10. Sleepless night

Elliot couldn't sleep. He had spent some time with his children and older grandchildren in Elizabeth and George's room but he'd been a little distracted the whole time. Catherine was giving him concerned looks from time to time, and she seemed to be whispering to Kathleen a lot. Women. Finally in his hotel bed, he kept tossing and turning, going over everything again and again. Thinking about Olivia.

At the time, he'd thought he had made the right decision. But now ... He was so angry with himself. All this time, he'd imagined Olivia living a happy life with her family. It was the happy life he'd always wanted for her. Only somehow, he'd always pictured himself next to her, although he already had a family of his own. His marriage had been about to self-destruct for a long time but he'd done everything in his power to save it. To keep his family together. And Olivia had helped. She had always supported him and pushed him back to Kathy. Back to his kids. Away from her. And when he was finally able to admit to her how he really felt - well, sort of - she ran. He knew there were feelings between them and that it wasn't just him. But she was going to keep on ignoring those feelings, denying them even. So when she came back after a while, they had continued working together as if nothing had happened, nothing had been said and nothing had been denied.

And then he'd left, after the shooting. His life had imploded on him and he just had to get away. Away from the job, away from the city and away from his family. Going back to the Marines had been his salvation and once he was sent overseas, he'd been able to clear his mind at last. In the Marines, goals and methods were clear. There was no ambiguity, no second-guessing signals, no grey areas. They had a clear mission with clear parameters. It had been good to be away and to shake off his doubts about his life and his decisions. Going through with the divorce had been the right thing to do. He missed Eli, a lot, but he knew everyone would be better off in the end, including Eli. He shouldn't grow up in a house filled with tension and unspoken arguments. Because over time, their arguments hadn't been loud anymore. In stead, they had been dead silent. Everyone was better off this way. Kathy had found a new man to love and his kids had all understood eventually. That was why they could all come to the family reunion that the children had initiated after a couple of years, and get along again.

Melvin was okay. He loved Kathy and he was good to her. He'd been a widower when they met, no kids, so he thoroughly enjoyed the big family he'd gotten when he married Kathy. The new generation called him grandpa Melvin. He was happy for Kathy.

Kathleen had sent him newspaper clippings one day, about Olivia. She'd been wise enough to send them after the demon who had taken her was dead. Elliot had spent quite a bit of time out in the field at night, screaming at the top of his lungs and running until he had no energy left to scream anymore. He'd been sick for a whole week but he'd battled on nonetheless, not wanting to let his platoon down.

The weight of not being there for her had been almost too much to bear. It was finally lifted, at least partially, when he saw her happy, carefree face that afternoon. She was still such a strong person. She was stronger than he was.

He'd tried dating after walking away from that playground. He really had. But it wasn't fair to the women he met because his heart wasn't in it. He enjoyed their company, the distraction they offered him, and he thought they had liked spending time with him. But any attempt to get into a serious relationship had been doomed from the start. Olivia had taken up permanent residence in his heart, and her presence there hadn't faded over time like he had expected. On the contrary. As time went on, missing her seemed to gnaw at him even more. And so he stopped dating altogether and just lived for the job. He'd made it all the way up to Master Sergeant and had been a drill instructor the last eight years of his working career.

He wondered what she was thinking now. If she was lying awake like he was, thinking about him. They used to text each other on sleepless nights like this, and suddenly he wished he had her number. He swallowed hard when he felt tears well up in his eyes. He wouldn't know what to say to her, but he did know one thing. He couldn't leave things the way they were. He had to do something. Soon.

...

The next morning, Noah called his sister, asking if they could meet. He was coming to her dorm room around ten. Sarah gathered that whatever her brother wanted to discuss with her, had to be serious. He never came to her dorm room. When he explained to her what had happened when Catherine's grandfather had come to pick her up at their mother's, she understood.

"Oh my!" she exclaimed, jumping up from her bed where she'd been sitting. "You think they had an affair when they were younger?"

"Sarah!" Noah sighed.

It was just like his sister to go for the spicy details immediately.

"Okay okay. So, did you talk to mom about it?" Sarah said, sitting back down opposite her brother, who was sitting on her roommate's bed.

"Yeah."

"And? Come on Noah, I need details."

"They used to work together. Apparently, Mr. Stabler was a cop for a long time before becoming a career Marine," Noah explained. "He quit rather suddenly but came back to see her after a couple of years. He saw her with me and another kid, and didn't approach her. Said he'd come back too late because she had a family of her own now."

"And?" Sarah asked, a little impatiently. "Were they involved?"

"I don't think so," Noah said, trying to remember what his mother had said exactly. "Mom said that they loved each other and that they both hurt each other. When he told her about his feelings, she took off. She didn't want him to leave his family for her."

"Yeah, that sounds like mom," Sarah said, nodding. "So when she took off, he quit too?"

Noah bit his lip. He wasn't sure yet exactly what had happened when.

"She said that when he told her about his feelings for her, she pushed him away. Maybe she didn't take off literally, because she said very clearly that he was the one who walked out of her life when he retired from the NYPD."

"And yesterday he walked back in, after ... how long?"

"Twenty-four years."

"Dang. That's a long time."

"But they still affect each other, Sarah. A lot."

"We need to help them get back together," Sarah stated.

"That's exactly why I'm here. Catherine is trying to get some more intel from her family and her granddad, and I'm going to check online if there's anything about them as work partners."

"So what do you want me to do, Noah?"

"Talk to mom? Woman to woman?"

Sarah smiled. Her brother could be a real dork sometimes, but she really appreciated him and the way he treated her like an adult now. She would always be his little sister, but hearing him call her a woman made her happy. Talking to their mother woman to woman might be a challenge, because they were so completely different, but she gladly accepted the assignment. If there was a chance to get their mother back together with a man she truly cared about, she wanted to do her part. Her mom deserved it.

"Okay. Sounds like a plan. Maybe I can go a little early on Sunday afternoon so I can talk to her before you show up for dinner."

"That would be great, but what about today?"

Sarah grinned.

"It's Saturday, big brother. I have plans!"

Noah raised an eyebrow and Sarah giggled.

"I have to work this afternoon and I've got a date tonight. A double date actually. Me and Jen are meeting up with two seniors."

"Do I even wanna know who you're meeting?" Noah sighed.

"Nope."

He nodded and sighed.

"Just be careful, okay?"

Sarah stood up and gave her brother a hug.

"I will, promise. That's why I'm going with Jen and not alone."

...

"Benson, you're getting old," Olivia huffed when she dragged herself out of bed around ten on Saturday morning.

She had barely slept all night and had finally dozed off in the early morning hours, and now she felt like a wreck. Her muscles and bones were aching and she felt every single one of her sixty-five years today. She was trying to stay fit, eating healthy, jogging at least twice a week, albeit not as fast as she used to, and taking long brisk walks regularly. She would visit the graves of the people she missed, and tell them about her day and about the kids. She really didn't feel well this morning but somehow, she knew she was going to visit one of her friends today. Her first thought had been Donald Cragen. She wished she could ask him what she should do about Elliot, now that he'd reappeared so unexpectedly. But her old Captain had died a few years ago of old age. Natural causes, as it should be. They had kept in touch over the years and she really missed him, his fatherly advice and his genuine concern for her well-being.

Cragen had confessed to her years after the fact, that he still felt guilty about what had happened to her with Lewis. If he hadn't sent her home for a few days, if he had bothered to check in with her that night, if they had taken better care of Mrs. Parker ... They had talked about it, a lot, and it had been therapeutic for both of them. She didn't blame him, of course. Like she had always told other survivors, there is nobody to blame except the person who assaulted you. She had overcome the shame and the guilt, the feeling that it shouldn't have happened to her because she knew better. She had aligned herself with other survivors, and once she had truly accepted herself as one of them, someone who wasn't to blame for her own assault, she had been able to reach them better. She was one of them and wasn't afraid of it anymore. She had healed, for the most part and her scars had become a symbol of her healing. They were still there, but not prominent anymore. There would always be traces left but they didn't stand out anymore. What had happened to her, didn't define her. In stead, how she had coped with what had happened, what she had learned from it and how she had used it for good in stead of evil, that defined her. She was proud of how she had overcome her trauma eventually. Not in a few months. Not in a few years. But she had come out on top in the end.

Today, she wished she could talk to Donald Cragen one more time, but talking to his tombstone would have to do. She made a quick breakfast, and after her first cup of coffee, she was starting to feel a little human again. It wasn't raining anymore but she suspected it was still chilly, so she bundled up before heading outside to take the long walk to the cemetery where the Captain had been laid to rest. Walks like this gave her time to think while providing a purpose to her mornings. On her way back, she'd pick up some groceries, and she'd start looking forward to Sunday dinner, when the kids would come over. She smiled when she walked out of her building. How her life had changed since she retired. She was still adjusting, even after five years. But it had been the right time to retire and she didn't regret it. The younger generation had taken over and she'd left the Special Victims Unit in the capable hands of her replacement, who was young enough to be her son. It was time for her to relax now, and enjoy the calm. Captain Benson had followed Captain Cragen's example. He had enjoyed his life after his retirement thoroughly, together with his new friend Eileen.

Olivia stuffed her hands in her coat pockets and started walking. She had followed her Captain's example, only she was still alone. She'd talk to Cragen about that once she got to the cemetery and she'd listen to the advice that she knew he would have given to her. She could practically hear his voice if she listened carefully, and she had found she could always listen better at his grave. So that was where she needed to go today.

...

To be continued. Your feedback is appreciated.