A/N: Warning - Talk of depression and mention of suicide ahead.
Remus recognised in its entirety that it was completely moronic to sneak outside the castle, past curfew. He knew it was a stupid idea. The air was bitter cold and for all his layers, gloves and socks, nothing would prevent his bones from aching with the chill. But this was the sort of thing the Marauders lived for. Breaking rules. Being ridiculous. Going for a swim in a lake at midnight, in October.
Of course, Remus had no intention of actually getting into the water. He'd brought his book and a flask of hot-chocolate that Sirius had prepared for him. He swore he could taste a kick of firewhiskey, but he wasn't about to complain. He'd take anything he could get to warm him up by this point. He sat by a tree, drinking with a blanket over his lap. His friends were worryingly loud, but they were laughing and happy, and he couldn't help but ignore his book and watch them with a smile on his face. They were idiots, but they were his friends. And Sirius, Remus thought, looked particularly incredible without a shirt and with his hair wet- though he tried not to focus on that.
"Oh, come on Remus!" James shouted, not for the first time. "Just for a few minutes! It'll make you feel so alive."
"Adrenaline junkie." Remus replied, matter of factly. For a minute, he shook his head, and then began to strip anyway. It wasn't peer pressure so much as a fear of missing out on what they seemed to think was a marvellous experience. Besides, what would an hour or so of pain do in the long run? His friends would distract him from the cold and in a few hours they'd be back in their dorm, exhausted, drinking the last of their hot chocolate and falling asleep in each other's beds after singing and talking until they passed out.
The boys began cheering and splashing as he dived from the path into the water, but the second he hit the water he found he regretted his decision. It wasn't just cold, it was freezing, and suddenly his throat had closed and he couldn't breathe. Getting back to the surface was a struggle, and when he emerged he couldn't even get the breath to tell the others he needed help. He was shivering violently - he couldn't even control his arms to keep himself afloat.
And then Sirius' arms were around him, holding him up, and he was the one calling to James and Peter. Remus could only shake and splutter as he was carried back to dry land. Within a matter of moments, not only his own clothes, but all of their clothes were being wrapped around him in an attempt to warm him up.
"Are you okay, Remus?" Peter asked, worriedly, as James tried to transfigure a towel from a sock to help dry him and only managed a flannel.
He couldn't speak. His throat felt constricted, still. He nodded, anyway, and laid back into the grass. He hadn't felt so utterly humiliated since they'd found out about his affliction.
"No, you're not." Sirius corrected him. The usual teasing and boisterousness was gone, and all that remained was the friend, with concern written across his features. "We're not taking any chances, you're going to the hospital wing." He took back his clothes and began to dress, pulling his shirt over his head quickly.
"What? That's an overreaction Sirius. He'll warm up." James attempted to reason, but Remus secretly agreed with Sirius and was glad when he shook his head.
Sirius could be more stubborn than the rest of them put together when he wanted, and in this case it was a blessing. It wasn't that he wanted to go the infirmary. Remus had realised in first year that he was going to spend more time in that dreaded place than he would ever want to. But, the way he currently felt, he'd be more than happy to go and see Madam Pomfrey.
"No, I'm not risking it. You both go save yourselves. You have Quidditch practices you can't miss, James. I'll take Remus, say it was my fault."
"Sirius-"
"It's fine." Sirius insisted to his friends. "This was a stupid idea, anyway. We'll try again in the summer."
Eventually, he convinced James to take Peter back to the Gryffindor Tower and, whilst still shivering excessively, Remus found his voice again.
"Sirius, I'll be okay."
"You don't know that." Sirius shot back, helping him to his feet. "I saw your face as you were coming, you knew it was a bad idea."
"I just wanted to be able to do the things that you can do." Remus admitted. He knew it was stupid and immature. It wasn't that he felt left out. But the doubts were always there, eating at his self-confidence. Even with everything the boys were doing for him; becoming animagi and risking their lives, he was still scared they'd eventually reject him and replace him with someone… human.
"And I want you to be safe and alive, Remus." Sirius replied quietly. "How's walking? It's your muscles, isn't it, from the transformations?"
"Yeah. They seized up a little. I'm sorry I ruined your evening."
"Remy, stop it. If I'd known this would happen I'd have happily sat in the common room with you listening to the wireless and getting drunk. We're a team, aren't we? So when one of us falls it's my duty to pick you up." He gestured to the way he was practically carrying Remus, and grinned brilliantly.
"I'm being serious." Remus protested. "You're supposed to just offer me a hand, not have to carry me. That's not what friendship is."
"No, I'm Sirius." If possible, his grin widened and delight glittered in his eyes. "Just leave it, Remus. We want to help you. We want to be your friends, and the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be."
They were silent for a little while then, slowly making their way to the third floor. It was difficult to think about what Sirius had told him. All his life, he'd only ever been exposed to people who wanted to help him. His parents, Dumbledore, the boys and Madam Pomfrey. He'd always been protected from the cruel people. But he knew they were there. He knew there were people who wanted him dead, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the time he had with the kinder people, surely?
"You're going to get in trouble you know." Remus said, as they approached the infirmary. "If you leave me here, I can make up a different excuse."
"No way. I'm making sure you get treated, moron."
Sirius spoke with affection, and Remus didn't mind the insult. He selfishly revelled in the feel of Sirius' arms around him. It wasn't exactly a rare occurrence. As a group of teenage boys, Remus thought they were closer than any others in the Castle, but it worked for them. It worked in first year when he'd climbed into bed with Peter when he was homesick. It worked when Sirius climbed into bed with him after he'd had a nightmare, and it worked when James would fall asleep on a couch in the common room with his long legs strewn over all three of them.
"Mr Lupin, Mr Black?" Madam Pomfrey greeted them as she joined them in the infirmary, shortly after they'd arrived. "What have you done this time, Mr Black?"
"Well, my dear Madam Pomfrey, I'm afraid in our tireless efforts to flaunt every rule in this school, I convinced my darling Remus here to sneak out with me to the Black Lake. I could handle it perfectly well, but I'm afraid Remy here couldn't take the cold." And then his tone because serious once more. "He was shivering, gasping for air and had muscle spasms. I wanted to make sure he was going to be alright."
Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips, seemingly unsure whether to be angry with Sirius or appreciate his concern. When she looked to Remus for approval, he found himself nodding in agreement with Sirius. In reality, it had all happened so quickly and he now found himself so tired that he didn't much know anything anymore.
"Very well. It sounds like cold shock, but it shouldn't do any lasting damage. Mr Lupin is less able to cope with extreme conditions, Mr Black. His body struggles to regulate the same way others do. I'm surprised Mr Pettigrew didn't have an asthma attack, frankly."
Sirius' eyes widened, almost comically. "Oh. Peter wasn't there. Just Remus and I." He said, charmingly, and utterly unconvincingly in Remus' opinion.
"If you say so. I'm going to prescribe medical chocolate, a pain reliever and a mild sleeping potion. You're staying here tonight, Mr Lupin, but you should be fine to head back to Gryffindor Tower in the morning."
"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey." Remus finally spoke up, softly.
"Mr Black. Could you possibly accompany me to my office?" The matron said, already striding to the office in question.
Sirius and Remus exchanged eye contact, and Remus had a particularly unpleasant feeling that his best friend was about to get a significant telling-off.
. . .
Sirius swallowed back his nerves as he closed the office door behind him. "I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey, I didn't realise what it would do to him-." He began, but the woman shook her head gently.
"Did you really take Remus out, or is that a cover up story?"
"I'm sorry?" Sirius asked, blanking.
"Mr Black, I need to know if you actually saw this happen or if this is something Remus did of his own accord."
"What? No, he- Hang on- do you think he's trying to kill himself?" Sirius asked, paling instantly at the sad look on the woman's face. Never in a million years had he expected that. "No- I swear, we all went out. It was a complete accident." He paused, swallowing again. "Why? Has he tried…?"
"I'm afraid I can't say, Mr Black." Pomfrey said quietly, but she'd practically answered the question anyway and Sirius thought his heart was breaking. "It is not uncommon for Werewolves to develop depression, and there have been so few werewolves as young as Remus. All I'll say is that I'm watching him carefully."
"Should we be?" Sirius asked. He'd never thought Remus ever looked depressed. He got moody before the full moon, sure, but nothing that some chocolate and bedrest couldn't solve. Besides, it was to be expected. If Sirius had to turn into a wolf once a month, he'd probably get a little angsty too, he imagined.
"Not necessarily. I'm just encouraging you to be aware. If there were ever any arguments or anything that might cause his mood to spiral, please inform me." She paused, briefly. "You are a good friend to him, Sirius, but Remus' condition is far more than simply being tentative around him during the full moon. The way it affects him will also change as he gets older. He might cope better or he might not."
"He won't kill himself. He wouldn't. He has to look after us lot." He spoke with much more confidence than he felt, but from that moment on Sirius decided that he would not once take Remus Lupin for granted.