-If You Fuck With My Heart…-

"About as subtle as an earthquake, I know,

My mistakes were made for you"

-14 January 2012-

The table groaned under the pounding of our fists as we kneaded the dough. Puffs of flour swam in the air, making the already stuffy kitchen, dense looking. The light above our heads illuminated the orange and white walls of the big family kitchen. My hands were red from the constant movement, but I rejoiced in the task, it took my mind elsewhere, to places even he couldn't reach. I watched my hands turning the white dough, this way and that, pulling it, stretching it, until it was fluffy with life.

"I think that should be enough now, put them in the bowl, then place them on the fire to rise. Don't forget to put a tea towel over it now." Said my mother from where she stood to my left, hands caked in the stuff, flour dusted over her entire being. Mam was never a clean chef.

"Mam, I have made bread with you before."

She waved her hands at me in a dismissive gesture, flinging a small amount of dough off her fingers and into the air, "It's just habit Rhea. I swear I have to re-teach Kes how to make bread everytime he gets round to helping out. Right lazy bugger he is."

I shook my head at my Mother. She was always bad mouthing her children, but with such affection and love did she raise us, nobody cared what she called them.

After I had placed the dough in the big mixing bowl and put them on top of the fire place to rise, I went and washed my hands of the sticky mixture. When I was done I stood and stared out of the window into our overgrown front garden. It was now nearly dark, the last rays of sunshine streaming in through the glass.

I had come back to my Mam's because I had missed my family with a passion, so I had got the first train I could that Friday and headed to Wales. Well at least thats what I had told her. It had been nearly a week since he had walked out of my life. After I had screamed and shouted at him, until he left. Just remembering the scene made my almost cripple with sadness. I hadn't told anybody what had happened, not even Jade who had bugged me about it so much I had shouted at her. I didn't shout at Jade, I just didn't do that sort of stuff to her, so after I had raised my voice, she had left me well alone. So alone that I hadn't spoken to her since Tuesday. It was now Saturday and although I was home, my heart was elsewhere.

Since that Sunday Morning, I had been walking around in a dream state, running on instincts and my friends generosity. Many of them were used to my down times, but this time it was different, and they knew it. Like Jade, many had tried to get it out of me, even some of my teachers at Circus Space, but I had closed down with such force that they had left me well alone. So far that was me. Alone. But now I was back home, I had been waiting for Mam to pick up something was wrong. So far she hadn't mentioned anything to me, but when she had picked me from the small station in our local town, she had frowned and given me a extra big hug. Since then she had not been patient with my siblings loudness, and had saved me from many bouts of questions that had been fired at me from all of them. She knew something was up, and I think she was just biding her time. Waiting until it was just me and her. And now she had found it. All the others had gone out to see our Auntie play football in Cardiff, it was big game, but I had stayed at my Mother's insistence.

"Rhea?"

I turned round to face her. She stood leaning up against the small fridge, giving me her full attention. My Mam was tall, round cheeked and wild haired. Rarely was she completely clean, usually she would have earth under her nails from her obsessive gardening, ingredients from whatever she had been cooking, or perhaps even a smudge of makeup gone wrong. I loved her with a fierce passion that had me up and enraged if anybody was to say anything even slightly offensive about her. She had been there for me when my friends had disappeared, and my heart and very body was broken. She had supported me in my wild pursuits of circus, scraping together money for my travels with various groups so I could get the experience she had once dreamed of. She had been there for me when my father had given up on me, abandoning me because I wasn't what he had envisioned I'd be. To him, circus was just a passing phase, and I would one day realise that I should go to a 'proper' universite and get a 'proper' degree. He had lost his way somewhere between his marriage and choosing work over building up a strong relationship with his children. I had given him all my love and attention until I had realised that he gave me next to nothing in return. That was the day I had left and not talked to him for over a year. That being the year that I had started with him. Jamie. The man who had damaged me so much I couldn't bare to love the man I wanted.

As Mam stared at me, these thoughts raced through my head, making my emotions go wild.

"Rhea, it's time to tell me whats going on. No more hiding. We both know it does you no good."

That was it. I broke and rushed her to her side, burying my head in her chest, hiding from the cruel world we must live in. After I had cried for a little while, Mam guided me towards the lounge where we sat on one of our old dusty sofas and I told her everything. I told her about how he made my feel when he smiled, I told her about how his touch made my skin feel electric, I told her about how whenever he spoke my ears where filled with the sweetest sound of his voice. But most of all I told her about my mistake. About I had pushed him away, I was scared, weak and alone.

"The fear that grips me when I think of having to commit to a relationship with him makes my knees weak. He'll be away so much, and we both have such different lives and dreams and wants, I have no idea how we can possibly make it work."

Mam shook her head at me, "And so what if it doesn't work? If you really do have strong feelings towards him, you'll work it out, trust me. How do you think J and I have been able to stick it out all these years? Because we try. We try hard to make it work, and it does. I love J so much that sometimes it scares the shit out of me."

I rubbed my hand across my wet face, and sniffed, "Yeah, but what if it isn't meant to be? What if he just ends up hurting me and then leaving?"

Mam took my hand in hers, "And then you'll move on. You'll have good times. It's just like your Dad and I. We were together for a good amount of years and although I have problems with him now, I will never forget the good times that we had. I will never forget that for some time, albeit briefly, I was in love with him and it was the best feeling. We had a great time together, obviously it went it a bit sour towards the end, but I wouldn't change the past for anything. Being with him helped me grow and become the person I am now. Plus I did get two rather lovely children out of it."

I slumped back against the sofa and pulled my knees to my chin, "I just, I can't explain it….I...suppose that in him I see something that scares me. I see his devotion towards me, his affection and I just don't feel like I will be able to meet his needs. I suppose I'm scared of letting him down…"

"And what about your needs Rhea? You have been in what, 3 relationships so far and one of them fucked you up so bad you can't have a good relationship anymore? Don't give Jamie the satisfaction of seeing you struggle to find love. That man did things to you that make me want to ring he fucking neck, so don't you dare become somebody you're not because of him. You are a strong and loving young woman Rhea. If this is meant to be, you'll work it out. Sure there will be days where you don't even want to see their face, but then it'll be over and you'll move on and make up."

I stared down at my black jean clad knees and let my mind struggle over the possibilities of the future. What Mam said was true. I would not let that bastard affect my lifes decisions anymore. He had done enough already. Affected me in ways I dare not even consider.

My head jerked up as the door was pushed open with a bang, my various siblings stumbling through the kitchen and towards where we sat on the sofa, Mam still holding my hand. I hid my face, as they traipsed in, not wanting them to see me like this. I was the strong one. I was the one who looked after their hurts and tears. I was the big sister.

Dana came and sat next to me, tapping me on the shoulder, "You alright Rhea?"

I looked up, not meeting her dark gray eyes, "Yep, I'm fine."

Dana pulled my left arm up and over her shoulder, so that she was now cuddled into my chest. It brought back painful memories.

"Then why have you been crying?"

"Because I was sad, but I'm fine now."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head, "No. Not anymore."

"Ok."

I kissed the top of her blonde dreadlocked head. I did love her sometimes. She knew when people needed space, unlike some people.

Mam had now got up from beside me to help J put the shopping away, and my younger brother Kes bounced onto the sofa next to me, making Dana and I jostle, the top of her head hitting my chin.

"What's up Rhea?", Kes said.

I sighed and was about to answer, when Dana interrupted me, "Shut up Kes, leave her alone."

Kes gave Dana a playful frown and then leant forwards and gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Love you sis."

_/\_/\/\_

"Just leave!...I don't need you and I don't want you! Just go...!"

Alex's blank face and dead eyes stared at me. He turned to go, leaving me in the swirling abyss of despair. Tears trickled down my cold cheeks, dripping into ice. I was so cold. So cold.

In the distance along the dark hall he shone like flickering passion. I needed him. Why did I send him away? I ran, slipping and sliding on the ice floor at my feet. My limbs stiff and sore as the ice traveled through my veins.

"Alex wait! I'm sorry, I need you. I need you so much. Please, come back…" I screamed after him, my voice was silent, but he heard me and turned. The light got brighter.

"You said you didn't need me Rhea. I won't stay where I'm not wanted…" His voice carried along the hall. He turned to leave, opening the door, walking outside.

I crumpled to the floor, my inside being ripped apart.

"I do need you, I do…"

I do need you...Alex…" I whispered, waking from my nightmare. My covers were off my bed and I was cold. So cold. I blinked in the dark, feeling the cool air chilling my already freezing skin. Flicking on the light above my bed, I sat up, pulling the covers up and around me, warming my chilled flesh. The soft light from the small lamp illuminated my childhood bedroom. Memories flickered in every corner. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and my hands came away wet, tears making my fingertips glisten. I had been crying. Pulling my curtain aside from the window beside my bed, I saw that it was completely black outside. Next I picked up my phone that was charging on the bedside table. 3:17AM.

I had gone to bed early as I was emotionally and physically exhausted by the day. It's all I seemed to do when I come home. Sleep. I was now wide awake and staring at the camera on the small wooden table across the room. Without thinking about it too much I walked across the cold wooden floor and picked the old device up, my hands shaking slightly. Getting back into bed and snuggling down into my blankets I turned it on, the small screen lighting up. I went onto pictures and stopped when I got to him. There he was, glowing softly in the light of the fire. I bit my lip to stop it wobbling and flicked to the next picture. Looking closely, I now saw the beginnings of a small smile forming on his lips, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He was either smiling at something in the book, or had known I was there all along.

I needed to speak to him. Now. I needed to at least hear his voice say my name. I dropped the camera on the bed and snatched my phone up, fumbling to type in the PIN. Before I could change my mind, I quickly flicked through my contacts until I came to his. I pressed on his number and held the phone to my ear, breathing fast. The phone rang. And rang. And rang, until finally it stopped, and my stomach dropped as I heard his voice. It was only his answer machine. I slowly brought the phone away from my ear and ended the call. There was no way I was leaving a message, it would just be embarrassing. And anyway I had heard his voice, kind of. I put my phone back onto charge, and lay back down, tears slowly dripped down my face, until I scrunched my eyes shut, shutting them away behind my eyelids. It was a sign. It must be. It obviously wasn't meant to be, and I had to except that, I had t-.

I sat up straight as my phone lit up, vibrating softly. Snatching up my phone, I saw that Alex was calling. Phoning me back. Now it was actually here I hesitated, not sure if I could do it. Jamie's face came into my minds eye.

"You'll always be mine Rhea. Mine! Do you hear me?" I pushed his voice away. He was gone. Finished.

Before my minds wanderings got the better of me, I pressed answer and brought the phone to my ear.

"Hi?" I said softly, my throat constricting.

"Rhea?"

"Yep."

There was silence from the other end, all I could here was his steady breathing.

"Alex I...I really miss you."

There was the sound of him letting out a breath and then he replied, "I miss you too Rhea."

I gulped and look at my wall, "Alex, I'm...really sorry for what I said, I just, I don't know. I suppose I find it hard to trust that someone would like me in that way. Well, like me enough to stay anyway."

I heard him sigh, "An', I'm sorry too. For tryin' to force you into somethin' that you're not ready for."

I sat up straight, "No. Alex. I am ready...sometimes. Just right then I was all over the place. You make my head spin. It's like I can't think properly when I'm around you."

"Well that goes both ways."

I blushed, thankful he couldn't see, "Well what can I say...I can be quite delightful sometimes." I said before my mind caught up with my mouth.

He chuckled, and my eyelids fluttered as I absorbed the sound, "There she is. I knew she hadn't completely gone."

I smiled. Just hearing his voice was making me feel better. If I were just to touch him…

"Rhea," His voice took on a serious note, "I know this is hard for you and I'm gonna take this phone call as a sign that you want to be back in touch with me. I just want you to know that I 'aven't felt like this about someone for a long time. I'm willin' to wait until you're ready, if that's what you need. Just don't play with me, I can't take it."

I curled up my left hand into a fist, until my short nails bit into the skin of my palm, "Alex, that's the problem. I've waited too long to move on in my life. I haven't let anybody close since, since him, and I'm scared that if I don't let someone in soon, I wont ever be able to. I'll lose my nerve."

I pulled myself together, bring my arms around my knees and positioning my back up against the wall, "Jesus Alex, I'm so scared…"

His voice was utterly serious now, "Rhea, I won't 'urt you. I'll never intentionally go out of my way to cause you pain. I won't leave you."

I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling, the cracks were dark where the light couldn't reach them. I sniffed, my eyes watering again, "But Alex you will leave me. You'll leave me when you walk away. You'll leave me for stages and parties, where women will fawn over you for your attention. You'll leave me at train stations and airports. You'll leave me for new countries and experiences. You wont be able to not leave me, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to hold a relationship together with such distances that are sure to appear between us. I'm damaged goods Alex. I've been told, and It's true. I let people down."

"We're all fookin' damaged goods Rhea. We just have to make do with what we 'ave. Make mistakes, fall over an' break, then put ourselves back together again. Rhea, you're stronger than you think, Love. An' anyway it won't just be you holding it together. A relationship is a two way thing"

I put my hand across my mouth to stop the sob that wanted to come forth, "Alex, I don't fucking deserve you."

"Yes you do. You deserve so much better than me, but I'm willin' to give all I can to make it so you get the affection an' devotion you deserve. It's like that book you gave me. It's a new start, a new beginnin', a new world to explore an' write about. I want you to be there with me. I want to get to the day where the wine is jus' right, an' I can say those three small words."

My mind flashed back to the note I had written, I had completely forgotten about it. He was my home away from home. A tear slid down my cheek.

"You're my Dandelion an' Burdock girl Rhea. You're my muse. My new start."

I sniffed again.

"Rhea, are you cryin'?"

I swallowed and choked out, "No."

I could nearly hear him rolling his eyes at me, "I don't think you're tellin' the truth."

"Ugh fine. I am crying. I'm crying because you're so god damn….I don't even know what you are…You're just the best ok? Happy now?" I wiped my hands across my eyes. Where the hell were these tears coming from?

"Well no, but yes at the same time. I think I'm gettin' through to you a bit. Rhea, since I left I've been watchin' paint dry just thinkin' of you."

I gave a snotty sounding laugh, "Well I think you're exaggerating a bit there."

"No, it's actually true. We 'ad a couple of the walls in the truck re-painted an' all I've been doin' is sitting, watchin' it dry and writin'."

My heart skipped a beat, "You've been writing?"

"Yeah."

"Oh god."

"What?"

"It's actually real. This is all real." I had suddenly fallen into a state of shock.

He laughed and then there was a loud voice from his end of the line.

"Matt? What the fook man?"

There was what sounded like a scuffle from the other end of the line and then an unfamiliar voice said my name.

"Rhea? It's Matt," There was another scuffle and heavy breathing filled the receiver, I pulled the phone away from my ear and frowned. What the fuck? "No Al, just lemme say somethin' to 'er."

"Matt? You alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine, Al's just bein' a dick and not lettin' me speak to you so I'm gonna make this quick. Basically Al's been completely borin' and mopin' around. He needs you Rhea. He's jus' not the sort of guy who can cope with rejection, especially one from someone like you. So please, I'm beggin' ya, just come and see him, please."

I suppose at the end of the day it was as simple as that, "Ok Matt, I'll be seeing you in February. In Paris."

"You fookin' serious. It were as easy as that? I really don't know what Al was goin' on about."

There was a noise from his end and then Alex's voice was again in my ear, "Sorry 'bout that, he totally just like came up behin' me and took the phone off me."

I giggled and then stopped abruptly. I had laughed more in this one phone call than I had in the last week.

"Alex, it's fine. So you still up for me coming to see you?"

There was complete and utter silence on the other end. I had the feeling his wasn't even breathing.

Finally he let out a breath, "Yeah, I would like that very much."

"Ok then, I'll be seeing you soon. You're playing at the L'Olympia place on Friday the 3rd aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Well I'll meet you there, I wont be able to get there until later on, as I don't finish training until about three, and then I need to get the flight and so on."

"Bloody 'ell. I can't believe this is actually happenin'. After what you said I thought that was it, it was over before it had begun."

I smiled sadly. "Alex hunny, you're in deep now, there's no escaping."

"I will never want to escape from you."

"Hmm, we'll see. Alex?"

"Yeah?"

I swallowed and held myself a little tighter, "Alex, if...if you mess around with me, I...I won't, I don't think I will be able to get back up again. And I swear to god Alex, if you fuck around with my heart, it will take a long, long time for me to forgive you."

"Rhea," His voice had gone low and soft, making me shiver, "If I were with you right now I would kiss all your worries away. I would show you how much you mean to me. But I'm not. I'm halfway round the fookin' world so all I 'ave are words. I will never intentionally hurt you. Ever. I swear to god Rhea, you're too precious to me to hurt."

"Ok." I didn't know what else to say.

"Ok?"

"Ok."

I bent my big toe and it clicked, "Alex, I really want to see you soon...I miss waking up to you, we had a little routine."

"Yeah, it's funny after sharin' a bed with you for jus' two nights, it really got me into the habit of it. My bed on the bus is small, but seems empty."

"Well my beds huge so imagine how I feel."

He chuckled and then shouted to someone. His voice was muffled and I deduced that he must have his hand over the speaker.

After a minute of shouting and a muffled bang, he returned back to me, "I've gotta go, when you called we were actually doin' a run through for the show tonight. Gotta get back to it now."

The corners of my mouth turned down from where they had been in a small smile, "Oh, ok. Sorry, it's kinda awkward timing."

"No, don't apologize. I'm so 'appy that you called, to be honest I wouldn't 'ave had the courage after...after that mornin' when you…"

I picked up where he trailed off, "The morning where I was a total bitch to you."

"Rhea there are bitches and then there are jus' people who get hurt and scared like you and they react to stuff."

"Hmm, if you say so."

"I do say so."

"Oi you, thats my line."

"If you say so."

I couldn't help letting out a snort of laughter, "Anyway hun, I'll speak to you later, sometime. This bloody time difference is gonna get to me. Plus its just dawned on me how long we've been talking and how much thats going to cost me."

"Don't worry about the cost love, it all goes to my phone and as you pointed out, I've got plenty of cash."

I cringed when he said that, jeez, I could be so rash sometimes, "Ok, well, bye then."

"Bye."

There was a pause as each of us waited for the other to hang up.

"Alex? You still there?"

"Yeah."

"Hang up dick head."

"No you hang up."

I rolled my eyes, "Ok, this is getting way too corny for my liking. Goodbye, I'll speak to you later." Before I could change my mind I took the phone from my ear and ended the call. My back crunched as I put my phone back on the charger and I wished more than anything Alex was here to laugh at the noise. I settled back down into my blankets, and switched off the light. The blackness enveloped me in it's soft folds and instantly my eyelids started to droop.

"You're my Dandelion and Burdock Girl Rhea…"

_/\_/\/\_

The early morning sun woke me as it gently filtered through the gaps in my dark red curtains. I blinked slowly and then sat up with a jolt as I remembered the nights events. Throwing back my duvet, I jumped out of my bed, my legs still wobbly from sleep, and raced out of my room. I burst into the kitchen, to find Mam, Fey and Art at the table, in the various stages of eating breakfast.

They all looked up as I made my entrance, "You alright?" Fey said, a piece of toast halfway to her small rosebud mouth.

I nodded, a grin spreading across my face, "Guess what."

"What?"They were all looking at me know. A knowing smile came across Mam's face. She knew. Somehow.

"I'm going to Paris!"

My salvation lay in his love, I could feel it in my very being.

"Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start"

Hey my lovelies, so I know not that much happens in this chapter, but it had to be done to move onto bigger and better places. Also just to let you know, as the chapters get longer and more complicated, it will probably take more time to write them, so please be patient with me :)

Thank you SO much for your reviews of the last chapter. I was literally crying the other day because of you guys. This is the first time I have ever written this sort of stuff, and the fact that a normal 15 year old girl can get such lovely and supportive reviews just astounds me. So again thank you, you make my days just that little bit brighter.

Sav x