Thanks so much to my wonderful beta, who always spends so much time pouring over my stories making them pretty and shiny for you to read. Gotgoats—you rock, dude.
Blank Slate
Chapter 10
Amelia brought Dr. Granger in to Tony's cubicle a few minutes later. "Ok let's see what we have," he said, moving in close to Tony's bedside.
"He woke up a few minute ago—opened his eyes and looked around. Something's wrong though. He was terrified. You could see it in his eyes," Gibbs reported. "I've known him for a long time and I don't recall ever seeing fear like that on his face."
"His entire body was tense also," Ducky chimed in. "He looked as though he felt like he would be attacked."
"I'm going to wake him. Just because his initial reaction was a negative one…it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong. After an injury like this one, the brain awakens slowly. That may be all that is going on."
Gibbs and Ducky both nodded and Dr. Granger leaned over Tony a bit. "Tony," he called. "Wake up Tony. Can you open your eyes for me?" It took a moment, but Tony eventually managed to drag his eyes open. He blinked heavily several times and looked around. "There you are," Dr. Granger said kindly. "How are you feeling?"
"Ha—pen—ed?" Tony forced out.
"You were in an explosion. You're in the hospital and I am your doctor. My name is Dr. Granger. Can you tell me your name?"
"Tony," Tony whispered. "W-wa-ter?"
Dr. Granger nodded to Gibbs who quickly grabbed the huge cup with the long straw off of the rollaway table. Gibbs held the straw to Tony's lips and Tony stared at him. "Here's some water Tony," Gibbs offered.
Tony eyed Gibbs warily and slowly opened his mouth to accept the straw. It took him a moment to figure out how to drink from it. Once he'd had all he wanted, Tony rolled his head away.
"Don't go back to sleep yet Tony," Dr. Granger said. "I would like to ask you some questions. Just answer them the best you can." Tony nodded slightly. "Do you know who the president is?"
Tony licked his lips and swallowed hard, staring at the ceiling. "B-Bush…" he murmured.
Dr. Granger made a note and glanced at Gibbs who looked concerned. "Good and can you tell me…do you have a job?"
"Mmmhmmm," Tony said tiredly.
"Where do you work Tony? What do you do for a job?"
"'mmm a cop," he mumbled. His eyes were drooping and he looked exhausted.
"Where do you work Tony?"
"Balt'more…cop…" he yawned and his eyes dropped shut.
"One more question and then you can sleep." Tony's eyes opened to slits. "What year is it Tony?"
Tony blinked. "2002," he whispered. "Sleeeeepy…" he closed his eyes and almost instantly dropped off to sleep.
Gibbs looked at the doctor, but Dr. Granger held up his hand. "Let's go down to the conference room so he can rest. I will tell you what I'm thinking and you can ask any questions you might have."
"MIGHT!" Gibbs exclaimed.
"Amelia will you please stay with Agent DiNozzo until we return? I'll let the other nurses know to watch your zone."
"Yes Doctor. Thank you Doctor," Amelia replied.
Dr. Granger smiled and led the way out of the cubicle. A few moments later, after stopping long enough to get coverage for Amelia's zone, he led the two men into the conference room.
"What the hell is wrong with Tony?!" Gibbs sounded almost hysterical, bursting out his question even before the door was closed.
"Easy Jethro," Ducky said soothingly. "Go on Doctor."
"Well I don't think I need to explain that Tony is experiencing some confusion."
"I noticed," Gibbs said mildly. "So how do we fix it? What does that mean?"
"It can mean several things. He could be experiencing some confusion as a result of the concussion. He may also be having the confusion because he's still coming out of the coma. Sometimes it takes a bit for the brain to wake back up fully. There is also the chance that he is experiencing some more serious memory loss—perhaps in some form of retrograde amnesia."
Gibbs leaned back in the chair and let out a long sigh. "So how do we know which it is?"
"There are several tests I am planning to perform. We'll start tonight by checking his vitals and monitoring his consciousness level as we would with any patients who have a concussion. We will wake him every two hours to make sure his consciousness is not slipping and to assure that he is not slipping into a delirium. I'd like to perform the same tests I've been doing for the past few days to mark his level on the Glasgow Coma Rating Scale, and I'm going to put in orders for Tony to have another CT and MRI to be completed first thing in the morning. We'll do that in the morning. He needs to sleep tonight as much as possible. The brain does tremendously remarkable work while the body sleeps."
"He's been out like a light for almost five days! How much sleep does he need?!"
"He's been unconscious, Agent Gibbs. Not sleeping. Not even really resting. And his body has been hard at work the entire time. I think you will find over the next couple of weeks that Tony is going to sleep quite a lot. My advice is to let him rest. If he wants to sleep, let him. Wake him for meals—nourishment is going to be important as well—but if he's tired, the best thing will be for him to sleep."
Gibbs nodded. "Ok," he said. "He's still in ICU…do you think he'll get out of here anytime soon?"
"Out of the ICU? I'm going to wait and make that decision after I see his test results tomorrow morning. He will move to a step-down unit first and then on to a regular room. Depending on how he does, and the occurrence of any setbacks, once he's in a regular room he may be released fairly quickly."
"Are you going to do any tests on his motor skills?" Ducky asked. "Vision? Hearing? Though he seems to be hearing just fine, and his speech, although a little slurred, was easily decipherable."
Dr. Granger nodded and made a note on his clipboard. "Yes. Once the CT and MRI come back I will do more physical assessments. Do you have any other questions?"
"Is he hurting?" Gibbs asked softly.
"We'll get Amelia to check his vitals and we can ask him if he's hurting. It would not be surprising for him to experience some pretty severe headaches."
Gibbs nodded. "I don't want him to hurt."
"I don't either, but I'm also hesitant to prescribe him heavy painkillers or narcotics, only because I don't want to alter his consciousness level unless it is absolutely necessary."
"Makes sense," Gibbs said. "As long as you are aware. And also…he doesn't do well on narcotics as a general rule."
"He has adverse reactions to narcotics?"
Gibbs nodded. "He's a handful."
"But outside of that, he doesn't have any physical reactions? No difficulty breathing or heart palpitations or anything like that?"
"No," Gibbs said. "Nothing like that."
"We'll give him something mild tonight to make sure he can rest, but not knock him out. If there are no other questions…"
"I need coffee," Gibbs muttered. "Duck I'll walk ya out." He looked at Dr. Granger. "Thank you Doctor," he said.
"My pleasure. I'm glad he's improving. It's nice to see him awake."
"Yes it is," Gibbs agreed.
xxx
When Gibbs returned to the ICU a few minutes later, there was quite a bit of noise coming from Tony's cubicle. He hurried to the room and stopped short when he saw Amelia and Dr. Granger both struggling to keep Tony in the bed. Tony's movements looked clumsy and sluggish, but it was obvious that he had no desire to stay in the bed and that he was working hard to make his escape.
"Mr. DiNozzo! You've got to stay in bed! You're not ready to be up yet! You've got to stay in bed!" Amelia was struggling to push him back, but Tony was stronger.
"Tony! Stand down!" Gibbs called over the ruckus in the room. Tony froze at Gibbs' sharp words and turned fear-filled eyes to the man standing in the door.
The doctor and the nurse started to move towards Tony, but he struck out again as they approached. "NO!" He cried. "NO STOP! NO DRUGS! NO DRUGS!" His hands clutched at his temples, and he bent forward in the bed.
"Give him a minute?" Gibbs requested, stepping forward. Dr. Granger looked perplexed, but at Gibbs' steady gaze he nodded. "Alright," he relented. "C'mon Amelia. Let's give Tony a moment."
The medical professionals quickly left the cubicle and Gibbs moved in closer to Tony's bed. "Easy Tony," he said soothingly. Tony was still rocking forward in bed, his hands clutching at his head, moaning pitifully. "They're gone," Gibbs said. "No one's giving you anything you don't want yet."
Tony's gasps slowly began to slow and he eventually looked up. Gibbs cocked his head to one side and looked at him carefully. "With me?" he asked.
Tony stared at him for a long moment before nodding slowly. "Y-yeah," Tony panted. He looked horribly tired, and Gibbs wondered how long he'd stay awake. "Yeah I'm with you," he said. He looked up at Gibbs.
Gibbs nodded and indicated the bed. "Can I sit? So we can talk?" He wanted nothing more than to pull Tony into his arms and promise that everything was going to be fine, but he knew that wouldn't help anything here. If Tony thought it was 2002 then Gibbs wasn't sure Tony knew who he was.
Tony shrugged and Gibbs moved slowly to sit on the bed facing him. "Hey," Gibbs said softly, offering a gentle half smile. He loved this man so much. It troubled him to see Tony so frightened. "I'm wondering something."
"What?" Tony asked raggedly. He felt so wrung out. So exhausted. His head was splitting, but he didn't dare take any drugs. He knew what painkillers did to him—he couldn't afford to be left so vulnerable right now. He didn't know anyone here. Christ what the hell was going on? What happened to him? Who was this man in front of him and why was he being nice and what was HE wondering?
"I'm sure your head is hurting," Gibbs spoke gently. "I don't understand why you don't want any painkillers, Tony?"
Tony shook his head. "I can't take 'em," he swallowed hard. "I can't—they make me—" he shuddered. "I can't…can't watch out for myself…if I have painkillers," he finally whispered.
"Is your head hurting?" Gibbs asked, dropping the volume of his voice considerably.
"Yeah," Tony whimpered, raising a hand back to his temple. "Hurts so bad," he murmured. "So tired."
God he was falling apart right before Gibbs' eyes. It was devastating to watch. "Tony…I want you to understand something." He waited until Tony's unsteady gaze slowly rose to look at him. "You're safe with me," he said firmly, keeping the gentleness in his tone.
Tony shook his head. "How can you say that?" he breathed. "I don't understand…I don't…I don't even know you!" he wailed. His hand rose to his temple again and he closed his eyes for a long moment.
Gibbs smiled. "I can help with that," he said easily. "Allow me to introduce myself. Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, NCIS."
"And I know you?" Tony asked uncertainly.
"Yes," Gibbs said. "We are partners at work. You…you work at NCIS with me. You're part of my team."
Tony shook his head. "S-stop," he said, his eyes dropping shut again.
"You ok Tony?" Gibbs asked.
Tony shook his head. "D-Doctor said…don't want to have people tell me memories. S'posed to…remember 'em…"
Gibbs nodded. "Ah. Yes. I remember that."
"You…what?" Tony asked. He looked up, confusion marring his features.
"I know what you're going through," Gibbs said.
"You do?" Tony asked.
Gibbs smiled sadly. "Yeah," he said. "I um…I've been in a similar situation to the one you're in."
"Really?" Tony asked.
"Yeah," Gibbs nodded.
Tony ran a hand over his face, wiping away some errant moisture that was wetting his eyes suspiciously, and looked at Gibbs with interest. "What uh…what happened?"
"I was working a case. I was on a ship with a terrorist, and the ship exploded. I was in a coma for several days…finally woke up, but I couldn't remember anything from the past twenty years."
"I can't remember…what year did you say this is?"
"I haven't said," Gibbs said quietly. "It's 2012."
"Right…and I am stuck in 2002…so I've lost ten years," Tony seemed to almost be speaking to himself. He raised his hand to his temple again and blinked heavily. God his head hurt.
"Tony—"
"I have to ask you something else," Tony blurted. He looked up at Gibbs. "This whole, memory loss thing…can you fix it? How do I fix it? Because…Because I've gotta get back to work."
Gibbs pursed his lips, feeling perplexed. He recalled this frustration. This desire to reach out and grasp at thoughts and memories that were just beyond your reach. This need to grasp onto a reality that no longer existed. It was maddening.
"Special Agent Gibbs," Tony repeated. "Can you fix it? Did you fix yours?"
"Just call me Gibbs, Tony," Gibbs said with a smile. Then it quickly faded. "There's…if you're looking for a cure…like a pill or something…there's not one. But…I got most of my memories back. Over time."
"Over time." Tony swallowed hard.
"Yeah," Gibbs said quietly.
Tony was quiet for a long moment, then he was suddenly trying to get out of bed again. "I gotta go," he mumbled, shoving his way to his feet, even before Gibbs could stop him. His knees buckled almost immediately though, and Gibbs dove to catch him before he landed on the floor.
"Easy!" Gibbs exclaimed. "Where ya going?"
"I gotta get outta here," Tony said. "Gotta go…" He clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Get back in bed, Tony," Gibbs instructed gently.
"I need help…gotta go…needa…figure…out…"
Gibbs gently manhandled Tony back into the bed. "Take it easy," he said. "I'd feel better if you had something for your headache."
"No," Tony shook his head slowly. "No I can't…drugs…they make me act funny…I can't…I have to watch my back," Tony said pitifully. "I don't…no one else will do it…I have no one…and I don't even know where we are! Where the hell am I?"
Gibbs kept his hands on Tony's shoulders. "Ok, ok, easy," he coached. "Tony you're safe with me. I've got your six, ok?"
"How can I trust you? I don't even know you!" Tony moaned.
Gibbs thought for a moment, looking around the room, wondering how to convince him. "Tony…I'm listed as your next of kin," he said.
Tony blinked and stared up at him. "What? But…no…no that's impossible," Tony stammered. "D-Danny's my next of kin. Danny…I need to call Danny…"
"I can show you the forms Tony," Gibbs said. "Stay right there ok?" he pointed at the bed. Tony nodded. Gibbs turned around and found his briefcase. He'd brought it with him when he'd left NCIS and he knew it had their powers of attorney in them—he'd made sure to grab copies before coming back to the hospital. He quickly opened his pack and found the folder with their forms in it. He handed Tony his Next of Kin and Medical Power of Attorney forms. Tony took them and stared at them intently.
"You listed me as your next of kin the day you started at NCIS," Gibbs said softly. He recalled the day well, but shoved the memory from his mind. Now wasn't the time for that. "You trusted me then Tony," Gibbs urged. "You signed the form. Look at the date."
Tony stared at the date Gibbs pointed out. 2002. Right next to his signature. Holy shit. He blinked and looked up at Gibbs. "I trusted you," he breathed.
"That's right Tony."
"I don't even know you," Tony whispered. Tears filled his eyes and he looked around. He felt a bit like he was going to fly apart. He didn't know what to do. Could he trust this man?
"I know," Gibbs said. "And I know how difficult it is to know who to believe and who to trust."
"But you're asking me to do it," Tony spat, with an ill look on his face. The tears spilled over and he scrubbed them away.
Gibbs nodded. "I am. And I can promise you that I won't let you down. I have your six."
"You being my next of kin…what's that mean? Other than the obvious?" Tony asked. He put his head in his hands.
"It means that I have the authority to make medical decisions for you if you aren't able to do it for yourself. And I'll tell you something else too."
"What?"
"You're also my next of kin," Gibbs said, bumping their shoulders together. He offered a small smile when Tony looked up at him.
"I am?"
"Yep. I trust you more than anyone else that I know."
"Wow," Tony murmured. "Gibbs?"
"Yeah Tony?"
"I'm…I'm scared."
"I know," Gibbs patted him on the shoulder, fighting the urge to draw him close, once again. "I know."
"This…it's is a lot to take in," Tony continued. "I just…I really just wanna…wanna sleep…"
Gibbs eyed him with gentle concern. "Why don't you get some rest? I'm not leaving. I'm staying with you. Once you're released from the hospital, I'll take you home." Gibbs didn't tell him that Tony only kept the apartment for appearances now…and that he spent nearly every night at Gibbs' house. He figured they'd talk about that later…and with any luck, Tony would remember that on his own.
"I…Gibbs, I…"
"Tony…will you let me help you make some decisions? Take some of the pressure off?" Gibbs asked.
"Like what?" He blinked his eyes shut and seemed to have to struggle to reopen them.
"Let me talk to the doctor about giving you something for the headache. I don't think you need knocking out, but—"
"Oh I think knocking out wouldn't be so bad," Tony mumbled, rubbing his forehead.
Gibbs cupped Tony's face and looked him in the eye. "Do you trust me?"
"I…I have to," Tony whispered, grabbing Gibbs' wrists and holding onto them a bit desperately. "You're…you're the only friend I've got…and I don't even know you, but…but something…my body…it just…I'm comfortable with you," he said. "I have to listen to that. I trust you, Gibbs," Tony looked at Gibbs through glassy eyes. "Will…will you help me?"
Gibbs embraced Tony, pulling him close. Tony tensed for a moment but then he melted against Gibbs. This all felt so right. It felt safe. Comfortable. Two tears rolled out of Tony's eyes and he sniffled, fighting them back. Gibbs squeezed him tighter and then released and helped him lay back down. "I'm gonna go get the doctor," he said. "I'm going to ask him to get you something for the pain so you can get some rest."
Tony reached out a hand towards Gibbs as he moved away. "Gibbs," he called. He blinked heavily again. God he was exhausted.
"Yeah?"
"Will you stay?" Tony whispered.
Gibbs turned around and headed right back to Tony's side. He took up his seat on the bed again and looked at Tony carefully. "I'll just hit the button," he said, doing exactly that.
Amelia poked her head in. "Everything ok?"
"He's ready for some pain meds, please," Gibbs said.
Amelia nodded. "Dr. Granger already put the order in, and I've got it all ready to go. Let me just go get it." She disappeared.
Tony looked at Gibbs for a long moment, shame filling his features. "The painkillers…they make me…I go kinda nuts…" Tony said uncomfortably.
"I know Tony," Gibbs said in a soothing tone. "I've got your six. I told you. It's going to be alright. You're safe with me."
Amelia came back in and quickly administered the dose of the fast acting painkiller. Tony almost immediately slumped a bit, the gentle tug of the medication, combined with his exhaustion, already pulling him toward a peaceful sleep. A slow smile dragged across his face as he stared up at Gibbs. His eyes slid down to his hand that was being held gently by Gibbs. "You really mean it," Tony said tiredly.
Gibbs smiled. "Yeah Tony," he nodded and squeezed Tony's hand. "I really mean it."
"Hey G-Gibbs?" Tony blinked slowly.
"Yeah?"
"'m…I'm gonna…sleep now," Tony mumbled. His fingers twitched in Gibbs' and his head slowly rolled to the side. His eyes slipped closed and he drifted away peacefully.
"Got your six," Gibbs murmured. "I've got you. You're safe. I'll be right here when you wake up." He leaned over and kissed Tony's temple lightly. "I love you Sweetheart."
TBC…