Poor Rita came in to find both of us blubbering on the floor. I completely lost it. I don't think I've ever cried like that before in my entire life. I've been so self absorbed lately, I didn't stop to think about how much Holly misses Nick too.
I got a phone call from Dr. Adams, who is Nick's psychiatrist. He asked me to come see him this afternoon at the hospital, so we could talk about Nick. Finally, I'd get some answers.
I was practically climbing the walls at Rita's house today, until I took an early train to the hospital. There were a few dozen protesters near the main entrance. I tried to ignore all the hate filled signs as I pushed my way through them. Thankfully no one recognized me.
It was agonizing sitting in the waiting room, since I showed up at the doctor's office almost an hour early.
Dr. Adams, an old sun bear with a graying muzzle and dark horn-rimmed glasses, looked down at Judy solemnly as he spoke. "I appreciate you coming in to speak with me. Since what happened to Nick will come out soon, either in a trial or leaked to the press, he wanted you to hear the facts from him first."
Judy replied angrily, "Then why won't he tell them to me, face to face?"
The bear shook his head gravely. "He isn't ready. Please realize, Miss Hopps, that Nick has been seriously traumatized by-"
"Fine." Judy's ears drooped as she interrupted him. "I need answers, so I'll take what I can get."
"Nick told me to record our session yesterday, so you could listen to it." Dr. Adams typed on the keyboard of his computer, and the playback started.
Nick sounded like his usual self as he spoke. "So Doc, where should I start?"
"Just start at the beginning."
"Well, my mom told me I was conceived in the Riviera. Not the Riviera with the fancy resorts and sparkling beaches… the Riviera car that my dad drove everywhere."
Dr. Adams sighed loudly. "Maybe we could start with something that happened a little more recently?"
"Sure thing, doc. It wasn't that many days ago, but it feels like it's been months since I dropped Judy off at headquarters. After I said goodbye to her, I went to check out a bar near the wharf named Feral's. I'd found a few old pictures of my dad and his friend Eddie, who it just so happens was the first fox to go missing awhile back. One of the pictures was taken in front of Feral's. It was a long shot, but I figured it was worth checking out. And whaddya know, the owner, a one-eyed coyote named Wanda, remembered them.
"During my chat with Wanda, I asked her about a logo on the hats that my dad and Eddie were wearing, a red W inside a white circle. She didn't know what it was, but she mentioned the hats were from someplace they worked. I remember my mom telling me once that my dad had a job working down at the docks, and that got me thinking. I vaguely remembered seeing the logo somewhere down there, so when we finished talking, I went to check out some warehouses in the area where I ran into some of… his goons while I was snooping around."
"These mammals, they were the ones that abducted you, and took you to Boris?"
"Yeah. They were careful. I never did hear any of their names. But there was a racoon, a badger, and six wolves. And of course..." Nick paused for a long time before he continued. "Boris, a particularly ill-tempered wolverine.
"Anyway, I saw a warehouse with a faded red W on it. There were some wolves loading boxes on a boat docked behind the building. I drove past and parked a few blocks away, thinking this would help me avoid any unwanted attention. Boy was I wrong. It was a dumb rookie move on my part. I should have called it in first, even though I didn't have any proof of wrongdoing. But, like an idiot, I decided to snoop around first on my own.
"They got the drop on me, in the alley next to the warehouse. They put a bag over my head and took me for a little boat ride to meet Boris."
Nick cleared his throat and paused for a few moments before he spoke again. "Boris knew who I was, since his crew had found my ID when they emptied my pockets. He asked me why I was skulking around the warehouse, and then he demanded that I tell him where my dad and siblings were. I told him I had no idea where my dad was, and that I didn't have any siblings.
I also shared a few insightful observations about his parentage and which orifice he could stick his questions in, and he responded by breaking a few of my ribs. Some folks just don't have a sense of humor."
Dr. Adams coughed as he tried to hide a chuckle. "Then what happened?"
"After Boris was done practicing his soccer kick on me, he dumped me in a cage."
"A cage?"
"Yeah, they kept me in a cage, next to a large pit. The cage was hanging over a river, inside the old water treatment plant. Eddie was in the cage too. After Boris and the other mammals cleared out I was able to talk with Eddie.
"He asked me about my siblings and my dad. I told him that having siblings was news to me, and I haven't seen my dad in years. Eddie told me not to hide anything if I was protecting him. Like I'd do that, even if I had any idea where he was."
"What can you tell me about your siblings?"
"Not much. Wanda joked that my dad would chase anything that moved, and how she was lucky she was faster than he was. I guess she wasn't kidding, because the two other abducted foxes were my half brothers."
"How does that make you feel? Having brothers that you didn't know about?"
Nick was silent for a moment. "Just sad, because I know what my dad was like. I feel bad that he had other kids. I'm sure he was a terrible parent to them too."
"Do you want to talk about your dad?"
"Not even a little bit."
There were several seconds of silence before Dr. Adams spoke. "Can you tell me what happened next?"
Nick was silent for a long, long time. His voice quavered when he finally spoke. "Later that night, they brought a… rabbit in. At first, I panicked, thinking it was Judy, but I realized he was a young buck with white fur when I got a better look at him. They dropped him in the pit. I remember how afraid he was, as he sat trembling down there."
Nick growled quietly before he continued. "They pumped Eddie full of something from a syringe, and threw him in the pit too. One of the wolves videotaped Eddie as he… as he…"
Nick wept for a few moments before Dr. Adams said, "We don't have to talk about this now, if-"
"No, it's ok. I need to talk about it."
Nick said nothing for several seconds before he continued. "Eddie tore the rabbit to pieces while the wolves and Boris just watched and laughed."
Nick spoke again, his voice flat. "After Eddie was… done, Boris threatened me again, said I had to tell him where my dad was, or else. I had nothing to give him, though, so he… he and the wolves dragged Eddie out of the pit and threw him in the cage with me. Eddie went nuts, he attacked me and bit me on the shoulder before I was able to wrestle him to the ground.
"Eddie's face was covered in blood. Not his blood. The rabbit's blood. I smelled it, and it… I don't know. I couldn't stop. I had him in a chokehold, and I kept squeezing… I couldn't stop. All I could think about was the rabbit… "
Nick trailed off as he wept loudly, and there was a break in the recording. The recording started again, and Nick spoke calmly.
"All the mammals left for awhile after that, leaving me alone with Eddie's body, when I got an idea. For once, I'm glad my teacher in high school made me read The Count of Marmot Cristo-"
"I'm sorry, the count of… what?"
"Nevermind. I just got the idea of switching clothes with Eddie and hiding his body under a blanket. I hoped they would drag me off, thinking I was Eddie, so I could escape. I figured there wasn't much of a chance that would work, so I also had a contingency plan."
"Interesting. Go on."
"I'd been playing with a metal disk, about the size of a quarter, that I'd found in the cage. I'd been scratching something on one side with my claw when I was bored, but I realized that even if they noticed the clothing swap, I could still use the disk to get a message out. I hurriedly scratched BORIS on the blank side and stuck it in the pocket of the pants with a wad of gum one of the guards had dropped. I figured either I would escape, or…"
Nick paused before he continued in a shaky voice.
"Or Judy would hear about a dead fox turning up wearing my clothes and figure out what the disk in his pocket meant."
Nick was quiet for several moments before he began to breathe in an odd, raspy way. "The hardest part was smearing… smearing the blood on my face."
Nick whined before he broke down completely, and the recording paused. When the recording resumed, Nick's voice had returned to normal.
"I'm sorry about that."
"It's ok. We can take a break-"
"No, I need to finish."
Nick cleared his throat and continued. "Like I said before, I swapped clothes, but the racoon noticed when they came to move the body. I couldn't help flinching when he kicked me in the ribs. Luckily they just grabbed Eddie's body and didn't search his pockets and find the disk."
Nick paused for a moment before he continued. "It was odd, what the raccoon said. 'Remember what the boss told us. Make sure they find the body, so it gets in the news quickly'. I think Boris was hoping my dad would hear about the dead foxes and come out of hiding."
"There's something else, isn't there?"
There was a long silence before Nick spoke. "It's the worst part of all. I'm not sure if I'm ready to share it, but I have to."
"Take your time, there's no hurry. I promise you I won't judge you, and I'm here to help you with whatever it is."
"Thanks, doc."
Nick took a deep breath and exhaled before he continued. "I was so hungry. I hadn't eaten in awhile, and Boris came in. He was eating something. I couldn't tell what it was, but smelling it really made my stomach growl. He just walked back and forth near my cage, eating and staring at me.
"Boris was crazy. He never used names when he talked about his minions, he always said, 'my eyes' or some other weird euphemism instead. Anyway, after he'd wandered back and forth in front of the cage for awhile, he told the racoon, 'Tell my eyes to go find Nick's little bunnies. I've started to get…'"
Nick sobbed once and then continued. "'I've started to get a taste for them' and then he said to me, 'for luck, fox' as he threw the white rabbit's leg into the cage. I'll never forget what he said, or the look on his face. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it."
Nick begin to sob again as Dr. Adams spoke. "It's ok Nick. You had nothing to do with the terrible things that Boris did."
Nick breathed heavily for a few moments before he replied. "I know. I feel bad, I just kicked the leg out of the cage and it fell into the river. I can't even describe how awful I felt at that moment. I've never felt so… helpless, so… empty.
"Sometime that evening, the gang of idiots came back, and I noticed the badger was missing. They didn't say anything, but I knew… I knew they hadn't gotten to Judy or Holly. I'm so proud of Judy. I heard what happened… she kicked that badger's ass when he tried to sneak up on her at the house. I wish I'd known what she'd done back then, because tormenting Boris and his gang about it would have been great. Even though they probably would have broken the rest of my ribs, it would have been worth it."
There was a break in the recording. When it started again, Nick spoke quietly.
"After Judy found me, we were riding in the police boat, and… she was bleeding. It was just a scratch, but I could smell it, even before I saw it. I… it… I don't know how to explain it. It made me think of Boris, and the rabbit being torn apart, and me strangling Eddie to death. Killing Eddie. Murdering Eddie, as I smelled that dead rabbit's blood."
The recording ended, and Doctor Adams waited patiently as Judy wept. After a few minutes, Judy wiped her eyes. She asked, "Is there more?"
Doctor Adams handed her a letter. "Only this. He wrote it this morning, and wanted you to have it after you'd finished listening."
Judy opened the letter and read:
My Dearest Judy,
I wish I could talk to you about this face to face, but now that you know what happened to me, I hope you understand why I can't. I'm sorry for how stressful this is for you, and I want you to know that I miss you and Holly so much right now. I love you both, which is why I can't see you. Boris screwed me up in a way that I don't think a non-predator can understand.
You've listened to my session with Dr. Adams, and you know what I did to Eddie. I watched him tear that rabbit to pieces, and then I murdered him. Jimmy thinks I won't be charged, since I was acting in self defense, but the cold hard fact is that Eddie is dead because of me. I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
But that isn't even the worst part. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust myself around you or Holly after what happened. I'm sorry Judy, but I just can't risk it. I can't even begin to tell you about the nightmares I've been having. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I know I'm hurting you right now, but I'm afraid of how much more I could hurt you and Holly.
And before you get any wild ideas in that dumb bunny head of yours, I've seen the protestors outside the hospital, from the common room window. I'm nothing but a liability right now, and you don't need me screwing things up at the hearing next month.
I'm giving you the car and the house. Jimmy is drawing up the paperwork, and he should have it for you soon. I love you, Judy Hopps, and I hope someday you can forgive me. Please take care of Holly, and take care of yourself.
Nick