Have ya missed me? I'm sorry! My computer went mad but now I'm back for good. Ofc its not quite over yet, but it is drawing to a close soon I'm afraid gorgeousnesses! I may do a sequel if y'all are extra nice! :D REVIEWS ARE LOVE xxxxx

And though I may not look like much,

I'm yours...

GORDIE

I slammed the door so hard I was surprised that it didn't break. All the way home I'd walked, head down, with my eyes averted as I fought those stupid faggy tears. They were the reason he didn't want me. That and the fact I was a boy.

But, he had wanted me. That's what made it the worst. If he hadn't kissed me that one fateful night, none of this would have happened. I hadn't realised at the time, but at that moment everything had changed. Seriously changed. It was more than the brush of lips on lips. A little 'experimentation' to make your childhood more interesting. At least, never to me.

Storming up the stairs at a height of rage I'd never experienced, I slammed into the room on my left and let myself go. Tears streamed desperately down my hot cheeks as I buried my face in Denny's carpet. It was the same as when he'd been alive. Blue, with the faint smell of cigarette smoke and mint. Denny's smell. Denny, the only person in the whole world who had ever given a shit about me. Would Denny care I was a fag? Probably, but he wouldn't have turned his back on me. He'd probably have thought of a way of curing me, he was smart that way.

I sort of noticed when the sky outside began to darken. It wouldn't be long until my parents got home from wherever the fuck they went during the daytimes. Slowly, I got up and loped to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water. The droplets clung to my sweaty skin, but it didn't change the burning feel I had behind my eyes. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Afraid of what I'd see.

My Mum got in around eight, to find me spread out on the couch staring brazenly at an old magazine. We talked mechanically about my schoolwork, I ate some re-heated turkey stew that tasted like cardboard and said goodnight without registering what was coming out of my mouth. My Dad didn't turn up at all during the proceedings, probably off getting drunk with the rest of the nobodies.

When I was sure my mother was asleep, I crept downstairs to bolt the door. I knew there would most likely be some bastards baying for my blood that night, and couldn't be bothered dealing with the aggravation. This done, I strode back up the stairs and crept into Denny's room again. And - balling up on my side - fell asleep on his bed because it was the only place I felt safe. Sleeping in the unchanged room of my long-dead brother - Healthy.

The next day was uneventful. School was out of the question - now they were over the initial shock, there was no way I'd get out of there alive - and why would I want to go there anyway? Homos ain't fit for work. Around five there was a knock at the front door.

"Gordie?"

I recognised Janice's voice immediately, but wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her. After a moment, I conceived that - after the incident in my room - I owed her a conversation.

Sighing, I slung the latch up and opened the door to see her looking surprised. Hurriedly, as if she were worried I'd change my mind, she shimmied past me and took a seat on the stairs. I shut the door and turned to face her.

"So?" I looked at her as she took in my appearance. I was in the same clothes I'd had on yesterday and my hair was in a filthy disarray.

"Jesus, Gordie. You look like shit. Are you okay?"

"I'm fucking fantastic, Janice. Thanks for asking."

She ignored my blatant sarcasm. "I missed you at school." She picked at her fingernails.

"What did you expect me to do?"

"Not this! I thought if you were gonna… you know, tell people, you'd be a man about it. Take it on the chin."

"A man? That's a joke. Ain't you figured it out yet, girl? I'm not a man."

She looked at me confusedly. "Um… of course you are. You have boy parts." She blushed in a girlish way.

I sighed again, shifting to sit beside her on the threadbare step.

"Things can't be the same, you know. I'm a fag, you get that right?"

"There ain' no such thing as 'fag'. You're just a boy who loves a boy. That's it."

"Love? What are you talking about? I don't love anyone!"

"Oh, pleeeease, Gordie. Spare me! Its been obvious from the beginning! I was stupid to think you ever liked me."

"I-I…"

"Did you really have sex with this Moran guy?"

I looked down at my feet. "That's none of your business."

"You're right. But if you did then you know you did it for the wrong reasons. He's not the one you want."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT!" My shout was louder than I'd intended, and I saw a flicker of fear in her wide eyes. A reminder of that horrific scene in my room. I regretted it instantly, reaching over to brush her arm. "I-I'm sorry. I just…. I-I don't know, y'know? And anyways, Chris don't want me and I guess he's a prick anyhow."

"Ah, give him time." Janice smiled a little, "If I've learnt one thing about you guys its that you aren't secure in ANYTHING at all. This is hard for him. Just let him come around to it."

"And its not hard for me? Jan, I just fucking outed myself to the entire student populus. Sides, I don't think you realize how long this has been goin' on. He's been using me as his fuck-buddy slut for the last few weeks. I just couldn't take it any more. I thought there was a chance he might choose me over his pride… Guess I was wrong."

Janice grabbed my hand and squeezed. Hard. "You can't give up on him, Gordie! You just can't! This is gonna be difficult enough for him without losing you, too."

"What's gonna be difficult for him? I didn't fucking out him so he's safe. He can continue to grope the Brandon bitch to his heart's content."

"You haven't heard?" She stood up, her eyes even wider. "Oh, God, Gordie. I thought you knew. Or would have guessed…"

"Huh?"

"Everyone noticed when he defended you! So of course the word has spread to the rest of the Chambers family. You see what that means?"

I nearly choked. What had I done?

"H-his Dad…"

"And brother nonetheless. Saw him in school today, every inch of him black and blue. I was surprised he could walk."

I put a hand over my mouth. I'd done this to Chris! He was getting beaten to a bloody pulp because I was too much of a pansie faggot to take the fact we had to be a secret. I ran a hand through my hair, struggling not to be sick.

Janice stood up, laying a steady hand on my shaking shoulder. "Gordie? Gordie, its alright. He can take it, he's strong. But he needs you to help him through it."

I swallowed. My brain awash with a foul mix of horror and self-loathing. Selfish selfish selfish…

"Why hasn't anyone come after me yet? I swear they ran Moran out of town for a smaller performance."

"I think everyone's still a little shellshocked. Maddens didn't come into school, so everyone thinks he's sly too. Oh, and I did kinda tell everyone you ran out of town."

"Oh. Wow. Thanks, Jan"

We stood in the hallway for a few more seconds. Janice ran a hand through her hair, which was slipping out of its long plait.

"I just… can't deal with him anymore. He is such a bastard." I fiddled with my fingers agitatedly.

"Look, Gordie. Are you really surprised? Did you really expect Chris to come out and be all proud? He's grown up surrounded by 'bastards'. He's been bread to hate what he is."

"Like my family is so fucking perfect!"

Janice glanced around at the empty, colourless house.

"Maybe not. But that doesn't make it any easier for Chris."

I sighed, sniffing to hold back more tears. Jesus, I was turning into such a wet fuck.

I'd been a selfish prick. A rotten, selfish prick. I hadn't once considered the effect things were having on Chris. I'd assumed that he'd liked playing around with me, but in fact the opposite was true. The whole thing confused him and made him want to hit something. Why hadn't I seen that? Or didn't I know him at all?

"Jesus, Jan. I should go see him, right?"

"I can't tell you what to do."

"What if he hurts me again?"

"Then you lose nothing. I know I've defended him today, but his background doesn't excuse all his actions. You two need to come to some sort of compromise. I'm sure you can work things out."

"Aw, Janice. Why can't everyone be like you?"

She shrugged. "I have more brain cells than a lot of people. Plus I am totally awesome."

"Hell yes you are," I pulled her into a one-armed hug. "I love you, Jan. You do know that, right? And I'm sorry for this shit I caused with you. I didn't mean to use you."

"Yeah, you did, honey. But don't worry, I'm sooooo over you. I happen to have my eye on another boy."

"Anyone I know?"

"Do you know Teddy DuChamp?"

I laughed.

***

When Janice had gone - we'd spent a couple of hours dissecting Teddy's eyebrow movements, which had totally bored me - I stood by my open door feeling queasy. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach? Half excitement… half nervousness? Yeah, I had that.

Chris was at home, probably beaten black and blue. And it was all my fault. I'd been childish, only thinking about myself. But Janice was right, he shouldn't have treated me like that.

I walked back into my house, and climbed back into bed. I fell asleep easily, not sure I wanted the dreams that were going to come to me.

I shuddered awake at about three a.m. I wiped a hand across my bleary eyes, not knowing what had woken me. Then it hit me. A sharp pain lancing in my chest. Thrumming loudly in time with my heart. It was wrenching, something pulling and twisting my guts out row by row. I doubled over in pain, not knowing what the fuck was going on.

Slowly, the feeling subsided. But I didn't sleep again that night. Instead, I climbed out of my window and out into the cool grass. Barefoot, I ventured up to the road. I must have looked ridiculous, in jeans and no shirt. It was raining - but not hard, just a little drizzle. I enjoyed the feeling, like it was washing me off and making me clean again.

I'd barely registered where I was going before I felt my feet stop outside the Chambers front porch. Eyeball's hateful dog - Rucky - was sleeping deeply outside the door. I crept around the back of the house, hearing voices echoing from Chris' bedroom. Why were they yelling at three o'clock in the freaking morning?

The words became distinct as I moved closer.

"I will NOT tolerate a fag in my family!" Eyeball Chambers. The son-of-a whore.

"Yeah, you measly little ass-fuck!" Ace! What the-

"Get the FUCK out!" And Chris' Dad.

Touche. So much for family values. He sounded dog-drunk too.

"D-Dad…" Chris' voice was muffled and distorted. I wondered if there was blood in his mouth.

"He's not moving, is he boys? Right, I suggest you THROW him out."

"Da- Da.. No.."

I heard some moving and crashing around, and realized what was happening. Those louts were going to throw him out the window!

"I WON'T HAVE A FAG IN MY FAMILY!"

Chris hit the ground.

Hard.

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