Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction!

Warnings: Language and discussion about sex.

Finding Sakura

Chapter Ten

By Michiru's Mirror

Sakura had spent three years training as a medic, and during those years she spent at least one day a week at the hospital. She had never minded; in fact, she came to love the process of healing others, and always enjoyed learning new things.

But being a patient was different. It was bad enough when you were sick, but being forced to lie in a bed for days when you were healthy was intolerable. Sakura lay, and she counted the number of tiles in the ceiling, and she watched the same re-run of her mother's favorite soap opera for the fourth time, and she counted the cracks in the tiles in the ceiling, and she read some old manga, and she counted the spots of dust buried in the cracks in the tiles in the ceiling when she got really bored.

Tsunade wouldn't even let her study! They couldn't trust that she was really herself yet, she said, they had to make sure that Sakura was alone in her own head again by running every test in creation on her before they could give her any "sensitive information". Sakura couldn't leave the room, couldn't contact anyone but trained medics and jounin guards. Sakura was so bored and so lonely that she wanted to shriek. In her sleep, she did.

Part of her was grateful for being so completely ensconced in a hospital room/cell, though. After what she had done, Sakura's first instinct was to hide. She had betrayed Naruto's trust in her, hurt Ino, and almost killed Sasuke. And then there was Sai. God, the things she had done with him!

The enemy had come for her, and it was her own shame—like always. It pushed her down and choked her and ate her up one little bit at a time. She was so sick and tired of it she could have cried.

And there was nothing to distract her from her enemy as she lay alone in that white, white room with its cracked ceiling and its broken TV.

Nightmares were inevitable when she went to sleep, of course, though Sakura rarely remembered what she was dreaming about once she woke up. She was almost bored with how routine it felt when she woke up screaming.

But there were moments of comfort that kept Sakura sane. Moments when Tsunade or Shizune would come to her so they could eat lunch together while chatting and giggling about nothing at all, or times that someone would bring her news from the outside.

Sometimes at night when she woke up from a bad dream, Sakura would swear that a dark shape was hovering outside the bars of her window, its red eyes focused on her and watching over her while she rested. Those eyes lulled her back to sleep, and Sakura would never be sure if it was the sharingan working its magic or just her imagination.

It was just over a week later that Tsunade finally gave her leave to have visitors, and Sakura was seen by a number of people in rapid succession: Lee came bounding in first with a bouquet so big that Sakura couldn't see his head, followed by Ino who came in to squeal about all the nightclubbing Sakura had been missing. This was followed by her parents who were still have trouble figuring out just what was going on, Kakashi who let Sakura know in no uncertain terms that she wasn't getting out of training just because she'd been out of commission for awhile, and Team Eight who collectively came over to give her good wishes and drop off some more manga they thought she might enjoy.

The stream of visitors continued all day as more and more people became aware that Sakura's door had finally been opened.

Naruto did not visit. Nor did Sai.

Sakura was so devastated that for the first time since being admitted to the hospital she didn't want to get out of bed. Their absences were clear messages from both men about the state of their relationships with her, and Sakura couldn't bear the thought that she had lost them forever.

She would deserve it if she had. She had betrayed both Sai and Naruto, resulting in emotional wounds so deep she couldn't even begin to understand them.

Well…she could understand the wounds. But that didn't make it all right that she had caused them.

Humiliation and fear made Sakura want to avoid both boys, but she knew from painful experience just where following that feeling got her. Humiliation at not being good enough made her cower when she was twelve, resulting in her teammates and poor Lee being hurt by the Sound Ninja. Humiliation at having failed to convince Sasuke to stay in Konoha made her stay behind when Naruto went out to get Sasuke back, resulting in the near-death of his teammates.

Well, not this time.

Sakura's decision to not run away from her feelings this time was not one of courage (or so she believed), but instead one of logic and love. Every time she hid from her shame everyone she cared about wound up getting hurt. Not even Ino or Naruto could scare away the horrors in Sakura's heart or heal the wounds she had given her teammates. No, if Sakura wanted the best for her loved ones—and there was nothing she wanted more in the whole world—then she would have to stop cowering.

It was a difficult decision, but now there was no Auntie whispering incessantly into her ear that she was pathetic and no good. She was left with only her own self-doubts, and while they were difficult and embarrassing, they were manageable. She had begun to learn to deal with them in the Forest of Death when she fought sound ninja to save her teammates, and grew more talented at it from there. She had confronted her fears about her physical weakness and emerged a talented and capable medic ninja, hadn't she?

So even if this was the worst crisis of conscience she had ever faced, she could do this. She could face her doubts and weaknesses again.

Still, when Sakura finally forced herself to step out of the hospital she could find no hope in her heart. The sun beat against her face painfully, mocking her with its brightness, and the noises outside made her want to cover her ears and whimper.

Sakura balled her hands into fists, making the scar on her left arm stand out in sharp relief. Taking a deep breath, she stared at the scar Auntie had made to remind herself of all that had happened, and all she had yet to do.

Shaking but steady, Sakura walked down the wooden stairs that led down the side of the hospital building to the world outside.

Naruto was sitting alone in his room when Sakura came to him. He'd been doing that a lot lately.

Wasn't that strange? Wasn't that just a kick in the teeth that as long as he was fighting for his beloved friends who had kicked him in the balls with their betrayals he was just as energetic as could be, but when there was no fight to be had…

It was as if all of his energy was gone. There was no danger to his body, no danger to Sakura's body, and so the only thing in danger now was their relationship. Naruto had been so sure that he could forgive any wrong from his friends, positive that there was nothing they could do that would make him love them any less. On the battlefield, he had proven over and over again that that was true. Off the battlefield, it seemed he lost all his courage and all his compassion, to the point where he was fucking hiding from Sakura in his apartment.

The idea of seeing her made him almost physically ill. Just looking at a picture of her face made him feel so angry that he could punch a wall…and so guilty for his anger that the strength left his body in a rush. It wasn't her fault, damn it! She'd been possessed by a demon, being killed inside bit by bit and he hadn't even noticed. Think of all the things he'd done when under the kyuubi's influence. What right did he have to be mad?

But he was, and the more he tried to forget how angry he was, the clearer he saw Sakura, naked and bleeding before him: I asked Sai to do this!

Naruto had never been so confused in his life. Rage, hurt, betrayal, guilt, self-hatred; all these mixed inside him like a horrible concoction of poisons combining to ruin his concentration and destroy his confidence. There was no strength in him now.

So, he lay in his room like a petulant child and tried to pretend the world didn't exist (and, needless to say, failed miserably).

When his doorbell rang and he saw that it was Sakura, Naruto had to fight the immediate urge to escape though the back window. He reached for his doorknob, irritated and angry to see that his hand was trembling. Trembling! Him! He was Uzumaki Naruto, god damn it! He was the next Hokage, the greatest ninja there ever was, the man who could beat anyone! Little girls didn't scare him!

And so, when he opened the door, he did it with such an arrogant flourish that Sakura was reminded of Sasuke for a moment. She took in his hostile posture, his determined face and his narrowed eyes with shock, and found herself frozen to his doorstep for a moment.

"Um." She said when she recovered herself. He hadn't said a word. "Can I come in?"

He stared at her for several seconds, his gaze becoming no less aggressive. Then, he turned away from her and retreated back into his apartment—but he left the door open.

Sakura scurried quietly inside and shut the door while toeing her shoes off. Naruto found that he didn't want to look at her, and so he kept her to his back and acted as though he was intently studying the blank stretch of wall that led to his bathroom. But when there was no further noise behind him, not so much as a rustle of cloth or an intake of breath, he turned.

Sakura was almost prostrate on his floor, her head down.

Naruto gaped. "S-Sakura-chan! What—!"

"I'm sorry!" Sakura cried out the words as though she couldn't say them normally, but had to force them through her throat.

To say that Naruto was taken aback was an understatement. "Why?" He heard himself saying, as if from a great distance. "You didn't do…it wasn't your fault…it's not…"

"Oh, Naruto," said Sakura, and though she didn't raise her head, the old familiar exasperation crept into her voice. "Don't, Naruto. Just don't."

"Don't what?"

"I don't want your excuses. I can't deny what I've done to you—I don't want to deny it! I was hurting, and so I made the worst decision I could possibly make and hurt you. Any excuse I can make for that, any denial I can cook up, is wrong.

"Please, don't pretend you're not hurt by what I did. Don't try to protect my feelings like you always do by discarding your own. I've wronged you so badly I don't know if I can ever make it up, but I know I can't even begin to try if you won't let me apologize."

Naruto found himself growing warm almost in spite of himself. That Sakura would care about his feelings this much, that she would go this far for him when she was hurting herself and could easily get away with denying what she'd done, touched him deeply. It made it easier to remember other things she had done, like hiding the way he had hurt her when he became the kyuubi to spare his feelings, or supporting him in the chuunin exam's tournament.

"Sakura-chan, it's not like you were cheating," he said with a sigh, plopping down on the floor in front of her.

Sakura hesitated, her back growing stiff, before she finally straightened up. "Not…not technically. But wasn't I, really?" She bit her lip and looked at Naruto from under her bangs, looking terribly uncertain.

Naruto knew what she meant. He thought of how he'd asked her on a date after their first training session with Kakashi as equals, and how she'd said yes as long as he paid. He thought of how she'd tried to feed him his ramen when he hurt his hand before Sai interfered. He thought of how she let his head rest on her lap when he was injured, and how she blushed to see him shirtless or acting cool. They hadn't made any announcements, hadn't officially declared that they were dating, but when Naruto thought about it Sakura had been sending as many signals of attraction his way as he had sent towards her. Maybe he did have a reason to be mad after all.

He was surprised by how much better that made him feel.

"Yeah, okay," he said, staring at the floor between his splayed legs. "Meanwhile, if we're being honest, don't try to tell me you're not pissed at me too."

Sakura hesitated, torn between her promise to be truthful and her desire to spare Naruto's feelings.

"Yeah, right!" Naruto said in response to the look on her face. "You were drowning and I didn't even notice. Then when it was brought to my attention I called what you were doing 'disgusting.'"

"And came to my rescue," Sakura was quick to point out.

"Sure, when it came to pounding Sai's face in. When it looked like you needed a different kind of help I went running out the fucking window." Naruto sighed. "So don't act like you're not mad."

"…Maybe a little." Sakura's voice was very quiet.

For a moment the two sat in silence, and it was the best moment they'd had together since Sakura had been possessed. It was contemplative and thoughtful instead of awkward.

"I'm still mad," said Naruto, so abruptly that Sakura jumped. "I don't want to be. I want to pretend this whole fucked-up mess never happened but every time I shut my eyes I-I see Sai…and you…"

"I know," said Sakura quietly. "And…I'm prepared to take responsibility for what I've done."

Naruto felt himself go cold. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means…" Sakura took a deep breath, and there was real fear on her face. "It means I've done wrong by you and want to do whatever I can to make up for it." She was twisting her hands now, the delicate flesh turning pink at the abuse. "So if you can't forgive me…if you can't look at me without hurting…I'll…I'll go away." The words were obviously terribly difficult for her to say. She had to force them out, shoving them with her tongue past stumbling lips and teeth.

And again, most of Naruto felt warmed and touched by just how far she would go for him. But he didn't hold her, didn't comfort her, didn't tell her that he loved her and never wanted her to leave because there was a tiny, shameful part of his mind that was sneering at her pain. See how you like it! See how you like being afraid of losing everything, of being left by someone you love!

He was ashamed of himself, but the angry, sadistic thoughts couldn't be denied now any more than they could be earlier. So he said nothing, just continued staring at the floor.

Moments passed, and then he heard Sakura choke on her own fear and pain at his rejection. Nodding, trying to be mature and show Naruto that she meant what she'd said, that she could do this for him, Sakura pushed herself up and stumbled to her feet. She looked anywhere but him. She couldn't look at him, not if she wanted to hold her tears in.

"All right," she said, her voice tense with restrained emotion. "All right." She turned to leave. Naruto thought she would run right out, but she stopped in the doorway, holding on to the edge of the door to support herself.

"I think I wanted you to see me," Sakura said. "I think I had Sai do those things to me in front of the window because I wanted you to see me. It was the same urge that had me hurting myself, the urge to punish myself as much as possible. I knew that if you saw me, this would happen."

She turned to look at him then, and Naruto was shocked by the pain in her eyes. He had never seen her look so lost, not even when she was sobbing at him to bring Sasuke home.

She ran out the door, and by the time Naruto could move again, she had disappeared.

Sakura knew Naruto wasn't the last person she had to talk to.

When Sasuke had reminded Sakura of her sins, he rightly pointed out that she had hurt Ino. It had been Sakura that chose to break off her friendship with Ino, she who had initiated their rivalry when Ino had done nothing but support and love her.

But Ino understood. She saw who Sakura was now, and knew that the Sakura she had known had grown tired of always needing support and help and had wanted to stand on her own two feet and be judged by her own merits. Sakura could never have done that with Ino always in her shadow, waiting to catch her when she fell. She had to distance herself from her friend if she wanted to grow.

Sakura knew she'd made a royal mess of the separation, making a competition out of a silly crush and being so mean when breaking things off. However, Sakura had been a child, without the maturity to be graceful or the experience to find a better way to make herself bloom than fighting against her role model. Ino knew that. Above all others Ino understood Sakura's pride and her determination to become more than she had been. Ino forgave her for it…and was proud of her for succeeding. Sakura owed an apology, but she would never give it, because Ino neither expected nor wanted one.

Kakashi was the same. He held high standards for his students, and if Tsunade had been a better teacher to Sakura than he, he wasn't going to blame Sakura from choosing Tsunade over him. He would have been mad if she hadn't done what was best for herself and Konoha.

No, the person she owed an apology to was the one Sasuke had forgotten to mention.

Sakura found Sai on the training grounds practicing his throwing arm with kunai and a large target posted against a huge oak tree. She was relieved that she did not have to go to his apartment to find him, because after all the things they had done there it might have given him the wrong idea.

Rather than disturb him, Sakura sat down on the edge of the field and watched Sai practice his throws. This gave her time to pull herself together, and she was glad.

Sai wasn't bad, but he was definitely rusty. Sakura could relate—it was easy to get too dependant on one skill and forsake others. Sai's art jutsu were just so useful, he probably rarely had to use anything else.

He had to know she was there. Sakura waited patiently, watching him throw kunai and letting him adjust to her presence at his own pace. Given that his aim was substantially worse than it had been when she first sat down, she guessed he had to be thinking pretty hard about what to do now. That, or he was very uncomfortable.

Sakura had to grin at how strange this was. It wasn't usually a girl who owed a guy an apology for taking advantage of his inexperience in sexual matters.

Sai finally decided to stop pretending Sakura wasn't there. He went to pull his kunai out of the target and said, "You look like shit. What, haven't you bathed?"

From anyone else, that would have been a very clear "go away," but Sai wasn't anyone else. If he had been, their nighttime meetings wouldn't have been possible.

"Yeah. I look like shit because I'm still an emotional wreck. I was just crying." No point in beating around the bush.

"Ah." Sai walked over to her and sat down beside her, settling into the grass and meticulously sliding his kunai into their holsters. "I've always wondered why you cry so much. It seems like such a waste of time."

"Hmm…" Sakura tilted her head and leaned back, enjoying the feel of grass between her fingers. "That's a difficult question to answer. I suppose I cry because feelings sometimes build up inside of me, and I feel like I'd just explode if I didn't let them out."

Sai looked at her strangely. "You must be a very emotional person if you feel like you're going to explode so often."

Sakura laughed. Really, even if he shot her apology down, it had been worth coming here just to hear that. "I guess I am!"

The two teammates sat in silence for a moment and watched the horizon. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky looked like a painting in pinks and purples and blues. Sakura's mind drifted back to a million days like today, days sitting with Naruto and Sasuke and Kakashi and just watching the sky change color and not saying a word…

"You're not going to cry now, are you?" Sai asked. Sakura realized her eyes were indeed becoming moist. "It's so irritating, watching you cry. I never know what I'm supposed to do."

"Sorry, but I might," said Sakura. "I owe you an apology."

Sai looked so confused that Sakura had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. "For crying?"

"No, for using you for sex." Sakura hadn't intended to be that blunt, but around Sai she sometimes couldn't help it.

"Oh," said Sai, looking no less confused. "Um. Why are you apologizing for that? The sex was good, if that's what you're worried about."

Sakura made a valiant effort at keeping her face from turning tomato red. "Thank you. But no, that's not what I was worried about. It's just that it's not nice to use people."

"Then why did you do it?" Sai asked. He leaned back as though making himself comfortable for a long story.

Sakura sighed. She had expected questions from him, and the least she owed him was some honest answers. "Because I was in so much pain I stopped caring who I hurt."

"Really? Then why me? Why not Naruto? He's wanted to have sex with you for years."

Suppress the blush, suppress the blush. "He'd have said yes if I wanted sex, but he would never have agreed to hurt me, Sai. He knows enough about sex and the human brain to know that wanting to hurt yourself, and connecting pain with sex, are…unusual.

"Besides, Naruto wants more than just sex from me, and I couldn't give more." Sakura shrugged, a slight blush dusting her cheeks.

"Okay, so why not just pick up some loser in a bar?"

Sakura shook her head. "That wouldn't have been any good. I wanted to hurt myself, and hurt the people around me, and some drunk whose name I'd never learn wouldn't have had the right…emotional impact. It had to be someone I trusted and liked, but without any romantic attachment. So I used you. And I'm sorry."

"Oh," said Sai. Then: "You trust me?"

Sakura looked surprised that he would ask. "Of course. Did you think I didn't?"

"I guess," said Sai thoughtfully. "I saw how you and Sasuke and Naruto were together on the battlefield, and it was unlike anything I'd ever seen before." He shrugged. "Like moving together was imprinted on your DNA, totally basic and natural. I don't have that with anyone, not even you or dickless or Yamato-taichou."

No sign of hurt showed on Sai's porcelain face, but Sakura understood just the same. "I know the feeling. I remember how hard it was, being on a team with two guys who were so obviously so close to each other. I was just the odd little loser who couldn't understand them and just wasn't as important." Sakura sighed. "It's shitty.

"But Sai, even if we're your first friends, we won't be your last. You'll meet other people, and make relationships with them, and if you're looking for something like Naruto and Sasuke's partnership, you will find it." Sakura turned to Sai, who was staring at the sunset but studying her through the corner of his eye. "And meanwhile, we are your friends, and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei and I are happy to have you with us." She smiled.

Sai thought about that for a moment. He was welcome, he knew that. And he supposed that just as Sasuke and Naruto and Sakura hadn't found each other right away, he couldn't expect to find his own place so quickly either. "I wonder if Sasuke ever felt left out, then," he said.

Sakura looked surprised. Why on earth would Sasuke have felt left out? It was he and Naruto who had shared the connection that had always made her so jealous!

"Sasuke-kun? Why would he?"

Sai said, "Because the way Naruto looks at you is unlike how he looks at anyone else." He looked past Sakura's shoulder and said, "Like he's looking at you now."

Sakura froze.

She spun around to look where Sai was looking. Sure enough, Naruto was there.

A/N

Next chapter is the last.

A great big thank you to my fantastic beta Ceras Gala, who really saved my bacon in this chapter by pointing out a lot of weaknesses I hadn't noticed.

Please review and let me know what you all think. I like how this chapter came out overall, but I'm still nervous about how well the dialouge and emotions came across. If I suck, tell me, I always want to get better. If I did well, tell me, because a writer always loves to hear that she did well!