Hi everybody. Sorry for the long wait, but I've been so busy with school I haven't had time for anything else. I'm sure you all can understand, but luckily, I'll be done in another four months, so then I can breathe again. I own nothing and please review.
Chapter 10
Teddy listened to the rain as it pounded against the windows of the bus in that moment wanting to be anywhere, but there.
"For once I'd rather be in Fox River" the thought surprised Teddy even as it crossed his mind his eyes scanning the view that passed outside the window as Chicago became more than a distant speck his heart throbbing at the thought of the events about to take place there.
"She's actually doing it—divorcing me" Teddy laid his head back against the seat his hands cuffed as he felt the bus teeter on the road getting short as Chicago came closer along with the hearing that he didn't want to go to. As the bus moved, Teddy's mind wasn't in it, his heart wasn't either as he pictured what was about to happen.
"My Lizzy will be there—just out of reach" Teddy saw her in the back of his mind and part of him wondered how she would react to seeing him again and as much as he did want to see her, today Teddy also did not because this hearing would make it so that she was no longer his wife. And there was nothing he could do about it.
Teddy sat in his seat his mind racing with thoughts he couldn't control as events that he also had no control over took place around him. He thought of her, of the words in every letter he had ever written her, and as much as he hoped they would prevent this day they hadn't. Lizzy seemed determined not to believe them and as their past, both the good and bad, went through his mind like a reel, Teddy found he couldn't blame her. Instead, he blamed himself, for it had been him that led them here; he was the one that left her that morning. Her face glued itself into his brain and it smiled, but Teddy found he couldn't smile back. He would be seeing that face very soon and, in that moment, he wondered about the changes he would see in it. Would he see how he had broken her? Would he see how he had hurt her beyond repair? As those questions ran through his mind, Teddy found himself almost reluctant to see her.
"I have to face what I've done" thought Teddy the words slipping like poison through his mind making her image fade as he thought of how that woman had changed because of him his heart deeply reluctant to face her after everything that had passed and was about to pass between them. The truth was Teddy didn't want to see the damage he had done. He wanted to see her again and have her be the strong woman he had married. He didn't want to see how he had hurt and broken her heart. Teddy wanted to remember her as he had left her, but even as he thought that he knew he was preventing the inevitable. Eventually, he would have to face the consequences of what he had done by leaving her that day, and those consequences were happening today. It all served to remind him of the woman he'd left behind and of everything she had been before he did so.
To Teddy, his Lizzy had been the jewel in a crown he didn't deserve, and yet she had been his all the same. She had been so beautiful, no real jewel compared to her, and when she had been in his arms he had tried with all his heart to treat her like the diamond that she was. When they were together, Teddy remembered how she would smile at him, how she always seemed to be doing that, and how she would look at him with a glint in her eyes that looking back he couldn't see when she looked at anyone else. She had cherished him as he had cherished her and loved him devotedly until he had betrayed her in the worst way. His Lizzy had been his equal, she didn't really need him, he knew that from the moment he met her, but she wanted him. She was strong, fierce, she didn't need him to take care of her because she had proven within days of them meeting that she could take care of herself. In a way, she had taken care of him too, and let her guard down so he could attempt to do the same where she allowed him to. She had trusted him in every way, in ways she didn't trust others, and he had proven her trust faulty in every way in the end. Thinking of the moment to come in that moment, Teddy thought of the woman he had fallen in love with and he knew that that was not the woman he would see today. He knew she would try to look strong as always, but he knew her too well. She wouldn't be able to hide the damage he had done from his all-knowing gaze. Teddy was reminded of what a fool he had been then his eyes scanning the rain as it lay silently trickling down the window pane. They reminded him of tears, of the tears he knew she had cried for him that he hadn't been there to see or prevent. They made him sad as he looked at them tracing them with his eyes. He should have been. If he had he knew they would not be here now. Teddy felt his heart given an aching throb as the thought passed his body seeming to slump against the seat as they rolled on toward Chicago. Memories of her were stabbing into his brain reminding him of what he had done as the drive went on and on. Part of Teddy wanted it to go on and on for so many reasons that he knew to be completely selfish. If he never got there, to Chicago, she would always be his wife, and if he never got there, he would never go back to Fox River. Teddy wanted both those things as they drove on knowing deep down the whole way that both those things were hopeless dreams. Lizzy filled his mind the rest of the drive. Teddy remembered her as she had been, savoring it, before that image would be shattered by what he had done. He remembered his Lizzy, the way she would wrap her arms around him from behind. He never heard her coming, but he had liked that.
Teddy had missed that the most, the way she could sneak up on him in a way no one else could.
"It took so long after she knew the truth to get her to do that again" Teddy remembered those months after that how timid she became around him. It was like he had to redeem himself in her eyes, make her trust him again; sitting there Teddy realized he would have to do that all over again. Part of Teddy was afraid he couldn't do it again. It had taken him months last time, and this was a lot worse.
"She has every right to want a divorce…to never want me near her again" thought Teddy part of him wondering if Jimmy hadn't been right that maybe he should leave her be even as his heart screamed for him not to give up. His eyes kept being drawn back to the window as thoughts went through his mind. Teddy didn't want to think of his future without a chance at a future with her. He didn't want to think of what her future without him would look like. A future where some other man who didn't deserve her as much as him was by her side every day kissing and squeezing and touching her in ways only he had done once. Teddy didn't want to think of it, but the thought didn't go away. He wanted to have her in his arms again. He wanted to stay married to her, to dance with her again, to kiss her. As those thoughts went through his mind, Teddy wondered what she was doing in that moment or if maybe she was having any second thoughts about this.
Although he knew once again that it made him selfish, Teddy hoped that she was. That this hearing would be all for nothing or that she would call it all off at the last minute. He didn't see it happening, but it was yet another hope he let bloom in his heart as the bus drove on through the pouring rain.
"I'm here and I'm doing this" in that same moment that was the thought that entered Elizabeth's mind as Teddy was in a bus moving towards Chicago her nerves icy as if freezing her in place. The truth was Elizabeth had been having second thoughts since arriving in Chicago the day before. They wouldn't seem to leave her along with his memory as she sat in a hotel room having no interest in seeing the city. She just wanted to get this hearing over with, so she could go home or at least that was what she told herself. She had come alone despite Bobby then Heather's offers to go with her. But Bobby was the last person she wanted with her today and Heather, well, Elizabeth had insisted on doing this herself though sometimes she regretted that as she sat in her hotel room alone. Elizabeth had to face Teddy at that hearing on her own. She had to look at him and show him what he had done to her while somehow looking strong at the same time. That's what she wanted, but as the time for the hearing approached, Elizabeth wasn't confident she could. Her doubts weren't leaving her even as her lawyer went over everything with her, again, and divorcing him seemed to be changing nothing.
This was not the new beginning Elizabeth had desperately hoped for when she sighed those papers that day. She was severing their connection as man and wife even as his memory haunted her, clung to her like the skin around her bones. The love that beat in her heart for him wasn't dissolving or disappearing the way she had hoped it would. Sometimes, to Elizabeth, it felt like it was getting stronger though for the life of her she had no idea how. Teddy just wouldn't leave her be. He was everywhere, but especially in her dreams. Every night, Elizabeth closed her eyes only to find him there leaning against her very thoughts the way he had always done and smiling that grin that melted her as always. His memory played like an old movie in her mind reminding her why she had loved him, fallen so deeply in love with him in fact, and yet also reminding her of what he had done to get them to where they were now. It made Elizabeth think that maybe she was just kidding herself. That getting over him was impossible and she would always be his wife even after the courts said she wasn't. There seemed to be no getting over him. This hearing to her seemed to be turning into a sham, a formality that would mean nothing to them in the end. And yet she was still doing it because she wanted to be free. To stop the pain the beat around in her heart like glass stabbing her until she was bleeding to death. She wanted there to be a chance that someday she could be okay again even as she doubted it would ever happen every single day. The day of the hearing, Elizabeth was reminded of that when his memory awoke her from her dream state. His name left her lips so easily then just as it had done when he made love to her those many times and blinking away tears that came anyway, Elizabeth sat in the bed of her hotel room her breath heaving as it left her lungs. The dream of their past flooded her mind again in flashes that made her heart pound. Elizabeth couldn't make them stop as she closed her eyes desperately willing them to. After a moment that lasted too long, Elizabeth opened her eyes as those memories became a dull ache, and as the tears leaked like rain to cover her cheeks, she placed her hand over her heart feeling the shattered glass of their love still stabbing inside her.
"I just want this to end" the words left her lips on a breath that sounded too much like a sob her doubts growing as the words faded into the air.
"Soon, he'll be right there, and I don't want him to see what he's done to me—I don't want him to have something to laugh at when he sees me. I want him to feel ashamed, to regret leaving me…he can't see this" thought Elizabeth real sobs erupting from her chest as she held in the urge to scream his face entering her mind. She wasn't sure how to feel about that as she lay back down still remembering the dream. It hadn't really been a dream at all, more of a memory replaying in her head.
"Of all the things to think of now" thought Elizabeth even as she remembered it still the irony of what she was thinking of not lost on her. Elizabeth found herself thinking of their wedding night on the very day when their marriage was ending.
That memory was a throbbing pain within her as she let the images of it flit inside her head. She remembered everything. From his kisses to his touch to every word he spoke, and each thought brought her pain because it wasn't the happy memory it once more. It was now yet another reminder of the sham their love had been. Thinking back on that time, Elizabeth couldn't remember not being happy or not smiling. She had always been smiling before he left. She had always had this glint that she had thought was true happiness back then and as she remembered that glint, Elizabeth suddenly missed that feeling. That feeling that represent a type of assurance that everything was going to be alright. It was a feeling she wanted back as she lay in that bed utterly sure that nothing would ever be alright again. He had made her happy and looking back on it, Elizabeth realized that she wanted to go back to that. Even if everything they had was a lie, she wanted to return to a time when she had been completely and utterly happy. When Teddy had been there telling her, he loved her and making her that way. Elizabeth wanted to feel like the future had meaning again and laying there she knew, for her, it hadn't had a shred of meaning since she woke up that day to find him gone. She had been stumbling alone ever since. That had brought her to her greatest fear. That she would never feel that way again. That she wasn't meant for happiness anymore but destined to live her life as she had been since his departure until death happened upon her. Elizabeth thought that also meant that she would never get over Teddy or ever forget him. She thought her happiness was depended on forgetting he ever existed in her world and that thought alone is what kept him so alive in her memory even as she wished every day to forget the man she had loved with every bit of love she possessed.
That Theodore Bagwell would always be there to haunt the halls of her heart. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. To Elizabeth, that moment had been wonderful. After they were officially man and wife, they had returned to the bar.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Bagwell" Teddy had announced as he carried her inside his lips seeking hers soon after not parting until he had set her feet back on the ground.
"Can't get rid of me now" Teddy had whispered under his breath his hands pulling her closer to cradle her in his arms.
"That was the plan" Elizabeth remembered a laugh bursting from her lips as she leaned in close to him her arms draping over his neck as she moved to kiss him again. Their kisses became more fervent as they went until suddenly Elizabeth found herself pulled away from him to tend bar. Before leaving him, she remembered smiling still thinking that she would never be happier then she was right then. To her, this was her fairy tale ending, the one she had wanted, but never dared hope for. Everything with him felt right even as she walked away from him to stand behind the bar. That night had felt like a new beginning too. Elizabeth couldn't stop smiling and she knew it was because of him, because of the feel of his eyes on her never leaving her as she worked, and she liked that, loved it really. It was part of their future, him there always with her, watching her, and that was the way she had wanted to be. She had always enjoyed the feel of his eyes on her and that night was no exception even when he was suddenly pulling her into his arms. His lips pressed into hers and Elizabeth didn't care if she had other things to do, he was all she knew.
"Lizzy—would you allow me to steal you away for a little while" Teddy had breathed the words against her lips giving her chills even as he was guiding her away. Walking backwards with her in his arms, Teddy continued to kiss her his lips moving of their own accord until finding her neck he buried his face there. Elizabeth felt as he tugged her close her arms around him her hands guiding him as he covered her skin with kisses and licks that made her want to push him to the floor and rip all his clothes off. Restraining herself, Elizabeth remembered just pulling his lips back to hers.
"Yes, you can do whatever you want—I am your wife now" Elizabeth had enjoyed saying it and when he looked at her, Teddy seemed to enjoy hearing it. He kissed her in that moment deeply, passionately and it was as he was kissing her that she heard Patsy Cline's voice fill the bar. It made her pull away a smile one her lips as their eyes met.
"What's up your sleeve, Teddy?" said Elizabeth letting him take her hand.
"Nothing, just hoping to get a dance with my wife—from what I hear it's all part of this marrying thing" whispered Teddy their foreheads touching as he brought her away from the bar.
He brought her to the center of the room holding her close to his body as he drew her into a lingering kiss.
"I love you" Elizabeth remembered breathing in between kisses.
"Thank god, I married you" Teddy had said it his lips capturing hers so desperately afterwards that it took her breath away. Looking back, Elizabeth didn't know why he'd said that. It didn't feel like it was part of his act.
When he said it, Teddy had looked genuine, acted genuine; everything had felt genuine. As much as Elizabeth tried to understand those words out of his mouth, she just never could. She chose to focus on other things about that memory, like that kiss or the way he held her against his chest after closing distracting her in a way that he had been doing since they met.
"May I take my bride upstairs or are ya gonna leave me waiting?" Teddy had whispered the words into the skin of her shoulders as his lips kissed them almost on a breath. Her hands had braced against the door then her body almost falling back into his arms.
"I have to clean the bar up" Elizabeth had said the words so low, Teddy had known she didn't want to say them. That was why Teddy spun her around his eyes gazing upon her as he leaned her up against the door and capturing her lips he lifted her into his arms. Elizabeth immediately wrapped her arms and legs around him kissing him right back as she did so.
"Come on, darling, you can do it in the morning" said Teddy his words a growl against her lips. Elizabeth remembered wanting to say yes immediately, to stop being held down by her obligations, and throw caution to the wind.
Teddy was the one that taught her to do that, both that night, and everyone that followed.
"Lead the way" Elizabeth had barely said the words before she was kissing him again. Teddy would always remember that night, the way he had pulled her almost harshly away from the wall, across the bar, and then up the stairs. They had stayed that way all the way up to the apartment. It wasn't until they reached the bedroom and Teddy was moving steadily towards the bed that she broke away.
"Put me down" the words came in one long gasp of a breath that at first, he didn't listen to. It wasn't until she said it again that Teddy had stopped.
"What's wrong?" Teddy had said it without putting her down still.
"Nothing—I just wanted to change" said Elizabeth hearing him chuckle as he began to mark her neck.
"Honey, you already look amazing" Teddy had said it with a growl in his voice feeling her fingers in his hair as he left his mark where he wanted it.
"Teddy—please, this is my wedding dress—I want to put it away, save it rather then have you rip it off" gasped Elizabeth her voice barely there as she tried to keep from becoming incoherent. Teddy still didn't stop until returning his lips to hers, he felt Elizabeth take his face in her hands, and drawing away she looked at him.
"Teddy Bear—I promise I'll be right back…and I'll be wearing something even better then what I'm wearing right now" said Elizabeth her voice low waiting only a moment before slowly he set her back on her feet. Elizabeth had kissed him then her lips slow as they moved over his.
"You won't be disappointed" Elizabeth had breathed smiling as she slipped away from him.
Teddy remembered that smile, it tugged at his heart every time it crossed his mind. He remembered that night too. He remembered it, dreamed about it, and he especially remembered the short yet long wait for her. Stripping down to his boxers, Teddy remembered staring at the bathroom door, and when it opened, a groan quickly left him. His Lizzy had appeared in a black slip made completely of lace.
She had approached him slowly, too slow for his liking, and gripping her waist, Teddy soon had her straddling him.
"Disappointed?" her voice had been almost playful before he silenced her with his lips. "Haven't had a disappointing moment since I met you" Teddy had growled the words as he let his lips descend down her neck. A moan left her lips as he did and holding him close, Teddy would always remember the way her skin felt then. It was so warm, almost electric, and pulling her hips down to meet his, Teddy had savored having her close.
It was that closeness he missed and now, he wondered if things would ever be that way again after all he had done. They had been in bliss then in every way especially that night. They both knew that every time they thought of it even Elizabeth as she lay in bed that morning remembering how it was to be in his arms. How when their hips met it had felt perfect, like they were made to fit together this way, and how when he looked at her it had felt the same. How when he kissed her again, she had thought she could feel his love in each movement of his lips. How she had reveled in it until he laid her on the bed with one movement his lips still covering her body.
Teddy remembered how she arched under his every touch. How she sought his kisses with her every movement until it became too much. Elizabeth had pulled him back to her clinging to him as she sought his kiss. As his lips returned to hers, Teddy had slid his hands over the long expanse of her legs until getting underneath her gown, he found her bare to him. It made him break away to look down at her his eyes black as they peered down into hers.
His hands began to slide the black lace higher up on her body until spreading her legs, Teddy nestled himself between them his fingers still lifting the lace higher.
"You never disappoint, darling…you look stunning, but—I'd really like to take this off now if you don't mind…I won't rip it" whispered Teddy his eyes never leaving hers.
"Take it off—I don't care if you rip it" her words came out quickly as she felt his hand already between her legs. Gently, he stroked over her folds before swiftly getting rid of the black lace slip his eyes traveling over her. Suddenly, his hands were on her thighs spreading her wider as his lips nipped at her neck again.
Elizabeth's eyes closed her hands guiding him as he moved over her. Teddy seemed to kiss every inch of skin he could find quickly descending lower until he was between her legs. No one had ever touched her the way he did, Elizabeth knew that both then, and now. Teddy had touched her, his touch light yet not gentle as he lapped at her trying to get her there, yet not at the same time. When he came to kiss her, they both thought she would start sobbing.
"I love you" Teddy had sounded so sincere both then and every time he said it, until he left she'd never had a reason to doubt him.
"I love you" Elizabeth breathed it right back into his kisses feeling as they became more fervent, desperate as he pressed himself between her legs. After he did that, Teddy had unexpectedly pulled away his eyes shining as they stared down at her.
"You're my wife now" he had said it with emotion in his voice his hands coming to cradle her face.
"Yes, I am, and you're my husband" Elizabeth remembered smiling as she said that for the first time that night.
Now, when she remembered those words, she didn't smile anymore. That smile remained on her lips as he kissed her, as her hands ran down his back even as she removed the last of his clothes. It didn't leave her until he was finally inside her the smile fading to be replaced with a look of pleasure, and the words oh god. For a moment, Teddy didn't move as he stared down at her memorizing her the way she looked when she was this way. She was his angel, his wife now, and the most beautiful woman, the most desirable woman in the world; she was more then he deserved.
Now, Teddy wished he'd told her that, but he hadn't. Instead, he had kissed her feeling the way she trembled at his touch as his hands hoisted her legs higher around his waist as he started to make love to her for the first time as his wife. Elizabeth remembered that night, the way he had touched her in two different ways; one, with blinders, and the other with a magnifying glass always looking for his lies. She remembered the feel of him, how he sent sparks across her very spine. In that moment, he felt like fireworks, Elizabeth could swear they were filling her lungs as he made love to her.
She felt those fireworks until they exploded inside her brain his lips falling onto hers as he followed her. In that moment, they were together in a coil of fiery emotion and passion that she swore she'd never feel with anyone else. As Elizabeth lay in bed that morning that memory still lingering in the back of her mind, she still thought that, and would think it for the rest of her life. No one would ever make her feel the way he did. He had made her feel like she wasn't just another woman, like she was unique, special.
He had made her love and be loved in a way no one had ever dared. He had made her feel things, love, hope, devotion to another human being, passion, but especially happiness. And then he had shattered it all, ruined everything when he decided she wasn't worth sticking around for anymore. That thought is what made her get out of bed that day and what made her shower and dress and walk out the door of her hotel room. Theodore Bagwell had made her think, feel, experience things no one had, and then he just walked away.
He thought she was the same naïve girl that he left, but she wasn't. Elizabeth remembered his letter, his heartfelt declarations of love, and she knew that girl would have believed him. But she couldn't because that girl was dead. She had died when he left, when he betrayed her with Susan Hollander, and when he went to prison. He had broken that girl and that was why more then anything, Elizabeth knew she would never feel that way again.
Elizabeth simply walked out the door that day her head held high. She would do what he had done, she thought, and walk away from something she no longer needed. Teddy could stay with her, a memory to crush her, but the real man wouldn't be allowed to do that anymore. In that moment, Elizabeth made up her mind, she was divorcing him, starting again, somehow, and more then anything she was going to try not to look back. Her lawyer was waiting in the lobby of her hotel and walking towards him she tried to radiate strength, but she couldn't even fool herself.
They shook hands both wearing somber smiles and walking to a car, suddenly, all too suddenly, Elizabeth found herself standing with him in front of the courthouse.
"Ms. Parker…are you sure you're ready for this?" the lawyer said it, but the words didn't register for a moment. Elizabeth was staring at the building feeling suddenly lost as she tried to keep her composure while trying to remember to breath all at the same time.
"I'm ready" said Elizabeth before it was even true.