Ch 10- It Won't Be That Way

"Mrs. Hughes." He said, tucking her into bed

It was late and Elsie lay, weak by the fire. She eagerly took the teacup he offered in hand, placing it atop her middle, Charlie's hand cupping her rounded belly gently.

"It's been a long day my Mrs. Hughes." He said as she squeezed his hand. "Among the longest of days." She said, her voice groggy.

It'd been a contraction… or so the doctor said. But it'd stopped.

'It could be any number of things.' The doctor had told them when he'd come to examine Elsie, an experience Carson had found he hadn't liked.

Elsie had taken his hand and squeezed it tight, seemingly hanging on for dear life. He watched her eyes as the doctor visited with them, noting that she was only half there with them. He took her hand and kissed it gently, trying his best to regain her attention but she simply stared, a single tear streaming down her cheek.

The doctor's prognosis was mixed.

'Your cervix is sealed it's not labor, not true labor anyhow.' Carson cringed at this, like Lord Grantham he didn't enjoy medical detail. 'I would say its your first signs of false labor, something the body does to prepare for the real thing… but Ms. Hughes I must warn you, if the child is to be still the body may make it come very early.'

"It won't be that way." Carson promised, cradling her belly, his sorrow-filled face made a bit more anguished by the shadow cast on it by the fire.

Elsie was upset and wanted him to stop touching her midsection but said nothing, feeling that for now that part of her belonged to him too, that he deserved whatever time they had to connect with the child who would not be.

"It was to be Charlie." She said quietly, her eyes flashing as she looked up at him. "Charlie because I love his father so much."

"Oh Elsie." He sighed deeply, pain and pride both swelling within his heart. "You'd really…"

She nodded quickly and he reached up to dry her tears. Crushed, she lie her cheek in his hand and just rested it there.

"I love you Charlie Carson, I'm so sorry I couldn't be good enough."

"Elsie Hughes: you are the most perfect of women. And the only woman for me."

Elsie stared up at him, her eyes swimming with confusion. How could she, now that he'd said that? Although a part of her wanted to, it occurred to Elsie that she could never do it without it breaking her: she could never tell him to let her go but part of her knew that she must.

"Why do you think, " he continued, "it took me so long to settle, to find someone to love. I wanted to Mrs. Hughes. I always wished to go another way. I had a…romantic interlude." He didn't know how else to phrase his time with Alice and didn't necessarily want to confess right then that it had been an intimate interlude. "As a very young man. She broke my heart and I married my work. No other woman ever compared… not until you."

"She gulped, toying with the ring he'd given her as he took her cheek in hand and forced her to look up at him.

"I know what you're thinking." He said. "You want me to go: you think you've done something."

"I couldn't protect our child." She cried, voice squeaking before it simply cut off. "No man wants a woman who can't protect their child. Charlie I think that its time for us to…"

"Don't you love me?" He asked, pain obvious in his eyes.

"With everything in me." She cried, drying her tears. "Charlie…"

"He will be a beautiful baby."

"He will be everything and nothing at all Mr. Carson. When will you leave?"

"Not until you marry me."

"I can't. Not like this…"

"You won't get rid of me so easily, Elsie Hughes. Such a feat would be impossible, for you are part of me and always have been." He said, his face inching closer to hers.

She looked up at him, a deep longing in her eyes that translated almost into a pure devastation he could barely stand.

"You complete me my Elsie, you were made for me and I for you and even if you send me off, here I'll still be." He said as she started to cry again. "Don't send me away Elsie. You're my life and my reason and you have been. Oh you have been since the moment I saw you first." She gulped, having no idea. It was the way she felt. "No matter what happens. I beg you not to cast me away, not to give up on me: to let yourself love me. To let yourself love you, Elsie. I know you don't want to love yourself."

"I don't deserve love."

Her words pained Carson who took both his hands and placed them on her midsection once again, mentally willing the child to move and by doing so, break the somber mood between his parents. Knowing it wouldn't happen Carson leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, urging them open and kissing her deeply, taking her face in hand, leaning his forehead to hers once he pulled away.

"Charlie…" She gasped, her eyes closed.

He inched closer to her, her belly the only thing keeping them apart.

"I've no intention of seeming wanton, but if you're going to cast me out." He gulped. "If you're going to throw me away…"

Elsie looked up alarmed, wondering if he could read her mind.

"Then give me one more night with you. It's not enough it could never be enough… but I need to hold you, I need to hold you one last time."

"Oh Charlie." She said, her breath ragged. "Oh Mr. Carson I'll love you to the end of ti…" He cut her off, ending her words with a kiss that enthralled her fully with just the simple brush of his lips.

…

"Hmmm." Elsie whimpered. Her eyes closed and she settled in against his bare chest, relishing the soon to be longed for feeling of being held tight in his warm embrace.

"Elsie." He whispered, running his fingers through the long hair she'd allowed him to take down. He moved it back out of her face, sinking down into her neck and kissing it deeply.

Having thrown caution to the wind, the couple ended up on the floor shortly after they started to kiss. It was there they made love and there they came to rest in front of the fire, between two large tartan blankets and snug in each other's embrace. Elsie kept her eyes shut tight, her forehead pressed against his, not wanting to come back to reality. Here in the dark, she had Charlie and Charlie alone. There was no Scotland, no Becky and no stillborn babe.

"My precious Elsie." He whispered, his breath tickling her skin.

She sighed feeling two big hands cup her expectant stomach, his touch calming her in an instant. Carson looked down at her with great big warm eyes that held within them all the love in his heart and the worry consuming his soul. He gazed at her with affection and also trepidation, noting how tiny she seemed, even despite the large bubble on her tummy that, now that she was unclothed, seemed to simply be blooming.

He held her close, her middle taking up every bit of space between them, pressing into his own midsection. He marveled over it, caressing it in his hands with the realization that nothing else in the world was as sacred in quite the same way and nothing purer or more blessed could've come from the act, which they'd just partaken of. He leaned down again and kissed her with all his might, tears pouring from his eyes in gratitude for all that lay before him, although he knew not what was to come.

'She's so lovely, and my beloved and the mother of my child.' He thought.

And stillborn or not, Carson couldn't help but find himself filled with pride for the fact that there was a child of their making, there between them. He'd loved her from the moment he first saw her, but never in his wildest dreams, thought she would ever carry his child. Elsie opened her eyes and placed her hands over his where they rested atop the baby. She smiled up at him sweetly and blinked, a joy present in her eyes he hadn't seen in months.

"I'm so touched Mr. Carson." She sniffled. "That this is part you, and part me. And so no matter what happens: he will have always been the best part of me."

"Oh Elsie." He said, pressing his forehead against hers and gently kissing her nose. "You are the very best part of me."

...

The couple lay there all night wrapped in each other's embrace, their hands never leaving the side of their still unborn treasure. They lay silent for much of that time, their foreheads, noses and lips in a continued embrace that slowed only once the fire started to die down and they found they could no longer stay awake. The deeply troubled couple had been soothed greatly by the tone of their lovemaking, which had been both more gratifying and heart-filled than either could ever recall it being. It'd been something that soothed them that bonded them and left them both wondering how they could ever let the other go.

Half asleep, they still held her belly, looking down at the hidden frame of their little one in patient expectation, hoping against all hope that he would move: nothing. The couple was resolved to it now: that their dream was gone and they would have a secret child who they would honor quietly and long for all their days.

"She'll have your eyes Mrs. Hughes. She'll be perfect."

Elsie bit her lip, not wanting to tell him that eyes were for the living.

"I'm having a boy and he'll look like his da." She said, pretending for a moment that she were saying this of a normal baby. "He's a boy." She almost squeaked in sadness.

It was the one thing about all this she could say for sure: that she was expecting a little boy. She wasn't sure how she knew it so definitively had confirmed her condition. On top of that, an old midwife in the village had told her that very thing last week, knowing nothing else about her but taking note of the way she carried the baby.

"And he's a boy, my Mrs. Hughes, who will make me prouder than I could've ever hoped to be and for all of my days."

….

Elsie found that the time drew near far too quickly and soon, it became time for Carson to return to Downton Abbey. Each had tried to finagle a way out of it several times, all unsuccessfully, and then when it was time for him to really leave she found herself heartbroken, to the point of nearly being sick. For a while, she'd found herself in the depths of her sorrow and wanting to get rid of him, the love of her life. Now all she wanted was to accompany him home, announce their love and spend all her days at his side.

It was Elsie's childhood friend, Joe Burns who came to take Charlie to the train and despite the fact that Joe knew they were unwed; Elsie was not at all shy about bidding her Mr. Carson a proper farewell. The formidable butler, who did not like public displays of affection, ran his fingers through his love's hair, staring deep into her eyes with all the adoration he could muster and she stared back with all the attention she had to give.

Joe knew it was impolite but couldn't help but watch from the doorway. He'd always known it would take both a formidable man and an untraditional situation to win Elsie over, that he'd not been good enough, that their life had not been special enough… Joe watched Charlie Carson lean in to kiss the woman he'd once loved, feeling both a bit jealous and very humored. While he still had feelings for Elsie, Joe understood within an instant that he'd been beaten and that Charlie was so formidable that even in is absence, his mere mention alone would have all the power in the world to his stake and claim his girl. After all, Joe knew that Elsie was a virtuous person. She'd refused Joe a date when they were young, but had very obviously let Charlie make love to her, unwed.

Joe knew he didn't stand a chance, but hoped with everything in him that after a time, this mighty man's noticeable absence, and Elsie's sorrow over a child who she had to burry, would be enough to give the recently widowed man a competitive advantage.

"I'll be back and very soon." Charlie kissed her hands; she stared up at him, seemingly enthralled with every breath he took. "I'll be here to see him born, to hold him in our arms and please: to make you my Mrs. Carson."

Elsie dreaded the birth with everything in her, because she knew that with that would come an inevitable letting go. But at the same time, she found herself now unable to wait to be Mrs. Carson, a name she already went by in town.

"My Mr. Carson I've no words for how much I'll miss and long for you." She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes, kissing him deeply. He felt his heart warm in an instant when his love kissed him so deeply and he felt the frame of their unborn babe against his chest.

"I love you."

"I love you Mr. Carson and I can't wait to marry you!" She said, kissing him deeply.

The couple had a difficult time separating and eventually, Joe was able to get Charlie out the door with the message that it was about noon and he was about to miss the train. Elsie waved from the door, her eyes pooling with tears as a gentle summer rain started to pour from the heavens, instantly turning the ground below to mud. Elsie watched even as Joe's carriage got further down the path, wanting to take in every last glimpse of Charlie she could get. She thought of waiving but watched patiently, caressing her belly as the carriage rounded a corner and went out of view.

"Oh! OUCH!" She cried, looking down and suddenly realizing the baby kicked. "CHARLIE!" She yelled. "CHARLIE!" She gathered her skirts and despite the rain and the mud began to run. "CHARLIE! CHARLLIE! CHARLIE!"

Elsie found it hard to run with the baby and almost tripped several times but caught up with the carriage as Joe brought it to a simple stop.

"Charlie!" She called up to him, tears of joy filling her eyes as she looked up at him, walking along side the carriage.

"ELSIE! You need your rest you shouldn't be…"

"Mr. Carson you don't understand. I'm having your baby!"

"Well I know how do you think we…"

"No Mr. Carson! I'm having your baby!" She started sob.

"E-Elsie is…?" He asked carefully, pain in his eyes.

She nodded quickly, trying to keep from crying hard as the coach finally came to a stop. The fullness of what she said took root and shone in his eyes like light from the sun the moment it hit him. He scrambled out and swept Elsie in his arms, kissing her deeply and without hesitation she took his hand, tears in her eyes and placed it right where the baby was punching. She looked up into his face, laughing jubilantly when she realized how deeply touched he was to feel their baby.

"Oh… oh Elsie." He said very softly, the feeling having taken his breath away. "Oh my Elsie there he is."

"He's alive Mr. Carson! He's alive and he's going to be the most perfect babe!" She burst and he took her face in hand, kissing her deeply as an unknown foe watched them kiss in the pouring rain.