Author's note: Finally. I have three more chapters pretty much done including, of course, the last two, but I couldn't get past this one. Anyway, just a reminder. In this story, Robin=Subject #1, Cyborg=Subject #2, Beast Boy=Subject #3, Raven=Subject #4, Starfire=Subject #5, Kid Flash=Subject #6, Jinx=Subject #7
****
20 May 2008
(This was something I hadn't anticipated, especially after my first few sessions with members of the Titans. They were wary of me or frustrated at the fact that they had to talk to me. But (Subject #8) could have avoided ever dealing with me. The Order of the City Council said that I was to evaluate the Teen Titans living in Titans Tower in Jump City Bay and any auxiliary members present during the time that I conducted my evaluations. But there were no plans to call in auxiliary members from around the globe or to bring Titans East members to Jump City just for psychological evaluations.
The intent was that no one from Titans East and no other honorary or auxiliary member would be forced to see me. In fact, without saying it, we had essentially agreed that any others whom I didn't happen to bump into in the Tower would be off limits. Then, as I was leaving the Tower after my session with (Subject #4), there was (Subject #8), in his tight red suit, practicing. He was shooting arrows at a target bobbing in the bay at a distance that I guessed was about 500 yards away. He shot arrow after arrow, apparently practicing compensating for wind and current effects. In the few seconds I watched, he hit a target two feet across dead center four times out of five. I supposed it was the sort of thing he would practice but it was curious to me that he hadn't been told to simply stay out of sight a few more minutes. He could have easily avoided me. No one tracks the Titans' comings and goings. I had no idea he was even in the Tower. But, because I'd seen him, by the terms of the city council's order, I was required to schedule a psychological evaluation. I approached him, introduced myself and explained the situation. He was a bit offended but pretty quickly acquiesced. I offered to make myself available for a session the next day so that he wasn't forced to stay in Jump City or to make a return trip for no other reason and he quickly agreed to this. I made my way to the boat launch and back across the bay while (Subject #8) continued to seemingly effortlessly hit a target a in the middle of the bay.
I considered this apparent coincidence more and suspicions began to grow in my thoughts. They only increased when I got his file from Captain Doyle, the "metahuman control officer" at the Jump City Police Department. It said that (Subject #8) was, in many ways similar to (Subject #1). Along with his incredible ability as an archer, he was renowned as a fighter and tactician, extremely cagey and resourceful. Was it really an accident that he was outside and I saw him thereby requiring him to submit to an evaluation? I wondered.
I took the usual boat launch to their island and was greeted by (Subject #8) at the door in his usual uniform, all red with eyes concealing mask, a yellow utility belt at his narrow waist, a quiver of arrows over his shoulder and his bow in his right hand. He let me in the front door, the first subject to greet me at the door.
I could not help but compare him to his fellow redhead, (Subject #6) and it was instructive. I realized what sort of impression (Subject #6) had made only when thinking of him in comparison to (Subject #8). Where (Subject #6), despite his appearance and physique, projected the air of a boy on his school's math team or a member of the chess club, (Subject #8) was pure big man on campus jock. Everything from how he walked to his facial expressions, typically a lopsided smirk, to how he sat in the chair facing me to his tone of voice was pure alpha male sports star. (Subject #6) I realized, thinking back on it, had carefully entered and exited the elevator so that I didn't look at the back of his suit. (Subject #8) could not have cared less. But, though I suspected that he had allowed himself to be roped into an evaluation session, he seemed to make a pretense of not wanting to be there and after riding up in the elevator to the 6th floor, to the usual room, he put aside his bow and his quiver of arrows and plopped down in the chair opposite me and proceeded to just stare at me for a solid minute through a smirk.
He's a very handsome young man, slightly taller than (Subject #6) with red hair not quite as bright a color, cut shorter and meticulously styled. According to the information supplied by S.T.A.R. Labs, he stands six feet one and three quarters inches tall and weighs 173 pounds, terrifically well toned though not quite as well as the amazing (Subject #6). It was as though a slender high school all american quarterback or point guard had instead become a crime fighter. (Subject #8) has a bit of the same utterly commanding air about him that (Subject #1) has, part of that same alpha jock presence he has, I suppose but, in his case, with a bit of something else in there, too, not quite the same as (Subject #1). And maybe a bit of something else hard to place, maybe he's a bit of a wiseass, maybe a bit of a playboy. I did catch him looking at his reflection in the stainless steel of the elevator, looking at his reflection and enjoying it.
I couldn't see his eyes but I could detect some degree of facial expression change as he seemed to mentally go through a series of stages before he finally sighed and nodded to me.
I turned on the recorder.
DS: This session takes place at . . 2:05 P.M. on May 20, 2008 with Dr. David Silberman and . . .
#8: (Subject #8).
DS: I want to thank you for submitting to this evaluation session.
#8: Hey, it was in the rules.
DS: But I didn't even know you were here.
#8: I'm not trying to cheat.
DS: I didn't say you should. I'm just surprised that you made yourself available the way you did. Your colleagues have not been very enthusiastic about dealing with me.
#8: I didn't say I was enthusiastic. Where'd you get that? Just because I'm not some anal retentive killjoy wearing rastafarian colors doesn't mean I try and cheat.
DS: Fine. Um, your . . uh, your colleagues all paid me a dollar so that they were officially my clients and protected by the doctor client privilege. Do you, uh, do you have a dollar, to make it official?
(Subject #8 quickly opened a small compartment in his utility belt and produced a dollar which he handed to me.)
#8: There. Whose idea was that? Bat Mitzvah?
DS: Yup.
#8: He's good for that sort of thing. He's not as good a fighter as he thinks he is but he's a world class secretary. Haha! You want to hit a target the size of a teacup 500 yards away to take out the generator powering Slade's hideout, you need an archer. You want some case files collated? See a little bat.
DS: I see. Um, could you please remove your mask. It really is expected that I be able to look any subject in the eyes.
#8: (sighs) You're gonna make (Subject #1) take his off, too, right?
DS: Of course. The same rules apply.
(Subject #8 removes his mask)
#8 There. Okay now?
DS: Yes.
#8: I suppose they told you about me, not that they really understand.
DS: They?
#8: The ones you've already talked to. (Subject #7). (Subject #6). (Subject #5). (Subject #4).
DS: Whether they did or not, I can't say. That would be revealing the confidence of another client. What faith could you have in me if I told you what the other Titans said?
#8: Uh huh. Well. Doesn't matter. I know they talk about me and my interests and what they say.
DS: Do you? What do they say?
(long pause)
#8: It doesn't matter. Go ahead, Doc. Evaluate.
DS: Evaluate?
#8: Yeah. Do whatever it is that you do, which, if you don't mind my asking, is what?
DS: Well, it's kind of open ended.
#8: So . . it wasn't the same with all the other Titans?
DS: No. I just want to talk to each of you and get an idea of your state of mind and how aware you are of the ethical considerations of your-your job, how much you're in control of yourselves. But it can take any form. You can use this as a therapy session if you wish.
#8: (Subject #6) did, didn't he?
DS: Why-why do you say that?
#8: I can tell from how you say that that it's true. Isn't it Doc?
DS: I . . I can't tell you about other sessions. That would be unethical.
#8: Fine. Whatever. I know what (Subject #6)'s like. I'm not dissing him. Hell, I envy him, his thing with (Subject #7).
DS: It's more than a 'thing', isn't it? They're married.
#8: I know. But it's not the ring and the ceremony and all that crap it's the-they way they feel. (long pause) And she's so freaking hot. The whole cat-eyed bad girl thing she has going does it for me. It really does it for me. I envy him. But they're a good pair. I mean, look at him. What an awesome physique.
DS: Mmm-hmm?
#8: You met him.
DS: Yes. A couple times in addition to my session with him.
#8: If you did a million crunches and a million lunges, could you get yourself to look like that?
DS: (Sighs) Sadly, no. It might take the first half million just to get in reasonable shape again. Believe it or not, I was on the track team, well, cross country team in college.
#8: (Laughs) No way. Really?
DS: Well, you don't have to seem quite that surprised.
#8: Well, look at you, Doc. What are you, forty five years old-
DS: Thirty eight!
#8: -and five ten . . two fifteen?
DS: I don't weigh two fifteen. I've never weighed over . . two oh eight in my life.
#8: Whatever. What wouldn't you give to look like (Subject #6), to have a body like that so that even wearing that outrageous unitard is no big deal?
DS: He is an incredible specimen. And that . . is a unitard that you're wearing, too, isn't it?
#8: Yeah. I gave in and switched from a two piece. I used to give (Titans East member) and (Subject #6) shit all the time for their suits but I tried it and it really is better. Dance belt and a unitard. It's the way to go.
DS: You guys kid each other back and forth a lot?
#8: Of course. We have to blow off steam. We can't all sublimate our anxieties into typing out case files for kicks. I mean, any one of us could get smoked tomorrow and not just by one of the major leaguers, your Slades or Madame Rouges. Every half wit robbin' a quickie mart's got artillery. All it takes is one lucky shot and one of us could go down. So, I'm not spending my down time typing out weather conditions and barometer readings into the case file of every stupid case we've ever been on. Eventually dedication passes the point of diminishing returns. And when it does, I'm out . . meeting . . all kinds of people and having a good time. But you checked my file, didn't you?
DS: Your police file? Yes.
#8: Is there any negative mark in there at all? I bet there isn't. I give everything on every mission, every call.
DS: The police in both Star City and Jump City speak very highly of you.
#8: Damn fricking right they do. And why not? I always find a way to make things work out right.
DS: Yes, both-both police departments are very impressed with your ingenuity. They were especially amazed at how, last month, you were able to leap off the Jump Bay Bridge and hit all three robbers with concussion arrows and also shoot a parachute arrow up to save yourself. They all thought it was a crazy risk, at first, the files say.
#8: Heh. Piece of cake. It's part of the job. And I answer every call. What I do in my free time is none of Captain Case Files's business.
DS: Is that a source of friction between you and (Subject #1)?
#8: Not just him.
DS: The others give you a hard time for what you do on your own time?
#8: Not-not so much of a hard time but they give off this freak vibe toward me. Like, I'm a freak, but little bat who isn't doing anything since he broke up with (Subject #5), he's normal. (Subject #6) is normal. He chased (Subject #7) even though she was a villain, even though the first time they met she hit him over the head with a sign and knocked him out and then put him in a cage. Try and straighten out the kink in that! First girl he goes with and bam! That's it. But he's normal and Captain Uptight's normal. I'm a freak.
DS: If you don't care about what they say, why would you bring it up?
(Subject #8 gave me a long hard stare)
#8: It's all so arbitrary, anyway. Fucking (Subject #1) doesn't enjoy anything or anyone. (Subject #5) is one awesome piece of ass and he just kept playing (Subject #1's Justice League mentor) junior and ignoring her. But he doesn't have any problem. Oh no. Just me. I enjoy people. I appreciate beauty. I know how to have a good time. I'm the one who's the weirdo. How fucked up is that, doc?
DS: Is this why you wanted to talk to me?
#8: Who said I wanted to talk to you?
DS: So, you want me to believe you can figure a way to leap off Jump Bay Bridge and do four different things on the way down but you can't avoid a 38 year old, five foot ten, 208 pound psychiatrist.
#8: I was practicing. I didn't know there was anything up.
DS: The other Titans weren't talking about having to sit down for evaluation sessions with the City's psychiatrist?
#8: (Sighs). Fine. Yeah. They were all talking about it. Alright?! But I wasn't fixated on it just cuz little bat and greenie were so antsy about their upcoming sessions with you. I just went about my business which, contrary to what they think, includes a lot of training in my down time. I train all the time. Targets in the bay are great practice for wind, wave and current compensation in targeting.
DS: Do you have a close friend or a best friend in the group who you can talk to?
(pause)
#8: No.
DS: How about-
#8: When I was . . seeing (Titans East member), I could talk to him about anything. But . . . don't give me that look. You don't really have to hold your breath to suppress your shock, do you? That's right. (Titans East member) was my boyfriend.
DS: But you were saying that (Subject #7)'s . . cat eyed . . bad girl look really does it for you?!
#8: It does. Especially since she's been with (Subject #6). She's put on just a little weight so that her ass is nice and full and round now and those little tatas of hers are just a bit more-
DS: But you-you . . dated (Titans East member)?!
#8: Yeah, Doc.
(Long pause)
DS: Then . . .
(Long pause)
#8: Is it too complex for you?
DS: No. No. I just . . well, it's . . . unusual.
#8: Well, you are a pro, aren't you? I mean, everything said in here stays in here, same as you said you couldn't tell me what the others were saying about me, right?
DS: Of course.
#8: I told you I envy (Subject #6) and (Subject #7) both of them.
DS: I . . didn't quite catch that you meant it that way. It's . . very unusual.
#8: Yeah. You said that, Doc.
DS: Most of . . well . . a lot of people who say they're . . like you . . are really gay but somehow think it's more acceptable to-
#8: 127 chicks and 122 dudes, Doc.
DS: Huh? You've . . .
#8: 127 and 122, including five hero girls, three hero guys and one villain guy.
DS: Then . . you really are . . .
#8: I appreciate beauty, Doc. I go to Gotham fashion week every year and see all the models in all the shows. It's great.
DS: A-a hundred twenty seven other males and a hundred twenty two females? You're-you're not even twenty yet and you've had . . . ?!
(Pause)
DS: Were you always . . . I mean, did you always like both . . ?
#8: Yeah . . I guess . . . it wasn't easy to deal with at first. I was the first boy on the reservation who kissed a girl. I mean the first of all of us around my age. When I went to live with (Justice League mentor), I was the first boy in that rich kid neighborhood to get to second base with a girl. I was the first one to go all the way. I wasn't even 12 yet. They all envied me, all those trust fund boys. And it wasn't fake or going through the motions to impress them or anything. It was real. But . . . at the same time . . there were these . . other feelings . . I . . tried to deny it to myself, what I was was feeling. And I was becoming a hero, so I would focus on that. But I couldn't get rid of these crazy feelings. But there were some incredibly hot teen heroines I might get to meet. So I focused on that, too (laughs) When (Justice League mentor) told me I'd get to go up to the Watchtower satellite and might meet (Female auxiliary member of the Teen Titans), I was stoked. And then I get up there and I'm sharing a room with (Subject #6). And those insane feelings come on stronger than ever. Little fucking (Subject #6)! Such a fricking pretty boy. And that ridiculous little speedster ass of his in that ridiculous skin tight speedster suit! God. I turned it all on him. I was a total asshole to him. I-I made fun of him that whole weekend. I called him a sissy. I called him gay. I made fun of his suit. I-
DS: You didn't want to like him the way you did so you went through the motions of hating him.
(Pause)
#8: Yeah. He wasn't even cool. He's a total book nerd. He was then and he still is. But he's a book nerd with a face like that and a body like that and . . god, I hated feeling that pull toward him. So I . .
DS: It's actually very common.
#8: Yeah. I realize that now. If I make a play for a guy and he gets all flustered and offended a certain way and says he doesn't do that, I smile because I know the dude's telling me exactly the opposite of what he's saying.
DS: But you . . . you were able to reconcile yourself to your different . . desires. How?
#8: I don't know what to say, exactly. I couldn't deny it. It wasn't just (Subject #6). I went with (Justice League mentor) to Fashion Week in Gotham and I was mesmerized by both the boys and the girls. I'd go back to our hotel room . . . alone, because (Justice League mentor) was out somewhere trying to score some girl who was on the cover of Vogue and I couldn't stop thinking about her. But I couldn't stop thinking about the dude in the latest Polo ad, either. I tried, kind of half heartedly, to raise the issue with (Justice League mentor) but . . well . . there are a lot better dads out there than him. He rarely put in more than a 'hi, Tiger, how was your day?' with me. There was no way I could just step up that conversation to "Oh yeah, I'm totally into both dudes and chicks'.
DS: So, when did you reach acceptance of . .
#8: It-it wasn't some single blinding moment. I remember asking myself what Brave Bow, back at the reservation, would have said to me. And I then I finally . . well, there was this really cool guy a year older than me. I kind of suspected he was . . interested. And I was right. And it was great. I loved it both ways. I couldn't deny that feeling. And accepting it just kind of . . well, all my anxieties melted away. And I felt free to pursue my desires.
DS: A hundred twenty seven times one way and a hundred twenty two times the other.
#8: (Chuckles) I've pursued a hell of a lot more times than that, Doc. I wish that I'd been successful every time I saw some beautiful chick or some hot guy and put the moves on 'em.
DS: Do some of them shy away from you because they saw you leave with their best friend the night before?
#8: Annnnnnnd her best friend told her that she had the greatest night in bed of her life. Not many shy away from that.
DS: You said 'put the moves on 'em'. That sounds like all you look for is a conquest, not a relationship.
#8: Doc. I'm a young guy. Everything's not part of a fairy tale. Especially with the dudes.
DS: Have you had any long term relationships?
(pause)
#8: Only with (Titans East member).
DS: Uh huh.
#8: And I cheated on him the whole time. I . . I couldn't stop. They didn't mean anything to me. It was just . . physical fun.
DS: How many times was it just . . physical fun . . while you were supposed to be committed to him?
#8: Jeez, Doc, I don't know. I might have known at the time.
DS: But you gave me an exact count. A hundred twenty seven and a hundred twenty two. Remember? So, you tally up these encounters and put notches on your bedpost or something?
#8: Doc! It's not like that! I thought you'd question whether I didn't really just go one way or the other. So I started to add up from when I was with (Titans East member) I-I only have an idea now because (Titans East member) and I were fighting and he-he called me a-a Don Giovanni or something like that, some character from an opera. He knows like every opera, ballet or play ever. Masterfish Theater. That's why he's such good friends with (Subject #6) and (Subject #7). They're both book nerds. He gets along great with them. It's why I can't really talk to (Subject #6) about shit any more. I know he looks at me and sees the guy who cheated on princey prince. Well, when princey prince caught me cheating, I told him that the guy, this french model, didn't mean anything to me and somehow that pissed him off even more. Who knows what goes through his head sometimes! But, apparently, there's a happy medium of interest in someone with whom you cheat. At least, according to him there is. He said I was being like this Don Giovanni character and that I probably couldn't even name everyone I'd had sex with.
DS: And could you?
#8: Well . . no, you see. It's not a fair question because I never got the names of some of them. You're in a club and you're dancing and you make eye contact with someone and you go off somewhere and that's it. It's not like you exchange life histories. Anyway. He challenged me to at least identify to the extent I could everyone I'd been with. And I could. From that first girl before I was even 12 to that day. I got all of 'em. I thought that might calm him down but he was like tallying them all up and shook his head in disgust at me and called me a libertarian.
DS: A libertine.
#8: Whatever. He was all freaking out that I'd been with like 80 dudes and 80 chicks. Eighty two! That was the number. Same number of each. I still remember him shouting it at me. Eighty two! Eighty two!! Like it was some kind of tragedy. Eighty two!!! He said I had all the sexual restraint of a donkey. He thought it was real funny when that was what (female Justice League magician) turned me into the time we all went to see her show. Course, she turned princey prince into a frog, haha, so he didn't get off much better. But they all laughed at me. All these people I thought were my friends. Like I was some kind of joke. The symbol of unconstrained lust. That's what (female Justice League magician) said. They all laughed. I thought jackasses were only supposed to be stupid and stubborn.
DS: No, the uncontrolled lust thing is part of the symbolism too.
#8: But they all laughed at me. They kind of looked sorry for princey prince getting turned into a frog and (Subject #6) covering over with fur and getting turned into a cheetah and even Captain Case Files getting turned into a little bat, at least a little sorry. But they all just let loose and laughed at me.
DS: Is this why you wanted to talk to me?
#8: (Shouting) Doc! (more softly) I didn't seek you out.
DS: You just couldn't evade the five foot ten 208 pound guy. Sure.
#8: Doc?! Wh-what is this?
DS: It's just two people talking. But one of 'em can do more for the other if he's honest with him.
#8: I am being honest with you!
DS: Did you think that your friends would think that you were cool for having so many sexual conquests?
#8: No! I didn't . . I don't . . that's-that's not the way I . . . I don't tell anyone else anything! Nothing, Doc!
(Pause)
DS: So, you were surprised to see the regard in which your friends held you.
#8: Yeah . . . yeah, Doc. I was. I-I kind of knew they thought of me like that but it still surprised me.
DS: But you've only had that one relationship of any length?
#8: (Softly) Yeah.
DS: And what broke it up was only (Titans East member) not being able to accept your cheating? It wasn't being found out by the others that you were romantically involved with him?
#8: Huh? No! Oh, don't get me wrong. Half the hero community still looks at me like I'm radioactive. It was like that Seinfeld episode. Everyone looks at you with disgust but publicly says 'Not that there's anything wrong with that'. (Justice League mentor) just about shit himself. You're what?! I can only imagine what (Titans East member's Justice League mentor)'s reaction was. He's even more of an over the top, swashbuckling, macho type than (Justice League mentor) if that's possible. But everyone at the Titans and at the League put on a big front of acceptance of me and princey prince. I didn't really care but it was kind of a big deal to him. Both our dads looked enviously at (Subject #6's Justice League mentor). His protege was straight and even risked going out with a villain girl to get his action! He was like double trumping us in their eyes. And our dads had no idea how to talk to each other. It was so funny. Eventually, they started arguing about whose protege must be the one on top.
DS: So, there's a lot of competition among the Justice League members?
#8: Totally. Only it's all kind of unofficial which only makes it worse.
DS: And do others besides (Titans East member) know that you're interested in both young men and women?
#8: Yeah . . it came out when we broke up. For all his talk about being open minded and demanding acceptance, princey prince was freaked out that I'm even more . . . open minded than him. Some of the Titans flipped. Fucking (Subject #1) tried to lecture me one time. Blah blah blah you're compromising the security of your team with your promiscuity blah blah blah. Like I was doing everyone in my uniform and giving them our security codes so they could sneak in to see me or something.
DS: You don't pursue . . conquests as your hero self?
#8: Of course not! Only other heroes. Only here in this tower or at East's headquarters. He was just jealous. That's what he was. At least of me doing the girls I did. It was like he wanted to go to them and tell them to stay away from me. He had this look of upset about it each time. (female Teen Titans auxiliary member)?! You did . . . (female Teen Titans auxiliary member)l?! (another female Teen Titans auxiliary member)!?! (yet another female Teen Titans auxiliary member)!?! Christ, he didn't even mention (Subject #4). He'd piss his green pants if he found out about that one. He probably wouldn't believe it. But then he acted all superior to me about the guys. Like that made him better than me. What the fuck? I can only imagine how ridiculous he must've acted the next time he met (male Teen Titans auxiliary member). Haha! What kind of asshole would surveil other heroes like that anyway?
DS: (Subject #1) followed you?
#8: Well, not really. But he does this insane review of, like every security camera in Jump City and identified me.
DS: Do you think (Subject #1) only did such a thing because of your . . unusual sexuality?
#8: Of course. Although, I wouldn't put it past him to have footage of speedster and pinkie goin' at it somewhere in the computer.
DS: Really?
#8: (Sighs) Nah. Not really. He wouldn't. The thing is that (Subject #6)'s like his only connection. He'd crack up on his own. He really would. But (Subject #6) gives him that outlet for normal emotion. He doesn't take any shit from him. He throws him in the pool in his full uniform all the time. You can imagine how easily he can pull tricks on (Subject #1) with super speed. And he's like the most emotionally available guy. He's the perfect friend for (Subject #1). He can make emotional connection all the time and he doesn't take offense at anything. Remember, this is the dude who got knocked out and put in a cage by the girl he wanted to chase and never considered that these might be bad omens for a future relationship with her. (Subject #1) would never film (Subject #6). He'd never do something like that to alienate him. He gives him that outlet so that he can close down to everyone else and still feel like the emotional pressure doesn't build up too high. He can continue to be little bat, ha!. God, I wish I had video of him getting shrunk and turned into a little flying rat by (female Justice League magician).
DS: How well do you get along with (Titans East member) now? Does your . . history affect how you work together on missions?
#8: Christ, doc. We've both been doing this five or six years. We're pros. When (Titans East leader calls out an attack formation, I'm where I'm supposed to be. And, for the record, we're friends.
DS: Does (Titans East leader) feel that you've let your team down with how you live your life?
#8: No. Not really. She doesn't like that it has (Subject #1) looking down on two of her team members. She's totally competitive with him. When his thing with (Subject #5) blew up, she loved it. She never said a word to that effect but it was in the look on her face. She loved it.
DS: So, she doesn't think your sex life is a problem?
#8: A problem with what?
DS: With keeping up your commitments to the team?
#8: Oh please doc. People have this total misconception about this gig. They think it's like non-stop training and missions and action but it's not. There's tons of down time. Hell, it's mostly down time. If I go into the city and hook up with a cute waiter or waitress or model in the 16 hour gap between a training session and a call, what does it harm?
DS: Nothing I suppose.
#8: Right. I bring my communicator with me. I'm right there if they call.
DS: So . . why did you want to talk to me?
(Long pause)
#8: I have . . other feelings.
DS: Who's left after both men and women?
#8: Not like that. I don't know. It's not . . I mean, things are still great in the heat of the pursuit and doing it. It's just . . .
DS: You feel unfulfilled.
(Long pause)
#8: I came back to the Tower pretty late two nights ago. And I'm walking down the hall to my room when I see a door partly open. (Subject #1) switched their doors from one kind of lock to another this year. You have to do two things to set the lock. Sometimes the Titans living here don't do both steps if it's late at night and they're tired. Anyway. The door to (Subject #6) and (Subject #7)'s room is open. I closed it and did the lock but not before looking in. They were so . . . I'm not sure how to say it. They were in bed and spooning with the covers up to their shoulders and she had this look on her face like she was just so content. And he did too. There was just this . . this total . . connection between them.
DS: They really love each other.
#8: I . . I noticed it before. How could I not?
DS: It's hard to miss. But you've seen them together before, haven't you?
#8: Well, not . . in their bed, but sure, around the Tower.
DS: Holding hands? Him holding her in his arms? The two of them kissing?
#8: Sure.
DS: But it never affected you like that before. Why?
#8: I don't . . .
DS: Did it make you feel the gap between them and what you've had?
#8: . . . . . . . . I feel . . . . . . . . lonely. I . .
DS: That's what you wanted to talk about, isn't it?
(Long pause)
DS: Take as long as you need.
#8: I'm . . I'm fine . . . I just want to say . . . you know . . . I never hurt anyone. I . . . I never . . . did anything wrong. I-I made a lot of people very happy.
DS: Mmm hmm.
#8: I-I tried to bring this up to (Titans East member) a while ago. I was kind of thinking of this. I'd been with (female Titans auxiliary member) . . . and after we did it, we were lying in bed, but just for a minute. I . . I felt like I had to get out of there. I had to. Had to. But I didn't know why. I really liked her. She's smart and cute and an archer. And she has this great sense of humor. And I got out of there, like-like on autopilot or something. I remember looking back at the door to her place and feeling so certain that I should go back there, wondering what was I doing.
DS: But you didn't?
#8: No. I felt like a . . . a coward in a way.
DS: So, you tried to talk to (Titans East member) about that?
#8: Yeah. I wanted to talk about habits and stuff. I-I brought it up to him and he starting talking about some book or something written by some guy Britt Hume.
DS: I think you mean David Hume.
#8: Right. Anyway, (Subject #6) jumps in, something about playing pool and something else in that book. And (Titans East member) is all like 'That's splendid (Subject #6) and the two of them were off to the races talking about it and I was left in the dust. Not that I really deserved any better from (Titans East member).
DS: Do you think you can control your libido?
#8: Doc, I've never let it affect me doing this job. Not once. And, it's not like I'm so far out there.
DS: Oh really?
#8. Yeah. Look, (Subject #5) has this thing she can do. It's a Tamaranian thing. She can like just look at you and tell when was the last time you hooked up and who it was with. Don't ask me to explain it. I came back to the Tower late one night and she was all 'Friend (Subject #8) you were in a somethree' . And I corrected her. Threesome. Threesome. And I asked her not to tell the others. I said I didn't want them thinking I was out of control with how much action I get and she laughed her little (Subject #5) laugh and told me that (Subject #6) and (Subject #7) do it much more than me. So maybe I don't have any more urge to merge than any of them.
DS: Or maybe that's just (Subject #6) and (Subject #7).
#8: (Chuckles) Maybe.
(Pause)
DS: Let me ask you a very serious question.
#8: Okay.
DS: Did you have some kind of tragedy or loss in your past?
(Pause)
#8: My-my father passed away when I was just a little kid.
DS: I'm sorry.
#8: I went to live on an Indian reservation. A wonderful man named Brave Bow took me in and acted as my father. And then he died.
DS: Oh. Wow. Twice. I'm sorry. Look. This is just one brief session. If I could just give you a few words of advice to take away from this?
#8: Okay.
DS: Take a risk. It doesn't have to be totally opening yourself up. But break patterns of emotion free behavior. If there's a girl who you still think about, contact her. Maybe she won't want to have anything to do with you. But maybe, if you admit that you made a mistake. Maybe she'll see past it.
#8: Okay.
DS: Wanting to change is the first step and you can't get anywhere without taking that first step. But everything won't go smoothly. Sometimes you'll fail and sometimes you'll get hurt. But that's how it is living a whole life. Trust your friends, too. They might give you a hard time at first if you go back to them. But they liked you before. They seem like some special people I wouldn't be surprised if they forgive you.
#8: yeah.
DS: Look. If you want to continue with me, in therapy, you're welcome to do so. You can look me up in the phone book.
#8: Thanks, Doc.