John paced outside the IA psychologist's office. His hands were in his pockets and he stared down at the floor as he walked. There was no secretary or office administrator there to make small talk with. John was left alone with his thoughts, and that was the last place that he wanted to be.
"Lieutenant McBain, sorry to have kept you waiting." The tall blonde man had been watching John for a few moments unnoticed. He pulled John from his thoughts as he had other appointments to keep.
Dr. Crosby had already performed a cursory evaluation of John at Bo's request based on information in John's personnel file. The evaluation was harsh, but it was intended to evoke a response from John. He was a psychiatrist by trade and only did contract work with the LPD. Dr. Crosby often employed nontraditional methods when dealing with police officers since most of they were combative and sent to him against their wishes. Still, the officers provided vital services to the community and it was Dr. Crosby's job to make sure each man and woman who was sent to him were fit for duty.
Dr. Crosby had anticipated an irritated John McBain to start off the session. Instead, John was quiet and looked visibly upset. Dr. Crosby had a long conversation with Bo more than a week ago and had been given a detailed report on John's personal and professional lives.
John paused and looked at him for a moment. He couldn't speak, so he nodded and followed the man into his office. The man continued speaking as John surveyed the office. The words fell on John's deaf ears.
"John," he called his name again. "I'm Dr. David Crosby. You can call me Dave if you like. I'm just going to pull this door shut for some privacy. It's not locked, so you can leave if you want to. Take a seat wherever you like."
John chose the chair that looked most comfortable and leaned back with a heavy sigh. He swallowed hard and tried to regain his composure, but his mind was working against him. Under normal circumstances, he would have just left and gone to blow off steam. There was too much at stake now and he couldn't afford to be without a job.
"I know it wasn't your choice to come here." Dr. Crosby started, "Though, it seems like maybe you need to talk to someone. Guess you're in the right place." Dr. Crosby tried to lighten the mood, but John remained silent. He sat down in a chair that put some distance between himself and John.
John put his hands to his face to try and hide the tears that streamed down his face. All the pain and anguish that he'd felt for the last 30 years was pouring out of him and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
"John, I'm here to help. Why don't you tell me what's going on?" Dr. Crosby had started to use modern technology to his advantage. Instead of jotting notes down throughout a session, he recorded every session using audio only and made notes later. He found that relaxed patients and encouraged them to be more forthright with their admissions.
John laughed bitterly. "My ex is pregnant."
Dr. Crosby found it odd that Bo had left out that important piece of information. He quickly remembered that Natalie was his niece. He surmised that Bo had left out that bit of information to protect his niece's honor. "Congratulations, John. Fatherhood is one of the most rewarding and stressful experiences that a man can go through. Are you excited?"
"Excited?" John wiped the tears from his face. He was finally starting to calm himself down. "I'm crying and I tell you my ex is pregnant. What's that tell you?"
"Doesn't tell me much. There's not typical or expected reaction for hearing that kind of news. Especially if a baby isn't something that you and your partner had planned for. How you feel and why you feel that way are far more important than any tears that have been shed." Dr. Crosby continued to observe John's distressed body language. He had to be careful not to give John any easy outs. The hardest part was getting a patient to open up without influencing the patient with what the doctor may feel in the patient's shoes.
"To be honest, I'm scared as hell." The words were out before John could even stop himself. He couldn't hide the shock on his face that he'd been so direct.
Dr. Crosby just nodded. He waited for John to expand on that thought. Nearly ten minutes passed while he waited. He noted that he tears that John had fought to hold back were spilling down John's cheeks again. "What scares you the most about that?"
John heard him but he chose not to respond. John knew that whatever happened next would change him forever. He could give some bullshit answer just to get this over with or he could bear his soul and start to deal with his emotions. This was now a battle between the man that he was and the man that he needed to be. Of course, John knew there was a big difference between needing and wanting. John wanted to be the man of Evangeline's dreams, but he needed to protect himself. In the end, as usual, his needs overruled his wants and that was the reason that Evangeline left.
"My ex, Evangeline," John wouldn't just reduce her to some bitter sentiment, "she's an amazing woman. Hands down one of the smartest people I know. She's beautiful, talented, dedicated, hardworking, forgiving, honest, fair. I look at her and I know that she'll excel at motherhood. She excels in everything that she does. Because of her, I know that my child will always be loved and cared for. Because of her, my kid is going to have a great life."
Dr. Crosby hid his surprise well. So, it wasn't the commissioner's niece who was pregnant. Dr. Crosby knew John dated Evangeline, but Bo had glossed over that. He was starting to wonder if Bo had been objective when choosing to discipline John. As for Evangeline, Dr. Crosby didn't know her well. They were both respected professionals and their paths had crossed on a few occasions. He'd only ever heard people singing Evangeline's praises. From previous encounters, he'd thought that she was as genuine as she seemed.
"That doesn't sound unusual John. There's a healthy amount of fear that expected from new parents and soon to be parents. I know there's doubt and uncertainty that come with that as well."
"It's more than just that. I want my kid to be great because of me too, you know, and not despite of me. You know, we broke up…she left me because I couldn't say it to her. Three simple words that people who've dated half as long as we had throw around casually." John swiped the hair away from his eyes and wiped his tears.
Dr. Crosby already heard from Bo about his "inability" to love. "Don't you think there's a difference between the love that a parent feels for a child and the love that a person feels toward a significant other."
John was surprised that he'd caught on so quickly when John had been his usual evasive self. "Doc, you've been in this business for a while I'm guessing. You know as well as I do what some parents are capable of. That love from parent to child is not always automatic. Sometimes it never happens, and I don't have to tell you what that results in."
Dr. Crosby nodded. He'd handled more than his fare share of abused child cases. "Do you think that's something you're afraid of?"
That kind of rage wasn't something that John was capable of. "Physical abuse? No. Never." John was having a hard time reconciling the fact that he'd never told Evangeline he loved her, and now there was going to be permanent proof of how much he'd enjoyed her despite that. This carelessness would make her look desperate even though it was John's insistence that overcame her protests. "She's tough so she probably wouldn't admit it. Evangeline went through hell because of me. It was more than just some high school heart break. Because of me, she kept the baby a secret for months. She was trying to give me time to get my shit together, you know, because the baby would need me. I think she only told me because she wasn't really going to be able to hide it anymore."
"There's always heartache with a breakup. Once a relationship is over, you can't be responsible for the other person's pain. It's up to each individual to heal and move on."
"You don't understand," John started.
"I understand," Dr Crosby interrupted, "You've told me all about what's she's worth to your child. What do you think you're worth to the child?"
John shrugged. "I feel like I'd be as useful as a much older brother, like I was for my kid brother Michael. Financially, sure, I can support the kid. Other than that, I'm too screwed up to be any kind of role model. I push away people that care about me. I ignore those that want to get close to me." John was irritated by the neutral expression that Dr. Crosby had worn the whole time. This was more than he'd opened up to anyone and it shouldn't have been that way. "I want to be more than that. I think of what I've done, how I've hurt people. I lied and a man was kept from his family. I was with his wife. Whether he wanted me to or not, I should have known better. I should have done better. I should be better. My kid deserves better."
"Well now you know, John. What kind of father do you want to be? What do you need to do to become that man? What's your plan to finally start dealing with your life?" Dr. Crosby knew that their time was running short. As much as John hand opened up to him, he didn't expect that John would follow up with any further sessions. He couldn't cure him overnight, but maybe he could steer John in the right direction.
"I know I need help. I just don't know what to do about it. I can't do it on my own." John's voice cracked slightly. He'd spoken similar words to Michael when Evangeline left, and he wanted her back. He chose not to act then, and he'd lost her. He wouldn't make the same mistake again.
"Then what's the endgame? You become this new John and then what? You get back with one of your exes and…" The doctor pushed John further
"This isn't about them!" John snapped unintentionally. "This isn't just about my kid either. I'm tired of being this miserable guy too. Can it not be about me? I want more from life, and if this isn't the turning point in my life it's never going to happen."
"I think it should only be about healing yourself. The ability to love others comes from the ability to love oneself. Your child is going to have to be a priority, but you can't neglect yourself. If you want to have a more meaningful life outside the station, you're going to have to put in some work. You need counseling to learn how to deal with trauma, stress, and your emotions. You won't be cured in a day or a week. The results will be completely based on your efforts."
Dr. Crosby broke from tradition and thumbed through John's file. "Sending you here as a disciplinary action was out of line, but let's just call it fate. You're at a point where you have a chance to really make a change. If you want my help, I'm here for you. If not, I can give you some tips on working this out on your own."
John didn't even have to think about it. "When can we start?"
"Vange, I brought dinner. Come get it." Layla shouted to Evangeline who was not in eye sight. She started to pull out the dinner containers and started to yell for Evangeline again. She saw Evangeline out of the corner of her eye and smiled. "Hurry up slow poke, I'm starving."
Evangeline had to roll her eyes at Layla's shouting. She finally understood why it annoyed her parents so much when she and Layla had done it as children. She smiled knowing that it must have just been a parent's curse. "You don't have shout, you know?" Evangeline had been napping which was now a daily occurrence. If it weren't for Layla, she probably would have slept for a couple more hours.
"Whatever, sleepyhead. I got you a salad from the diner. The chicken is on the side, and I got three different types of dressing because I know you're picky." Layla watched as she turned her nose up. "Or, I got you this chicken and rice soup."
"I'm not really that hungry, but you go ahead." Evangeline had lived at the diner, but as of late her tastes had changed. These days she could barely walk through Angel's Square without being nauseated by the smell of the diner. She saw Layla frowning and rolled her eyes again. "I'll eat the salad later if you want to toss it in the fridge."
"If you don't like diner food, you should let me know pretty soon. Mrs. Vega is planning on sending meals to you throughout your pregnancy as a thank you for helping Cristian. She's a mother, so I know she'll understand if you say that it's a pregnancy thing." Layla had actually been exaggerating. She ate dinner with Jamie and Antonio, so she packed up all the food for Evangeline to put away later.
"That's so sweet. I'll have to call her to thank her. By the way, have you seen Cristian?" Evangeline put all the food away knowing that she wouldn't eat it. There were a couple of high school kids who were helping her with yard work, so she'd give it to one of them for a snack.
"Um, yeah. He's a little torn up about Natalie, but other than that he's holding up. Antonio hired him at the club. I think he'll be fine if he can stay busy." Layla walked with Evangeline unsure of where she was heading. "Are we doing laundry?"
"No, I just wanted you to see that I've got the mother in law suite ready." Evangeline carefully made her way to the stairs that led down to the basement. She had Layla in mind when she purchased the house, but Layla had surprised her and moved in with Antonio. "I didn't do a lot of designing in case you wanted to do that yourself."
"Thanks, Vange." Layla's tight smiled wasn't able to hide her displeasure. "I'm good, though."
"Layla, please give this up already. Antonio has Jamie back. Maybe it wasn't by the most ethical means, but you've helped him enough." Evangeline was frustrated that Layla was being so stubborn. Against Evangeline's advice, Layla pretended to be Antonio's girlfriend to present a balanced household to the judge in Antonio's custody hearing.
"I'm not a little girl, Vange. I'm helping my friend."
"Antonio is still in love with Jessica. You helped him, and that's great. Don't get caught up in his drama." Evangeline didn't want to watch as her sister chased after a man who wasn't free to return her affection. Especially not a Buchanan woman. Antonio had asked Evangeline to represent him, and Evangeline turned him down. It wasn't just because she was pregnant. She watched first hand as Antonio pushed away his family and friends. He was trying to cope with the reveal of his real parentage, but he gave Jamie away to RJ. He'd done it with malice to punish the woman who selflessly raised him as her own for his own protection. RJ was her ex, but he was, in Evangeline's opinion, the better parent for Jamie.
"I'm not going to argue with you. I know where you're coming from, and I know you love me. I know Antonio is in love with Jessica. I came here to look out for you, but I can't keep living in your shadow. I've got to do my own thing. I'm just helping him out until he has whatever is going on with Jessica figured out. He's cute, but he's told me that he's not interested. I can take a hint." Layla grabbed Evangeline by the shoulders to stop her from walking down the stairs. She was in love with Evangeline's new house and was more than envious. The mother in law suite was basically a one-bedroom apartment. The only amenity it shared was the washer and dry and even still there was a door that separated the apartment from that part of the basement.
"Besides, you have so much going on right now, and I don't want to be a bother to you." That was the truth of the matter. Lisa had told her that she needed to give Evangeline space to adjust to her new life. Layla hadn't planned on being away from her sister, but her mother had been very insistent.
"Did mom say something to you? I don't mind, Layla. I've actually gotten used to you being around." Evangeline turned to her and took Layla's hands into her own. She would never admit it, but she was going to be lonely in the house. The baby would bring its own excitement, but that would be a different kind of companionship.
"Look, mom told me what I already know. You need to focus on being a mom right now. You've got new partners and associates. You have a new house. You have a baby on the way. Taking care of me takes a back seat to all of that." Layla pulled her into an encouraging embrace. "I'm not saying I'll never come here to crash with you. I'm just saying that, for now, you focus on adjusting. Don't worry about me."
Evangeline shrugged instead. She couldn't force Layla to move in with her, but she felt as though she would end up with her eventually. "Fine. Fine. Maybe you can still help me put together some designs. All my focus is on getting the maintenance and upkeep taken care of."
"Or we can talk about what's going on between you and John?" Layla had heard from her mother about Evangeline's proposed custody arrangements. Where Lisa had been proud, Layla was skeptical. Evangeline was nice, but maybe not as nice as people realized. She too had been subjected to a "very fair" agreement of Evangeline's and it hadn't worked like she intended.
"What do you mean what's going on? You got the scoop when mom was here." Evangeline sat on the sofa which faced a large bay window. There wasn't much of a view since the sun had set and the curtains were drawn.
"I'm talking about that generous custody proposal mom was telling me all about." Layla sat in the armchair closest to the sofa.
"Yes, because I should try to encourage John to get to know our child with a strict custody arrangement that doesn't allow him much time with our child?" Evangeline stared at her inquisitively. Nora too had been skeptical. She suggested that Evangeline supervise John's visitation since he was likely to agree to whatever she wanted.
"I'm talking about giving John enough rope to hang himself with. 'Yes Layla, you can borrow any of my clothes whenever you want as long as you return them to me washed and in the same condition you took them in.'" That had been what Evangeline agreed to when she came home from her first year at college. She tutored for spending money and spent most of it on clothes. Layla wanted a break from the bargain clothes that Lisa was apt to dressing her in and couldn't stay out of Evangeline's closet.
Evangeline smiled at the memory. "That was a fair agreement." Evangeline had only given in because it was the easiest way to keep the peace. Layla, who was prone to being irresponsible, borrowed one of Evangeline's pricier garments and another girl stole it from her. Due to Layla's irresponsibility, Evangeline had what she considered just cause to keep Layla away from her wardrobe. In the end Lisa agreed with her, and it caused a rift between the sisters.
"No, Vange, you set me up. You never wanted me borrowing your clothes, and if you had just come out and said so I would have respected that." Layla was still annoyed at the memory. Evangeline's reasoning had been flawless, but they were sisters and should have been able to resolve the issue more reasonably. "Not everyone is acting with an agenda and that's what you're doing with John. You know how he is already. I think you should talk to him and tell him what you expect from him."
"That's what the custody arrangement is doing, Layla. It's not my job to teach John how to be a father. If he wants a great relationship with our child, he's going to have to work at it." Evangeline was annoyed. She hadn't expected Layla to catch on, and she hadn't expected her to call her out on it either.
"Wrong. My niece deserves two loving and dedicated parents. I guess I understand the importance of marriage where one parent makes up for the other's shortcomings. You're not together, but you owe it to your daughter to push John. She will understand when she's older if John's not a good dad. She'll know that you tried, and she'll love you for it. Otherwise, you're giving John one shot to get it right. You can't be that unforgiving." Layla hated to make it out like Evangeline was the bad guy. She knew her sister, though. If John wasn't the man she expected, Evangeline would take the child and leave Llanview altogether. She would use that distance to further keep John away.
"Layla, please, do not lecture me on this." Evangeline leaned back and rolled her eyes.
"I'm going to lecture because you're wrong. John might need more than a year to get the hang of things. He might need a couple of years, but if he's trying that counts for something."
"I don't have the luxury of screwing up, so neither does John. He's going to have to adjust quickly, or you're right. I'll restrict his visitation. I'm not going to put my life or my child's life on hold while John tries to figure it out. I'm not doing this to punish him, but I have to think of my child first. Here's what every single father wants: to show up whenever it's convenient for his schedule, to pay for expenses he agrees are necessary for the baby, to keep living a single man's life. Meanwhile, the woman is stuck raising a new baby and her ex? That's not going to happen, Layla." The reasonable part of Evangeline that saw validity to Layla's arguments was being suppressed by an angry Evangeline. She wouldn't let John be a part-time parent.
"Okay, well we'll just see how this goes. You hold John to your ridiculously high standards of perfection and excellence. We'll just ignore that this is parenthood, one of the most daunting tasks someone can take on. We'll just ignore that you've had all this extra time to prepare. We'll just ignore that John is emotionally damage and you knew that before you got pregnant."
"We'll just ignore you." Evangeline wasn't able to rise as quickly as she wanted, but she stormed off leaving Layla to her judgments. She made her decision, and no one was going to be able to talk her down.