Going into the Mist
The Morning After
By Pat Squared
Disclaimer
The Fan Fiction Network Authors Alliance Against Autonomy [FFNA4] has brought you another public service message. We have contracted with the copy ninjas of Kinkogakure no sato (The village hidden at your local Kinko's copy center). Unless you post a review, the Kinko's copy ninjas will sneak into your parent's house, make copies of your most embarrassing photographs from your childhood, and distribute them to your friends, family, potential mates, and any enemies you may have. In addition, the Kinkogakure nin will post the most embarrassing family photos and videos on FaceBook, Google Plus, Flicker, MySpace, and YouTube for everyone to see for all eternity. Mwahahahahahahahaha!
If you destroyed all your embarrassing photos in an attempt to thwart the Kinko's copy ninjas, they will Photoshop you doing illegal acts with that spandex wearing walrus at the nude beach, tell Rock Lee and Maito Gai that you need to be inspired by the power of youth, or worse yet , do both.
Review or be ready for a midnight visit by the Kinko's copy ninjas nearest you.
* Story Starts Here *
Sakura's Clinic, Konohagakure
If it were not for Hinata's help, the village would not know the full details about the impending population boom. With the exception of one rookie genin team (Because one girl was on guard duty at the Hyūga estate, the other girl was stuck working a shift at the Yamanaka Flowershop, and the boy, an Akemchi, was too busy trying to bankrupt an all you can eat buffet) all the other males on the newly formed genin teams were on D-rank missions playing carpenters building nurseries and cribs to cope with the upcoming population boom they had help create. Half of Sakura's task was identifying which team member was the father of what particular fetus. Due to the fertility pills and the fact that genin team typically has a 2:1 boy to girl mix - most of the girls had at least one upcoming child from each male on the team.
With an average of two point six extra chakra sources per female ninja, Sakura was cursing being the head OB/GYN/Pediatrics medic-nin for the entire village. Sure, the civilian doctors could handle deliveries for any civilian girls knocked up, but the laws of Konohagakure required that female ninja and females from bloodline clans use medic-nins or clan mid-wives for all ninja births. The placentas had a lot of genetic information that Konoha could not risk falling into the hands of other villages. That is why the ninja OB/GYN units were guard by ANBU operatives and all personnel inside were medic-nins that were screened thoroughly by Inochi Yamanaka himself. Now Sakura was looking forward to over three hundred and sixty deliveries in forty weeks. With five of them from Akemchi females...Sakura was already prepping for the rush.
The worst part…she was two months pregnant before all this happened. Thankfully, this one would be a single birth. Sakura would have to subject herself to the breast pump and tell her husband, Lee that he could train his flames of youth by taking care of the twins and her upcoming newborn. However, if she ever caught him doing the Sunset no jutsu, preaching about the joys of youth, or making her kids wear green spandex and orange leg warmers, she will use everything that her mentor, Tsunade the slug-sanin, taught her about bitch-smacking perverts, pound all the youth out of Lee and his uncle Maito, and send the youth-loving pair to an early grave. Lee was fast, but he was not faster than his wife when Sakura is going to lay the chakra-enhanced beat-down.
Before this, there were enough female medic-nins to handle all but the worse cases. Now she had her planned maternity leave short to take care of this.
Hanabi definitely will be scheduled for a natural delivery with no epidurals.
Make that bitch feel the pain…feel the pain Hanabi-hime. Feel the pain as that baby rips yout twat from the inside out. I hope you spend twenty-four hours in labor before you have a vaginal delivery. I will ensure that your baby weights at least nine pounds. Nine pounds of pain…beautiful pain. Pain...I promise you hours of pain, bitch. Teach you to mess with me! Mwuhahahahahahahaha...
There were very few times that Sakura agreed with the voice inside her head. However, both were contemplating ways to increase the pain factor when it came time for one Hyūga princess to deliver her nine-month souvenir.
Kirigakure no sato (The Village Hidden in the Mists)
Long known as the Village of the Bloody Mist, Kirigakure no sato had seen its shares of tragedies. For generations, young prospective genin fought one another to the death to earn their place in the ninja forces of the Mist. The practice continued for generations until Zabuza Momochi, later known as the Demon of the Mist, slew an entire graduating class. After generations of mentally unstable rulers, it appeared that maybe the village hidden in the Mists would have a chance to regain its strength.
The fifth Mizukage Mei Terumi looked out of her window into the fog that covered most of the village. She had to rebuild the strength of the village. The paranoia of the forth Mizukage had driven out most of the bloodlines out of the Land of Water and the few that fought back where killed when Zabuza's coup de etat failed. The purges had weakened the Mist ninja forces until only tradition ensured that the head of Kirigakure was still recognized as a kage.
Mei Terumi wondered what would have happened if Zabuza succeeded. No one alive knew that she had helped him get close enough to almost kill the forth Mizukage Yagura, but not even the Demon of the Mist could succeed against the prison warden of a tailed beast. It was Mei Terumi's efforts that ensured that her former lover manage to escape the hunter-nin that the former mizukage, Yagura, sent after him.
Zabuza-kun, you wanted to see this day.
Mei looked at the stack of paperwork threatening to make her desk implode from its shear mass. Any more, the mass would spontaneously form a black hole and suck all of creation inside. Mei suppressed half a chuckle. Zabuza would probably pull out his sword and turn the paperwork into confetti before turning on the idiot dumb enough to waste his time on minutia. He was direct, too direct to be an effective administrator or politician…a great field commander…but some unlucky subordinate would have to do all the paperwork for him. No…fate ensured that she would be stuck fighting a kage's ultimate nightmare - paperwork.
'Buza, you must be laughing at me. I promise you that when I see you in the afterlife, I will kick your ass before shoving that sword where the sun never shined.
Mei poured some tea into her cup. Sake was good for reminiscing about the past, but sake had to wait until the paperwork was completed. She admired the Leaf's Godarime Senju Tsunade, but disliked the fact that the vain, old sennin drank sake like a fish when there was still a job to do. Worst yet, Konohagakure had the shadow clone. Shadow clones could do all the paperwork. Mei's water clones – Sure they could hold the pen and sign a document, but tended to soak the paperwork in the process.
Note to self – Next jonin that pisses me off gets sent on a mission to obtain the shadow clone jutsu. Maybe a fire jutsu or two to clean out this mess?
She looked at the intelligence reports. Kumo, Iwa, Sound, and Sand were all busy with rebuilding. The alliances of the hidden villages dealt with the Akatsuki threat. Seeing the most dangerous nuke-nin being defeated had cause the others to lie low. The few that did not get the message were dealt with by hunter-nin of various hidden villages. All looked calm until she looked at the intelligent reports from her agent in the Leaf Village.
She had read old reports about an academy student named Naruto Uzumaki pranking the Leaf Villiage, but the report on her desk had to be someone deciding to recycle all the clippings from old intelligence reports. She had meet the young blond and even talked to him. This was too much for even the legendary kage bushin master that Naruto was to contemplate let alone do.
She looked at the eyes of her intelligence chief. He had long ago acted as her mentor, but now she was the one making the decisions.
"Tell me that this is some kind of joke."
The cripple old jonin slowly shook his head.
"I personally made sure that my agents were not huffing smoke or hitting the bottle. Two recently promoted chunin did all this."
"Nani (What)! Two rookie chunin…what the hell is Leaf doing to train its ninja force. More importantly how do we get our ninja forces to catch up to their level of skill. Tell me what happened."
"The Leaf Village is preparing for something.
"According to hospital records, just about every konichi of child bearing age is expecting. In twelve years, they will have doubled the pool of potential ninja. Morino Ibiki and Anko Umino, formerly Orochimaru apprentice, got sixty-seven pre-teen Hyūga girls, barely academy students the bloody lot, to train under him as field interrogators. Dozens of pre-teen Hyūga girls lined around the block buying weapons from the shop of Tenten Hyūga, formerly Tenten no Kajiya (the blacksmith), a semi-retired chunin with a reputation for being a weapons mistress and a master weapon-smith. We have also found out that Leaf dispatched a newly promoted jonin, named Naruto Uzumaki, and an experienced ANBU commander. Their orders are to hunt down and capture the two chunin responsible. I do not have the name of the ANBU…just the codename. It's Owl."
Mei silently contemplated the news with her usual smile as she processed the information.
Note one – Make cyanide-teeth mandatory issue for all mizugakure-nin. The ninja world breathed a sigh of relief when the Hyūga were no longer in the interrogation business. Now the Hyūga girls would be back with their cat-o-nine tails. The Yamanaka were mind readers. Ibiki could mess with your mind. Anko could keep you hurting for quite a while. A Hyūga could break a ninja, get them to spill their most intimate secrets, and twist the most loyal nin into servants loyal to their Hyūga mistresses.
Note two – Start a ninja breeding program. In thirteen years, Konoha would have a rookie genin pool that would outnumber most hidden villages' total ninja forces. Konoha has quality and would soon have quantity. As a former Iwa-jonin once commented "Quantity had a quality all its own."
Note three – Konohagakure ANBU ninja were among the best ninja in the world and worst yet known for having the best team work ethic in the ninja world. Itachi Uchiha was an ANBU captain, codenamed Weasel, before slaughtering his powerful blood-lined clan in a single night. Kakashi, the Copy-Cat nin was an ANBU captain, codenamed Inu (dog) before taking on a genin team with the neo-sennin Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Uzumaki.
However, there were four ANBU feared above all. Kitsune (fox), Ryu (dragon), Hebi (snake) and Owl. No one had seen Kitsune in a generation since Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage, sealed the Kyuubi no Kitsune into one Naruto Uzumaki. Ryu and Hebi were semi-retired, but known for being able to kill anyone. Twice, Ryu had snuck into the residences a dynamo (warlord's) and painted warnings on the sleeping dynamo's face as a message to cease and desist all activities against the Leaf Village. Hebi has slain seventy highly protected targets and left only the shed skins of a snake.
However, Owl was the most feared. The only name more fear was that of the 4th Hokage, Minato Namikaze.
Kumo nin would tell their children that if they did not behave that the Owl would get them. Heads of Kumo nin routinely would be delivered along with a single owl feather via messenger -nin from all over the world. Every Halloween, the ninja of Kumo would huddle around the campfire and tell Owl stories and jokes about how he kicked a horse in the head and now all its descendants are giraffes. Rumor was that Owl was the spymaster of Konoha and there were no secrets with the Owl around.
Mei remembered using dogs to hunt wild pigs as a youth. They worked in teams. Tracking dogs and chase dogs. The tracking dog would locate the boar and then the chase dogs would bring the boar down. Owl was the tracking dog and Uzumaki was the chase dog. These two would not be used to hunt an ordinary missing nin. Only an S-ranked nin warrented the attention of Konoha's elite nin. Konoha was risking its two most important ninja on this mission.
"What were the names of the chunin?"
Kirigakure no sato's spymaster looked in his notes.
"Sarutobi Konohamaru and Hyūga Hanabi."
Mei thought through her options. She had reports from the last chunin examination.
Everyone, even civilians, knew about the Hyūga clan. Since the death of Hyūga clan leader Haishi Hyūga, his brother and successor, Hizashi Hyūga, had been plotting something terrible (As far as the world outside Konoha knows, Haishi committed seppuku, not Hizashi. Konoha did not brag about the switch and Kumo did not want the world to know they got played into getting the wrong corpse). Kumo swore when their best ninja just disappeared without a trace, it was the work of Hizashi Hyūga. The village of Kumo was holding its breath waiting for the Hyūga clan to exact its revenge for the death of its clan head. The Hyūga married off Haishi's first born daughter to Uzumaki Naruto, the carrier of the nine-tailed fox demon that successfully faced down Pein and his merry band of S- and double-S-classed missing nin. Mei knew that the young jonin would probably succeed Tsunade Senju as the hokage.
However, the only thing she knew of the Sarutobi family were the fact that the third Hokage was a Sarutobi and that Konohamaru only male left in the family. The family did not have a bloodline per say, but had a relatively large chakra reserve, access to thousands of techniques, and the ability to apply jutsu in imaginative ways. The family had to have thousands of ninjutsu in its possession and worse yet, seemed to pull out dozens more with every generation.
To have those two working for her would ensure that the Mist would once again be able to stand up to any village.
"We will not interfere with the hunt…yet. Our official stance is that this dispute is an internal matter of the Leaf Village. However, if the two decided to seek asylum from our village…just maybe we can regain some new blood to strengthen our village. Hyūga that can throw over a thousand jutsu…That would be quit a boost. Let them know that they have a friend and a place to stay in Kirigakure if they want one."
Mei could count the number of bloodlines in the Mist Village using one hand. The first was the one that she hid from the world for so many years – the Futton and Youton Creation.
The second bloodline was the one that Zabuza had, the Water-Whisker. It was a subtle bloodline, giving the member an affinity for water jutsu and using the water in the air to feel charka in the environment around them like a cat's whiskers feeling around in the dark. Everyone thought that it was his ears that allowed him to hunt. However, even if Zabuza went deaf and blind, he could hunt you anywhere there was the slightest bit of moisture. It made his silent killing technique almost unstoppable. Now it resided with Mei's daughter, Nene, along with the Futton and Youton creation.
The third was the Hyouton (Ice release) bloodline. The last master of the bloodline perished with the death of Zabuza protégé Haku. Now, it was held by two orphans recently found wandering in the countryside.
The fourth bloodline belonged to Ranmaru who now worked at the Curry of Life shop.
The fifth bloodline was the ultimate secret of the Hidden Mist.
The previous Mizukage Yagura was not killed like many thought. Instead an ancient ritual was performed to force him to reincarnate in order to preserve the tailed beast that lived inside of him. Kami has punished him by making him into what he hated the most…a little girl with a bloodline and more confidence issues than a certain, lavender-eyed, constantly-fainting Hyūga female at the height of her terminal shyness. Maiko had the ability to pass her body through solid objects including living things. It would be a very effective technique in the hands of a ninja, but for now, the little girl used it to hide from all but a small handful of people.
Mei contemplated her options. At best, she would have a new bloodline and hundreds of jutsu for her forces to use. At worse, Konohagakure would be a weakened position for a while. While the current leadership of Konohagakure was relatively peaceful, Danzo Shiuma, the former head of the Root Anbu, was proof that there were elements of Konohagakure's ruling council with imperialistic impulses. Even with the former head of Root ANBU being locked up in a mental ward fearing anal rape by Orochimaru, Barney the Purple pedophile dinosaur, Michael Jackson, and some gender-confused, purse-carrying Teletuby did not mean that his followers did not still have an agenda to subjugate the rest of the world.
Mei did not survive purges and suffer through the rebuilding efforts to see her village a vassal for the Leaf or any other village.
Mei looked at the stack of papers imagining Zabuza storming in, chopping the stack and desk in twain, and then using the water whisker to tickle her in that very sensitive spot that most other guys seem to miss. Damn it – what does a konoichi have to do get a well-hung lover with a lot of endurance?
Back in Konoha
It was a good week, it was a bad week. Kiba looked at Akamaru in disgust.
"Motherfucker…" Akamaru muttered at his human partner.
"Grandmother fucker…"
"At least I got to shelp my grandma, kibble. Your grandma smacked you upside your stupid head with her walker because you could not get it up one more time after you became a mofo."
"You just had to screw the triplets."
"You just had to knock up your momma, yo' sister, and half your cousins too."
Kiba and Akamaru went from being studs of the Inuzuka Clan to being banished from the doghouse…literally to wonder if the talk of castrating the pair was ever gonna die down. The bitches, correction – the females of the clan, drank some funny water (a lazy hospital intern dropped the excess fertility pills in the nearest stream – up stream from the Inuzuka Clan's property instead of properly disposing of them). The attack of the feral cats terrified the other potential males away. Kiba and his longtime ninkin, Akamaru, happened to walk in from a two month A-ranked mission hunting down a rouge ninja, just when all the females in the Inuzuka clan, both human and canine, went into heat and needed an 'alpha male' to sate their urges.
In a clan where everyone know exactly when the females would go into heat and planned for it…this unplanned heat complicated things…a little bit. Instead of ensuring some level of genetic diversity, one man and his nin-kin banged every ready female in the clan. He almost died, but soldier pills mixed with vitamins (Extra strength Viagra) ensured that that pair earned their stud [mother-sister-cousin-aunt- f*cker badges.
That moment was the stuff of every male's, human and canine, fantasy. Inuzuka females were wild in bed and every older female was certified USDA-prime-grade MILF or GILF.
All their lives, the pair dreamt of being the alpha. Now they wished that they got their balls cut a long time ago. In two and a half months, Akamaru would have to deal with over two dozen whelping bitches. In seven more, Kiba would have to deal with several pregnant females delivering his pups. Worst yet, pregnant Inuzuka females were constantly horny and it was alpha's job to sate the hormone fortified sex-drives of the females.
As a pup, Kiba wondered why his father ran towards the Kyuubi wearing nothing more than a loincloth and carrying a rusty dagger laughing maniacally about being free. Now, he was wondering if Naruto could let the Kyuubi out for a return engagement. Facing a PMSing nine-tail demon fox seems such a paradise compared to the fate awaiting the pair.
The pair looked at one another and muttered…
"Being an alpha male is so…troublesome."
It was time to refill the ice bags they had placed next to their sore balls.
In the distant, one could hear Shikamaru sneeze. The Nara made a mental note to copyright the Nara clan's infamous catch-phrase phrase, but then decided that filling out a one page form and paying 75-ryo to get the trademark on the phrase was too…troublesome.
Akamaru looked at Kiba, "Look on the bright side of life - At least we did not end up like Kakashi."
Getting your balls ripped off with a sledge hammer and a board with a rusty nail or even marrying that Haruno girl was a paradise versus something so evil that even Orochomaru would awe at the twisted minds that made up Kakashi's prank.
The pair quickly changed the topic. Even thinking about it hurt.
The Docks
Hanabi looked with distain on the outfit that Konohamaru picked out for her. Burlap rags with a smelly cloth to cover her eyes.
"There is no way in hell I will be caught dead in those rags," she announced with the traditional Hyūga distain for dirt. The only thing missing was the 'Hn' that the Uchia clan perfected, but no Hyūga would be caught dead to offer the world a change to confuse them for the justu-thief clan.
Konohamaru looked at the mother of his upcoming child.
"This is the Bloody Mist…where they use to slay those with bloodlines. One look at your eyes and you will be…"
"Can you at least get me a clean rag?" she whined.
Konohamaru had enough. He had risked everything for this…no amount of sex was worth the whining. He lost his temper and snapped at the girl who damned him to an eternity of doom which made the deepest recesses of Hell look like paradise.
"Look princess. Your daddy wants me dead or worse an effing…I mean a non-effing eunuch. I am not waiting for daddy to cut off my balls. If you want to come with me, you will stop acting like daddy's little bitch and grow a pair.
"Little bitch…I will show you little bitch. I will…"
It was as if someone flipped a mood switch inside Hanabi's head. Anger becomes sorrow. Some little imp turned off the Ice Princess setting into something so dreaded…so feared by many a married male. Someone flipped the rarely used Hyūga emotional meltdown switch. With most females, mood swings do not kick in so early in pregnancy. With the Hyūga, mood swings on the part of females were a way of life…so perfected that an actress on a Spanish-language telenovia would be awed to know that someone can out drama them while flipping from nice to uberbitch in 0.01-nanoseconds.
"You don't love me anymore…I…loved you. I…loved you and you…" sniff "don't love me anymore. It's over…my life is over. Please…"
Hanabi reached for a kunai she hid under her smock. It was time to bid this cruel world goodbye.
Konohamaru quickly grabbed it and twisted it out of her hand.
Hanabi collapsed on her knees brawling, "I'm nothing more than some worthless slut. I am not worthy to have your child, please let me end it."
"Hanabi…stop it."
But Hanabi was not listening. This was her chance to act out in all the school plays she was never allowed to perform in because acting was below the dignity of the Hyūga clan. Now she was taking advantage of her one opportunity to brawl out against the injustices of the world by dramatically ranting.
"I am sorry that I placed itching powder in Iruka-sensei's spare set of clothing. I am sorry that I snuck out to play by the waterfall. I am sorry that I let Hinata-nee-chan take the blame for ripping mom's wedding kimono. I am sorry that I stole Sakura-chan's Yaoi-Yaoi: EastTown Construction Boyz Yaoi Battle for the Golden Dong and the Westside Fireman Firehose Circle Jerk Competition limited edition with the scented lubes and anal beads. I am sorry for spreading the rumor that Nori wore dirty underwear. I am sorry that I told Tanaka that he had to buy pubic hair and glue it to his sorry excuse for a ball sack before he could become a man. I am sorry that I put laxatives in the water cooler in the instructors' break room. I am sorry that I cheated on every exam in the academy by spying on Iruka-sensei's answer key hidden in his desk. I am sorry that I tripped you when you were running away from Iruka-sensei after you used the oiroke no jutsu on the exam."
The list of 'I am so sorries' went on and on like a really bad British (worse than Istar or Gigli bad) comedy skit stuck on a loop feed. Hanabi was confessing to acts so devious that Konohamaru was shocked that the Hyūga princess was a fellow prankster. He thought that Udon and Moegi did it all. If his kid inherited his pranking abilities from…
Holy shit, gods above and demons below…
Konohamaru did not know whether to be proud or terribly afraid of the next generation of prank gods growing inside his girlfriend's womb. If he survived, he would have to be ready for an entire village knocking down his door to pay damages. The Sarutobi Clan would soon be poorer than the Akemchi clan and that took a lot since the Akemchi clan paid the food bills for several couple dozen competitive eaters. If his favorite appendage was not at stake, it might be better to let her father kill him.
"Please, let me end this. I am not supposed to cry, damn it. I am a Hyūga and Hyūga's don't cry."
Hanabi was letting out the waterworks. Inside her body, her tear ducts, never used before where now letting go tears that could fuel a flood of Biblical proportions.
"I am worthless as a Hyūga. They are so perfect. They can do no wrong. They just are. I just wanted to be free. I just wanted to be able to play in the water without someone saying how disgraceful it was to act like a peasant."
Konohamaru tried to quiet the girl before she would attract an audience. Nevertheless, the more he tried to comfort her the more she cried. In the academy, if he got the Hyūga ice princess to cry in public, the boys would have given a hundred thousand man-points. Now, all that he felt was that the goddess of fortune was deliberately turning him into an utter ass.
He had heard about the mood swings, but this was a sign that he was doomed to be the life partner of Hormonzilla, the Bearer of Estrogen, the madam of killer mood swings, and the Fifth Rider of the Apocalypse so feared that the Four Horsemen ride away in fear of her and the infamous 'Honey-do list.' He was dealing with the one thing that even the Kyuubi no Kitsune was deathly afraid of…hell even Chuck Norris-sama would get his ass whooped by Hormonzilla. It was barely a week and here she was breaking down…
Kami hated him…he knew it.
The ANBU Psych Ward
Among the ANBU of Konohagakure, sanity was a luxury. The stress of life and death missions had cause many of Konoha's best to snap and be sent to the padded walls of the ANBU Psych Ward. In fact there was a betting pool on the life expectancy and sanity of just about every ANBU member. With Konohamaru's prank run, the life expectancy of Kakashi's sanity was expired like the milk in Naruto's old fridge.
Kakashi was humming a tuneless melody. He would be rocking himself to sleep in the corner of his padded room if it was not for all the restraints.
Inochi looked thought the observation window at his latest patient and shuddered. He really did not want to walk into this mind. However, all other therapies were failing. Kakashi had a 1,000 techniques locked up in that mind. Kakashi had to be sane enough to at least write down all the jutsu he stole before being locked up forever in Happy land, a place where happy ninja were sent to counselors who told them that there were no green men out to castrate them. A mind that once could find refuge in Icha Icha was now ultimately shattered by images of Yaoi Yaoi Hentai-mania.
It was time to go in and face Kakashi's demons.
Inochi decided that he was going to take it slow with this case. Not only would mind-walking inside this mind be as dangerous as walking up to the Kyuubi and kicking it where it hurts, but to work quickly meant a lack of billable hours for the semi-retired jonin turn head-shrink. With his little girl getting knocked up with twins, and wanting that big wedding, Inochi need every ryo he could beg, borrow, or steal.
If Inochi played his cards right, Kakashi would be worth a million, maybe a million five ryo in billable hours. With his daughter's engagement, Inochi needed all the cash he could get to pay for the wedding.
Inochi unconsciously flexed his hands into a position similar to that of a Nara in deep thought. Years of hanging out with the laziest man in the world does rub off.
"Let us start with word association…I will start will something safe…Bunny."
Kakashi shuddered and attempted scuttled backwards to the wall yelling, "You are not getting your sausage between my buns. You are one of them!"
Inochi took in a deep breath. Every word and phrase Kakashi muttered convinced Inochi that he was going to get more billable hours. Kakashi was going to be a head pshrink's wet dream and secure Inochi's retirement.
He calmly replied, "I meant a rabbit, not buns."
"You want to screw me like a rabbit. You said buns. You are all the same. Gai…Obito…you all are fanboys."
"Let's talk about these…fanboys."
"Noooo!" Kakashi yelled. "For the love of all that is pure and holy…please…no…oh my god…"
Kakashi mentally went deeper into the 'rabbit hole' and cried.
"Can you share…"
Kakashi hummed a tune without a melody.
"I did not drop the soap…why are you touching me down there. I don't feel well…Please Obito…don't Rin…not you too. Kami Rin…you're a futari-hime! Don't futa my ass. I don't swing that way. No way in hell I would let you futa my ass. Please for the love of God…Please have mercy. Not…not up their. My…I can't I can't be gay. Please…I promise to read Icha Icha…don't let me go gay. Obito…noooo…not you too Minato-sensei…not the 100-years of pain…Please kami…please don't let me become gay…please. I read Icha Icha everyday, I do not want to be gay. Oh kami, please don't let me enjoy it. Orochimaru, you said that it will be our little secret."
It was clear that Kakashi was reliving repressed memories that Inochi decided that he would never report to the Hokage. He did not want to mind dive and see…Inochi was a straight man, but as a ninja saw some freaky stuff. It was better to be trapped in the mind of one of Anko 'guests' than to risk being scared by some memories of dropped soap and your number one fan boy-girls-beings of indeterminate gender to be more hung than your typical male porn star.
The orphanage
Maiko looked out the window at rain. The room was an old boarded up room that was rumored to be haunted by a young girl who fell to her death over a century ago.
The ghost of the little girl was not so bad once you got to know her. They both understood one another. Hell was being lonely while surrounded by a sea of faces. After a few times trying to scare Maiko away from the boarded up room, the ghost simply let Maiko hang around the haunted room. The ghost understood her in a way that the other kids never would. The other kids called her a freak. They would grab and pull her hair, hide her stuffed, pink killer whale, and do other things to make her life a living hell.
The sealed off room was the only place that she felt safe. Even though it was lonely with only a ghost for company.
Maiko closed her eyes, hugged her stuff toy, and rocked herself in a futile attempt to fail asleep.
Why?
No one ever told her why. They did not even tell her who her parents were. She could see the lie in the faces of the staff when the staff told her that her parents gave her away so she would have a better future. Last year, a funny smelling man told her he would love her and adopt her if she would be his special little girl. However, once she did everything a special little girl did no matter how much it feel weird, he left her alone as he picked up another special girl.
It was a lie…Adults always lie. Even Mei-sama lies. No one will love me…No one.
Once a week the other kids were cleaned up and presented in hopes that someone would adopt them. Older kids would be allowed to go out and seek a master to learn a trade.
However, they put her in a room and told her to sit and play with her stuffed, pink, killer whale. They told her that she was being saved for a special purpose. They told her that one day she would be a ninja, as great as any of the seven swordsmen.
There was no future in being one of the bloodline freaks. No one wanted some bloodline bitch in their family. Not even the other child lovers would have anything to do with her. Even the few bloodline families that emerge out of the shadows with the rise of the new mizukage did not want her. Kids called her a monster, a killer, a demon. The priest in charge of the orphanage would call her a demon's whore's get.
She hated the tears. She sniffed trying to hold them back as she hugged her stuffed pink whale.
No one wants me…it's better that I simply go away. Then they do not have to worry about getting a blood-limit from my cooties.
Maiko looked at her meager possessions. She had one gray smock, a threadbare blanket, tatami sandals on the verge of falling apart, her stuffed pink killer whale looking worried at the stuffing leaking out of it, a small roll of bubble wrap, and her jacket.
She looked out the window one last time, before relaxing and sliding through the walls. She looked at the ghost one more time.
"It's okay. You can always come with me, Nene."
Thus a ghost and a little girl left the orphanage behind and went to see the world.
The market
Konohamaru suppressed a groan. It had taken the promise of extensive retail therapy to get Hanabi out of her funk.
It did not matter that Hanabi Hyūga was a unathorized Konohagakure chunin hiding out in Mizugakure. Hanabi was a female first. As any male can attest – females are genetically wired to go shopping. Stress, no stress, happy, sad – females had this compulsion to shop, especially when they are spending someone else's money. The worst part was that Hanabi was a Hyūga and Hyūgas had to be the pickiest shoppers on the planet.
Since Hanabi was pretending to be blind, he had to hover over her and act as her seeing-eye dog. Now, Konohamaru was starting to feel sorry for the poor guide dogs that the Inuzuka Clan gave to ninja blinded in the course of their duties. He looked at the iron plates used to secure the wooden beams of the market stalls and fantasized about repeatedly sticking his head unto an operating meat grinder to just to dull the pain.
Something was not right. His ninja senses were going off like there was a collection of S-ranks nuke-nin were after his head. He could feel the presence of the 'Boss' and Evil Daddy aka the pee-pee amputation-expert Haishi Hyūga coming after him from the direction of Wave. Nevertheless, there was something else. Something that made him felt cold and sent silvers up and down his spine.
He looked at the girl whose father wanted him dead shop as if they had all the time in the universe.
Hurry up and just buy it, princess. Daddy is after us and if we do not move, no more rides on mí Pedro! I love mí Pedro.
There was someone watching him. He knew it. However, he could not react. Hanabi and he were illegally in another ninja village. If they were caught, interrogation would only be the start. They would probably keep Hanabi alive as she had a valuable bloodline that could be used for breeding or ransomed back to the Hyūga clan for a fortune. However, they would ship him to the kage in charge of Iwa to answer for pissing in the sake or worst, sent him wrapped in a pretty pink ribbon to the hokage for pissing in her sake. Iwa would simply torture him and let him die. Tsunade would work him over, heal him, and get back to using him as a training dummy. That idea to piss in the Hokage's sake no longer seem such a good idea anymore. It was time to get a move on before Castration walked into town and repossessed Konohamaru's third leg.
Hurry up Hanabi…We have to get moving.
Hanabi carefully felt the weave on both fabrics. She turned towards him and asked, "Does this make me look fat?"
No, no, no, no, no!
Why do females insist on asking their boyfriends that question? There is no acceptable answer. It is safer to get between the Akemchi clan and the all-you-can-eat buffet at a four star barbeque. It is safer to get between a starving pack of Inuzuka nin-dogs and a medium-rare Porterhouse steak. It is safer to challenge Rock Lee and Maito Gai to a contest of youth while standing between them.
Konohamaru cleared his throat and thought of the appropriate words.
What did grandpa use to say to grandma…
"Honey, it makes you look beautiful."
Konohamaru forgot the fact that his grandfathered feared two things – Paperwork multiplying like bunnies and Grandma when she was angry. Living without having a ticked-off wife was a futile quest. Even grandpa, the professor, could never find a satisfactory answer to the dreaded question. All grandpa could do was perfect the 'Run like a cat with a pack of hungry dogs on your ass no jutsu' and set new land-speed records.
The response was not pretty. Konohamaru would forever wonder how Hanabi learned Iruka-sensei's Demon head no jutsu.
"What am I to you…some ugly slut you got drunk and knocked up? If I am some freak to you…just tell me. I and my baby will be out of your life forever. I gave you my virginity, am carrying your bastard, and you call me ugly. How many cups of sake did you need before you could even stand the sight of me? I hope that you are happy because when I am done with you, my father will be lucky to pick up your corpse with a sponge and microscope!"
"But..but…honey."
There were no buts about it. Hanabi was working herself into a fit. Her head grew to demonic proportions that would even awe Iruka-sensei. Her voice was approaching the volume normally reserved for the pink-haired harpies from the Haruno clan. Her face turned so red with anger that even experienced jonin were evacuating the market as they could with no attempt to save their dignity. Her killing intent silenced the entire marketplace. It seemed that a tailed beast was coming into Kumo and she was pissed.
She was so angry that she sent all her chakra to her fist as she punched him. It was not a classic Hyūga strike, but rather a blow more commonly associated with a drunken sennin known for sending perverts into orbit or a certain pink-haired medic-nin thumping the head of a certain blond ninja sporting whiskers. Konohamaru flew through five stalls before slamming into a brick wall. If it was not a tripled reinforced brick wall of the local police station, he would have flown through it.
There was silence as heads peeked out waiting to see if it was safe to shop again. Even the local police found something else more exciting in the coffee stained reports on their desk than the broken body of a boy who was stuck with hormonzilla, the estrogen queen.
Paper cuts hurt. Hormonzilla set the standard of the concept of eternal damnation.
After a minute, a brave soul extended his hand toward the unfortunate father to be.
"Dude, what is her boggle?"
"She asked me, 'Do I look good in this?'" Konohamaru moaned.
The helpful soul shook his head in sympathy, "There is no good answer to that question, dude. Does she have a sister?"
"Married."
"Does her sister beat down her brother-in-law.?"
Konohamaru thought for a minute before answering, "Not directly, but…yep…he is whipped."
"That should have been your warning. I hope the sex was good because the pain is sooooo not worth it. I would say that I feel your pain, bro, but it would be a lie."
"Thanks."
"Just watch out. When they pull out their husband tamer, it's game over. Might as well lube up, relax, and cough twice because it's gonna hurt."
"It's already game over. I should just let her daddy kill me."
"Nope, daddy will take one look, laugh, and let you suffer for the rest of your life. He ain't letting you off so easy."
Konohamaru groaned out in thanks before passing out wondering what is worse…castration or dealing with hormonzilla for the rest of his life.
If Konohamaru were still conscious, he would have felt the god of dooms coming down to rain down more doom on his already doomed soul.
The ghosts of the Sarutobi clan shuddered in sympathy at the hell that the only living Sarutobi male will have to endure. There was one collective thought among the ghost of Konohamaru's male ancestors – Why oh why did you have to knock-up a Hyūga? At least with a Haruno, the worst thing that will happen is that you will eventually go deaf from all the screaming, a coma from getting whacked on the head, and your soul sucked dry by a banshee. With a Hyūga, you got to spend eternity with a devout follower of the goddess of husband beating.
Generations of Sarutobi males wept at the fact that their last was fated to be a Hyūga whipping boy.
Nearby…
Sneaking out of the orphanage was easy when no one really cared about you.
Maiko looked at the blind girl who knocked out her boyfriend and cleared out the market. The four-year-old thought really hard about her options. Sure she was not yet six. However, she was smart enough to know that she needed someone older to cook and clean for her at least until she was eight and got to go to Mina-sensei's housekeeping class. They were not as big at those lying adults but big enough to protect her. The orphanage would not let adults see her during adoption day. However, maybe if she could get that lady who just beat up the man to adopt her, the orphanage staff could not stop her from having a mommy or a least an older sister. If she could become the little sister to that girl, then no one would steal her toy or pull her hair or risk getting the beat down. If she could get that lady to want her, if anyone said no, that lady would beat the stuffing out of the lady who ran the orphanage like she did that rude boy. It was perfect. Maiko would have a sister and that blind girl would be it.
Maiko knew that if she approached now, they could say no. However, if she followed them long enough, she could…maybe…definitely…
This was her only chance. Maiko hated waiting, but four years at the orphanage taught her that waiting allows you to pull the best pranks. But first, Maiko was on a mission…a mission from the gods…steal all the bubble wrap she can before she follows the pair out of town.
Anko had her dango.
Naruto had ramen.
Maiko had bubble wrap. Sure you could not eat it…normally, but that is what they said about licking the peeling lead-based paint on the walls or drinking the sweet syrup from the bottles with the skulls and bones under the kitchen sink. Maiko managed to enjoy all three activities, but lived solely for popping the bubbles in bubble wrap.
Maiko pulled out a small one foot square piece. She pushed a bubble. It swelled with the anticipation within her until the all too familiar sound of happiness. The bubble popped. A small giggle snuck out into the air.
It was time to pop the next bubble.
Maiko danced and sang the "I'm a bubble girl song" as she picked the next bubble to be popped.
Back in Wave with Big Daddy and Ramen Boy
Hyūga Haishi was not known for losing his composure in public.
When the Kyuubi no Kitsune came to Konoha raining hellfire and brimstone, he merely ordered his clan to evacuate the civilians and go into the shelter. Then, he walked to towards the Kyuubi no Kitsune calmly muttering about rubbing the nine-tailed fox's nose in his own shit. He considered being surrounded by two dozen Kumo jonin-level nin with the intent to harvest his eyes as the prelude to a light warm up stretch. Hell, he even walked up to an angry, charging bull and knocked it out without the use of the jyuuken.
Haishi was the only jonin other than Kushina Uzumaki that was brave enough to risk the wrath of the fourth hokage (The only nin to have a standing flee on sight order in the bingo book) by pulling Minato Namikaze from the ramen stand and dragging the fourth kicking and screaming to council meetings. No matter what the problem was, Haishi not only solved it but solved it without mussing his hair, getting his kimono dirty, or compromising the Hyūga reputation for cool, aloof, and not one hair out of place dignity.
Even Chuck Norris-san looked at Haishi as a model of what a man should be and Death once almost had a Chuck Norris experience. The only reason that Haishi could not figure out a way to save his brother from seppuku was that that his twin brother, a fellow bad-ass, knocked him out with a steel bridge girder until the deed was complete.
Today, Haishi was anything but composed. It took four and a half decades of practicing the legendary Hyuga version of self control to not rip off his ANBU mask and let loose with the Hyūga clans ultimate kinjutsu…the Hyūga summons…Summon Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee to end this universe.
Not only was he given a bill to replace a dozen cases of the world's most expensive sake, but also found out that his son in law, Naruto was sitting on a gold mind and did not see the opportunity. Haishi Hyūga's finely tuned merchant-senses were tingling. Hyūga's did not need the all seeing eyes to spot a money making opportunity.
If he had know that his son-in-law had inherited the formula of the legendary onikoroshi sake from Kushina Uzumaki…He would have had ordered Hinata to get knocked up by his idiotic, orange-wearing son-in-law while she was still in the academy. Hell, he would order Hinata to give him several dozen grandchildren even if it meant fornicating in public. Hell, the elders would have offered the Uzumaki-brat both his daughters…Hitomi's will be damn. The rights, if properly managed, to produce the famed Uzu sake was worth billions, if not trillions of ryo. The Hyūga could have the world's largest brewing empire. But nooooooo!
Haishi made a mental note to have a conversation with Naruto about any other secrets locked inside that thick skull of his.
While Hinata and her kids were technically and legally members of the Uzumaki-Namikaze Clan - In Haishi's mind, they were Hyūgas, with just a different legal name. His ancestors did not spend generations climbing out of some brothel, conquering Wave, surviving being on top of the Uchiha hit-list, almost wiped out, conning the Senju Clan, and becoming the wealthiest family in the world, to see his daughter marry a pauper. He did not want to see his grandkids raised in poverty should Naruto's legendary luck run out. The insurance companies had a ninja-clause that did not cover ninja when they took B, A, and S class missions. With Naruto's reputation, all he was doing was S class missions.
At least with the money from the Namikaze estate, Jaraiya-sensei's books, and being legitimized as Tsunade's grandson, Naruto had enough to make sure that Hinata and any grandchildren would be comfortable. However, Hyūga's never slacked when it came to making money. More than once, the Hyūga endured financial ruin and by hard work, the clan surmounted the odds and took back their wealth with excessive interest. With the formula for Uzu's legendary Oninokiroshi sake, the Hyūga could buy, sell, and trade dynamos.
The Hyūga did not seek to become kage's. They merely settled for owning the dynamos that hired the hidden villiages to do their dirty deeds.
For Hinata, it worked out better than Haishi planned. Hinata was smart enough to pick the right material for a husband. Lots of endurance, high pain tolerance, easy to wrap around her finger, able to take the random abuse that even a gentle Hyūga girl, like Hinata instinctively inflicts on her lover, and rich. Hanabi…Haishi thought, would be smart enough to take control in her relationship. However, looking at the note she left…
She is keeping that baka like some sucker picks up a stray mongrel mutt.
In one millisecond, Hanabi threw out generations of Hyūga tradition and is following the will of a husband.
Nowhere in the Book of Hyūga Law does it say, "Woman, follow the will of thy idiot husband." The Book of Hyūga Law stated, "A whipping or three a day keeps impotency at bay," or "Pepper and spice makes that burning oh so nice." Hell the book described how to perfectly mix the brine and hot pepper oil to create the paste that not only kept infection at bay, but gave the unlucky husband that burning sensation of love – The burning sensation that even Maito Gai would readily admit burned hotter than the flames of youth.
Haishi had willingly suffered for Hitomi. She loved whipping him in her sleep in between his endurance training sessions. He was the über-tantric master because Hitomi loved him enough to give him the discipline needed to perform for his Hyūga goddess. Even now, Haishi could go a week without sleep. Now, some Sarutobi-brat is getting Hyūga poontang without receiving a daily beat down with the cat-o-nine tails. Blasphamy…blasphemy…the type of blasphemy that would get one reincarnated as some single-celled organism.
Konohamaru had blasphemed against the ways of the Hyūga.
He had yet to kiss the whip before handing it to his better and ask for more training. Konohamaru did not love his daughter. Love was accepting all the punishment that Hanabi would inflict out of love. Love was begging his better half for more discipline. Love was subjugating your identity as a person and accepting that you only existed to accept her love and lashes. Konohamaru was not worthy to get his balls stepped on by a five-hundred pound walrus wearing high heels let alone share his DNA with Hanabi.
That asshole...That no good son of a bitch who would fuck a man from behind and not even give an uke the courtesy of a reach around. Not only did he violate MY DAUGHTER and knock her up...he had the gall to brainwash her not to subject him to husband training. My wife will beat the crap out of me for letting this happen. I am so going to give Konohamaru an old school Hyūga interrogation that will scare the hell out of Ibiki and Anko. By the time I am done, he will not even try to beg for death because he will KNOW that death is so far too good for a cockroach like him.
It had been a century since the Hyūga were allowed in the interrogation business. The Hyūga were good…so good that the treaty between the Senju and Uchiha clans specifically forbid the use of Hyūga as interrogators for the Senju clan. The women of the Hyūga clan had developed a reputation for breaking the will of others and turning them into fanatical worshipers who would die for their mistresses. For generations the Hyūga were a matriarchic clan where young females would capture, enslave, and break the wills of at least four strong males before being allowed to breed.
The ancient Hyūga motto was "Pain created hate which in turn becomes love – because we only truly hurt the ones we love!" This motto would be the central concept behind the traditional Hyūga husband training program.
When it was time to have a child, the males would fight to the death and only the strongest would be allow to breed and raise the girls, before being broken and killed by their own daughters as a training session of what to do to husbands. Boys, for generations, were killed until the wars with the Uchiha clan depleted the numbers and the females had to keep the male children to preserve the bloodline. Generations of selective breeding ensured that the girls of the Hyūga clan were naturals at breaking the will of and converting the loyalty of the most fanatical agent - Even though now those skills were only used to break the wills of their boyfriends and husbands.
The Hyūga clan tend to intermarry – not because "Incest is best," but the fact that three dozen generations of selective breeding created the Hyūga male - a well endowed male with a high pain threshold, quick recovery times, a healing ability that is only dwarfed by Naruto's, lots of endurance, very dexterous and lengthy tongues that were only drawfed by Orochimaru and his illegitimate daughter, Anko, and the ability to survive the traditional Hyūga husband training program. The clan did make sure that marriages where more of the 'my cousin six-generations removed brother-in-laws step-sister's second-cousin's niece' rather than the brother-sister type depicted in incest ficts.
The few times that someone married into the family either ended with a corpse or a husband that was one step form being committed to the ninja mental ward because they were unable to endure the mental strain of 'a little love' from their wives. Toss in the fact that many Hyūga females were active swingers, a man not only had to survive his wife, but his sister in law, mother in law, cousin, cousin sister, brother's wife, great aunts, and the other female in-laws…
There was a reason that many Hyūga males decide it is better to be gay and promptly shove a ten foot broomstick up his ass. This far too frequent act made the lives of straight Hyūga males more interesting since they had to service more Hyūga females. There was no worse curse among Hyūga males than to wish a harem on a fellow Hyūga man. Hyūga man law was explicitly clear about this point – Hyūga males are never to toss a foe into a harem of randy Hyūga females. The castration strike was kinder to a foe.
If it was not for the ancient Hyūga man code, Haishi would toss Konohamaru, tied-up, naked into the next Hyūga Karaoke and Swinger's Night. Let him feel the doom as three generations of Hyūga females tear into the new kid. The blood will flow as they show him what real Hyūga love is. Haishi could almost hear Konohamaru's pleas for mercy as some Hyūga grandmother with sagging tits would twist off the lad's ears commanding the lad to lick harder down there while Haishi's Great-Auntie Wu pulls out her cat-o-nine tails and scourges the impotency out of his hide.
If this kept on…Haishi would ignore the code and toss that little brat into the briar patch. Haishi's great aunt Wu lived for nothing more than breaking the will of some young stud. With the Hyūga tendency to have two girls for every boy…the little brat would be very busy for a while.
There will be justice…the kind that keeps on hurting and hurting and not the good kind of hurt, but the kind of hurt that will make the gods of hell cry out in pain and sympathy.
It was time to pick up the pace. Haishi knew the pair's next destination…the village hidden in the Mists. He would find the brat there, drag the pair back home, and toss the father of his grandchild to the Auntie Wu for 'reeducation.'
Fuck the Hyūga man code…
Auntie Wu is going to have a new boy toy for Christmas.
Here is a treat for my loyal readers – A deleted scene
Somewhere in the heavens
The Shinagami looked over at the rest of the gods that ran the universe and shuddered.
If I did not know better, it would look exactly like a bunch of little kids jostling over the last candy bar on earth.
The gods were climbing over one another to view the window to the earth. They were laughing their asses off as they laid down bets on just how far the god of misfortune would go before one Konohamaru would attempt to summon the Shinagami and the means by which the lad would do it.
The Shinagami was upset. By his calendar, the lad was long overdue for his final reckoning.
However, due to the size of the betting pool, the Shinagami was told to stand down until the lad attempted to off himself before collecting. The god of death looked at the hoard and examined the odds. He was the god of death…He could jimmy with the odds. It was time to go all in on the long shot.
The shinigami resisted the urge to smile.
"I bet that he will not only piss in each kage's sake cup and on the face of at least two kage, but also live to a hundred and three."
The other gods moaned. The shinigami was announcing that the fix was in. However, being retarded is being in the bottom quartile of your species with respect to intelligence. (If you need a translation of the above, please call yourself special) Even in a group of immortals, there were a couple retards.
The God of Lost Causes, God of Suckers (Tsunade's personal deity), and God of the Mentally Challenged felt lucky for the first time in a hundred thousand years and bet against the god of death.
The other gods looked at the Goddess of Pain. She was gloating. One by one, the gods started betting just how much abuse the kid would survive. The shinigami was awe by some of the ideas of how to maximize pain as the Goddess of Pain shook her head.
"The Hyūga are mine…my followers. That is an early morning kiss before the first sip of coffee."
The shinigami shook his head. There definitely where things worst than death…being married to the goddess of pain was second to the boy's fate of being hitch to the hormone bitch. He eyed his wife's face…the cat-o-nine tails was only the beginning tonight.
It was moments like this that the shinigami wondered why he was dumb enough to believe that sex with the goddess of pain would not hurt. He was not the first of his kind and his sire taught him that free sex was the most expensive sex in the universe. Two hundred thousand years later, he was still paying the price for that one night stand. There were moments he envied the god of celibacy and the patron saint of eunuchs.