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Anna massaged her neck as she climbed the stairs to Olivia, the counsellor's office. She'd put on a high collared shirt to hide the marks. She was utterly shaken. She had been through so so much and the temptation to talk to someone about it was almost impossible to resist. But she would resist it, she had to. The counsellor, Olivia, had dark curly hair and was rather too smiley for Anna's liking. She ushered her over to a seat and sat opposite, but not behind a desk and paper as some did. She had a clipboard next to her but was mainly focussed on giving her patient all her attention. Her brown eyes seemed to welcome people to say more, but they were also guarded. "So, Anna" she began, her voice soft and lilting. "I understand you've been on quite an… experience." It didn't make grammatical sense. Anna suspected she had been about to say 'adventure' and then thought better of it. She remained silent, ignoring the nonverbal expectation that she partake in the conversation, so Olivia continued. "I must say, I will not even pretend to be able to imagine what you have been through, but I do think it would help a lot if you talk about it. I understand some of the other plebes regard coming to me as a sign of weakness, but this is foolish nonsense Anna. You have been through what I can only presume is more than most of the people here put together and it is more than understandable that you would need some help. That is my job." She smiled again, the action so readily available, just behind whatever her passive face was, waiting to come out. Her words didn't make Anna feel any better. Suppose her 'experience' had not been so difficult? She didn't give the option. Not that this line of thought was relevant, Anna knew full well her time on Stow had been utterly horrific. She remained silent. It was her shield, her barrier, her friend. She could rely on silence.
Olivia's smile became slightly strained but she continued relentlessly. "I was thinking that sometimes simple is best and what might be helpful, is for you to just tell me what happened from the beginning, what life was like and how you are feeling, if you express all those things into words. Don't worry if you can't continue or you aren't sure you are adequately discussing everything. If there is anything you want to skip over please do, but feel free to tell me anything. You cannot shock me, and it is confidential unless I believe you have been put at risk or are in danger. Naturally on an island like that your life was surely at risk but it is more about… human actions that might put you in danger. Then I would pass it on to higher authorities." Anna was surprised she was being so honest, she would have assumed she would have tried to catch her unawares but it seemed the counsellor was being very upfront. "However you feel right now, even if you are unsure what you feel, is okay Anna. Any feelings you currently have are normal to feel, everyone reacts to difficult circumstances in different ways and each are valid. You are not twisted, evil or bad for feeling or not feeling certain things. Please try and remember that. Now I would like you to tell me what happened." It sounded like a request, but Anna suspected it was not one.
Her throat ached and her mouth was dry. She could, she could say it all. Tell her everything. But she wasn't sure whether the counsellor would believe her, or whether she would be able to do anything to protect her. She remained quiet, passing through the sea of awkwardness, ignoring the societal urge to speak, to be polite. After all, she had spent so long out of civilisation. Olivia pursed her lips as she regarded her, and jotted a couple of lines in shorthand on her clipboard. "I should warn you Anna, refusal to speak would indicate trauma and that something is wrong which could lead to an executive order to look at your memories using the census device". The woman grimaced in distaste for the machine. Anna's order of silence was shattered. She could not allow that to happen. They would cull every last memory out of her. No. she could deal with invasion of privacy in almost every way, but no one could look inside her brain! She spoke.
"We were on a boat to Canva when the skyship blasted air at us and pushed me into the water. I was swept by the current and ended up on Stow, sorry – the island. It is what he called it." Olivia smiled, a well-practiced gesture, "go on."
"Blackburn, I mean Professor Blackburn found me. He… helped me survive" oh the irony! "Then one day we saw a ship and signalled to it and they rescued us." She knew she would be pressed for more, that that wouldn't be enough. But Anna was not going to let this lady get anything that easily. Not without a fight. And Anna could fight hard. Olivia bit her lip, a surprisingly nervous gesture. Anna wondered suddenly how she must seem. A wild girl, taken from the comfort of Comco to live on a desert island. Ferocious, feral and fierce. All f words. This office woman must have never had to deal with this before. She was probably used to children from prestigious backgrounds, not difficult women with issues. "Thank you Anna, I wonder if you could go into more detail about what day to day life was like on the island", she hesitated. "What Blackburn was like?" She didn't just seem curious, she seemed apprehensive, like she knew something. Anna noticed she had neglected to mention his title.
"I, I mean we" her stomach clenched at the collective pronoun, "um, survived by, you know. I would skin animals, he speared them. He knew how to make stills, you know for water. We slept in a shelter. I don't really know what you want me to say." Olivia suddenly looked nervous. She seemed to be deliberating how to say something. "Anna, I" she paused, "am wondering what it was like essentially living with Professor Blackburn? What was he like? Did he, treat you alright?" Anna didn't really know what to say. "Wouldn't that be, ah, like blabbing on a teacher?" she asked, desperate to change the subject. "Oh no, it wouldn't, I would just like you to be completely honest. I do not want you to feel you shouldn't say anything. There is nothing you are not allowed to say." The older female scrutinised her face.
"Um, Blackburn, sorry Professor Blackburn is very good at survival skills, I mean he has a lot of them. He is the only reason I survived." With a shock Anna realised it was true. She would have died within a week or less without him. She remembered the time he had saved her life. She had been cutting her way through the thick rainforest with Blackburn behind her and she'd shrieked at the sight of a snake. By that time she had been on Stow for over a year and was well used to reptiles. But this one had moved quickly and surprised her. However it was also venomous. Utterly deadly. She recognised the pattern on its skin identifying it as lethal. She had gazed into its eyes, frozen, barely daring to breath as it had slithered along, circling its head. Blackburn had chuckled at her scream and peered round. He'd seen the animal an instantly become serious, snapping to attention. "Don't move he'd breathed, stepping slightly in front of her, between her and the snake. He'd gradually, gently but firmly nudged her back so she was moving away from the beast.
"He", Anna stopped, not wanting to say more than she had to. But Olivia leaned forward, a keen expression on her face. "Yes?"
"Nothing."
So the therapy sessions continued. Three times a week of Olivia asking Anna how she felt, what she had done and how she was adjusting. Anna apparently was very 'resilient' but struggled with authority which was 'understandable' but very important at the Spire. She appeared 'rebellious' and frightened other pupils. She was not disruptive but teachers said she lacked motivation in many of the classes, she'd download the homework feed at night so it could go into her processor, but she had no enthusiasm in lessons. Anna had been gradually integrated back into the simulations, where the plebes connected the ports in their necks to the network, meaning they were in virtual reality and learned to fight and plan and be strategic. According to Olivia, Anna was not a team player which was something she had to work on. She apparently was too vicious at times, and they were concerned she might be remembering times from the island. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was one of the diagnoses given to her.
Her lessons with Blackburn also carried on the same, with him largely ignoring her, focussing much of his shouting energy at Tom who had been acting up with his friend Vik, as usual. However, Anna noticed that the boy had been acting decidedly different around her. He often looked at her with a concerned expression on his face, a slight frown appearing. Wyatt seemed thrilled to have her mentor back, Blackburn regularly spent many evenings teaching her. Wyatt was a prodigy with computers and programming and so helped around the Spire. She was incredibly blunt, having no people skills whatsoever, so she and Anna had never got along, simply sifting uncomfortably alongside one another. Watching the two of them talking together, discussing various programming phenomenon stirred something dark in her. After all she had lived with and put up with the man, his shadow constantly looming over her but here he was with Wyatt acting all cosy and comfortable. If she only knew. If she only knew what he was really like she surely would not be leaning towards him, hands waving as she illustrated a point. No, she would be running away as fast as she could in the opposite direction Anna thought wryly.
In this programming lesson Blackburn was demonstrating how to use exosuits. This was something the plebes only learned when they had graduated to the next year, and technically Anna had not done so, having been "indisposed" for over a year. But the Spire had had a conference and decided she would be allowed to graduate with her peers, meaning this was her first time in the suits. Exosuits were large, skeletal metal cases you put on and they had something like 42 times as much strength as a human. As such they were dangerous. Anna's eyes lit up, approaching something other than apathy for the first time in months, as she sensed the power these suits held, the things she could do. But it turned out, actually navigating ground in them was incredibly difficult. Tom seemed to have no problems whatsoever, prancing about in them, something which drew jealous looks from across the room and, Anna noticed, seemed to fill Blackburn with apoplectic fury. No one else would have seen it, but she knew his face and moods so well she could easily read the subtle twinges and furrows. He raged at Tom, who shrugged everything off like water off a duck's back.
Blackburn marched over to her after the lesson. "Faeilr! What was that?" Anna stared at him, scowling, as alarm prickled under her skin. "These suits are not easy but I would expect someone at your level in the Spire to be able to do more than waddle around in it!" Anna was gobsmacked. He knew what she was like physically. She was clumsy but limber, able to recover. She was also incredibly fit as a necessity of life on Stow. He knew every muscle, every bone and edge to her, and was well aware that mentally she was quick witted and could be single-minded when she needed to. Yet this was very difficult. This was almost complete talent or skill, the suit was almost impossible to master. It was like trying to walk through water. She mustered up the ugliest look she could and sneered "I wonder, what you were like on your first time? This isn't exactly instinctive you know!" She saw a nerve she could touch and hit it. "Unlike Tom Raines, he seems to have an intuitive gift for the robot suit, I bet even you would struggle to do that well. But he's the only one able to navigate these suits. They are hard. This is my first time. So leave me alone!" She knew Blackburn was angry about Tom's showing off in the suits but was trying not to draw attention to how good the boy was. She had just highlighted it, stuck feathers on it, and put the fact on a pedestal with flashing neon lights pointing at it. His eyes were black pits as he stared her down. "What was that Faeilr? What did you say to me?" His voice was white hot, his face inches from her's as he bent down to her level. As ever whenever there was any sort of interaction between her and Blackburn, the other students were silent, taking it all in to add to the rumours circulating the Spire. Trembling, Anna stood her ground. "You heard me". Her quiet, stubborn voice led to gasps.
"I will see you tonight in detention Faeilr", Blackburn growled. Anna rolled her eyes. As if that was a punishment after all she'd been through. For the first time since returning to the Spire, the hostility between the two of them was clearly visible, prompting endless haranguing and questioning from other students on what he was like, what Stow was like. Anna blanked them all, sinking into her well tried, natural defence of silence.