All right, as promised, this chapter is going to be chock full of crack humor. So if you'll please keep your seats in an upright position we'll begin this story shortly.
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"All right Peacock Boy, you move!"
"What are you talking about, Bullet Head, it's your move!
"No, it's your move, you woman in man's clothing!"
"Your move, Pachinko ball!"
"Your move!"
"Your move!"
"Your move!"
"Your move!"
Life as normal at the Karakura Police Department.
"What the hell is that racket?" Kiyone asked, having just entered the room.
"Oh, hi Kiyone," Rukia said, handing Quincy the mouse to Ichigo.
"As far as I can tell," Ichigo said as he pet Quincy, "Yumichika and Ikkaku are arguing over who should make the first move in Checkers."
"Well, why don't they just flip a coin?" the befuddled toe-head wondered.
"That just the thing," Rukia explained, "they can't decide who should flip the coin."
Across the room, Yumichika's cricket chirped.
"I think I'm going to go take a nap," Kiyone sweatdropped, "things'll probably make more sense in my dreams than in reality right now."
"Whatever," Ichigo waved, trying to be gentle with the mouse he was holding. He turned to Rukia, "So you say this little guy almost singlehandedly demolished half of Urahara's store?"
"Yeah, but he's harmless now-"
"Hey guys," Matsumoto called from the kitchen, "we're out of Saké again!" She poked her head into the office, "Would anyone mind running out and getting some more?"
"Why don't you just get it yourself?" Renji asked, sounding annoyed.
"Because I have some very important paperwork that needs to get done that I've been putting off for too long."
"Which means that it's almost time for your daily five-hour nap," Tatsuki corrected.
"Exactly," Rangiku said, not even bothering to deny it, "so could someone please do that? We actually need to go shopping anyways."
"Didn't we just go shopping two weeks ago?" Isane asked.
"We did, but you know how fast everyone always goes through the food, especially the guys."
"Hey, I resent that!" Yumichika shouted, his verbal sparing match with Ikkaku temporarily forgotten. "I'll have you know that you don't get a beautiful figure like mine by overindulging."
"Yeah, whatever," Matsumoto said, waving him off, "that still doesn't change the fact that we're out of both food and Saké, so somebody better get their butt down to the store and-"
"Alright alright!" Ichigo screamed. "I'll go! You happy now?" Matsumoto nodded, and then headed back into the kitchen, presumably to see if she overlooked anything in her search for alcohol.
"Boy, you've just become her lapdog since you've been back," Renji chuckled, "haven't you?"
"Oh shut up!" Ichigo shouted. Then he stomped towards the front doors, muttering something about that "Red fern with racing stripes". "Come on, Kuchiki," muttered as he passed Rukia's station, grabbing her arm in the process, "You're coming with me."
"What!" Rukia exclaimed. "Why?"
"Because you're the closest," he explained. Then, he whispered, "and because you're really the only sane one here aside from myself. So let's go get this over with."
About ten minutes later, Ichigo and Rukia arrived at the local Supermart and began their shopping.
"So what do you guys usually get?" Rukia asked out of genuine curiosity.
"I don't know," Ichigo shrugged, "it's usually differs depending on whoever gets suckered into going."
When he saw Rukia looked confused, he explained further, "Like if Tatsuki does it (for example), she usually comes back with a bunch of high protein stuff and the like. Matsumoto always overbuys on the Saké, so we never let her go unsupervised.
"Yumichika always gets a lot of diet food and cosmetics, so he never goes either. And Isane is physically incapable of buying anything not healthy, so she's out too." By now Rukia was laughing, it was fun leaning about her comrades' eating habits.
"What about Hanatarou?" she asked when her giggles died down. "Did you ever send him shopping?"
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Random Cashier Girl; "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you're one item over the limit."
Hanatarou; "B-b-b-but I only have thirteen items! How is that over the limit?
Cashier girl; "Because this is the 'twelve items or less' lane; and I'm afraid we don't service anyone with more. Store policy."
Hanatarou; "What? That's a stupid store policy."
Cashier girl; *speaks into microphone* "Security to register 3, we've got a code 4-1."
*Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Hanatarou is tackled by a bunch of former Sumo, Rugby, Hockey, and Football players in Security uniforms. They then proceed to beat the living crap out of him before roughly throwing him out of the store*
Hanatarou; *weakly* "My...spleen..."
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"Once," Ichigo said simply.
He didn't say anything else after that.
"Um," Rukia sweatdropped, trying to find a way out of the awkwardness they'd just stumbled into, "what about Ikkaku?"
"If I remember correctly," Ichigo said, thinking back, "Ikkaku usually just gets junk food, and a good scolding from both Yumichika and Isane.
Rukia chuckled, she was enjoying this.
"Renji actually gets a little of everything," Ichigo continued, "but because of that there's not a lot to go around and fights break out." Ichigo chuckled, "Ukitake-taichou hardly ever did the shopping on account of his terrible health. But I remember one time he did go; he came back with five bags full of prescriptions."
"Five bags?" Rukia asked, disbelieving.
"Yeah. When we asked him about it, he said that his doctor, (Unohana Retsu-sensei), told him that she'd spike whatever meds he had left with laxatives if he didn't start taking better care of himself."
By this time Rukia was practically doubled over with laughter. She'd heard stories of their absent chief, but this was the first one with him as the victim.
The fact that it tied into the shopping habits conversation didn't hurt either.
Finally, (and because she was starting to garner stares from the other shoppers), she became winded and had to stop laughing if she wanted to remain upright.
"So", she eventually asked after she caught her breath, "what about you?"
Ichigo screeched to a stop in front of the sauces.
"What do you mean, 'what about me'?" he asked cautiously.
"I mean what did you usually get when you did the shopping?"
Ichigo thought for a moment.
"You know," he said finally, "I think this is the first time I've done the Station's shopping."
Now it was Rukia's turn to stop dead in her tracks.
However, before she could say anything, shouts of "Look out!" and "Get out of the way!" suddenly came from down the aisle. When they both turned to see what was going on, what met their eyes was worse than either of them could imagine.
Barreling towards them at a breakneck speed of 6 mph was one of those grocery store granny carts, with a granny asleep at the handlebars.
"Rukia, look out!" Ichigo yelled, shoving the diminutive policewoman out of the way of the maniacal sleeping, speeding granny.
Ichigo himself, however, wasn't so lucky, as the runaway cart barreled into him, knocking him against a row of tomato sauce.
"Ichigo!" Rukia yelled, picking herself up and rushing over to her downed comrade. "Ichigo, are you alright?"
"*cough*, Rukia...," Ichigo coughed.
"Ichigo..." Rukia whimpered as she notice that half his face was now covered in red. He coughed again, and he hacked up some type of red fluid. "Don't worry Ichigo, I'm going to call Isane and we're gonna take you to a hospital."
"Uh, Rukia-"
"Don't speak," she said with a bit more drama than might have been necessary, "you've lost too much blood already. Just lay down, and-"
"It not blood, dammit!" he shouted, finally losing his cool.
"It's not?" she asked, genuinely surprised.
"NO! Of course not; it's just fricking tomato sauce!"
Rukia stared at the chunky red liquid covering Ichigo's face. After a while she wiped a bit off and gave it a taste.
Sure enough, it was tomato sauce. Prego, to be precise.
"Oh," Rukia said sheepishly, her face turning the same color as the sauce on Ichigo's.
"Let's just go get the rest of this junk and get out of here," Ichigo said, wiping the rest of his face off.
"Yeah," Rukia agreed, hoping she wouldn't be ridiculed for this when they got back.
Though knowing the other officers, they'd be too busy arguing about the small quantities of food they'd be getting.
Well, for about three and a half minutes, anyways.
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And there's the IchiRuki! Because it's easily the most popular ship on this dang site. Also, you don't know how long I've been waiting to use that sauce gag!
Tune in next time (same Bat time, same Bat channel) when we go in depth with all the force! If you thought this chapter might have been lacking on the crack, the next one will have more than a 50 mile long meth lab!