Bella sits at twilight in her bedroom, in a chair facing the window. It's a Sunday, and Jacob's on patrol with Jared. As she sits quietly, with the books Edward has given her on her lap, she imagines the Quileute boys in wolf form, tearing through the forests. Above her, she can see the moon already in the sky as it changes from ice blue to golden yellow.
She opens the first book again at the page she has been reading. Dante's 'La Vita Nuova.' Edward has carefully underlined a passage:
"In that book which is my memory… On the first page that is the chapter when
I first met you, appear the words, 'Here begins a new life'."
It's a quote that for Dante, is incontrovertibly about his love for Beatrice. She wonders what Edward means by it. Could he be referring to his new life in Forks? She sighs, rubs her cold feet, tucks them underneath her legs. She might be convinced of that were it not for the other inscriptions. She turns to 'Great Expectations' a text she knows well, having studied it in school a couple of years back. She flicks through until she finds Edward's underlining:
"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
It's the same idea, she decides. One new day in his life that changed the course of everything. Is this something that has happened to Edward? She thinks of his comments in the garage – how he always seemed to be hiding something, scared of giving himself away, of getting too close to them…
Lastly, she picks up Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night.' Not the play she's most familiar with – it's the one with the twins, with one in disguise as a boy, right? The quote Edward has marked out is the oddest one of all to her:
"Oh Time, thou must untangle this, not I. It is too hard a knot for me t'untie!"
She shuts the book, looks out and sees the first star of night. Sadness for Edward creeps over her. Whatever has happened to him must be something truly awful. He seems so lonely. Are these books a cry for help? She shakes her head. It's not her problem. He has a family to talk to. He has Jake. Yes, but he's given you these books. It's you he wants to figure him out. She tries to ignore the voice in her head, briefly touches the dream catcher that Jake has given her and cuddles under the lilac bed sheets. She's not entirely stupid. Edward Cullen is an extremely attractive boy. She'd be lying to herself if she thought otherwise. Being around him, getting to know him – there was a connection there that unsettled her. I have a boyfriend I love very much. She doesn't have to voice that thought because she needs to convince herself of her feelings for Jake – they are unshakeable – she just needs to understand why being madly in love doesn't stop her from being able to see other people. Or just one other person. Just Edward.
It feels better in some ways admitting it to herself. She remembers a conversation she'd once had with Renee not long after her Mom had met Phil.
"There are lots of different people you can be with in life, honey. Not just one love. It's a choice. I've chosen someone who is right for me, who I can be myself with. There are millions of different types of love depending on who you choose to be with."
She has chosen Jacob, and he has chosen her. Perhaps these feelings for Edward are just an echo of a love she could have felt for him, in another time and place.
I've not done anything wrong. He's a friend, and he needs help.
With that final thought she slips into a slumber full of visions of wolves running through Jake's garage, the wind from their speed upon her face as they tear by.
The next morning is Bella's last day at school before the Christmas break. Since they finish up classes at lunchtime, she's eager to see Edward, who is her partner in Biology, and speak to him about the inscriptions before they break up for the holidays. It's a beautiful clear winter morning, a touch of frost glittering on all the normal objects on her street, making the world a fairyland. The sky is a sheet of blue and the sun is shining.
"Bright for December," Charlie comments, folding his newspaper. "You seeing Jake today?"
"Tonight. He's in school till later than me, so we'll make dinner as usual, something Christmassy?"
"Hmm," Charlie grumps. Lately he's been even more taciturn than usual on the subject of Jacob. Bella wonders if he's figured out from Billy that they are a couple now. She is out the house and down the path before she can make more excuses to herself about exactly why she hasn't yet told Charlie. Soon. Before Christmas. I promise. She thinks Charlie will be okay with it –after all, Billy is his oldest friend. It's just that Charlie is so protective – will she really have the same freedom to come and go as she pleases with Jacob when everyone knows they are together? She can't bear the thought of not seeing him as much as they do now – of having enforced curfews or chaperoned dates. She shudders.
At school, she's disappointed to find that Edward's not there. Again. He's always skipping school, but never seems to get into any trouble for it. Or have his grades slip. He's one of those annoyingly smart people who doesn't seem to have to work for it, or even pay that much attention in class. It's like he knows it all already.
She spends the morning in faux-festive cheer surrounded by tinselled classmates letting off party poppers in the cafeteria and ripping open cheap crackers to find those nasty paper crowns inside. Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley seem to have gotten it together on the last day under the mistletoe, and there's this frenzy of coupling going on around her. Bella really misses Jake.
Finally the bell goes, and as the tannoy system plays 'Deck the Halls' the students spill out into the car park, shouting festive wishes to one another. Bella pulls her fur lined parka round herself and wishes she had brought gloves. It's got really cold all of a sudden. She looks up at the sky to see the first snowflakes begin to fall. As she pulls out of the school to head home, a sudden thought grabs her: Why doesn't she just go and see Edward? Excited, she does a three point turn and heads out of town on North Forks avenue. She thinks she remembers the turn-off he told her led to his house. About 3 miles out of town, she finds it – very easy to miss and almost entirely obscured by trees – a single track road, now dusted with snow. Bella bumps down the track for what seems like miles, wipers on as the snow gets going in earnest, cursing to herself. See what you are making me do, Edward Cullen? Why can't you just come to school like normal people? Finally, up ahead, she sees the glowing lights of an enormous glass fronted house. Triple garage, twinkling lights all over the roof. Oh holy crap.
"She's nearly here!" Alice sings happily, plumping cushions and twirling around the room. Jasper smiles as he selects some Christmas music to gently welcome their guest.
"I don't know what we're going to offer her to eat and drink. If we had a little more notice…" Esme sighs.
"Not my fault! Last minute decision." Alice protests.
Edward is standing in the middle of the room while everyone bustles around him. He looks horrified.
"But why is she here, Alice?"
"I don't know, Edward. Maybe you'll actually have to figure that out for yourself instead of just reading minds. Then at least you'll know how the rest of us live our lives." Alice chuckles, hugs him from behind. "Stop worrying. It'll be fine. I don't see her in any danger so long as we don't give her a crystal glass to drink from."
Edward does a double take. "Why? What will happen then?"
Alice leans in and whispers: "Jasper will try to eat her."
"Oh, no no no! You get out, all of you! I'll make sure she's in and out of here in under five minutes." Edward runs his hand through his hair.
"Edward, man. Chill. No need to stress. It's about time we met your little lady. We're not going to hurt her." Emmett shrugs.
"She's com-ing!" Alice trills.
"Quick, everyone, positions!" Esme claps. At vampire speed everyone moves into their 'happy normal family' montage. Carlisle and Esme strip half the Christmas tree and pretend to be trimming it. Rosalie lies on the couch with a magazine, looking bored. Emmett and Jasper pretend to be playing chess.
"I'm answering the door" Alice insists. Edward is frozen stock-still in the middle of the room. Alice tuts. "Oh Edward, go and play piano next door." She gives him a small shove, and as the doorbell chimes, this seems to propel him into motion.
"Hi Bella!"
The door opens and Bella sees a petite girl with short stylish hair, mischievous eyes and an infectious grin. She's wearing an ivory waistcoat over a denim shirt and skinny trousers and looks like she's stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine.
"Hi!"
"I'm Alice. Come on in. You must be here to see Edward." Alice ushers her inside. "May I take your jacket? You must be freezing. Come on in, the fire's on and the family is all here. We've heard so much about you, they're all dying to meet you."
Oh God. Bella's mind has gone blank. New people. She steps into the cavernous space – it's so clean, and light, like a museum or gallery, filled with sculptures and paintings. Alice leads the way into the family room, glass everywhere, Christmas music playing, an enormous Nordman fir in the corner being decorated with delicate glass baubles. The fire spitting away and everything smelling of cinnamon.
"Hi Bella, welcome. I'm Esme, and this is my husband, Carlisle." A striking woman with perfectly curled hair, wearing a pale gold twinset steps forward, smiling warmly. She's so young. And Carlisle, with his swept back blonde hair, can't be any more than early thirties. They let them adopt all these kids?
"Hey Bella. I'm Emmett, and this is Jasper." Bella looks at the great big bear of a man stretched out on the floor, then takes in the extremely handsome blonde fellow beside him. Is this for real? They are all so beautiful. Pale skin. Golden eyes. You would swear they were related. Do the Cullens only adopt incredibly gorgeous children with golden eyes?
"Rose you already know." Emmett grins.
"Hey." Rosalie barely looks up from her magazine, gives a lazy wave.
"Edward is next door, playing the piano." Alice tugs her hand. Bella gasps. It's ice cold.
"Oops," Alice giggles. "Sorry."
Everyone has gone silent for a moment, but she can hear the buzz of conversation begin again as she leaves the room, and Alice smiles apologetically, shutting the door behind her as she goes. Way to bet they are talking about me. Great. Just great.
Edward has his back to her and he's seated at a black baby grand. His blue button down shirt is rolled up to play. Despite the evident commotion Bella has caused, he doesn't appear to notice she is there. He's lost in his own world. Bella leans back on the wall and listens. The music is lilting: rising and falling, speaking of an intense longing. Her mouth feels dry, her throat filled with agony. She waits, and minutes pass with trembling fingers while tears mark small rivers down her cheeks. Such absolute and pure beauty.
Finally Edward lets the last note fall and echo around the room, and only then does he turn to look at her, with no surprise upon his face. He must have known the whole time she was there.
"I'm sorry" she rubs her eyes. "I'm such a sap. That was amazing, Edward. What is that you were playing?"
"It's a piece I wrote." Edward looks at her. His eyes seem darker than usual and there is slight bruising under them, as if he hasn't slept in a while.
"You wrote that? I had no idea…"
For a moment they just look at each other.
"I'm sorry, You are probably wondering why I am here. And your family getting ready for Christmas, and all. I really didn't mean to disturb. It's just you weren't in school today, and I wanted to get the chance to talk to you before the holidays."
"You are not disturbing anyone, Bella. I'm sure my family are glad of the distraction. It's an honor having you here. If you'd like to talk, we could maybe, talk upstairs, though?" Edward smiles at her then, a real smile. "It's really good to see you Bella. I wasn't expecting to see you now till after New Year. Come on, I'll show you around."
Edward takes her through the rest of the house – an immaculate kitchen that looks like it's never been used; a staircase with a quirky collection of graduation caps; several obviously expensive Chinese vases on pillars; a large canvas of imposing Italianate figures in Carlisle's study.
"This is my room," Edward looks almost apologetic. As if he's apologising for his own existence. As if he's worried that none of this will be good enough for anyone. He lets her wander around the glass-walled room: window open to hear bird-song; floating shelves full of old and beautiful volumes just like the ones he gave her for Christmas; stacks of CD cases of everything from classical to jazz, from rock to musicals. She picks up a CD: 'Greatest Hits of the Musicals.' If Embry and Quil saw Jake with an album like this he'd be castrated.
"You like Les Mis?" Bella smiles.
"Oh yes. And Phantom. Definitely Phantom."
"The man in the mask," Bella gestures to one side of her face.
"The lonesome gargoyle who burns in hell but secretly yearns for heaven." Edward quotes.
"You have some memory, no wonder you find school so effortless." Bella pauses, casts her eyes down. "Actually, that's sort of why I'm here."
"Because of my memory? I doubt you need help with school, Bella. You are one of the smartest people I know."
"No," Bella replies gently. "Because of your quoting. The…books…you gave me? The passages you underlined?"
"Oh." Edward sinks down onto a leather settee. Bella wonders briefly if this is where he sleeps. Come to think of it, she hasn't noticed any bedrooms in the house at all. Weird.
"Don't feel bad. I'm here to talk…if you want to."
"What about?"
"The quotes. I can see what you are trying to do. You push everyone else away. You have so many secrets. I don't know why you hate yourself so much, but isn't it time you confided in someone? Isn't that why you gave me these books and underlined those words?"
Edward can see now. She doesn't know. She knows nothing. She has not connected yet that all three books are about unrequited love. She doesn't understand that the day he met her started off a chain reaction that ended up with him loving her: totally and absolutely with no way out. This is his hell. To have fallen in love with a mortal and to have to watch her love another man. To live with another man. Marry him. Have his children. Grow old and die. And he can't even hate Jacob Black, because Jacob Black deserves her, can protect her, is one of the purest souls he has ever encountered. Is his friend.
He puts his hand over his face and laughs. He has no ability to cry tears, like humans do.
"I do have secrets, Bella. I can only hope that when you find them out you won't hate me too much. Bella…will you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"I'm going to speak to Jake about…all this. And chances are he won't listen to me, and he'll be angry-"
"I doubt that-"
"Believe me, he will. And it'll be up to you to make him listen, Bella. Will you tell him? Tell him that I'm not like the other bad ones he's heard about. That – I'm on a special diet?"
"Edward, that's really weird." Bella shakes her head. "You won't talk about this with me?"
"Not here. Not right now with my family around. But once I've spoken to Jake, you can come and speak to me any time and I'll tell you everything you want to know. I promise." Edward has stood up, moved closer, so that he's almost touching her. Bella carefully reaches out her hand, lets her palm slowly descend onto Edward's arm. He flinches. She gasps. He's as cold as Alice.
"Can I ask you just one thing?" Bella says, determined.
"Maybe."
"Do you know something about Jake that other people don't?"
Edward looks into her eyes.
"Yes. Yes I do."
"Oh my God" Bella's mind is spinning. She was right. She was right all along. He knows. He knows everything.
"You have to know, Bella, that I regard that secret as being as dear to me as my life itself." His eyes are so intense, his words seem so true. She has to sit down then, otherwise she's going to fall.
"Edward! We got some ice-cream. Would you and Bella like to come down?" Esme's voice calls proudly from downstairs.
"Sorry, she's just leaving." Edward calls back. They lock eyes again.
Bella doesn't say anything, just stands up and walks out the room, and down the stairs. Esme and Alice meet her in the hallway with optimistic faces. There's chat about how lovely it's been, and how she must come back soon, and how nice it is to meet Edward's school friends. Then she's outside in the cold, crunching towards the truck, the lights from the Cullen's roof casting twinkling shadows on the settled snow.
Inside the truck, Bella puts her forehead on the steering wheel. She's got to see Jacob. Now. Just drive. But as usual the windscreen has frozen over and she must wait for the warm air to clear it away. As she sits there, Bella finds that her hand is resting on a book on the passenger seat. It's the copy of 'Twelfth Night' that Edward has given her. She turns again to read the inscription inside:
"Oh Time, thou must untangle this, not I. It is too hard a knot for me t'untie!"
She snorts. Yeah, you can say that again.