Chapter 9: Learning
Gail
How to have an adult conversation didn't exist in the Gail Peck handbook, every relationship prior to Holly paled in comparison. With Holly, I found myself participating in acts and feelings that used to terrify me. We had been sitting here staring at each other for nearly 20 minutes, both of us unsure of the proper starting point of our impending conversation, the file, our feelings, or my brother. Maybe Holly wanted me to start, afraid that I might leave if she brought up the case or my abduction.
"Um." Holly muttered, looking at her lap, taking a deep breath, I took that as my queue to start. "Growing up, my parents" I glanced out the window; the sun warmed the room with a dull glow. "The superintendent and the inspector told Steve and me that we would work for the force, we have no alternative options. I would follow in the family footsteps, join the force, be a cop, and move up the ranks until they were both satisfied with my efforts." I chewed on my lip, I inspected the blanket covering our legs, the pattern, the weave, trying to distract myself.
"I wanted to be a police officer, growing up they took us to the station, we shadowed other cops, I knew how to decipher every call code by age 12." I peeked up at Holly, her warm eyes searching my face ungrudgingly. "I went undercover hoping to break the case, blond call girls were being abducted and killed, I wanted the assignment. I figured it would get the superintendent off my back for a few months if it worked out. The operation lead nowhere, we came out of it with no viably leads or suspects; I had been crashing at Andy's place." I took a deep breath, three people knew the details of the abduction, Luke, Tracie, and my shrink.
"Gail, I read the report, if it's too difficult, we can stop." Holly played with the fringe on the blanket, rolling it between her fingers. "I need to." I muttered, staring at my hands. "I'm going to cry, Please just let me finish ok?" I couldn't meet her eyes, communication is vital in relationships, knowing that though made this no easier. "Ok" Holly nodded, concerned etched all over her face. "I still have nightmares, they feel real, it's as if I'm in his basement again, strapped to the table, I can't see anything, I'm blindfolded, I know he's there though his shoes tap on the floor." I laced my fingers together, attempting to hide my trembling hands from Holly.
"After what happened with Oliver, after the Ford case." I gulped, forcing the lump in my throat down. "I started having flashbacks, I wanted to make it all go away, make the memories disappear. My breakdown in your bathroom, Holly." I attempted to hold back the broken sob that escaped my lips. "It could have ended differently." I ran my fingers through my hair; I could not tell her all the details, my fear, Jerry bleeding on the floor. The feeling that no one would find me that I might die, in a trunk, or the same way the others did.
"You saved me, kissing you in the interrogation room grounded me. You gave me something to look forward to, hope that I could be different." I felt Holly shift from the other side of the couch. "I don't know how to talk about it, how to let people in, and you didn't run." I felt the tears running down my cheeks. "No one has ever grounded me Holly, my parents pushed me, Chris didn't understand me, nick broke me, and Steve feels guilty that he couldn't protect me." My knuckles turned white, my grip on the blanket tightening, I couldn't look away.
"When you asked about the scar, it terrified me. Once you understood how damaged I am, I figured you would leave, and one hit and I could shatter. My parents refuse to discuss it, they just referred me to a shrink. My mom didn't even come to the hospital after the abduction. She sent flowers and a card, be strong and don't embarrass us." I let out a shaky breath wiping away my tears.
"Gail" Holly pleaded gently pulling me into her arms. "I love you. I'm sorry that I pried baby. I'm not your parents, or nick, or Chris. Please trust that what I feel for you is never going to change, no matter what happens. I'm in love with you." Holly held me tight, kissing my forehead; I could feel her breaths coming in ragged puffs. "I'm sorry that my mom dug into your past. God, it never occurred to me that she might run a background check." I settled against her, feeling myself calm down, my breaths evening out, the tears stopped flowing down my cheeks. I missed being in Holly's arms, I fit perfectly against her, like a puzzle piece. Holly is the gravity that kept me from floating away; I could never run away from Holly. We sat in silence, both collecting our bearings, it didn't feel forced or uneasy the silence came naturally.
"That page, your mom found information on me that no one's supposed to be able to access." Holly ran her fingers in tight circles along my lower back and hip. "My parents adopted me when I was 3, my birth parents were both killed in a drive by." Holly's hand rested flat against my side. "I've been told that they were drug dealers." Holly readjusted the blanket to cover us both. "My mom and dad didn't stop me from asking questions, but they didn't have the answers I wanted." Holly's spoke at a level just above a whisper. "I'm sorry Holly." I squeezed her hand gently. "I'm not ashamed of my past, I my birth parents don't define me, The family that raised me loved me and I turned out ok." Holly's fingers started the lazy pattern drawing again, building a slow fire under my skin, a fire that would burn for weeks if not years.
"When the adoption finalized my records were sealed." Holly shifted to lay next to me, she fidgeted for a moment before pulling me back into her arms. "According to the papers, they died in a gang related drive by. We lived in Vancouver most of my life, we moved before my 16th birthday, around that time my parents started noticing people hanging around the neighborhood; someone would call the house and hang up." Holly's eyes weren't fixated on anything, staring off into space, her hand moved under my shirt gently rubbing my back. "Letters showed up in the mail threatening us and demanding money. The police conducted an inconclusive investigation stating they didn't have enough evidence or viable leads. My parents chose to move to Toronto, afraid that if we stayed the threats would escalate to actions, that whoever sent the threats could harm me, or my sister." Holly's hand moved along my back counting my vertebra.
"Everyone has a past Gail; secrets we keep close to the chest. We tell each other things." She turned and nuzzled into my neck. "We don't need to tell each other everything, I'm here, I'll keep your nightmares away." Holly's voice slowly faded as she fell asleep. "I love you." She whispered as her body relaxed and her eyes fluttered closed. "I love you too." I softly kissed her forehead, allowing myself to fall asleep.