Chapter 10

It had been a great evening, but a long day for Jane. She had taken an hour's rest before her family and friends had arrived but that was all; the rest of the day she had been in the chair and now she was exhausted. As she rolled out of the elevator upstairs a little flutter of anxiety rose in her chest. She wondered what Maura was expecting from their first night back together in the same bed.

She had been to the 'sex-after-injury' talks in rehab, but that didn't make her feel any more confident about broaching the topic with Maura, plus she was probably going to need help just to get ready for bed anyway, which might just be a bit of a passion-killer in itself. But Jane wanted to be able to please her partner, especially after all the things Maura had done for her since she had been shot.

Entering the bedroom first, Jane listened out for Maura climbing the stairs. She was probably just locking up for the night but could also just be giving Jane the space she needed to find her own routine. She went to her closet and grabbed the loop Maura had tied to the handle so she could open it with ease; it was another thoughtful gesture. Jane had a good technique for getting off shoes and was able to lift each leg in turn and push the heel of her sneakers off with one hand. Where they landed was random chance, but they were at least in there instead of lying on the floor, which would just irritate Maura. She closed the door and pulled the T-shirt over her head but couldn't quite manage the sports bra. That was as far as she could get for now, so rolled across to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, which was easy with the thick rubber handle of the electric toothbrush she now used. Turning her chair to face the toilet, she lifted her left leg and tugged up the bottom of her sweat pants to reveal the plastic bag strapped to her skinny calf. She slid her leg from the opposite knee across onto the edge of the toilet seat until the bag was over the water. Carefully she used her thumb to push open the drain on the bottom of the bag and her pee drained away. When it was empty, she used her thumb again to pull the drain closed and lifted her leg back into the chair. She waved her hands under the soap dispenser and two pink spurts of liquid soap hit her palms. She waved one hand in front of the sensor for the faucet and ran her hands under the warm water before rubbing them together to get some lather. Finally she rinsed them off and then dried them on the chocolate brown towel hung in front of her.

Back in the bedroom, Maura had just entered the room and looked around for Jane. Hearing the faucet running, she went to the bathroom door and grinned at seeing Jane stripped to the waist. "Need a hand with anything?"

"Just my bra and sweat pants," Jane pointed down. "I am done in here." Moving towards the bed, Jane asked Maura if she could find her PJs.

"Long or short?"

"Short, please." Maura went to the bedside drawer and pulled out what Jane was after. She looked at her lover for further instructions. "If I lift up my hips, can you pull them down for me?" Maura nodded and did as Jane asked, pulling the sweat pants down to her knees. Once there, Jane sat back in the chair and let Maura remove them the rest of the way.

Maura gently lifted behind Jane's knee to slip the pants off one leg at a time. She then took the navy blue, cotton shorts and reversed the process until they were pulled up as far as mid-thigh. Jane once again, lifted herself up using her hands on the wheels so Maura could pull them up over the slender hips. Without being asked Maura pointed at the bra and Jane just nodded and lifter her arms so her partner could just whip it over her head. "Thanks, Maur. I got it from here."

Maura watched as Jane using her quirky little technique to put on the top. She put both arms into the sleeves of the white PJ top and then hooked her fingers into the back. In a single move, Jane lifted both arms up over her head and wriggled the top down over her shoulders, once it was there, she let go and brought one hand on the wheel to get some balance and used the other to hook the front and pull it down the rest of the way. She spent a minute smoothing it down her front and back, but Maura had gone to the bathroom satisfied that Jane no longer needed any more assistance.

Jane wondered about trying to get into the bed without the transfer board but decided against it because she was tired. 'Another day' she thought to herself. She lifted the covers back as far as she could. The board was leaning against the bedside drawers so she hooked it up and put it on the mattress. Remembering the remote control, she pushed the button which raised the back. Once she was happy with the angle, she used the board to slide over. Now she was sitting on the bed, Jane did her usual trick of hooking one knee to lift the first leg up. Then she would push her hips a little further on the bed, before finally hooking the other leg up. Having transferred several times a day for a number of weeks, Jane had sort of gotten used to the way her body felt, or didn't feel. She had tried to explain to Maura a few times what it was like and had struggled to find the right words. Intellectually, she knew her legs belonged to her body, but the lack of sensation made it feel weird to touch her own legs and feel like she was touching someone else's. Now she was on her side with her legs curled in front of her. She had to try and straighten out her legs and roll onto her back, which without many working muscles below her chest was pretty hard. She put her weight on one elbow and pushed with the other hand until she could get both arms straight. Now she was sitting, but twisted to the side. She swung one arm around so that her torso was forced to rotate with the momentum and that in turn carried her hips around, and finally her right leg lifted and fell away. It was a little like a domino effect, one movement led to another and another until she was sat straight with her legs bent at the knee and splayed apart. Not very ladylike, but she was balanced and in control. For everyone else, sitting on the bed took seconds, for her it took minutes, but like the doctor said, she was doing it independently.

Maura had been watching from the bathroom doorway as she brushed her teeth. Jane hadn't noticed she had an audience, but as she leaned forwards to straighten out her legs, she realised Maura was watching her. The look on Maura's face a few weeks ago when she had seen her transfer had been pained as though she had been uncomfortable with seeing just how little use of her body she had. But now the look was different, it was a look which conveyed warmth and pride.

Jane gave Maura a cute grin. "You are being voyeuristic you know."

"That's a long word for a police officer," Maura winked.

"Oh, fighting dirty now. I was an honour roll student I'll have you know. I could have gone to medical school."

Maura's face fell at that. If Jane had chosen another profession, she probably wouldn't be in this current situation. It was just a fleeting thought, but her keen-eyed partner noticed immediately that something was wrong.

"What, Maura?"

"Nothing," Maura turned away and rinsed away the toothpaste. She gathered herself and went back to talk to Jane. Sitting on her side of the bed, she had a painted on smile as she turned to face Jane.

"What was that? We were just joking and the next thing I know you look like you're about to start crying." The dark-haired woman was not about to let it drop and Maura's face turned serious again.

"It was what you said," Maura's voice dropped. "About going to medical school. It made think that if you had, you wouldn't have been shot." She looked down.

"And if I hadn't been shot, I wouldn't be paralysed." Jane finished Maura's thoughts.

Maura realised Jane might misunderstand her thoughts as being selfish, as though she was unhappy being with someone who now had a disability. "I just felt bad for you for a moment, or bad that this was happening to you."

"But it's not just me, is it? This is happening to everyone around me and most of all you. You're the one who's had to pick up the pieces."

"Don't feel sorry for me, you're the one who's having to re-learn everything. I just want to help you get better any way I can."

"Maura, look at me," Jane nodded her head towards her lower body. "I'm broken and I don't think I can be fixed."

Maura followed her gaze down the slim torso to Jane's legs, both now very skinny and one with a urine collection bag attached to it, the limp ankles and feet, which had shown no signs of movement at all since the shooting.

"I know this is hard for us, but I also know that even if this had been worse like the doctor said, I would still be here. I don't know what I would do without you. You're in my heart and though I wish you weren't having to go through this, I still love you unconditionally." Maura slid over to Jane's side and wrapped an arm across her ribs to pull her close. "I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't think of you as broken, I want you to know that."

She felt Jane's arm loop around her and the circling of fingers dancing across the small of her back. "Thank you. I love you too, with everything I have."

They lay in each other's arms for quite a while, just enjoying lying next to each other again without the risk of someone walking in on them. They hadn't been able to relax together like this in the rehab centre. Eventually though Jane could feel her eyelids getting heavy and knew she wasn't going to be able to stay awake much longer.

"Maura, I think I am about to drop off. Can I get some help with my legs?"

Maura gave her a final squeeze and rolled away to fetch the large foam pad that had to go between Jane's knees. They were so bony that it could cause a pressure sore if she lay with one on top of the other for too long. Maura returned and asked Jane which side she wanted to sleep on for the first half of the night.

"I'll start on my right, then when I need to turn, if I need a hand, you can literally just pull me towards you." Maura let Jane roll onto her right side and then carefully arranged Jane's legs and the large pad between them. When she had done, she ran her hand down Jane's back looking for creases in her clothes and smoothed one or two out so she wouldn't be lying on them all night. Finally she asked Jane what time she wanted to turn.

Jane's face gave a pained look when she said "three a.m."

Maura gave her arm a squeeze and then went to set her alarm for three.