"Life Long Forgotten"
By: fluffy pantoufle
A/N: Here's another longer chapter for ya'll to enjoy! It's been more than a day or two since I last updated, so I figured that you deserved it. ^___^ By the way, thanks to everyone for all the hits this story is getting! I appreciate those who have reviewed dearly, but more feedback never hurt!
When Zell awoke the next morning, he didn't immediately open his eyes to greet the day. He felt the sun shining through his window, almost daring his eyelids to flutter open. One of the reasons for laying flat, eyes closed was because of his alcohol-induced headache. However, the bigger reason was that he was afraid to look around his bedroom and see that last night was nothing but a passing fantasy.
It had been too good to be true. Rinoa Heartilly, kissing Zell Dincht? Not on any sort of ridiculous dare? No, those things just didn't happen in places other than Zell's dreams. Even so, he'd be apprehensive to admit them. As much as he was attracted to Rinoa, he couldn't do anything about it. Squall was a friend since childhood, even though most of their earlier memories were wiped out. Zell could never in his right mind betray one of his orphanage buddies like that - it almost felt unnatural to even think about doing so.
Suddenly, the martial artist felt chilly. He reached for his blanket in order to tug it up underneath his chin… But was met with resistance.
He tugged again.
The blanket didn't budge.
"What the hell?"
Zell sat straight up and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands before realizing that he wasn't in bed alone. Rinoa was curled up with her back to him, the blanket pulled around her like a chrysalis. Jet-black hair served as a divider between her face and the rest of the world, and she snored ever so softly. Makeup was smudged around her eyes, giving her the appearance of a slumbering raccoon. The shock of the situation sent Zell reeling backward off of the bed with an unintentionally girlish yelp, landing on the floor with a loud thud.
"Aw, goddamn it…" Zell came to his senses and sat up, rubbing his hands through his blonde hair. He didn't realize that the sound of his fall woke Rinoa, and he was being watched rather intently. When he noticed her sitting up, her dark eyes studying him curiously, his face flushed crimson. "G'mornin', Rinoa. Ah…"
Watching Zell act so sheepish on the floor made Rinoa blush her own shade of pink. "Um, hi…there." She smacked her forehead with her hand. "Hyne, can't I say anything more articulate than that? Oh, jeez." Suddenly, she sat bolt upright. "ZELL!"
"WHAT?!" He leapt to his feet in his best 'drunken master' position and looked around the room before collapsing facedown on his bed. "Ugh. Hyne. I'm never drinking again. What's the problem?"
"Do you remember what happened…last night?"
Do I remember? Do I remember?! Zell rolled over so that he was staring at his ceiling, then glanced over at Rinoa. "I was hoping that you would!"
"Oh, no! You don't think we -" In a panic, Rinoa lifted the blanket to check if she was wearing all the clothing she went out in the night before.
"No, no, no!" Zell shook his head. "I know what happened, Rin. I was just hoping that you'd know too so that, well…at least I know for sure that it wasn't all just a crazy dream."
"Gosh! Don't scare me like that!" Rinoa sighed and laid down next to him so that they both stared at the blandly colored ceiling. Never had anything beige looked so appealing. "So…we just kissed?"
"Yep."
"And cuddled a bit?"
"Yep."
"Did you…like it?"
Zell paused for a moment, his breath getting lodged in his throat. "…yep."
"I did too." She rolled to her side so that she could look at Zell. "Does that make us bad people? I mean, I feel so weird…like I should feel guilty."
"Should feel guilty?" Zell sat up. "Whaddya mean by that?"
Rinoa didn't budge, but her eyes followed Zell's every gesture and movement. "I don't know. But maybe there's something to be said for this. I mean…Squall doesn't have to know, right?"
Zell fell silent at that remark. His first instinct was to go knock on Squall's door and plead for forgiveness, regardless of whether or not Squall even knew what he was talking about. His conscience already felt like it weighed about fifty pounds. But to keep this a secret…who the hell could do that to a friend? He felt a shiver underneath his skin at the very thought.
"Rinoa, I… I can't even think about that right now." He stood and went over to his closet, searching the top shelf for an aspirin. "I need some time."
Rinoa flipped the blanket off and stood. With her hair and dress disheveled, Zell couldn't help but think that she looked just as good as the night previous, but in a different, naughtier type of way. He quickly pushed the thought from his mind and headed for the front door, Rinoa following close behind.
"I'll see you later?" She walked out into the hallway and turned to face him, her expression hopeful.
"Of course, Rin." Zell smiled, betraying the whirlwind of emotions that plagued him. He didn't know what to do in this situation. The biggest part of him felt wrong and more than a little bit terrible. At the same time, a little nagging corner of his brain argued the opposite. He couldn't justify it, but he knew that something had clicked. Zell couldn't think of another moment in his life in which he felt so contented - peaceful, even - than when their lips met. What was so wrong with happiness?
Before Rinoa turned to walk down the hallway, Zell grabbed her by the hand and kissed her forehead gently. He didn't have to say a word, and neither did she. The raven-haired girl reached up to touch his cheek before heading back to her own quarters.
Happiness is wrong when it's coming to you at someone else's expense.
Little did they realize that a pair of icy blue eyes witnessed this delicate exchange from down the hall. Instructor Quistis Trepe placed a hand over her mouth and returned to her room, genuinely puzzled at the scene that was just laid before her.
Rinoa paused in front of her door before actually entering the room that she and Squall shared. The walk from Zell's room was a short one and didn't give her much time to think about what she was going to do next. She tried to make herself feel guilty about what happened - tried to imagine the look on Squall's face if she outright told him about kissing Zell - but it didn't make her feel anything other than indifferent. Hyne, this almost makes me feel worse than actually feeling bad about the kiss.
What were her options? She leaned against the wall and pondered for a moment what she could do. Of course, the ideal scenario was that Squall just never found out about what happened - but then what? Did she still want to pursue Zell?
Like…as a boyfriend? At one point in time it was laughable, the thought of being attracted to Zell Dincht. Now, interestingly enough, it was undeniable. She couldn't avoid it. Every path that she conjured up in her mind led to him, as ridiculous and impossible as they were. Suddenly, Squall seemed very…
"Rinoa?"
"AH!" The young woman whirled around, only to meet Commander Leonhart's stormy gray gaze. She rapidly became aware of how stupid she must have looked in last night's dress and makeup, her hair askew and thoroughly slept on. "Squall, gosh…you scared me!"
Instead of responding, Squall wrapped Rinoa in a quiet embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I missed you," he nearly whispered. "How was your trip?"
"…good, it was good." One thing Rinoa had to acknowledge about Squall: his arms made her feel safer than anything else ever did. She breathed in his scent and buried her face in his chest momentarily, until Zell's face came to her mind and her stomach turned. He let her go, and Rinoa entered the room, bee lining for the couch and subsequently collapsing upon it.
"It looks like Selphie really tired you out, eh?" Squall smiled, sitting down on a chair opposite the couch. Rinoa was thankful he didn't try to sit anywhere nearer to her, for all of a sudden she became paranoid that she smelled like Zell's room, Zell's bed…Zell's skin… "Where is she, anyway? I'm surprised she wasn't with you."
"Oh, well…Irvine met up with us in Balamb at the bar last night. They decided to spend the day hanging out near the harbor." Rinoa smiled. Not a total lie…
The Commander looked surprisingly wistful for a moment. "Sounds nice."
"Yeah, it does. I didn't want to bother them, though - Selphie and Irvine really haven't had all that much time to themselves lately, and this just seemed like a good little mini vacation for them, you know? So I decided to come back here. This morning."
"Morning?" Squall raised an eyebrow. "It's one in the afternoon."
"Oh!" Rinoa's eyes widened. "So it is."
Squall's expression remained confused for a moment or two before he decided to brush the thought off completely. "I wanted to tell you, Rinoa - I spoke to Seifer yesterday."
"Really?" Now it was her turn to be confused.
"Yeah, I wanted to ask him about your whole Janquais mystery. He's had Ifrit junctioned for a long time now, and I was wondering whether or not he would remember ever meeting Janquais in the Fire Cavern." Squall shifted in his seat, coughed, and continued. "Turns out, Ifrit remembered him as being one of the first humans he ever actually interacted with, which sort of proves the disastrous results."
Rinoa nodded. "That'd make sense for sure."
"Of course. No one had ever been in the Fire Cavern before him. He must have come off as an intruder. I just don't understand why he was there in the first place."
"No one in Balamb was willing to talk about him, and Selphie and I asked pretty much everyone there except for Zell's mom."
Squall stood, walked over to the couch, and sat next to Rinoa, placing a hand on her knee. "Well, if you need help…you know, someone to persuade them to talk…all you have to do is ask me, Rin. We can even go hang out with Ma Dincht, if you'd like."
She looked away from him, especially after mentioning the word 'Dincht.' Despite his cold exterior, Squall Leonhart was such a good man. The guilt slowly began to set in. "You don't think I'm a crazy face anymore?"
"I never did." He smiled. "Was the story hard to believe? Well, yeah. But seeing as we've all been through some crazy stuff in the past, this didn't seem too difficult to understand."
Without warning, Rinoa leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Squall's neck. She felt him bury his face in her hair and sigh, as if he hadn't done so in decades. There was something so calming about being near him; a feeling welled up inside that began to create a knot in her throat. "Thank you, Squall." Tears began to sting at the corners of her eyes, threatening to stream down her cheeks. "I'll be right back, OK?" Rinoa jumped up and headed for the door.
"OK." Squall nodded. "I love you, Rin."
She nodded and walked into the cool air of the corridor. I couldn't say it back, I couldn't… Before she felt herself have a breakdown of any magnitude, Rinoa walked away from the door. Almost unconsciously she felt herself being pulled toward Zell's room, but she knew that that wasn't where she needed to go either. What Rinoa needed was a feminine perspective - surely one of her girl friends would have constructive, well-meaning advice. With that in mind, the raven-haired woman went to the one friend that she knew she'd get the best guidance from.
"Quistis?" Rinoa knocked on her friend's door several times. Quistis's room was located at the end of the hall, but still conveniently close to everyone else so that she didn't miss out completely on the adolescent goings-on of Garden. "You there?"
The door opened. Quistis stood there, her blonde hair hanging loose and a mug of steaming coffee in her hands. Rinoa was expecting her lovely friend to be smiling - after all, what did Quistis have to be upset about? Seifer Almasy was nearly banging down her door to take her out to dinner, she had her teaching position back…everything was in place. Even so, why was she scrutinizing Rinoa like a bug underneath a spyglass? The shorter girl almost felt the need to squirm below Quistis's stern gaze. "Is everything all right, Rin?" She inquired.
"Well, um…" Rinoa struggled to find the right words, feeling very much like a preschooler. Quistis did this to her every time, whether or not she realized it. It must have been a side effect of holding a job in the realm of academia. "Actually, no. I wanted to talk to you about some things. That is, if you're not busy."
"No, not particularly." Quistis gave Rinoa a barely noticeable half-smile before letting her in. "I was about to work on some papers but they're not all that important, especially with the extended school break we're having." She pointed to a less-than-comfortable looking armchair. "So, what's going on?"
Rinoa sat down and clasped her hands in her lap, unsure of where to begin. "First, Quisty, you've got to promise that this won't go beyond you and me, OK?" She cleared her throat. "I don't know what would happen if anyone finds out about this."
Both of Quistis's eyebrows raised, making a very slight 'v' on her forehead. "Sure. I'm listening."
"OK. Well…" She pursed her lips, deciding whether or not to be blunt or not. Can't beat around the bush - not with Quistis, anyway. "Last night in Balamb, I may or may not have kissed Zell. And I may or may not have slept in his bed. And Squall doesn't know. And I kind of liked it…hell, I think I might have actually initiated it. I don't know - I was drunk."
Quistis didn't say anything. The blonde took a long sip of her coffee and stared at the rug in quiet contemplation. She didn't look amused. All of a sudden, Rinoa was imagining the reactions she would have gotten if she told Selphie instead, and how she probably would have preferred them to Quistis's glacial silence.
"Why did you come to me with this, Rinoa?" She asked quietly.
Rinoa blushed. "Well, I was kinda hoping that you'd be able to help me figure out what I should do. I'm so confused, Quisty. I love Squall, I really do…but I'm starting to wonder whether or not we're going to really go anywhere, you know?"
"…no, I don't know, believe it or not." Quistis finally looked up at Rinoa, her expression less than pleasant. "I saw you and Zell this morning, Rin. And I'm really quite confused as to why you're tarnishing a perfectly good relationship with Squall for this."
"Perfectly good?" Rinoa wondered. "You make it sound like you're talking about a computer or something."
"Isn't that all it is to you?" Quistis began to rotate her mug in a circle on the desk she was sitting at. "Rinoa, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I'm just being honest. I was confused with what I saw this morning. It's almost like things aren't going well with Squall, so you'd sooner trade him in and start something with Zell rather than work on it."
"Quistis, I-"
The instructor raised a hand, signaling Rinoa to be quiet. "I'm not finished. Rinoa, you've had Squall wrapped around your little finger more or less since day one, and now Zell. I don't know how you do it, Rin, I really don't. And now you come here, expecting me to have some sort of panacea for the problems that you knowingly put yourself in. You know something? I don't. I don't have an answer to this, Rinoa."
It was obvious that Quistis had been holding this in for awhile, regardless of whether or not anything developed between Rinoa and Zell. This was a Squall issue. "I didn't expect you to have an answer, Quis. I just wanted to know what you thought about it."
"But you knew, Rinoa. You must have known. Why would you come to me about cheating on Squall, when you know…" She caught herself before she actually admitted verbally the feelings that she withheld for Squall Leonhart those years ago. Instead, she drummed her fingertips in rapid succession on the desk. "I'm just worried about the boys. You know that you'll ruin one if you choose the other. Zell and Squall are both sensitive."
"Yeah, I know." Rinoa stood up. "Look, Quistis. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll leave you to your work, 'kay?"
"Fine, fine." Quistis stood to show her to the door. "I'm just trying to be honest with you, Rinoa. Don't take offense."
"No, I know." She smiled. "I get it. Thanks."
Again Rinoa found herself in the hallway, this time aimless and even more confused than before. She couldn't go back to see Zell or Squall at the moment, and while Quistis had her best interests in mind, she only succeeded in making the sorceress more ill at ease. While thinking, Rinoa began to walk down the corridor with her eyes closed, hoping maybe to bump into the answer she was looking for.
Of course, the answer wasn't something that she could necessarily bump into, or even touch, for that matter.
"Rinoa Heartilly! Here you are…not hard to find at all."
"Oh, Hyne."
Rinoa opened her eyes, only to find her favorite specter, Lilia Van Alst, standing only several feet in front of her. This time around, however, she looked decidedly more apologetic.
"Come, come, don't run away from me this time. You're sober, right? Let's go find a bench or something. We need to talk, darling - you have a big job to do for me and Zelly."