A Day in the Life
November 4th
I am at work, typing this entry out on my desktop PC as I now feel well enough to summon enough motivation to come in without sitting in the shower for half an hour after I wake up, weeping. I woke up this morning to find that both my nostrils had blissfully de-congested themselves, leaving me with only a mild case of the sniffles. I put this down to Gen'yumaru's chicken soup, which was absolutely fantastic. The boss, however, is still suffering. He's not very happy, either, because not only is it my fault he has a terrible head cold, it's also my fault that he woke up this morning with rope burn around his wrists.
I shouldn't be laughing, but it was quite funny.
Since I was the first to rise, (as usual, the boss is really rather lazy) I picked up the breakfast trays his house-staff leave outside his bedroom door and brought them in. They already know my order: a plain black coffee, a bagel with cream-cheese and a fruit plate. The boss has either:
Option 1 - green tea, miso soup and some rice
or;
Option 2 - English tea, a massive fruit plate and a small bowl of cornflakes
or;
Option 3 - peppermint tea and three sticks of Wrigley's Doublemint (which he stuffs in his mouth all at once).
The boss had went for option three, so I sat his tea and his chewing gum on his bedside cabinet and hopped back into bed and started on my breakfast. I had finished my bagel and was halfway through my fruit plate when the boss woke up. He seemed to come to his senses in several distinct stages. This first involved him taking stock of his current situation, along the lines of: "Am I awake? It certainly seems so. Check. Who am I? I am Orochimaru. Check. Where am I? I appear to be in my bedroom. Check. Are all my limbs present and correct? No. I cannot move my arms. What is wrong with my arms? Why can't I move them?"
When he realised something was wrong, he began to panic, which involved much thrashing and yelling until he saw me.
"Sasuke-kun..." he breathed, his eyes full of fear. "I can't move my arms!"
"Look up," I said, ever-so-casually, taking a sip of my coffee.
And look up he did. When he spotted the securely knotted dressing gown cord that tied his arms to the bedpost, he calmed down immediately and fixed me with an icy, sidelong stare.
"I did not consent to this, Sasuke-kun," he said.
I replied that I was very well aware of that fact, but that I had to do it, otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital. The boss's brow furrowed in puzzlement and I whipped out my phone and showed him the video evidence of his nocturnal shenanigans. He was genuinely surprised at what he saw. Evidently neither Kabuto nor Kimimaro had had the bollocks to tell him about his rampant sleep-disorder.
"I really do that?" he asked, dumbfounded.
"Yes," I said. "You really do that. I suggest you go to your doctor, show him this footage and demand medication - otherwise, it's separate beds."
The boss looked thoughtful at this point and asked me to blue-tooth him the videos. I kindly obliged and helped untie him. It was then that he noticed the rope-burn. He sort of went off on one after that, and started towel-whipping me with the dressing gown. I had to escape to the office pretty smartish. I still have red marks up the backs of my legs. It really stung.
There's nothing much to do now except answer phone calls and mess around on the internet. I've been invited to Gen'yumaru's for dinner later. I think I might go. I haven't been round since I started seeing the boss.
November 5th
Went round to Gen'yumaru's for dinner last night and then I went to see the boss. My social life does not have to revolve completely around Orochimaru! Compromise may be reached, I have discovered, though I have to be a shade covert about it. When I accepted the invitation, I stressed that I couldn't stay long because I had a meeting with my lawyers about the trial. This was a complete and utter lie, but it meant that when I sneaked off to see the boss, I didn't look at all suspicious.
Karin, in particular, was happy to see me. We had quite a nice chat in the kitchen between the main course and dessert when she admitted that she had missed me over the past week or so. I was intrigued, so I enquired into why exactly she had missed me and she confessed that she had been worried about me ever since Jiraiya's 50th birthday bash when I didn't answer her calls or texts. She also confessed that she thought I didn't like her, and that's why I kept avoiding her. I informed her, in no uncertain terms, that her fears were quite unfounded and that, in fact, I liked her very much, letting her know that I have just been busy doing other things. She smiled at me and gave me a grateful hug, wine-glass in hand.
It was great to see everyone else, though, too. Suigetsu, in particular, was on fine form, telling us a brilliant joke about a nun and a rubber chicken that had me laughing until the tears came. We all briefed each other on the latest gossip, including some of the things I missed while I was "sick". Tayuya, apparently, is going out with Sakon and there's a betting pool on how long it'll last. I placed four-hundred yen on round about a month, give or take a few days. Suigetsu was considerably less generous, giving them only a week. They asked if I would take the sheet to the boss and Kabuto to see if they wanted a shot at the money. I said I'd do it. It sounded like something the boss would appreciate. I don't care about Kabuto.
Sure enough, the boss put down five-hundred thousand yen for two weeks' time. He has far too much money. I'm really at a loss as to what he does with it all.
He was acting a little strangely when I turned up, though. Still wrapped in layers of blankets, he had moved into his study and was hunched over his laptop, hammering away at the keys. He was concentrating pretty hard as he didn't notice me come in, and when I tapped him on the shoulder, he flinched, and snapped his screen closed when he saw me. Everything was relatively normal after that, but I can't ignore the boss's decidedly shifty actions. He obviously did not want me to see what he was doing.
I'll just have to find out then, since I am a suspicious sort...
November 6th
When I opened my inbox this morning, I had two particularly interesting e-mails. The first was a memo from Suigetsu:
----
From: "Waterboy"
Subject: Pranks Day
Dear colleagues,
Due to the phenomenal success of last year's official office Pranks Day as proposed by the Human Resources department and sanctioned by Orochimaru-sama himself, there will be another official office Pranks' Day.
Pranks' Day will begin tomorrow, that is November 7th, at 6am and will continue throughout the day until 6pm. In order to participate, all employees must present themselves to the Department of Human Resources and sign the release form.
Timetables for those employees wishing to take part are as follows:
8:30 - 10:00am: Departments of Human Resources and Accounts & Finance.
10:30 - 12:00pm: Departments of Sales & Marketing and Purchasing.
1:30 - 3:30pm: Departments of Research and Development and Information Technology.
4:00 - 5:00pm: All other employees, or those who missed prior departmental slots.
Now is the time to start thinking about what pranks you are going to play on your colleagues! Remember, though, it's all in good fun.
Happy Pranks' Day!
Suigetsu
Head of Department of Human Resources
----
I never knew about this when I was conducting research into the company after I was first offered a job with Otogakure.
It is official.
I love working here.
However, I received another e-mail that rather dampened my high-spirits.
----
From: "Uchiha Itachi"
Subject: The trial.
Greetings, little brother!
Itachi here. Kabuto has asked me to assist in the preparation for your court case and has requested an in-depth interview regarding your history of sleep-related problems. I have consented to conduct this interview with him, as I have a few days' holiday I am entitled to take. I will be flying into Otogakure Airport tomorrow at 7:15pm. My flight number is MZ1094 (I am flying with Mizu Airways).
See you then, Sasuke-kun!
P.S. What voltage does Otogakure use in their mains supplies? Will I have to bring an adaptor for my GHDs?
----
Typical. Just bloody, bloody typical. Itachi never considers whether he might be inconveniencing me by e-mailing me the day before and announcing, out of the blue, that he will be turning up on my doorstep. He simply assumes that I will drop whatever I am doing to satisfy his whims. Itachi never asks if it is alright if he can stay for a while, because the thought does not even cross his mind that I might refuse. Similarly, Itachi never thinks about whether I might not be available to pick him up from the fucking airport at whatever hour in the day because he believes that when it comes to him I should have all the time in the world.
This really does not bode well for his visit. I can already feel the stress-tension developing in my neck and shoulder-blades and he's not even here yet.
I'm going to need to book a massage. Or two. Or possibly three. Or a ticket to a spa for a week where I can relax in a mud bath and get the hell away from my over-achieving brother.
Must try and erase Itachi and his supreme self-centred arrogance from my mind. Thinking up diabolical pranks for tomorrow should help matters along.
Have to go sign up now. Will update you on the prank situation later.
LATER: I think I may have just come up with the Best Prank Ever! The boss and I are teaming up because he can override all the settings on everyone's computers (he has so much power - I love it!) We're sitting working on it right now. Of course, Amachi and the I.T. guys will see through it right away, but they'll be so inundated with calls from worried, less computer literate employees and won't be able to do a damn thing about it!
This is how it should go. It is a company rule that employees are not permitted to mess around with their desktop backgrounds (there was an incident involving a lewd photograph of Jiroubou in a gimp suit doing the rounds and a blanket ban was eventually imposed). Therefore, each desktop is identical and has the same folders and shortcuts to programmes saved on it. Orochimaru can check each employee's computer to ensure that no one is breaking the rules.
What we're planning to do is fiddle a little with everyone's desktop backgrounds via the boss's godly Admin account. By hitting the old print screen, we'll take a snapshot of the default desktop, delete all the icons and save the snapshot image as the background. Then, the boss will apply this as the default desktop to only every single damn computer in the company! It's going to be brilliant, it really is. People will be clicking and clicking and thinking their computer has frozen up. So simple... but so incredibly effective!
I remember trying it out on Naruto a few years back when I worked at Konoha-Suna Corp. I swear I almost ruptured something internal trying to suppress my laughter. It took him four hours to realise something was wrong (he kept rebooting his computer, over and over and over, getting angrier by the minute) before he called I.T. Neji, the head of I.T. at Konoha-Suna came up personally to fix it, and when he found out what was actually "wrong" with Naruto's computer, he laughed so hard that Naruto ended up throwing a plant-pot at him and a big fight broke out.
I never did get round to admitting to him that it was me...
Ah well. Never mind. Tomorrow (up until 7:15pm) is going to be fantastic!
November 7th
Did I say that today was going to be fantastic? I take it all back.
It is only 8:50am and I have been pranked three times already. Three times! I went back to my apartment last night after going to see the boss and I woke up, shrieking like an Academy schoolgirl because someone (read: the boss) had planted a huge and incredibly life-like rubber anaconda in my bed. When I finally managed to calm myself down and lower my pulse rate (I really did think I was going to have a heart-attack - my chest felt all funny and everything) I had to run to the bathroom, due to severe early-morning stress. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that someone had coated the toilet seat in a translucent substance that, upon coming into contact with human skin, turns black. I now have a large black ring around my arse and across the backs of my legs. Only Amachi and Kabuto have such intimate knowledge of chemicals. My money is on the former. Kabuto would have come up with something that burned, too.
You know, for about five minutes before I went to sleep last night, I felt a little bit bad for Amachi. I take that back, too. This prank the boss and I are pulling is going to make so much hell for Amachi, it'll be unreal. And I will laugh. A lot.
On the way in to work, I spotted a poor soul who had been deprived of his underpants and handcuffed to a fence by some caring colleagues, who had long since deserted him. A forlorn pile of silly-string still clung to his hair and his bare feet as he yelled for someone to call a locksmith. I laughed heartily at him and strolled up to the office.
My mood somewhat lightened after that, but it did not last long. I was the first (after Suigetsu) to enter the Staff Room and, consequently, I activated the trip wire he had set up, causing four modified Super-Soakers to simultaneously empty their ridiculously high-pressured contents all over me. Suigetsu then promptly leapt out from behind the sofa and roared with laughter, pointing at me and waving his digital camera about his head, letting me know that my lost dignity and super-soaking would now be shared with the entire corporation at large.
Needless to say, my Uchiha pride would not stand for this and, dripping wet, I tackled him, gagged him and locked him up in the cupboard. My first prank of the day.
I had to run home quickly to change, but by the time I made my way up to the boss's office, I could already hear the murmurs of dissent in the ranks as the Otogakure employees discovered that their computers were behaving in an odd fashion. Or, to put it more accurately, were not behaving at all. I smirked.
Oh... it's all going to kick off. I know it.
LATER: The boss and I are now sitting in his office, watching the CCTV and laughing our heads off at all the underlings. In R&D, someone appears to have compiled an i-pod mix of ripped hardcore porn audio and is blasting it through the intercom. Some clever bugger has been remapping the function keys on the computers of several, carefully selected colleagues in Sales & Marketing. The members of the Department of Human Resources, like their immediate boss, are a little less subtle, and appear to be satisfied with covering others' cubes in tinfoil or turning the whole office upside down. There have been several reported incidents of super-glue abuse; one poor sap has been stuck to his swivel-chair in Purchasing and another is being peeled from the floor outside Gen'yumaru's office by a gang of sniggering workmates.
It's fair to say that it's absolute bedlam here today...
Up until now, no one has played a prank on the boss. This is probably because if they do, and he finds out who they are, they will be fired in the blink of an eye. He likes to inflict misery on others, but he is a lot less keen when it comes to himself, you see. I, however, am a different case from the other Joes in the office. I haven't yet forgiven him for the rubber anaconda, and I think it's time the boss suffered on Pranks' Day just like the rest of us.
LATER: I am now a legend in the office. I kept it sweet and simple and got the biggest (repressed) laugh of the day.
Kidoumaru was doing a roaring trade in low-quality, single-use prank paraphernalia that he bought wholesale off a guy on Ebay. I went along to Purchasing and bought a whoopee cushion from him for two-hundred and fifty yen.
The time of the boss's afternoon meeting with R&D was approaching. With an evil, evil grin, I inflated the whoopee cushion and secreted it about my person, slipping it underneath the lapel of my snazzy, tailor-made, black suit before my unwitting victim appeared and I had to escort him to our destination. Once there, all the requisite formalities were observed, including obsequious displays of arse-kissing. This was directed pretty much exclusively towards the boss and was pretty much exclusively the work of Shitface.
So, the boss entered the meeting room and I followed close behind with my notebook in hand. Everyone else was already sitting and the overhead projector was humming with the tantalising thrum of imminent victory and total humiliation. I sat while the boss gave a said a few opening words, as is his custom. While he did so, I stared straight ahead at the clock on the far wall, trying desperately to suppress the horrendous, ill-timed giggle-fit that was threatening to erupt and spoil the whole thing. Orochimaru's mini-speech came to an end and I felt the swish of his kimono on my arm which indicated that he was about to sit.
It was time.
The boss was lowering his arse to the seat. I had to act quickly and with stealth. Still staring resolutely at the wall, in one fluid movement, my hand slipped into the folds of my suit and withdrew my weapon of choice and I planted the cushion of doom as the boss's arse was but an inch from touching down.
The results were immediate and devastating.
The sound of a prolonged and rambling fart reverberated throughout the clinically pristine meeting room. It had the sound of pain to it. After the initial, violent, stuttering machine-gun bursts, it ended with a quavering wail and a final low, mournful, airy note. It was truly spectacular. Never has 250 yen been so well spent.
Then, there was a Silence: one thoroughly deserving of the upper-case, as it was Significant. Jaws had dropped and eyes had widened all around the table. They all looked as though they had just emitted the most alarming sound heard by man, not the boss. Kabuto was stunned. While all this was going on, I was still staring straight-ahead at the wall. I swear my ribs were cracking from trying not to laugh. It was extraordinarily unfair. My finest hour and I could neither guffaw nor chortle at the boss's expense. To do so, however, would have ruined the impact of the prank.
A tense thirty seconds passed in which not a sound could be heard. You really could have heard the proverbial pin drop. Then I felt the boss's hand on my shoulder. He wasn't gripping hard, so I knew that he wasn't incandescent with rage. He said, in a low, amused tone, "Well done, Sasuke-kun. I rather expect you'll want to go and get it out of your system?"
I nodded, feeling my jaw about to crack with the strain of holding back the torrent of LAWL.
"Very well then," he said. "I will see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun, bright and early."
I stood up and felt all eyes boring into me as I left the meeting room. As soon as I was safely out in the corridor and the door had closed behind me, I collapsed on the cold, tiled floor and burst out laughing. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was literally clutching at my sides because they were so, terribly sore. Now that I look back on it, I might not have been far away enough from the meeting room and the boss would have probably heard me (in all honesty, I think anyone in the company could have heard me at that point) but I don't think I have to care. The boss didn't seem angry.
Ahhhh... Sweet, sweet victory - and more than payback for the anaconda stunt, I should think! And, as I type, the congratulatory e-mails are coming in thick and fast.
All there is left to do now is have some dinner and go pick up Itachi.
I am so good...
Sorry for the wait, guys. My internet was down for a couple of days and I had somewhere to be last night. Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys are all awesome, really you are - and your reviews make me lol, too. :-) Thanks must go out to: eerabbit, foreverloved, qwertumz, Niver, Winged Valkiria, fiore777 (who is a GUY, by the way - ignore my last guess regarding his gender!), Simple-Minded Idiot, Raspedra Twilight, ArilianaFireQueen, danni quinn (I hope you're feeling better now!), Maenad, Ooh look a giant hippy, and krisis81. Thanks again, too, to everyone who's left a review so far. You will get karma from it, I swear to krishna...
Next chapter - sibling angst!
Take care:-)