Red Light Duex

Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious

A/N: For those of you catching this now, don't worry, I've had to redo this chapter because I made a critical error. Carly's child is Jessica, not Kevin. Kevin is Spencer's son with Sasha.

Chapter 10 (Stain on the Past)

That evening while Cat was taking the kid they were babysitting out to eat, Sam had opted to stay home and work some more on her thesis. She'd gotten through a good portion of it and was going over notes she'd compiled. Mrs. Cleveland wanted her to start a folder on Jade West and put it in the filing cabinet that she'd given to her in the office. Sam also compiled some notes on Trina and Tori, and would be starting separate folders on them as well.

She heard a chime from her laptop and glanced over to see a Skype request pinging from Carly. Happy to hear from her, Sam set her notes down and answered the call. "Sup Carls," Sam waved once the brunette appeared on the screen with her toddler. She leaned forward, grinning at the child snoozing in his mother's arms. "How are Doug and Jessica?"

"Jessica's had a long day of playing with the kids at preschool." Carly kissed her daughter on the forehead and looked back with a heavy sigh. "Her father, on the other hand, is not yet accustomed to the fact that if you go into a preschool eating candy while picking up your child…the other kids will flock around asking for candy." Sam heard Douglas snort in the background and laughed as Carly scratched her hair. "Italy is a strange but beautiful place. I kind of miss the states though-how are you?"

"Good."

"I know you've been searching for that 'star client', have you found one yet?" Carly smirked at her and rolled her head to the side. "A big city like Los Angeles, you're bound to find someone."

"I've found…a family. I can't go into much more detail than that." Carly's eyebrow rose and she slowly shook her head. "What? That's just as good. A lot of people have issues that stem from family, mostly parental concerns. I have my focus on someone whose issues are so interconnected with their family that it seems I'd really have to counsel them all eventually. I don't want to, but if it comes to that, I will."

"I see. Must be fun. Freddie and Melanie still together?"

"Yep, and going strong." The couple was doing a long distance thing at the moment since Melanie went to a college in New York while Freddie stuck around in Seattle University. "Seems Melanie and I are in the same boat, both our fiancés are miles away."

"Yeah, but at least you two are doing well. You're getting along with Cat pretty well still? Have you told her about-you know what?" Carly's lips pulled back into a frown and Sam felt a sudden flicker in her chest. She shook her head and closed her eyes.

"I'm not sure I feel comfortable yet because I don't know if she's going to be that accepting. It's not really something you just tell someone, Carly."

"I know, but I'm sure it's bound to come up. We were on the internet Sam, and just about everyone that knows about iCarly probably realizes what we were involved in." She was right, it was fortunate that so far nobody she knew personally-aside from a select few actually knew about her past. "Like it or not, we were involved in what we were. It's a part of our lives, Sam, we have to accept that."

"I thought I was accepting it better than you were." Sam tucked her lip into a smirk and Carly laughed. It was good that they were able to laugh about it now, a sign that they were moving on from it, albeit it was a slow process. "One of the kids we were babysitting stumbled onto a website last week. I thought Cat might have seen something about me with the way she was acting, but she didn't."

"Good. I can only wonder how many of our videos are still out there." Carly paused and her face tightened. "Truth be told, I don't think I want to know. I think you weren't involved in all the terrible things I was in."

"We both did it."

"Yeah but…you never shot with multiple at once. I don't think so anyway." Carly scratched her forehead and sighed. "Regardless, what's past is past. I think it's high time we just accept that." Sam lifted her eyebrows and gazed with pride at her friend.

Carly had come a long way, it was surprising. Considering all the crap Carly had been put through, since she got out of that life sometime after Sam had. Sam was lucky enough to avoid a lot of the risks. Carly ended up contracting genital herpes during one of the shoots, but had it under control with medicine. Fortunately neither girls contracted HIV, but they'd tested for it multiple times just to 'make sure'.

Carly leaned back in the chair she was in and studied the screen for a minute. "I told you I've been seeing a therapist too, right?"

"Yeah. I can tell you're making progress."

"You're a counselor so you probably know this, but my therapist told me it's a good idea to have a friend to talk to. To trust. Someone that's there, and I'm not there, I can't offer you physical comfort. Cat could."

Sam moved her hand up to her forehead and chuckled softly. "Carly. I don't need-"

"You still have nightmares?" Her muscles tensed. She furrowed her brow as Carly's face saddened and her eyes dipped down. "I still have nightmares, flashbacks. It isn't easy. Douglas doesn't like remembering all that stuff, doesn't like talking about it and I don't like talking to him about it all either, so I did tell someone that hadn't been involved. A good friend of mine here, and she's been a great person for me."

"That's good." She breathed in slowly and closed her eyes. "Actually I did run into someone recently. He looked so much like this one guy that..." Her eyelids tightened over her eyes and she shook her head. "Turns out this was that guy's brother. I guess while it's still the past, it's still affecting."

"It always will. It's just a matter of overcoming and not let it cripple us. Right?"

"Yeah."

"I bet Cat realizes you're holding back, not trusting her with something."

"She does ask a lot about you, about Derek and other questions about my past. I don't like talking about it, and she knows that."

"She seems like a nice person. You think she might be hurt thinking you don't trust her? I'm not saying tell her details, but if you think you can trust her, then maybe you should tell her a little bit…"

"I'll consider it." She already understood there was no possible way to escape the past, she hadn't run to Los Angeles in an attempt to run from it. No, she just couldn't bear the memories in Seattle. Still the part she was afraid of wasn't her history, but of the people around her. "I don't want to lose friends because I was involved in the sex industry."

"If you do, then they weren't real friends anyway. I shouldn't have to tell you that."

Sam laughed and turned her head down. "I know. Even Freddie became friendly with us again."

"Ah hell, I still think that was because of your sister. He never looked at me the same way again, at least."

She started to comment on the subject, but was stopped by the doorbell. Putting the laptop to the side, Sam moved to answer it. Astonishingly it was Dice, standing and twiddling his thumbs together. "Dice? Are you here to see Cat? She's out right now."

"I wanted to talk to you, actually." She leaned her head back and frowned as his eyes drifted up to her. "I er, want to apologize actually."

"Well come in, then." She felt a stillness in the air as he moved inside. Dice's shoulders were sunken and he still appeared gravely upset by something, though not as tense as he had been in the last few days. "What do you want to talk about?"

She shut the door and sat down in the recliner while Dice sat beside the laptop. Dice clasped his hands together and set his chin on them. He closed his eyes and exhaled sharply. "I don't want to stop being friends with you, and I'm sorry I've been making you feel uncomfortable the last week."

"You think you've-"

His eyes shifted abruptly towards her and "Goomer told me I was making you uncomfortable. I wasn't trying to avoid you, I just…This is really hard for me." She crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap.

"Take it a step at a time then. I'm a counselor, it's my job to listen." Dice chuckled nervously and shook his head.

"Promise not to tear my head off?"

She tilted her head to the right and smirked at him. Her hand lifted up and her eyebrows wagged. "I promise nothing my curly haired, squirrelly friend." Dice laughed for a minute, then let out a gentle sigh.

"I should have just come to you first, I know, I just-I couldn't. It was difficult to…I-" She knew what was coming, and while it terrified her, she wanted to get it over with. What shocked her was that he said he still wanted to keep their friendship up.

"Spit it out. You're a twelve-thirteen year old boy, there's quite possibly nothing you can tell me that I won't expect." His eyes opened and moved slowly towards her.

"Even if it's that I experimented with pornography on my cousin's laptop?"

She pressed her lips together and held her breath for a second. Her eyes locked with his and she watched as they quivered anxiously. "You're at the point where you're going through puberty, certain images interest and entice you because you've never seen them before, and they'll give you a sort of inner sensation, feeling that is going to seem new to you."

His eyes widened and his hands shot up. "Yeah! I know, I get that." He moved his hand over his eyes and groaned softly. "I started watching, and I'm never going to watch again. I-I can't. The things I saw made me turn off right away."

Her fingers curled into her palms and her heart began to pound in her chest. The tension in the air grew heavy, but not to the point that she could no longer breathe. "What-or who-did you see, Dice. Be straight with me. We're friends, aren't we?"

"Of course!" He threw his head up with a whimper. She could see the anxiety in his eyes, he seemed to be terrified of the concept of lost friendship. "You and Cat are my best friends, my only friend-other than Goomer. I-I couldn't tell him, I couldn't tell anyone. I've been trying to get the thought, the image out of my head because I didn't want-I don't want to see…"

"You saw me."

He froze and tears began to well up in the boy's eyes. His face buried into his hands and his body began to shake. Sam let out a sigh of relief, glad to at least get that out into the open. She moved over to the couch and hesitated before moving her hand to gently rub his back.

"I'm sorry, Dice. I want you to understand that is a part of my past, it isn't my life anymore. We tried to get rid of all traces we could, my father and my friend's husband, some traces are still there." She smiled sadly as the boy lifted his head up from his hands. "How much did you see?" She was a little curious what video still existed out there, and in truth she hoped it was one of the lesser ones. Though no matter the content, it could still damage a person to see someone they know in a video. "At least now I understand why you were avoidant."

"I was only trying to recover, trying to forget so that when I see you I wasn't seeing that." He lowered his hands to his knees and tore out a rattling breath. "I didn't see much. I just…When I was watching these videos online-I only went to the softer sounding titles. I was curious!"

"There's nothing wrong with that. Don't think there is. It's normal for people to gain an interest in viewing that stuff…"

"Yeah, well, the one I saw that you were in was like-it just started out with your back and candles surrounding." She winced and closed her eyes, she remembered the video well. It was one of the softer ones, thankfully. Not to mention this particular one dealt with a good two minutes of foreplay and kissing before stripping, so Dice might have been able to avoid seeing too much.

"So when you realized who it was-"

"I shut the computer off instantly. When your face appeared I just…I couldn't believe it. I was so scared, I didn't want to keep watching-I don't want to see you like that, Sam."

"I appreciate you telling me, Dice. If you can remember the name of the title or website, I think I can contact my dad and get that video taken down." He nodded slowly and wiped his eyes.

"Why? Why did you do that? Is it okay that I ask?"

"I wish I could tell you. Part of it had to do with money, part of it was from the attention, and partly it just felt really good. I think another part was just wanting to do something with my friend-it was her boyfriend that got us involved in that life."

"You don't do that anymore?"

"I do not. It did a lot of damage. I almost lost my family over it, Dad kicked me out. Said so long as I was involved in that life I couldn't be under his roof. Thank god I had some friends to take me in-though they laid down the law and said I wasn't to be involved in that stuff. I did my best to oblige, but it was hard to break the habit. I did. The, um…pleasure that life gave me was not as important to me as my family and my friends. I had to realize that, and I did."

"I think I understand." Dice smiled at her and rubbed his neck. "I can live with that, I guess. I just-I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first. I think I was afraid you'd hate me because I even thought about watching that sort of thing, and then seeing you."

"You were afraid?" She laughed once and pulled him into a one-armed hug. She rubbed his head with her other hand, causing him to yelp and laugh out. "You're like a little brother to me. I was the one afraid. You think I didn't realize why you might have been avoiding me?" He leaned back and his eyes widened. "I thought you wouldn't want to be involved with us anymore because you might have seen me in something."

"Never! You guys are my best friends." He paused and squinted his eyes. "Okay. My only friends. Dare I say the same? You two are close like sisters I've never had. I don't want to ruin that. You said that was just a part of your past, then that's fine. I just needed some time to get over what I saw, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you."

"It's fine. I'm glad you did, we got that out of the way. So are we good?"

"Yes."

"Glad." Her heart jumped with a joyous step. She hugged her friend and leaned back with a sigh. She had to wonder, if Dice had been so accepting of it, then maybe Cat would be as well. "Anyway, I forgot I was talking to a friend of mine. I need to get back to her."

"Okay."

"Will Cat and I see you around?"

"Most likely." He smiled at her and stood up, breathing in sharply. "I just wanted to come by and-well thanks for talking to me."

"Of course."

"I need to get back to my Aunt, I was supposed to be picking something up for her. I had to stop by since I was thinking about what Goomer said and all."

"I'm glad you did. I'll see you around, Kid."

"Bye Sam…"

"Will you be furthering your experimentation in internet pornography?" His face started to turn green and he shuddered in response. She folded her arms across her chest and smirked. "Thought not. Enjoy puberty, Dice, it'll only last another five years."

"Now you're just being mean." He smiled back at her and sighed. "Good to see things are normal."

"Oh yes. This changes nothing." Dice laughed and hurried out the door. She grabbed her laptop and raised an eyebrow at Carly's image. "Sorry Carly, I forgot you were still there."

"That's alright," Carly yawned, "I muted the conversation and went to put Jessica to bed. So what was that all about? That was your friend, Dice, right?"

"Yeah. Apparently he saw the start of one of my videos." Carly winced and Sam slowly shook her head. "He's been avoidant for a while, but I guess he was just recovering from the shock. He accepts that it was a part of my past, and he's still going to be a friend. I'm glad."

"Me too, but you see, that furthers the point I was making. If he was accepting, then maybe Cat would be too?"

"Yeah…I might try talking to her. We'll have to see." Her phone chirped and she picked it up, seeing the text from Dice. "Ah, I see he remembered the site and video. I can get that to dad so he can have it taken down."

"The perks of having a police dad, huh?"

Sam set the phone down and chuckled. "More than you know, Carly." There could not be many left, though people often duplicated videos and put them on multiple sites. Hers had been more protected to the point that it was hard to just copy and past a video onto another location, that made the removal of them easier. "It's a scary thought though, how much of us are still out there."

"With you? Not much I'm sure, you weren't involved in making that many. Me? I don't want to think about it."

"We both had a lot, Carly." She frowned as Carly's face tensed. "It's just a matter of how often we shot." At the same time, they hadn't operated that long. There were stars that had operated for at five or more years and only had a small few hundred videos. "I think Dad said he found and removed eighty originals of mine and a hundred of yours."

"I thought he found more than that?"

"His cyber team found traces of copies and duplicates elsewhere, but hey removed a great majority." She paused for a minute and looked towards the door. "But you're right, what you said before. That's a part of our past, it's best we accept and move on."

"But that fear…it's a very real one."

"What fear is that?"

"You know how Dice found that video of yours. What if-our kids grow up, they have kids of our own. Who's to say they won't one day stumble on a video of their mother, their grandmother."

"Yeah. We just have to be prepared for that. We have no choice in the matter, Carly." She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly. Many porn stars, both current and former did not realize that they would forever be a part of the internet. Those that did, likely did not care or think that it would ever come up.

It was a stain that would never truly go away, a scar that served always to be a reminder. "Besides Carly, we can't control other people. You can put sanctions and regulations on your kids when they grow up, make sure to know what they're doing online, but nothing's stopping a curious teenager from viewing pornography at a friend's house or somewhere else. That said, nothing's stopping them from finding something from so long ago."

"I don't even remember why I got involved in that, or why I even talked you into the lifestyle."

"You didn't want to be the only one that knew about it, so you shared it with me."

"Yes I know that, I just mean-I don't know what I mean."

"Emotionally, probably. We can't dwell on it, because we can never change that it happened, we can only do our best to move beyond it." Sam took a deep breath and slowly shook her head. "I'll tell Cat. I don't want to run the risk that she stumbles onto something accidentally. Seeing how Dice reacted…sometimes it's better to just be honest."

"Think Cat will take it okay?"

"I honestly don't know. I think she'll be fine with it so long as she knows it's in the past and has nothing to do with my life now. Dice was amazingly understanding, so I think she will be too."

And chapter.