Epilogue. With the 2nd Mass

"You've been through a lot," Dr. Anne Glass said to me.

"Who hasn't?"

I got up and walked over to the window. The 2nd Mass had been here at John F. Kennedy Elementary School four months before my unit arrived. They had welcomed us in and now I sat talking with Dr. Glass as I usually did every day at this time. She was a pediatrician but she was also a great listener.

"What's going on in that head of yours Ray?" she asked looking at me.

"Why do we continue to do this: This therapy session? I confided in you once and now it's become a ritual."

"Do you wish we didn't?"

"Maybe I don't know. I mean why should any of this even matter? More than half of the world is gone so why should I care about my problems. Why should you? I don't know why I'm being ridiculous."

"Maybe it should matter because of the fact that there's only 20% of the population. The fewer people there are the easier it is to make people care."

"I guess. After the invasion I just thought I was done with therapy. I changed so completely that I thought that part of my life had died with the rest of it."

"Well try not to think of this as a therapy session. Sometimes we all need is someone to talk to even if it's not within our own people. You never talked to anyone before me, outside of your group I mean."

"Not about things this deep no."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm their leader. Even Shawn and his unit look to me. I can't appear to be weak and I can't tell them all the stuff that's in my head or what I write in my journals or the things I tell you because then they'll start to see my like…"

"Like what?"

I stayed silent for a moment. There was no way I could voice my fear now but she had to know. Since our arrival Anne had taken me in much in the same way she had done with Lourdes even if my job was different, even if I was a soldier, a term I never used to describe myself until now.

I lowered my head. "Like I was before."

"Because of your depression. When did that start?"

"Do I have to go into that part of my life?"

"You don't have to but sometimes the scars of our past can still have a hold over us even if we don't want them to."

I looked down at my chest and then diverted my gaze to my arm.

"It started when I was twelve. I had just moved schools so I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt under a lot of pressure so I internalized but it just got worse. Got put on medication in college because that's when things…escalated."

"Escalated how?"

I looked to make sure the door in the front was closed. Then I moved behind some counters and turned my back toward Anne.

"I don't want to show you over there."

"Okay."

It was easy to hear Anne walk over towards me. Not looking at her because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, I began to take off the leather jacket I had been wearing one of the many things I had found along the journey though this one held significance because it was mine, it had been in my car that had been flipped over back in Alpine. That seemed like ages ago.

I took off the layers of shirts I had on till finally I came to the last one, a white long sleeve which had always been my attire before I put on any t-shirts and the like. I took that one off as well revealing, aside from a descent pair of abs that I had developed over the course of the invasion and the bra I had strapped on, scars that ran along my right arm and scars that ran in every direction along the top of my chest.

Anne paused for a moment. She came closer and gently touched the ones on my arm.

"My old therapist knew but Shawn's the only person to ever see them and it's not because we…it's because he's the only person I can trust." I looked up at Anne who was still examining my scars. She didn't look at all freaked out the way I was expecting. I don't know maybe it was because she was pediatrician. Maybe in her past life she had seen young adults with scars that were a result of self injuries.

"And now you," I said as I shook my head. "Kind of stupid right, at the time my depression and the cutting was my only focus but now it seems completely irrelevant and meaningless."

Anne looked at me, "No," she said. And I couldn't help but look back. "It's not stupid. Whatever pain you felt was real. We all carry a piece of our old lives with us and that's okay. We wouldn't want to erase it completely."

"I guess not, at least when it comes to the people we care about." I began putting my clothes back on. "but when it's stuff like this," I said raising up my arm. "You can't help but want to erase it but you can't."

"Let me ask you then, why didn't you get rid of them before I mean. There were scar solutions on the shelves; you could've gone to a dermatologist, laser treatments. There were all kinds of options."

I froze. Constantly I had considered it. I even had some scar solutions back in my dorm but I never used them. Part of it was to put my parents' minds at ease the other was just always as a backup option in case I decided to get rid of them.

I walked back to the window. It seemed the only place I felt truly safe. Something I had done since I was a kid.

"I never could," I finally admitted. "Every time I held the cylindrical container with the scar solution I would look at the scars and I just couldn't. I hate them deeply but at the same time I can't bring myself to get rid of them. And I know I talk about wanting to erase the past so it doesn't make sense why I can't bring myself to erase these."

"They're apart of who you are, just like your memories."

I looked up at Anne knowing she was right.

Before any more could be said there was a knock at the door and Hal Mason entered.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said. He looked at me directly even though Anne was in the same line of sight. "Weaver and Sharpe need you."

I went over to the counter and picked up my rifle and jacket then looked to Anne. "Um, thanks for this."

"I'm here if you need me, you know that right?"

I simply nodded and followed Hal to the hallway.

"Which Sharpe," I asked. "Logan."

"And Shawn?"

"With the boys: Benson and the J Thomas twins. And Riley is with Inez."

Benson Reid, Jet and Jed Thomas, Riley Keith and Inez Rios: The only members left, next to Shawn and Logan of 9th Bronco Company. Marie Cordova was the only member of mine.

"Shawn said he'd meet up with you when you got back."

"Where from?"

We opened the doors to the main classroom that was used as Captain Weaver's office.

"Captains," I said nodding at him and Logan. "Tom," I said nodding at Hal's father.

They both looked up at me. "Good you're here, Chief," Weaver said to me. "Captain Sharpe bring her up to speed."

"Yes sir," Logan replied.

And so that's how it went. Another night. Another mission. Another day in a post apocalyptic world.

Did it bother me sure it did. This kind of life would bother anyone but like Anne said with a population diminished to only 20% for once I actually mattered. I mattered to my unit and the units around me as a leader and I mattered to these people, even to the 2nd Mass as another human of earth and in the end whether we won this war or lost it that was all that mattered. The invaders could try to make this their home but in the end it was our home and humanity mattered no matter how large or how small it got. Humans would always be here, they couldn't eliminate us completely and that had to count for something.

~END~