Aleksandra

Somehow everyone ended up with me sitting in a little circle. I was leaning against the bookshelf with Claire on my left and Bender on my right. Both were leaning against pole across one another. My feet ended up lying on John's ankles. Andy sat across from me against the railing, on his left was Allison and his right was Brian. They didn't bother to talk to me about my little breakdown. So, somehow, we ended up asking each other random questions. Now it was Andy's turn to answer.

"What would I do for a million dollars?" he asked. "I guess, I'd-ah, go as little as I had to."

"That's boring," Claire said. Thank god she said it, I didn't want to.

"Well, how am I supposed to answer?" Andy asked her.

"The idea is to search your mind for the absolute limit." Claire explained rolling her eyes. "Like umm," she smirked. "Would you drive to school naked?" Oh, mental applause Claire!

Andy chuckled, slightly nervously. "Umm, ah-would I have to get out of the car?"

"Of course."

"In the spring or winter?"

"Doesn't matter," she paused. "Spring." NO! You should have picked winter!

"In the front of the school or the back of the school?"

"Either one."

Andy paused. "Yes."

Claire gave him a look before Allison broke the sudden silence. "I'd do that." she said. I rolled my eyes, and here comes the compulsive lying. "I'll do anything that's sexual and I don't need a million dollars to do it either."

Claire rolled her eyes. "Your lying."

"I already have," Allison said glancing at me. Oh, I won't rat her out. This lie I am willing to sit through. "I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal." She took a long pause. "I'm a nymphomaniac." I smirked. YES! That's what I was waiting for! Thank you Allison!

"Lier," Claire said.

Brian looked at Allison with his little virgin eyes. "Are your parents aware of this?" he asked cutely. Bender tapped my ankle making me look to his questioning eyes, I only smirked and motioned with my eyes to pay attention.

"The only person I told was my shrink," she paused. "And Alex."

I gave her a glare when she brought me into this. "What'd you do when she told you?" Andy asked me.

I shrugged. "Nozing really. Zhe vants to do zat zen fine, az long az zhe doezn't do anything zat can get her killed, zen I'm okay vith it." Alright, I actually didn't exactly lie to him. I really don't care what zhe doez, az long az it izn't dangerouz (being a nymphomaniac is dangerous with all the freaks out there).

"What'd your shrink do?" Andy asked Allison.

Allison smirked. "He nailed me."

There was a moment of silence before Claire rolled her eyes. "Very nice."

"I don't think that from a legal stand point what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him."

A look of disgust grew on Claire's face. "He's an adult."

"Ya," Allison nodded. "He's married too."

Claire made a disgusted noise. "Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?"

"Well the first few times-"

"First few times?! You mean he did it more than once?"

"Sure."

"Are you crazy?" Claire asked.

I chuckled. "I azk her zat on a daily baziz."

"Obviously, she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink." Brian said.

"Have you ever done it?" Allison asked. Oh god, not this subject AGAIN!

Claire paused before answering smartly, "I don't even have a psychiatrist."

"Have you ever done it with a normal person?"

Claire looked to to John and myself. "Wait, didn't we already cover this?"

"Neither of you answered the question." John said.

"Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers." Claire said. Thank you Claire! I really don't want to talk about that either.

"It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it?" Allison asked.

"A what?"

"Well if you say you haven't your a prude. If you say you have your a slut." Allison gave me a look telling me that she would never think about me that way. "It's a trap. You want to but you can and when you do you wish you didn't. Right?"

"Wrong," the Princess said.

"Or," Allison said adding in another edge to the sword. "Are you a tease?"

Andy spoke up. "She's a tease."

"Oh, sure, why don't you just forget it?"

"Oh your a tease and you know it, all girls are teases." Andy argued. Well, he's kind of right. Even when we don't know we're doing it, we're being a tease.

Bender spoke up. "She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot." He looked at me during that statement making me flush and try to move my legs off his only to have him grab them and pull them farther up onto his lap.

"I don't do anything!" Claire said in shock.

"That's why," Allison said with a large smile. "You're a tease."

"Okay," Claire said getting angry. "Let me ask you a few questions."

"I already told you everything."

"No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around with someone you don't even love? Don't you want any respect?" Okay, Claire what your saying will not help you in the long run.

"I don't screw to get respect," Allison lied. "That's the difference between you and me."

Claire rolled her eyes. "It's not the only difference I hope."

"Face it," Bender said. "You're both teases."

"I'm not a tease," Claire and I said together.

John turned his attention to Claire. "Sure you are. Sex is your weapon, you said it yourself. You use it to get respect."

Claire paused thinking back. "No, I never said that. She twisted my words around."

"What do you use it for then?" John asked.

"I don't use it, period!"

"Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?" Bender pressed. At this point I was going to burst into laughter.

"I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!"

"Well if you just answer the question." John said causing the other two to start up in trying to get Claire to break and answer the question. They began talking at the same time pressuring her into snapping, which she did.

"NO! I NEVER DID IT!" she growled angrily.

There was a long silence before Allison admitted, "I never did it either." Claire looked at Allison with wide eyes making the basket-case smile. "I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar."

"You are such a bitch!" Claire growled as Brian looked at the two with wide eyes. Claire because she too is a virgin and Allison because she lied, and is in fact also a virgin. "You did that just to fuck me over."

"I would do it though," Allison admitted. "If you love someone it's okay." I flinched again at what she said. She's right. It's only okay if you love someone. That's why Emily left.

"I can't believe your so weird." Claire said ragging on my friend. "You don't sat anything all day and when you open your mouth you unload all these tremendous lies all over me."

Andy sided with Allison, which I still think is way too cute. "Your just pissed off she got you to admit to something you didn't want to admit to."

"Okay fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre."

"What's bizarre?" Andy asked. "I mean we're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it that's all."

"Oh, how are you bizarre?" Claire asked not believing him.

Andy couldn't answer, but Allison did for him. "He can't think for himself."

Andy nodded softly. "She's right. Do you guys know what-a what I did to get in here?" Yes, but I wasn't going to ruin this. Andy needed to tell everyone what had happened. He needed to let it all out. "I taped Larry Lester's buns together."

Claire laughed a little while Brian asked, "That was you?"

Andy nodded. "Ya, you know him?"

"Ya, I know him."

"Ya, well then you know how hairy he is right?" Andy asked. Bender smirked, listening to Andy speak. It's not funny John. "Well when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some- and some skin too."

"Oh my god," Claire said disgusted.

"And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know when he was in school, all the wild things he used to do. And I, I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone right? So, I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. And, he's kind of skinny, he's weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him, and started whaling on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and-and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation, the fucking humiliation he must have felt, it must have been unreal. I mean, how-how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way, it's all because of me and my old man." Andy was getting ready to cry.

"You ztart by zaying your sorry," I whispered softly. "Zen if he acceptz, which he probably vill vhen he zeez how truly zorry you are, you tell him you'll do anyzing to get him to forgive you."

Andy looked at me surprised. "Ya, and what about my old man."

I shrugged. "Unlezz he beats ze zhit out of you, fuck him. He'z vhat made you do zat, so forget about ze jerk-off and apologize"

There was silence before Andy spoke again. "Oh god, I fucking hate him. He's like this-this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. 'Andrew!'" he said using his father's voice. "'You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! Your intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!' You son of a bitch." Andy cried. "You know sometimes, I wish my knee would give, then I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. Then he could forget all about me." As Andy spoke about how his father was I couldn't help but think of my own. How he wasn't always like this, about how when my mom was still alive he actually cared. Once she died, he wouldn't give a shit about anyone but himself. He trust his wants and needs onto his own family pushing away everyone that didn't listen to him. Now that I was the only one left he wasn't going to let me go very easily.

"I think," Bender said. "Your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling."

"Don't forget mine. Zey could ztart a fucking team." I muttered. All three of us shared a small, pathetic chuckle.

There was silence that was quickly filled when Brian spoke, "That's like me you know, with my grades. Like-like when I step outside my self, kinda, and when I look in at myself, ya know. ... And-and I see me ... I don't like what I see. I really don't." I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears while rubbing my wrists. Damn it, why is it that everything about these people wants me to tell them the truth, all of it. And not my sarcastic truths, but real truths. Why damn it? WHY?!

Though I couldn't see how Claire said it, I heard it in her voice as she spoke and felt that she truly was concerned when she asked, "What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?"

"It sounds stupid but," he paused. "It's because I'm failing shop." Slowly I opened my eyes, wanting to see Brian as he spoke rather than just listen. See how this effected him. "He had this assignment, ya know, to make this ceramic elephant. And we had eight weeks to do it and we're supposed to-it was like a lamp, and when you pulled the trunk, the light was supposed to go on. And my light didn't go on. I got an F on it, I've never gotten an F in my life." I watched from the corner of my eye as Bender gave Brian a 'you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me' look. "When I signed up, for the coarse I mean, I thought I was playing it real smart. You know, I'd take shop, and it'd be such a great way to maintain my grade point average."

"Why'd you think it'd be easy?" John asked clearly irritated.

"Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?" Brian asked.

"I take shop," John said. "And so does Aleksandra." Brian looked to me and I gave a small nod. Bender and I were both in shop, ya, but I was in the class after him, he only knew that because he got stuck cleaning up one day and saw me. Bender continued, "You must be a fucking idiot."

"I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?"

"No, your a genius because you can't make a lamp."

"What do you know about trigonometry?"

"I could care less about trigonometry."

"Bender did you know that without trigonometry there would be no engineering?"

"Without lamps there would be no light."

"Okay," Claire interrupted their 'lovers quarrel'. "Neither one of you is better than the other one."

"I can write with my toes," Alison said unexpectedly. "I can also eat, brush my teeth,-"

"With your feet?" Claire asked.

Alison smirked. "Play 'Heart and Soul' on the piano." They looked to me and I nodded. Yes, Alison can truthfully do all those things with her feet, as weird as it is.

"I can make spaghetti," Brian said.

"What can you do?" Claire asked Andy.

"I can- uh- tape all of your buns together," Andy said jokingly.

Claire turned to me. "What else can you do Alex?" she asked. "Other than sing and write music and play the guitar."

I shrugged. There was nothing else I could really do ... well, except. I smirked. "I can contort my body in wayz zat vill make you cringe." My mother was a contortionist slash highflier in the Munich Circus before she met my father. She taught Emily and Cassie all her tricks and then they taught me before ... they left. It's why I did that little move when sitting next to John on the staircase.

They were probably going to make me demonstrate. But John pulled their attention away. "I want to see what Claire can do."

"I can't do anything." she said.

"Now, everybody can do something," Bender said.

Claire thought for a moment before saying, "There's one thing I can do. No, forget it. It's way too embarrassing."

"You ever seen 'Wild Kingdom'?" Bender asked. "I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years."

Claire paused but then agreed. "Okay, but you have to swear to god you won't laugh." John rolled his eyes and crossed himself as Claire took out a lipstick container. My head tilted in curiosity, like a puppy as some have called it. She took off the cap and screwed the lipstick up, "I can't believe I'm doing this." Claire placed the lipstick between her breasts, using her bra as support, before actually applying her lipstick like that. I looked to Brian and saw that he was lying on his sick with a sweet little puppy love smile as he watched her show us her talent. After a few moments longer she rose her head showing the now dark lipstick across her lips.

We clapped for her Andy giving out complements. "Where'd you learn to do that?" Andy asked.

"Camp, seventh grade." Claire said putting the lipstick away.

Only Bender had to ruin it. He kept clapping slowly and said, "That was great Claire. My image of you is totally blown."

"Your a shit," Alison said. "You swore to god you wouldn't laugh."

"Am I laughing?" John asked.

"You fucking prick." Andy growled.

And all of a sudden, all the good things everyone had been feeling came crashing down. All the good things I haven't felt in years left as John spoke, "What do you care what I think? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference." But it would, I wanted to yell at him. I would to me. "I may as well not even exist at this school. Remember?" Bender then turned attention to Claire as I slipped my legs off his pulling them to myself. This was too much for me to watch anymore, so all it did was place my head in my knees and listened. "And you," he continued. "don't like me anyway."

"You know I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them." Claire said sounding like she was getting ready to cry.

"God your so pathetic. Don't you ever, ever, compare yourself to me. Okay? You got everything and I got shit. Fucking Rapunzel right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up. 'Queenie, isn't here.' I like those earrings Claire."

"Shut up," she said.

"Are those real diamonds Claire?" he pressed. "I bet they are."

"Shut your mouth."

"Did you work for the money for those earrings Claire? Or did your daddy buy those for you?"

"SHUT UP!" Claire yelled causing my to flinch.

"I bet be bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift, right? You know what I got for fucking Christmas this year? It was a banner-fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, 'Hey! Smoke up Johnny!' Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy and don't cry here okay?"

There was silence, as Claire sniffled and whipped her tears. "My god," Andy said. "Are we gonna be like our parents?"

My head shot up and I growled, "Nein." They looked to me surprised, I had been pretty quiet this whole time. "I'm never gonna be like him. Never." Brain, and Claire looked completely confused when Andy, Alison, and John all only just slightly understood.

"Not me," Claire said taking their attention off me. "Not ever."

"It's unavoidable." Alison said. "It's just happens. When we grow up, our heart dies."

"Who cares?" Bender asked dismissively. But I could tell he really did care.

"I care," Allison and I said together.

"I know this is a bad time." Brian said interrupting the silence that followed Allison and my statement. "But I was just thinking. What's gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean, I consider you guys my friends. I'm not wrong am I?"

"No," Andy said as I shook my head when Brian asked me the question with his eyes.

"So-so on Monday, what happens?"

"Are we still friends you mean?" Claire asked. "It we're friends now that is."

"Ya."

I watched as Claire beat herself up inside talking to Brian. She really cared about him. "You want to the truth."

"Ya, I want the truth."

Claire sighed softly. "I don't think so." Brian looked away.

"With all of us or just John?" Allison asked jokingly.

"With all of you," Claire said truthfully.

"That's a real nice attitude Claire," Andy said.

Claire rolled her eyes to him. "Oh, be honest Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do. You'd say 'Hi' to be nice and then, cut him all up so your friends didn't know you really liked him."

Andy looked at Brain, who knew that what Claire said would be the likely situation. "No way," Andy said trying to convince himself.

"What if I came up to you?" Allison asked Claire.

"Same exact thing," Claire said sadly. Her sorrow was masked by her words.

"YOU ARE A BITCH!" John yelled suddenly.

"Why?" Claire asked. "I'm a bitch because I'm telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?"

"No," John growled. "Because you know how shitty that is to do to someone. And you don't got the balls to tell your friends that your gonna like who you wanna like."

Claire then turned the tables on him. "Okay what about you, you hypocrite? Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties?" Allison gave a small teary chuckle. "Or take Brian out to the parking lot to get high? What about Andy for that matter? What about me? What about Alex? What would your friends say if you two were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off. You would probably tell them you were doing it with her so they'd forgive you for being seen with her." I flinched, Claire may be saying cruel things, but her words are truthful. No matter how much we fight it, that's probably what's going to happen.

"Don't you ever talk about any of my friends! You don't know any of my friends! You don't look at any of my friends! And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to talk to any of my friends! So you just stick to the things that you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor rich drunk mother in the Caribbean!"

"Shut up!" Claire yelled kicking him in the leg.

"And as far as being concerned what would happen when Aleksandra and I would walk down the school you can forget it! Because what you said is never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fucking prom!"

"I hate you," Claire said though the beginnings of crying.

"Ya? Good!"

We were all silent before Brian once again broke it. "Okay, so then Allison, Alex, and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos." Brian turned to Allison. "Would... you...would you do that to me?"

"Alex is my only friend," Allison said. I looked to her shocked. Allison never outright said that we were friends before, I always said it and she went along with it. Allison gave me a weak smile when she saw me watching her. "But if I had more," she continued. "I don't think the kinds of friends I'd have would mind."

Brian looked to me. "What about you Alex? Would you do that to me?" ziblings. I highly doubt zat's any different zan being friendz."

Brian gave me a weak smile back, just like Allison. "I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't and I will not. Cause I think that's real shitty."

"Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us." Claire said.

Brian laughed. "You're so conceited Claire. Your so conceited." He wiped away the tears from saying that to her of all people. "You're so full of yourself. Why are you like that?"

I could tell that his words bothered her more than she was letting on even though she was crying. "I'm not saying that to be conceited. I hate it, I hate having to go along with everything my friends say."

"Then, why do you do it?" Brian pressed.

"I don't know, I don't," she sighed. "You don't understand. You aren't friends with the same kind of people Andy and I are friends with. You just don't understand the pressure they put on you."

"I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure Claire. Well, FUCK YOU! Fuck you!" He started crying. Making Claire look as though someone just shot her puppy. Brian cried into his elbow, letting it cover his face as he asked, "You know why I'm here today? Do you?!" I knew only because he trusted me enough to tell me. "I'm here because ... Mr. Ryan found ... a gun in my locker."

"Why'd you have a gun in your locker?" Andy asked truly concerned for his new friend.

"I tried," Brian said. "You pull the fucking trunk and the light's supposed to go on. It didn't go on, I mean I ..." He sat up and stopped talking.

"What's the gun for Brian?" Andy pressed.

"Just forget it," Brian muttered.

"You brought it up man."

Brian didn't answer. "Brian," I said softly. "Juzt tell zem."

He was quiet for a few moments before he said, "I can't have a F. I can't have it, and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. Every thing's ruined for me."

"Brian," Claire said softly. Brian angrily hit the stool beside him.

"I was considering my options, you know?" Brian said.

"No," Claire said. "Killing yourself is not an option." I flinched rubbing my wrists. If only Cassie and Emily knew that, if only I did when I tried all those times.

"Well I didn't do i,t now did I? No, I don't think so."

"It was a hand gun?" Allison asked.

"No, it was a flare gun." Brian muttered. "Went off in my locker."

"Really?" Andy asked laughing. It's not funny.

"It's not funny." Brian said voicing my thoughts. Andy calmed himself slightly, but it didn't last long before his laughter started up again followed by the others. "Yes, it is," Brian said laughing himself. "Fucking elephant was destroyed."

I glared. "Ztop it," I muttered but they didn't hear me. Tears fell down my cheeks. "ZTOP IT!" I yelled. "ZTOP LAUGHING!" Their laughter quieted down. "Ztop fucking laughing." I said leaving the tears where they were. "It'z not fucking funny. It'z not funny." My eyes were too blurry to see through my tears. "You-you juzt had remind me of zem didn't you?" I asked. "You juzt had to make me remember vhat happened to Cassie and Emily."

"What happened?" Allison asked. They all looked to her, surprised she didn't know. Of course she didn't. It hurt too mush to even think about them, let alone talk about them. I shook my head. "Alex tell us."

"Zey vere my older twin zisters," I gave a soft laugh. "Zey vould have turned twenty-two yezterday. Vhen ... vhen I vas thirteen zey stayed home on zeir birthday, ze only nice zing our vater used to let uz do. Zey stayed home. Zey were zeventeen and I skipped my lazt two periods of school juzt so I could celebrate vith zem even though-even though I knew I vas going to get punished. On zeir sixteenth birthday zey went to zis party late at night and zey both had zex, zey weren't ze same after zat. Zey didn't care anymore. I vanted to check on them, to make sure zey were okay. But-but I got home. Emily ... Emily and Cassie alwayz hated zemselves, ve always cut ourselves to relieve ze pain." I rubbed my still very sore wrists harder than before. "Vhen I got home ... Emily, Emily vas hanging from ze stairwell vith her wrists cut." Claire gasped and Andy muttered, 'oh my god'. I ignored them. "She vas still zwinging, and I heard a zump from outside zo she must have only juzt killed herzelf. Zen zere vas a loud shot and ... I didn't have to go find Cassie to know she killed herzelf." I looked to them wiping away my tears. "So no, it'z not fucking funny." I paused. "You vanna know vhy I'm here today? Becauze Vernon caught me cutting myzelf in the girlz bathroom after a fucking freshmen zaid she zaw blood on ze floor."

"You-" Claire started. "You tried to kill yourself?"

I glared at her through my tears. "Nein. I juzt hate zeir birthday, vhich makez me hate myzelf, vhich gets me depressed, vhich makes me vant to cut myzelf. I only do it vhen I really fucking hate my life or vhen it's zeir birthday, zometimes Christmaz and my own birthday vhen I'm really reminded how much it suckz zat zey thought zey could get out zo easily vhile I'm stuck here vith zat fucking jerk-off of a vater." There was a long silence.

Allison spoke though the silence. "You wanna know what I did to get in here?" she asked. She smiled at our silence. Oh, I knew and I thought she was a fucking saint for it. "Nothing. I didn't have anything better to do than bother Alex." We all laughed. "Your laughing at me."

"No," Andy said in a squeaky voice through his laughter.

"Ya you are!" Allison said also laughing. Now that I told them, told someone. It felt like a weight lifted off me, like anything could happen now. Anything good.