It was all too much. Too much pressure, too much panic. Crona considered dropping out immediately after the preliminary, needing some peace of mind. Desperately needing some peace of mind. But six days had passed since then, and the group was spending all their time building set list ideas for State. There was no window for escape unless they made one. But there were still some benefits to their participation in this particular club. For one thing, it was on the complete opposite side of the school from the nurse's office and most of the athletic clubs, providing the least interaction with Medusa. Another reason was that Maka was there. Maka was one of the only reasons Crona felt they could stay there. With her, they felt more secure. Like she was the only person preventing the hell inside their head from fully permeating the outside world. Maka was too kind, more than Crona felt they deserved, though she insisted they did deserve every bit of this kindness. In addition to all this, there was this other feeling Maka seemed to invoke. A curious, peculiar feeling Crona hadn't ever felt before they met her. Something like nervousness, but also sort of like happiness. Like their heart would leap out of their chest every time she held their hand. Or whenever she got too close, they felt this weird fluttery feeling in their stomach. And despite the oddness of these feelings, Crona wanted to be close to her, the girl they considered their closest friend, sometimes she felt like their only one. It's not that Crona didn't like any of the others, it was just really hard to get close to them. They got lucky to be friends with Maka. Not like they were allowed to get close to any others. Maka was only given an exception because it was too late when Medusa found out.
The end of the meeting struck, and Spartoi began exiting the choir room. Ragnarok had begun to show his face again, due to his laryngitis fully clearing up, but he still wasn't fully participating, instead mostly using his time to pick on Crona. In fact, Ragnarok was always the first out of the door. Crona made sure they were one of the last. They could hear Spirit approach Ox and begin talking to him about something. Oh, he's busy again, Crona thought. I guess I'll let him know I want to quit on Monday. They could hear Liz and Kim discussing tomorrow's Fall Formal, which would normally be an event Crona wouldn't want to go to. But there was a thought that intermittently crossed their mind about it, and today was their last chance to act on it. Maka walked off with Soul towards the locker halls. Crona was hesitant to follow, instead glancing around the halls a bit. Okay, at least I'm pretty sure Ragnarok's gone, I guess I won't get interrupted if I do this. They took a step in the direction of where Maka was going. Maybe I can't do this. This is a terrible idea, I mean, it's only one day away. Too last-minute, right?
"What, you're too much of a wuss to even talk to her now?" Ragnarok asked. Crona jumped back in surprise.
"Please don't sneak up on me like that," Crona replied in vain, knowing he most likely wouldn't listen.
"Yeah, I'll still do it," Ragnarok said. Crona sighed. Not like I expected anything else, they thought, walking off. "Hey, where are you going?" Ragnarok asked.
"Well, maybe I can do this," Crona replied, walking out of Ragnarok's sight. At least I can try to avoid him. Can't imagine how awful it would be if we were conjoined or something, they thought, shuddering a bit as they walked down the hallways.
"No, don't think about that, you're going to see Maka. You should've asked her this earlier. It's too late now, isn't it? No, I think I can do this." Crona felt that odd, heart-pounding feeling
return before they even went around the corner. I can't do this, they thought. Maka and Soul's lockers slammed at nearly the exact same time.
"Dammit, only half a second off," Soul said.
"We'll get it on Monday, right?" Maka asked. Crona peered around the corner.
"Well, we have to before the end of the semester, or else I'm gonna end up owing Kilik twenty bucks," Soul sighed. "I mean, it's not much, but this is the first bet I've made with a classmate and not Black Star."
"Huh?" Maka asked, looking over her shoulder. She made eye contact with Crona for about half a second, before Crona quickly stepped off to where the corner would hide them. She saw me. Wait, are those her footsteps? She's coming closer, Crona thought, as Maka went around the corner.
"Crona?" Maka asked. "Don't worry, it's just a harmless little bet Soul's gotten himself into," she added.
"Yeah, not like I was asking her to that stupid Fall Formal," Soul added.
"So what if you did?" Maka asked. "I'm not gonna go with you anyway," she casually added.
"Yeah, there were enough rumors about us in eighth grade," Soul replied, walking off with his backpack slung over only one shoulder. This is it, I guess. What am I waiting for? The subject's sort of floating there, it's just the two of us, and this is my last chance. I'm sure that's why I'm feeling so nervous about it.
"M-Maka?" Crona asked.
"Yes?" Maka asked in return.
"I know this is a bit last-minute, but..." Crona started. "Maka..."
Crona heard the familiar click-clack of Medusa's work heels. No, not now. Maybe I can get it all out before she makes me leave.
"Maka, would you go to-"
"Crona, we're leaving!" Medusa called out. Crona looked over their shoulder.
"Wait, Ms. Gorgon, could you let Crona finish what they were going to say first?" Maka asked.
"I'm sure it can wait until Monday," Medusa replied, feigning a nice smile, and ushering Crona to follow her out to the parking lot.
"You better be glad I intervened," Medusa said, once she and Crona got in her car. "Honestly, Crona, do you even have any common sense? If that Albarn brat wanted to go to the formal with you she would have been the one to ask you by now," Medusa added, starting the car.
"I-" Crona started.
"No, don't speak," Medusa said. "I want this ride home to be silent."
Once the two Gorgons got back to their house, a relatively nice two-story home with most of the lower floor underground, Medusa immediately went into the kitchen alone, getting out a single microwave meal. Crona walked downstairs to their room. If Medusa only got out enough for one serving, that meant she was the only one who was going to eat that night. Crona accepted without question they had done something Medusa considered horrible at some point in the day. This always happened when they did something horrible. They resigned to their little room downstairs, and shut the door behind them. Crona let out a long sigh, and sat down on their bed. They reached for a pillow and held it close to their chest. The pillow was a comforting thing to have, not something that outweighed the impact of constant denials of food, but a comforting thing nonetheless. Crona tried not to focus on the feeling of hunger, or the feeling of guilt for doing something wrong. Something. What was it this time? Crona held the pillow closer. The loneliness of their room became as apparent as every other night, with its gray walls, its lack of much furniture or amenities, save for a bed, a dresser, and a closet, all in neutral tones. There were no windows. Crona glanced at the single photo on the dresser, a picture of them with Maka, taken at
school. They looked so happy together in that photo, it filled Crona with guilt to look at it. They wanted to tell her what was happening to them, about everything, but they were worried about what Medusa would do to them if they did. Or what she'd do to her. Realistically, Medusa couldn't lay a finger on Maka without getting fired from her job at best, or facing the wrath of Maka's friends or parents. Or just as likely, Maka herself. But there was always that little bit in Crona's mind that knew their mother's terrifying potential. Her ability to lie and manipulate got her where she was now, with a child she constantly treated as less than human, and being able to sweep this treatment under the rug like it was nothing when they were in public, feigning the act of just a strict mother who did no harm. While Crona was forced to lie, lie about their home life, lie about their mother, lie about why they were always so thin. And since Halloween, it got worse. Even alluding it to Maka was a horrible mistake. A horrible mistake that they were still feeling the
repercussions of. No lunch on weekends until the end of the semester, not being allowed to see friends outside of school or club practices, and an even more constant, watchful eye, just to name a few. Having any conversation alone with Maka was in and of itself a risky endeavor. She had not brought it up in a while, but Crona knew she would again sometime. And then they would make the choice of either withholding the truth to their dearest friend, again, or hoping that telling the truth would not cause things to become worse than they already are.
Sitting in silence for a few more minutes, only stopping to take of their shoes, Crona remained alone until their door opened. Medusa stepped in, sitting down on the bed next to her child.
"Set down your pillow and quit acting like that, we need to talk," Medusa said. "About your recent... behaviour with the Albarn girl."
Trouble.
"You've been too close to her, I want you to distance yourself," Medusa said. "She only sees you as a project, someone to be cured, as soon as she has her way and you're acting like a normal person who doesn't panic over every little thing, she'll leave you for all those other kids she's around," Medusa added. "Only feigning to love you because she doesn't want a downer in her class, or Spartoi."
"She can't be," Crona replied, holding their pillow tighter. "No, I'm sure she's not feigning it. But what if she is? The first person to show me any real kindness, and she might not even be genuine about it?"
"She's even playing along with your silly little phase," Medusa scoffed. "I highly doubt she even takes it seriously, not that anyone would."
"But she does take me seriously," Crona replied.
"How do you know she isn't lying to you?" Medusa asked. "You can't tell, can you?"
Crona held their pillow even tighter.
"She's only been 'kind', hasn't she? Telling you only what you want to hear? Just using honeyed words to keep you at ease and suppressing you from your real self, why, it seems like she wants you to be just another artificially happy high-schooler without a care in the world. Your emotions may be annoying, but they are a part of you, a part she's trying to invalidate and deny, under the guise of 'kindness'. But isn't she pressuring you? Meddling into our family's business, thinking I'm a bad mother to you?"
"Well, sometimes she has been a bit demanding when she tried to find out the truth," Crona replied.
"But I'm not a bad mother, right?" Medusa asked. "I don't hit you, I care about whether you're making good grades, and I don't make you uncomfortable with public displays of parental affection or being a source of embarrassment."
"Mhm," Crona mumbled. Their stomach growled.
"Why would you want to be friends with a person who belittles and lies about your dear mother?" Medusa asked. "She grew up too cushy, she doesn't understand that a real mother has to have a strong, firm hand instead of being gone all her life," she added, not giving Crona a chance to reply. "She only thinks I'm bad because her mother is worse."
An absentee. Maka's mother was barely there, but Maka used that in a positive way to get a head start on learning to be a responsible adult in the future. And yet despite her mother not being there for her, she showed no fear, but admiration. How does that work, to not fear your ultimate authority?
"Distance yourself gradually from the girl, send her away if she mentions me or any fear, act like nothing's wrong, especially here, even sever the bond if you have to," Medusa ordered. "You're too close to this girl, and your pathetic, spineless mass is going to crack under her pressure if you get any closer to her."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good, good," Medusa said, smirking. She got up from the bed and walked over to the dresser. She picked up the picture of Crona and Maka. "Now, be a good little one and get your act together," Medusa said, walking back towards Crona. She leaned in really close to their face. "You know if you ever break it, that it still won't make any difference." she added. "If you get taken away from me, there'll be no way for you to ever see the Albarn girl or any of your other friends ever again; Shibusen's a very expensive school, it's unlikely most in the area will be able to afford it."
"I know," Crona replied. Unlikely, but not impossible, right? they thought. No, it'll be pretty much impossible.
"It's because of me and only me your life is the way it is," Medusa said, eyeing Crona with an awful glare. "Without me, you wouldn't be in the school that you are, you wouldn't be able to see any of your friends, you wouldn't be able to do anything, even. Besides, it's morally wrong to separate a mother and child, no matter the circumstances."
Just then, both Gorgons heard the faint sound of the doorbell ringing.
"I swear, if that's her, I'm just going to send her back across the street," Medusa groaned. "If her mother's home, she will have to deal with her little brat's prying," she added, walking out of Crona's room and up the stairs, presumably to the doorstep.
"She's going to send Maka away forever, isn't she?" Crona asked themself. "I don't want that to happen, I can't deal with losing her."
Crona held the pillow even tighter, hoping that whoever was at the door wasn't Maka. They didn't care if it was Ragnarok, a delivery guy, a solicitor, anyone but Maka. Letting things go with her would eliminate the only ray of hope Crona had felt in years. They didn't want to lose that. Even if Maka's kindness was fake, or if she only considered Crona to be a project, would it be far better than being Ragnarok's punching bag, or worse, Medusa's nothing? A series of loud thumps coming from the stairwell interrupted Crona's descent into the darker recesses of their mind. What was that noise? they thought, cautiously letting go of their pillow and peeking out their bedroom door. At the bottom of the stairs was a Roomba, turned on its back, with one of its wheels broken. It appeared to have fallen down the stairs. Crona sighed, and returned to their room.
"She can't see you right now!" Medusa snapped, off in the distance. Crona quickly grabbed their pillow and hid in the corner. It's Maka, isn't it? they thought. She's the one at the door, isn't she? Lady Medusa's going to tell her she can't ever see me again, isn't she?
Crona heard the front door slam, and then silence. Tense, excruciatingly unbearable silence that continued on for about four minutes, before it was ended by the creaking open of Crona's bedroom door. They saw the familiar honey-colored twist of Medusa's hair, and the small device she was holding. Whatever happened back there must have crossed a line, Crona thought. And I crossed a line, since she needed to bring that out.
"When you go to school on Monday, put this in one of your ears," Medusa ordered. Medusa then handed Crona the earpiece. "It'll automatically pick up everything you say, and what others say to you, with no way for you to turn it off," she added. "I'm not sure if I can trust you to keep things up on your own anymore."
"Yes, ma'am," Crona replied, trying to make eye contact with Medusa, but they could barely manage.
"I was going to use this as a last resort, but after the little incident at the door, I figured I'd go ahead and bring it out now," Medusa said. "Go on, test it."
Crona looked at the small device in their hand, about the size and shape of an earplug. Where does she even get the time to make this stuff? they thought, inserting it into their ear. Medusa put her finger to her left ear. There was a sharp buzzing sound coming from Crona's earpiece, and they tried to remove the device, wincing in pain.
"You inserted it wrong," Medusa blankly said, watching Crona struggle with the still-buzzing earpiece. "I can't believe someone wouldn't be able to accomplish such a simple task," she added, as Crona got the earpiece out. They could still hear a faint, high-pitched sound.
"It's still..."
"It's off, you just were enough of an idiot to give yourself tinnitus," Medusa said, taking the earpiece from Crona, and turning it around. "You insert it this way," Medusa said, putting the device in Crona's other ear. "There, now I'll be able to keep tabs on you better at school, which is incidentally the only place you'll be allowed to be outside of the house for the rest of the semester. Events don't count, but club practices do."
Medusa left the room, as Crona poked at their still-ringing ear. It's not going to be like this forever, isn't it? And what "incident at the door" did Lady Medusa mean? Maka must've showed up, Lady Medusa wouldn't have acted like this because of any other person. Just the one who's closest to finding out. Still, I'm sure if she did, Maka would just-
"Crona, do you hear me?" Medusa asked, as Crona picked her words up in their earpiece.
"Yes, Lady Medusa!" Crona replied, a bit startled.
"And I heard you," Medusa added. "Good, now if you ever slip up, I'll know, and I'll be ready. Take it out for now, and put it back on once you go to school. Don't try to fry it in the gym showers, the resulting electric shock will deafen you in that ear, and possibly get to your brain. And if you remove it, I'll know."
Crona removed the earpiece, mentally noting which way it had to be inserted for next time. Whatever happened up at the door made Lady Medusa take these measures, made her lose her last bit of trust.
"I'm untrustable, aren't I?" Crona asked themself, setting the earpiece down. "Maybe I should just disappear." They heard Medusa on the other side of the door grumbling something about a tenacious brat. Crona heard their cell phone ring. Oh, she didn't take that away from me, they thought, picking it up. They saw Maka's name on the screen, and their heart skipped a beat. They answered.
"Maka?" Crona asked in a hushed tone.
"Why are you whispering?" Maka asked in return.
"Not important," Crona replied.
"Okay then," Maka said. "Hey, at school earlier, were you going to ask me to the formal?"
Crona paused for a second, as they tried to regain their composure. They took a deep breath, as their heart was racing.
"Because I wouldn't mind, actually," Maka added. Words failed Crona at this moment. Their hand trembled a bit against the covers, and they could feel their face becoming bright and blushy. She can't be, she's just humoring me, isn't she? There's no way that Maka would actually want to go, she has shown contempt for the event, what caused her to change her mind?
"We could go as friends, if you'd want to for a bit," Maka said. Friends. Crona looked down at their feet, as a feeling of dread surfaced in their stomach. Why did that word seem to upset them? Maka was their friend, it shouldn't make them feel this way when she reaffirms that.
"Actually, I can't make it," Crona replied, voice quaking.
"What? Why?" Maka asked.
"I... I think I'm in trouble for something," Crona replied. "I'm sorry."
"Oh," Maka sighed. Crona detected the disappointment in Maka's voice, and it pained them to hear it. "I guess we'll be seeing each other again on Monday, then," Maka added.
"Okay," Crona replied. "Bye."
They hung up the phone, and turned it to silent, before cramming it into the back of their dresser drawer. I'm not going to pull this out again at all tonight, I don't even care if I forget it, Crona thought. Crona then sat back down on their bed, and buried their face in their hands, expecting tears to flow. Of course you'll never be anything other than a friend to her, they thought. Why are you letting that bother you? And essentially rejecting her? What an awful move, no wonder Lady Medusa has you in a near-constant state of punishment. You don't deserve Maka. Not even as a friend. Why do you find her so damn important? Oh, wait, I guess you must love her, don't you?
"Damn it," Crona muttered to themself. "Of course this had to happen," they added. "I'm not sure if I can deal with this at all," Crona sighed, laying facedown on their pillow. Pathetic. It's not like you even deserve her love. Seeking it would just be a waste, yet here you are. How long has it been since that day? Two and a half months of summer, and nearly three months of school year. You've barely known her half a year, and those first few months still echo in your head. Before you slipped up on Halloween and made things worse.
Remembering that summer started to make the tears flow all over again. Crona just buried their face in the pillow and hoped it would muffle the crying. They tried to mainly focus about the happy memories from the rest of that summer to try to cheer themself up. About those days where they just talked with Maka out in one of their yards, or on the Gorgons' front porch. About the first time the two held hands, and how natural it seemed to feel. And the first time the two were in their school uniforms, meaning they'd still be able to spend so much time together, possibly even more than that.
"I... I can't believe we're both going to Shibusen," Crona said, walking away from the mirror after just having tried on their new uniform.
"I know, it's one of the best private schools in the state!" Maka exclaimed in reply. The joy in her voice was practically contagious, as the two soon-to-be freshmen were trying on the different uniform combinations. Crona picked up a black necktie and a ribbon tie of the same color.
"I wonder why they have different uniform options?" they asked themself, as Maka put a black sweater vest over her button-up shirt. She turned to the mirror and twirled in her skirt a bit.
"Something about fostering student creativity and individuality to improve the educational environment," Maka replied, admiring how she looked in the full-length mirror. "Why else do you think administration was also kind enough to let you keep dying your hair that cute shade of pink?"
"Cute?" Crona asked. "How can a color be cute?"
"It just is, you don't have to question it," Maka replied. "And speaking of cuteness, I think you'd look adorable in that ribbon tie," she added, pointing to the ribbon in Crona's left hand. Crona set the necktie back on Maka's dresser, and slid the ribbon underneath their shirt collar, tying it into a thin bow. Maka stepped away from the mirror.
"I think I'm going to go with this," she said. "Although I'm still not sure whether I should go with ribbon or regular tie," she added. "Well, guess I could alternate."
Crona looked at themself in the mirror.
"She's right, the ribbon tie does work well for me," they whispered.
"Speaking of alternating, I think I'm going to wear the slacks some days," Crona said. "I mean, it's not that I don't like the skirt or anything, it's nice," they added, pausing.
"Whichever one you're comfortable with, I guess," Maka replied.
"My mother says I have to wear the skirt for the entirety of the first week, though," Crona added. "Something about preventing everyone from mistaking me for a boy. But now I guess they'll mistake me for a girl."
"Then correct them when they do," Maka replied. "It's not your fault if they get it wrong, and if they give you a hard time about it, tell me and I'll kick their ass into next week," Maka added, rolling up her sleeve and flexing her elbow a bit in an attempt to look tough, despite her being barely five feet tall, wide-eyed, and having her hair tied in pigtails. Maka still looked like she could break a guy's jaw with one punch regardless.
"You'd really do that for me?" Crona asked, actually feeling like what a non-forced smile was like.
"Yeah," Maka said, pulling her sleeve back to its default position. "You know, you have a really cute smile," she added.
That was when it all started spiraling from not just the comfort and security of friendship, to a curious little feeling of budding love. Which then bloomed. Crona was never one for subtlety in their emotions, so they were sure Maka must have known about it without even having to be told, regardless of whether she felt the same way.
They snapped out of their memories, not wanting to drift to the point where Medusa found out, and started to make threats. Disallowing Maka from being in the house, taking away Crona's house key, and working on the earpieces. What was once a sweet, loving friendship turned to a sweet, loving friendship being used as leverage. Crona was allowed to keep ties with Maka, just as long as they were not too close, and that Maka never found out about Medusa's treatment of Crona, or Medusa might get even worse, a thought that at this point, Crona could not bear to become reality.
"Counseling?" Medusa yelled over the phone, within earshot of Crona. They lifted their head off the pillow by only an inch or two, before laying back down.
"What are they worried about this time?" Crona asked themself, keeping their voice down as to not interrupt their mother's call.
"Listen to me, Mjolnir, Crona doesn't need any counseling, so stop letting my child talk to you," Medusa barked. "I don't care about whatever disorder you say my child has, I'm not going to pay extra on top of its tuition... I mean her tuition… wait, it's free? But I still think counseling services from a woman like you are useless when all my child needs is a good talk with its mother," she added. There was a pause. Crona contemplated pretending to be asleep when Medusa would inevitably barge into their room and tighten her demands of them, but not only was it barely past seven-forty, but they were still in their school uniform. She would never believe it.
"An eating disorder?" Medusa asked. "What makes you think that?" she pondered with faked innocence. Crona could hear a few "mhms" from Medusa as this Mjolnir person, presumably the counselor, went on about what she suspected.
"I see," Medusa said. "Well, like I said, nothing a mother can't fix," she added. "Besides, a counselor doesn't truly care about her patient, she's just doing it for the money, right? And I heard you specifically say in the teachers' lounge that you were wanting to get married and subsequently quit your job as soon as possible, so how can I even guarantee you'll even care about my child in the first place? Goodbye, Miss Mjolnir."
Crona heard the click of their doorknob turning, and Medusa walk back in.
"First the Albarn brat at the door, and now the counselor calling me, suspecting eating disorders?" Medusa ranted, slamming the door. Crona made an audible whimper of fright when the door slammed. Medusa scoffed at the noise.
"I had to turn her down because I can't trust someone like you with talking to a professional," Medusa added. "But the eating disorder thing gives me an idea."
"What?" Crona asked, sensing trouble. They didn't want to lie and say they were starving themself, when in reality their mother was starving them. It just didn't feel right.
"You told the Albarn brat you were scared of me, you can tell her a 'reason' now, and it'll explain your gradual loss of weight over the course of the semester," Medusa said. "This is a genius idea, why didn't I think of it?" she asked. "It'll put everyone off the hook, and life can continue on just as it should be."
"It's one thing to leave out the truth, but I don't think I can deal with telling her a flat-out lie!" Crona replied. "Especially about something so serious."
"You wouldn't want me to no longer even give you lunch money, and make you feel true, uninterrupted starvation again now, would you?" Medusa asked, glaring again with those snakelike eyes.
"I understand, Lady Medusa," Crona replied, sinking their face back into the pillow.
"Still, it would explain everything in a way that is tragically normal in today's society," Medusa added. "So many kids your age are getting them because of body image issues and the like, I've even had to treat a poor kid who passed out due to one last year, so it's not unheard of in this school. And you even bind your chest, so I'm sure with your intelligence level, everyone would assume you'd think starving yourself would only get rid of the fat in your breasts or something, and you'd be ignoring the effects on the rest of your body, because eventually, you think you'll naturally have a completely flat chest again, just like before puberty hit."
"Wait, how do you know about the binding?" Crona asked. I never told her I was, even back when I used bandages. And more importantly, why would she think I'd starve myself just for a flatter chest when I own a binder? they thought. I guess it's just for an alibi, but it doesn't seem logical at all.
"Crona, do you think I'm stupid?" Medusa asked. "I'm your mother, of course I'd know about those things. Also, I saw you trying to wash it in the bathroom sink and making a huge mess of things. Where'd you even get such a thing anyway?"
"Maka gave it to me," Crona replied. "I didn't ask her to, she just did on her own after she found out about the bandages."
"And we're back to her," Medusa hissed. "Just promise me that if she asks, you'll tell the brat that you were afraid of me because you 'have an eating disorder', and didn't want me to find out, not for the real reason," she grumbled.
"Yes, Lady Medusa," Crona replied.
"And don't get any closer to her than you already are, I'd recommend you start to distance yourself, so she doesn't even notice at first, until by the end of the year, it'll be like you're a stranger," Medusa added. "You would do that for your dear mother, wouldn't you?" she asked.
Crona hesitated a bit.
"Yes, Lady Medusa," they replied.
"Good," Medusa said, smiling. Apparently pleased with this, she left the room, locking the door behind her from the outside.
Two simple rules, and both would soon become more and more broken. Like vases that were being chipped, piece by piece, until eventually they would become shattered heaps of broken glass on the floor. Perhaps it's time they should shatter.