Spoilers for cops& Robbers, and Heartbreak Hotel AND the promo for Kill Shot. I guess.

My safe word is Castle

"So you had to stay behind while the boys went off to Atlantic city?" Dr. Burke asks Kate who nods in her chair. "How did that go?"

Kate is silent for a few seconds to busy nibbling her bottom lip. "Harder than I thought it would be...I mean, I went three whole months without Rick...but this time was different."

"How so?" Even though he knows.

She yawns into the back of her hand. "First of all I have never not had him there for a case...secondly...things are just different." She says not looking at him.

"Do you think it's because of what he said?" Dr. Burke presses.

Kate sighs. "yes...but also everything else.

He raises an eyebrow.

Her eyes focus on her knees that are bent into her chest. " I almost told him...maybe even before he thought of telling me..."

"Tell him what?"

"How much I...Love him..." She whispers. She's never said it out loud before. Not to herself and not in therapy. "we were in the freezer...and I thought...what if this is it? What if we both die in here...he'll never know..."

"And he still doesn't" Dr. Burke points out.

She shakes her head. "I passed out before I finished my sentence...and he never asked me...the only other time he brought it up was during that fight before I was shot...and we still didn't talk about it...but...with all that we have been through...and the recent Bank..." She pauses closing her eyes. "I'm afraid to talk about it..." She looks up. "And we didn't even talk about it over dinner. He made a joke about how I saved his life 8 times, but hes saved mine more.."

"How many time has he saved yours?"

"He says 9." She replies with a smile and an eye roll but then her face becomes serious.

"I am sensing there is another time."

She nods. "There is a 10th...maybe even a few more he has no idea about.

"What are they?"

Kate situates herself more comfortably in her chair. "The first...was before we met. His Books." She pauses finding herself feeling nostalgic.

"What did his books do for you?"

"They kept me from drowning." She says softly. "There was something about his words, his stories that kept me grounded. Maybe it's the fact that justice always won out in the end. The hero always got his answers. They kept me hanging onto the hope that I to, would someday find answers."

Dr. Burke considers her for a moment. "Have you ever thought of telling Castle this?"

She plays with the fabric of her dress pants. " Someday." She answers truthfully. She knows she'll tell him. Perhaps after she confesses to him that she remembers his declaration of love...that she loves him too, and perhaps always has deep down. That he's her safe word. That his is the only name she thinks of when she's in need. Maybe that would soften the blow of having lied to him all this time.

"And the other times?" Dr. Burke asks seeing she's gone somewhere else for a minute.

"After we met. Certainly not at first. But after a while...having him around made my life seem less dim, and lonely. He made me see that there is plenty of things to enjoy in life...and I wasn't having any fun until he came into my life." She quotes her dear captain. "He was good for me, has been good for me."

"This is very good Kate." He praises.

She can't hep the smile that creeps onto her face. She bites her lip. Proud of herself...

"It's great that you have come to realize all this on your own." He then adds.

She only nods, biting down harder on her lip because although she's proud of her revelation...she also still has doubts. Doubts about her own strength. The depth of how much she really needs Castle in her life. She almost went the whole day without him...but she couldn't stop thinking about him, and talking about him to Gates, trying to defend him because she's terrified that one of these days Gates will kick him out for good. She has a weakness. Two really. One is the rabbit hole, and the second is Castle. And without the latter, she falls into the other. She knows that this unfinished business of hers is still in the way. But she finds she needs him there at all times. She only feels safe with herself when he is around...and without him...she might just slip away again.

There is still that thing deep inside of her that consumes her. That need for answers, it's ravenous and it makes her crazy and forgetful of all else. She's afraid of that Kate. Because this one is better, the one she is slowly becoming is healthier and just a little bit happier...but that other side of her...the broken down Kate, lurks just near the surface. The one who's still suffering from PTSD, who's fixing herself but is not all mended...she's still vulnerable, and it would be very easy to tip over and become the one thing she's trying to stay away from.

I realize this is short. But the episode didn't give me much. So I took a bit from the one before, and this one, plus the PTSD roaring its ugly head in the promo. I was hoping they'd have it resurface. She has to get worse before she gets better, it's not all just going to go away.

Also. Caffinate-Me and I had the same idea about the 10th time he saved her, but she got it posted first. Haha.

Thoughts?