The Bitter Taste Of Freedom

Amalie, with a heavy heart had decided to avoid Fenris from now onwards. She saw how he looked at Oren, saw his body language. Yes he wanted to get to William, but if that was how he got when blinded with rage, then how would he get if she said or did something wrong? It was at times like this that she wondered if her family was struggling to cope. After all, taking in 15 slaves, all with their own problems and needs, along with the clothing, living and food costs, she wondered how in the Maker's green earth they were managing it. The food ran out rather fast nowadays, the fabric to make clothes did too. It made her feel stressed and as a result, she wasn't sleeping very well, only waking fully when she almost cut herself when cutting some fruit. She called in her father to do the rest of the food preparation before walking upstairs to her bedroom. No one was currently in there so she lay down and tried to sleep.

Her dreams no longer consisted of Danarius, they were just grey. Nothing but grey mist around her, as if there was no way out. She wondered if it were a metaphor, that there was no way out from taking care of the slaves. They may be there forever, placing a huge strain upon an already strained household. Amalie was thankful that she was brought up well, if she wasn't, she may well have raised her voice at the slaves, scaring them away. At times she wanted to shout, get her point across instead of being the timid little mouse that she always was.

But that would get her nowhere, and now Fenris was acting like a child, and she struggled not to scream at him to behave and stop brooding.

Fenris was afraid. The way his temper became when he saw William shook him to the core. The elf had never been a weak willed person, even under Danarius' heel. Every day he wished to escape, to run outside and announce that he were a free man. Freedom now however, felt like nothing more than a barbed wire cage around his body, around his neck, choking away his very existence. He fought, internally, his body fought on, tearing down the walls of his pain. But sometimes, the war on the emotions that made him hurt was lost and he'd burn, the lyrium almost cracking his skin open.

He had apologised to Oren, but had barely seen Amalie. He wanted to speak to her, to assure her that the lapse in his mental state was only going to happen once and that she needn't be scared of him. Was she scared? That upset him, he never wished to hurt her. She was his safety net every time he fell. But this time, he felt like she had taken away the net seconds before he hit the ground, and he hit it hard.

The elf nervously played with an ear before he knocked on Amalie's bedroom door. She opened it and sat back down on her bed. As much as she tried to hide the fact that she wasn't happy with him, and what he had done, he saw right through that.

"Amalie. You know that I wouldn't speak to you the way I did to Oren or William right?"

She shook her head and he grew frightened. "I honestly don't know Fenris. I don't know anything anymore. You have every right to hate William, and I do not agree with what he did, know that. But Oren? He hasn't done anything. Would you have hurt William, whether he had Summer in his arms or not?"

Fenris sighed, he would have, even if Summer were there. His brain couldn't grasp that William was made to do those things. He thought that if someone asked you to do something like that, even with the threat against your family, you wouldn't. You'd take them and run, as far as you can. The elf had no concept of anyone's feelings but his own. His lack of an answer gave her chills.

"Oh Maker, you would have. I don't know what to say". It was then that her anger erupted, and she stormed downstairs and told Stephen that she needed to speak to Fenris alone. He rounded everyone up and took them out into the garden, under the pretense that it was a nice, warm day and that it would be nice to experience that. Amalie then went back upstairs and struggled to kept her anger in check.

"Look here, Fenris. If you harm anyone here, then I will be forced to get the prison guards to take you away. I will not tolerate this anymore. Everyone here has feelings, emotions, and yes, William does too. Stop ignoring them and just thinking of yourself all the time! It's ridiculous now. Do I have to knit you some children's clothes now hm? Since you are acting like one? You take one step forward and several back, and that is just plain annoying".

Fenris blinked rapidly, was she really having a go at him? He couldn't reign in his upset at that.

"Amalie! You try going through what all of us went through, see what it does to you. Suffering, pain so agonizing that you long for death every minute of your life. Yet you are upset? I know I shouldn't have gotten worked up at William or Oren, but you took all of us in, knowing full well that we may be damaged goods. Not everyone can be fixed with kind words and bread Amalie. Some need more than that".

Amalie put her head in her hands.

"Ugh. I understand that. And stop telling me to suffer in agony, that isn't something you wish on someone, let alone someone who actually gives a damn about you. I do! It may not seem like it sometimes, but I do. If I am distant, it is because, as you say, some people need me, need my family, food, warmth or whatever. I can't give all of my attention to you, no matter how much I want too". She then realised what she had said and shied away from the now confused Fenris.

"You want to give me all of your attention? Why? Because I would like it, or because you think I need it?"

The young woman now pulled him to her and tears formed in her eyes, he wanted to know why she was tearing up and how to fix it.

"You would like it? I don't think you need it. If you did, you'd be clinging on to me, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Every man and woman here is doing better. I am not saying that they don't still suffer, they may well do, but if they are, they seem to be coping with it. And, if and when the time comes that they wish to talk to any one of my family about it, then that is fine. I am sorry for shouting, but I needed too, I felt like I would go crazy otherwise".

Fenris knew that he need to be more considerate, and compassionate. Being tough, and broody will only get you so far in life, and with people. Sometimes you need to consider them instead of yourself. The elf held her, and felt her shaking, whether still through anger or crying, he did not know. But a need to protect her came over him, keep her safe and sound. She had helped him, and now she needed the help. She mattered in his life, and how he dealt with that could be the difference between being with her, and losing her, and he couldn't bear to lose her.

He brought his hand to her face, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears that made glistening paths down her cheeks. She sniffed and managed a weak smile.

"Very attractive, hm?" She laughed hoarsely before clearing her throat.

He nodded, much to her surprise. "Very. You have no idea of your beauty".

Amalie's face became beetroot red and she tried to turn her head, but the elf wouldn't let her. He brought his forehead to hers, and his peridot eyes were filled with longing, and love. It was then that she realised that he cared, he did have the capacity to care for others and her eyes filled to the brim with fresh tears that threatened to drip from her eyelashes as she blinked. Fenris kissed them away, and his adoration made her feel giddy. She looked at him, feeling nothing other than grateful. Their argument could have gone a lot worse, but instead, they got past it, like rational adults. He closed his eyes and moved his lips to hers before opening them. He saw her look surprised, but she didn't stop him, or back away.

They kissed and Amalie's heart melted, but her body seemed to as well. She felt weak, and decided to embrace it. He grew more insistent, as if he knew what he was doing. A knowledge he did not know he had flooded back to him and he nudged her lips apart with his tongue. She hadn't kissed like that before, but let it in, and decided to let him lead. She followed him and soon made a noise, which made her pull away, and become bashful. He worried for a minute before realising that she felt timid, so he chuckled before sitting down and rubbing her back. She sighed against his hand and lay down, patting next to her for him to lie next there. He did so and wrapped an arm around her. She snuggled in and soon fell asleep.

He was infatuated with her, and he felt privileged that within a few months, they had gone from kissing to her letting him sleep next to her. He would not take that or her for granted. Every day he was given with her, he would make sure that she knew how he felt.

If only he could find the words to tell her.