Note from the Author:
While I know that it's unusual for me to give an Author's Note before the chapter, I wanted to give this disclaimer:
This review contains comments and satire of a political nature and if you are easily offended I recommend you skip to the next chapter.
Likewise, since the story is written in a rather strange style to keep true to the documentary theme of it, so will this review.
(Mew waddled on screen, dressed in a stiff military uniform from the waist up and a clip on bushy mustache. She turned to the camera and started to speak in a bad Russian accent.)
Greetings, comarades and welcome to reeducation- I mean tolerance training. Here at Gulag- I mean state of art facility- you will be trained- taught, TAUGHT!- to tolerate everything that we deem acceptable, and to hate everything that we don't deem acceptable. Your graduation test involves you saying you see five fingers when you only see four.
MEW!
(Mew's fur stood on end and she quickly flew away, leaving behind the costume. Arceus floated onto the scene, absentmindedly watching the hallway she flew down before turning his attention to the discarded costume.)
I don't even want to know were she got this. But I might as well be sent to the Gulag after this review.
Arceus the Critic
"Confessions of a Male Gardevoir" by Coli Chibi
Confessions of a Male Gardevoir
By: Coli Chibi
"Hi. My name is Garland, but you can call me Gar for short. I'm a Gardevoir, and yes, I'm a male. A man. A guy." A documentary about a guy who looks like a girl, and how he learned to live with it.
Yes, while the name may deceive you to think this is a bad romance, this is in fact a documentary. Is that better? Well... let's see.
Hey. How you doing?
I'm here, so not all too well.
This is where I sit, right?
Yeah, thanks... Glad to be here. You mind if I smoke? Thanks.
Hooo, boy... So, you wanna know about me, right? This documentary thing... You want to know what it's like... bein' me?
Alright. Don't say I didn't warn you.
But you didn't. You just lit a cigarette and clarified the reason I'm reading this.
Hi. My name is Garland, but you can call me Gar for short. I'm a Gardevoir, and yes, I'm a male. A man. A guy. So, you all want to know about me, and how it is to be so friggin' girly lookin' and be a friggin' dude. Alright, lemme start from the beginning.
I was born to mixed family. Mom was a Gardevoir, and Pops was a Wobbuffet - yeah, weird, I know. Well, they got married in summer, y'know, June wedding, lovely little get together at the church, big white cake with the little figurines at the top, y'know, the whole deal.
Well, I was born in late autumn. My parents were a bit surprised that I was a boy. But, you know what, they were real happy with it. They named me, and took me home, and they sent me to preschool. You know, being a Ralts wasn't bad at all. Yeah, I was a little cutesy for a boy, but you know what? Flippin' Pichu, man. Look at 'em.
And what am I seeing when I look at a Pichu? You can't compare apples and oranges, and all baby Pokemon are "cute" in one way or another.
When I was ten, I evolved into a Kirlia
It just happened one day. I didn't really mean for it to happen. I was just walkin' around the neighborhood, when poof, you're a Kirlia now. I was just... wow. I couldn't believe it. I looked like a freakin' girl. I knew it, my parents knew it, and boy, did the kids at school ever know it. They didn't let me forget it, either. I went from being this okay guy in school, not really popular but not really disliked, to the absolute bottom of the frickin' food chain. I did everything I could think of to change - I cut my hair, but it always grew back looking as girly as before, I tried to deepen my voice, but that failed, and it gave a sore throat, and I even tried wearing a shirt that said that I was a boy. None of it worked, and I hated it.
And here we come to the first logical fallacy. In this story, it seems that Pokémon have taken up the role of humans, having video cameras, cigarettes, haircuts for some reason, and clothing. So why didn't you wear a hat or pants rather than just a shirt? And since apparently there are commercial products in this world, why not hair gel rather than a hair cut?
It was torture. The girls made fun of me, the boys made fun of me - I... I hated it! I mean...
Whooh... Alright, gimme a minute to cool down...
Alright, alright, I'm good.
So, yeah, I hated school. Pretty much everyone was against me. I didn't think I'd make it through fourth grade, but it turns out, I didn't have to. I got into a fight one day. These guys, I don't remember their names, and I don't give a hoot, were pickin' on me, and I got ticked, naturally. So, I punched on of them, they punched me, and, well, there were three of them, and one of me, so I got the pulp beaten out of me. So, I got by butt kicked. It was in the papers, for Pete's sake. Those brats got themselves expelled or something, and my Mom took me out of that school, and I spent the rest of my young life home-schooled, along with my sister. So, my mom quit her job as a waitress at some cafe and decided to teach Lily and me at home.
Ah Public School... where logic and reason go to die.
(Arceus rolled his eyes.)
Thank you, common core.
(Linus: There's nothing that can harm a person more than too much formal education.)
Ahem, right. Okay, so, like I said, growing up was really hard for me. It's kinda hard being a Kirlia, y'know. But, it wasn't so bad at home. I mean, yeah there was no homecoming or prom, but really, why would I go to those at school? Who would go out with me?
So, one day it happened again. I was finished high-school, I was studying to go to college, while mom was teaching Lily high-school. One day, I was exercising in my room, just lifting some weights, when I evolved again. I couldn't stop myself... it just, kinda, happened. So, I was a Gardevoir, and boy did it suck.
Why did you not just purchase a Dawn Stone?
Eh? What's that? Why didn't I just buy a Dawn Stone?
Yes, that is what I said.
Were you paying attention at all?! Didn't I say my family wasn't rich, in fact we were kind of poor! My Pops worked as a frickin' punching bag! No, really! He was a Wobbuffet! He went to the gym every weekday, sat there, and let some macho fighting type beat him for a livin'! That was his job! He got paid ten bucks an hour plus extra for any black eyes. I got to see Pops get home every day, covered in blood and bruises, and he'd sit down on the couch and ask Mom to go and get some frozen veggies that he could put on his face to ease the pain. I mean, I remember some kid at school, a Tyrogue, I don't remember his name, was talkin' about how his dad was a boxer, and how hard it was for him to see his dad come home all bruised, and, yeah, I get that, but at least his dad got to actually freakin' hit back! My Pop, he stood there and took it - to feed my family! Oh, and here you are askin' about why I didn't buy a freakin' Dawn Stone?!
...Sorry, right. Sorry. Didn't mean to blow up on you. You can edit out the rage part if you want.
I think I will keep it.
Whew... Oh, yeah. Thanks Pops. I really appreciate you getting beaten to make a living for us. I love ya.
Okay, right, I was a Gardevoir. Now, bein' a Gardevoir is where everything really went downhill. You see, that meant I was a young adult at the time, and that I was also, well, legal, if you catch my drift.
(Arceus' eye twitched.)
No. I don't. Particularly because Pokémon don't have age laws since: THEY'RE POKEMON!
Chibi, and I mean this with all due respect, have you even watched the anime?
So, yeah, I got harassed. I'd be workin' at my part-time job at the local fast food place, when some jerk from the football team would ask me out, and I had to speak - in my very, very male voice -
Well, you can imagine how that went. Sometimes when I was just frickin' walkin' down the street on my way home, some jerk would pinch me! I'm not even jokin'! He'd frickin' pinch me. So, I took some self-defense classes, and if someone touched me, I'd touch them back, and I'd touch those jerks harder.
Ough... I need a drink.
Pinot Noir or Champagne? Although you seem more like a Budweiser Pokémon to me.
Right, back to your film... So, yeah. That's why I'm a Gardevoir. My parents couldn't afford a Dawn Stone, and my evolution was just unexpected. But, you know, it's not that bad. I mean, Gallade kinda looks girly too, right? Yeah, it does.
(Arceus rolled his eyes.)
Yes Garland, a Pokémon with blades coming out of its arms is girly.
It's... hard, yeah. But, I had my family supporting me, so it wasn't so bad.
So, any questions?
Yes, what's the point of this documentary exactly? You've sat me down and forced me to listen to an exposition of your life without any clear reason why.
Where's my family now?
No that's-
Alright, let's see, Pop and Mom still live in our hometown. Dad's retired from being a punching bag - he was gettin' a bit too old for it, and the gym didn't want to see him get hurt anymore.
Of course that did not stop those sadists all those years ago, who, as you put it; paid him extra for getting black eyes.
He's started workin' at a local hobby shop with one of his buddies. Mom's into dancing...
(Arceus lurched back.)
Ehh... Tap? Ballet?
No, not that kind of dancing! Get your frickin' mind out of the gutter! She's teaching ballet and ballroom at a local dance academy!
Don't blame me for how you worded your sentence. Perhaps you should have said teaching instead of into!
Right, right, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it.
Uh, Lily, my sister, she evolved into a Gardevoir too, and she's currently in college. We all get together for Christmas and New Year at my place. We're kinda apart yeah, but we talk a lot on the phone, and we always find some time to visit. I love them, and they love me back, so we're still a family.
Yes, family is family. Even when my sons mutilate each other and even when I nearly kill them in a fit of unbridled fury, they are still my sons and I am still their father.
What do I do for a living? I work at a department store. I work in the sales department, but I also sometimes help with stocking, you know, grabbing heavy boxes, lifting them, putting them where they need to go, that sort of thing.
A lady ought not to do heavy lifting. You on the other hand...
The pay is pretty good, and the work place is alright. Sometimes there's that jerk who thinks it's funny that I look and sound the way I do, but I've learned to live with it.
Listen... there are jerks out there. There are probably more jerks than there are nice guys. You gotta learn to live with it.
Alright, any more questions?
Yes, back to my original question: is there any reason for this? Or are you just going to misinterpret that as interest in your life story?
What's my life like now? Alright, I wake up at about five, I shower, I eat some eggs for breakfast, and at eight I go to work. I spend my lunch break with a few friends of mine, and at five I go home. I call Mom and Pops and ask how their day went, and then I call Lily and ask her the same thing. Then I make my dinner, or I order take out if I need groceries, and then I watch whatever's on TV until I head to bed. On Saturdays and Sundays I usually have the day off. On Saturday I do my grocery shopping, usually dinners that are easy to make. I'm not a very good cook. I usually spend the rest of the day hanging out with my friends. On Sundays, I go to church, and usually just spend the day doing whatever - if a friend of mine wants to go out for drinks, I'll go, I guess. Usually I have nothing better to do.
Evidently.
Alright, uh, next question.
How long does this story last?
Just misinterpret that question however you want.
Do I get stereotyped often? Yeah, I do. First off, you know, I look like a frickin' girl, you know about that part, so sometimes people think I'm a woman without really askin' me. But that's not all. I'm a Gardevoir, you know. I'm a real classy lookin' Pokemon. My mom was a real classy woman too, she's polite, humble, all that great stuff. However, I took after my Pop... So, I don't really act like you'd expect a Gardevoir to act. I mean, you're hearin' me speak right now, right? You're hearing my regular voice - this is how I talk every day.
Like you just came from the Jersey Shore?
There are other stereotypes too, though - Gardevoir all are graceful dancers, Gardevoir all have well payin' jobs, and Gardevoir don't smoke... well, you can see that one is pretty fake right now, can't you?
*Poof*
Yeah, sometimes I get stereotyped, but I'm learnin' to live with it.
Alright, what's next?
You want to know about my friends? Well, alright. First off is Fungi, he's a Parasect. He's a young guy, kinda shy but not bad company. He's quick with a joke
(Billy Joel: And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. But there's someplace that he'd rather be.)
I'm sorry, but I simply couldn't resist a Piano Man reference with that line.
and quick to give you a hand if you're in trouble. Not a bad guy, you'd like him.
Uh, next is Strings. He's an Ariados I know. He doesn't work at the super-market, he works at some coffee place, playing a guitar for his paycheck. He's a nice guy, but a little gloomy sometimes - likes to keep to himself mostly, but he always says hi when you say hi to him. He's goin' back to church now, so I think there's hope. He's a pretty good guy.
Next is Grunge, he's a Grimer.
Hopefully you will introduce the idiot who gave them these names next. You live in a world where Pokémon have assumed the roles of humans for some inexplicable reason, and you can't even bother to be creative when giving them names?
(Masamune: Imbecile!)
He works in stocking, but just the unloading part. He doesn't smell really great, and he leaves a trail of slime sometimes, which can be a real nightmare for the janitor. Despite the way he smells, he a really good guy. He's good with kids, charitable with his money... He can be a little clueless, but he's that likable kind of clueless. I think he has a thing for my sister - he met her when my family came down for Christmas, and he's always askin' about her... Wait a minute, you'd better edit that part out! He'd kill me.
What is he going to do? Slime you to death? But since Pokemon have formed a human like society, I think this would be more appropriate:
(King Arthur: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?)
Thanks, thanks. Alright, anyway, I usually meet my friends at their workplace. I work with Grunge and Fungi almost every day, and I see Strings whenever I go to the coffee house, always strummin' away up there. We all meet at my place on Saturday for poker night. I supply the house, they supply the snacks. It's real fun. You should join in some time.
Anything else?
Do I have a girlfriend? Why, you interested?
No, not in the slightest. And your oh so charming life story has done little to endear me too you.
Well, no, I don't, and I never did. I mean, there were some pretty girls at school, some pretty girls at college, and some really pretty girls who work at the department store today. I've just never been able to ask any of them. I mean, would you date someone who looks more feminine than you?
Alright, look, it's about six, and I gotta get home soon. One more question, 'kay?
...If I could go back in time and change my species and prevent any of the bullying or sexual harassment from happening to me, would I do it?
...
You know what... If you asked me that a few years ago, I'd would have said yes. I hate people treating me like I'm some sort of gender confused homo freako. I hate people mistaking me for a woman and flirting with me. I hate spending time with people like that. But you know what? If I wasn't the way I was, I might be someone like that. Being a misfit has taught me somethin': respect everyone, even if they're different from you. I learned to respect other people if I want them to respect me just by bein' born a boy. And you know what else? I've got a family and friends who love and care about me, and all the jerks and harrasers, and stereotypers or whatever you call 'em can all go to hell for all I care. So you know what? I'm glad I'm the way I am. This is me, this is who I am, and I'm proud of that.
...Well, it looks like that's all the time I have for today. Sorry, I gotta get home... Eh? Oh, no, thank you. This was nice enough. I really got to take a load of my chest.
I am going to cut off the review there because the next section is just Disney-esque nonsense about how we should accept everyone for who they are (even if they are trying to be someone they aren't) via showing the cameraman is a female Machoke. But there is a major problem with that moral, two in fact: First; it is barely mentioned throughout this "delightful" exposition and ends up being abrupt and cliché as a result.
The second is this: Pokémon are Pokémon. They don't wear clothes! They cannot change their appearance (save Ditto) and cannot nor do not desire to change who they are. This is a poor example for the Moral and is not a Moral at all. Just because someone does something, does that mean that we should accept or condone that? When the Pharisees brought the adulterous woman before Christ he forgave her, but still told her to go and sin no more.
I'd rather not say anything more about the subject, to the point where I'm not even going to give my Judgement on it, and I think it would be better if you drew your own conclusions. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go wash my hooves of this as soon as possible.
The End
Credits
Peanuts
Billy Joel - Piano Man
Samurai Warriors
Monty Python and the Holy Grail