She stayed in his arms until the beating of her heart returned to a semi-normal pace. Diana pulled away from him slowly, her cheeks pink as she glanced at him. "Sorry," she said with a small, sheepish laugh.
He laughed, too, low and soft. "Never apologize for that , Diana," he said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand for a moment. Then Cullen looked at her, eyes soft. "It's been too long since I've been able to say your name."
Diana smiled. "Not talking about me to your templars?"
"Ah, no," he said, shaking his head slightly. "Not much time for chatting. We've only finally gotten everything arranged and then I was away for a week."
Her gaze settled on the dark circles beneath his eyes. "Do you want me to go so you can sleep?"
"No! I mean - no, thank you, I'm fine," Cullen assured her, then gestured to the door. He looked excited, suddenly. "Can I show you the sanctuary?"
She nodded and then they were out the door and exploring the grounds. Cullen spent the better part of an hour talking animatedly, showing her the buildings and explaining the future plans he had for the sanctuary. Apparently they also owned the land surrounding the fenced-in area, just in case they ever needed to expand.
As of right now, most of the buildings weren't permanently occupied. Three of the buildings would eventually be barrack-like living quarters, but right now mostly had empty bed frames with no mattresses or sheets. Another building was a large dining hall with a big kitchen on one end. The pantry there was maybe a tenth full; she imagined any other food would go to waste.
"How many people are here? Besides you?" Diana asked as they walked. She was very, very aware of how close their hands were swinging as they walked. If she wanted, she could have held his hand just by moving a few inches.
"Nearly twenty so far. You met Sandrine and her wife, Flora, at the gate... Sandrine was a templar and Flora's a mage - a healer. They showed up here before the buildings were even built. Apparently they had heard a rumor about a sanctuary and came immediately."
"That was brave of them," Diana said, surprised. What if they had traveled and it had only been that - a rumor?
Cullen shrugged. "Everyone here has a similar story. I haven't had a chance to hear all of them, yet, but I know everyone must be brave. Brave to leave the templars or brave to admit to needing help or brave to-"
"Brave to stop taking lyrium," she said quietly. Cullen glanced at her.
"I… suppose, yes," he said, as if it had never crossed his mind that he had been brave when making his decision. "I didn't think you would remember that."
"I remember everything," she said, frowning. At least, she was starting to. For a few months there had been gaps here and there and some memories had been foggy. But now, as she was no longer so afraid of acknowledging everything that had happened to her - everything that had happened tothem - it was coming back.
That meant the ordeal in the future at Redcliffe was coming back, sharper in detail than it had ever been and so was the last showdown against Corypheus and the hunt for Solas and her arm and -
Warm fingers touched her hand, gently. Her attention snapped back to Cullen, who was looking at her with concerned eyes. "Sorry," she said quietly, shaking her head as if to remove the thoughts which were plaguing her. "How do you know how to do this?"
"Do what?" he asked, releasing her hand reluctantly.
"How to do this - how to make it easier? How to make it not so overwhelming and…" she trailed off. "How to make it feel like it will be better someday?"
Cullen frowned, looking off into the distance as he spoke. "The same way you know how to do anything - you learn. I had help. Even at Skyhold. Iron Bull was the first to notice my, ah, preoccupation with the past and the resulting stress. He told me some exercises that he knew helped people ground themselves in the present. At first, I was embarrassed. Furious, even, that I had let it become so obvious that someone had noticed."
"I'm surprised Bull needs techniques like that. He seems so untouchable."
"Whether he uses them or his Chargers do or he just has general knowledge on internal battles - I don't know. He also made a lewd suggestion about some other things I could do to make myself feel better, but those - those are not fit to mention," Cullen said with a blush and a cough. "Anyway, Bull must have told Dorian because he brought me a book on the subject. That helped a lot, too. I have a copy in my quarters if you'd like to borrow it sometime."
Diana nodded, then looked around at the buildings. They had been into every building so far, except for the stables, and she hadn't seen anything that looked like the quarters of a commander. "Where are your quarters?" she asked.
"In the same building as my office. They're connected with a door," Cullen said. She tried to remember his office and whether or not she had seen a door. Maybe she had missed it. He cleared his throat. "Eventually there will be a copy in the library, as well… when we get around to building one."
She smiled at the enthusiasm in his voice as he mentioned the future plans for the library. "You seem eager."
"Because I am. There's been a need for a place like this for a long time. I'm proud to be-"
"Rutherford! I've got some letters for you here!" They turned and saw a wiry man with salt-and-pepper hair jogging over to them. He acknowledged Diana with a nod and a curious expression. "Visitor? You a templar? Where's your arm? What-"
"John, " Cullen hissed, snatching the parchment from the man's hands.
She laughed at Cullen's mortified expression. John shrugged, seemingly not bothered at all by Cullen's scolding. "Yes, a visitor but not a templar. And my arm is not here, as you can see; it was cut off by the elven god of betrayal."
John stared at her. "Right ," he said slowly, with a low whistle following it. "Well, anyway, welcome to our little sanctuary. Name's John, as you probably figured out. I do the combat exercises around here. If you need anything or get tired of Rutherford let me know and I can show you around, instead."
"Thanks," Diana said with a small smile, her eyes drifting over to Cullen. He was concentrating very hard on reading the letters, a crease of worry between his eyebrows. "Trouble?"
"No - I - maybe," he admitted, amber eyes flashing to meet hers. "I need to send a raven. I'm sorry, Diana. I don't mean to rush off-"
"Go," Diana said, giving him an understanding smile. "I'll be here when you get back."
Cullen smiled apologetically, then turned and walked at a quick pace back to his office. She turned to John and saw him scrutinizing her carefully. "Diana? As in Diana Trevelyan?"
"Yes," she said, suddenly feeling quite nervous. But it seemed her apprehension wasn't needed, because John broke into a grin.
"Very nice to meet you. Thanks for saving the world... I live here and I've kind of become attached to doing so, so… thank you," he said pleasantly, then motioned toward her arm. "Hadn't heard you lost the arm. Did you really get it cut off by an elven god?"
She laughed. "Yes. He was saving my life, technically, but…"
"But still, what an arsehole," John said, thoughtfully rubbing his stubble.
"What an arsehole," she agreed.
In Cullen's absence, John showed her around and introduced her to the other residents of the sanctuary. She saw Sandrine again; the redhead was doing some kind of meditative stretching in a patch of sun, instructing a small gathering of others on how to follow the poses.
"I tried that, once. Hurt like hell. Never realized how inflexible I was until I tried to do what she does," John said with a wince, rubbing his side like he could still feel a pulled muscle. "S'relaxing, supposedly. Not for me - I don't find pain particularly relaxing."
Eventually, after all introductions were made and questions answered (at least half of the residents recognized her as the Inquisitor and had a lot of things to ask), John led her to the dining hall for lunch. They stepped inside and the smell of herby, roasted meat hit her nose.
"Maker, I'm hungry," John moaned slightly. They stepped into a line of people who were waiting to pick up a plate of what looked to be roasted rabbit. "Leo does the cooking. He's a genius. Never had such good food. He apparently used to be a blacksmith's apprentice - or something like that - making weapons for the Chantry. Waste of talent."
Her stomach growled hungrily as she picked up a plate of food from the countertop. A sandy-haired boy who looked to be about fifteen, gave her a small nod and shy smile as she expressed her thanks.
"I think the best meal I ever had here - so far - was some potato and cabbage soup, if you can believe it. Used to hate the stuff as a kid, but Leo does good work," John prattled on and on about the food and the different meals he had eaten at the sanctuary. They found a seat at an empty table that was soon filled by Sandrine, Flora, and some of the other residents that Diana had met.
"Your food is going to get cold," Sandrine said, pointing her fork at John's plate. He frowned, then started cutting into the meat. Sandrine laughed. "The only way to get him to shut his mouth is to put some food in it."
Flora giggled. "Even when John's sleeping, he snores so loudly you can hear it halfway across Thedas."
Diana smiled and fell quiet as she listened to their conversations and ate her rabbit. John was right - it was delicious. The potatoes that accompanied it tasted like they had been fried in the fat from the rabbit; the flavor was deep and savory.
When she was nearly finished, she heard someone clearing their throat and the noise made her look up. Cullen was standing next to John, holding a plate of food and looking at the wiry man expectantly.
"What do you want?" John asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Trying to find a place to sit," Cullen said evenly, pointedly looking at John.
The man looked incredulous. "Well, sit down somewhere, you loon," John looked around and then jerked a thumb at a nearby table. "Look, there's a space over there."
Cullen sighed, then reached around John to pick up the man's almost-empty plate. He moved closer to the nearby table and the metal plate made a noise at it dropped to the table.
"Well," John said, exasperated as he looked toward Diana. He was grumbling as he stood from the bench, moving to sit at the other table. "Guess I'm gonna fuck right off, then. Man can't even eat his lunch in peace…"
The other residents at the table had watched Cullen and John's exchange with raised eyebrows, but all were suddenly very concentrated on finishing their meals as the former Commander sat down next to Diana.
"Hello," he said quietly to her.
"Hello," she said, willing the heat she felt on her cheeks to leave.