at least have the lemon wedges?" Kyle asked.
"As long as you tell me what the Hell's going on" Stan offered, raising a knowing eyebrow.
"Yeah, alright" Kyle murmured, tucking an unruly curl behind his ear. He fished for a lemon wedge and sucked, he took it out of his mouth and studied the fleshy piece of fruit, gleaming with scotch and spit. "I think I'm ready to talk about it now"
"I'm all ears" Stan reassured. "So what happened?"
"Well, you know how strained things have been between Eric and I lately. Ever since his mom came back from the hospital and he's gone back home, it's like we're drifting apart because he wants to be there for her and he's so worried about her. It's scary how anxious he is, Stan. Sometimes I wish I could always be there, to reassure him. I mean, that's one of the reasons why this distance sucks, because I'm constantly worried that he'll do something stupid and every time I ask him if he's okay, he always says yes. Even when he isn't. Then I wonder, is it because he doesn't want to upset me, or because he doesn't value me enough to confide in? And I know how ridiculous that sounds-"
"The kid is besotted with you, Kyle" Stan interrupted.
"I know, at least, I used to know" Kyle continued, shaking his head to dismiss the sore tears that have collected in his eyes. "Anyway, I told you about the fight we had at his place, didn't I?"
Stan nodded, taking a sip of the scotch absent-mindedly, his nose scrunching as it seemed to corrode the walls of his throat "You didn't talk for a couple of days, right?"
"Yeah. And while I wanted him back so desperately, and I started to regret everything I said, I realized that I only said all those things because I'm frustrated"
"With what?" Stan asked "Eric?"
Kyle took a deep, shattering breath and it felt almost blasphemous when he whispered "Yes" The guilt slowly being replaced with the frustration that was Kyle was starting to justify more and more. "Yes, frustration at how much I wanna help him, because he's so unhappy and frustration that, while I understand he wants to be there for his mom and that he's so terrified of what she may do, I love him so fucking much, and am so deeply concerned about him, but it's like our relationship is becoming an after thought to him, something he has to keep because I'm so invested and he still loves me, and I don't want that. Everything was so wonderful before, and he trusted me, and he loved me so wildly. It feels like I'm still waiting for something that's gone, and he's gone with it"
"Kyle" Stan sadly whispered, sliding across the slick, leather seats of their booth and staring at his best friend, who is shaking from the realization that he couldn't keep denying anymore. In a way, Kyle felt liberated from the manacles of pretence, the denial he was grasping to for nobody's sake but his own. But he was also stranded, knowing now, that there was nothing to wait for, as it already had cruelly passed him by. "But, but what about when you guys made up? When you went to his house? You were so happy. Hell, I was happy when you told me, it kills me to see you upset"
"I'm ugly when I cry" Kyle agreed, the drowning laugh dying in his throat and with a shaking hand he swipes a feral tear.
"It's not a good look on anyone" Stan smirked comfortingly, nudging Kyle and letting his hand linger on his arm when he adds "You, especially"
"Hmm" Kyle weakly smiled under his breath, before continuing "Anyway. God, yes, that day, it was... Stan, it was amazing. It felt like our chance to make things better, you know? Make everything like it was before... But after what happened today, that was just a fluke. I mean, even Eric said so-"
"Wait, what happened today?" Stan asked.
"He came to my apartment from school. And I was so happy and reaffirmed after Saturday, I couldn't wait to see him again. But nothing changed. When I kissed him, there was nothing. Like he was fighting against something. Then, I thought, am I wasting my time? Is it really fair to me? That I'm insanely in love him and I believe he feels the same way, but for whatever reason, that he still can't tell me, he can't fight for me? Fight for us? And then we had this huge argument, and everything was crazy, and he kissed me so passionately but it wasn't enough. I wanted him to prove his love to me, and that's the best he can do? Kiss me? As undoubtedly great as it was. But then, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I feel so insecure that I have to command him to do these things? Still, I know he loves me. He just won't fight for us. And I told him that. I told him that this is completely fixable if he just lets me help him, if he opens his eyes and just has faith in us. But he said, as much as he wants me, and as much as he loves me, he didn't know if this was fixable"
"So what did you do?" Stan thinly asks, his eyes trained on Kyle so he can pull him in for a hug if he starts to sob.
"I told him to leave" Kyle blankly replies and with that admission, his breath shuddered, eliciting fresh tears. "I can't believe I did that..."
Stan pulled Kyle into a strong, wordless embrace with the kind of swift finesse that you would expect of a best friend.
"Why the fuck did I tell him to leave?" Kyle sobbed into Stan's shirt. Comforted by the slight musk of his cologne, as it reminded him of his own apartment and the warmth of his bed, its scent lingering on Kyle's skin, contagious to the pillows. Kyle was so used to savoring the scent of Eric's aftershave in embraces, its tang and sharpness was so youthful, as if the product was purposefully marketed to teenagers who only had a few stray hairs on their jawlines to shave. It reminded Kyle of the maturity Eric was still struggling to fit into, although Kyle felt he was doing a pretty good job. The scent was often twinned with the smell of generic, locker room shower gel, boyish and practical, but it somehow smelt heavenly when Kyle kissed Eric's freshly softened skin. Thinking about it made Kyle sad, but he couldn't leave Stan's embrace if he tried. "Why did I let the most incredible, fascinating man, who's so right for me, leave?"
"Kyle, this isn't the end-"
"I know. I don't want it to be" Kyle admitted. "But maybe you were right all along..."
"Right about what?" Stan asked curiously, releasing Kyle.
"How somebody was going to get hurt. Don't you remember that? You said, because of the age gap and everything, we'll both want different things and if I wasn't careful somebody was going to get hurt. Well, here I am. So, you were right, Stan."
"No" Stan said vehemently, his voice strong "No, Kyle I couldn't have been more wrong"
"How?" Kyle whimpered, dabbing his wet face "The evidence is right here, Stan!"
"No, it isn't!" Stan protested "Yes, maybe you're hurting and no doubt he's hurting too. But I said all those things when I thought Eric was just a one-night stand. Before I met him, or saw you two together. Before I saw how happy he made you and how infatuated he is with you... Because he is, Kyle. The kid has got it fucking bad"
Kyle laughed shortly in appreciation and Stan reassuringly smiled back before he continued "Don't let this go, Kyle. Don't lose him. You said so yourself, this is fixable! And if he's not gonna fight then... Guess what, Kyle?"
"What?" Kyle grinned sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
Stan gripped his shoulder and looked straight into Kyle's damp eyes when he said seriously "You're gonna have to fight twice as hard to get him back"
A honeyed sun threatened to yawn through pale grey clouds as Kenny walked up that familiar driveway, he squinted as stray beams freckled his face like splinters. He could have sworn that the Cartman household was in mourning, considering the worried, pleading tone of Lianne's voice when she called Kenny's abandoned house phone and the drawn curtains of Eric's bedroom. Kenny was mildly flattered that he was cast in the gallant role of saving Eric from despair, talking him down from shutting himself away forever. Since he knew that Cartman was capable of doing that.
"Kenny!" Lianne's voice startled him when he entered the house. She rushed over to him, pale and a slave to her frayed nerves "There you are! Thanks for coming over to see him, hun"
"Hey, it's no problem" Kenny laughed, in a bid to comfort her. Although there was some amusement to be found in her hyperbolic fretting, that mothers are often prone to "Any recent developments?"
"Not really" Lianne sighed, her eyebrows knitted together "He came downstairs earlier for some cereal. These past couple of days I've left his meals on a tray outside his room and an hour or so later I'd come back to find them empty. So that's progress."
"Still not talking to you, huh?" Kenny asked, his frown was sympathetic, not hardening his face in the slightest.
Lianne shook her head and laughed, resigned "Not since he came home crying. He's so stubborn, Kenny. I kept asking him, pleading him to tell me what was wrong, and he wouldn't budge. Eventually he confessed that he and Kyle had an argument... I never realized they were so close"
"Neither did I" Kenny lied unconvincingly, wistfully gazing up the stairs. Kyle? Of course. Why did Kenny ever doubt that this was all about him? That pesky, spiteful jealousy that Kenny so fervently hated made him want to turn his back on Cartman and march home. But he couldn't do that, Lianne was relying on him to console her son, and Cartman was relying on him too, even if he didn't realize it.
"I just want him to be able to talk to somebody" Lianne pleaded "I think he'd appreciate you seeing him"
"I can only hope" Kenny tried to joke, before coughing into his fist and saying "Well, I better go check on him"
"Thank you, dear" Lianne beamed gratefully.
Kenny's long legs allowed him to take the steps two at a time and he bristled uncomfortably at Lianne hopefully watching him. He was actually kind of relieved when he disappeared from her vision at the top of the stairs.
He hadn't been in Cartman's bedroom for years, ever since Kenny was small enough to fit in the only sleeping bag he owned. He smirked weakly at the thought as he knocked on the door he remembered so fondly from his bruised childhood.
"Mom, I told you I don't wanna talk-"
"It's me" Kenny interrupted, biting his lip and resting his forehead against the door, inhaling the faint scent of wood.
"Oh" Cartman's short, defensively surprised answer.
"May I come in?" Kenny joked, in a laughably smooth voice.
"Fuck you" Cartman laughed exasperatedly, which Kenny took as a 'yes'.
Kenny couldn't help but grin triumphantly when he stepped into Cartman's bedroom, the only thing that had really changed were the two walls, inexplicably painted black. Kenny didn't know what could have possessed Eric to do that, but he wished he could do the same. Maybe everybody needs two black walls; Venting that inner angst and sac of insecurities, advertizing our sorrow instead of unhealthily suppressing it and admitting to ourselves that it's alright to feel lost sometimes.
When Kenny's eyes finally landed on Cartman- who was sprawled out on his bed in day-old clothes, listlessly fingering the blinds as if toying with the desire to feel the sun on his face- he felt invisible, a presence that Cartman chose to ignore, it made Kenny frown and run an impatient hand through his mop of dirty blond hair. But then, he figured, maybe this is what all knights felt like when they were trying to rouse a comatose maiden from a nameless curse.
"God, how long has it been since I've been in this room?" Kenny laughed, but it elicited nothing. Kenny wondered whether he should ask about the walls, but he figured the answer required too much effort.
Kenny studied the room, more out of fascination than wanting Cartman to talk to him.
"Wow" Kenny grinned, picking up a forgotten picture from Cartman's desk. It was the one of him and Cartman, during one of the hottest summers South Park had ever had. Kenny remembered exactly where they were; His neighbor's backyard because it had a crappy, inflatable kids pool and him and Cartman were so desperately warm that a tepid, half empty pool with dead flies and burnt leaves floating in the water, seemed like an oasis. "How sweet, Cartman. You still have this picture!"
"It's a good picture" Cartman limply argued, but Kenny was grateful when he flashed him a tired smile "It's the only one I have of you and I together"
"Well, I'm flattered" Kenny teased, putting the picture down and perching hesitantly on the edge of Cartman's bed.
"See" Kenny began "If I knew you were playing hookie, I would've come over here sooner"
"So my mom called you?" Cartman guessed, rolling his eyes.
"Yep" Kenny nodded, figuring it was safe to flop down on Cartman's bed, lying next to him. Uncomfortably close, it made Cartman blush and look away, while Kenny felt himself grow nervous, the room suddenly feeling warm but Cartman's body heat seemed to become a calming influence. "She's worried about you"
"I know"
"She said you and Kyle had a fight..." Kenny made sure he kept his eyes on the ceiling when he said that.
"Oh, she did, huh?" Cartman asked, his voice flat and stoically irritated.
Kenny nodded, and when he decides to look at Cartman again, he notices the conflicted, purple swells under his eyes, his blotchy, tear stained face and how he seemed tired of frowning, of crying, but he doesn't know what else he can do. "You can tell me what happened?" Kenny offered, shrugging.
Cartman shuddered then, Kenny winced at seeing the tears renew themselves in Cartman's struggling, golden eyes. That was his answer.
"No" Cartman bluntly replied, exhaling apologetically "I don't think I can"
"Hey, that's alright" Kenny soothed, conscious of the last time he comforted Cartman. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Kahl told me that having nobody is fucking miserable. A few months ago I would never have believed that" Cartman chuckled morbidly to himself. "Now, I can see how right he is. Like always. He's always right, Kenny. He thinks he knows everything, but how can he? How can be so sure and optimistic when life can get so bad?"
"I dunno" Kenny shrugged and his heart seemed to stutter, betraying its usual, fluent beat, as he felt Cartman's fingers accidentally brushing against his own. God, they were so close. "Maybe we need people like that in the world"
"Well, I fucking need him" Cartman smiled wryly, the realization feeling rather abrupt.
"I know you do" Kenny nodded.
"That doesn't matter anymore" Cartman shook his head before saying so matter-of-factly that it was heartbreaking "We broke up"
"What?" Kenny whispered, an unnerving jolt, like a fork of lightning, racing down his spine.
"We broke up" Cartman repeated, his voice cracking.
"Are you sure?" Kenny asked dumbly, he felt Cartman's scathing eyes on him.
"Why wouldn't I be sure?" Cartman snapped "Of course I'm fucking sure!" Cartman cringed at that half-truth. Honestly, he didn't fucking know.
"Oh" Kenny whispered cautiously, swallowing all the misjudged words he could have haphazardly blurted out before bravely intertwining Cartman's fingers with his own. Delighted that they weren't snatched away, but still unsatisfied by the hostile stillness of Cartman's hand. "Dude, that's... I'm really sorry"
"Why should you apologize?" Cartman asked, staring up at the ceiling and almost snarling when he self-loathingly added "You're not the fucking idiot who ruined everything, are you?"
Kenny chose not to respond, he didn't trust himself to answer confidently as a best friend or a knight in not-so-shining armor. So he lay there guiltily, Cartman's obvious need for an answer, eating away at him.
When he heard Cartman cover his eyes with his large palm, sniffing and stifling his tears, Kenny couldn't take it any longer.
"Eric" Kenny whispered, squeezing Cartman's hand tighter when he wasn't rejected, he turned to lay on his side, so he could face Cartman properly. "Listen to me, you're not an idiot."
"I am!" Cartman sobbed, hatefully wiping away his tears "I am, I've ruined everything!"
"No, you haven't!" Kenny argued "What have you ruined, huh? Tell me!"
Cartman shook his head, disbelieving. Shouldn't it have been obvious?
"My chance to be happy! My future! Being with someone who cares about me and wants me!" Cartman began to list, becoming more worked up as he did so. "Kahl is the only guy who will ever love me, Kenny!"
Cartman was so caught up in his own tears and his panicked breathing that he didn't notice Kenny's disheartened, hurt frown. But Kenny didn't really need Cartman to notice that, he felt selfish for even trying to make this about him. However, he loosened his grip on Cartman's hand.
"Alright, look" Kenny sighed, surprised when Cartman obeyed him, his wholly sad eyes dutifully meeting Kenny's. "I am really grateful that Kyle came into your life, because I cannot honestly remember a time where you this happy. Maybe not right now, but you know what I mean" Kenny paused, cringing and wishing he could express himself better "But, you're such an independent, strong-minded person, Cartman. I wish I could be as determined as you, whereas I'm resigned to staying in this town, even if, frankly, I don't really want to, you know that you need to, and have to, get out of here. As great as Kyle is, and as much as you love him, you can't let yourself think that Kyle is the sole thing that makes you great. You were a pretty amazing person before Kyle came along, dude. Why do you think he fell for you in the first place? And while you may feel totally helpless, promise me that you'll keep reminding yourself that you're a person outside of that relationship. That you're perfectly capable of flourishing without him"
"Jesus Christ, Kenny" Cartman whispers, shocked. Like Kenny, he was reeling by the power of those words. "I didn't think you had it in you" He laughed.
"Shut up" Kenny muttered, his face burning and he bumped Cartman's shoulder with his other hand.
"Secondly" Kenny continued, loving how expectantly Cartman was looking at him. "You can't possibly believe that Kyle is the only guy who will ever love you"
Kenny was aware how dry his voice had become, how nervously it trailed off. His palms had become embarrassingly slick and he felt the pressure of his heart pounding in his ears.
"What?" Cartman asked, treating it as a joke.
But his eyes widened and his grip on the situation shriveled up when Kenny's breathing started to fade quietly and his aqua eyes studied him contemplatively, with the weight of an unspoken importance that was making Cartman increasingly nervous.
Cartman gulped cutely when Kenny's leg shyly and limply hooked itself over his own. Kenny was treating this thing every tentatively, aware of the consequences if he rushed things, or got too carried away. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Cartman.
Kenny nervously smiled, but when Cartman didn't reciprocate, the corners of his mouth tugged down thoughtfully "Kyle isn't the only guy who will love you. There are plenty of guys out there, who will do just about anything to have you and call you their own. There are guys who will never let themselves forget just how special and incredible you are"
"Really?" Cartman chose to answer sardonically "Like who?"
"Me" Kenny answered, his voice small. It took everything in his being to not laugh with wild relief at admitting that. It might have drove him completely crazy.
"You?" Cartman whispered back, raising an eyebrow.
Kenny nodded, feeling more confident. His other hand dared to trail over Cartman's chest, jumping slightly when an erratic heartbeat met his palm. "How come it's beating so fast?" Kenny asked himself, because he figured that Cartman didn't have an answer.
"Because you're freaking me out" Cartman laughed, terrified.
"I never meant to freak you out" Kenny assured, shaking his head.
Before Cartman could answer, Kenny swiftly tugged at Cartman's shirt and pulled his lips to his. Whatever Cartman had to say, Kenny wasn't going to listen. He couldn't, he just needed to do this one selfish thing, and then he could consider the risk of never speaking to Cartman again. As painful as it seemed.
Cartman expected to freak out, but he didn't. Kenny's lips were surprisingly soft and tasted like menthol and faint, stale cigarettes, almost as if his mouth was always ready to kiss. Of course Cartman had once imagined what it would be like to kiss Kenny, when they used to have slumber parties in this very room, and as Kenny bragged to Cartman about all the girls and boys he had made out with in various parking lots and shady sounding parties, Cartman would wonder if he could be the recipient of a wet, sordid, lusty, Kenny McCormick kiss. But this was like nothing he had imagined, Kenny was kissing his unresponsive mouth carefully, knowing he shouldn't be doing this, knowing he should stop himself from taking it too far, but not really wanting to. It was somehow laced with an adoration and forlorn understanding that Cartman didn't think Kenny was capable of. Perhaps Kenny didn't know how vulnerable he appeared in Cartman's arms? Regardless, Cartman found something so admirable in Kenny. Even if a part of him was screaming how wrong this was, how hollow and gaping the difference was between Kyle's lips and Kenny's.
Kenny moaned longingly when Cartman began to kiss him back, even if he was doing it for the wrong reasons. Kenny tried to overlook it, but he couldn't. Especially when Cartman's eyebrows furrowed guiltily and his hand pitifully cupped the side of Kenny's face. Kenny cringed when Cartman thumbed at the damp creases of his eyes.
"I'm sorry" Kenny whispered, as he quickly pulled away. The asphyxiating guilt managing to claw at the excited rush of his heart.
"Kenny" Cartman managed to breathe out.
"I'm sorry" Kenny repeated, his voice wavering.
"You love me?" Cartman asked, concerned. His hand was still on Kenny's face and he wiped away the desperate tears that had unwillingly slipped down his face.
"No" Kenny answered stubbornly, wistfully smiling at how Cartman was still cradling his face so tenderly. But he lacklusterly pushed it away from his cheek as he answered more honestly "I don't know. I'm really sorry"
"Stop saying that" Cartman replied "Why are you apologizing, anyway?"
"Because you love Kyle!" Kenny whined desperately "Don't you?"
Cartman nodded guiltily, although Kenny knew that all along.
"And I'm not delusional enough to think that he doesn't love you too" Kenny dryly laughed to himself.
"Well, what are you getting at?" Cartman asked suspiciously.
"Kissing you was the wrong thing to do" Kenny confessed, even if it hurt. "You getting back together with Kyle is the right thing to do. Because I can see how badly you want him."
"But" Cartman began helplessly, hesitantly edging closer to Kenny, because even after what they just did, Cartman still had his usual hang ups about contact "But what about you?"
Kenny rolled his eyes and firmly assured "I'll be fine. I've kissed you now, I think that's all I needed"
Once Kenny had left, Cartman knew he should have called Kyle. He should have called Kyle and apologised, heard Kyle out, explained things a little more calmly. But he didn't.
Instead, he had a shower, put on clean clothes, made an appearance in the living room to show his mom he was still alive, and he planned to attend school (and Rugby practice) the next day.
He went to bed with an ache in his chest that threatened to devour him. Throughout the night it yawned sleeplessly, chattering to itself about if Cartman could even begin to consider a life without Kyle in it, if he could survive without him. Cartman wasn't so sure, these worries feeding his insomnia. But Kenny's words were a lullaby that warmly coaxed him to sleep. Cartman was a person that he didn't even recognize outside his and Kyle's relationship, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
For the next few days, he tested the waters of the improved person he could become. Cartman owed Kyle a lot, since there was no doubt that his confidence and raised self-esteem had a lot to do with Kyle's affection and (to Cartman, anyway) venerable personality. He focused on his last few months in this town, in this school, and the opportunities he was more than capable of taking. And while it hurt to imagine a future without Kyle in it, Cartman assured himself that Kyle would be proud of his determination.
Still, as much as Cartman liked to believe he was gaining control over his life, when he left school on a seemingly innocuous Thursday, and saw Kyle coolly leaning against a random car, any sense of control immediately dissolved.
Kyle had made the most boring, bland backdrop seem romantic. As if every potential spark of excitement or iridescent drop of color in this town, couldn't help but be absorbed by him. Even more annoying, he didn't seem to realize his own charismatic pull, his own silent beauty. As disenfranchised students poured out of the mundane building, they couldn't help but glance at Kyle quizzically. The boys furrowed their eyebrows defensively, their curious exchanges laced with envy, while some of the girls hid their gasps and giggles, their fleeting studies of Kyle were approving and blushing.
Cartman stood at a careful distance, hardly believing that this man, who had effortlessly captured nearly everybody's attention was waiting for him. That his glance, his smile, his words were the only things that mattered to Kyle. Flattering? Yes. Helpful to their mending, fragile hearts? No.
After waiting for half an hour, Kyle's window of opportunity to smile at Eric was only open for a second. Still, he hoped he made it count, illustrating all he needed to say. The smile was hopeful, pained with a desperate need for Eric. That he really was the only person who mattered.
Cartman smiled back, defeated, it flickered at the corner of his mouth. He hoped Kyle could see the resigned fall of his shoulders. He hoped Kyle knew that, in this game they were somehow playing, his tactics would always be overwhelmingly powerful. Knocking Eric down with a single blow.
Wisely, Cartman forced himself to look away. He began to walk off in a different direction, instinctively knowing that talking to Kyle was a bad, albeit tempting, idea.
He knew Kyle would follow him, and Eric frustratedly tried to drown out the overly aghast whispers of spiteful girls and boys who realized that this strange, handsome man was following him.
"Eric, wait-" Kyle began, grabbing Eric's shoulder when the crowd of teenagers wasn't so thick.
"Kahl, what are you doing here?" Cartman asked lowly. Of course he knew why Kyle was here, but he thought asking the question could make Kyle re-evaluate whatever plan he had formed, or make him see how ridiculous and inappropriate this was. Beneath the undeniable sweetness and determination.
"To see you, obviously!" Kyle snapped, but his hands were gently placed on Eric's shoulders and the tender smouldering of his exhausted Emerald eyes, lessened the sting of his voice.
"You couldn't have just come to my house?" Cartman hissed, trying his hardest to not glare at the last few students who were still ambling out of school, and who were distantly trying to eavesdrop on their conversation.
"No, I have to do this now." Kyle replied firmly, squeezing Eric's shoulders tighter and hesitantly pressing their foreheads together.
"God damn it..." Cartman whispered, how could he forget how much he loved being in this position? With the promise of Kyle's lips so comfortingly close.
"Please let me talk to you?" Kyle begged, his wistful hand stroking the side of Eric's conflicted face.
"Fine, come here" Cartman sighed, taking Kyle's hand and leading him to the deserted side of the school. "What do you wanna talk about?"
"Come on, you know what I wanna talk about" Kyle smirked, his eyes lidded with a teasing derision when he stepped closer to Eric.
Cartman rolled his eyes, his face heating, when Kyle's smirk turned infuriatingly arrogant. His face became even hotter when Kyle's hand was back on his cheek, staring at him with a kind of sad longing, as if remembering the beauty he found in Eric, all over again.
"But, before I say what I came here to say, I have to do something" Kyle whispered, nodding like Eric was just supposed to wordlessly go along with it.
"What-" Kyle interrupted Cartman with an undemanding, chaste kiss. It wasn't as cautious at Kenny's, in fact, it was more inviting and Cartman felt like this was the only way he should ever be kissed, with Kyle's hand on his face, offering a rare kind of protection and love. When Cartman slid his tongue into Kyle's mouth, Kyle's hand ran through his hair indulgently, as if it was the last time he was going to feel it beneath his fingers. The realization was clear for the both of them, saddening yet reigniting the kiss with a reckless passion. They made no effort to silence their flustered moans and pleased whimpers, they pawed at each other and Cartman unintelligently pressed Kyle flush to his body, praying that it wouldn't make Kyle perceive the wrong thing.
Cartman groaned greedily when he pulled away "You can't do that, Kahl" His scolding limp and failing to be taken seriously, since his eyes were still on Kyle's mouth and they were still holding each other so close.
"Why not?" Kyle frowned, obviously hurt as he reluctantly pulled away.
"You can't kiss me like that and not expect to sway my opinion" Cartman smiled wickedly, half-serious, half-joking "Now, I'll have to agree with whatever you say"
"Well, I'm sorry for cheating like that" Kyle grinned, biting his lip coyly.
Their flirtatious smiles evaporated rather quickly, morphing into something more serious.
"I, I want to apologize" Kyle confessed, his ashamed eyes fell to Eric's chest and he stroked it soothingly as he continued "I shouldn't have told you to leave. I just wanted us to stop fighting and I thought you not being there was the only way-"
"That's alright" Cartman nodded, cupping the side of Kyle's face and making eye contact. Cartman hesitated, feeling a twinge of shame himself when he admitted "To be honest, I wanted to go home. I don't like crying in front of you... Well, anyone for that matter."
Kyle shook his head and smiled reassuringly "It's not a good look on anybody"
"Yeah, right." Cartman laughed, rolling his eyes knowingly.
"But, also, I wanted to tell you that..." Kyle began, his words withering shyly in his throat, before he forcibly revived them. Cartman flinched in surprise at how painfully, uncomfortably sincere Kyle was. It made Cartman want to forgive him regardless of what he could say. "I never meant to put pressure on you, or make you think that you're my responsibility. It's just, I want you to be okay, because" Kyle closed his eyes, willing to articulate his feelings in the poetic way he thought he should. But there was nowhere near enough similes, metaphors, or adjectives to describe the way he felt whenever he and Eric talked, shared silence, laughed together, fought, made love or walked away from each other. In a way, it made Kyle proud that their love was so peculiarly impossible. "Fuck, I can't even begin to describe how much I care about you. Or how much I love you. You're the only person I've ever felt this way for, and it scares me sometimes-"
Kyle paused when Eric looked at him like he was about to kiss him again "I love you too" Eric said.
Kyle smiled gratefully, because that confession of love felt just like the first time. When they were sat in the basketball courts not too far from here.
Kyle was still smiling when Eric's voice became noticeably more somber "And all I've been thinking about for these past few days is you, and us and as crazy as I am about you, what we have..."
"What?" Kyle choked on the word, as if he didn't want to hear the rest "Eric, what?" Kyle pressed on, searching Eric's face for anything hopeful. Something that proved everything Kyle had been dreading, wrong.
"Maybe it doesn't fit anymore" Cartman whispered tearfully and he swallowed harshly when he felt Kyle disbelievingly break away from him. It was only a few centimeters, at least, but it was still a vital tear in their seemingly impenetrable connection "Maybe things have changed so much, that right now, we don't make sense."
Kyle stared up at the fragmented sky, the struggling sun's reflection cruelly illuminating his tears "Eric, don't say that-" He begged.
"Kahl, it's true. I know it is." Cartman replied, shaking his head.
"Well" Kyle began, before gripping Eric's shoulders again tightly and optimistically pleading "Well, tell me what I have to do for it to make sense!"
"Kahl-"
"Eric, please tell me!" Kyle demanded, his desperate eyes trying to meet Eric's but those golden eyes were purposefully eluding him. "What do I have to do?!"
"No!" Cartman cried, shoving Kyle away. The both of them trembling. Cartman roughly ran a hand through his hair, breathing heavily as if being beaten by a storm. "No, stop making this harder, Kahl! Don't you see how much this is hurting me? It's unfair for you to put your life on hold! It's unfair for you to drop everything for me, or wait for me!"
"But I'm willing to do anything to keep you with me! To fight for you!" Kyle argued, his voice strained, threatening to snap into hollowed silence or suffocating tears. However, he found it in himself to sternly promise, dripping with overwhelming passion "However long it takes, I will wait as patiently as I can, as long as at the end of it I have you! And you're happy!"
"What about you, huh?" Cartman snapped, coming closer, staring down at Kyle with prepossessing, yet intimidating eyes "What if you're not happy?!"
"I will be happy, because I'll have you!" Kyle tried to convince Eric, quickly grabbing his hands and intertwining their fingers.
"No, Kahl, you can't keep thinking this way!" Cartman shouted, snatching his hands away.
"Why not?!" Kyle practically whimpered, but he was undeniably defeated.
"Because you have to face that we're not infinite! That this was going to end someday! Sure, I didn't want it to be so soon, or so tragically, but I can't control that! We can't control that, can we?!"
Kyle wanted to tell Eric that he was wrong. But he couldn't, because he was inescapably right. It terrified Kyle, he felt like the fight was physically pouring out of him like a fatal, unhealed wound. He could see the same wound on Eric too, both of them paling sickly with the shuddering prospect of death. Because something was dying, agonizingly slow. The difference was, Eric was accepting it. Merely waiting for his last breath, but Kyle still dreamt of survival. But the connection between them was blackening, and no matter amount of hope could conceal it.
"So what now?" Kyle asked, unwillingly hostile. He stepped closer to Eric "What do you want me to say?" Since Kyle felt Eric had all the answers.
"Nothing" Cartman shook his head, his voice laced with soft mourning. "I don't want you to say anything" He reassured Kyle, his fingers finding themselves in bright, scarlet curls.
"I'm not walking away" Kyle spoke through gritted teeth. "I'm not letting you go that easily."
"Not even if I wanted you to?" Cartman asked, a dying part of him weakly cried out that he could never watch Kyle leave. It was always so painful. Cartman sadly smiled at the thought that this time might be different.
Kyle shook his head. His silence and his astonishingly beautiful gaze, pierced Cartman.
Cartman sniffed, alerted by the stinging in his nose, the prologue for his tears."Fine" He tried to bravely say. "I'm sorry" He shakily whispered, and as he removed his hand from Kyle's curls, he made sure to memorize every one.
Turns out, this time was different. Because he was the one walking away.
"Wait, where are you going?" Kyle asked, alarmed. Following Eric thoughtlessly, feeling injustice at how abruptly he had walked away.
"I'm sorry, Kahl" Cartman replied, he daren't look back. His Eurydice would surely disappear if he made that foolish mistake.
"Eric, wait, come back! What, what do you mean by sorry?!" Kyle asked, his voice verging on hysterics. He felt he had more dignity than that. But, fuck dignity if it meant not losing the greatest man he could have ever fallen in love with. Kyle knew that the insecure, troubled 18-year-old boy he had met at the bar, only a short time ago, had now grown into a man in his embrace. Still wonderfully imperfect, growing into all those once heavily chastised flaws and accepting them. A man who wasn't afraid of fear and had accepted that being lonely was nothing compared to being in love.
They're both crying when Cartman turns to face Kyle, and he holds Kyle's trembling shoulders steady.
Cartman can feel his heart start to break when he begins with great difficulty "You don't need me, Kahl-"
Kyle shook his head, sobbing "No, I do, Eric please-"
"God damn it, Kahl. You don't!" Cartman snapped, almost shaking Kyle. But he knew what he said was a lie, and his eyebrows knitted together at seeing how hurt Kyle was. "I know you think you do, because I desperately need you too. But we can survive without each other, can we?" Cartman could hardly let himself believe it, but he had to. And he had to try to make Kyle understand too.
"No!" Kyle yelled, hitting Eric's chest because he wanted to hate him. But he couldn't. Not even if he tried. "No, for fuck sake, don't do this!"
Cartman sighed and it shook with his own fragility. "Kahl, you're gonna have an amazing life" Cartman began, resting his forehead against Kyle's and he smiled longingly at the surprised hope that painted Kyle's features. Kyle wanted to believe Eric, but it seemed impossible. "Your novel is going to get published, and it's gonna be huge success. It's gonna be such a huge success that you're gonna get more publishing offers and deals, more than you ever dreamed of. It's gonna be such a huge success, that you won't have to keep your corner of the page anymore. You'll write because it's what you're so wonderfully passionate about, not because you need a paycheck. You'll move out of your apartment, to a bigger, quieter place. And you'll travel the world, and be inspired, and meet fascinating people, and you'll fall in love. Not just with some incredibly lucky guy, but with a life that you've always wanted. Yeah, maybe you'll think about me from time to time. God knows I'll think about you everyday-"
"And maybe we'll see each other again?" Kyle interrupted, he ached with the need to cry tears of both sadness and happiness. He swung his arms around Eric's neck without even thinking about it. He wasn't used to being so vulnerable and lost, but he felt so safe in Eric's arms.
Cartman laughed under his breath, because he was tired of crying. Although his lashes were still damp. He grinned and nuzzled into Kyle. "I'm fucking counting on it" His voice became more serious, yet still protectively confident "I don't know when, but it'll be at the most perfect moment. I promise."
Kyle shuddered, trying in vain to control his tears, but burying himself in Eric's embrace seemed like a better option. Cartman reeled when he remembered that this was his and Kyle's last ever hug, the last time they'll hold each other with so much passionate, insane, overwhelming love. Cartman stared at the sky ahead of him, taking in the silhouettes of houses and the mountains he had become so familiar with, and he suddenly felt lost. Everything was new, everything was his for the taking. The options were as infinite as he ever hoped they would be. What he felt, was the best kind of terrifying. He swallowed what he hoped would be the last of his tears and hugged Kyle back. With thanks (he had never been so grateful for another person), with unwavering assurance that both of them were going to be great and most of all, with love.
"I swear, I'll never forget you" Cartman whispered, kissing Kyle's ear and nuzzling into his shoulder just so he could inhale Kyle as much as he possibly could. He wanted to be able to detect traces of him forever, to always feel like he was apart of him.
Kyle nodded, with that familiar authority that Cartman hoped he could take with him.
Cartman pulled away, still holding Kyle's shoulders and as they savored their last ever gazes of one and other, Cartman knew that all these infinite options, that he was now confident and sure enough to take, would never have been possible if it wasn't for Kyle. This incredible man who loved him like nobody ever had, who loved him in a way he never knew he needed so badly.
"This is for the best" Cartman nodded.
Kyle rolled his eyes and laughed sadly "I can't see that, right now"
"Me neither" Cartman answered honestly, finding the strength to say hopefully "But we will"
A/N: The Epilogue will be posted soon.
Until then, thank you all so much for reading, following, favoriting and reviewing! It means so much to me, that people have enjoyed this story. You're all great!