Readers, forgive me, please. I'm a bad fanfic writer but as of today, I'm an author with completely finished YA novel in the hands of her editor and done, done, done. Hallelujah. This time next year, you'll find it in bookstores, but in the meantime...I have a fanfic to tie up (or get close to tying up) before the start of 5B! So away we go...
"You know where you're going?" Emma asked Regina.
"Unfortunately, yes," Regina answered. "Are we ready?"
"You'll keep an eye on them?" Emma asked Belle.
She grasped Emma's hand. "No one will get past Rumple. They'll be safe at Camelot with us."
"As will Henry," Rumple reassured her. His eyes shifted to Regina. "You have my word."
Regina nodded. "Let's get this done. We've got a witch to fry."
Killian pulled Meriel and Finn close for one last hug. "Behave, the two of you," he said. "Treat Miss Belle with respect or it'll go badly for you when your mother and I return."
"Don't look at me," Meriel said, crossing her arms. "I'm not the one who causes problems."
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Hey!" Emma gave them both a warning look. "Do we need to leave you with Granny instead?"
Finn blanched and Meriel glanced nervously at the door to the kitchens.
"No," they both answered.
"I'll keep an eye on them," Henry assured his mother. "And I'll be careful. I promise."
"We'll be back as fast as we can," Emma said. "Now back up, everyone. We're dropping the bean."
The group moved away, giving Emma, Regina and Killian plenty of room.
"What should we expect from this oracle?" Killian asked.
Regina let out a mirthless laugh. "I cannot begin to describe the experience. I'll just say this...stay on your toes. She's deceiving. And clever."
"Aren't the oracles usually really smart?" Emma asked. "They know everything, right?"
"She's not smart. She's clever," Regina corrected. "Clever is worse."
"Drop the bloody bean," Killian griped. "We're wasting time."
Regina nodded. "One...two...three!"
She tossed the bean, and with a flash of light, they were through.
"What the hell?" Killian looked around with wide eyes. They appeared to be on the outskirts of a swamp, and before them lay...
"A trailer park?" Emma looked confused - mainly because she was. "The oracle lives in a trailer park?"
"Are we back in Storybrooke's realm, then?" Killian asked.
"No," Regina said, stepping carefully through the tall grass toward a dingy, dirt and mold-covered trailer sporting a screen door that was hanging half-off its hinges. Below that, a mostly rotted, ramshackle wooden porch with stairs that led down to a garbage-strewn yard, complete with a lone toilet converted to a planter (with the remains of a dead plant in the bowl). A filthy flowered couch sat in the yard, with the springs partially exposed in one cushion.
"What realm is this?" Emma asked.
"The oracle lives in a realm all her own," Regina said, wrinkling her nose as the strong scent of skunk crossed with urine assailed their nostrils. "Watch your step," she said. "There are all sorts of piles of...nastiness in the grass."
"Charming," Killian remarked, as they picked their way toward the porch.
Regina mounted the creaking steps and knocked on the door.
"Whatta ya'll want?" A man's voice bellowed. "If ya'll are sellin' sumthin', we ain't buyin'!"
"We've come to see the oracle!" Regina called back.
"You got payment?"
Regina rolled her eyes. "Yes."
The door flew open and a cloud of stale cigarette smoke wafted on the breeze to them. Emma waved a hand in front of her face, following Regina inside, with Killian close behind.
The trailer was littered with empty bags of chips and cheese puffs. Overflowing ashtrays were on every table, and fast food cups and empty containers lay strewn across the surfaces and in many places, the floor. An unkempt man, rail-thin with a pock-marked complexion and yellowed teeth peered out at them from under a stained baseball cap. His sleeveless shirt was also stained, particularly under the arms, and his hair was long and greasy.
"Ain't you Regina?" the man said.
"Hello, Cleetus," Regina answered formally. She forced a smile. "So nice to see you again."
He hocked up something foul from the depths of his sinuses and spit it toward one corner as Emma tried valiantly to keep her breakfast down.
"Who're they?" Cleetus asked, narrowing his eyes at Emma and Killian.
"They're business associates," Regina said smoothly. "We all have business with the oracle."
"Triple payment," he snarled.
"But we only have one question," Regina objected.
"Triple." He hocked and spit again, and Regina's face twisted in a look of extreme distaste.
"Oh, very well." Regina waved her hand, and she was suddenly holding a carton of cigarettes. Emma glanced down to see the large bag of Cheetos now clutched in her fist, and Killian pulled up the six pack of beer he was holding.
"I'll be collectin' those," Cleetus said with a creepy sideways smile. "Then ya'll can go on back."
Regina handed over the cigarettes, carefully stepping around the piles of trash, and motioned the others to follow. Emma dutifully handed over her Cheetos and glanced back at Killian, who was looking down at his beer with serious consideration.
"Killian," she nudged. "Give it up."
He rolled his eyes and handed the six pack over. Cleetus gave him a nod and a belch, and off they went down the trash-strewn hallway. Several faded and curled posters were thumbtacked to the wall, and a streak of something clumpy and brown trailed down the wall for several feet.
Regina hesitated at the door. "Be very careful in here," she warned. "The oracle will only answer one question, so don't be stupid and ask her how her day is going."
"Who's Prince Charming out there?" Emma asked, jerking a thumb over her shoulder.
"That's Cleetus. He's her priest."
"That man is a priest?" Killian asked incredulously.
"Don't be deceived by appearances," Regina reminded them again. "And for the love of all you hold holy, don't offend her. You don't want to face a pissed-off oracle."
Emma gave her a wary nod, and Killian added his as Regina reached for the doorknob, turned it, and stepped inside.
Emma thought she was prepared for anything, but her eyes widened as she took in the sight before her. This room, like the others, was strewn with garbage and food containers. There was a distinct smell of unwashed body that was overpowering to the point of nausea. An old TV in the corner blared out some kind of soap opera, and a ratty flowered sheet hung over the curtain rod of the one window at a crooked angle.
In the very center of the room, on a filthy mattress with no box spring, propped up on a stack of discolored and tattered pillows lay an enormous woman in a house dress. Her bulk strained at its seams, and parts of her body hung over the sides of the mattress. Two hairy legs with dry, cracked feet poked out from under the house dress. Her greasy hair was shoved into curlers all over her head, and she was missing several teeth. A half-eaten bowl of popcorn, dripping with butter, sat on one of the folds of her stomach.
She gave a loud, barking laugh that turned into the wheezing cough of a life-long smoker. She pointed at the television set.
"Just a sec," she said. "I'm watching my stories. Natalie there," she pointed at the woman on the screen, "has to finish telling Ross that the baby ain't his. Like he didn't know."
She laughed again, and the popcorn tipped off her stomach, spreading all over her as the bowl fell to the floor. She didn't miss a beat, she only continued eating by picking the food off her body.
Regina kept her smile in place as they all waited politely. Finally, the oracle reached under her enormous girth and dug out crud-encrusted remote control, shutting the television off. She eyed Regina shrewdly.
"Yer back," she said. "You in another pickle?"
"Something like that," Regina said. She gestured to Emma and Killian. "Nadine, I'd like you to meet Princess Emma and Sir Killian, of the Enchanted Forest."
Nadine gave them a slow once-over as she picked a popcorn hull out of a rotted tooth with her pinky finger before wiping it on the the chest of her house dress."What's up?" she asked.
"Can you -" Emma stopped abruptly as Regina smacked her in the back. She turned to look at her and realized her mistake. "We need the answer to a question," she rephrased.
"Don't everybody?" Nadine said with a smirk. She pointed a grubby finger at Regina. "This 'un showed up wanting to know the best way to get rid of your parents." Her eyes shifted back to Regina. "I'm guessin' that didn't go so good."
"I thought you got the curse from Rumplestiltskin," Emma said to Regina.
"And he got the know-how from me," Nadine said, digging in her behind to get at an itch. "Then he asked me to tell her to come git it when she came asking." She pulled her fingers to her nose, giving them an experimental sniff before wiping the hand on the side of her dress.
"We're wasting time," Killian gently reminded, as he fought hard to keep his disgust off his face.
"He's right," Emma said. She turned to Nadine. "Do you know of a fire that can destroy a tapestry created with wool made by dark magic and golden fleece, but not kill anyone trapped within it?"
Nadine let out a laugh, exposing the few blackened teeth in her mouth. "You mean Morgan's little project, right?"
"That's right," Regina said. "She's got someone trapped and we need to free them and defeat her."
Nadine motioned over to Killian. "You," she barked. "You got muscles. Come help me roll."
She reached her arms out and Killian stepped tentatively over to the side of the mattress. She grasped his hands, and said, "Pull!"
Killian pulled as hard as he could, really putting his back into it, and after a few attempts, Nadine rolled to her side. She immediately let out a long, wet stream of flatulence, the like of which no one had ever smelled before. It was something akin to rotted meat and foul swamp water. Nadine gave a loud sigh as she expelled the last of it.
"Ahhh. That's better. You can roll me back now," she said, giving Killian a smile. "Gorgeous." She added a wink and slimey tongue across her lips, and it was all Killian could do to keep the smile on his face as he helped her lay back.
"So here's the deal," she said, picking at the remaining popcorn she could find. "There's only two flames that can destroy wool from a golden fleece. First you got your Promethian Flame, but that's all the way the hell in Olympus, and that'll kill anybody dead that's trapped in that tapestry. I mean true dead. Doornail dead."
"We understand dead," Emma said impatiently.
Nadine's eyes narrowed. "Yer an snotty 'lil thang, ain't ya?"
Regina's smile widened. "Don't pay her any attention," she said, stepping in smoothly. "The girl isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean."
"I got a bathroom needs cleanin'," Nadine threatened. "Miss High-And-Mighty might want to rethink her tone before I put her to work and teach her some manners."
Emma's eyes widened. "I'm sorry. Really. Please, go on. I'll just be over here...shutting up."
"That's better," Nadine said, slightly mollified. "Now, where was I?"
"The Promethian Flame," Regina reminded.
"Well, that ain't no good," Nadine said. "It'll destroy the tapestry for sure but turn it to dust in a heartbeat. You need somethin' a little more slow-burning. Somethin' that'll give the souls a little push to get out of there. Somethin' with reincarnation powers, to pull the souls through the fire and back to the world of the living before the last thread goes up in smoke."
She sucked at something stuck under her nail, then fixed them all with an exasperated look.
"A phoenix!" she huffed. "Ya'll need to find yerselves a phoenix."
"Is that in Olympus, too?" Emma asked.
Nadine's beady eyes grew malicious. "That's two. Ya only git one question."
And with that, she clapped her sticky hands and all three of them found themselves sitting in the murky water of the swamp, looking at a line of very interested crocodiles.
"Killian!" Emma shouted.
"Got it!" He said, throwing the bean down.
The portal throbbed and they dove in, landing hard in the courtyard at Camelot.
"Moms!" Henry shouted, running over to help Regina to her feet as Killian helped Emma up. "Did you get what we needed?"
"Part of it," Emma said, rubbing her sore and soggy backside. "We know what we need, we just don't know where to get it."
"Come on inside the hall," Henry said. "Grandpa and Belle are there - one of them's bound to have the answer."
Regina looked down at her soggy clothes in dismay. "I think we all need a bath first, Henry."
"I'll second that," Emma said. "I was actually kind of grateful for the swamp water. Who knows what we were stepping in?"
Killian made a face. "I may need to burn these clothes. At the very least, I'll need a bath and a lot of rum."
"We'll meet after dinner," Henry smiled.
"If we can eat dinner," Emma said. "I'm not sure I can ever eat again."
They walked into the castle, and Killian leaned in to speak to Emma. "I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine," he offered.
"You sure?" Emma smirked. "I'm not even half the woman Nadine was."
Emma jumped back as a crocodile suddenly landed in front of her. Regina magicked it away and gave Emma a look.
"Did I mention she was all-knowing?" she said. "That was a warning. Keep a civil tongue in your head or you may end up neck-deep in an outhouse. Or worse."
Emma followed mutely, forcing her mind away from any possible thought of the word "worse."