Just as a word of warning, I will probably be absent for a while due to a mountain of work to complete in a relatively small amount of time. I just wanted to get this chapter out to you all first.

Thank you for all of your support and loveliness! I read through your reviews and kept thinking 'I could totally make that happen', so hopefully, this is dramatic enough and actually okay... Let me know!

10 – BEN, JERRY AND JACK

"What?"

Her breathlessness is making her feel dizzy, her head spinning and her body struggling to stay upright as she tries to process what just happened. Jesse had finally confessed his big secret, at the stroke of midnight, at New Years. I'm dating Iris. It won't stop reverberating off the corners of her mind, off the walls of her hollowed out heart.

It's clever of him, really, because she's stuck in Canada with his entire family, nowhere or no way to run, her options in how to react dwindling significantly with every passing second; not that that's much of an issue, because she's glued to the spot, just gawking up at him and his eyes are full of caution and guilt and regret, his mouth down turning as he groans and tightens the hold she didn't know he had around her arms.

"Shit, Beca, I'm sorry, that... That was wrong."

"Wrong?" Still in her daze, she tries to clear the fog across her mind caused by his words still hurtling around inside of her. I'm dating Iris. "Wrong about you dating my roommate or wrong about the way you just… Blurted it out, no warning, because you – you what, needed to clear your conscience before the clock rolled over? I mean seriously, dude, what the hell was that?!" she practically spits at him, her voice raising with every word, the intensity behind them growing as the fog clears and she starts to see Jesse in a whole new light that she doesn't think she likes all that much.

Jesse cringes. She wants to slap him and punch him and run away from him all at once, and the desire must be evident on her face because he steps back a little, just out of arms reach. "I shouldn't have said it that way, I know, I'm sorry I just... God I'm not doing very well here am I?"

"You think?" She laughs humourlessly, still staring at him because it's like no other part of her body is working but her mouth and she's trapped by his words, unable to get away. Her hand raises to run through her hair as she struggles to speak, "What - fuck. Shit. I... I can't do this."

Finally getting function back, she steps away sluggishly before running into the house. Jesse is dating Iris. Her roommate Iris. Pretty, blond, sorority chick Iris. Exact-opposite-of-Beca Iris.

It's like her heart hasn't just shattered - its liquidated, threatening to spill out of her chest at any moment as she struggles to breathe around it, the remains drowning her, and she's stumbling aimlessly through the large kitchen area looking for some indication of which way is up. Gripping the counter for support she tries to catch her breath, to find some form of brain function that will allow her to process that her best friend, the boy she's desperately in love with, is dating not just anyone - but the girl she shares a dorm with. The girl who hates Beca, who Beca hates in return, the girl who...

Fuck.

How did she not see this?! The tense atmosphere when they were both in the same room, the hushed conversations when they thought she wasn't looking, the extended absences, the secrecy and the hiding and the strange glint in his eyes after he finally resurfaced. It has all been so obvious that stupid, stupid Beca didn't even think to put the pieces together.

"Beca, wait!" Jesse rushes into the room after her, desperately searching her out, his expression frantic. Go away, she wants to yell at him, I loved you and you broke me and I can't even look at you right now. "Please, just let me explain!"

"What is there to explain, Jesse?" she says monotonously, taking calculated steps around the counter, making sure every time that her feet will hold her and not lead to her crashing down with the rest of her world. "You're screwing my roommate. Congratulations."

"I'm not..." He starts but then stills, taking in her perfect mask. Jesse knows the look, she knows he does, and he hates it – he's told her repeatedly so, and there's a sick sense of mild satisfaction at the way his shoulders go slack at the slight of it. "Don't cut yourself off, let me talk to you."

"I really do not need to hear the sordid details of your little affair." Pulling open the fridge for something - anything - to do, she stares unseeingly at the contents, until he slams it shut and a steely determination fuels him to grab her wrists and pull her towards him, his jaw tense and his attitude stubborn.

"Beca Mitchell, just stop and let me explain."

It's enough. She had been so close to snapping anyway, and his demand that she actually spend her time listening to his pitiful excuses pushes her over the edge. It's enough because she's had enough.

"How could you - How could you?!" she accuses, surprised by the amount of betrayal in her tone. "This is why you've been so distant, isn't it? Why you go missing for days? Oh my god I'm such an idiot -"

"I'm sorry, really, I didn't mean to... To leave you behind like that. I didn't - I didn't even notice, how ridiculous is that? I didn't notice how terribly I was treating my best friend."

Swallowing down the tears that prickle at her eyes, she can't manage more than a whisper as she asks, "How long?" He does not reply and she runs her fingers through her hair, her voice rising too high as she repeats, "How long, Jesse?"

"I don't know really." Jesse looks away for a moment, like he's intent on the memories of her in his head and she feels a little sick. "It was... Stupid, at first. I didn't like her, because she was mean to you and... And then there were a few times we ended up alone in your room and... I don't know, she just... She seemed cool, you know? Then we bumped into each other at a party, and the Treble's performed at a gathering held by her sorority and... Somewhere along the line we just started hanging out and then that turned into a few dates and..."

If she had felt queasy before, she feels horrendous now, as she steps away from him, unable to bear the weight that is crushing down on her as his betrayal of her sinks in. "And all the texting! The secret phone calls! Oh my - fuck, Jesse, seriously?!"

"Okay," he says soothingly, holding up his hands in an attempt to calm her down, "I know you're mad I kept this from you but -"

"There is no 'but' in this situation and that isn't just why I'm mad at you! I mean, Iris?! Really? You couldn't have chosen any other girl on campus to sleep with?" She steps back again, needing the space that he won't give because he's following her, grabbing for her again desperately. "Jesse - stop! Stop touching me!"

He holds his hands up in surrender again, letting her put space between them, and she tries hard to not think of it as a representation of the distance between them recently. She's so mad, so hurt, and he must see it because he's getting more and more frantic, trying desperately to explain himself. "Beca, please, can you just calm down -"

"Calm down? Fuck no! You - you lied to me! You lied to me! And we - we promised! Fuck, Jesse, what have you done?"

"Jesse? B-Beca?" Cassie appears in the kitchen, and Beca pales at the sight of the younger girl who looks a little frightened by all the shouting. How much had she heard? How long had she been standing there, watching her brother and his friend fall apart?

Rushing towards her - and a little glad for the break from the intensity of the fight that was too quickly developing between her and Jesse - Beca leans down and strokes Cassie's mousy brown hair, smiling softly into her dark eyes.

"Hey there, monkey. I'm sorry for the noise; your brother is just being an idiot."

"Beca..." Jesse sighs behind her, but she ignores him, continuing to focus her attention on the child in front of her.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"Mama said I have to go to bed and I wanted to say goodnight first."

"Well how about we go get your pyjamas on and ready, yeah? Sound fun?"

Cassie grabs onto Beca's hand, looking around to her big brother. "Are you coming?"

Jesse hesitates, taking in Beca's replaced mask. He never looks away as he replies to his sister, "Sure, Cas, I'll come with you."

They both walk somewhat reluctantly towards the stairs, Cassie babbling on about the excitement of getting to stay up so late. Beca and Jesse do not speak, and she does not return his gaze. She needs the break, the chance to put her thoughts in order that he so easily messes up when he watches her so intently.

It hurts. Jesse has never really dated anyone in all the time she has known him, so she had never really thought about it and how she'd feel about it. But Iris? Is she the representation of his 'type'? Is she his idea of the perfect girl? Beca cannot compete with that. She isn't peppy or ditsy or overzealous or flirty or anything at all like her. How does she ever stand a chance if that's what he goes for?

There's also a part of her, the part of her being squashed away by its more dominant counterpart, that is still rational. That, as his best friend, is angry at him. She is mad that he has chosen a girl like Iris, a girl she knows is not exactly the nicest person on the planet, a girl who is so undeserving of his warmth and compassion and his heart. Iris is not good enough for Jesse. Not even close.

Cassie leads them into her bedroom, still talking a mile a minute about the activities of the evening, so it takes them quite a stretch of time to quell her hyperactive ramblings enough to get her dressed into her pyjamas and ready for bed. Jesse kisses her on the forehead, ruffling her hair fondly and heading to the door, and Beca accepts the hug Cassie offers her. Cassie has always been Beca's second favourite Swanson, and her over-perceptiveness combined with her child-like view on the world is probably what influences the words Cassie whispers into Beca's ear.

"Don't let my brother be so silly. He loves having you around too much to be able to see you so sad."

Beca withdraws a little, smiling down at her. "I'm not sad, monkey."

"Yes you are. And I don't like to see you sad. So don't let my idiot big brother hurt you and instead just…" Cassie's smile grows and it's oddly similar to Jesse's, Beca thinks. "Just tell him how you feel."

Beca laughs, not sure what to say, so she gently pushes on the girl's shoulders to get her to settle back into her pillow. "Okay, Cassie. Goodnight."

Jesse's hand on her back guides her towards their room once she's gently shut Cassie's bedroom door, but she shakes him off as soon as she understands where they're going. It's dark so he turns on the light, illuminating the mess they left it in earlier with clothes strewn everywhere and both of their beds unmade, back when they were laughing and joking and enjoying themselves and not possibly being ripped apart by a revealed secret.

It is a while before either of them speaks; Beca heads straight for her side of the room, folding up her clothes for something to do with her hands, while Jesse falls into the window seat, looking out on the white marquee below. Neither know what to say, the silence killing them little by little, yet she refuses to be the first to speak. No - this is his fault, he can be the one to try and fix it.

Eventually, Jesse exhales heavily and quietly says, "Can we start again please?"

To which she tiredly replies, "I don't know."

"I should have told you sooner." Beca hears him moving behind her but she keeps herself turned away, not ready to face any of this, yet being forced to all the same. "You're right, I am an idiot. I thought that if I told you when it first happened, that you'd be mad at me and I don't know, I guess I thought it was a one-time thing." He's closer, she can feel him, and the edges of her broken heart throb. The shirt in her hands falls back onto her mattress. "It was a stupid drunken kiss at first. It was... It didn't mean anything; not really; not then. I barely even remembered until I saw her in your room the day before Halloween, and she didn't seem any different so I figured she didn't remember either."

Beca doesn't know what to say - is there anything to say? - so she keeps her lips pressed together and silent. He's just behind her, so close she can feel his body heat, but she carries on folding clothes like he never started talking.

"Then after we woke up the morning after Halloween and went back to yours and you went to shower... She confronted me about it and - she said she likes me, Bec, and I just thought; why not?"

Beca's eyes snap shut against the burn of tears behind her nose. No, she will not cry over this. She will not waste her tears.

"And I knew there were a lot of answers to that question and that it was stupid to... To think this would be okay and just; look, I'm sorry, really and truly." Jesses hand reaches out enough to graze her and her breathing hitches in its controlled conditioning to stop herself from breaking down. "I guess I didn't think it would go anywhere, and why make it more awkward for you and her? But... It did go somewhere. And then it became less a thing of protecting you and more just... Never finding the right time, never knowing when you'd be okay with it."

Beca clenches her fists, fighting hard the tears still springing to her eyes. One falls, and she lets go of a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "What…" Her voice croaks so she tries again. "What do you want me to say, Jesse?"

"I don't know," he says heavily, and she steps around so she's facing him, letting him see the tear track and the pain because he should know how very not okay she still is about this.

"I'm serious, tell me what to say because I don't know right now. I'm so mad at you, because you just…" She clutches her hands up in frustration, trying to find the words to explain herself. "You didn't trust me, Jesse. You… You say you didn't tell me to protect me but that's bullshit. We both know you kept it from me because you were protecting yourself."

"I just… I didn't want to hurt you, Beca," he says gently, reaching for her hand but she snatches it away. They can't be like that anymore.

"Well congratulations on that front, you did really well," she says sarcastically.

"Beca…"

"I hope you're very happy together," she manages in barely a whisper. "But right now… I need to just –"

She throws her hands up, moving to walk away, but his sudden grip around her arm is tight enough to make her cry out as he yanks her back to him. Loosening his hold, he keeps it firm as he stares into her eyes, her soul, and it's so intense that she can't remember how to breathe because he's so close, so powerful over her small frame. She needs to look away to calm her erratic heart but seems to have lost the ability, imprisoned by his dark brooding eyes.

"Stop walking away from me," he breathes.

She can feel it in her chest, how the binds between them are being pulled taut, being tested to their extreme. It suffocates her; he suffocates her; he's still just staring right through her, like he's able to see every one of her secrets, of her hidden desires and passions and all of them relate to him, and it's like he knows it, daring her to stop lying to the world and just do it.

So she does.

The crack of her hand against his cheek seems to echo around the room, her skin tingling from the contact, and yet he looks barely affected, like she didn't just bitch slap him with a scary amount of force. Beca's expression falls as she realises what she's done, horror leaking through her veins, but he's already shaking his head, his brown eyes so very, very calm.

"Did that help?"

"No." She presses the same hand back to his tender cheek, matching up the red imprint of her hand to the real thing. The skin is hot and it makes another tear escape. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I deserve it."

Beca leans her forehead against his shoulder, trying to gain some form of composure. "I don't know what to say to you," she admits eventually, and his hand hesitantly rests on her hip, his thumb stroking in soothing circles, and she lets it calm her, slowly easing the pain caused by his revelation.

"I don't know either," he says sadly. Her hand falls from his cheek as she inhales deeply, letting the smell of his favourite cologne infiltrate her lungs before exhaling and stepping back, his arm dropping back to his side and his brown eyes full of anguish. The space helps clear her head just a little, so when she next meets his gaze, she doesn't feel so horribly on display, clueless and vulnerable.

There is nothing he can say to make any of it okay, that can make up for her months of confusion as her best friend began to pull away. In the way he seems cautious to approach her again, but desperate to do so anyway - his hands are twitching by his side and his gaze flickering all over her body, never seeming to rest - she can see just how sorry he his, how he really never did intend to hurt her.

And Jesse doesn't even really know the full extent of her pain. He doesn't know how she feels; how seeing him sometimes makes her forget everything, past and present; how he knows her so completely because she trusts him unfalteringly; how, when he touches her, she feels like the most special person on the planet. Jesse can't possibly know why she is reacting so badly, because she's never had the guts to tell him how she feels in the first place.

So she bites her tongue and tries to think of a happier place as she says, "Does she make you happy?"

"I don't know," he confesses with an uneasy shrug, "It's too early to tell, I guess. I just... I know I like her, and that I - I enjoy spending time with her. And I want you to like her, Beca, because you know your opinion means everything and..." He trails off when she just stares blankly at him, stepping slowly towards her to take her hand softly in his own. "You'd like her, if you gave her a shot. She's funny and easy going and nice; I know you don't think so but she is, truly, once you get to know her."

Beca smiles sadly despite the tight aching in her chest that makes the colours of the world seem too dull, too lifeless. "You really couldn't have picked anyone else?" she says again, but her tone is lighter despite her glassy eyes, causing him to exhale in quiet relief and pull her by their joined hands into him, engulfing her in an emotionally-charged hug that makes the just-disappeared tears spring up again.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair, over and over, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry."

Beca surrenders to the hold, letting her weight lean into him and her arms loop around him, her head falling once more onto his chest with his heart steadily beating in a familiar pattern to her attuned ears. His grip tightens and his heart flutters for just a moment. It occurs to her this might be the last time they get to be like this.

It would seem the only thing standing between Jesse and Iris becoming public knowledge is Beca.

Or was, because she knows now and, when her feet hit Barden soil the first day back, so, it seems, do the rest of the campus. There are a lot of strange glances and Beca feels just about as uncomfortable as humanly possible, Jesse at her side talking a mile a minute and apparently unaware of the way everyone is watching them, judging them, talking about them -

She might be overreacting. She's not sure on much these days.

"Beca have you been listening to a word I just said?" Jesse asks, finally catching her attention again as she stares at him in surprise for a moment before nodding quickly, her gaze turning promptly back to the path ahead.

"Yeah, totally," she lies, and then, "I'm just going to go to my room, unpack and stuff..."

Jesse looks nervous again as he opens his mouth to speak, losing the words as a brisk breeze hits Beca and causes her to realise the reason behind his own discomfort.

"Oh. Of course."

"I'm sorry, I know this is really awkward," he rushes to apologise, adjusting his hold on his suitcase as they approach her building, "Its weird for all of us but we can figure it out, right? it doesn't have to stay this way."

"Jesse, its fine, chill." Though its not but, Beca tries to reassure him anyway. "I have a Bella's meeting in an hour anyway." It's a lie, but it gets the job done.

"Already?"

"Aubrey's a control freak remember." Beca walks through the external door to her building when Jesse holds it open for her and they walk the rest of the journey to her room in an unfamiliar silence, lugging their respective bags behind them. Beca pulls her keys from her pocket, taking a moment longer than needed in order to try and prepare herself for the impossible pain that waited on the other side of the door.

"H-Hi." Iris immediately stands from her seat on the edge of her bed, her eyes dancing over Beca and her awkward stance. Beca grimaces as she stumbles into the room, deliberately keeping her back turned when Jesse makes it in behind her after getting around her heavy suitcase. The tension in the air is palpable and is already suffocating her, tugging on the scars of her heart uncomfortably as she tries to look as busy as possible.

"Beca," Jesse says in a way that makes her feel a little like a scolded child, and she waits a second before twisting around, letting herself have a few more seconds without knowing the image of the two of them together. Iris stares unfalteringly at Jesse and he stares unfalteringly at Beca, begging her with his eyes to be polite or something that resembles it.

"Congratulations," she says with a little too much malice to be deemed sincere.

"I know this is strange," Iris begins in her squeaky voice, and Beca has to try hard to resist the urge to punch her in the face, "but know I have zero intention of getting between you two. I know you guys are tight, and I'm not about to be that girl who ruins a great friendship."

Beca gives her a hard stare while Jesse smiles at her supportively. "She knows that," he assures Iris, though Beca doesn't, because its far too late for that to mean a thing.

"I'm gonna go," Beca blurts out, desperate to get out of the room and away from the heavy atmosphere that is still choking her.

Jesse frowns suspiciously from beside the door. "I thought practice started in an hour."

"I'm hungry," Beca states, though she is anything but, her appetite long gone since the first second of the year. She hasn't eaten properly in almost a week.

"I'll come with you," Jesse tries, but Beca's phone buzzes in her pocket as she firmly shakes her head, shooting him a dirty look because he knows full well she wants to be alone.

From: Stacie 1:24pm

I have a Ben, Jerry or Jack desperate for some Beca loving so get that cute little butt over here.

Beca feels a gentle smile spread across her face, and she looks up to Jesse who's eyeing her still, grabbing her keys from her mattress. "No thanks, I'm already meeting some people."

Without a glance back, Beca strides out of the room as quickly as she can, closing the door with a little too much force. She tries to let the noise take away the image of them, burned into her brain despite the fact Jesse never approached Iris, but its ingrained in the worst way, haunting her and taunting her every time she closed her eyes.

So she rushes for the staircase at the end of the hallway, running to the floor above and trying to remember where Stacie's dorm is. Successfully finding it after a few wrong turns, she knocks and Stacie almost immediately throws open the door, her arms reaching out to her and engulfing her in a hug that gives Beca too good a view of her ample cleavage.

"I just heard today, I'm so sorry Beca," the brunette says gravely, releasing her almost as quickly as she had taken her. Beca flicks her hair away from her face and steps into the tastefully done, red-themed side of Stacie's dorm, falling straight onto the bed with her head in the pillows, not caring to look around at anything else. The intensity of the breif time spent in her dorm settles over her like a ton of bricks and Beca groans quietly, trying to stop the tears that seem to always be ready and waiting recently.

Stacie sits gently by her feet, patting her calf until Beca remembers who's room this is, quickly sitting back up like the sheets have just burnt her.

"How are you coping?" Stacie asks in concern, but Beca just shakes her head tiredly, not at all in the mood to discuss the topic she'd been unable to stop thinking about for five days. The move makes Stacie watch her strangely before she nods to herself and stretches an arm under her bed, struggling a minute until she's pulling out a bottle of rich, dark liquid with an all too familiar black label.

Beca has never been so happy so see alcohol in all her life.

Stacie tells her (far too graphic) tales of her trip back home as Beca very quickly drinks the vast majority of the bottle. She is glad that the girl opposite her is not asking questions, forcing her into discussing things she doesn't want to talk about, because why would she want to talk about Jesse and Iris anyway?

"What kind of name is Iris?" Beca spits out in the middle of Stacie's story about her old high school boyfriend trying to get her back - or just get back in her pants, Beca had been too focused on drinking. Stacie accepts the dramatic change of topic in her stride, nodding enthusiastically as she takes a swig from the bottle, a half empty Ben & Jerrys tub clenched between her thighs.

"I don't even think that's an actual name, its just the name of a body part," Stacie scoffs. Beca makes a grabby motion towards her and Stacie holds up the two options, smirking at Beca's hesitance before she takes the ice cream and stuffs a large spoonful into her mouth.

"Exactly!" Beca manages around the melting deliciousness in her mouth, wincing when it hit a sensitive tooth. "Its like her parents tried to be original but just picked something stupid."

"Exactly!"

"And she's not even that interesting," Beca continues, scraping some more ice cream out the tub, "I mean, sure, she's pretty, in a classic, boring way that you see all the time."

"She's not even that pretty, I'm thinking that nose isn't real," Stacie says matter-of-factois, tapping her own nose with a delicately manicured finger.

"I wouldn't doubt that!" Beca holds out the ice cream and the girls switch. "And she's a sorority girl, like how cliche! And they're all just clones of each other, and yeah okay, so Iris has a good rack and nice legs and she's girly and bubbly and not afraid of... Of anything. She's flirty and exciting and smiley... And blonde... But that..." Beca's gets gradually more depressed, more quiet, until Stacie is prying the bottle out of her clenched fist and grabbing her face firmly, invading her personal space to prove a point.

"Beca, you are not one of those girls. I may not have known nones or long, but I know that this? Its not you. Beca Mitchell does not pine after a guy, Beca Mitchell doesn't put herself down to another girl's image. Beca Mitchell does not let one stupid little bitch get in her way of her relationship with that beautiful piece of man candy." Stacie's eyes bore into her and she can't look away, the words morphing her mind with every syllable. "Beca Mitchell? She is a badass. She doesn't take shit from no one, especially girls with made up names. Do not let this bitch get to you; you are a hundred times more woman than her, and if Jesse doesn't see what a great thing he already has? Screw him! It just means you deserve better."

But Beca, despite the inspiring words, can feel herself crumbling, because she doesn't deserve better. She doesn't even care; she just wants Jesse - needs him - so much that it aches her to the core. Beca had been the only one standing in her way before, but now? Now Jesse has Iris. Jesse doesn't need her anymore.

Beca blearily looks at the almost empty bottle and melting tub on the duvet beside her. Its okay if Jesse doesn't need her, right? She has Ben, Jerry And Jack to fall back on.