Dear Wanker

by Where're Teh Twinkies

When England loses his temper, he does what anyone else would - writes an insulting letter to someone whether he likes them or not, because it's not his fault there are so many bloody wankers in the world to day, and you are one of them.

10. Mum Wanker

Dear Mum,

Mum, why are you reading my blog?! And what do you mean especially me, I'm your only son.

But, mum, don't read my blog! It wasn't even my choice, I swear! It was that damn wank—I mean, that fool Alfred's fault for suggesting a blog to that moron Twinkies! I promise, it wasn't me. And I'm not cussing! A lot. Francis curses more than me—I'm not the only one! Come on, mum, everyone curses these days, especially Alfred.

And I was just kidding, I swear! I'm just replying to my fans, that's all. Romano does it, too. And you didn't just let me take over the country, mum—you tried to kill me after I became I pirate. Two-hundred and seventeen times, to be accurate. But, I mean, heh, who's counting?

And mum, Henrita's a country. She can't marry a 'young man' because she can't marry. Well, I suppose she could, but come on, mum, everyone curses! So do you when you use black magic! I think you've witness more horror that Genghis Khan has killed. I—I mean, I'm not comparing you to him or anything, I love you dearly, mum, but—just don't read my blog, mum. Please.

Perhaps you can torture Romano instead?

With much love,

Arthur

PS: I'm not playing any tricks, I swear! But my cat? No, no, mum, that's impossible, cats don't communicate. Well, with strange noises they do, but they don't actually talk, nor can they type on a keyboard. They are not nearly as intelligent as we are. You're paranoid, mum; it was probably Francis or someone.