A/N: So this chapter is a blatant set up for some M in the following chapter. See I promised things wouldn't be bad for long!

Chapter 10

What have I done!? Charles thought, sitting on the side of the bathroom tub, his head in hands, completely naked, his heart breaking into two. I pushed her too far, I knew it was a bad idea. Suddenly his mind wen to Lucy. The only other woman he had ever…He wondered if she had enjoyed it, she always seemed to. In fact she seemed quiet eager most of the time, but then again wasn't that her role. They both needed each other, he needed physical release, a warm body beneath him and she needed money, she needed to survive in the world. At one time he thought it was love, he even went so far as to make her the sole beneficiary of his tiny purse. He'd changed that though once he met Elsie, once she became housekeeper and they became good friends. Lucy could survive in a cold world, Elsie would not.

He heard shuffling in the bedroom, then the door closed. He got up and tentatively walked into the bedroom. Completely empty, the blankets had been put back into place, his pajams sat on the foot of the bed. He sighed to himself, putting his clothes back on. He layed in the bed for a while just looking up at the ceiling, a few hours ago all he could think about was the warm, wonderful things this bed would experience with him. Now it seemed only to mock him, to mock his love and kindness. It called him an animal, selfish and cruel. Concerned with only his own needs and no one else's. The bed told him he couldn't please a woman, he never could, he never could have hoped to please Elsie. And now, he had left her in pain, unfilled, and soiled. He jumped up from the bed unable to face the harsh judgments that seemed to be spouting from the sheets, putting on his robe he went into the living room and sat down in his chair. Exhaustion must have finally overtaken him because he woke up the next morning to Elsie gently nudging his shoulder. Light poured in through the windows, illuminating the side of her face just right he mistook her at first for an angel.

"Charles, I've put your breakfast on the table." She said. As he looked closer he could see the redness around her eyes, clearly she'd been up all night crying.

He got up slowly, his body protesting to the movement. Sitting down at the breakfast table, a table they had shared so many wonderful meals at they now sat starring at their plates neither of them daring to say a word.

Finally Elsie spoke up unable to handle the silence any longer. "What time is your appointment with Dr. Clarkson?"

"Hm…Oh um two o'clock, but I think I'll go to the main house and telephone to cancel. I don't really feel like facing him today."

"You should go Charles, your health is important. Besides it wont take too much time out of your day." She countered, finishing her breakfast. Sipping the last of her tea, trying to decide if she wanted to retreat to her room or wait out the tension.

"Elsie, i…I'm not really sure what to say here. But, well I'd like you to come back and sleep in our bed. I promise I will never do anything like that again."

"It was a silly idea on my part." She said, looking down, her fingers fiddling with the table cloth nervously.

"No it wasn't silly, it was a perfectly reasonable request…and…well I'm sorry I failed you so." He said, his gaze focusing on her hands, such soft beautiful hands, last night they had been on his body. Making him forget himself completely, she had a power over him. In her arms he lost all rational thought and only thought of the sweetness and nearness of her body.

"Charles, you did not fail me. If anything I failed you. In fact, I'd…well I'd like to try again. It didn't hurt so bad, and really I think it was just a bit overwhelming."

"No Elsie, I cant, I wont do that to you again. I…I've never been so scared and so angry with myself before. I don't think I will ever be able to unsee your face in such pain. It breaks my heart to think I've hurt you and it would destroy if I ever caused you another second of pain. I'm sorry. Perhaps we can just enjoy what we have, we can cuddle and kiss and lay around in bed all day in each others arms but none of that…no more of that, please."

"Alright Charles, I understand." With that she got up and collected his now empty plate, taking them over to the sink. He followed behind her and after she had placed the dishes in the sink gently turned her in his arms.

"I love you Elsie."

"I love you too Charles." She said, leaning forward and placing her lips on his.

He should have just cancelled. He should have just walked to the village, had a drink at the Grantham Arms and walked home an hour later. Charles sat in the exam room in only his shorts, Dr. Clarkson was giving him a through going over, perhaps to punish him for the fact it had taken so long for him to come in anyways.

"Take a deep breath." He said putting his stethoscope to Charles chest.

"So Mr. Carson," the doctor said lowering his stethoscope and looking at him in the eyes again. "How did everything go, if you don't mind my asking."

Charles fought the anger bubbling in him, it was none of his damn business. Then realizing he was sitting in front of the man in just his shorts, he figured if he was going to discuss with problem with anybody Clarkson would be the one to do it with.

"Dr. Clarkson, it did not go well. Not at all. She said it was all very painful and asked me to stop."

"To stop?" Clarkson said, his voice slightly worried, "midway though."

"Yes." Charles looked at the ground for a moment, willing the world to explode at that very moment so this terrible conversation would be over for good.

"Are you alright?" Clarkson asked tentatively after a few moments of silence.

"Yes, I'm bloody fine. Its Elsie I'm concerned for."

"Ah well, it is not uncommon for women to experience pain the first time, even the first few times. It will pass eventually though. And besides," dare he say it "You are a substantial man, that could prove to be any issue for a great deal of women."

"What are you implying Dr. Clarkson!?" Charles said, standing up, reaching for his clothes, ready to storm out in anger.

"No need to be offended old chap, but you are taller than most, of a sturdier build then most, my medical assumption would be that your measurements would be substantial in all regards and frankly that can prove difficult for some women, especially those with no previous…experience."

Charles was confused, it seemed as though he was being given a compliment but somehow it didn't feel like an appropriate thing any man should be saying to another.

"Mr. Carson there are…other ways to please a woman besides standard intercourse."

"Please don't use such language Dr. Clarkson!" Charles said, greatly disliking the way this conversation was going.

"Forgive me Mr. Carson, if you could stay here for just a moment there is something I'd like to get you."

Clarkson left the room without waiting for a reply, Charles paced the room nervously, now completely dressed and more than ready to leave. Finally Clarkson reentered holding a book, which he handed rather proudly to Mr. Carson.

"Mr. Carson this is a book that may help you. It chronicles quiet well the various methods adults can engage in for the benefit of both parties. You can ignore it if you'd like but it might help, depending on how dedicated you both are to the um…task at hand." Charles stood there speechless, book in hand. "Have a good day Mr. Carson."

Charles stood alone in the room looking down at the book. He hesitatingly opened it, flipping first to a page with a very graphic drawing he slammed the book closed again and sat down on the seat. After a few minutes, once his breathing was regulated, he opened it again. He flipped to a different page and saw another graphic drawing of a couple, whom Charles could only assume were very young and very, very flexible. That would never do for them. He kept looking flipping through to various pages, some of the activities were far out of their physical reach but some of them looked doable, and in fact possibly enjoyable. Finally he found something that would be perfect for him and Elsie, page 34. Yes page 34 might be enough to fulfill Elsie's desires without the previous pain he had wrought on her. He decided to go home, study page 34 in greater detail and then when the time was right surprise her. Gods, some days I wish I didn't love her so much, he thought gathering his hat, discreetly hiding the book under his arm and leaving.