It was a crisp clear first day of November as they departed Nashville for St. Louis to start the second leg of the tour. They would be out for three weeks, home for Thanksgiving, then back out until Christmas. As Deacon boarded the bus, Rayna thought he looked more relaxed. She hoped so. She was looking forward to spending time with him. He came and sat next to her, giving her a quick hug.
"How was Halloween?" he asked.
"The princess and the bumble bee were very happy with their spoils," she said with a grin. "Maddie even went to sleep in her princess costume. Without the tiara, of course."
Deacon laughed. "Did you take them out or stay home and do candy duty?"
"You know me. I was on candy duty. Maddie pouted a little, but they do like to go out with Daddy to trick or treat." She saw the brief cloud cover Deacon's face at the mention of Teddy, so she went on. "What about you? Did you give out treats this year or were you a Halloween pooper sitting in your house with the lights out?" When they were together and actually home on Halloween, Rayna always insisted on giving out candy. Deacon would rather have huddled back in the bedroom with her undisturbed, with all the house lights out. But Halloween was one of Rayna's favorite occasions and she loved seeing the little children all dressed up and excited.
Deacon smiled sheepishly. "I did hand out candy." Rayna laughed and clapped her hands. "But not for long. I didn't buy much."
"But you did it. Yay! Oh! I have something for you." She pulled up her purse and pulled out a picture of Maddie and Daphne in their costumes to give him. It looked like she had cut it down so that it was just the two little girls. Maddie had a huge smile on her face, along with her glittering tiara, sparkly dress and her tiny scepter. Daphne was wearing a bumble bee hoodie and had so much drawing on her face he could hardly tell it was her. Rayna shrugged. "Just thought you might like to keep it in your wallet."
Deacon looked at the picture and smiled. "Thanks, Ray. Boy, aren't they cute." He pulled out his wallet and put the picture in one of the side sleeves. It was next to the picture he still carried with him of the two of them in Mexico, the trip they had taken when they wrote 'Postcard from Mexico'. He didn't think she knew he still carried a picture of them together. He didn't look at it often, because it brought back such bittersweet memories of better times. But now they were having better times again. Maybe they could get a picture to replace that one.
Rayna didn't know if Deacon found it odd she gave him the picture. She had taken it the night before when Teddy was getting ready to take the girls out trick or treating. After she'd printed off the picture, she had carefully cut Teddy out.
When she looked at Maddie, she always wondered why Deacon didn't see how much she looked like him. But if he noticed, he never said a word. He was good with the girls, talking to them as if they were people, not children. And Maddie adored him, which always made her heart catch.
He had never asked if Maddie was his. Of course, he had been at his absolute worst during that time, blacking out routinely, never remembering where he'd been or what he'd been doing. He seemed to accept that Teddy was Maddie's father.
It was better that way, Rayna always told herself. Except that this time he'd stayed sober, he'd turned his life around, he had found the commitment he'd never seemed to have before. And that sometimes made her wonder if she had not really had enough faith in him. When he had come home from rehab the last time, he'd been disappointed that she hadn't waited for him, that she had gotten married, that she was starting a family. He had accused her of giving in to Lamar and living the country club life. That had hurt. But they had repaired things by the time that Rayna was ready to get back to work and he was willing to be in her band again. Now, though, she was questioning everything.
###
This part of the tour was choppy, since both Thanksgiving and Christmas would create longer breaks. Normally, Rayna liked having the opportunities to get home and see her girls, and she still looked forward to those times, but having time with Deacon was primary on her mind these days. It became apparent early on, though, that he was struggling more with the secrecy this time. Ironically, they had always guarded their privacy fiercely and kept their personal life very private when they had been together, but to Deacon, this felt different. He felt put in a corner and he didn't much like it.
When they were in Denver, things seemed to come to a boiling point. Deacon had been in a dark mood since they had arrived. During sound check, he had practically glared at Rayna more than once and that unsettled her. When it was show time, he was his usual professional self, but when Rayna would get close to him on the stage, although he did the right things, his eyes seemed distant. She was not looking forward to later that night, as she was sure things were ready to explode.
Deacon was tense when he got to her room that night and Rayna sensed it immediately. She tried to soothe him by pulling him down on the couch and cozying up to him, kissing him lightly. "You know," she whispered in his ear, "I really love having you both in my professional and my private lives."
At that, Deacon scowled and got up, moving over to the window. "How much longer do we have to be this private, Rayna?" he snarled. "How much longer do I have to be your secret boyfriend?"
Rayna got up and walked over towards him, but did not get close enough to touch him. "Deacon, I have told you before that it's complicated. There's the girls, for one thing."
Deacon looked at her. "I get that, Ray, but I don't think that's all of it. People get divorced all the time and make it work. What is it that ties you to Teddy?"
Rayna frowned. "I'm not tied to Teddy."
"You must be. And I don't get it. The you you are with Teddy isn't the real you. It's that country club person you never wanted to be."
"I am not that person. You know that. I can't believe you just said that to me." Rayna's eyes were flashing. She hated being compared to the country club scene. She had never felt comfortable in that life.
"I know the real you, Ray. The real Rayna Jaymes that doesn't drive SUV's and go on play dates and lunches at the club."
"I can't go back to that person, Deacon. I have children now. That's not going to change."
"I get it, Ray. But I don't know where that leaves me. Seems to me that what you want is to have that life, because it looks good and feels good, and then you want your dirty past on the side in the shadows while you're away from that life."
Rayna gasped. "How dare you! I do not think of that as my 'dirty past'. I loved you then. I made no apologies for that."
Deacon raised his eyebrows. "So it's 'then'? What is it now?"
Rayna stomped her foot and glowered at him. "Stop twisting my words. I loved you then, I love you now. I have always loved you. But I can't go back to those days. It's not possible."
He walked over to her and grabbed her arms. "Then where do I fit, Ray? Are you planning to keep everything like it is forever?"
Rayna pulled away from him. "I don't know, Deacon. I…there are a lot of things that I have to consider."
"Like what?"
Rayna shook her head. "I just can't talk about it, babe. There are just some things that are private in a marriage. It's not that simple."
Deacon took a step back. "Well, I can make it simple for you." His face was dark. Rayna was exasperated. She knew she was at the edge and she knew he didn't understand. He turned and walked out of the room, letting the door slam behind him. She felt both miserable and furious, at him and at herself.
She stomped over to the couch and sat down. She pulled off her boots and threw them on the floor. She stood up and walked towards the bathroom, undressing as she went, throwing her clothes down along the way. She started a shower, got in, and tried to relax. As the water sluiced over her, she felt some of the tension start to ease. As she stood with her eyes closed, letting the water rush over her, she knew he was there. She had always been able to sense him near her, even if she couldn't see him, and she knew he was standing there now, watching her.
She opened her eyes and turned her head and there he was. She suspected that when he came back in the room, he had seen her trail of clothes and had added his to it as he traced her path. And then he opened the shower door and stepped in, pressing her against the wall and running his hand across her breasts and down her stomach.
Afterwards he wrapped her first in a towel and then in his arms and looked deep in her eyes. "You can tell me everything or you can tell me nothing at all. It doesn't matter. The only thing that does is you and me." And he leaned in to kiss her, long and deep, as tears ran down her face.
###
Two days later they headed home for Thanksgiving. Rayna was on edge. She hated Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving dinner was always a stiff, unpleasant affair. She thought she had probably picked that up from her mother, who never enjoyed the pomp and circumstance that Lamar demanded at the holiday. Rayna remembered how her mother would leave the table as soon as she could and go sit outside in the garden. As a child, Rayna hadn't understood why her mother seemed so distant and unhappy, but since Tandy had told her about the affair, she imagined her mother was wishing she could have been with her lover.
When she and Deacon were together, they would come late for Thanksgiving dinner and leave early. Lamar never liked Deacon anyway and made sure he knew it. Then there were the times when Deacon was too drunk to even make it and Lamar would make Rayna's day miserable because of it. Since she had been married to Teddy, they had had to put in an appearance every year. The girls were always fussy and Rayna always remembered those other times when Lamar had made her feel like trash and she resented the command performances even more.
On Thanksgiving morning, she was putting on her makeup while Teddy was getting the girls ready. She thought about Deacon. She hadn't seen him or talked to him since they had gotten back to Nashville and she was feeling at loose ends over it. She didn't know what he did these days for Thanksgiving and hadn't wanted to ask. She remembered how that had always been a time for them to be alone together, after the brief appearance at Lamar's. It was always a quiet time for them, a recharging period, a reconnecting time. She missed that.
Teddy had walked in then and caught her introspective look. He frowned. "Are you thinking about him?"
Rayna cut her eyes over to look at his reflection in the mirror. She didn't say a word. She was tired of this. She was tired of feeling pushed on both sides. The storm that had been brewing since Ann Arbor was bearing down on her and she wasn't sure where her safe place was or how exactly to get there. She got up and pushed past her husband to get dressed.
They drove to Lamar's in stony silence, the girls chattering in the back seat, oblivious to their parents' antagonism. Lamar was his usual ebullient self, making a big fuss over the girls and chatting up Teddy. Tandy pulled Rayna aside.
"Ok, you don't look so good today," she said. "What's up?"
Rayna rolled her eyes. "The usual. It's Thanksgiving at Daddy's, he's making a big deal out of it, Teddy's sucking up to it, and all I want to do is eat and leave."
Tandy slipped her arm through her sister's as they walked towards the den. "Something else is going on. I can see it in your eyes. Is everything ok on the tour?"
Rayna looked at her. "Everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?"
Tandy stopped. "Well, that conversation you and I had about Deacon before you left, for one. How has that been, being that close?"
Rayna looked away. "It's been fine, Tandy. Deacon is a professional. I'm a professional. We're fine."
Tandy looked hard at her sister. "Rayna? Is there more going on than that?"
Rayna looked back at her sister, her eyes flashing. "Stop it! I have to hear this at home from Teddy, I am not going to hear it from you." She pulled away from Tandy and walked into the den, heading for her girls. Tandy watched her walk away, a frisson of fear running down her spine. Something wasn't right.
Tandy never got another chance to talk to Rayna. Rayna seemed almost skittish, moving from one place to another, either standing with Teddy or sitting with her girls. She successfully got Teddy to leave before dessert, claiming a headache. He was not happy about that, but she couldn't stand being there a moment longer and she was afraid that Tandy would corner her again and be able to read the truth into her discomfort.
###
The day after Thanksgiving was overcast and cool. Rayna needed to get out of the house, so she bundled up the girls and took them to the park. As she watched them play, she found herself thinking about the future, thinking about what was next for her and for Deacon. She knew she was coming to the end of the road and would have to make a decision. She acknowledged to herself that she was afraid, that she very probably had made a very bad decision eight years ago, one that she might not be able to overcome.
As she thought about her situation, she found herself wanting to somehow let Deacon know how she felt. She reached into her purse and pulled out the notebook she always carried with her to write down song snippets. She started writing and, with only minor changes, she wrote out an entire song without stopping. She knew she had to give it to Deacon before they left on Sunday. As she thought through her plan, she finally began to feel some peace.
###
Saturday afternoon, Rayna drove over to Deacon's house in East Nashville. She didn't know if he would even be home, but she saw his truck out front, so she parked along the street. She sat in her SUV for a few minutes thinking about what she wanted to do and then finally she got out and walked up the steps to his door. When he opened it, he was surprised to see her standing there. "Hey, Ray, what's up?" he asked.
"I was hoping you'd be here. I wanted to talk to you for a minute. Alone." He still stood just looking at her, as though he thought she was an apparition. She smiled. "Can I come in?"
He shook his head as though he were clearing out cobwebs and smiled back. "Sure." He reached for her hand and pulled her through the door. When he closed the door behind her, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She put her arms around his waist, dropping her purse as she did. He pulled back and asked, "How long can you stay?"
She smiled shyly. "A little while."
He took her hand again and led her back to the bedroom. Rayna was a little surprised at his tenderness as he made love to her. Usually they were ravenous for each other, but this felt comfortable. And today, it felt right. He pulled her close to him and said, "This was a surprise."
"I really wanted to see you today. You know how Thanksgiving is…"
He laughed softly. "Another command performance at the Wyatt mansion?"
Rayna nodded. "Yeah. You'd be proud of me, though. I faked a headache before dessert so I didn't have to stay. I haven't done that since…well, since the last time you and I were there."
Deacon kissed her lightly. "Can't say I miss that experience." He cleared his throat. "So you didn't come to tell me that you skipped out on Lamar's dessert."
"No, I didn't." She ran her finger down his cheek. "I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you want more from me and that I've been…reluctant." She searched his face for a reaction, but he didn't give her one. "I just need a little more time. I was at the park yesterday with the girls and I wrote something for you. A song. I wanted to make sure that you had it today, before we leave tomorrow, so that you would know just exactly how I felt." She felt her eyes burn with unshed tears and she struggled not to give in. "I love you, Deacon. I have always loved you, from the minute I met you. I will always love you, that's not going to change. No matter what happens next. No matter where our path takes us. You are a part of me that I will always carry with me, whether you're with me or not. So I wrote the song for you. And I'd like for you to put it to music."
Deacon swallowed. Rayna was his heart and he didn't want to lose her. He wasn't sure what to expect from this song, but he believed her that they were part of each other. He pulled her close and this time their lovemaking was raw and fierce, the way it normally was. And after they had held each other close afterwards, communicating without words, Rayna disentangled herself and got out of bed, getting dressed. Deacon pulled on his jeans and followed her out to the living room.
Rayna reached for her purse and pulled out the pages, laying them on the coffee table. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, reaching for him and holding him close. Then she pulled away and walked out the door. Deacon stood watching her until she got in her car and drove away. Then he closed the door and went over to the table. He picked up the pages she'd left and started to read.