Chapter 10
"All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing"
Dave Matthews-#41
Jasper
I tossed the keys to Emmett and ran from there. The woods were my destination. I would hunt and then I would forget everything that just happened. I would push it so deeply down into me that I would not be able to even reach it with effort.
I took the first animal I ran in to, drained it and ran for another. And another.
This cannot happen. She is a human. She is weak and breakable, and it is impossible. I will turn my memories into dust.
My memories, how I felt her pain, but how I was able to quell it, to calm her. And I hadn't pushed any emotions onto her. She was calmed by me, a monster in every sense.
She was calmed by my presence. I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I did not use my talent, and yet she went from hysteria to calm in an instant.
The mangled body of the girl, who was dead, was pouring blood. I could hear it slip down her limbs, slide down the van that kept her crushed. It waited on hands and knees begging me to come and lap it up, every inch.
Bella's pain and shock overcame my bloodlust. Without realizing it, I was bent next to her and taking her away, to the cafeteria where it was warm.
It started to snow; I looked up at the tree filled sky. I had let myself be messy with my kills; I had blood dripping down my chin, on my shirt. I took it off wiped myself off with it, and threw it to the ground.
I decided then and there that I needed a trip to the mountains, without a second thought I ran and ran and ran…the mountains.
I had wanted to work on repressing the memory while I was running, but it kept flashing in my mind, kept giving me a goddamn play by play of what I did not want to see. I did not want to see Bella in my arms calm, her fingers touching my face, her fingers touching my hair. I did not want to see how calm she was when she did that. I did not want to see the other feelings she had when she inhaled me. I did not want to see what feelings I had when she did those things. I did not want to see the look on my face when she looked at me. It was relaxed, calm, like a weight lifted from the world and finally it was me whom it was lifted from. Never me, not after Vera.
Her tears, the way the water glazed in her eyes, and found its way down her cheeks, to her lips.
Stop. These thoughts are forbidden. I forbid myself to have them.
I flexed my hand. The one that touched her face. It burned. Like the burn on my back that first day. Like the burn of her emotions pulsing through me. Like the flame of her stare that scorched my own eyes. It burned and I wanted to chop it off.
The snow picked up, heavier still. I cut through it as I made my way up the mountain.
Her scent. My nose grazing the length of her wrist. The snowflakes were freesias falling down upon me, coating my body, attacking my senses with the memory of her. I could feel the warmth of her cradled in my arms; I could taste the freesias in the air, haunting me. Always, I am haunted.
Push it down Jasper. She is a human.
A human who is not afraid of me. She saw my eyes, she knows. She knows. There is no way that she could know. Do I want her to? No.
I ran to the lake. My secluded little lake in the middle of a mountain. It's where I went when I needed to get away from the happy couples that surrounded me. I wanted to be miserable, and their bliss was a diversion I wasn't willing to take. The air here was thinner, but that didn't bother me. It was fresher, devoid of the toxins of humans and industry. I breathed deeply…I wish I could feel the end result. My lungs were dead. I wish they had taken me with them.
I stopped at the edge of the lake and watched the snow fall heavier than below the mountain. The water was frozen over. I walked over the ice and lay down in the center of the lake. The snow felt good on my skin. My chest was bare to the elements. I looked around. The trees ran high covering me from the world. The sky was barely visible through the heavily falling snow.
I rolled over on my stomach. This is what a dead man looks like. I saw fish beneath the thick sheet of ice. They swam about minding their own business, playing the game of life…different for every creature. I take life from the living. What do you take fish? I mentally asked the blue and gold scales beneath. It had no answer for me.
I take life. I'm death delivered in shackles. I am an unwilling participant in this life.
Images of her face flashed through my mind. I screamed at the top of my lungs, a guttural cry that none would hear but the animals, the prey.
Forget about her Jasper, she is nothing to you.
I got to my knees, pounding the thick ice beneath me, the whole of it shoot.
Images of Bella, images of Vera. Vera. Forever, and never again my love. As I promised you, I haven't followed you.
I stood and in my place began to sway. I put my arms up to hold my Vera, and we began to dance. There on the ice we waltzed. Ice when she left me. Ice in my heart since.
You taught me to dance Vera. Your father taught you. And I will teach no one. Dance with me.
And so I began to dance. I held my posture, just like she said. Chin up, just like she said. One hand in hers the other at her back, and we moved. Together, we danced.
Xxxxxx
"My father and my mother used to dance. I watched them when I was little. They glided and…" Vera cut off her sentence with a laugh, she covered her mouth and her body shook with her laughter.
"That Mr. Whitlock is not gliding."
I was definitely gliding across the floor, practicing the dance she was about to teach me properly. She came close to me and put her hands on my chest, "Can I cut in?" She asked in a sweet voice.
"Of course ma'm." I pretended to disengage with my imaginary partner and took her waste. She was smirking, "What?" I asked.
"Well I wasn't asking to cut in for you, I was asking to cut in for this handsome man over here." She moved away from me and then started dancing with nothing.
I sighed and laughed. "Vera, you are all mine. I will not share you with make-believe." I pushed air when I pretended to assault nothing. The imaginary partner bested by me.
I held on to her so tight I thought she might break so I loosened my grip. She noticed and her eyes got sad. "I'm not breakable anymore Jasper. I'm so thin because that's how I was when I was changed; I daresay I gained weight during the transformation. I'm healthy now. I'm in love now. And I'm dancing now. Now put your arms in the right position!"
That was the first and last night I made love to her.
The War took over our lives. We became the war. Again. Always war.
XxxxxxxX
I dropped my arms, the dance was over. She was gone. She was never really there, never again. I pounded my fists to the ice again. I was rewarded with a ripping, cracking sound. The ice gave way beneath my feet, my thoughts flashed to Vera, her beautiful face, childlike eyes that were battered by the camps, the horror residing in them enveloping me. I crashed into the water. The image that flashed through my mind was one that I did not want. I did not want to see Bella in front of me taking my hand, my other on her back, pulling her close and moving together. I did not want to see her take Vera's place in the waltz.
The cold water felt good. The ghosts in my head felt bad. Good. Bad. Vera. Bella. I lay floating on my back amongst shards of ice. I looked at the sky and willed a week of sunny days for Forks. I could go away and never come back like Edward and Alice.
I could. I will.