The final months of this pregnancy couldn't come soon enough. As I was reaching my final weeks, I was feeling more uncomfortable than ever, especially once the baby dropped, which means she'll arrive any day. I was in a surgery with Dr. Mark Sloan when it broke. At first I thought I had peed myself, but liquid continued to drip, which made me realize it was my water.
After informing Dr. Sloan that my water broke, I scrubbed out and called to inform my doctor. I then went to tell my resident. Dr. Bailey actually helped me get checked into the hospital so I could be immediately given a room, and I wouldn't have to wait around like most laboring moms have to. I guess there're perks for being a doctor.
I tried calling me mom, and I wasn't surprised when she didn't pick up. So I just left a message telling her I'm having the baby and will talk to her later. My friends would stop by here and there, and for some reason, I always saw Derek lingering out in the lobby of my room.
"He's like freaking out, Mer." Cristina said. "Cancelled all his surgeries for the rest of the day."
"Because of me?"
"Well it's not because he has a hair emergency."
"Is it bad I hope Emma will have his hair?" I asked.
"No. Shepherd has god-like hair, and you have split ends." I shut my eyes when I felt another contraction. "Maybe you should let Shepherd in the room. That's why he cancelled his surgeries; in case you change your mind."
"I don't want Derek in the room, and you can tell him that too. I need an epidural." I snapped.
"You told me not to let you get one no matter what."
"Cristina! I need an epidural if I want to get through this!" I shouted. "You don't understand how fucking bad it hurts! It feels like someone is just continuously punching me!"
"You're only at like three centimeters and you're already complaining about the pain? Maybe you do need an epidural because it's gonna get way worse when you reach ten and gotta push that sucker out of you. I bet you'll rip."
"Get out!" I shouted.
Six hours and eleven minutes later, I had Emma laying in my arms, swaddled in a white hospital blanket. She definitely looks a lot like Derek, besides having my blonde hair. My eyes drifted off her and towards the door when I heard a knock on my open door.
It was Derek.
"Hey."
"Hi." I murmured. Derek walked further into the room, taking my hi as a welcoming in. I looked down at my sleeping daughter and then back at Derek. "This is Emma."
"Emma." Derek smiled.
"And she almost killed me." He chuckled, knowing I was exaggerating quite a bit. "But she's perfect and I love her so much already."
Derek asked if he could hold her, and I said yes. I don't know why I said yes. as I watched him holding her, I realized I shouldn't do this to Derek and keep him away from Emma. Emma needs her father. Plus, Derek looks good with a baby, and he continues to show me he's all in, even when I repeatedly tell him, stay away, I don't want you around. Derek's been patient with me, and I think it's time to reward his patience.
Derek sat down on my bed after giving Emma back to me. "You did good, Meredith. You'll be an amazing mother."
"I'm scared I'll be just like my mother. She loved the hospital more than her own daughter, and would rather spend holidays there than with me. Do you know how many holidays; how many birthdays I spent either with my nanny or alone?"
"You're nothing like your mother, Meredith. You will be nothing like your mother."
"She never wanted me, Derek. And I hate to say this, but I didn't want Emma either. But now that I have her, I can't believe I even considered terminating her." A nurse came in and told me it's time to try to feed her. "You should go, but um... thanks for coming by."
"I'll be by tomorrow."
I was brought breakfast as I was feeding Emma breakfast the following morning. I always told myself I would breastfeed, but I never knew how difficult it would be to breastfeed until now. And it hurts like hell, maybe even worse than labor itself. I feel like my nipple will fall off too. No wonder why women use formula instead. My breakfast isn't that great either. I'm pretty sure the pancakes I was brought was frozen, same with the eggs and fruit.
"Why do you hate me so much, Emma?" I asked. "Is this called karma for saying I didn't want you because I take it back. I want you." I looked over to the door when I heard a knock on it and saw Derek with a bag in his hands. "Oh, please tell me there's food in that bag."
"How are you?"
"I'm positive she hates me."
"Meredith, she doesn't hate you. She's barely a day old. She doesn't know if she hates you or not. She doesn't even know what hate is yet."
"Exactly, yet. Emma is going to hate me."
"Stop being ridiculous, or I'll just take this bag of food away, and you can be stuck eating this shitty hospital food."
"Thank you." I looked down at the baby when I felt her stop sucking on my breast. "Are you done torturing me?"
"I'll burp her, you eat." Derek offered.
"Why are you trying to be our knight and shining whatever"
Derek's pager went off and he looked at it. "I have to go. But for your information, I am your knight and shining whatever." I smiled. "I'll stop by later."
I was eating lunch with Cristina when there was a knock on my door. My eyes drifted to that direction and saw my mother.
"Mom, you're here."
"I am here." Mom walked further into the room and introduced herself to my friend. "Ellis Grey, and you are?"
"Dr. Cristina Yang. Big fan of your work, Dr. Grey; the Grey-Method, genius."
"Stop kissing my mother's ass, Cristina." I said.
"You know what? I will go and leave you two alone."
When Cristina left, I asked my mother what she was doing here. I told her I wasn't expecting her so soon after I had the baby. She told me she didn't have any important surgeries, so she dropped everything and flew out. I was shocked when she told me that because usually she puts surgery above me. I guess not this time.
Mom was bonding with Emma a little bit to my surprise. Maybe she'll be a better grandmother than she was a mother. Maybe it's because this isn't her actually child, and she doesn't have to care for it. Derek entered my room full of smiles while I talked with my mom, not even realizing my mother was in the room until she asked, "And who are you?"
"Mom, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd; head of neuro here." I introduced. I looked at Derek. "This is my mom, Dr. Ellis Grey."
"I should go." He nodded once.
"You must be the married dad." Mom said. "How does your wife feel about this?"
Derek cleared his voice. "Actually, I'm divorced."
Mom turned to me. "So you were able to tear this poor man's marriage up after all; didn't think you had it in you."
"Actually, Dr. Grey-"
I cut Derek off. "I did no such thing, Mom. He and his wife tore their own marriage apart. I stayed one hundred percent out of it. So, yes, Derek is the father, no I didn't tear his marriage apart, and yes he's going to be in her life."
"Why?" She asked.
"Because look how I turned out without a dad, mom. No, look how I turned out without neither a mom nor a dad. You were never there for me once. I actually think this is the only time you are minus when I graduated from med school, and of course the day you gave birth to me because it's not like you could have passed that responsibility off to the nanny. You never wanted me, or at least it felt like you didn't. And now I feel like I'm going to be just like you, and Emma can at least have one parent who cares for her if I do end up like you. So yeah." I turned to Derek. "I'm keeping you around if you like it or not."
"I think I can survive." He smiled.
"You know a part of your dad job means you need to make sure she's forbidden fruit when she's a teenager? You think you can handle scaring the boys away because she doesn't need to be exactly like me?" I asked.
"And how exactly were you?"
I shook my head not wanting to answer. "Forbidden fruit, Derek, just remember that."
"I'm a brain surgeon, Meredith. That alone can scare the boys away." He joked.
"Oh, and no dad jokes because nobody likes dad jokes."
"That's the best thing about being a dad." He joked. "Who's last name is she getting?"
"Actually, I was thinking hyphened; Grey-Shepherd."
"But what if she get's married and decides to hyphen her last name? She'll have three last names? That's too many names; Grey-Shepherd-Miller. And should I bring up you chose her name and you don't see me fighting to change it."
"First of all, I hope she won't marry a man with the last name Miller. Secondly, you just told me you like her name"
"You know I'm right, though."
"I know. I just hate you when you're right." I looked down at Emma when I saw her waking up. "I don't want to fight over this. So fine, she can have just your last name."
"Let me see her." I handed Emma to Derek, and he looked at me and grinned. "So what do you have against the name Miller?"
"Shut up." I kicked him playfully since he was sitting on my bed. "Have you told your family?"
"I haven't spoke to them since I moved to Seattle." He admitted. "But I'm sure Mark and Addison have been filling them in on everything; won't be surprised if someone shows up tomorrow."
"I'm hiding my baby if one does."
"Hide me while you're at it."
I smiled. "Don't count on it."